Ask Ammanda: I caught my husband on a dating site
Last year, I caught my husband on a dating site - actually, it was a swingers' or 'lifestyle' site. At the time, we were recently engaged and (I thought) very happy.
His online profile had a fake name and age and he’d been messaging both men and women explicit photos. He'd also arranged hookups. When I confronted him, he denied it until he realised I’d seen the messages.
He reacted angrily at first, almost blaming me, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, but was later very remorseful. He said he hadn’t met anyone, but he enjoyed the flirting and getting people to hook up. I tried to believe him at the time and as there were no other issues in the relationship, we decided to stay together. We had some relationship counselling, but I didn’t find it very helpful.
Six months later we got married. But now, just under a year into our marriage, I feel increasingly paranoid - constantly checking his phone. I never find anything and I know it’s wrong, but I can’t seem to stop.
I love my husband so much and otherwise our relationship is great. I desperately want to trust him again but I just don’t know how to go about this. We are talking about how I feel and my husband insists he loves me. I just don’t know what to do.
Ammanda says …
I’m not surprised you’re feeling this way. You don’t actually have what you thought you had and that’s a huge shock - it can’t just be set aside and forgotten.
Discovering something like this (quite apart from making sense of it) is highly challenging. But it’s likely that he means it when he tells you he loves you and wants the marriage to work. The problem is that you’re now in completely different places. I can well imagine that he wants to move on from this, whereas you’re looking for answers and reassurance that it won’t happen again. Despite wanting to trust him, you clearly can’t. You look on his phone and find nothing, but the doubts remain.
So firstly, checking his phone is completely pointless. If he wants to continue getting in touch with swingers, he will find a way of doing that. So my recommendation is that you stop policing him and instead, start talking about what happened differently. Understandably, the way you’re both managing things right now is only adding to the problem and perpetuating a cycle of mistrust caught my girlfriend on a dating site resentment. I doubt that’s helping either of you, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, so perhaps it’s time to try something different.
Many, many people have fantasies about what they’d like to do/be/have/say/act upon. Sex is no different. Therapy rooms across the country are filled with clients whose partners have ‘uncovered’ a secret that if left to fester, has the power to destroy what they both so desperately want to keep hold of. The trick is to try and understand what all of this is really about. I’m sorry that couple counselling didn’t help you at the time. Often it does, but sometimes people aren’t quite ready to embark on that journey and maybe that was the case for you. It might be helpful next time around but in the meantime, let’s consider the problem you’re facing with your husband.
From your perspective, the worst scenario might be that he secretly wanted to have multiple partners, run away from your relationship and not care how bereft you were or what happened to you. There – I’ve said what’s probably worrying you most. So now that’s out caught my girlfriend on a dating site the way, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, let’s focus on a more likely scenario. I’ve worked with many couples who faced some sort of ‘finding out all of a sudden’ issue. There is always lots of pain and fear, often accompanied by a sense of betrayal. These are all completely understandable feelings. But caught my girlfriend on a dating site helpful to look beyond these and think about what’s happened in a different way. Many people fantasise about sexual situations. For some, it stays solely in their head. Others dabble a little and take the fantasy to another level. Social media equips people to act on their fantasy and potentially make contact ‘just to see what happens’ in ways that were never possible before. Occasionally they do hook up with others who share similar tastes, and yes, sometimes this does lead to relationships breaking down. Often though, the process of getting in touch with others is to satisfy a nagging concern that they may not be attractive, desirable or even likable. Sometimes too, it inurl:blog leave a comment + free dating sites be about wanting to get in touch with a part of themselves that they think a partner would ridicule or be revolted by. Given that we all grow up with different experiences of sexual knowledge and attitudes, fantasising about stuff can help us get in touch with things that have felt ‘naughty’ or’ forbidden’ or just plain exciting, but about which we may also feel a sense of shame or fear of being shamed. The curious thing about all this is that they often compartmentalise this side of themselves from everything else in their lives, including their partner. It not unusual to find that someone had almost developed a second persona, known only to themselves. This might sound odd but people are - well – complicated and perhaps that’s the first thing that needs acknowledging in this case.
It sounds to me like you’re both stuck on ‘transmit’. You tell him how hurt you’ve been and he reassures you he loves you. Unfortunately though this isn’t reassuring you, so maybe changing the conversation might present some different opportunities. Have you ever actually been curious about what he’s done rather than horrified? That’s a challenging question I know but if you understood a little more about why it seemed important to him, what he felt the experience did for him, you might understand something about your own relationship together and whether you might want to make some changes. Now – for the avoidance of doubt I am not suggesting that you put aside your sense of mistrust, join facebook dating app on desktop swingers’ club or even forgive him. But I am inviting you to think together about how you connect sexually and emotionally, instead of rehashing the actual events. This would be much bigger conversation and would potentially help both of you to adjust how you want to approach and make sense of what’s happened.
I am struck by your comment that apart from this everything in the relationship is great. To be honest, I do find that quite hard to believe because what is central to everything is your lack of trust, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. Relationships can’t function healthily where one partner is constantly on red alert about what their other half is up to. You say it yourself, fijian best dating sites paranoia you feel now can’t be assuaged by his reassurances and that’s because something very fundamental has been ruptured. This can only begin to recover if you start sharing things at a deeper level. This won’t be an easy task. I’m sure that you simply wish that he’d never done it and things were just as you had always thought them to be. Yes, you can continue to check his phone but eventually, this will reduce you both to a frazzle. Instead, this really needs to be a joint enterprise to work out if there are areas in your own relationship that need attention. Only you can decide if you’re going to trust him again and he has to earn that trust from you. He didn’t do anything illegal but he did engage in something that although felt very exciting (and for many people a harmless and engaging pursuit), it nonetheless left you feeling betrayed and lied to. No one made him do this. I suspect he took the approach that what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you. Quite possibly he thought of it as harmless fun and in some situations that’s all it is – but not when the result is lies within a committed relationship. I also think that although he denies it, you’re also left with the nagging doubt that had you not discovered the photos, he might have actually met up with someone.
