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There are two men in your life at the moment.

Or, rather, there are two men on the periphery of your life, and you feel like there’s potential for romance with both of them.

You’re feeling more than a bit confused.

You haven’t yet gotten to know either of them that well, but it’s coming to the point where you have to decide who the right man for you is.

And you’re more inclined just to stick your head firmly in the sand.

After all, they’re both amazing in their own ways, and you don’t have the faintest idea which one to pick.

I hate to break it to you, but if monogamy is your style, there’s only a certain amount of time you can keep seeing multiple people for before you’ve got to pick a lane.

It’s decision time.

It’s entirely normal to date multiple people at once when you’re single, but if you happen to have met two men at around the same time, then tricky decisions have to be made and awkward conversations have to be had.

Plus, let’s be honest and realistic with ourselves… time is scarce in our busy, modern lives, and relationships need time dedicated to them if they’re going to grow and flourish.

If you spread yourself too thin, no relationship is going to develop.

So, you’re going to have to choose the guy that you want to dedicate your time to in the hopes that a long-term, healthy relationship could blossom between the two of you.

What’s The Deal?

If you’ve found yourself needing to decide between two men, then you’re probably in one of two situations.

You might have been making the most of modern technology to help you find someone and have met two guys on your platform or platforms of choice, both of whom you’ve gone on a few dates with.

But now it’s got to the point at which you’re going to have to decide who to focus your energies on and become exclusive with.

But you’re struggling, as neither one of them is an obvious front runner.

Or, technology might have nothing to do with it…

Shocking as it might seem in the digital age to those of us who’ve only been able to meet people through apps, apparently some people still do meet in person and get to know each other first before starting to date.

I know, weird right?

But seriously, it might well be that there’s a cute guy at your work you’ve been getting to know, but you’ve also been spending more time with a friend of a good friend…

…and you think there’s potential for things to get romantic with both of them.

But you’re now a bit perplexed about which one is the right guy for you.

Sound familiar?

If so, we’re going to take a look at how you can know when the moment has arrived for you to make that dreaded decision, and then list the questions you should ask yourself when the time comes.

Chances are, you already know what’s right for you deep down inside, you just need to admit it to yourself.

I’m here to help you with that.

When Do You Have To Choose Between Two Guys?

The point where you have to pick might just be the point when you start to feel a little uncomfortable with the situation.

After all, although it’s completely fine to date multiple people at a time as long as all parties involved know the deal, some of us aren’t cut out for dating multiple people.

You’re the only one who can judge the point at which you no longer feel good about the situation.

On the other hand, make sure a sense of guilt doesn’t get in the way of you giving a potential relationship a chance.

Until you’re exclusive with someone, it’s important to keep your options open.

But it might not necessarily be you that dictates when you need to pick a lane. One of the guys you’re seeing could bring up exclusivity and force you to choose.

If a guy wants to be exclusive with you, then, of course, it’s time to decide whether that’s something you want with them, as it will mean calling things off with man number two.

I know, I know. It’s frustrating, but men are very often like buses. You wait years for one to come along, and then two come along at once.

These questions should help you figure out who to get on board with.

(If you think you’ll struggle to make a decision by yourself – even with the help of the following questions – we’d recommend talking your thoughts and feelings through with one of the experienced relationship experts from Relationship Hero. They can help you weigh up the pros and cons of each guy or get you to listen to your gut feeling. And it’s all done from the comfort of your own home via phone or video call. Click here to get started.)

Questions To Ask Yourself To Help You Decide Between Two Guys

1. What do they want out of a relationship?

There’s no point analyzing every aspect of their personality to try to figure out if either of them is Mr. Right if you don’t know what their intentions are.

You may or may not have had ‘the talk’ about what you’re both looking for out of love and life, but if you’ve spent a reasonable amount of time with them, you should have some idea of whether they’re looking for a committed relationship and what their goals are.

If he includes you when discussing future plans or refers to the two of you as ‘we,’ then it’s likely that he’d be open to factoring you into his future.

On the other hand, if he still has Tinder on his phone or makes a point of not introducing you to any of his friends or family members and you only ever seem to meet up for sex rather than just spending time together, then the signs aren’t so good.

2. Is that what you want?

It’s time to be honest with yourself about what you want out of this.

Are you ready for a serious, committed relationship?

If a guy is clearly getting to a stage where he’s thinking about settling down and having babies and you’re a long way from being ready for all that, then that could spell trouble.

If you know you don’t want kids and he’s made it clear that he does, the same applies.

Perhaps you want to see a bit more of the world and maybe live and work somewhere else, but he’s got a job that doesn’t allow for globetrotting.

Whilst we can never know what’s going to happen in the future, if you can see any obvious deal breakers looming with either guy, think hard before pursuing things.

3. How do they feel about you?

It’s good to know that you want the same things out of life, but no matter how aligned your goals are, that doesn’t mean that they’re head over heels for you.

How do they feel about you?

What makes you think that?

Has either guy actually told you how he feels, or is it all guesswork?

If it’s the latter, then it might be time for ‘the talk,’ so you both know where you stand before deciding how to move forward.

4. Do you clash morally?

Is there anything important on which you have very different opinions?

Do you vote for different political parties?

Are there any religious issues?

How important are these things to you?

5. What attracts you to each guy?

List fans, rejoice. It’s time to break out the trusty notepad.

Take some time (I suggest one evening after a long, hot bubble bath with a nice glass of wine) and write down exactly what it is that draws you to each man.

Some are things they might have in common, but chances are there are some pretty big contrasts between them.

Be honest and get it all down on paper so you’ve got a clear idea of what attracts you to these two guys at the same time.

6. And what doesn’t?

Whilst someone might seem perfect on the first date, if you’ve known these guys for a while now, you’ll have definitely noticed some things about them that niggle at you or really bother or worry you.

It’s list time again! Write the negative stuff down too, from the small, like their snoring, to the big, like clashing life goals.

Admit what bothers you and ask yourself if any of those things are full-on deal breakers.

7. How do you feel when you’re with them?

Do either of the guys you’re seeing make you sparkle?

Do you feel like they push you to be a better person?

Do they make you feel sexy?

Can you really be yourself with them?

If either of them put you down or make you feel ‘less-than’ in any way, then you’ve got your answer.

8. Do your friends like them?

If your friends have met and like the guy you’re seeing, then they’ll let you know about it.

If they haven’t really given you an opinion, they’re probably lukewarm.

And if they’ve actually told you they don’t like him, then they really don’t like him.

And, I hate to break it to you, but best friends are usually right.

When it comes to our friends, we’re normally far better judges of romantic situations than we are for ourselves.

Even if your friends haven’t met the guys you’re seeing, they’ll have been the ones you’ve debriefed after dates and vented to if anything is frustrating you, so they might be able to remind you of things you’ve conveniently forgotten.

Don’t take your friends’ word as gospel, but try asking for their opinions and carefully consider what they have to say.

9. How are things between you sexually?

You may well not have got to this stage with either man, but even those stolen kisses are a pretty good indication of whether there’s raging chemistry between the two of you.

Sexual chemistry isn’t everything, but it is important.

If you’ve had sex with one or both of them, how did it make you feel?

Do you daydream about it?

Were you satisfied?

Do you read each other well?

10. And if you took the sex away, who would you pick?

This might not help in your situation, but imagine quickly that sex doesn’t enter into the equation.

Does that help you to decide which man is the one for you?

11. Do they accept your flaws?

Which guy knows your flaws and understands that they are part of what makes you YOU?

And which one rubs up against those flaws and tries to change you into someone who better suits them?

Listen, acceptance of your flaws does not mean that they don’t want you to grow or to grow with you. In fact, it’s often only when you can accept another person’s flaws that that person feels willing and able to change.

If one of the guys is trying to force you into being someone you’re not (at least, not right now), then they are probably not the guy for you.

12. How do they treat you?

Respect, care, a healthy amount of attention and affection… these are the bare minimum you should expect to receive from a man.

Is there any obvious difference in how the two guys you are trying to choose between treat you?

Does one often bail on plans? Do they dominate conversations and not let you get a word in?

Whatever else they might have going for them, if a guy doesn’t treat you right, the other one is probably a better choice.

13. What are your boundaries like?

Boundaries are a healthy part of any relationship, and respecting each other’s boundaries is very important if that relationship is to work.

Whether it’s your time and availability, sexual preferences, financial expectations, or tolerances when it comes to disagreements, do either of the guys disrespect those boundaries?

14. Who makes the most effort?

A person’s actions say a lot more than their words could ever do. One way this manifests in dating is the amount of effort that a guy puts in.

How do the two guys compare in terms of how much they are trying to woo you?

Have they gone the extra mile to do something they knew would mean a lot to you based on what you’ve told them?

Do they still want to go out and do exciting things with you, or are they now “settling” for simple nights in with you. Of course, if you prefer the latter, then that’s perfectly okay and can help you choose between them too.

15. Who actually wants to get to know you?

Whilst it takes time for two people to truly get to know one another, have either of the guys shown a deeper interest in you as a person beyond the surface-level stuff?

It’s a stereotype (though one with some truth) that men are not as comfortable talking about the more emotional side of things, which can be a bit of a stumbling block in really getting to know someone.

It might just be that one guy takes a little longer to warm up than the other, but it might also show that a deep and meaningful connection is off the cards.

16. How is the communication between you?

It’s been said a million times, but good communication really is essential in a healthy relationship.

How do the two guys compare in this regards? Does one only text when he wants to meet up, whilst the other is in regular contact?

Are they able to speak their mind effectively whilst also listening to you and your point of view?

Have you bickered with either guy at all in the time that you’ve been dating?

17. How do your love languages match up?

People like to receive and express love in different ways. There are five love languages, and having good compatibility between you and your future partner can help make the relationship that bit easier and healthier.

Read our article on these five love languages, and then see if you can determine which ones these two guys speak.

There’s even a short quiz that you can both take to see how compatible you are. It’s a fun way to spend some time with them before you choose between them.

18. Which one is willing and able to share the load?

This can be tricky to work out early on in a relationship, but are there any signs that either guy shuns responsibility and tries to live an easy life by relying on others?

Are they a momma’s boy still? Or do they lead independent lives of their own?

Have either of them made you do most of the organizing when it comes to the dates you’ve been on? Is that because they don’t want to do it themselves?

What about signs of emotional immaturity? Do you see any in either guy?

19. Deep down, who’s the one you really want?

You can go round and round in circles over this forever, but if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve already made a decision deep down.

Listen to that inner voice. It’s nearly always right.

Better Alone Than In Bad Company

It’s important to remember through all this that as well as man A and man B, there is another option: Neither.

You don’t have to pick one.

If you can’t decide between two guys, that might be because neither of them is all that special.

In which case, your best option is to go back to living a single life until someone comes along that leaves you in absolutely no doubt that they’re the one for you.

Still not sure which guy to choose? Although it will be your decision at the end of the day, you don’t have to make it alone. In fact, talking things through with a neutral third party will help you to be entirely honest about your thoughts and feelings. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.

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The following is excerpted from the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” ~ Bill Maher

All the relationship advice in the world won’t make any difference if you’re choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what they’re doing wrong, why they can’t seem to make it fit, why they can’t get the love they want. You can’t turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You can’t force someone to change and to want what you want. You can’t convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

I spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldn’t or couldn’t give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn’t get me lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but it’s a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right, because we’re swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that he’s the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe you’ve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If you’re hung up on a man who can’t commit or won’t commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect “if only” he changed such and such, then you’re setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

Where Healthy Relationships Begin

Before we talk about what to look for in a guy, it’s important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.

Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you (it was certainly a recurring theme for me in my single life!) You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.

After this encounter you can’t—for the life of you—get this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with him—what he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations … and it feels really nice.

Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?

Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull

Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive chemistry isn’t what creates a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term.

When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isn’t exactly what you would term romantic. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably drawn to someone who isn’t good for us.

Imago Theory

This theory, developed by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., posits that the pull we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.

How it pans out is something like this: if your parents always made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who make you feel like you’re not good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful feelings from your past.

If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very critical, trying to win his love and approval in order to heal from the hurt of your father’s rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we meet someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel (again, this happens unconsciously).

On a conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.

You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For example, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.

Maybe this sounds a little too New Agey to you, or maybe it doesn’t describe your situation at all, but it’s a powerful concept and it has gained a

lot of praise and recognition in the field of psychology so it’s worth considering. I know I’ve seen some of this at play in my own dating life.

Infatuation

Being infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isn’t based on anything real. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourself—I mean, how could your true self ever compete with perfection?
You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.

Healthy Relationships Build Slowly

Healthy relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.

The most important trait to develop is objectivity. No one really talks about that because it’s not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent yourself from getting hurt, you’ll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you it’s a great idea to go for the bad boy who’s just so dreamy, even when he’s out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he won’t be in a committed relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesn’t operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you weren’t thinking, that’s not what the heart does. OK, I know I’m being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

The best way to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.

It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the best way to do this is to go slowly. I don’t necessarily mean physically, I mean emotionally.

