Sick of swiping left or right? You’re not alone. As dating through apps and online platforms like Match.com continues to become the norm, people across the globe have embraced searching for potential matches from the comfort of their couches. But others are tired of relying on selecting potential mates from overedited profile pictures. Daters are complaining that people show up for in-person dates not looking like their photos, are flaky due to the number of prospects an app like Bumble can provide, and may only be interested in casual flings versus long-term relationships.

So, if you’re ready to swear off virtual dating, take note. Even though it may not feel like it, especially in a pandemic-era world, experts say it is entirely possible to still meet people face-to-face. And though it may seem like everyone you know is meeting their partners online, that’s not necessarily the case.

“Statistically speaking, the number of successful people meeting someone special on dating apps is very similar to those meeting someone on their own,” says Amber Kelleher-Andrews, a relationship expert and the CEO of Kelleher International. “In fact, it is surprisingly close, with 54 percent saying they met a significant other on a dating app.”

Kelleher-Andrews explains that while dating apps like Tinder have doubled their revenues since 2015, she and her matchmaking team have been seeing a push for the return of in-person dating as of late. “It feels like we have finally hit a tipping point, and users themselves are getting tired of these hookup sites,” she says. “Not to mention they take tremendous effort to keep up with.” And after a year of lockdowns and social distancing, people are jumping at the chance to get out and attend parties and barbecues and grab dinners out on the town, making it the perfect time to turn back your attention to mingling with singles in real life.

Here are some tips on how to find love outside of dating apps — in a very digital dating world.

Ditch the “I’m undatable” attitude

If you have “failed” on a dating app, don’t take this as a sign that you have failed in finding love, as, statistically, not finding love on an app can be a common outcome. “It is so common to be frustrated in not finding love online that I personally feel those that have met their significant love on a dating app got lucky,” Kelleher-Andrews says. Tammy Shaklee, founder of the gay and lesbian matchmaking service H4M, says to look at online dating this way: “The apps may work for half the population of singles, and you are simply in the other half.” And celebrity matchmaker Bonnie Winston reminds us that many people on apps aren’t always truthful about their status and may be married, in a relationship, or simply looking for swipes in order to boost their ego. “In my experience, after speaking with hundreds of people who tried dating apps, for every 20 swipes, one might be a match; therefore, it seems like 19 people are rejecting you,” she says. “You’re not a failure; it’s the algorithm that is simply not in your favor.”

Let a professional do the work for you

“Dating apps are an option, not a requirement,” explains Shaklee. “They can supplement your search, or they can steer you towards volumes of singles with which you have absolutely nothing in common.” When leaving the apps, she suggests making a list of things that were missing in your search. Ask yourself what qualities and values you are truly seeking in a compatible single that would make for a sustainable long-term relationship. You can take this list to a certified matchmaker and tell them the particulars of what you are looking for in a compatible partner. “Outsource your search, and let a professional comb through your options and introduce you to someone seeking what you are seeking,” Shaklee suggests.

Put yourself out there — but only in authentic ways

You can’t meet someone in person unless you put yourself out there. But make sure that you aren’t just flocking to where you think you may find eligible singles. Choose places and experiences that align with your interests. “Spend time outside of your home doing things that make you happy,” says Monica Berg, the author of Rethink Love and co-host of the Spiritually Hungry Podcast. “Don’t go to a club unless you want to dance. Don’t sit in a coffee shop for four hours unless you really like their scones,” she warns. Berg recommends focusing on exploring your interests and making yourself happy, and says that eventually that joy will attract the right someone.

Network

“Cast a net through your friends, family, and others in your life,” says Erica Cramer, a licensed clinical social worker with Cobb Psychotherapy in New York City. She suggests “telling everyone and anyone you know that you’re single and ready to mingle.” A blind date may feel risky, but having friends introducing you to a match, says Kelleher-Andrews, is very common and can make for a successful connector. “Friends work well for introductions because they know you. However, it is important that you share with them your standards and requirements so it’s not a mismatch,” she says. And expanding your social group is a great way to come into contact with new people. With the pandemic restrictions easing, Berg suggests planning group outings and dinner parties. “Encourage your friends to bring people you’ve never met,” she says. “The broader your social network, the greater your chances of making a connection.”