All of this needs talking about together. Now, potentially, you might discover that he can’t live his life without connecting to other people sexually. Some couples can work this out, but in my experience it nearly always ends in tears for one of them. I say this because I’m encouraging you to ‘dig deep’ and understand your relationship better and that does, undoubtedly come with a risk that you find something that you can’t live with. Then you will have big decisions to make. Having said that though, many people have a dabble and having done so, find that other things are more important. I suspect this is where your husband is at now.
So, you have some choices here. You can go on phone checking which will wear you down and exhaust you or work on this from the angle I’ve suggested. It won’t be easy, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, but you tell me you love each other very much and that is often a sure-fire winner to getting through tough conversations.
Ammanda Major is a Relationship Counsellor and Sex Therapist and Head of Clinical Practice at Relate.
If you have a relationship worry you would like some help with, please send it to askammanda@relate.org.uk*
Your problem will be posted online, but all communications will maintain anonymity and confidentiality.
*Ammanda is not able to reply individually to every email we receive, so please see our relationship help pages for further support.
In today’s world, it’s no secret that apps like Bumble make it super easy and convenient to find potential dating partners. All it takes is a simple swipe right, and you could be matched instantly!
But what if you find out that someone you’re already dating has a profile on one of these apps? That can certainly be overwhelming and difficult to process, and it’s definitely normal to feel a bit unsure of how to handle such a discovery!
To start, it’s important to acknowledge how you discovered your partner was on a dating app. Were you yourself swiping for new matches when you came across their profile? If you think it’s okay for you to look for someone new but aren’t okay with your partner doing so, that isn’t really fair. Holding yourself to a different set of rules caught my girlfriend on a dating site you’re holding your partner to can also be a red flag for abuse, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. Did you go through your partner’s phone or their computer to see what they were doing?
Did you set up a fake profile to catfish your partner as a way to catch them in the act? Setting traps or tests for your partner really isn’t a healthy way to deal with conflict either, since it uses dishonesty to further break down trust rather than using open, honest communication to build it up and address the real issues.
If you used unhealthy methods such as these to catch your partner on these apps, be prepared to own up to and address your own behavior when confronting your partner.
Regardless of how you found out, learning that your partner is potentially looking for someone else can really sting! If you make this discovery, it can help to have a chat with your partner about what the boundaries of the relationship are or should be. If you haven’t already defined the terms of your relationship, this might be a sign that it’s time to have that conversation. Do you two want to casually date and still be able to meet other people? Or do you want a more committed and monogamous relationship? If you have both already agreed to be in an exclusive relationship, you may see looking for a new partner as a clear violation of those boundaries.
It is definitely okay to respectfully bring up your discovery, address your concerns with your partner and revisit what you both want your relationship to look like moving forward. These kinds of conversations can be difficult and even daunting sometimes, but they can really help both partners understand what the other is wanting from the relationship. Conflict doesn’t always have to be bad, either! In fact, handling disagreements in a healthy way might actually bring you and your partner closer.
Ask yourself how you see your relationship moving forward from this discovery.
If your partner admits to being on these apps, it is okay to share your concerns around that and ask them to delete their profile(s). However, it would be unhealthy and controlling to demand that a partner delete dating profiles/apps or make them show you their phone regularly to “prove” they are being faithful.
Even if you discover that your partner used these apps to cheat on you, it’s not okay to control or monitor them in any way, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. You can’t control your partner’s actions; you can only control your own.
When we decide to trust our partner, we choose to have faith that they are honoring the boundaries of our relationship—even if they have broken them in the past. Trust is essential for any relationship to be healthy, so if you can’t trust your partner, it might not be the right time for the two of you to be in a relationship.
You always have a right to your thoughts and feelings, and if you feel like your partner being on dating apps is something you’re just not comfortable with, you might want to ask yourself if this relationship is right for you.
And of course, our love is respect advocates are here to talk the situation through with you 24/7.
What to do if you find your partner on a dating app
Imagine the following scenario: you’re with your best mate, swiping through a dating app on their behalf.
Because even though you are in a relationship, that doesn’t mean you don’t like to window shop, as well as make sure your friend ends up with someone kind and funny that you can double-date with.
And then there it is: your partner’s dating eastern europe girls, glaring up at you with his/her best ‘come-hither’ look in a profile that clearly states ‘I’m available’.
Before you let the panic set in, there’s one very important factor to determine: is this a new or updated profile, or just remnants from a former single life? Most dating apps will keep your profile in their system even if you delete the app itself, so this could very well be the case.
However, if there are new photos – like one from the group holiday to Ibiza that you both went on a month earlier – then it’s likely an active profile.
Once you’ve determined this is indeed the case, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, you have limited options on how to proceed.
‘Dating apps can be a minefield, but it’s important to remember that the majority of singles in the UK have at least one profile,’ relationship experts at JigTalk, a new dating app, tell Metro.co.uk.