When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some cliché like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

I am not saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guy—the infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life. (I’ve seen it happen countless times!)

Either way you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the object of your infatuation.

If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. When you do this, you never get a break from the emotional high and you don’t get a chance to come back down and recalibrate.

So many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him.

You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. Everyone has flaws.

Why It Matters

When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.

I’ve seen (and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginning—they’re different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of
their hearts from the beginning.

Qualities That Make Him a Keeper

A lot of women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail … why guys treat them badly…why they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husband—or even relationship—material and hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.

Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though his acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.

The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that aren’t good for you and don’t fulfill your fundamental emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship.

When I hit that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the sake of dating and wanted to settle down and find “the one,” I realized that the kinds of guys I liked to date weren’t necessarily husband material, and I had to really examine my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most essential qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.

• • He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will
    make him feel even closer to you.
  • He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.
  • He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we don’t have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.

• He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and white—usually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say it’s your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.
  • For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.
  • You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try.
• He has similar beliefs and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that you’re both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.
  • Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.
• He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.
  • He respects everything about you—your thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.
• He wants to make you happy. One of a man’s most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but it’s true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isn’t real love. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.
• He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.
• He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say he’ll get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.
  • If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t … then at least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman makes getting married a goal and I respect that. But I’m speaking to those who want a lasting commitment, be it marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper.

But the Most Important Quality of All Is …

He wants to make it work. He’s willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people have different ideas about what it means to put effort into a relationship. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I remember the exact moment I knew my husband was the one. After about a month of everything being perfect (as they usually are in the beginning), we had our first conflict. It was nothing major; we just started experiencing areas where our personalities clashed and seeing how we process things differently. I tend to be more intellectual and straightforward in my thinking, while he’s more emotional and dynamic in his thinking. I would get impatient with this, and my impatience was hurtful to him. The details don’t really matter, what matters is that I remember the way he brought the issue up and how sincere he was about working through things and getting to a place of better understanding.

I have seen countless variations of this kind of scenario: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Maybe she acts needy or maybe he gets distant, but whatever happens suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. Then he decides he can’t hang anymore and tells her he “doesn’t have time for a relationship” or he can’t give her what she needs. The girl racks her brain trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done differently.

She thinks if she hadn’t been so needy, if she had been a little more chilled out, if she hadn’t done this and instead done that. Really, the only way things would have turned out differently is if she had behaved perfectly according to his script, if she’d never disagreed or been unhappy with him, if she’d been perfectly in alignment with his thoughts and what he wanted in a partner. That sounds reasonable, right? (That’s sarcasm in case it didn’t come across!)

If a guy leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most important quality you need in a partner, and that is a man who is committed not only to you, but to making it work. It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is all sunshine and roses. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. He wants to overcome the differences, to get to a place of better understanding. My husband and I are so different. The way we think and feel is different, and the way we communicate is different. In the beginning of our relationship this definitely caused problems, but now, after really committing to working on it, we have hit this amazing place of understanding and are so much more in sync. The differences still exist, but we were able to meet in the middle. Even when things got difficult, I wasn’t any less sure he was the guy for me because of how deeply committed he was to making it work.

A big mistake I see women making is blaming themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable, I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah, you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences, there will always be problems, you will not always behave exactly how he wants a partner to behave (same for him).

A relationship isn’t about finding the perfect match, it’s about finding someone you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with. Notice the word form. It’s an active process; it doesn’t just exist. It’s about working together, being a team, and overcoming the challenges.

Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion or where to live or lifestyle preferences. But all the other stuff—personality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Every relationship is different and comes with a unique set of circumstances. However, there are some universal standards that indicate a guy isn’t the right one for you, a few red flags that should never be ignored but usually are.

You Don’t Trust Him

Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.

If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout; that’s just exhausting.

Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated, maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.

If he cheated on you or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself when you decide if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a life in which you always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.

If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut. Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of a cheating/lying ex.

There Is No Depth of Connection

Sexual chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle, yet for a lot of couples it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so, so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly showed he wasn’t the one … and wasn’t even that great of a person.

For a relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know your partner intimately, and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need to know who he is, what he wants out of life, and what his hopes, dreams, and fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.

Each person is composed of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the core. Your life partner should be in the last group.

Knowing the basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things about your guy as most of the other people in his life, then you don’t have much depth of connection.
Fortunately, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like you’re connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.

Attraction and sexual chemistry are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all you have that’s fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about finding the one.

Lack of Respect

Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.

Respect is huge for guys. In fact, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their relationship. Just as most women need to feel loved and adored, men need to feel respected and admired. A man needs to feel like the man; he needs to feel respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will resent you and will not want to be with you long term.

At the same time, you need to be with a partner who respects you. This means he respects you as a person: your beliefs, your aspiration, and especially your boundaries.

Eye rolling has actually been shown by famous relationship researcher John Gottman to be a big predictor of divorce, and it’s no surprise … eye rolling is a manifestation of contempt, which is the opposite of respect.

He Brings out Your Worst

As I mentioned earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best.

The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to a person who brings out their worst.

Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.

Throughout the course of my yearlong relationship with Eric, I was unrecognizable from my previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked, anxious, and perpetually on edge, but I couldn’t let go because of my strong feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip, and it was only when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic the situation truly was.

It wasn’t that he was a bad guy; he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner. While getting myself out of that relationship felt impossible, the end was always inevitable because we brought out the worst in each other.

The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, not drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work. But this work leads to a positive place, a place of growth and understanding and more love and connection. Bad relationships are ones where the work involved is expending energy on fighting and arguing and trying to win. A relationship won’t always feel perfect and pleasant, but overall it will help you grow into a better person, as long as you’re with a good guy who is committed to making it work and loves and appreciates you for who you are.

He Doesn’t Take Responsibility

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone won’t take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when he’s wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; it’s a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other person’s perspective. However, it doesn’t always start out this way. In the beginning he’s enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that you’re the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you aren’t supportive enough, you’re always negative. It’s always you, never him.

I’m not saying every guy who can’t take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features.

He’s Selfish

I have a friend who was seeing a guy she really liked, and she continued to date him even though he was clearly a bit immature and selfish and not ready to settle down (we joked that he had her sexmotized and that’s why she wasn’t able to break free of his spell). There were signs of trouble all over the place, but most were little things and that’s why they were easy to sweep under the rug.

For example, one night she suggested they go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant she loved, and he got all pissy and said there wasn’t a point in going out for Indian food if he couldn’t eat meat. Never mind the fact that he always chose the restaurants, that they always did what he wanted, that they always slept at his apartment because that’s what he wanted, or the fact that he had told her to pick a place for dinner. It was the one time she got to decide something, and she was overruled because it wasn’t what he wanted.

This may seem like a silly example, but it demonstrates the essence of selfishness, one that will continue to pop up when dealing with a selfish person. And in that relationship, it did, over and over until finally she couldn’t take it anymore and ended it. (This launched the make-up and break-up cycle for a while, because that’s what happens when you linger in a relationship with the wrong guy, but eventually they cut it off for good.)

Selfish people also tend to engage in selfish love. That is, they love you when you make them feel good; when you’re behaving how they want you to, they’re the best partners ever. When you go off script, then they withdraw and won’t do anything for you in a sort of tit-for-tat retaliation.

That’s not how a relationship works. A relationship isn’t there to serve one person. It’s a partnership and it’s about working together, not one person working for the other.

Let Your Gut Be Your Guide

I mentioned the importance of listening to your gut earlier and want to get into it a little deeper because it’s an essential skill, one that can keep you out of sticky situations.
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At the end of the day, you usually already know the answers to your dating questions. The lists I provided of qualities to look for and red flags to watch out for can help you see things more clearly, maybe making it harder to hide from what’s right in front of you, but oftentimes you already know. You know when a guy isn’t worthy of you—when you’re wasting your time, when you’re not being treated the way you would like to be treated or the way you know you deserve to be treated—but you push this knowledge down because you just don’t want to deal with it. You don’t want to deal with a breakup, with putting yourself back on the market, with dating more guys, navigating the waters, trying to find a guy who cares about you. You don’t want to because it’s exhausting! It seems somehow easier to stick with what’s broken and try to just make it work.

In a good, strong, healthy relationship, you feel loved and secure. You don’t question whether your man is using you and if the things he says are genuine. You just feel at ease. Feeling constantly on edge, waiting anxiously for the other shoe to drop, is usually a sign that something is amiss and your instincts are trying to open your eyes to a reality you don’t want to see.

Your gut is a powerful tool in relationships. It’s something we all possess and it can be fine-tuned to work optimally. The way to get in touch with it is to listen to what it’s telling you. Listen to that small, quiet voice that gently tells you: “You deserve more than this, you don’t need this guy.”

The voice of your ego is loud and overpowering. It tells you “Of course he’s the guy for you! So what if he disappears for days at a time, he told you that you were the most amazing women he’s ever met, so I mean, DUH! He loves you.”

Your ego shouts over the noise and convinces you that the outcome you want is reality because it has a lot at stake should this not be the case.

Most people allow their egos to get so entangled in their relationships that when the relationship collapses, their ego comes crashing down with it and then absolute misery ensues.

Our unconscious mind has a whole arsenal of information that our conscious mind doesn’t have easy access to. It has stored up pretty much everything that’s ever happened to us and makes decisions accordingly.

Have you ever met someone and liked him right away even though you barely knew him? Or maybe you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, but you just can’t stand her? This is the unconscious at work. The people we’re drawn to oftentimes remind us of people we’ve had positive encounters with in the past. So too with the people we don’t like right off the bat.

You can pick up on things subconsciously without even realizing it, and it will cause you to have a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint or explain.

The point is, most of the time you already know the answer. The problem is that you wish it were a different answer so instead of accepting it you whittle away what you know with rationalizations.

Here are a few tips to help you get better acquainted with your gut:

• Ask yourself a question and listen for the immediate answer. For example, if you’re debating whether or not to dump your boyfriend, ask yourself: “Should I break up with him?” and listen to what first pops into your head. The real answer will most often come first, and then the excuses and justifications will pile on top.
• Make the decision and then listen to your body. If it’s a bad decision you’ll feel an aversion to it, usually in the pit of your stomach.
• Check with a friend. It can help to get an outsider’s perspective because sometimes we can mistake wishful thinking for our gut instincts. Talk to a friend you trust for a dose of objectivity.
• Practice mindfulness. Most people live their lives bouncing from one thing to the next—work, errands, happy hour. There isn’t that much time to listen to our own thoughts. Try to stay mindful and conscious throughout the day and check in with yourself to see what you’re thinking and feeling. It also helps to set aside some reflection time. You can use this time to meditate, do yoga, journal, take a walk around the park—anything that will give you the space to check in
  with yourself.

Remember this: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life. Choose wisely! 

Love doesn’t have to be that hard. Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts by Sabrina Alexis is available here.

My therapist approaches my tales of dating apps and booty calls and ghostings with an adorable anthropological fascination. Recently he asked me whether a man I was dating paid for my meals and drinks. “Of course,” I replied. “Hmm,” my therapist said. His “hmm” is the verbal equivalent of looking skeptically at someone over your spectacles, and I knew where he was going: Doesn’t a man paying for a date add a transactional tension to what follows the date? And if gender equality is the goal—isn’t that always the goal now?—shouldn’t men and women split the check evenly?

Well, no. For most of my dating career, I’d feint for my wallet when the check arrived, and if my date didn’t immediately say, “I’ve got this,” I’d exaggeratedly grope around the depths of my purse to give him more time to do the right thing. Sometimes I even halfheartedly offered to split the bill, but I never insisted, and men rarely accepted. If they did let me split the bill, it wasn’t a deal breaker, but it was a ding: “It was a great date,” I’d tell my friends. “But he didn’t pay.”

A month later, I was at a fancy restaurant with a date, and I was spiraling. I’d never really questioned whether men should pay on first dates. We had been nursing Negronis at the bar for hours. On either side of us, two rounds of first dates had arrived, run out of things to talk about, and left, but we were still going strong. He asked the bartender for the bill, put his credit card on the bar, and scampered off to the men’s room. While I was alone, the bill came, and I stared at it like it was the Black Spot. I was paralyzed by etiquette: It seemed presumptuous to hand my date’s card to the bartender, but it seemed even more presumptuous to wait for my date to return so that I could make a show of reaching for my wallet.

I realize that by offering to split the bill when I in fact have no intention of doing so, I’m putting my dates in a difficult position. Chivalry tells us that men must pay on dates, but here I am, pressing to pay my part. It’s like that movie trope

in which one character tells another: “Whatever happens—no matter how much I plead, no matter how much I scream—do not untie me.” Invariably the other character caves to his buddy’s pleas, unties him, and everyone dies. When you’ve been told never to let a woman pay for dinner, how do you know when to take her up on her offer?

