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'Least Desirable'? How Racial Discrimination Plays Out In Online Dating
In , user data on OkCupid showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. That resonated with Ari Curtis, 28, and inspired her blog, Least Desirable. Kholood Eid for NPR hide caption
In , user data on OkCupid showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. That resonated with Ari Curtis, 28, and inspired her blog, Least Desirable.
Kholood Eid for NPRI don't date Asians — sorry, not sorry.
You're cute for an Asian.
I usually like "bears," but no "panda bears."
These were the types of messages Jason, a year-old Los Angeles resident, remembers receiving on different dating apps and websites when he logged on in his search for love seven years ago. He has since deleted the messages and apps.
"It was really disheartening," he says. "It really hurt my self-esteem."
Jason is earning his doctorate with a goal of helping people with mental health needs. NPR is not using his last name to protect his privacy and that of the clients he works with in his internship.
He is gay and Filipino and says he felt like he had no choice but to deal with the rejections based on his ethnicity as he pursued a relationship.
"It was hurtful at first. But I started to think, I have a choice: Would I rather be alone, or should I, like, face racism?"
Jason, a year-old Los Angeles resident, says he received racist messages on different dating apps and websites in his search for love. Laura Roman/NPR hide caption
Jason, a year-old Los Angeles resident, says he received racist messages on different dating apps and websites in his search for love.
Laura Roman/NPRJason says he faced it and thought about it quite a bit. So he wasn't surprised when he read a blog post from OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder in about race and attraction.
Rudder wrote that user data showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. Similarly, Asian men fell at the bottom of the preference list for most women. While the data focused on straight users, Jason says he could relate.
"When I read that, it was a sort of like, 'Duh!' " he says. "It was like an unfulfilled validation, if that makes sense. Like, yeah, I was right, but it feels s***** that I was right."
"Least desirable"
The OkCupid data resonated so much with year-old Ari Curtis that she used it as the basis of her blog, Least Desirable, about dating as a black woman.
"My goal," she wrote, "is to share stories of what it means to be a minority not in the abstract, but in the awkward, exhilarating, exhausting, devastating and occasionally amusing reality that is the pursuit of love."
"My goal," Curtis wrote on her blog, "is to share stories of what it means to be a minority not in the abstract, but in the awkward, exhilarating, exhausting, devastating and occasionally amusing reality that is the pursuit of love." Kholood Eid for NPR hide caption
"My goal," Curtis wrote on her blog, "is to share stories of what it means to be a minority not in the abstract, but in the awkward, exhilarating, exhausting, devastating and occasionally amusing reality that is the pursuit of love."
Kholood Eid for NPRCurtis works in marketing in New York City and says that although she loves how open-minded most people in the city are, she didn't always find that quality in dates she started meeting online.
After drinks at a Brooklyn bar, one of her more recent OkCupid matches, a white Jewish man, offered this: "He was like, 'Oh, yeah, my family would never approve of you.' " Curtis explains, "Yeah, because I'm black."
Curtis describes meeting another white man on Tinder, who brought the weight of damaging racial stereotypes to their date. "He was like, 'Oh, so we have to bring the 'hood out of you, bring the ghetto out of you!' " Curtis recounts. "It made me feel like I wasn't enough, who I am wasn't what he expected, and that he wanted me to be somebody else based on my race."
Why might our dating preferences feel racist to others?
Other dating experts have pointed to such stereotypes and lack of multiracial representation in the media as part of the likely reason that plenty of online daters have had discouraging experiences based on their race.
Melissa Hobley, OkCupid's chief marketing officer, says the site has learned from social scientists about other reasons that people's dating preferences come off as racist, including the fact that they often reflect IRL — in real life — norms.
"[When it comes to attraction,] familiarity is a really big piece," Hobley says. "So people tend to be often attracted to the people that they are familiar with. And in a segregated society, that can be harder in certain areas than in others."
Curtis says she relates to that idea because she has had to come to terms with her own biases. After growing up in the mostly white town of Fort Collins, Colo., she says she exclusively dated white men until she moved to New York.
"I feel like there is room, honestly, to say, 'I have a preference for somebody who looks like this.' And if that person happens to be of a certain race, it's hard to blame somebody for that," Curtis says. "But on the other hand, you have to wonder: If racism weren't so ingrained in our culture, would they have those preferences?"
Hobley says the site made changes over the years to encourage users to focus less on potential mates' demographics and appearance and more on what she calls "psychographics."
"Psychographics are things like what you're interested in, what moves you, what your passions are," Hobley says. She also points to a recent study by international researchers that found that a rise in interracial marriages in the U.S. over the past 20 years has coincided with the rise of online dating.
"If dating apps can actually play a role in groups and people getting together [who] otherwise might not, that's really, really exciting," Hobley says.
"Everyone deserves love"
Curtis says she is still conflicted about her own preferences and whether she'll continue to use dating apps. For now, her strategy is to keep a casual attitude about her romantic life.
"If I don't take it seriously, then I don't have to be disappointed when it doesn't go well," she says.
Jason is out of the dating game entirely because he ended up finding his current partner, who is white, on an app two years ago. He credits part of his success with making bold statements about his values in his profile.
"I had said something, like, really obnoxious, looking back on it now," he says with a laugh. "I think one of the first lines I said was like, 'social justice warriors to the front of the line please.' "
He says weeding through the racist messages he received as a result was hard, but worth it.
"Everyone deserves love and kindness and support," he says. "And pushing through and holding that close to yourself is, I think, actually also what kept me in this online dating realm — just knowing that I deserve this, and if I am lucky enough, it will happen. And it did."
Alyssa Edes and Laura Roman contributed to this report.
The uncomfortable racial preferences revealed by online dating
The data shown above come from the Facebook dating app, Are You Interested (AYI), which works like this: Users in search of someone for a date or for sex flip through profiles of other users and, for each one, click either “yes” (I like what I see) or “skip” (show me the next profile). When the answer is “yes,” the other user is notified and has the opportunity to respond. It’s very similar to another dating app, Tinder.