‘If you find your partner on one, before reacting, think rationally – could it be an old profile that your partner never got round to deactivating perhaps?
‘If you think that’s the caught my girlfriend on a dating site, let them know it has upset you – their reaction should tell you everything you need to know about the seriousness of your relationship.’
You could ask them to delete it.
After all, if they are happy in your relationship, why do they need to keep an inactive profile on an app designed to help people find love?
‘If you’re adamant it’s live or they refuse to delete the account, then take it as a sign that your relationship isn’t meant to be,’ JigTalk experts said.
‘If they are looking elsewhere then clearly they don’t have the maturity or respect for you that they should have or that you deserve.
‘Confront them, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, and see what they have to say, but if your gut is telling you something is wrong, then it probably is. It’s time to get rid of them, and fast!’
Relationships aren’t black and white, and breaking up is not the only solution to this scenario.
Ask your partner if there is a specific reason as to why they are still on the app – it’s worth discussing before you cut the cord.
Before you sit down with them, take a breath and collect your thoughts, Dr Becky Spelman, a psychologist and relationship expert at We-Vibe, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘If you find your partner’s profile on a dating app and if you have a particularly strong emotional reaction, wait until your emotions have reduced before you approach the topic, try not to make assumptions about the situation until you give them the opportunity to explain,’ she said.
‘When you do approach the topic with them, start with a positive statement which is true such as “I really care about you and this is why I am bringing this topic up, I have learned that you have a profile on a dating app and this upset me, I am wondering if there is an explanation as to why the profile is there?”.
‘Who knows, it might be from before the relationship or there may be another reason, which isn’t as bad as what you think.
‘During this conversation ask for what you need, “I need you to remove this profile and promise that you leave all dating sites”.
‘After the conversation, check in on your feelings, how did your partner make you feel in that conversation, loved, valued and respected or something else?
‘If you still don’t feel right about things and your partner’s behaviour consistently triggers you to feel upset, then you have every right to consider leaving that relationship and this might be the healthiest choice for you.’
More: Sex
Everyone has different limits when it comes to emotional cheating and some only consider it to be cheating if free local dating without payment person acts on it.
For instance, some people are OK with flirting, others are not. There are also couples who indulge in fantasies where this type of behaviour could be a turn-on, if you’re both on the same page and aware of what’s happening.
It’s important to talk about where you draw the line, before you settle down with a partner.
Should you find yourself in a situation where you do not feel comfortable or where your significant other is disrespecting you and your relationship, then it’s time to talk – or walk away.
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Help, My Girlfriend Found My Tinder Account and Now She Wants To Break Up
Hi Dr NerdLove
My girlfriend and I have been together for over six months. We met on Tinder.
This morning we were having some friendly banter about how some guys were sliding in her DMs over her latest Instagram story post. To cut a long story short she was telling me how guys would continue to do this sometimes for over a year before getting the matured dating sites that they had no chance with her. At which point I recounted my own examples of getting zero responses from Tinder matches until months later, and how refreshing it was when I matched with my now girlfriend at how easily the conversation flowed instantly.
At which point my girlfriend re-downloaded Tinder to her phone to reminisce over our initial conversations. She’d always told me how she only downloaded Tinder initially to help her sister see if her then boyfriend was cheating on her (turns out he was). My girlfriend insists she matched with me by mistake (I super-liked her) because she’d never used the app before and didn’t know how it worked. But ultimately it didn’t matter, we exchanged details and the rest is history.
However she then asked me to re-download Tinder to my phone. I thought nothing of it and obliged. She grabbed the phone off me and straight away went to my messages. There was no conversations since I matched with her, but three matches in the weeks after we matched with each other, none of which I messaged, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. I matched with my now girlfriend in December and deleted the Tinder app some time in January.
My girlfriend has not reacted well. She’s accusing me of not taking things seriously during those first few weeks of dating and disrespecting her, questioning why I would be still swiping girls profiles. I don’t recall when I stopped swiping, in fact those subsequent matches may have occurred weeks after I initially swiped (as often used to happen). I have tried to reassure her that it means nothing, that there was no chatting or flirting with anyone else after the time we met each other. I never messaged or flirted with anyone, either on Tinder or any other dating app, any social online media or in real person.
But I am 37 years old and have been stung before by going “all into” relationships very early on, so if I am guilty of anything it would be having the fear that dating this girl might go nowhere and if I do things symbolically to show my long term commitment in those first few weeks of dating, that it would jinx the relationship.
My girlfriend is 24 and never really had a proper serious relationship before (she was a virgin when we met). She is from the Balkans in Eastern Europe and I am from the UK. We are generations and cultures apart and I don’t think she understands how the dating world works in my culture.
She wants to break up with me over this. I can’t convince her otherwise. I don’t feel culpable of anything, certainly to warrant ending the relationship now! Ultimately I think it’s a culture clash that I can’t get her to understand. In her culture she would expect us to have been at least engaged by now, and if it hadn’t been for covid-19 lockdown restrictions, I probably would have been engagement ring hunting. We have been through quite a bit in such a short space of time (including being locked down together because of coronavirus restrictions), but I have been in no doubt that she is the one for me and am fully committed and loyal to her and have caught my girlfriend on a dating site for months.
I’m at a loss at what to do as I thought this girl was really going to be the girl I would spend the rest of my life with. I really don’t feel like I’m in the wrong or deserved to be judged. Maybe I am wrong and if I am, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, I would appreciate the help into understanding and why caught my girlfriend on a dating site what I should do about it.