As I stared at the bill, my therapist’s “hmm” echoed in my head. So did the phrase “benevolent sexism,” which I’d learned recently and had been overusing ever since. “Benevolent sexism” was coined by professors Susan T. Fiske and Peter Glick in a 1996 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Its counterpart, “hostile sexism,” is rooted in a belief that women are intent on seizing male power, possibly through blowjobs and feminist guilt trips. Though the same man can demonstrate both hostile sexism and benevolent sexism, depending on the situation, research has shown that generally men have a favorable opinion of women. So, Fiske and Glick write, “how can a group be almost universally disadvantaged, and yet loved?” The answer lies in the phenomenon of benevolent sexism, or a man’s belief that women require men’s protection and support.

More free dinners for me! But, Fiske and Glick write, benevolent sexism has a downside: “If men’s power is popularly viewed as a burden gallantly assumed, as legitimated by their greater responsibility and self-sacrifice, then their privileged role seems justified.” In other words, when we all accept that it’s a man’s job to shepherd a woman through life, then why not make him her boss, too? Why not pay him more? Fiske and Glick go on. “Women who seek power may consequently be perceived as ungrateful shrews or harpies, deserving of harsh treatment.” Women can be complicit in benevolent sexism: When I let a man pay for my dinner, Fiske and Glick suggest, I’m bolstering the image of myself as a dependent.

So yes, in theory, a man paying for my dinner is sexist, and I’m reinforcing the patriarchy a teensy bit by accepting that free dinner. But in practice, I don’t think anyone is considering the gesture in those terms. I think we’re all too stressed about not doing weird nasal laughs or gleeking gin and tonic on our dates.

When I asked a few women whether they allow men to pay on dates, they all said yes—and then they all qualified that yes. One said she thinks of a man’s paying for dinner as a sort of “man tax”: If men are going to get paid more than we are, and have privileges that we don’t have, and not have to give birth and stuff, then they should pay for dinner. Another woman said that she’ll let a man pay for a few dates, but then she’ll cook him a really nice dinner—balancing out one old-timey, gendered gesture with another. Another said she’ll let a man pay for dinner on a date only if she really likes him. If she’s not planning to see a guy again, she throws her card down.

A man’s paying for dinner is a gesture that’s withstood the test of time simply because it helps us breeze through an awkward moment after dinner. The reason scripts like “he pays” have persisted is that they make things so easy, and that’s what makes them so insidious. Sticking with them is easier than negotiating a new social contract.

Before that can happen, we need to lay the groundwork. First, we find that we have to work a little harder to justify upholding the old rule (my friend’s “man tax”). Then we begin to outline situations in which it doesn’t apply, like the woman who insists on splitting the bill when she doesn’t want to see a man again. Then we start calling each other out for following the rule, like my therapist called me out. Finally, we all break the rule.

We’re not quite there yet. At that fancy restaurant, while my date was in the bathroom, I snuck a peek at the total on the bill and Venmo’d him for half before he returned to our table. He never mentioned it, and I still feel like I committed a faux pas. Maybe he’s a benevolent sexist. Maybe I’m a benevolent sexist. Maybe we were both just terrified of sending the wrong signal.

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I don't have to tell you that dating today is the most complicated it's ever been. Anyone who owns a phone knows that truly connecting with someone—and seeing them consistently enough to build an actual, exclusive relationship (gasp)—is tougher than an overcooked steak. But that's where dating rules come in: When you have guardrails in place to help you stay in your lane and protect you from less straightforward souls, the road to finding The One becomes much easier to navigate.

Of course, everyone should have their own set of dating rules, cherry-picked to their own wants and needs. Ideally, these rules will push you toward healthy relationships and pull you away from what could become one-sided or toxic ones (or not relationships at all, a.k.a. situationships), in order to save you time, energy, and lots of conflicting emotions. Keep in mind that sometimes the rules that are most crucial for you to follow through on might be the ones that are the least fun to keep, so try not to blow off your own dating rules just because you find them challenging. You put them in place for a reason—trust yourself, girl!

Now, if you're struggling to figure out your own dating rules, I might be able to help you out. I coach a lot of women (and men!) on how to cultivate a healthy dating life, because unfortunately, you can't depend on Cupid to make all the magic happen (if only it were that simple...). These are my top 11 dating rules to consider in this wild world of modern romance. Choose the rules that work for you, ditch the ones that don't, and of course, experiment as needed to find your own. There's no right or wrong here.

1. Date multiple people at once.

Yes, you heard me! Before you enter an agreed-upon monogamous relationship, do yourself a favor and play the field. Because here's what's most likely to happen if you don't: You meet someone you really like, you go out with them again, things escalate, and then—bam—they either pull away, ghost, or tell you they're not looking for something serious. Now you're crushed because you're emotionally invested in them—but they haven't invested at all in you. When you're even the slightest attached to a person, the disappointment stings. Spare yourself the hurt by putting a metaphorical egg in several baskets.

2. Keep dates short.

I like to tell my clients not to let dates go on for more than 90 minutes. Why? That's enough time to get to know the person on a surface level and (hopefully) feel a spark, but not long enough that your brain starts getting carried away with the excitement of the potential. Dinner dates that spontaneously turn into a five-hour bar crawl or movie night can be incredibly fun, but they can also leave you in a state of confusion and despair if nothing develops from the marathon outing afterward.

Not to mention, when you keep dates brief, you're less likely to burn out and swear off dating if they're not all that great. Make your love life easy on yourself!

3. Be upfront about wanting a relationship.

If, that is, indeed what you want. There's nothing to be gained by hiding the fact that you're ultimately looking for your forever person, but there's a lot you can lose by it. For one, your emotional sanity when the person you've been dating digs their heels in keeping things casual, and two, a lot (sometimes a LOT) of time.

If you're worried that telling a potential partner you want a relationship (in general, not necessarily with them) because you think it'll scare them off or make you seem desperate, let go of that idea. Anyone who bails when you're honest about your intentions isn't someone who would stick around in the long run, anyway, so you're doing yourself a solid.

4. Avoid talking about exes on early dates.

An oldie but a goodie dating rule, for a reason: Talking about past relationships and breakups gets heavy fast, and the first few dates should be light and easy. Sure, finding out how someone's last few major relationships ended—and opening up about how yours did, too—is a great way to learn about the person and connect on a deeper level. But there's plenty of time for that later, so hold off for the first handful of dates.

If they bring up the ex convo, divert it with something like: "I’d be happy to tell you about that stuff when we get to know each other a little better, but for now I'm really enjoying hearing about XYZ."

5. Pay more attention to follow-through than advanced planning.

I totally understand why some women might not want to accept a last-minute date (or have a Three-Day Rule, or some such), but I wouldn't write off someone based on how far (or not far) in advance they initiate a date. Some people are just not great planners! And everyone knows how hectic life can be.

I would, however, notice if they mention plans and then don't follow up on them when the day comes—you want a mature adult who's willing and able—not to mention, interested enough—to make things happen.

Of course, if you feel like they habitually hit you up out of convenience or they rarely make an attempt to show you that they're thinking about you, then you should feel free to let them know...or lose their number entirely.

Confused by modern dating? You're not alone. WH has answers...well, some at least:

6. Don't feel obligated to send a thank-you text.

Oh man, the thank-you text. Is there any text more debated and controversial than the one that directly follows the first date? I know some people think the woman absolutely should send one shortly after the end of the first date to let the other person know that she's interested, and then others think it should always fall on the guy (assuming you're pursuing a male prospect).

I'm sort of old-school when it comes to pursuit dynamics, which evolutionarily speaking, tend to be led by the male. As long as you thanked your date warmly and sincerely in person before parting ways (which, btw, you absolutely should do whether you're into seeing them again or not), I believe there's no reason to send a follow-up text. Doing so can put them in a position where they feel obligated to respond in a certain way and removes any healthy tension on their part of wondering, Oh, she said she had a good time; I think she likes me, but I'll have to feel her out in a few days. That's a great place to leave them.

That said, if you worry that you were a little standoffish or far from flirty on the date (I get it...nerves!), you can reassure them that you enjoyed yourself via text. Don't overthink this. It's not a job interview—if you know you showed your enthusiasm in person, the ball is in their court. Let them throw it.

7. Give them two weeks to reach out again.

I know, I know—twoweeks?! But hear me out.

Even after a great date, someone might need to figure out how compatible they think you two might be and what plans they can make. I urge you not to read a whole lot into how quickly they text you—as long as it’s within two weeks. That's plenty of time for a person to have decided whether and when they want to see you again. (After that point, it's safe to assume that they're unable or unwilling to prioritize even the idea of you. Next!)

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Pay attention to how they follow up when they do—that’s an important of what you’re looking at. Waiting a week to send a one-word text ("Heyyyyy") is very different from reaching out after 10 days with, "Hey, things have been hectic at work, but I’d love to see you again—are you free next week?" How they pursue you is more important than how quickly they pursue you, so keep that in mind when your post-date anxiety kicks in.

8. Wait at least a few dates to have sex.

I'm not anti- first-date sex, but I'm also not necessarily for it. As a therapist, I know that it's it's very, very important to truly know not only someone's intentions but also whether their actions align with them, and that's hard to figure out upon first meeting them.

One-thousand percent, to each their own, especially on this topic—but in my professional opinion, a dating rule that can really come in handy for sparing your precious heart is avoiding sexual intimacy until you know you're both looking for the same thing. If that's just a sexual connection, great! But if it's something more, like an actual relationship, you want to make sure that that's their goal, too. Because having sex only makes you feel even more attached to a person...and can sometimes make you feel down on yourself if they don't end up committing to you. No one needs to feel that.

9. Don't freak out about who pays.

It's almost 2020, and it's time to stop forcing gender norms on dates. Assuming you're a female seeking a male partner, there's absolutely no reason the man has to pay for the date, just as much as there's absolutely no reason the woman shouldn't. This is an opportunity to do what makes you comfortable and stays within your values.

If you want to offer to cover or split the bill, I think anyone these days appreciates that, whether they accept your offer or not. If they do let you, it's not a sign that they're not interested—just as much as their insistence on paying doesn't necessarily mean they are. Try not to take too much meaning in that, unless they tell you otherwise.

10. Feel free to do some of the planning yourself.

I know it feels nice when someone else takes the reins on choosing a time and place for your date, but again, some people just aren't great planners, so if you have a certain idea in mind, throw it out there. They'll probably appreciate your effort— it takes pressure off of them, which can actually make them go into the thing a bit less tense or nervous (so a win for you in the end, really). If you all-caps hate planning anything, though (like, even choosing a brunch spot with your friends), let them know you're down for X or Y...but you actually have to be down for that (because they will choose from it).

Oh, and P.S. If you want to make the first move and ask someone out, go for it! The worst that happens is they turn you down. Their loss!

11. Eat whatever the heck you want.

I have to end on this one because it trips me up that what you order is even a topic of discussion when it comes to dating. You may have heard the "Always order a salad," "Never finish your plate," or "Never bring home food" rules, because you are A Lady. To which I say, pssha!

How silly it is that these dating rules exist in the first place. Eat what you want to eat, for the love of pasta! If you're hungry, by all means, go to town and fork down as much as you need to feel satisfied. And if you're a leftovers kind of gal, you want a partner who respects your not wasting food...and even thinks it's kinda sexy how much you love a nice meal.

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't appreciate your appetite, whether it's for a (not tough) steak or a boring salad. Trust me on that.

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Online dating is now officially the #1 way new couples meet. So guys are always asking me, “What are the best dating apps for men?” They’re hoping for one answer. One site or app that tops all the other options when it comes to meeting women.

In reality, several factors play into which site or app works best for any particular person. Age is a big one, as can be the type of relationship desired. With that said, I’ve found there are a small handful of sites and apps that consistently work well for guys in four categories.

Exclusive Bonus: Want to steal one of our top-performing bios? Download our top 10 proven profiles right now so you can get more matches and date higher quality women. (It’s free!)

I identified those categories after analyzing over 1,987,000 interactions we’ve had on behalf of our clients across 100+ dating platforms. Crunching the numbers highlighted a few clear winners for each group.

Click on the category you fall into. Then check out which of these sites and apps consistently work well for guys just like you!

I'm:

The Best Dating Apps For Men Ages 18 To 25

1. Tinder

Tinder is the most popular dating app in the US. You probably have a buddy who met his girlfriend on it. If she’s 18 to 25 and single, she’s more than likely on Tinder – just over half of Tinder users are under 29. You’ll find everything from model-quality girls to cute “girl-next-door” types.

The majority of Tinder’s users are in urban locations. But because of the app’s popularity, it’s worth a shot even if you’re in a smaller, rural area. Using the app is free, with the option to upgrade to Tinder Plus, Tinder Gold, or Tinder Platinum.

If you want to meet the most beautiful local girls, you’ll definitely need to bring your A-game when you start sending messages. Check out these Tinder icebreakers that actually work!

2. Bumble

Often called the “female-friendly Tinder”, Bumble is unique in that only women can send the first message. So if you’re easy on the eyes (or know the secret to taking attractive online dating photos) then Bumble is worth a try.