The graphic shows what percentage of people responded to a “yes,” based on the gender and ethnicity of both parties (the data are only for opposite-sex pairs of people). Unsurprisingly, most “yes’s” go unanswered, but there are patterns: For example, Asian women responded to white men who “yessed” them % of the time, more often than they responded to any other race. On the other hand, white men responded to black women % of the time—less often than for white, Latino, or Asian women. In general, men responded to women about three times as often as women responded to men.
Unfortunately the data reveal winners and losers. All men except Asians preferred Asian women, while all except black women preferred white men. And both black men and black women got the lowest response rates for their respective genders.
Perhaps most surprising is that among men, all racial groups preferred another race over their own.
AYI analyzed some million heterosexual interactions—meaning every time a user clicked either “yes” or “skip”—to come up with these statistics. Its users skew older than Tinder’s—about two-thirds of AYI users are older than 35, according to a spokesperson.
I first learned about the "Asian Men Black Women" (AMBW) community about seven months ago, when I was on a date with a black girl. She seemed to really like the fact that I was Asian. She grew up watching K-pop, and said she would always think, Asian guys were so cute. The "cute" had the tone one would use when describing a baby. "I always wanted to have one," she said, looking into my eyes.
Later that night, she invited me to the Asian Men Black Women Persuasion Facebook group. I joined and saw thousands of Asian men and black women engaging in a rich cultural exchange. They were posting photos of themselves, discussing social justice, sharing viral videos. Some of them advertised real life meet-ups and dating events.
I live in New York City, so I figured I could find at least one AMBW meet-up group. And I did: Asian Men and Black Women Connections NYC. The activities they had seemed genuinely fun: vineyard tours, game nights, beach outings, and so on. I messaged Ron, the group administrator, and suggested a meet-up I wanted to attend: "South African Food @ Madiba Restaurant." He approved, and addressed any apprehension about my presence in the event description: "A writer, Zach Schwartz, may be in attendance. He promises that the article will be positive; he is Asian himself, and a recent member to this group."
In the way that Asian men have been distorted to reflect femininity, so too have black women become masculinized.
As a biracial Asian-American growing up in Ohio, I felt that because of my Asian features, there was something inherently unattractive about me. One of my most vivid childhood memories was sitting in my dad's car after he took me to ice cream because I was upset about being called a "chink" the week before, crying as I told him that "no girl would ever like me because I'm Asian."
I'm no longer insecure about my Taiwanese heritage&#x;it's one of my biggest blessings&#x;but I did have reason to be insecure about my looks. Recent statistics have shown that East Asian men (in this article, I'll use "Asian" as shorthand for East Asian men, who are Taiwanese, Japanese, Korean, Chinese, and so on) are viewed as the least desirable male partners in American society. In a speed-dating study by Columbia University, women said yes to an Asian man 50 percent less often, demonstrating a "significant preference against Asian males." A Princeton dating study found that percent of white women with a racial preference said they would never date an Asian or half-Asian.
The unattractiveness of Asian-American men can be linked to their perceived lack of masculinity. Masculinity in American culture is an idea often predicated on aggressiveness and promiscuity. In Asian culture, however, masculinity is generally tied to mental strength, being a provider, and accepting familial responsibility. Furthermore, Asian boys are taught deference to authority at home. "'The loudest duck gets shot' is a Chinese proverb," observed critic Wesley Yang in his essay on the popular misconception of Asian-American success. He offered its Western correlative: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease," where complaint often yields reward.
The perceived passivity in Asian men can be interpreted through American eyes as femininity, and the consequences of this manifest in everything from Asian men's near-exclusive representation as "bottoms" in gay porn, to the bamboo ceiling, a term for Asians' lack of leadership representation in the workforce. Although Asians are five percent of the population, they only make up percent of C-level executives. In society, the idea of an Asian being an alpha male can be a foreign one.
Perhaps the most insulting reminder of Western attitudes towards Asians is one of size. Western culture views penis size as a symbol of masculinity. Even though it's been debunkednumeroustimes, there remains a perception that Asians are less well-endowed. Combine that with society's distaste for shorter-than-average height, and many Asian men are made to feel that they are lesser.
The emasculation of Asian men has its own subplot in the racist history of this country. When Asian men first immigrated here, they weren't allowed to bring their wives. The Chinese Exclusion Act banned family immigration and [remains the only piece of legislation](Chinese Exclusion Act) in US history that specifically excluded a nationality. Once ashore, many Asian men were relegated to jobs that were regarded as women's work, such as cooking and cleaning, which are echoed in the abundance of Asian-owned Laundromats today. The only Asian in East of Eden, John Steinbeck's epic novel about the rise of California, is the sexless nerd servant, Lee.
The modern Asian-American experience, one could argue, is not so different from Lee's. East Asian men are viewed as smart, but, as Timothy P. Fong noted in his book The Contemporary Asian American Experience: Beyond the Model Minority, "Despite a few notable exceptions, Asian men have most often been depicted as strangely asexual characters." As an adolescent, I would be called "cute" by girls, but it was in a strange non-romantic context, which led me to despair and confusion. I watched as all my friends got their first kisses and lost their virginity, while I stayed "cute," but not "attractive."
The author and two attendees of a recent AMBW meet-up. Photo by Simon Chetrit
I had to wait for the social-consciousness explosion of the last several years to explain why that was. Eddie Huang, the chef, writer, and VICE host, writes in his memoir of the time he realized he had been robbed of his masculinity: "Yo, you notice Asian people never get any pussy in movies?" his cousin asks. "Jet Li rescued Aliyah, no pussy! Chow Yun-Fat saves Mira Sorvino, no pussy. Chris Tucker gets mu-shu, but Jackie Chan? No pussy!" "Damn, son, you right!" replies Huang. "Even Long Duk Dong has to ride that stationary bicycle instead of fucking!"