Volunteer

Giving back is good for the soul — and you never know who you’ll be volunteering next to. “Volunteer one time at your area’s botanical gardens, wildflower center or sculpture gardens, or animal-rescue center,” suggests Shaklee. “Find your fit for giving back, and you’ll meet like-minded singles also there.” Search for local volunteering opportunities at VolunteerMatch and Idealist.org, and sign up for everything from sorting food at a local food bank to cleaning up an area beach or mentoring a child.

Work an angle

Cramer suggests looking for your potential match amongst people with common interests. “Join a co-ed softball team, club, or any group of people you’d normally enjoy being around — and it’s a great way to add new potential dating candidates into your mix,” she says. “Love craft beer and fresh air? Look for a kickball team. Avid hiker? There’s a club for that. Bookworm? Join some book clubs and start to visit some of the best small-business shops.” The more people you expose yourself to with common interests, and the more often you see them, the better. According to Cramer, when you establish meaningful connections with like-minded people, you’re opening up your chances at love. “Dating is a numbers game, but interests spark the flame; the possibilities are endless here.”

Get chatty

Engage in conversation with new people even if you’re out of practice. “Connecting takes effort, in 2D or 3D,” says Cramer. “You have to be willing to make the effort to speak to people.” She challenges clients to talk to one new person a day. “It doesn’t have to be a prospective match, but they could know someone, and once you get yourself talking, it’s a great exercise in learning to ask the right questions and when to be a great listener,” she says. “Who knows? That guy you chatted up in the grocer about the best broccolini in Midtown loved your conversation so much, they may offer to fix you up with their daughter, the chef.” These conversations, says Cramer, aren’t for the purpose of finding your soul mate; they can broaden your horizons and sharpen those skills for connecting.

Attend local singles events

Search for local singles mixers in your area and try your hand at things like speed dating. Even if it sounds cheesy, you very well may connect with another person who attempted it “just to see who showed up” as well. Dan Kras recently founded an Austin-based dating startup called Mixmosa to bring singles together at places like cocktail bars and comedy clubs. “One guest said that Mixmosa was a ‘refreshing change of pace from the brainless swiping on mainstream apps’ and that the event was like ‘swiping left and right in real life — with no pressure,’ shares Kras, who is still very much a believer that people can find love away from a screen.

Put out some signals

The most important thing to do when you encounter someone you may be interested in is to “make eye contact and smile,” says Treva Brandon Scharf, a dating coach with Done Being Single. “That’s your icebreaker and calling card,” she explains. Scharf says to consider anywhere that you go in life an opportunity to meet someone — gas stations, dry cleaners, banks, grocery stores — but warns that if you don’t make any effort, then potential matches can pass you by. “Eye contact and a smile signal that you’re open and approachable,” she says.

Keep one foot in

If you’re serious about finding love, you can stay on a dating app and attempt to meet people in person – there’s no rule that says otherwise. And Berg says remaining in the online game, but not putting all your eggs in just one basket, can be empowering. “Imagine there was something that you very much needed and desired, and imagine there were four paths to getting it. Then imagine you decided that you were only going to use one path, effectively quartering your chances of finding what you want. Why would you decide to give yourself fewer chances of success?” she asks. While dating apps might not be your ideal way to meet someone, keeping them in the mix can be another potential road to your desired outcome.

Nicole is a freelance writer published in The New York Times, AARP, Woman’s Day, Parade, Men’s Journal, Wired, Emmy Magazine, and more. Keep up with her adventures on Twitter at @nicolepajer.

Get Shondaland directly in your inbox: SUBSCRIBE TODAY

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

As if finding love through boundless dating apps wasn't mystifying enough, determining when it's time for you and your S.O. to update your statuses to "In a Relationship" is a completely different conundrum. Even if sparks are flying on every date and you have incredible chemistry between the sheets, it isn't necessarily a guarantee that you're headed past the "just seeing each other" stage.