Over 60% of Bumble users are under 30. But unlike Tinder it has a more “serious” vibe – to the extent it earned the nickname “the female-friendly Tinder.”

So if you're just in the market for hookups, stick with Tinder.

The women on Bumble tend to be cut from a different cloth…They’re a smart, beautiful, and successful bunch. According to Bumble, 60% of matches result in conversations, and the male/female ratio is about equal.

Like Tinder, it is totally free. You also have two options for upgrading. “Bumble Boost” starts at $14.99 for one month, and unlocks perks like undoing a swipe and promoting your profile every week.

Bumble Premium costs $32.99 for one month, and comes with features like seeing all the women who already “liked” your profile and changing your location. To compare the two upgrade options, check out this review!

But whether you use Bumble for free or decide to subscribe, keep in mind she has to make the first move. Your profile and photos need to grab her attention. Check out these Bumble profile tips that get you dates.

3. Hinge

Hinge has nicknamed itself “the relationship app” – so the women you'll find on it are generally looking for something serious. With almost 49% of Hinge users in their 20s, it's a great dating app for men in this demographic looking for a steady girlfriend.

Hinge has a few key features that make it really easy to start a conversation. You can include a message when you “like” her profile, so you don't have to match first. And the profile itself makes it easy to figure out what to say. You can “like” a photo or a prompt answer, and include a comment. (Want to see some examples of great first messages? Check out these Hinge conversation tips!)

Like Tinder & Bumble, Hinge also has a premium subscription – it's called Hinge Preferred. You'll likely want to invest in it if you live in a mega city. Free users can only “like” up to 10 profiles every 24 hours, and upgrading removes that restriction.

4. Happn

If you live in a mega city like NY or LA, give Happn a go. Based entirely on proximity to fellow users, this app will show you the profiles of women you’ve crossed paths with in real life.

It will alert you if a Happn user wanders within a dating radius that you set, which can encompass up to 55 miles from wherever you currently are. If you both swipe right, you have the ability to start messaging. This means you could potentially go from message to meet up in just a few minutes if you’re both waiting for your lattes at the same time.

Happn attracts both casual daters and women interested in a more long-term relationship, so whatever you're looking for you can find it on this popular dating app.

Want a profile that catches her eye? Don't miss these Happn profile tips!

The Best Dating Sites & Apps For Men 26-39 Looking For Short-Term Fun

1. Tinder

Tinder is the go-to dating app for women of all ages. The whole nature of Tinder is very casual, so you don’t have to worry about your matches being saturated with women looking for Prince Charming.

Men outnumber women on Tinder, so you’ll need to put extra effort into choosing strong photos if you want to catch the attention of the most attractive local women. Choose at least three pictures – this will get you 4x as many matches as just having one. These essential tips on choosing online dating photos will help get you more dates!

2. OkCupid

OkCupid is one of the more popular dating sites out there and is definitely worth your time if you live in a decent-sized city. Most of the users are in their mid-20s to 30s… a.k.a. perfect for you.

It’s free, with the option to upgrade to OkCupid Basic or Premium, starting at or $19.99 a month. You’ll find a wide spectrum of women on the site, everything from hipsters and goths to ambitious professionals.

Because OkCupid is such a popular site, you’ll want a profile that stands out from the crowd. These OkCupid profile tips will fill your inbox with interested women.

3. Plenty Of Fish

Plenty of Fish (POF) has a massive pool of users, and for that reason alone, it’s worth a shot. As far as free dating sites go, it’s one of the best options out there. Features like sending and receiving messages or seeing who checked out your profile don’t require a paid subscription, which is another plus.

On the downside, the sheer number of users creates the need to do some heavy duty profile screening. But in the grand scheme of things, having too many women to choose from is a good problem to have, right?

These awesome POF profile and message tips will boost your results!

The Best Sites & Apps For Men 26-39 Looking For Girlfriend Material

1. Match

Match is the most popular paid dating site in the world, and it’s also first one that comes to mind for many when they think about online dating.

If you are looking for a one-stop-shop to meet beautiful, smart, single women (and actually date those women), then Match is the site for you. Not only is it jam-packed with attractive women… thanks to the monthly fee, the women also tend to be serious about meeting people in person and finding someone special.

If you want to meet the most high-quality women on Match, you’ll need an irresistible profile and magnetic photos. Our Ultimate Guide To Online Dating For Guys has everything you need to know to make that happen.

2. Bumble

Bumble is the swipe-based app where only women get to make the first move. That means you’ll want an intriguing profile and strong photos that will compel her to message you.

According to Bumble, 60% of matches result in conversations, and the women the app attracts tend to be intelligent, successful, and attractive. The male to female ratio is about equal, too.

The app is free to use, with the option to upgrade to Bumble Boost ($14.99/mo) or Bumble Premium ($32.99/mo) for perks like skipping straight to profiles of women who have already liked you, so swiping right means a match is guaranteed. These Bumble profile tips will help you turn those matches into dates.

3. Hinge

Thanks to taglines like “designed to be deleted,” Hinge is rapidly becoming one of the best dating apps for singles seeking a serious relationship. Just under half of Hinge users are in their 30s & 40s, and it tends to attract women with true “significant other” potential.

It's free to use, although if you're not a Hinge Preferred subscriber you're limited to just a handful of “likes” each day. Another Hinge perk is how easy starting a conversation is – profiles are broken down into prompt answers interspersed with photos. All you need to do is “like” a particular part of her profile, and you can include a message with – no need to match first.

Because users are required to have a complete profile in order to send messages – including a full 6-photo lineup – you won't find as many fake profiles on this dating app compared to apps like Tinder.

4. The League

If you're in your late 20s+, successful in your field and looking to meet truly incredible women, The League is practically a must. It's only in 60 select major cities around the country – and there's a strict screening process to gain admission. But throwing your hat in the ring is worth it precisely because the bar is so high.

You can use the app for free, but you'll only up to 3 matches per day. A premium subscription starts around $30 per month, with several levels available depending on how many daily matches and other perks you want to access,

Putting time and effort into your profile is essential for this elite dating app, so check out these tips for getting off The League's waiting list sooner rather than later.

5. OkCupid

This free, highly popular dating site attracts millions of users – and it’s got an endless array of just about any kind of woman you could think of. If you live in or near a bigger city, it’s definitely worth a try.

OkCupid has the option to upgrade to “A-List”, which will unlock advanced search options like body type, attractiveness, and personality. This means you’ll be able to filter out all of the unattractive women with a couple extra clicks. You’ll also be able to see who likes you. Upgrading costs as little as $7.95 a month, depending on the length of subscription.

If you’re investing in an OkCupid subscription, you want to get the most out of your profile. These OkCupid profile tips will get you noticed by the type of women you're interested in meeting!

The Best Dating Sites & Apps For Men 40+

1. Match

Match is the most popular paid dating site in existence, and you’ll find plenty of attractive, successful women in their 30s+. The monthly subscription fee helps weed out women who aren’t serious about meeting up, so you won’t find as many fakes and flakes as you would on a free site like OkCupid or POF.

To attract the most beautiful women, you’ll need a profile that sets you apart from the competition. Here’s how to write a profile that gets results on Match.com.

2. MillionaireMatch

If you are a mature, successful gentleman who would like to meet a younger lady, then MillionaireMatch was made for you. It’s not a straight-up sugar daddy site like SugarDaddie.com or SeekingArrangement, but a dating site specifically for accomplished professionals and beautiful women.

MillionaireMatch tends to attract established women as well as the young, hot girls who are guaranteed to make your buddies jealous. Out of all the online dating sites we use on behalf of our clients, we’ve found MillionaireMatch has the most beautiful and highly responsive women.

Being a millionaire isn’t a requirement, although going through the “millionaire certification” process can send your response rate through the roof. And sending and receiving messages requires upgrading to Gold membership ($35-70/month, depending on the length of your subscription), but the women you’ll find are worth it. Click here for tips on writing a profile that will snag her attention.

3. The League

This exclusive dating app is one of the best places for accomplished men in their 40s+ to meet high-quality women – but it's not for just anyone. In fact, there's an acceptance committee who will evaluate your credentials to determine if you're worthy. The League waiting list is one of the hurdles you'll have to navigate if you want access to their upscale dating pool.

Check out this informative The League dating app review to see if it's in your city – and get a few tips on how to craft your profile so that you're among the 20-30% of singles who make the grade.

If you're in your late 20s+, successful in your field and looking to meet truly incredible women, The League is practically a must. It's only in 60 select major cities around the country – and there's a strict screening process to gain admission. But throwing your hat in the ring is worth it precisely because the bar is so high.

You can use the app for free, but you'll only up to 3 matches per day. A premium subscription starts around $30 per month, with several levels available depending on how many daily matches and other perks you want to access,

Putting time and effort into your profile is essential for this elite dating app, so check out these tips for getting off The League's waiting list sooner rather than later.

4. Hinge

Half of Hinge's users are over 30, so if want to date a woman in her 30s or 40s it's a great option.

With marketing like “designed to be deleted” and “The Relationship App”, it's no surprise singles on Hinge are primarily looking for something on the longer end of the relationship spectrum. Features like “Most Compatible” and “Standouts” provided curated matches, and the app's interactive “comment on a prompt or photo” format makes it quite easy to start a conversation on Hinge.

Hinge is free, although there is also a premium version with plenty of handy perks. Starting at $19.99 for one month, you can like as many profiles as you want each day, unlock all the available match criteria filters, and see at a glance every user who already “liked” your profile.

To learn more about how exactly Hinge works, check out this dating app review.

5. POF.com

Plenty of Fish (POF) is hands down one of the most popular free dating sites out there, and a whopping 80% of the singles who use it are over 30. Most of the site’s features are free, which means you don’t have to upgrade to send/receive messages or see who checked out your profile.

The user pool is huge, so you’ll definitely want to take advantage of the site’s advanced search filters. As with any free site, you’ll stumble across a fair number of fake profiles, so it might take a bit longer to find women you actually want to meet.

Want more details on this popular free dating site? Check out this advanced guide to POF!

Going on a first date, whether in-person or via Zoom, can feel like walking a tightrope. You’re trying to seem eager without coming on too strong; smart but not condescending; funny but not obnoxious. And there's a lot you have to focus on at once, such as trying to figure out what to say while wondering if you've fully wiped off all that spaghetti sauce from your beard.

All of these pressures are why a lot of guys get nervous on a first date and end up missing their shot at a second one. You don't want that to be you—and we don't want that to be you, either. That's why we spoke with a few relationship experts to get their top tips on how to make your first date less scary, more fun, and super likely to land you date number two. (And if you’re struggling to come up with a solid first date idea, check out our list of first date ideas that will make you look like a creative genius.)

Make it a two-way conversation.

Sure, you have to tell them about yourself, but make sure you’re asking your date questions about their own accomplishments and hobbies. Things can get iffy if you only talk about yourself; it might seem like you’re just waiting for the date to be over so you can get them into bed, says Carole Lieberman, M.D., author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets. If you’re not sure where to start, their job is usually a good bet.

What will impress your date more is seeing that you’re genuinely interested in hearing about them. “Active listening goes a long way," says Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist. "Whether it's repeating back what you think you've heard, getting clarification or asking thoughtful questions."

Taylor Sparks, Erotic Educator and Founder of Organic Loven, encourages you to ask questions until you find something you have in common—and it doesn't have to be a shared passion. In fact, it can be the opposite: "There can be great bonding over ‘hating’ the same things, i.e. the Yankees, the Celtics, CrossFit, or raisins in your potato salad,” Sparks says.

Be mindful of touchiness.

You might think that touching them a lot on the first date shows that you’re into them. Not the case, says relationship expert April Masini of AskApril.com. What you’re actually showing is that you’re super-touchy on every first date. Way to make a person feel special, right?

“On a first date, touch should be limited and only natural, friendly, and warm—not sexual,” Lieberman says. In other words, it’s fine to take their hand to help them out of your car, or put your hand on their lower back to lead them through a crowded restaurant. But don’t drape your arm around their neck and hold them close the entire time. Touching is natural, but overdoing it can get a little weird.

Keep the cursing to a minimum.

Some people may love bad boys, but swearing like a sailor doesn’t make you a catch. “Cursing gets old very quickly,” Dr. Lieberman says. “It makes it look like you’re trying to be cool.” You’re a cool dude already. You don’t need to go dropping F-bombs to get that message across.

Curb the cursing habit now, in anticipation of all your future first dates (and job interviews, and other non-sailing situations), Dr. Lieberman says. It’s too difficult to just turn off a habit for a few hours, so eliminate four-letter words from your everyday vocabulary.

Be present in the moment.

You don't need to check those texts right now, no matter how much your friends are LOL-ing at that TikTok someone just shared. Ignoring outside distractions will show your date you're invested in the shared experience and make them feel valued.

It's also good for your own wellbeing to relax and enjoy the time you two have together. Ghose says, “Take your time. Slow down. Pause before speaking. Pay attention to your five senses: smell, touch, sight, sound, taste, and savor them. Listen. Breathe. You both deserve to enjoy this time together, even if it turns out, down the road, that you're not compatible.”