Many thanks,
Tinder Toss-Up
I realize that you’re asking me how to save this relationship TTU but frankly? I think breaking up with her might not be the worst idea.
There’s a lot going on here that’s worth digging into, but let’s start with something basic: you aren’t responsible for your girlfriend’s expectation that you were exclusive before you both agreed to it. If you’ll forgive an incredibly strained metaphor: a relationship is like Tinder. It’s double-opt-in; if you both don’t agree to it, then you’re not in one. The fact that your girlfriend made assumptions based on her expectations without apparently bothering to consult you is not your responsibility. Her assumption of how this relationship was going to work is on her, especially if she didn’t bother to actually discuss things with you beforehand. This is why it’s important that couples have a Defining The Relationship talk — or, better, series of talks — where you both lay out exactly what you expect and how you see this relationship going. You want to actually sit down and discuss, in great detail, exactly what “being in a relationship” means, from time spent together vs. apart, to expectations around monogamy, to what is or isn’t considered cheating, even things like sexual frequency, kink and your stances on birth control and abortion. The more the two of you talk it out, the more you can be assured that you’re both on the same page; not having these conversations is how someone gets surprised and hurt. Building a relationship on assumptions — as you and your girlfriend are discovering — is a profoundly bad idea.
And while I know there are plenty of people who will caught my girlfriend on a dating site that you should be able to assume some things because of cultural expectations… you really can’t. First, culture is highly granular and variable; what’s common in Seattle isn’t necessarily caught my girlfriend on a dating site to be norm in Twisp. When you branch out further — say, the UK and the Balkans — then the differences are going to be more profound. You can’t take the overlap of values and expectations for granted. But just as importantly… even if we lived in a monoculture, people are different. Some people are monogamous; some aren’t. Some people think cheating is strictly about penetration; some think (wrongly) that so much as having female friends counts as infidelity. Assuming that you know how this is supposed to work without talking to them is how you end up in a lot of fights.
However, there’s more to discuss here than the fact that you two should’ve had that DTR conversation. Let’s start with her grabbing your phone and going through your account. This is a pretty good indicator of a future problem: the lack of boundaries. Her not saying “hey, can I see”, not waiting for you to show her, just YOINK followed by “hey yo what the fuck”? The fact that she a) grabbed your phone and started to go through without asking or permission and b) immediately leaped to assuming the worst are all signs of what you could look forward to if the two of you stay together. The fact that she’s from another culture doesn’t justify her yelling at you like this. The fact that she’s threatening to blow up your relationship over having not immediately deleting the app after meeting her is a pretty good clue of any and all fights in the future — and you will fight in the future — will go.
And then there’s the fact that you two have only been dating for six months and you were already considering going ring shopping. That’s a not just no but HELL no. Look, my dude, I appreciate that you are (or were, anyway) excited by this relationship. She’s young, she’s hot, it’s clearly a passionate connection. But at six months, you’re not even out of the honeymoon stage, never mind in a place where you know enough about your partner to know that you would want to actually get married. You’re still very much at the point of your relationship where you’re both getting high from the dopamine and oxytocin that comes with the thrill of the new. And while you may have gone through a lot in a short amount of time, it’s pretty clear that there’s a lot you didn’t know about her — things that are kind of critical if you’re going to pursue a long-term relationship. And I don’t mean things like “where did she go to high-school” and “what are her long-term goals for her career”, I mean things like “how does she handle conflict” and “is she going to go from zero to HOW FUCKING DARE YOU at the drop of a hat”?
I mean shit dude, you two were barely together for three months before the world started going into lockdown. Being forced into close quarters like this is going to stress-test your relationship and you’ve just discovered that yours has some pretty significant cracks. Ones that you really shouldn’t be ignoring or writing off. Because you’re right: you didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. The fact that caught my girlfriend on a dating site questioning this is worrisome; you’re buying far more into the idea that you’ve fucked up somehow than recognizing that the way she’s acting is caught my girlfriend on a dating site in a way, she’s right: this is worth ending the relationship over. Not because you did something wrong but because the way she is behaving and treating you is the equivalent of all of the computer screens giving giant flashing red warning signs while the red-alert siren blares.
I get that you like her. I get that you’re enthralled by her. But all of this? This is just the prelude to what’s going to happen further down the line. It may hurt now and it may feel awful but the fact of the matter is that you are goddamn lucky to find this out now and not later on when it’ll be much harder to leave the relationship quickly and cleanly.
Take the escape route you’ve been given and get the hell out of this relationship, TTU. The only way for things to go from here is down.
Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.
Dear Doc,
I’m a 30 year old cis woman, married to a 32 year cis man. I am of average size (not fat but not skinny), and my husband is pretty overweight. He has been this way for the entire time I have known him.
Recently, my husband has decided that he needs to get his health in order and get down to a healthy weight. He has asked me to diet and exercise along with him for moral support, which I’ve happily been doing. He’s already lost a few pounds.
The problem is I constantly worry that I will no longer find him attractive when he is thin. I know that’s horrible of me, and I certainly don’t want him to stay unhealthy. I also don’t consider myself a “chubby chaser” or anything. It’s just that this is how he looked when I fell in love with him, and I still find him incredibly sexy.
I haven’t said a word of this to him because I’m pretty sure it would hurt his feelings. I feel selfish and heartless for having these thoughts. Obviously he is doing a good thing, and it’s certainly possible that I will find him even more attractive when he is thin.