The most visible contemporary exception might be "Glenn," a Korean-American character in the The Walking Dead , who dates a white woman. Huang addressed this on Joe Rogen's podcast: "There had to be a zombie apocalypse for an Asian dude to get some pussy. That dude had to be the last motherfucker [alive]."
As a result of this, there exists a contingent of Asian-American males who feel de-masculinized and rejected by women. Online communities like "ABC's of Attraction" have been created to offer pick-up advice to Asian dudes. On the boards for some such communities, discussing their "involuntary celibacy," some Asian men rage at their situation. Eliot Rodger, the Santa Barbara shooter, openly stated in his manifesto that part of his violence came from being "perceived by women as less because I was half-Asian."
It's ironic, because Asian women have the opposite problem. In an article for Slate subtitled " Eddie Huang and the rise of the 'big dick Asian ,'" Anne Ishii wrote, "Rarely does the Asian-American guy go home with the girl&#x;and the injustice is doubled when his female counterparts are pathologically fetishized."
When online dating site Are You Interested analyzed its over million interactions in , they found that Asian women are more likely to get a message than any other race. This is because while Asian men suffer from the perception of Asian-ness as feminine, Asian women are festishized for it. "Even if it's just that subconscious level," Ishii argued, "there's this idea of the geisha or concubine, or a submissive wife."
Many Asian women don't prefer to date Asian men. When asked if they "preferred to date someone from their own racial background" on OkCupid, 78 percent of Asian women said no. Although it's true that Asian men have their best chances with Asian women on the site, it's still lower than the figures for white men. Who, then, is the Asian man's true racial counterpart?
"[Black women] are always portrayed as loud and ghetto," said Rhea Alexander, who runs the site AMBW for Life. "And then, on the other hand, the stereotype for Asian men is that they're weak and don't have opinions."
In the Princeton dating study, researchers discovered that black women were the least desired by white men, excluded by over 90 percent of those with a racial preference. Black women also see a high rate of outmarriage among black men. According to the Pew Research Center, about 24 percent of all black male newlyweds in married outside their race, compared with nine percent of black female newlyweds.
OKCupid founder Christian Rudder summarized the data on his dating site and found that black women reply the most to messages, yet get by far the fewest replies&#x;only a third of their messages went answered. He wrote, "Essentially every race&#x;including other blacks&#x;[gives black women] the cold shoulder."
In the way that Asian men have been distorted to reflect femininity, so too have black women become masculinized. The idea of the "strong" black woman is one that is either feared or mocked, or, in the case of tennis champion Serena Williams, both. Throughout her career, Williams, arguably the greatest female tennis player of all time, has served as a lightning rod for racist gender notions. During the US Open final, the New Yorkerreported on the reaction to Williams on Twitter: "Some people wrote admiringly about her obvious strength and fitness, but there were also observations about the size of her butt, her thighs, and suggestions that her toned arms made her look more like a male boxer or linebacker than like a women 's tennis player."
It's critiques such as these that "perpetuate racist notions that black women are hypermasculine and unattractive," poet Claudia Rankine wrote in the New York Times. "Imagine being asked to comment at a news conference before a tournament because the president of the Russian Tennis Federation, Shamil Tarpischev, has described you and your sister as 'brothers' who are 'scary' to look at. Imagine."
"American racist tropes tend to be constructed in ways that render black women one-dimensional," writer and and cofounder of alovex.co Mikki Kendall told The Daily Beast in July. "So when Serena refuses to be the kindly self-effacing Mammy, the over-sexed Jezebel, or the harridan Sapphire, media organizations don't know how to handle her." Angela Stanley, a researcher at the Kirwan Institute for the Study of Race and Ethnicity at Ohio State University, agreed: "Despite the visibility of people like Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and Condoleezza Rice, black women as a group are still largely negatively stereotyped in movies, television, music, and other forms of popular culture."
On VICE Sports: Does Tennis Have a Race Problem?
If American society were a high school, the white kids would be the so-called popular kids, viewed as attractive by everyone, yet generally preferring to stay within their exclusive group (according to OkCupid, almost half of whites prefer to date within their own race). From a young age, they have been given validation from society. Simply put, being white fits "the dominant paradigm of what's desirable and normal&#x; you go to a movie and there's a beautiful woman and the [guy] who wins her looks like you. That's big. That makes you feel central," a white interviewee recently told VICE. However, as time goes on and our society evolves from its current views on race, people realize that those who were once "popular" can be basic and not that special after all.
As it stands today, many black women and Asian men have been left in the casual-dating corner. Which might explain why some have banded together to create the AMBW community, which includes websites, Meetup groups, and online forums.
I spoke to Rhea Alexander, a black woman who runs one such website, AMBW for Life. I asked her to explain what, in her opinion, draws Asian men and black women together. "[The Asian man] is a domestic dad, that gentle soul," she said. "He is unmoved, he is unbothered&#x; He understands his own struggle as an Asian man, and his pressure to conform to white standards. That is what I believe is the invisible magnet between Asian men and black women."
Photo by Simon Chetrit
And so, on a hot Sunday afternoon, I headed to the Fort Greene area of Brooklyn to discover this "invisible magnet." I found the restaurant and walked inside. At the table were four individuals, two black women and two Asian men: Kemi, Kimmie, Will, and Ron. I sat down and ordered a Bloody Mary.
Coming from a diverse background, and having dated girls of all different backgrounds&#x;black, Native American, Hispanic, Muslim, Jewish, and Indian&#x;I was entirely comfortable in this setting. As we parsed the menu, I talked to Kemi, the girl sitting next to me. Kemi was 23&#x;one of the group's youngest members&#x;and had just graduated college. This was her second AMBW Meetup. We started to talk about her experience as a black woman in the dating scene. "[Black women] are always portrayed as loud and ghetto," she said. "And then, on the other hand, the stereotype for Asian men is that they're weak and don't have opinions."