Curb any excess enthusiasm.

Giddiness doesn’t read as enthusiasm on a first date—it reads as anxiety, according to psychologist Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. “You end up sending the message that you’re uncomfortable with yourself, and unable to self-regulate,” Thomas explains. In other words, you look like a nervous wreck, and she’s going to bail.

If you tend to get giddy, plan a date with a distraction so that you’re not on the spot for suave conversation the entire time, Dr. Lieberman says. Some good options to take the pressure off: a play or a concert. If you’re having a virtual date, you could watch a movie or show together. You’ll still have the opportunity to talk, just not as much.

If your date wants to split the bill, go for it.

It's always a nice gesture to offer to treat your date, but if they want to split the bill, be open to that. We live in a society that allows for egalitarian partnerships!

If they object, you can explain that you're totally willing to go dutch on your next date, but since they agreed to spend their evening with you, you'd like to get this one. If they're still insistent on splitting the first-date check, do it. Allow them to establish boundaries that make them feel comfortable.

“The most important thing to remember when dating, whether it be your first date or your 100th date, is respect,” Ghose says.

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Dress to impress.

We should all take time to look nice for a date. You don’t need to go overboard, but be sure to do the basics: showering, shaving, and spritzing on little cologne.

Wear a simple-yet-polished outfit like dark jeans, a blazer, and loafers, and you’ll look put-together without seeming like you’re trying too hard.

This also applies to a virtual date! No matter what kind of date you’re on, putting in a bit of effort goes a long way.

Offer a polite compliment.

If you start off with some comment on how great their butt looks in those pants, they're not going to be into it. They will be immediately put off. Comments on appearance have to be given with finesse or you’ll start the evening (or end it) on the wrong note.

Stick to more neutral compliments, like "You look really nice tonight.” If your date doesn't seem to enjoy compliments on their appearance, go for a cool line like “I can’t get enough of your laugh.” Everyone likes to know they are appreciated, but you have to be self-aware enough to offer the right phrasing.

Humor is your friend.

Joking around with your date is a great way to break the ice. Everyone likes funny guys. Keep it light and flirty.

This shouldn’t be too hard. Find out something you both agree on. For instance, maybe you both think Frasier is a pretentious and terrible show, or absolutely love It's Always Sunny. Joke about that together. Remember that this is a date and enjoying yourselves is important—it isn't a job interview.

Virtual date? Cook together to show off those culinary skills.

It's no secret that a virtual date can be awkward—but, then again, what first date isn’t a little uncomfortable? Make use of the kitchen to break the ice!

A super fun way to make a virtual date feel both romantic and fun is to cook separately, but together. Decide on a simple meal that both of you can make in your kitchens over Zoom. You can follow along in the recipe together. This will give you an opportunity to ask your date questions about themselves while keeping your hands busy. This makes for fewer awkward silences.

Set the mood. Light some candles and sit down to eat together. It’s a very sweet way to make even the most distanced of dates feel close. (For more virtual date ideas, head here!)

Remember to have a good time!

“Putting pressure on a date to go a certain way takes the fun out of it, and turns it into an obligatory task,” Ghose says. “Try to have fun, laugh, enjoy each other. At the very least, you can make a friend out of the deal.”

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Going on a first date, whether in-person or via Zoom, can feel like walking a tightrope. You’re trying to seem eager without coming on too strong; smart but not condescending; funny but not obnoxious. And there's a lot you have to focus on at once, such as trying to figure out what to say while wondering if you've fully wiped off all that spaghetti sauce from your beard.

All of these pressures are why a lot of guys get nervous on a first date and end up missing their shot at a second one. You don't want that to be you—and we don't want that to be you, either. That's why we spoke with a few relationship experts to get their top tips on how to make your fitness dating apps date less scary, more fun, and super likely to land you date number two. (And if you’re struggling to come up with a solid first date idea, check out our list of first date ideas that will make you look like a creative genius.)

Make it a two-way conversation.

Sure, you have to tell them about yourself, but make sure you’re asking your date questions about their own accomplishments and hobbies. Things can get iffy if you only talk about yourself; it might seem like you’re just waiting for the date to be over so you can get them into bed, says Carole Lieberman, dating picking a guy, M.D., author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets. If you’re not sure where to start, dating picking a guy, their job is usually a good bet.

What will impress your date more is seeing that you’re genuinely interested in hearing about them. “Active listening goes a long way," says Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist. "Whether it's repeating back what you think you've heard, getting clarification or asking thoughtful questions."

Taylor Sparks, Erotic Educator and Founder of Organic Loven, encourages you to ask questions until you find something you have in common—and it doesn't have to be a shared passion. In fact, it can be the opposite: "There can be great bonding over ‘hating’ the same things, i.e. the Yankees, the Celtics, CrossFit, or raisins in your potato salad,” Sparks says.

Be mindful of touchiness.

You might think that touching them a lot on the first date shows that you’re into them. Not the case, says relationship expert April Masini of AskApril.com. What you’re actually showing is that you’re super-touchy on every first date. Way to make a person feel special, right?

“On a first date, touch should be limited dating picking a guy only natural, friendly, and warm—not sexual,” Lieberman says. In other words, it’s fine to take their hand to help them out of your car, or put your hand on their lower back to lead them through a crowded restaurant. But don’t drape your arm around their neck and hold them close the entire time. Touching is natural, but overdoing it can get a little weird.

Keep the cursing to a minimum.

Some people may love bad boys, but swearing like a sailor doesn’t make you a catch. “Cursing gets old very quickly,” Dr. Lieberman says. “It makes it look like you’re trying to be cool.” You’re a cool dude already. Dating picking a guy don’t need to go dropping F-bombs to get that message across.

Curb the cursing habit now, in anticipation of all your future first dates (and job interviews, and other non-sailing situations), Dr. Lieberman says. It’s too difficult to just turn off a habit for a few hours, dating picking a guy, so eliminate four-letter words from your everyday vocabulary.

Be present in the moment.

You don't need to check those texts right now, no matter how much your friends are LOL-ing at that TikTok someone just shared. Ignoring outside distractions will show your date you're invested in the shared experience and make them feel valued.

It's also good for your own wellbeing to relax and enjoy the time you two have together. Ghose says, “Take your time. Slow down. Pause before speaking. Pay attention to your five senses: smell, touch, sight, sound, taste, dating picking a guy, and savor them. Listen. Breathe. You both deserve to enjoy this time together, even if it turns out, down the road, that you're not compatible.”

Curb any excess enthusiasm.

Giddiness doesn’t read as enthusiasm on a first date—it reads as anxiety, according to psychologist Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. “You end up sending the message that you’re uncomfortable with yourself, and unable to self-regulate,” Thomas explains. In other words, you look like dating picking a guy nervous wreck, and she’s going to bail.

If you tend to get giddy, plan a date with a distraction so that you’re not on the spot for suave conversation the entire time, Dr. Lieberman says. Some good options to take the pressure off: a play or a concert. If you’re having a virtual date, you could watch a movie or show together, dating picking a guy. You’ll still have the opportunity to talk, just not as much.

If your date wants to split the bill, go for it.

It's always a nice gesture to offer to treat your date, but if they want to split the bill, be open to that. We live in a society that allows for egalitarian partnerships!

If they object, you can explain that you're totally willing to go dutch on your next date, but since they agreed to spend their evening with you, dating picking a guy, you'd like to get this one. If they're still insistent on splitting the first-date check, do it. Allow them to establish boundaries that make them feel comfortable.

“The most important thing to remember when dating, whether it be your first date or your 100th date, is black senior community dating Ghose says.

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Dress to impress.

We should all take time to look nice for a date. You dating picking a guy need to go overboard, but be sure to do the basics: showering, shaving, and spritzing on little cologne.

Wear a simple-yet-polished outfit like dark jeans, a blazer, and loafers, and you’ll look put-together without seeming like you’re trying too hard.

This also applies to a virtual date! No matter what kind of date you’re on, putting dating picking a guy a bit of effort goes a long way.

Offer a polite compliment.

If you start off with some comment on how great their butt looks in those pants, they're not going to be into it. They will be immediately put off. Comments on appearance have to be given with finesse or you’ll start the evening (or end it) on the wrong note.

Stick to more neutral compliments, like "You look really nice tonight.” If your date doesn't seem to enjoy compliments on their appearance, go for a cool line like “I can’t get enough of your laugh.” Everyone likes to know they are appreciated, but you have to be self-aware enough to offer the right phrasing.

Humor is your friend.

Joking around with your date is a great way to break dating picking a guy ice. Everyone likes funny guys. Keep it light and flirty.

This shouldn’t be too hard. Find out something you both agree on. For instance, maybe you both think Frasier is a pretentious and terrible show, or absolutely love It's Always Sunny. Joke about that together. Remember that this is a date and enjoying yourselves is important—it isn't a job interview.

Virtual date? Cook together to show off those culinary skills.

It's no secret that a virtual date can be awkward—but, then again, what first date isn’t a little uncomfortable? Make use of the kitchen to break the ice!

A super fun way to make a virtual date feel both romantic and fun is to cook separately, but together. Decide on a simple meal that both of you can make in your kitchens over Zoom. You can follow along in the recipe together. This will give you an opportunity to ask your date questions about themselves while keeping your hands busy. This makes for fewer awkward silences.

Set the mood. Light some candles and sit down to eat together. It’s a very sweet way to make even the most distanced of dates feel close. (For more virtual date ideas, head here!)

Remember to have a good time!

“Putting pressure on a date to go a certain way takes the fun out of it, and turns it into an obligatory task,” Ghose says. “Try to have fun, dating picking a guy, laugh, enjoy each other. At the very least, you can sim da dating app a friend out of the deal.”

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Online dating is now officially the #1 way new couples meet. So guys are always asking me, “What are the best dating apps for men?” They’re hoping for one answer. One site or app that tops all the other options when it comes to meeting women.

In reality, several factors play into which site or app works best for any particular person. Age is a big one, as can be the type of relationship desired. With that said, I’ve found there are a small handful of sites and apps dating picking a guy consistently work well for guys in four categories.

Exclusive Bonus: Want to steal one of our top-performing bios? Download our top 10 proven profiles right now so you can get more matches and date higher quality women. (It’s free!)

I identified those categories after analyzing over 1,987,000 interactions we’ve had on behalf of our clients across 100+ dating platforms. Crunching the numbers best sugar momma dating apps a few clear winners for each group.

Click on the category you fall into. Then check out which of these sites and apps consistently work well for guys just like you!

I'm:

The Best Dating Apps For Men Ages dating picking a guy To 25

1. Tinder

Tinder is the most popular dating app in the US. You probably have a buddy who met his girlfriend on it. If she’s 18 to 25 and single, she’s more than likely on Tinder – just over half of Tinder users are under 29. You’ll find everything from model-quality girls to cute “girl-next-door” types.

The majority of Tinder’s users are in urban locations. But because of the app’s popularity, it’s worth a shot even if you’re in a smaller, rural area. Using the app is free, with the option to upgrade to Tinder Plus, Tinder Gold, or Tinder Platinum.

If you want to meet the most beautiful local girls, you’ll definitely need to bring your A-game when you start sending messages. Check out these Tinder icebreakers that actually work!

2. Bumble

Often called the “female-friendly Tinder”, Bumble is unique in that only women can send the first message. So if you’re easy on the eyes (or know the secret to taking attractive online dating photos) then Bumble is worth a try.

Over 60% of Bumble users are under 30. But unlike Tinder it has a more “serious” vibe – to the extent it earned the nickname “the female-friendly Tinder.”

So if you're just in the market for hookups, stick with Tinder.

The women on Bumble tend to be cut from a different cloth…They’re a smart, beautiful, and successful bunch. According to Bumble, 60% of matches result in conversations, and the male/female ratio is dating picking a guy equal.

Like Tinder, it is totally free. You also have two options for upgrading. “Bumble Boost” starts at $14.99 for one month, and unlocks perks like undoing a swipe and promoting your profile every week.

Bumble Premium costs $32.99 for one month, and comes with features like seeing all the women who already “liked” your profile and changing your location. To compare the two upgrade options, check out this review!

But whether you use Bumble for free or decide to subscribe, keep in mind she has to make the first move. Your profile and photos need to grab her attention. Check out these Bumble profile tips that get you dates.

3. Hinge

Hinge has nicknamed itself “the relationship app” – so the women you'll find on it are generally looking for something serious. With almost 49% of Hinge users in their 20s, it's a great dating app for men in this demographic looking for a steady girlfriend.

Hinge has a few key features that make it really easy to start a conversation. You can include a message when you “like” her profile, so you don't have to match first. And the profile itself makes it easy to figure out what to say. You can “like” a photo or a prompt answer, and include a comment. (Want to see some examples of great first messages? Check out these Hinge conversation tips!)

Like Tinder & Bumble, Hinge also has a premium subscription – it's called Hinge Preferred. You'll likely want to invest in it if you live in a mega city. Free users can only “like” up to 10 profiles every 24 hours, and upgrading removes that restriction.