I just can’t stop feeling like he’s changing into a different person than the one I fell in love with. Am I wrong for feeling this way? How do I reconcile these feelings so I can put them behind me?
Skin and Bones
Y’know, it’s interesting. More often than not, when I get a letter like this, the letter-writer is in the opposite position; their partner is starting to put on weight and the writer is increasingly turned off by it. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a letter from someone worrying that their partner would be less attractive because they lost weight.
Let this be a reminder folks: people love all kinds of body types, shapes and sizes.
Now let’s talk about your situation, SAB. This is a classic case of borrowing trouble from the future; it’s not that you are finding that you’re less attracted to him, it’s that you’re worried you might be. That’s something that’s worth interrogating and really digging into.
One of the things I teach people about attraction is that attraction is a holistic feeling; it’s very rarely about any one feature or attribute a person has but the sum totality. Occasionally that attraction is triggered by a particular attribute — their build, their voice, the way they make you laugh and so on — but the more we get to know somebody, the more we become attracted to them because they’re them, specifically. And it’s understandable that we tend to have a mental image of who they are — the way you picture them when you think about them. Changes that affect that mental image, including weight loss, weight gain, hair color, style, etc., can be a little jarring at first. The larger the difference between the person and your mental idea of them, the more dissonant it can be; that can create a certain amount of incongruence as you try to reconcile your previous image of them with the version that you see in front of you.
(This, incidentally, is one of the ways that people get out of The Friend Zone1 — they functionally hit the reset button on how their partner sees them… often because they’ve been out of contact for long periods of time.)
At the same time, we are always changing; time is the force that makes fools of us all, and it inevitably changes the topology of our bodies and souls. Our skin wrinkles and sags, our hair changes… we all become someone different over time. But one of the benefits of the mental snapshot we carry in our heads is that it is part what enables us to see who they were in who they are now. We may know intellectually that our partner has smile lines and crows-feet where they had perfectly smooth top asian dating site before, that their hair has more gray in it than when we met… but when we look at them, we still see that person that we fell in love with so long ago.
I think part of what you’re worried about is that you’re anticipating a sudden and possibly extreme change; that your husband will go from someone who looks like a hug to someone entirely different. But the odds of that are unlikely at best. One of the truths about weight loss that we don’t like to talk about is that there’s ultimately only so much you can do without resorting to extreme measures… and the more extreme the change, the harder it is to maintain. The odds that your husband is going to go from big and lovably burly to shredded and skinny are minimal; what’s more likely is that he’s going to pics of women from dating sites a certain amount of weight and plateau. He’ll look like himself, just a version that fits into smaller clothes. Depending on the way he’s working at losing weight, he may end up shifting the mass around — losing fat and putting on muscle instead — but he’ll still be pretty recognizably him.
And just as importantly is that, unless he turns to disordered eating or a crash diet, the change will be noticeable but gradual. The safest and most sustainable way to lose caught my girlfriend on a dating site is to aim to lose approximately one to two pounds per week. While that adds up over time, it’s going to take a little time before it’s something you’ll see immediately. Your image of him is going to adjust and adapt because you’re there with him through it all. Just as you don’t notice the slow encroachment of time right away, so it’ll be with his weight loss. You’ll be able to tell that he’s lost some weight, but he’s not going to look night-and-day different until you compare before and after photos.
But like I said: it’s not just his weight that you love, it’s all of him — his smell, the timbre of his voice, the jokes he tells, the ways his eyes narrow when he concentrates. He may wear different sized clothes, but he’s still the same man. I think you’re going to find that your fears dating men with no friends just irrational anxieties, and the truth of the situation is that you’ll still love him just as much.
There’ll just be a little less of him, is all.
Good luck.
- standard disclaimer: there is no Friend Zone; there are only people who don’t want to sleep with you or date you [↩]
For better or for worse, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, nearly everyone's meeting their partners on dating apps these days. Who truly wants to go outside to find people?