"And are seen as having small sexual members," Ron added quietly.
"Which is totally not true!" Kemi said loudly. I remembered how, a couple months ago, I went on a first date with a girl who told me what her friend said upon finding out I was mixed Asian-Jewish: "That's like mixing average with small." I ended up sleeping with her multiple times before breaking it off, but it was annoying to deal with that assumption.
"Anyways, I've come to realize that many people do not find Asian men attractive," Kemi said. I asked her then: Why was she specifically into Asian men?
She thought for a second. "It came from watching Asian film," she replied. "It started with Japan and then moved to South Korea. And just being into those cultures. But now, what I really like is their value on family and family values. Because black culture is also very focused on family as well."
Kemi was quick to point out that she was attracted to all races, unlike the fetishization that can plague the AMBW community. "I've joined other AMBW groups," she said. "And there's these black women in them who just want the whole K-pop look. "Ron talked about Asian men who would post their pictures in AMBW groups and get hundreds of admirers. "Sometimes they can't even speak English," he said incredulously. "But the more foreign they look, the more admirers they have."
Kemi continued: "On the other hand, in these communities&#x;not necessarily this group, but the broader community&#x;there's Asian men who have a fetish for black women. They want girls who look like the video vixens. They want the stereotypes; the big butt, the long weave. And not all black girls look like that."
Fetishization is definitely problematic, but I also found it reassuring to know that there was a space where Asian and black features are desired. "[This is] a much more welcoming environment for Asian men," Ron said. "A lot of Asian men are sometimes afraid to approach women because they're so used to getting rejected. "The girl-to-guy ratio at these events is usually disproportionate (), so the Asian guys get a lot of attention. "There are definitely some crazy 'cougars' in this group," Kemi told me. "When they get a look at you and how young you are, they are going to jump all over you."
The threads of our conversation intertwined to form a visual representation of the community, of which I was able to distinguish several strains, one of which was a virile hookup culture.
"[In this community] I have seen a lot of hookups, people who just want a one-night stand," Kemi said. I told them that a much older, out-of-state black woman from the Meetup group had messaged me, asking if I was single. Everyone laughed. "You'll get that," Kimmie said from across the table. "There's a lot of people who just want someone to hook up with when they travel."
However, there seemed to be a more mature, dating-oriented side to the community, particularly within this Meetup group, perhaps as a result of its older demographic. Ron talked about the relationships it has birthed. One couple from the group had even gotten married.
Before lunch concluded and we went our separate ways, I had a private conversation with Ron. "What you're doing is good work," I told him. "Bringing people together. This is a beautiful thing." He nodded.
Later, I looked online for other Meetup groups of a similar nature. Perhaps there would be black man-white woman, or Asian man-white female enthusiasts. But in a list of all interracial meet-ups in NYC, the only one that occurs with any regularity is Asian men and black women.
To me, that's not a coincidence. It's beautiful that, through the internet, these two highly marginalized groups can find the love and appreciation they may have never found otherwise. Kemi told me stories of Asian "players" at the meetups, who get chased up the stairs by girls, and black women besieged by Asian internet admirers. It's like they can do high school all over again, except this time they're the popular ones.
AMBW communities are still in their infancy, and with that come growing pains. The cultural strife and racist notions between the two groups in America&#x;cue the opening scene of Menace II Society&#x;will sometimes surface. In one of the Facebook groups I was in, an Asian man posted a video of black teenagers waving guns in Chicago, saying, "Why would anyone want to be a part of this culture?" with the crying-laughing emoji. Swarms of Asian men and black women came in to destroy him, but the fuse had been blown. When tectonic plates meet, earthquakes always happen.
Rhea Alexander told me about her previous relationship with a Korean man. "Mind you," she said, "my ex-boyfriend's mother did not like the fact I was black, so I dealt with everything you could think of." At the meet-up, Kemi described how her and her boyfriend were once followed by a group of black men, who questioned and mocked her boyfriend's race.
But "swirling"&#x;or interracial coupling&#x;can bring cultures together. They can demystify cultural differences by forcing two sides to understand each other. In that way, they can help repair the world.
"As time goes on," Rhea told me, "you're going to see more people discovering the beauty of AMBW relationships, and you are going to see all these gorgeous 'Blasian' children." In fact, I hope my own babies are Blasian&#x;the inheritance of these two rich, underappreciated cultures would be one of the greatest gifts I could give them.
Follow Zachary on Twitter.
Tagged:Cultureblack-womenRACISMDatinginterracial datingEddie HuangRaceSerena WilliamsVice BlogmeetupsAsian menAsian Men Black Women dating communityAMBWZachary SchwartzClaudia Rankine
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In AMBW: Asian Men Black Women Movement, writer Love Journey talks about interracial relationships between Asian Men and Black Women and the growth of the AMBW community.
In this first book navigating the exciting world of interracial dating - specifically Asian Men and Black Women - Love Journey explores the who, what, where, when, and why of this unique group. This is more than just a resource guide. In an effort to promote healthy relationships between AMBW, Love Journey digs deeper into the movement by discussing the pioneering efforts of Asian Men and Black Women bravely dating outside the traditional box, ignoring double standards, and expanding their dating options.
Included:
-The AMBW Movement
-The Beauty of AMBW Interracial Dating -Debunking the Myths about Asian Men and Black Women
-AMBW Dating Facts & Statistics -Why Asian Men and Black Women should consider Interracial Dating
-How to Meet your AMBW match
-Best Cities for AMBW Couples
-Online AMBW Resources
-AMBW Organizations
-AMBW in Print
-AMBW Films and Movies
-Potential challenges
-Voices from the AMBW Community
Tags: Love & Romance, Relationships, Marriage & Family, African American, Asian, Swirl, Swirling, Interracial Dating & Romance, Marriage, Civil Rights, AMBW, BWAM, Interracial relationships, Love, Swirl, Advocacy
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Why black women and Asian men are at a disadvantage when it comes to online dating
I&#x;m open to dating women of all backgrounds, he tells me. Except for black women.