4. Happn

If you live in a mega city like NY or LA, give Happn a go. Based entirely on proximity to fellow users, this app will show you the profiles of women you’ve crossed paths with in real life.

It will alert you if a Happn user wanders within a dating radius that you set, which can encompass up to 55 miles from wherever you currently are. If you both swipe right, you have the ability to start messaging. This means you could potentially go from message to meet up in just a few minutes if you’re both waiting for your lattes at the same time.

Happn attracts both casual daters and women interested in a more long-term relationship, dating picking a guy, so whatever you're looking for you can find it on this popular dating app.

Want a profile that catches her eye? Don't miss these Happn profile tips!

The Best Dating Sites & Apps For Men 26-39 Looking For Short-Term Fun

1. Tinder

Tinder is the go-to dating app for women of all ages. The whole nature of Tinder is very casual, dating picking a guy, so you don’t have to worry about your matches being saturated with women looking for Prince Charming.

Men outnumber women on Tinder, so you’ll need to put extra effort into choosing strong photos if you want to catch the attention of the most attractive local women. Choose at least three pictures – 100% free canadian dating sites will get you 4x as many matches as just having one. These essential tips on choosing online dating photos will help get you more dates!

2, dating picking a guy. OkCupid

OkCupid is one of the more popular dating sites out there and is definitely worth your time if you live in a decent-sized city. Most dating picking a guy the dating picking a guy are in their mid-20s to 30s… a.k.a. perfect for you.

It’s free, with dating picking a guy option to upgrade to OkCupid Basic or Premium, starting at or $19.99 a month. You’ll find a wide spectrum of women on the site, everything from hipsters and goths to ambitious professionals.

Because OkCupid is such a popular site, you’ll want a profile that stands out from the crowd. These OkCupid profile tips will fill your inbox with interested women.

3. Plenty Of Fish

Plenty of Fish (POF) has a massive pool of users, and for that reason alone, it’s worth a shot. As far as free dating sites go, it’s one of the best options out there. Features like sending and receiving messages or seeing who checked out your profile don’t require a paid subscription, which is another plus.

On the downside, the sheer number of users creates the need to do some heavy duty profile screening. But in the grand scheme of things, having too many women to choose from is a good problem to have, right?

These awesome POF profile and message tips will boost your results!

The Best Sites & Apps For Men 26-39 Looking For Girlfriend Dating and marriage customs around the world. Match

Match is the most popular paid dating site in the world, and it’s also first one that comes to mind for many when they think about online dating.

If you are looking for a one-stop-shop to meet beautiful, smart, single women (and actually date those women), then Match is the site for you. Not only is it jam-packed with attractive women… thanks to the monthly fee, the women also tend to be serious about meeting people in person and finding someone special.

If you want to meet the most high-quality women on Match, you’ll need an irresistible profile and magnetic photos. Our Ultimate Guide To Online Dating For Guys has everything you need to know to make that happen.

2. Bumble

Bumble is the swipe-based app where only women get to make the first move. That means you’ll want an intriguing profile and strong photos that will compel her to message you.

According to Bumble, 60% of matches result in conversations, and the women the app attracts tend to be intelligent, successful, and attractive. The male to female ratio is about equal, too.

The app is free to use, with the option to upgrade to Bumble Boost ($14.99/mo) or Bumble Premium ($32.99/mo) for perks like skipping straight to profiles of women who have already liked you, so swiping right means a match is guaranteed. These Bumble profile tips will help you turn those matches into dates.

3. Hinge

Thanks to taglines like “designed to be deleted,” Hinge is rapidly becoming one of the best dating apps for singles seeking a serious relationship. Just under half of Hinge users are in their 30s & 40s, and it tends to attract dating picking a guy with true “significant other” potential.

It's free to use, although if you're not a Hinge Preferred subscriber you're limited to just a handful of “likes” each day. Another Hinge perk is how easy starting a conversation is – profiles are broken down into prompt answers interspersed with photos. All you need to do is “like” a particular part of her profile, and you can include a message with – no need to match first.

Because users are required to have a complete profile in order to send messages – including a full 6-photo lineup – you won't find as many fake profiles on this dating app compared to apps like Tinder.

4. The League

If you're in your late 20s+, successful in your field and looking to meet truly incredible women, The League is practically a must. It's only in 60 select major cities around the country – and there's a strict screening process to gain admission. But throwing your hat in the ring is worth it precisely because the bar is so high.

You can use the app for free, but you'll only up to 3 matches per day. A premium subscription starts around $30 per month, with several levels available depending on how many daily matches and other perks you want to access,

Putting time and effort into your profile is essential for this elite dating app, so check out these tips for getting off The League's waiting list sooner rather than later.

5. OkCupid

This free, highly popular dating site attracts millions of users – and it’s got an endless array of just about any kind of woman you could think of. If you live in or near a bigger city, it’s definitely worth a try.

OkCupid has the option to upgrade to “A-List”, which will unlock advanced search options dating picking a guy body type, dating picking a guy, attractiveness, and personality. This means free dating site in san jose be able to filter out all of the unattractive women with a couple extra clicks. You’ll also be able to see who likes you. Upgrading costs as little as $7.95 a month, depending on the length of subscription.

If you’re investing in an OkCupid subscription, you want to get the most out of your profile. These OkCupid profile tips will get you noticed by the type of women you're interested in meeting!

The Best Dating Sites & Apps For Men 40+

1. Match

Match is the most popular paid dating site in existence, and you’ll find plenty of attractive, successful women in their 30s+, dating picking a guy. The monthly subscription fee helps weed out women who aren’t serious about meeting up, so you won’t find as many fakes and flakes as you would on a free site like OkCupid or POF.

To attract the most beautiful women, you’ll need a profile that sets you apart from the competition. Here’s how to write a profile that gets results on Match.com.

2. MillionaireMatch

If you are a mature, successful gentleman who would like to meet a younger lady, then MillionaireMatch was made for you. It’s not a straight-up sugar daddy site like SugarDaddie.com or SeekingArrangement, but a dating site specifically for accomplished professionals and beautiful women.

MillionaireMatch tends to attract established women as well as the young, hot girls who are guaranteed to make your buddies jealous. Out online dating has changed everything dating picking a guy the online dating sites we use on behalf of our clients, we’ve found MillionaireMatch has the most beautiful and highly responsive women.

Being a millionaire isn’t a requirement, although going through the “millionaire certification” process can send your response rate through the roof. And sending and receiving messages requires upgrading to Gold membership ($35-70/month, dating picking a guy, depending on the length of your subscription), but the women you’ll find are worth it. Click here for tips on writing a profile that will snag her attention.

3. The League

This exclusive dating app is one of the best places for accomplished men in their 40s+ to meet high-quality women – but it's not for just anyone. In fact, there's an acceptance committee who will evaluate your credentials to determine if you're worthy. The League waiting list is one of the hurdles you'll have to navigate if you want access to their upscale dating pool.

Check out dating picking a guy informative The League dating app review to see if it's in your city – and get a few tips on how to craft your profile so that you're among the 20-30% of singles who make the grade.

If you're in your late 20s+, successful in your field and looking to meet truly incredible women, The League is practically a must. It's only in 60 select major cities around the country – and there's a strict screening process to gain admission. But throwing your hat in the ring is worth it precisely because the bar is so high.

You can use the app for free, but you'll only up to 3 matches per day. A premium subscription starts around $30 per month, with several levels available depending on how many daily matches and other perks you want to access,

Putting time and effort into your profile is essential for this elite dating app, so check out these tips for getting off The League's waiting list sooner rather than later.

4. Hinge

Half of Hinge's users are over 30, so if want to date a woman in her 30s or 40s it's dating picking a guy great option.

With marketing like “designed to be deleted” and “The Relationship App”, it's no surprise singles on Hinge are primarily looking for something on the longer end of the relationship spectrum. Features like “Most Compatible” and “Standouts” provided curated matches, and the app's interactive “comment on a prompt or photo” format makes it quite easy to start a conversation on Hinge.

Hinge is free, although there is also a premium version with plenty of handy perks. Starting at $19.99 for one month, you can like as many profiles as dating picking a guy want each day, unlock all the available match criteria filters, and see at a glance every user who already “liked” your profile.

To learn more about how exactly Hinge works, check out this dating app review.

5. POF.com

Plenty of Fish (POF) is hands down one of the most popular free dating sites out there, dating picking a guy, and a whopping 80% of the singles who use it are over 30. Most of the site’s features are free, which means you don’t have to upgrade to send/receive messages or see who checked out your profile.

The user pool is huge, so you’ll definitely want to take advantage of the site’s advanced search filters. As with any free site, you’ll stumble across a fair number of fake profiles, so it might take a bit longer to find women you actually want to meet.

Want more details on this popular free dating site? Check out this advanced guide to POF!

The following is excerpted from the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” ~ Bill Maher

All the relationship advice in the world won’t make any difference if you’re choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what they’re doing wrong, why they can’t seem to make it fit, why they can’t get the love they want. You can’t turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You can’t force someone to change and to want what you want. You can’t convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

I spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldn’t or couldn’t give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn’t get ugly men on dating sites lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but it’s a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels dating picking a guy right, because we’re swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him, dating picking a guy. We convince ourselves that this is it, that he’s the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe you’ve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This dating picking a guy just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If you’re hung up on a man dating picking a guy can’t commit or won’t commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect “if only” he changed such and such, then you’re setting dating picking a guy up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

Where Healthy Relationships Begin

Before we talk about what to look for in a guy, it’s important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.

Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you (it was certainly a recurring theme for me in my single life!) You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.

After this encounter you can’t—for the dating picking a guy of you—get this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with him—what he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it, dating picking a guy. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations … and it feels really nice.

Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?

Instinctively, dating picking a guy, you would say the second one. In real life, dating picking a guy, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same dating picking a guy status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull

Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive chemistry isn’t what creates a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term.

When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isn’t exactly what you would term romantic, dating picking a guy. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably drawn to someone who isn’t good for us.

Imago Theory

This theory, developed by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., posits that the pull we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states dating picking a guy we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.

How it pans out is something like this: if your parents always made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who make you feel like you’re not good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful feelings from your past.

If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very critical, trying to win his love and approval in order to heal from the hurt of your father’s rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we meet someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel (again, this happens unconsciously).

On a conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, dating picking a guy, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.

You may also unconsciously seek out partners who dating picking a guy some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For example, dating picking a guy, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.

Maybe this sounds a little too New Agey to you, or maybe it doesn’t describe your situation at all, but it’s a powerful concept and it has gained a

lot of praise and recognition in the field of psychology so it’s worth considering. I know I’ve seen some of this at play in my own dating life.

Infatuation

Being infatuated sounds dating picking a guy a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isn’t based on anything real. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourself—I mean, how could your true self ever compete with perfection?
You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men dating picking a guy do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.

Healthy Relationships Build Slowly

Healthy relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy dating picking a guy, which usually start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.

The most important trait to develop is objectivity, dating picking a guy. No one really talks about that because it’s not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent yourself from getting hurt, you’ll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you it’s a great idea to go for the bad boy who’s just so dreamy, even when he’s out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he won’t be in a committed relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesn’t operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you weren’t thinking, that’s not what the heart does. OK, I know I’m being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the dating picking a guy of a relationship, it’s best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

The best way to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.

It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the best way to do this is to go slowly. I don’t necessarily mean physically, I mean emotionally.

When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all too old to start dating, you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement lincoln county dating sites stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some cliché like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

I am not saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guy—the infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life. (I’ve seen it happen countless times!)

Either way you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the object of your infatuation.

If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. When you do this, you never get a break from the emotional high and you don’t get a chance to come back down and free disabled dating sie many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about dating picking a guy can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you dating picking a guy recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. Everyone has flaws.

Why It Matters

When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live only dating picking a guy the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.

I’ve seen (and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginning—they’re different religions, want to live in different states, dating picking a guy, one person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of
their hearts from the beginning.

Qualities That Make Him a Keeper

A lot of women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail … why guys treat them badly…why they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husband—or even relationship—material and hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.

Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though his acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.

The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that aren’t good for you and don’t fulfill your fundamental emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship.

When I hit that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the dating a woman with trust issues of dating and wanted to settle down and find “the one,” I realized that the kinds of guys I liked to date weren’t necessarily husband material, dating picking a guy, and I had to really examine my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most essential qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.

• • He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without black speed dating los angeles you feel guilty for dating picking a guy flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will
    make him feel even closer to you.
  • He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.
  • He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we don’t have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.

• He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and white—usually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say it’s your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.
  • For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.
  • You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try.
• He has similar beliefs and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he dating picking a guy where you stand (and vice versa) and that you’re both willing to work dating picking a guy to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.
  • Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.
• He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, dating picking a guy, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Dating picking a guy someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.
  • He respects everything about you—your thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.
• He wants to make you happy. One of a man’s most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but it’s true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isn’t real love. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.
• He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. Dating websites where you can message for free the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, dating picking a guy, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.
• He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say he’ll get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.
  • If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious, dating picking a guy. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t … then at least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman makes getting married a goal and I respect that. But I’m speaking to best dating site for seniors who want a lasting dating picking a guy, be dating picking a guy marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper.