Whether you're looking to play the field or you're ready to get serious about finding "the one," it helps to know the point of casual dating and how to tell when it's becoming long-term. As with any relationship—romantic or otherwise—keep in mind that you should always communicate your expectations to avoid being blindsided. Desires for monogamy can vary from person to person. So how do you know if your partner wants to keep it casual or if you're heading toward a serious relationship? It can start with setting boundaries (and whether that includes other people).

Read on to learn what it means to be casually dating, and when it's time to make it official.

Casual Dating

When you can't get someone off your mind, it can be especially hard if you don't know what they want. Is it turning into something more, or do they just think you're friends with benefits? At the beginning of a relationship, it's important to discuss your intentions. That doesn't mean you'll have all the answers from the start—some relationships start casually, and not everyone needs the same amount of time to make it official. If your partner hints at a future where you're exclusive, they're likely open to the possibility of a relationship. On the other hand, they might keep a guarded schedule and prioritize their time with other people.

According to a report from the Pew Research Center, about 50 percent of all single people aren't interested in a serious relationship. Another 10 percent are strictly looking for casual dates. If you're hoping to get serious with your casual partner, those odds may not be encouraging…but like all matters of the heart, the best way to know what they want comes down to communication. "One problem with friends with benefits is that people [seldom] talk about their expectations or feelings," says expert Paul Joannides, Psy.D. "They don’t talk with each other about their relationship, which is still a relationship of sorts, even if it’s not filled with 'I love you’s.'"

For many people, the beauty of casual dating is that it doesn't have to be exclusive. If you've just left a serious relationship, you may not be ready to settle down anytime soon. You might also still be finding yourself—so if one person can't meet all your needs right now, it's okay to focus on you while exploring what you want from a partner.

Dating Exclusively

The halfway point between casual dating and serious relationships is often a gray area of "dating exclusively." This is a great time to feel out whether your partner is right for you. You may not be committed to the long haul yet, but you're both ready to agree that you won't see other people for the time being.

When you've decided to be exclusive, you might treat each other as serious partners without the weight of a full-on relationship. Take time to get to know your partner and understand their values, romantic desires, and interests to ensure they align with yours. It's also a time for exploring what life would be like together—go on dates, try new things, and be vulnerable with your thoughts or concerns. "Good relationships start with good decisions and evaluating your beliefs about relationships and love before you start a relationship is the most important thing you can do. You must be sure that your expectations are realistic in order to have a happy and functional long-term relationship," says licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers, Psy.D. In this stage of dating, it's important to decide whether this person highlights your best self or if you're seeing red flags. "The purpose of a romantic union is to provide support and bring out the best in each other so that each individual has the nourishment and strength to go out in the world and reach [their] life goals."

In a Relationship

Once you've found the right person, a committed relationship can grow. Sometimes one partner might have different views than the other, so be sure to communicate your feelings. This is a time for setting boundaries and discussing your future. The decision to make it official can be exciting, but it's important to set yourselves up for success: Be sure you both expect the same things in terms of commitment, and you're not bringing past burdens to your new S.O.

"Think now about the relationship dynamics that typically evolve over the course of the months or years with your own partners," says expert Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. "Do you have trouble communicating your feelings? Do you tend to get involved in petty arguments? Does it bother you when your partner pays attention to other people?" Issues from previous relationships may carry over, so be honest when evaluating yourself. If you've experienced patterns of problems with your exes, it's possible—even likely—that they could happen again. Take time to communicate any worries to your partner so you both know what is and isn't acceptable in your future.

When to Break Things Off

Breaking up is never easy, but it's safe to say that ghosting is harmful to both people. If you're unhappy with your casual partner, express your feelings while being careful to respect the other person. Another sign that it's time to reconsider your relationship is if you're emotionally cheating. It might feel awkward to break up with someone you're not dating, but it's best to communicate clearly about where you stand. On the flip side, if your casual partner seems like their mind is somewhere else, it may be a sign that they're not planning to make things serious. It's still a good idea to have a conversation to let them know when you don't want to see each other anymore.

Whether you're ready to commit or you decide it's best to be on your own, casual dating has its benefits (even if the relationship ends). Dating different people is a great way to learn what you want in romance—and even learn more about yourself. So when you've met someone you like, regardless of future intentions, be open to exploring. Those laid-back relationships might even be the key to discovering your dream partner.