While the convenience of meeting potential mates from your couch is great and all, it also means there's the chance that your current fling could be chatting with other women or men on Tinder while they're sitting right next to you. Here, 11 women open up about what it was like to discover their partners were on dating caught my girlfriend on a dating site noticedmy boyfriend of three years becoming distant and not being as open with me as he normally was. Fast forward a few nights.a girl messaged me on Twitter saying she saw my boyfriend on Tinder and he had been pursuing her on Facebook messenger. She sent me the pictures of the profile/messages. He had been spelling his name differently so I wouldn't be able to find him. I confronted him by phone call (because I couldn’t stand to see his caught my girlfriend on a dating site at the moment) and he started crying saying he didn’t know why he’d done what he’d done. I immediately ended that relationship and learned a lot about myself and others that day." —Savannah T., 19
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2."I was in a 6.5 year 'exclusive' relationship with a man who spent the entire duration of it on dating apps. He never really hid what he was doing from me, but he told me at the time he’d never meet up with anyone for real and all guys did this sort of thing. One day I created a fake account to try to find him and saw him on there right away. His profile was full of photos that I'd taken of him. Later on, I caught him on a sugar baby site—which was bold considering that up until his mid-20s, he'd been living with his parents. It took me a few years but I finally realized I was worth more. When our lease ended, I moved out to live alone and he moved back in with his parents again." —Skylar R., 26
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3. "I noticed my boyfriend was getting notifications from the OKCupid app, and the curiosity was driving me crazy. I snuck into his phone when he was in the shower and found all these girls he was talking to. The weird part was that he opened all of his conversations by asking "cake or pie?" as an icebreaker. I was furious but held it to myself until later that night. We were at dinner with a group of friends, and it got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. At the end of dinner, I looked him in the eye and asked him if he preferred cake or pie. He knew he was caught and I ended things that night!" —Sarah P., caught my girlfriend on a dating site, 26
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4. "I had a feeling he was on Tinder again (we had deleted our accounts in front of each other when we started dating exclusively) since he had been distant all week with me, so I created a fake account kind to see if he was on there, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. I matched with him within minutes but didn't send him a message. I confronted him the next day on the phone and told him I knew about his Tinder account. I didn’t tell him I made a fake one—just that a friend showed me it. He claimed he just made it a few days ago (as if that was okay?!) and that he never cheated on me. Within seconds of us breaking up on the phone, he messaged my catfish account with a corny GIF of him sliding into this fake girl's DMs." —Amy W., 23
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5. "One of my exes thought it was a good idea to have his Instagram connected to his Tinder. A girl had matched with him, found me tagged in one of his pictures, and DMed me with screenshots. I confronted him and he claimed he was just on there caught my girlfriend on a dating site the Instagram followers, which was a lie because he ended up dating a girl from Tinder after we broke up. The thing is, I would've been down for an open relationship or even breaking up if he had just said so. I'm just not about shady activity—so I ended things." —Maria M., 22
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6. "A friend sent me a screenshot of boyfriend's Tinder profile while I was at home taking care of his sick child. At the time, I was about to move in with him. She said that he'd been messaging her and trying to hook up. I waited for him to come home and asked him about it, and he denied it. When I asked him to show me his phone, he finally admitted it to me. We then broke up, and he moved to another state." —Catherine N., 28
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7. "I was getting out of the shower at my boyfriend’s house when a friend sent me a screenshot showing him being active on Tinder as I was in the shower. I walked out of the bathroom and confronted him about it and he denied it. He said he and a (married) coworker had downloaded it as a joke to see who could get the most matches in one day but he hadn’t touched it since. When I brought up how the screenshot showed him active on it a few minutes ago and asked to see his phone, he deadass tried to swipe it off his screen right in front of my face! Moral of the story: we love girls who help out other girls!" —Kay C., 25
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8. "My neighbor was on eHarmony and saw my girlfriend on there. I would periodically check if she was active (which she was, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, nearly every day) for a month until I finally confronted her. She told me it was an old account and she'd only recently logged on to 'delete it.' I had caught my girlfriend on a dating site inkling she was looking for other partners and would have never known if my neighbor didn’t see it! We broke up, which was for the best!" —Isabella P., 24
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9. "I became suspicious when I received a few texts from a friend of mine saying that he had seen my boyfriend out with other girls. Conveniently, my boyfriend was sleeping when I received the texts, so I decided to check his phone. He had every dating app downloaded and was Snapchat messaging a girl named, “Mandy Bumble.” When I told him we were over, he legitimately tried telling me that caught my girlfriend on a dating site was a friend from work and her last name was actually ‘BUMBLE.’" —Brooke B., 29
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10. "I'd been seeing a guy for three months, and while we hadn't had the 'exclusive' talk yet, caught my girlfriend on a dating site saw each other multiple times a week and it was pretty obvious we were an item at that point. One morning after I slept over and was lying on his chest, he woke up and checked his phone. Almost out of habit, the FIRST app he opened was Tinder. He realized what he did and closed the app really quickly. Neither of us said anything at the time. Things were awkward between us after that and later that week, he told me he didn’t want to be exclusive (which I figured at that point). I ended things with him after that." —Rose H., 20
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11. "I didn’t catch my boyfriend on apps—I caught him talking to girls through his PlayStation messenger. I don't think enough girls are aware of this possibility. I sure had no idea it was possible until I decided to dive deep and follow my instincts. I just knew something was up! Hot tip: You can also access the internet through PlayStation and my idiot BF (and probably most men) stayed logged into FB where I found even more scandalous messages." —Margarita M., 27
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Quotes have been lightly edited for clarity.
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Carina HsiehSex & Relationships EditorCarina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon caught my girlfriend on a dating site This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more caught my girlfriend on a dating site about this and similar content at piano.io
Can you check on a cheating spouse
How do I find out if he is signed up for online dating sites?
He lies about friends on Facebook. Women whom he says he went to school with are strangers that he has been talking dirty to
It seems you already have your answer that something untoward is happening. If he is talking dirty to strangers online, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, then he is up to something deceitful. At this point, you need to determine what you are going to do about it and if this relationship can be repaired.
Free site for find what social media he belongs to?
How can I find out what social media groups my husband belongs to without him finding out for free
There is a free online search tool at Social Searcher that will allow you to see all web mentions, news blogs, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, forums and comments including Twitter, Facebook, and WhatsApp. However, this site might be just as good as using Google to find out information about him. If you caught my girlfriend on a dating site his name into the Google search engine, you should be able to see what social media belongs to on Facebook, Twitter, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, and Instagram. Remember, if he is using a caught my girlfriend on a dating site name, you may not be able to see any information about what social media he belongs to, unless, by chance, you happen to know what his social media alias is.
I think my girlfriend is cheating, but I cannot prove it. How can I find what social media accounts belong to her using her name and cell?