But the Most Important Quality of All Is …

He wants to make it work. He’s willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people have different ideas about what it means to put effort into a relationship. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a mistress and slave dating site in us point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I remember the exact moment I knew my husband was the one. After about a month of everything being perfect (as they usually are in the beginning), we had our first conflict. It was nothing major; we just started experiencing areas where our personalities clashed and seeing how we process things differently. I tend to be more intellectual and straightforward in my thinking, while he’s more emotional and dynamic in his thinking. I would get impatient with this, and my impatience was hurtful to him. The details don’t really matter, what matters is that I remember the way he brought the issue up and how sincere he was about working through things and getting to a place of better understanding.

I have seen countless variations of this kind of scenario: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Maybe she acts needy or maybe he gets distant, but whatever happens suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. Then he decides he can’t hang anymore and tells her he “doesn’t have time for a dating picking a guy or he can’t give her what she needs. The girl racks her brain trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done differently.

She thinks if she hadn’t been so needy, if she had been a little more chilled out, dating picking a guy, if she hadn’t done this and instead done that, dating picking a guy. Really, the only way things would have turned out differently is if she had behaved perfectly according to his script, if she’d never disagreed or been unhappy with him, if she’d been perfectly in alignment with his thoughts and what he wanted in a partner, dating picking a guy. That sounds reasonable, right? (That’s sarcasm in case it didn’t come dating picking a guy a guy leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most important quality you need in a partner, and that is a man who is committed china girl dating usa only to you, but to making it work. It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is all sunshine and roses. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more dating men with no friends yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. He wants to overcome the differences, to get to a place of better understanding. My husband and I are so different. The way we think and feel is different, dating picking a guy, and the way we communicate is different. In the beginning of our relationship this definitely caused problems, but now, after really committing to working on it, we have hit this amazing place of understanding and online dating toronto so much more in sync. The differences still exist, but we were able to meet in the middle. Even when things got difficult, I wasn’t any less sure he was the guy for me because of how deeply dating picking a guy he was to making it work.

A big mistake I see women making is blaming themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable, I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah, you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences, there will always be problems, you will not always behave exactly how he wants a partner to behave (same for him).

A relationship isn’t about finding the dating picking a guy match, it’s about finding someone you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with, dating picking a guy. Notice the word form. It’s an active process; it doesn’t just exist. It’s about working together, being a team, and overcoming the challenges.

Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion or where to live or lifestyle preferences. But all the other stuff—personality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Every relationship is different and comes with a unique set of circumstances. However, there are some universal standards that indicate a guy isn’t the right one for you, a few red flags that should never be ignored but usually are.

You Don’t Trust Him

Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, dating picking a guy, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease, dating picking a guy. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and dating picking a guy edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.

If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout; that’s just exhausting.

Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated, maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.

If he cheated on you or lied to dating picking a guy, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself when you decide if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a life in which you always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.

If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut. Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just dating picking a guy sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of a cheating/lying ex.

There Is No Depth of Connection

Sexual chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle, yet for a lot of couples it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so, so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly showed dating picking a guy wasn’t the one … and wasn’t even that great of a person.

For a relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know your partner intimately, and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need to know who he is, what he wants out of life, and what his hopes, dreams, and fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.

Each person is composed of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the core. Your life partner should be in the last group.

Knowing the basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things about your guy as most of the other people in his life, then you don’t have much depth of connection.
Dating picking a guy, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like you’re connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.

Attraction and sexual top lesbian dating sites are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all you have that’s fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about finding the one.

Lack list of qualifications dating courting a guy Respect

Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.

Respect is huge for guys. In fact, dating picking a guy, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their relationship. Just as most women need to feel loved and adored, men need to feel respected and admired. A man needs to feel like the man; he needs to feel respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will resent you and will not want to be with you long term.

At the same time, you need to be with a partner who respects you. This means he respects you as a person: your beliefs, your aspiration, and especially your boundaries.

Eye rolling has actually been shown by famous relationship researcher John Gottman to be a big predictor of divorce, and it’s no surprise … eye rolling is a manifestation of contempt, which is the opposite of respect.

He Brings out Your Worst

As I mentioned earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best.

The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to a person who brings out their worst.

Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.

Throughout the course of my yearlong relationship with Eric, I was unrecognizable from my previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked, anxious, and perpetually on edge, but I couldn’t let go because of my strong feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip, and free dating sites with no fees was only when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic the situation truly was.

It wasn’t that he was a bad guy; he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner, dating picking a guy. While getting myself out of that relationship felt impossible, the end was always inevitable because we brought out the worst in each other.

The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, not drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself, dating picking a guy. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work, dating picking a guy. But this work leads to a positive place, a place of growth and understanding and more love and connection, dating picking a guy. Bad relationships are ones where the work involved is expending energy on fighting and arguing and trying to win. A relationship won’t always feel perfect and pleasant, but overall it will help you grow into a better person, as long as dating ariane sex guide dating picking a guy a good guy who is committed to making it work and loves and appreciates you for who you are.

He Doesn’t Take Responsibility

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone won’t take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when he’s wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; it’s a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other person’s perspective. However, it doesn’t always start out this way. In the beginning he’s enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that you’re the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you aren’t supportive enough, you’re always negative. It’s always you, never him.

I’m not saying every dating chat lines free trials who can’t take responsibility is a psycho; he dating picking a guy just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features.

He’s Selfish

I have a friend who was seeing dating picking a guy guy she really liked, and dating picking a guy continued to dating picking a guy him even though he was clearly a bit immature and selfish and not ready to settle down (we joked that he had her sexmotized and that’s why she wasn’t able to break free of his spell). There were signs of trouble all over the place, but most were little things and that’s why they were easy to sweep under the rug.

For example, one night dating picking a guy suggested they go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant she loved, and he got all pissy and said there wasn’t a point in going out for Indian food if he couldn’t eat meat. Never mind the fact that he always chose the restaurants, that they always did what he wanted, that they always slept at his apartment because that’s what he wanted, or the fact that he had told her to pick a place for dinner. It was the one time she got to decide something, and she was overruled because it wasn’t what he wanted.

This may seem like a silly example, dating picking a guy, but it demonstrates the essence of selfishness, one that will continue to pop up when dealing with a selfish person. And in that relationship, it did, over and over until finally she couldn’t take it anymore and ended it, dating picking a guy. (This launched the make-up and break-up cycle for a while, because that’s what happens when you linger in a relationship with the wrong guy, dating picking a guy, but eventually they cut it off for good.)

Selfish people also tend to engage in selfish love. That is, they love you when you make them feel good; when you’re behaving how they want you to, they’re the best partners ever. When you go off script, then they withdraw and won’t do anything for you in a sort of tit-for-tat retaliation.

That’s not how a relationship works. A relationship isn’t dating picking a guy to serve one person. It’s a partnership and it’s about working together, not one person working for the other.

Let Your Gut Be Your Guide

I mentioned the importance of listening to your gut earlier and want to get into it a little deeper because it’s an essential skill, one that can keep you out of sticky situations.
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At the end of the day, you usually already know the answers to your dating questions. The lists I provided of qualities to look for and red flags to watch out for can help you see things more clearly, maybe making it harder to hide from what’s right in front of you, but international dating sites you already know. You know when a guy isn’t worthy of you—when you’re wasting your time, when you’re not being treated the way you would like to be treated or the dating picking a guy you know you deserve to be treated—but you push this knowledge down because you just don’t want to deal with it. You don’t want to deal with a breakup, with putting yourself back on the market, with dating more guys, navigating the waters, trying to find a guy who cares about you. You don’t want to because it’s exhausting! It seems somehow easier to stick with what’s broken and try to just make it work.

In a good, strong, healthy relationship, you feel loved and secure. You don’t question whether your man is using you and if the things he says are genuine. You just feel at ease. Feeling constantly on edge, waiting anxiously for the other shoe to drop, is usually a sign that something is amiss and your instincts are trying to guy im dating calls me boo your eyes to a reality you don’t want to see.

Your gut is dating picking a guy powerful tool in relationships. It’s something we all possess and it can be fine-tuned to work optimally. The way to get in touch with it is to listen to what it’s telling you. Listen to that small, quiet voice that gently tells you: “You deserve more than this, you don’t need this guy.”

The voice of your ego is loud and overpowering, dating picking a guy. It tells you “Of course he’s the guy for you! So what if he disappears for days at a time, he told you that you were the most amazing women he’s ever met, so I mean, DUH! He loves you.”

Your ego shouts over the noise and convinces you that the outcome you want is reality because it has a lot at stake should this not be the case.

Most people allow their egos to get so entangled in their relationships that when the relationship collapses, their ego comes crashing down with it and then absolute misery dating picking a guy unconscious mind has a whole arsenal of information that our conscious mind doesn’t have easy access to. It has stored up pretty much everything that’s ever happened to us and makes decisions accordingly.

Have you ever met someone and liked him right away even though you barely knew him? Or maybe you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, but you just can’t stand her? This is the unconscious at work. The people we’re drawn to oftentimes remind us of people we’ve dating picking a guy positive encounters with in the past. So too with the people we don’t like right off the bat.

You can pick up on things subconsciously without even realizing it, and it will cause you to have a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint or explain.

The point is, most of the time you already know the answer. The problem is that you wish it were a different answer so instead of accepting it you whittle away what you know with rationalizations.

Here are a few tips to help you get better acquainted with your gut:

• Ask yourself a question and listen for the immediate answer. For example, if you’re debating whether or not to dump your boyfriend, dating picking a guy, ask yourself: “Should I break up with him?” and listen to what first pops into your head. The real answer will most often come first, and then the excuses and justifications will pile on top.
• Make the decision and then listen to your body. If it’s a bad decision you’ll feel an aversion to it, usually in the pit of your stomach.
• Check with a friend. It can help to get an outsider’s perspective because sometimes we can mistake wishful thinking for our gut instincts. Talk to a friend you trust for a dose of objectivity.
• Practice mindfulness. Most people live their lives bouncing from one thing to the next—work, errands, happy hour. There isn’t that much time to listen to our own thoughts. Try to stay mindful and conscious throughout the day and check in with yourself to see what you’re thinking and feeling. It also helps to set aside some reflection time. You can use this time to meditate, do yoga, journal, take a walk around the park—anything that will give you the space to check in
  with yourself.

Remember this: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life. Choose wisely! 

Love doesn’t have to be that hard. Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts by Sabrina Alexis is available here.

I don't have to tell you that dating today is the most complicated it's ever been. Anyone who owns a phone knows that truly connecting with someone—and seeing them consistently enough to build an actual, exclusive relationship (gasp)—is tougher than an overcooked steak. But that's where dating rules come in: When you have guardrails in place to help you stay in your lane and protect you from less straightforward souls, the road to finding The One becomes much easier to navigate.

Of course, everyone should have their own set of dating rules, cherry-picked to their own wants and needs. Ideally, these rules will push you toward healthy relationships and pull you away from what could become one-sided or toxic ones (or not relationships at all, a.k.a. situationships), in order to save you time, energy, and lots of conflicting emotions. Keep in mind that sometimes the rules that are most crucial for you to follow through on might be the ones that are the least fun to keep, so try not to blow off your own dating rules just because you find them challenging. You put them in place for a reason—trust yourself, dating picking a guy, girl!

Now, if you're struggling to figure out your own dating rules, I might be able to help you out. I coach a lot of women (and men!) on how to cultivate a healthy dating life, because unfortunately, you can't depend on Cupid to make all the magic happen (if only it were that simple.). These are my top 11 dating rules to consider in this wild world of modern romance. Choose the rules that work for you, ditch the ones that don't, and of course, experiment as needed to find your own. There's no right or wrong here.

1. Date multiple people at once.

Yes, dating picking a guy, you heard me! Before you enter an agreed-upon monogamous relationship, do yourself a favor and play the field. Because here's what's most likely to happen if you don't: You meet someone you really like, you go out with them again, things escalate, and then—bam—they either pull away, ghost, or tell you they're dating picking a guy looking for something serious. Now you're crushed because you're emotionally invested in them—but they haven't invested at all in you. When you're even the slightest attached to a person, the disappointment stings. Spare yourself the hurt by putting a metaphorical egg in several baskets.

2. Keep dates short.

I like to tell my clients not to let dates go on dating picking a guy more than 90 minutes. Why? That's enough time to get to know the person on a surface level and (hopefully) feel a spark, but not long enough that your brain starts getting carried away with the excitement of the potential. Dinner dates that spontaneously turn into a five-hour bar crawl or movie night can be incredibly fun, but they can also leave you in a state of confusion and despair if nothing develops from the marathon outing afterward.

Not to mention, when you keep dates brief, you're less likely to burn out and swear off dating if they're not all that great, dating picking a guy. Make your love life easy on yourself!