What Does It Mean to Be Casually Dating—And Is It Right for You?

by Karen Young

Toxic relationships will cause monumental breakage to people, families and workplaces, but they aren’t necessarily the territory of the weak, downtrodden or insecure. Strong, healthy, independent people can find themselves in the white-knuckled grip of a toxic relationship. Similarly, relationships that seem to begin strong because ‘omg we’re soooo in love you guys,’ can dissolve into nothing but ash and legal fees that could have bought a castle on the river Seine, if they weren’t being used to divide half your assets more ‘half-ly’.

Relationships evolve. They change and they grow. Sometimes they crash and they burn. We never know how things will look when each other’s less adorable, kind of awful habits start to show themselves publicly, or under the influence of alcohol or in-laws.

Some relationships are all shades of wrong from the outset (‘Darlin’ you’re so pretty. You’re the image of my ex. See? Here’s her photo. You can keep that one. I have plenty – in my wallet, as my screen saver, on my bedside table, at my mum’s house, on my desk, on my fridge and yeah, all over the place. Sometimes I just, like, hold it in front of me and run backwards and pretend like she’s chasing me. Wanna get some tequila baby?’) Some start off with promise and with all the right ingredients, but somewhere along the way, the right ingredients get replaced with resentment, jealousy, history and hurt.

We love love. Of course we do. Love sends us to joyous, lofty heights that we never want to come down from, but the same heart that can send us into a loved-up euphoria can trip us up and have us falling into something more toxic. The hot pursuit of love can be blinding. Even worse, sometimes it’s not until you’re two kids and a mortgage into the relationship, that you realise something has been missing for a while, and that something is you.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship contaminates your self-esteem, your happiness and the way you see yourself and the world. A toxic person will float through life with a trail of broken hearts, broken relationships and broken people behind them, but toxic relationships don’t necessarily end up that way because the person you fell for turned out to be a toxic one. Relationships can start healthy, but bad feelings, bad history, or long-term unmet needs can fester, polluting the relationship and changing the people in it. It can happen easily and quickly, and it can happen to the strongest people.

Can I fix it?

All relationships are worth the fight, until they’re not. In a toxic relationship there will always be fallout:

• moodiness, anger, unhappiness become the norm;
• you avoid each other more and more;
• work and relationships outside the toxic relationship start to suffer.

If the relationship is toxic, it is highly likely that all the fight in the world won’t change anything because one or both people have emotionally moved on. Perhaps they were never really there in the first place, or not in the way you needed them to be anyway. Even worse, if your relationship is toxic, you will be more and more damaged by staying in it.

Fighting to hold on to something that is not fighting to hold on to you will ruin you. Sometimes the only thing left to do is to let go with grace and love and move on.

What are the signs that I’m in a toxic relationship?

Being aware that the relationship is toxic is vital in protecting yourself from breakage. To stay in a toxic relationship is to keep your hand hovering over the self-destruct button. Not all toxic relationships are easy to leave, but being aware of the signs will make it easier to claim back your power and draw a bold heavy line around what’s allowed into your life and what gets closed out.

Toxic behaviour exists on a spectrum. All people and all relationships do some of these things some of the time – but that doesn’t make them toxic. A toxic relationship is defined by the consistency, the intensity and the damage. Here are some of the signs.

1. It feels bad. All the time.

   You fall asleep hollow and you wake up just as bad. You look at other couples doing their happy couple thing and you feel the sting. Why couldn’t that sort of love happen for you? It can, but first you have to clear the path for it to find you. Leaving a relationship is never easy, but staying for too long in a toxic relationship will make sure any strength, courage and confidence in you are eroded down to nothing. Once that happens, you’re stuck.

2. You’re constantly braced for the ‘gotcha’.

   Sometimes you can see it coming. Sometimes you wouldn’t see it if it was lit with stadium floodlights. Questions become traps. (‘Well would you rather go out with your friends or stay home with me?’) Statements become traps. (‘You seemed to enjoy talking to your boss tonight.’) The relationship is a jungle and somewhere along the way you’ve turned into a hunted thing in a skin suit. When the ‘gotcha’ comes, there’s no forgiveness, just the glory of catching you out. It’s impossible to move forward from this. Everyone makes mistakes, but yours are used as proof that you’re too uninvested, too wrong, too stupid, too something. The only thing you really are is too good to be treated like this.