I&#x;ve just never been attracted to Asian men, she says.
Uncomfortable yet? Unfortunately, the vast majority of singles I&#x;ve worked with have clear racial preferences and biases when it comes to dating. Now that I&#x;m four years into professional matchmaking, I&#x;ve seen clear patterns emerge when it comes to race and attraction.
White men: congratulations! Women of every racial background seem to strongly prefer dating you. Asian and Latin women are most popular with the gents. Black women and Asian men are the two groups most notably at a dating disadvantage. They are the hardest singles for me to match, because they tend to be excluded from the match searches of the majority of clients. Men seemingly open to dating anyone and everyone eventually include a no black women addendum. Women who state they only want to find a nice, kind, man say that they have no real physical preferences &#x; as long as the man in question isn&#x;t Asian. Non-starter, that.
The online dating world is also stacked against black women and Asian men. According to Christian Rudder&#x;sOKCupid blog, stats from show that 82 per cent of non-black men on OKCupid show some bias against black women. Similarly, Asian men&#x;s dating profiles are consistently rated the lowest by single women using online dating sites. But why?
Attractiveness is a very haphazard dish that can&#x;t be boiled down to height or skin colour, but Asian men are told that regardless of what the idyllic mirepoix is or isn&#x;t, we just don&#x;t have the ingredients, television host Eddie Huang recently wrote in the New York Times.
The structural emasculation of Asian men in all forms of media became a self-fulfilling prophecy that produced an actual abhorrence to Asian men in the real world.
Pop culture is a window into desire. Consider the male Asian characters in movies you&#x;ve seen in the last several years. What were their roles? When was the last time you saw a North American film where a desirable Asian man played the romantic lead and didn&#x;t know martial arts?
A similar story presents itself when we deconstruct black women in popular culture. In film and television, black women are often portrayed as two-dimensional strong and sassy stereotypes (see: Leslie Jones&#x; character in Ghostbusters: Answer the Call or Jennifer Hudson as Carrie Bradshaw&#x;s personal assistant in Sex and the City: The Movie. ) When cast as a romantic interest, they&#x;re usually played by biracial or multiracial women with lighter skin tones, such as Halle Berry or Zendaya.
Society tells us that black women are hypersexual but also more masculine than other women, while it suggests that Asian men are less masculine &#x; to the point of being effeminate &#x; and that they are physically less attractive, says Shantel Buggs, a PhD Candidate in sociology at the University of Texas. All of this centres on Eurocentric beauty standards, which privilege those who are white or are white adjacent in appearance &#x; things like lighter skin, light coloured eyes, thinner noses, certain jawline shapes. So, when we see Asian men and black women having a harder time, part of it has to do with beauty standards and part of it has to do with the ways people are socialized to imagine how Asian men or black women behave inside and outside of relationships.
This exclusion of Asian men is a particularly visible problem in the gay community. No rice, no spice is social networking apps Scruff and Grindr parlance for no East Asian men, no South Asian men. Straight people aren&#x;t nearly as upfront about their prejudices on Tinder, but having spoken to several women of colour about their time dating online, they seem to get fewer messages and matches than other women and are frequently racially fetishized when they do connect.
I&#x;ve personally experienced plenty of this, Buggs tells me. While pretty much all women of colour are considered more sexual and exotic than white women, the ways in which this plays out varies. Asian women have historically been deemed more sexual but also are viewed as being more demure and feminine. Sexual narratives about Asian women suggest that they will not challenge a man&#x;s masculinity the way that other women of colour might. So, they become idealized due to being considered very sexual but also very feminine. Alternatively, black women are viewed as hypersexual because of things like the legacy of chattel slavery, which also suggested that black women are more masculine and animalistic than other women. We&#x;ve seen this over and over in the U.S. with how certain people talk about former First Lady Michelle Obama.
In a recent feature article in the Walrus, lawyer Hadiya Roderique detailed her challenges dating as a woman of colour. When Hadiya photoshopped her dating profile photos so that she appeared to be a white woman, her profile&#x;s popularity skyrocketed.
When you combine demographics, the fact that users disproportionately message others of the same race, fetishism, sexualization of blackness, racism and anti-blackness, it adds up to &#x; to put it mildly &#x; a &#x;harder time&#x; in those spaces, Roderique tells me. The experience on other sites, especially those that cater to people of colour, may be different, but even people of colour and black people are not immune from anti-blackness.
I&#x;ve gotten quite a few comments from other black women noting similar experiences to me and the other women I mention in the article on the large sites. This wasn&#x;t really news to black women. As for others, it&#x;s easy to keep yourself in the dark about racism and bias when you are part of the majority, and I seem to have shone a bit of light about this in those spaces.
As Roderique alluded, there are incredibly complex social reasons behind racial preferences and stereotyping in dating. Systemic racism continues to oppress and other people of colour and interracial romantic relationships were taboo &#x; even illegal &#x; until shamefully recently in our history.
So are you racist if you aren&#x;t open to dating everyone? I don&#x;t know. Are you the product of a racist society? Undoubtedly, yes. We all are. And we&#x;re going to have to work hard at being inclusive and open-minded in dating and in every other aspect of life if we&#x;re set on making any progress at all.
Sofi Papamarko is the founder of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking. Reach her at alovex.co
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In AMBW: Asian Men Black Women Movement, writer Love Journey talks about interracial relationships between Asian Men and Black Women and the growth of the AMBW community.
In this first book navigating the exciting world of interracial dating - specifically Asian Men and Black Women - Love Journey explores the who, what, where, when, and why of this unique group. This is more than just a resource guide. In an effort to promote healthy relationships between AMBW, Love Journey digs deeper into the movement by discussing the pioneering efforts of Asian Men and Black Women bravely dating outside the traditional box, ignoring double standards, and expanding their dating options.