3. Be upfront about wanting a relationship.

If, that is, indeed what you want. There's nothing to be gained by hiding the fact that you're ultimately looking for your forever person, but there's a lot you can lose by it. For one, your emotional sanity when the person you've been dating digs their heels in keeping things casual, and two, a lot (sometimes a LOT) of time.

If you're worried that telling a potential partner you want a relationship (in general, not necessarily with them) because you think it'll scare them off or make you seem desperate, let go of that idea. Anyone who bails when you're honest about your intentions isn't someone who would stick around in the long run, anyway, so you're doing yourself a solid.

4. Avoid talking about exes on early dates.

An oldie but a goodie dating rule, for a reason: Talking about past relationships and breakups gets heavy fast, dating picking a guy, and the first few dates should be light and easy, dating picking a guy. Sure, finding out how someone's last few major relationships ended—and opening up about how yours did, too—is a great way to learn about the person and connect on a deeper level. But there's plenty of time for that later, so hold off for the first handful of dates.

If they bring up the ex convo, divert it with something like: "I’d be happy to tell you about that stuff when we get to know each other a little better, but for now Dating picking a guy really enjoying hearing about XYZ."

5. Pay more attention to follow-through than advanced planning.

I totally understand why some women might not want to accept a last-minute date (or have a Three-Day Rule, or some such), but I wouldn't write off someone based on how far (or not far) in advance they initiate a date. Some people are just not great planners! And everyone knows how hectic life can be.

I would, however, notice if they mention plans and then don't follow up on them when the day comes—you want dating picking a guy mature adult who's willing and able—not to mention, interested enough—to make things happen.

Of course, if you feel like they habitually hit you up out of convenience or they rarely make an attempt to show you that they're thinking about you, then you should feel free to let them know.or lose their number entirely.

Confused by modern dating picking a guy You're not alone. WH has answers.well, some at least:

6. Don't feel obligated to send a thank-you text.

Oh man, dating picking a guy, the thank-you text. Is there any text more debated and controversial than the one that directly follows the first date? I know some people think the woman absolutely should send one shortly after the end of the first date to let the other person know that she's interested, and then others think it should always fall on the guy (assuming you're pursuing a male prospect).

I'm sort of old-school when it comes to pursuit dynamics, which evolutionarily speaking, tend to be led by the male. As long as you thanked your date warmly and sincerely in person before parting ways (which, btw, you absolutely should do whether you're into seeing them again or not), I believe there's no reason to send a follow-up text. Doing so can put them in a position where they feel obligated dating picking a guy respond in a certain way and black women left out dating race any healthy tension on their part of wondering, Oh, she said she had a good time; I think she likes me, but I'll have to feel her out in a few days. That's a great place to leave them.

That said, if you worry that you were a little standoffish or far from flirty on the date (I get it.nerves!), you can reassure them that you enjoyed yourself via text. Don't overthink this. It's not a job interview—if you know you showed your enthusiasm in person, the ball is in their court. Let them throw it.

7. Give them two weeks to reach out again.

I know, I know—twoweeks?! But hear me out.

Even after a great date, someone might need to figure out how compatible they think you two might be and what dating picking a guy they can make. I urge you not to read a whole lot into how quickly they text you—as long as it’s within two weeks. That's plenty of time for a person to have decided whether and when they want to see you again. (After that dating sites with military singles, it's safe to assume that they're unable or unwilling to prioritize even the idea of you. Next!)

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Pay attention to how they follow up when they do—that’s an important of what you’re looking at. Waiting a week to send a one-word text ("Heyyyyy") is very different from reaching out after 10 days with, "Hey, things have been hectic at work, but I’d love to see you again—are you free next week?" How they pursue you is more important than how quickly they pursue you, so keep that in mind when your post-date anxiety dating picking a guy in.

8, dating picking a guy. Wait at least a few dates to have sex.

I'm not anti- first-date sex, but I'm also not necessarily for it. As a therapist, I know that it's it's very, very important to truly know not only someone's dating picking a guy but also whether their actions align with them, and that's hard to figure out upon first meeting them.

One-thousand percent, to each their own, especially on this topic—but in my professional opinion, a dating rule that can really come in handy for sparing your precious heart is avoiding sexual intimacy until you know you're both looking for the same thing. If that's just a sexual connection, great! But if it's something dating a desperate girl, like an actual relationship, you want to make sure that that's their goal, too. Because having sex only makes you feel even more attached to a person.and can sometimes make you feel down on yourself if they don't end up committing to you. No one needs to feel that.

9. Don't freak out about who pays.

It's almost 2020, and it's time to stop forcing gender norms on dates. Assuming you're a female seeking a male partner, there's absolutely no reason the man has to pay for the date, just as much as there's absolutely no reason the woman shouldn't. This is an opportunity to do what makes you comfortable and stays within your values.

If you want to offer to cover or split the bill, Dating picking a guy think anyone these days appreciates that, whether they accept your offer or not. If they do let you, it's not a sign that they're not interested—just as much as their insistence on paying doesn't necessarily mean they are. Try not dating a gypsy girl take too much meaning in that, unless they tell you otherwise.

10. Feel free to do some of the planning yourself.

I know it feels nice when someone else takes the reins on choosing a time and place for your date, but again, some people just aren't great planners, so if you have a certain idea in mind, throw it out there. They'll probably appreciate your effort— it takes pressure off of them, which can actually make them go dating picking a guy the thing a bit less tense or nervous (so a win for you in the end, really). If you all-caps hate planning anything, though (like, even choosing a brunch spot with your friends), let them know you're down for X or Y.but you actually have to be down for that (because they will dating picking a guy from it).

Oh, and P.S. If you want to make the first move and ask someone out, go for it! The worst that happens dating picking a guy they turn you down. Their loss!

11. Eat whatever the heck you want.

I have to end on this one because it trips me up that what you order is even a topic of discussion when it comes to dating. You may have heard the "Always order a salad," "Never finish your plate," or "Never bring home food" rules, because you are A Lady. To which I say, pssha!

How silly it is that these dating rules exist in the first place. Eat what you want to eat, for the love of pasta! If you're hungry, by all means, go to town and fork down as much as you need to feel satisfied. And if you're a leftovers kind of gal, you want a partner who respects your not wasting food.and even thinks it's kinda sexy how much you love a nice meal.

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't appreciate your appetite, whether it's for a (not tough) steak or a boring salad, dating picking a guy. Trust me on that.

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“When it rains, it pours,” Anna, 28, sighed, beat and frustrated. She’d been enjoying the single life for a year or so—dating here and there, but it was all in good fun—nothing too serious. Then she ran into Charlie, and sparks flew like they never flew before.

That same week, dating picking a guy, she met Brian, and sparks flew just as high. It was as if she had won the lottery, twice. Both smart, both funny, and both genuinely good (and good-looking!), these two single men decided to enter her life at the same time. It was best local dating apps.. . at first.

She wisely kept the ensuing dates light and casual, expecting that as time went on, it would become clear which guy was for real. But, to her surprise, no shining epiphany came. Instead, she found that both guys were for real, and she felt herself becoming closer to both of them. She soon learned that she could keep them at arm’s length for only so long.

Several weeks in, it was time to choose. Not only were conversations becoming harder to keep straight, but it was unfair to the men who were starting to talk about exclusivity, which sounded appealing—if only she could decide which one she dating picking a guy to be exclusive with. What normally would be a relief—an amazing guy who is ready to commit—felt like heart-wrenching torture when coming from two people.

Boohoo. Cry me a freaking river, already! you might be tempted to suggest. After all, to many women, dating picking a guy doesn’t sound like a dilemma—this sounds like a wonderful problem to have, like dating picking a guy scene straight out of a rom-com.

While the plight of women with too many suitors isn’t necessarily the worst problem to have in the world, it’s one problem that’s rarely given any sympathy. As I, too, can attest, it’s a painful decision. I once had to choose between a long-standing sort-of-more-than-friend who had finally decided to pursue something concrete and a handsome stranger I had met completely by chance at a concert. For weeks, dating picking a guy, my stomach was in knots, and my heart was torn.

So just ask the women who have been through this.

You may not be stuck between two men. But maybe you’re trying to decide what the future holds with one guy. In either situation, dating picking a guy, insight from women who have had to make a hard choice can come in handy when navigating the dating pool.

I spoke with eight women who’ve found themselves in a situation similar to Anna’s—choosing between two great men—before. As I analyzed the stories of Anna, Meghan, Kate, Michelle, Tracey, Claire, Anne, dating picking a guy, and Marie, I identified two important questions that helped these women decide which man was right for them.

01. Who is more attractive to me?

For each of these women, dating picking a guy, the question of attraction routinely came up—but it didn’t mean they were focused on looks. Marie put it like this: “Did one spend more money on me? Yes. Was he better-looking, objectively? Yes.” But that didn’t make her choose him—she ended up going with the other “objectively less handsome” guy. Because, to her, he was more attractive due to their compatibility.

“Sure, I went on a date with one man who really dating picking a guy be described as a ‘perfect candidate,’” Kate says. “Same religion, great job, handsome, really genuinely good guy. But I didn’t have the same level of attraction that I felt with the other guy.”

According to these women, their attraction boiled down to compatibility, not a checklist. But, dating picking a guy, knowing what feels compatible to you takes a deep understanding of yourself, as well as courage to follow through and go against convention. “Finding the right man is like shopping for a dress—the dresses that look great on the rack are not always the ones that fit the best,” Monica Gabriel told Verily readers.

While men are obviously much more nuanced and important than finding that perfect dress, I think it’s the ideal metaphor to describe compatibility. Knowing what kind of man works best with you comes from a deep sense of knowing who you are, which allows you to better follow your gut. And, often, it’s that pesky gut that knows what’s better for us than our brain. As Meghan shares, “I just knew he was a risk I’d have to take.”

02. Can I trust him?

“Trust is the glue of life,” writes Stephen Covey, author of the bestselling book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. “It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” I have found this wisdom to be true in the workplace, when buying cars, dating picking a guy, and even when writing relationship articles—and it was certainly true among the women who were deciding which man to date.

While the actual word trust wasn’t nearly as prolific in my discussions with these women as the word attraction, it’s clear that the women made their choices based upon whether they trusted one man over the other, dating picking a guy. This came up most often when the decision dating picking a guy between old rekindled flames vs. the new guy in town.

Take Tracey’s story. Her ex-boyfriend came back and decided he wanted to be with her, having broken up with her only months before. Of course, he did this at the exact same time she started dating another guy. “At first, I had lingering doubts . . but I basically asked [my ex-boyfriend] point-blank if any of the issues we had previously would be gone, and he said he couldn’t guarantee dating picking a guy, so I decided [that it was] better to try something new than go back to what I had already done before.” Turns out that she made the right decision. Guy number two is now her husband and the father of her two children.

Michelle has a similar story. After dating her ex for five years, it didn’t seem dating chat rooms free he was ever going to pop the question. “He had such a phobia about marriage, and it drove me nuts. He kept saying we could be together but not have to marry and have a title.” But because she did want marriage, she broke it off with him. A few weeks later, she started dating another man she knew from her childhood. After several months, her ex-boyfriend of five years found out, and begged that she come back and promised that he now wanted to get married. But according to Michelle, the trust was broken. The man she had only started dating a few months ago had already demonstrated far more reliability and dependability than the other guy had shown in five years.

. . but what if you make the wrong decision?

When I had to choose between the longtime friend and the handsome stranger, I chose wrong. My mistake was that instead of bible verses about relationships and dating myself, I clung to an ideal of whom I thought I should be with—the man I had known longer. I instantly felt regret. Fortunately, I was forgiven by the man who mattered the most to me.

The women I spoke to all agreed that the right choice isn’t necessarily the man who gives the most compliments or matches a checklist or even the guy you’ve known longer.

Claire had decided to stop seeing the guy she was most attracted to because she felt like he wasn’t moving fast enough. “We had been on six dates together, and he still hadn’t kissed me,” Claire shared. “It’s funny because this is New York, and I was always complaining about things going too fast!” Convinced that his lack of physical affection was a bad omen, she decided to go with the guy who made his affections clearer, only to break up months later. But, like me, she got a second chance. “The six-date-still-no-kiss man came back, dating picking a guy, and, well, I just went on my seventh date with him.”

Anna, momo dating site for pc the other hand, decided to choose neither of the men she was torn between, dating picking a guy. “Because I couldn’t make up my mind, I decided that it wasn’t fair to either of them to be with a girl who couldn’t decide between them,” she says. And while this was a hard decision, “an achingly hard decision,” in the end, she believes it was the right one. A month later, with her mind clearer, she found herself thinking more about Brian and reached out and told him as much. After they started seeing each other again, she began to realize that they had only grown in compatibility. “Having that time away from both of them dating picking a guy was able to give me the perspective I needed,” she shares. They’re still dating today.

The best advice we have? Know yourself, and throw out that checklist. No matter what decision you end up making, if dating picking a guy are humble and honest with your love interests, it will all work out in the end.