My girlfriend cheated a while ago, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, but I still do not fully trust her. I cannot get into any of her social media accounts because everything is private and I'm positive that she has accounts that she shouldn't. Other than stealing her phone for the day, how can I see what she is doing when I'm not around? Your article doesn't apply to catch a cheater. I'm not looking for her public records such as address and phone listing. I need more in depth info regarding her social media accounts. I have tried: I have asked her, looked into hiring a private investigator, keylogger tricks to gain access to her email, made up fake social media account to search for her specifically, made fake online dating profiles, scrolled through all of her Facebook pics and looked at all comments and likes of every pic. I have been at it for about a year [mens camp] - compensated dating school boys with no luck. I think it was caused by: We were fighting a lot about money, and she went and found sex
Be careful because people can become so obsessed with finding the truth that they end up pushing the other person away. She was wrong to cheat on you, and it will take some time to rebuild trust. Just don't go overboard trying to prove still she is cheating. At that point, you may as well break up with her and save yourself a lot of wasted money searching for empty truth. You could also attempt to see her internet traffic by installing a packet sniffing tool such as Wireshark on your home network. With a little bit of fiddling, you'll be able to see what connected devices are doing.
I would like to find out if my husband is still cheating on me?
He is always hanging on his phone, sleeps with it, lies and says it's the wrong number, or he won't answer it and lets it go to voicemail. Please help, this has been going on for 10 years, he has done it before, and I caught him. I believe he is still cheating and is on dating sites.
OK, so my husband rarely answers his phone yet sleeps with it by the bed in the event of an emergency while we are sleeping, though we don't have a landline at our house. Since this has been happening for 10 years, it is now a habit or pattern or character trait. Since you have serious suspicions, perhaps you should attempt to have a look at his device by either asking or secretly. You may be surprised to learn that he just does not like speaking on the phone, and nothing else is wrong. If you want absolute proof, you may want to consider hiring a reputable private investigator.
The above questions are from the following wiki: Can you check on a cheating spouse
More questions and answers
I believe she has been on dating sites or sending pics?
Possibly Tinder or Craigslist. I am trying to figure out if she has been posting stuff or emailing to anyone. I have tried: Searching and downloading as many apps as possible, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. I think it was caused by: I believe she is cheating, found random pics and the map and history is wiped clean
If you suspect there are issues in your relationship, ask her outright about what's troubling you. Aside from monitoring her behavior, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, ask to see her device. If she has nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a major issue. As mentioned above, installing a packet sniffing tool and learning how to interpret the logs is an excellent way to see what someone is doing while connected to your home network.
How can I check my personal email to find out what the forgotten website subscriptions?
I want to run a check on my own personal email to find out where I am subscribed so that I can delete those accounts. I want to run a check on myself, not on my boyfriend or husband.
You can use one of the programs mentioned in the article or type Subscribe in the search box of your email program. You may find some there which you forgot about sitting in Spam.
How do I connect to my boy's hidden chat profiles on Instagram, and Facebook?
Can I see hidden or things my boyfriend has blocked me from seeing on his Facebook, and Instagram and all other information he might have hidden from me.
What makes you think he is using custom settings to keep you out of seeing all his posts? If you distrust him this much, then don't stay in the relationship. He may not even be hiding things on social media from you. What he can't protect is what others tag him in or comment on his posts so if you are suspicious, start going through his profiles. With a little effort and some patience, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, you might find something.
Yes I'm just scared we used to share a Facebook and had our own Instagram that we could both get into each other's but now he is making me take his Instagram off of my phone I don't know what to do, but I want to know if he is cheating?
I'm very scared we are married have two baby boys, and now he's getting sneaky won't let me go through his phone like he used to and it feels like he's hiding something what I really want to find out is if he is cheating on me as he has tried before but Caught my girlfriend on a dating site caught on very quickly and put a stop to it I'm so scared and need help desperately. I would like to know if he is actually cheating not if he has a social media I don't know about.
If you must have a definitive answer, you can always consider hiring a private investigator to watch your husband. You could also use a parental monitoring tool like Circle with Disney. In your case, you can tell your husband that it's for when your two boys are old enough to use devices that connect to the internet. With a device like this installed at home, you' also be able to see sites your husband visits when he's connected to your home WiFi, caught my girlfriend on a dating site.
I found Craigslist, Tinder, and POF in my husband's history and he says it's not his?
How can I find out if it's him? He deleted his history on Google, but I found it before on his iPhone. I need to find out the truth, the evidence will speak for itself, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. I have tried: Looked up Google history and found visited pages Tinder, POF, and Craigslist. I think it was caused by: He's a cheater and hasn't stopped so I please need help!
In your situation, the only way to see what sites your boyfriend is browsing is by using a network analyzer (packet sniffing) on your home internet. If you live together, setting it up undetected could require a little creativity on your part. Once up and running, a quality packet sniffer can give you detailed information about the devices connected to your network. You'd be able to see what sites are being visited from any device using your home internet.
I suspect my partner is cheating for caught my girlfriend on a dating site while now, but she denies it?
I have picked up a few messages on her Facebook referring to "I have read your profile and am looking for my soul mate" also " a message referring to actually having found her good & desirable". All the messages have been sent from a mobile number, caught my girlfriend on a dating site, and it states in gray at the bottom of the message, that "you cannot respond to the sender". There is no communication from her side?. There are other strange behaviors which could be relevant, yet which she frankly denies any cheating. The trusts dwindling and if the relationship is over due to the trust issue.fine, but I just want to know for certain? I am based in Cape Town, South Africa and cannot register for the various "tools" on offer to validate or dismiss my concerns? I have tried: checking basic SMS's, photos & videos(of which there were some strange receipts that did not make sense, and these were all received at strange hours). I think it was caused by: I think that she is playing me on the back of her being known as a very decent and caring person, yet she has been divorced twice and I have seen a 'gold digging' tendency in her character
It sounds like you do not trust her and have issues with her character so why move the relationship forward? Also, women get blasted by men all the time on social media regarding messages like that. If she is not replying that is good, and since you can't reply to them, it means that she blocked the people from further contact. Give her some time to prove to you that she can be trusted and then make a final determination about whether to continue in the relationship.