Included:
-The AMBW Movement
-The Beauty of AMBW Interracial Dating -Debunking the Myths about Asian Men and Black Women
-AMBW Dating Facts & Statistics -Why Asian Men and Black Women should consider Interracial Dating
-How to Meet your AMBW match
-Best Cities for AMBW Couples
-Online AMBW Resources
-AMBW Organizations
-AMBW in Print
-AMBW Films and Movies
-Potential challenges
-Voices from the AMBW Community
Tags: Love & Romance, Relationships, Marriage & Family, African American, Asian, Swirl, Swirling, Interracial Dating & Romance, Marriage, Civil Rights, AMBW, BWAM, Interracial relationships, Love, Swirl, Advocacy
The uncomfortable racial preferences revealed by online dating
The data shown above come from the Facebook dating app, Are You Interested (AYI), which works like this: Users in search of someone for a date or for sex flip through profiles of other users and, for each one, click either “yes” (I like what I see) or “skip” (show me the next profile). When the answer is “yes,” the other user is notified and has the opportunity to respond. It’s very similar to another dating app, Tinder.
The graphic shows what percentage of people responded to a “yes,” based on the gender and ethnicity of both parties (the data are only for opposite-sex pairs of people). Unsurprisingly, most “yes’s” go unanswered, but there are patterns: For example, Asian women responded to white men who “yessed” them % of the time, more often than they responded to any other race. On the other hand, white men responded to black women % of the time—less often than for white, Latino, or Asian women. In general, men responded to women about three times as often as women responded to men.
Unfortunately the data reveal winners and losers. All men except Asians preferred Asian women, while all except black women preferred white men. And both black men and black women got the lowest response rates for their respective genders.
Perhaps most surprising is that among men, all racial groups preferred another race over their own.
AYI analyzed some million heterosexual interactions—meaning every time a user clicked either “yes” or “skip”—to come up with these statistics. Its users skew older than Tinder’s—about two-thirds of AYI users are older than 35, according to a spokesperson.
'Least Desirable'? How Racial Discrimination Plays Out In Online Dating
In , user data on OkCupid showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. That resonated with Ari Curtis, 28, and inspired her blog, Least Desirable. Kholood Eid for NPR hide caption
In , user data on OkCupid showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. That resonated with Ari Curtis, 28, and inspired her blog, Least Desirable.
Kholood Eid for NPRI don't date Asians — sorry, not sorry.
You're cute for an Asian.
I usually like "bears," but no "panda bears."
These were the types of messages Jason, a year-old Los Angeles resident, remembers receiving on different dating apps and websites when he logged on in his search for love seven years ago. He has since deleted the messages and apps.
"It was really disheartening," he says. "It really hurt my self-esteem."
Jason is earning his doctorate with a goal of helping people with mental health needs. NPR is not using his last name to protect his privacy and that of the clients he works with in his internship.
He is gay and Filipino and says he felt like he had no choice but to deal with the rejections based on his ethnicity as he pursued a relationship.
"It was hurtful at first. But I started to think, I have a choice: Would I rather be alone, or should I, like, face racism?"
Jason, a year-old Los Angeles resident, says he received racist messages on different dating apps and websites in his search for love. Laura Roman/NPR hide caption
Jason, a year-old Los Angeles resident, says he received racist messages on different dating apps and websites in his search for love.
Laura Roman/NPRJason says he faced it and thought about it quite a bit. So he wasn't surprised when he read a blog post from OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder in about race and attraction.
Rudder wrote that user data showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. Similarly, Asian men fell at the bottom of the preference list for most women. While the data focused on straight users, Jason says he could relate.
"When I read that, it was a sort of like, 'Duh!' " he says. "It was like an unfulfilled validation, if that makes sense. Like, yeah, I was right, but it feels s***** that I was right."
"Least desirable"
The OkCupid data resonated so much with year-old Ari Curtis that she used it as the basis of her blog, Least Desirable, about dating as a black woman.
"My goal," she wrote, "is to share stories of what it means to be a minority not in the abstract, but in the awkward, exhilarating, exhausting, devastating and occasionally amusing reality that is the pursuit of love."
"My goal," Curtis wrote on her blog, "is to share stories of what it means to be a minority not in the abstract, but in the awkward, exhilarating, exhausting, devastating and occasionally amusing reality that is the pursuit of love." Kholood Eid for NPR hide caption
"My goal," Curtis wrote on her blog, "is to share stories of what it means to be a minority not in the abstract, but in the awkward, exhilarating, exhausting, devastating and occasionally amusing reality that is the pursuit of love."
Kholood Eid for NPRCurtis works in marketing in New York City and says that although she loves how open-minded most people in the city are, she didn't always find that quality in dates she started meeting online.
After drinks at a Brooklyn bar, one of her more recent OkCupid matches, a white Jewish man, offered this: "He was like, 'Oh, yeah, my family would never approve of you.' " Curtis explains, "Yeah, because I'm black."
Curtis describes meeting another white man on Tinder, who brought the weight of damaging racial stereotypes to their date. "He was like, 'Oh, so we have to bring the 'hood out of you, bring the ghetto out of you!' " Curtis recounts. "It made me feel like I wasn't enough, who I am wasn't what he expected, and that he wanted me to be somebody else based on my race."
Why might our dating preferences feel racist to others?
Other dating experts have pointed to such stereotypes and lack of multiracial representation in the media as part of the likely reason that plenty of online daters have had discouraging experiences based on their race.
Melissa Hobley, OkCupid's chief marketing officer, says the site has learned from social scientists about other reasons that people's dating preferences come off as racist, including the fact that they often reflect IRL — in real life — norms.
"[When it comes to attraction,] familiarity is a really big piece," Hobley says. "So people tend to be often attracted to the people that they are familiar with. And in a segregated society, that can be harder in certain areas than in others."
Curtis says she relates to that idea because she has had to come to terms with her own biases. After growing up in the mostly white town of Fort Collins, Colo., she says she exclusively dated white men until she moved to New York.
"I feel like there is room, honestly, to say, 'I have a preference for somebody who looks like this.' And if that person happens to be of a certain race, it's hard to blame somebody for that," Curtis says. "But on the other hand, you have to wonder: If racism weren't so ingrained in our culture, would they have those preferences?"
Hobley says the site made changes over the years to encourage users to focus less on potential mates' demographics and appearance and more on what she calls "psychographics."
"Psychographics are things like what you're interested in, what moves you, what your passions are," Hobley says. She also points to a recent study by international researchers that found that a rise in interracial marriages in the U.S. over the past 20 years has coincided with the rise of online dating.
"If dating apps can actually play a role in groups and people getting together [who] otherwise might not, that's really, really exciting," Hobley says.
"Everyone deserves love"
Curtis says she is still conflicted about her own preferences and whether she'll continue to use dating apps. For now, her strategy is to keep a casual attitude about her romantic life.
"If I don't take it seriously, then I don't have to be disappointed when it doesn't go well," she says.
Jason is out of the dating game entirely because he ended up finding his current partner, who is white, on an app two years ago. He credits part of his success with making bold statements about his values in his profile.
"I had said something, like, really obnoxious, looking back on it now," he says with a laugh. "I think one of the first lines I said was like, 'social justice warriors to the front of the line please.' "
He says weeding through the racist messages he received as a result was hard, but worth it.
"Everyone deserves love and kindness and support," he says. "And pushing through and holding that close to yourself is, I think, actually also what kept me in this online dating realm — just knowing that I deserve this, and if I am lucky enough, it will happen. And it did."
Alyssa Edes and Laura Roman contributed to this report.
'Least Desirable'? How Racial Discrimination Plays Out In Online Dating
I don't date Asians — sorry, not sorry.
You're cute for an Asian.
I usually like "bears," but no "panda bears."
These were the types of messages Jason, a year-old Los Angeles resident, remembers receiving on different dating apps and websites when he logged on in his search for love seven years ago. He has since deleted the messages and apps.
"It was really disheartening," he says. "It really hurt my self-esteem."
Jason is earning his doctorate with a goal of helping people with mental health needs. NPR is not using his last name to protect his privacy and that of the clients he works with in his internship.
He is gay and Filipino and says he felt like he had no choice but to deal with the rejections based on his ethnicity as he pursued a relationship.
"It was hurtful at first. But I started to think, I have a choice: Would I rather be alone, or should I, like, face racism?"
Jason says he faced it and thought about it quite a bit. So he wasn't surprised when he read a blog post from OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder in about race and attraction.
Rudder wrote that user data showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. Similarly, Asian men fell at the bottom of the preference list for most women. While the data focused on straight users, Jason says he could relate.
"When I read that, it was a sort of like, 'Duh!' " he says. "It was like an unfulfilled validation, if that makes sense. Like, yeah, I was right, but it feels s***** that I was right."
"Least desirable"
The OkCupid data resonated so much with year-old Ari Curtis that she used it as the basis of her blog, Least Desirable, about dating as a black woman.
"My goal," she wrote, "is to share stories of what it means to be a minority not in the abstract, but in the awkward, exhilarating, exhausting, devastating and occasionally amusing reality that is the pursuit of love."
Curtis works in marketing in New York City and says that although she loves how open-minded most people in the city are, she didn't always find that quality in dates she started meeting online.
After drinks at a Brooklyn bar, one of her more recent OkCupid matches, a white Jewish man, offered this: "He was like, 'Oh, yeah, my family would never approve of you.' " Curtis explains, "Yeah, because I'm black."
Curtis describes meeting another white man on Tinder, who brought the weight of damaging racial stereotypes to their date. "He was like, 'Oh, so we have to bring the 'hood out of you, bring the ghetto out of you!' " Curtis recounts. "It made me feel like I wasn't enough, who I am wasn't what he expected, and that he wanted me to be somebody else based on my race."
Why might our dating preferences feel racist to others?
Other dating experts have pointed to such stereotypes and lack of multiracial representation in the media as part of the likely reason that plenty of online daters have had discouraging experiences based on their race.
Melissa Hobley, OkCupid's chief marketing officer, says the site has learned from social scientists about other reasons that people's dating preferences come off as racist, including the fact that they often reflect IRL — in real life — norms.
"[When it comes to attraction,] familiarity is a really big piece," Hobley says. "So people tend to be often attracted to the people that they are familiar with. And in a segregated society, that can be harder in certain areas than in others."
Curtis says she relates to that idea because she has had to come to terms with her own biases. After growing up in the mostly white town of Fort Collins, Colo., she says she exclusively dated white men until she moved to New York.
"I feel like there is room, honestly, to say, 'I have a preference for somebody who looks like this.' And if that person happens to be of a certain race, it's hard to blame somebody for that," Curtis says. "But on the other hand, you have to wonder: If racism weren't so ingrained in our culture, would they have those preferences?"
Hobley says the site made changes over the years to encourage users to focus less on potential mates' demographics and appearance and more on what she calls "psychographics."
"Psychographics are things like what you're interested in, what moves you, what your passions are," Hobley says. She also points to a recent study by international researchers that found that a rise in interracial marriages in the U.S. over the past 20 years has coincided with the rise of online dating.
"If dating apps can actually play a role in groups and people getting together [who] otherwise might not, that's really, really exciting," Hobley says.
"Everyone deserves love"
Curtis says she is still conflicted about her own preferences and whether she'll continue to use dating apps. For now, her strategy is to keep a casual attitude about her romantic life.
"If I don't take it seriously, then I don't have to be disappointed when it doesn't go well," she says.
Jason is out of the dating game entirely because he ended up finding his current partner, who is white, on an app two years ago. He credits part of his success with making bold statements about his values in his profile.
"I had said something, like, really obnoxious, looking back on it now," he says with a laugh. "I think one of the first lines I said was like, 'social justice warriors to the front of the line please.' "
He says weeding through the racist messages he received as a result was hard, but worth it.