Can you help me expose this guy to his real girlfriend?
He's sneaking around behind her back, and using a fake account to help his lust, it's sick.
This will not end the way you want it to. If he is cheating on her with you, then end the relationship. If this is someone you know, then find that profile and tell her but realize that now puts you in the middle of their battle.
How to find out the details of my husbands two phones, any online sites, and his location. I suspect him cheating?
He is a long haul truck driver that has an employer phone given to him along with his personal phone. I am not computer smart and have tried to open files with no success. I do have access to his personal Android phone, that has been wiped clean as far as I know. I was dating a guy and he disappeared have also tried to go on sites and pay with a purchased credit card, but online dating attractiveness sites will take the card I purchased b/c it's not a debit card like Naked selfie real dating thought, would you suggest a card?
Unless your husband caught my girlfriend on a dating site his phones over to you to be looked over, there is not much you can do in terms of his device. If you have access to his phone, do a thorough check for archived messages or photos that may have been shared.
How to find my boyfriends profiles that he has set up under other numbers or names?
My boyfriend is always online, and women are texting his other phone from all over the world and sending naked pics.he says he hasn't been on any of the websites talking to women in 3 months. But they text and they will stop for a while and then start back, and it's always when he's been out of town and comes back that the text start again. I know he's talking to other women I just don't know how to get the proof I need caught my girlfriend on a dating site that I can know for sure he's been lying to me so I can leave him alone.he says I am making all of it up, and it's all in my head.and I can't prove otherwise.please help I know he has profiles I know nothing about, and he is very confident that I won't find them. I am not very smart with computers I know the basics but not enough to know what sites I need to go to and what various information I need to put in if he's got the profiles disguised. I have tried: Facebook under his first and last name and his middle and last name other sites I've been looking for his picture. I think it was caused by: I think it's something he's always done because he gets a thrill out of being sneaky and getting away with it.he has no concern for how it makes me feel it's like a catch me if you can game to him
As mentioned above, one good way to see if your boyfriend is on other social media sites is to perform a reverse image search on Google Images. Search any image of him that you suspect he might use for an online profile.
I want to prosecute him for identity theft and mental abuse if I can prove this?
Do I prove it is him when he uses my Google accounts and makes new ones I'm not aware of. My husband has left me for these hookup sites he has lied to me and everyone else about him using them he is saying it's me when I questioned him he got violent destroyed our home smashing everything it just won't caught my girlfriend on a dating site I have PFA and he put one on me saying I'm mentally abusing him with these sites I tried to hurt myself I couldn't believe he would do this after 26 years
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I need to know if there is a way to do a social media search on my spouse that is really free and hidden fees doesn't pop up?
I believe my husband may be having an online affair but I'm not sure and I really need to find out. This is driving me crazy. I am out of work at the time and can't afford to pay to do a search. But he takes his phone with him everywhere in the house and he has notiffications coming in at really late hours of the night. I have seen a lot of messages on hiis Gmail from dating sites and I have even checked them out. They are being sent to the same name on his Gmail that he has on the dating site. He only says its not him and he gets very upset. I have looked at his Facebook friends and thrers no random females he's friends with. But under his friends list none of these females are marked his friends.But I have clicked on several of their profiles and it shows him as their friend. He also has some of them on his messenger and he is mutual friends with them and he is under a group chat. I seen no messages from him but I have seen where they are sending them to him, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. I just want to know the truth. Me and my husband were highschool sweethearts and we lost contact for 23years. But caught my girlfriend on a dating site 4 years ago I started searching for him on Facebook. I found him and we started talking again. Two months later he asked me on the phone if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I said yes, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. He traveled over 600 miles to be with me and then we got married and everything was perfect. Caught my girlfriend on a dating site one day I was looking at his phone and seen on his Gmail a messege sent to him from another woman. It showed where he had been messeging her and sending her his picture. So I called him at work and ask him about it. He rushed home as fast as he could and he was about in tears when he got home swearing it wasnt him. I just thought maybe someone stole his identity, caught my girlfriend on a dating site. So I let it go. After that was when we starting arguing and things started changing. I just want to know the truth. The funny thing is, that I know for a fact he loves me unconditionally. He always has. Since highschool and that is what is confusing me so badly. I have tried: Confronting him. making fake profiles oon dating sites to see if he was on any. I have done everything I could think free dating sites browse. But nothing. I think it was caused by: All I can think is that maybe it was because of me always accusing him and assuming he was doing this.
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Can I still look up my caught my girlfriend on a dating site for other social media if he has a security appointment like duck go on his Dating Russian Women without it going off and letting him know there someone looking up things on him?
How do I are am I still able to look up anything on my boyfriend even though he has a security app on his phone are would it let him know
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What should I do about my unfaithful husband?Advice please?
Why is my husband constantly cheating on me. He cheats on me with multiple women. They are all over his social media. He has dating site accounts. He sends women messages on social media. Exes and other women. He has an caught my girlfriend on a dating site supply of women. It will never stop.
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