"Everyone deserves love and kindness and support," he says. "And pushing through and holding that close to yourself is, I think, actually also what kept me in this online dating realm — just knowing that I deserve this, and if I am lucky enough, it will happen. And it did."
Alyssa Edes and Laura Roman contributed to this report.
Copyright NPR
This Valentine’s Day, many single people will be looking for their date online. In fact, this is now one of the most popular ways heterosexual couples meet. Online dating provides users with access to thousands, sometimes millions, of potential partners they are otherwise unlikely to encounter.
It is fascinating to see how online dating — with its expanded dating pools — transforms our dating prospects. Can we broaden our social network to a variety of backgrounds and cultures by accessing thousands of profiles? Or do we limit our choice of partners through targeted searches and strict preference filters?
When photos are readily available for users to evaluate before they decide to chat online or meet offline, who can say that love is blind?
Before I started my research project about online dating in Canada, I did a micro social experiment with my partner. We created two profiles on a mainstream dating app for heterosexuals: one was a profile for a man that used two of his photos — an Asian man — and the other profile was for an Asian woman and used two of my photos.
Each profile included a side-face photo and an outdoor portrait wearing sunglasses. One reason we used side-face photos and self-portraits with sunglasses was to avoid the issue of appearance. In online dating, discrimination based on looks deserves a separate article!
On both profiles, we used the same unisex name, “Blake,” who had the same interests and activities — for example, we included “sushi and beer” as favourites.
Every day, each of us indiscriminately liked 50 profiles in our respective dating pool.
Guess what happened?
Asian men rejected
The female Blake got numerous “likes,” “winks” and messages every day, whereas the male Blake got nothing.
Read more: Does being smart and successful lower your chances of getting married?
This reality took an emotional toll on my partner. Even though this was just an experiment and he was not actually looking for a date, it still got him down. He asked to stop this experiment after only a few days.
Such experiences are not unique to my partner. Later in my research project, I interviewed many Asian men who shared similar stories. One year-old Chinese Canadian man told me in the interview:
“… it makes me angry cause it sort of feels like you’re getting rejected when sometimes like you’re messaging people and then, they unmatch you … or sometimes they don’t respond, or you just keep getting no responses… it feels like a small rejection. So yeah, it feels bad ….”
My partner’s experience in our experiment and my research participants’ lived experiences echoed findings and themes in other studies. A large body of sociological research has found that Asian men live “at the bottom of the dating totem pole.” For example, among young adults, Asian men in North America are much more likely than men from other racial groups (for example, white men, Black men and Latino men) to be single.
Stereotypes: Asian women versus Asian men
Gender differences in romantic relationships are especially pronounced among Asian young adults: Asian men are twice as likely as Asian women to be unpartnered (35 per cent versus 18 per cent).
This gender gap in romantic involvement among Asians is, in part, because Asian men are much less likely than Asian women to be in a romantic or marital relationship with a different-race partner, even though Asian men and women appear to express a similar desire to marry outside of their race.
The gender differences in patterns of romantic involvement and interracial relationship among Asians result from the way Asian women and Asian men are seen differently in our society. Asian women are stereotyped as exotic and gender-traditional. They are therefore “desirable” as potential mates. But stereotypes of Asian men as unmasculine, geeky and “undesirable” abound.
While many people recognize the racism in elite-college admissions, in workplaces or in the criminal justice system, they tend to attribute racial exclusion in the dating market to “personal preferences,” “attraction” or “chemistry.”
However, as sociologist Grace Kao, from Yale University, and her colleagues have pointed out, “gendered racial hierarchies of desirability are as socially constructed as other racial hierarchies.”
Seemingly personal preferences and choices in modern romance are profoundly shaped by larger social forces, such as unflattering stereotypical media depictions of Asians, a history of unequal status relations between western and Asian countries, and the construction of masculinity and femininity in society. Regular exclusion of a particular racial group from having romantic relationships is known as sexual racism.
Finding love online
Online dating may have radically changed how we meet our partners, but it often reproduces old wine in new bottles. Like the offline dating world, gendered racial hierarchies of desirability are also evident in cyberspace and operate to marginalize Asian men in online dating markets.
Research from the United States shows that when stating racial preferences, more than 90 per cent of non-Asian women excluded Asian men. Furthermore, among men, whites receive the most messages, but Asians receive the fewest unsolicited messages from women.
Exactly because dating apps allow users to access and filter through a large dating pool, easy-to-spot characteristics like race may become even more salient in our search for love. Some people never make the cut just because they are already filtered out due to gendered and racialized stereotypes.
Read more: Tinder profiles around the world: Same, same but different
A year-old Filipino-Canadian man, who started using online dating almost 20 years ago, shared his experience with me:
“I don’t like online anymore. It doesn’t do you justice …. Most women who I ask to date would be Caucasian and I would get a lot of ‘no responses.’ And if they did, I always asked why. And if they were open to tell me, they say they were not attracted to Asian men. So in a sense, metaphorically, I didn’t get a chance to bat. Because they look at my ethnicity and they say no. In life, I’ll meet Caucasian women. Even if they look at me and I’m not white but because of the way I speak and act, I’m more North American, they think differently later. Not that they would initially say no, but after they knew me, they would reconsider.”
This participant felt he was often excluded before he got a chance to share who he really was.
When asked to compare meeting partners online and offline, a year-old white woman said she prefers meeting people in person because for her, that is where the judgemental walls come down:
“I find more quality in person. I’m in a better mindset. I’m definitely less judgemental when I meet someone offline — because online, the first thing you do is judge. And they’re judging you too — and you know you’re both figuring out whether you want to date. So there are a lot of walls you put up.”
For many online daters, the boundless promise of technology does not break social boundaries. If racial discrimination that prevails in the intimate sphere is left unchallenged, many Asian men will repeatedly encounter sexual racism.
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