3. You avoid saying what you need because there’s just no point.

   We all have important needs in relationships. Some of the big ones are connection, validation, appreciation, love, sex, affection. When those needs are mocked or ignored, the emptiness of that unmet need will clamour like an old church bell. If your attempts to talk about what you need end in a fight, a(nother) empty promise, accusations of neediness, insecurity, jealousy or madness you’ll either bury the need or resent that it keeps being overlooked. Either way, it’s toxic.

4. There’s no effort.

   Standing on a dance floor doesn’t make you a dancer, and being physically present in a relationship doesn’t mean there is an investment being made in that relationship. Doing things separately sometimes is healthy, but as with all healthy things, too much is too much. When there is no effort to love you, spend time with you, share the things that are important to you, the relationship stops giving and starts taking too much. There comes a point that the only way to respond to ‘Well I’m here, aren’t I?’ is, ‘Yeah. But maybe better if you weren’t.’

5. All the work, love, compromise comes from you.

   Nobody can hold a relationship together when they are the only one doing the work. It’s lonely and it’s exhausting. If you’re not able to leave the relationship, give what you need to give but don’t give any more than that. Let go of the fantasy that you can make things better if you try hard enough, work hard enough, say enough, do enough. Stop. Just stop. You’re enough. You always have been.

6. When ‘no’ is a dirty word.

   ‘No’ is an important word in any relationship. Don’t strike it from your vocabulary, even in the name of love – especially not in the name of love. Healthy relationships need compromise but they also respect the needs and wants of both people. Communicating what you want is as important for you and the relationship as communicating what you don’t want. Find your ‘no’, give it a polish, and know where the release button is. A loving partner will respect that you’re not going to agree with everything they say or do. If you’re only accepted when you’re saying ‘yes’, it’s probably time to say ‘no’ to the relationship. And if you’re worried about the gap you’re leaving, buy your soon-to-be ex some putty. Problem solved.

7. The score card. Let me show you how wrong you are.

   One of the glorious things about being human is that making mistakes is all part of what we do. It’s how we learn, how we grow, and how we find out the people who don’t deserve us. Even the most loving, committed partners will do hurtful, stupid things sometimes. When those things are brought up over and over, it will slowly kill even the healthiest relationship and keep the ‘guilty’ person small. At some point, there has to be a decision to move on or move out. Having shots continually fired at you based on history is a way to control, shame and manipulate. Healthy relationships nurture your strengths. Toxic ones focus on your weaknesses.

8. There’s a battle – and you’re on your own. Again.

   You and your partner are a team. You need to know that whatever happens, you have each other’s backs, at least publicly. In healthy relationships, when the world starts throwing stones, the couple comes together and fortifies the wall around each other. Toxic relationships often see one person going it alone when it comes to public put-downs. Similarly, when attempts are made from outside the relationship to divide and conquer, the couple is divided and conquered as easily as if they were never together in the first place.

9. Physical or verbal abuse. Or both.

   These are deal-breakers. You know they are.

10. Too much passive-aggressive.

    Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect attack and a cowardly move for control. The toxicity lies in stealing your capacity to respond and for issues to be dealt with directly. The attack is subtle and often disguised as something else, such as anger disguised as indifference ‘whatever’ or ‘I’m fine’; manipulation disguised as permission ‘I’ll just stay at home by myself while you go out and have fun,’ and the worst – a villain disguised as a hero, ‘You seem really tired baby. We don’t have to go out tonight. You just stay in and cook yourself some dinner and I’ll have a few drinks with Svetlana by myself hey? She’s been a mess since the cruise was postponed.’ You know the action or the behaviour was designed to manipulate you or hurt you, because you can feel the scrape, but it’s not obvious enough to respond to the real issue. If it’s worth getting upset about, it’s worth talking about, but passive-aggressive behaviour shuts down any possibility of this.

11. Nothing gets resolved.

    Every relationship will have its issues. In a toxic relationship, nothing gets worked through because any conflict ends in an argument. There is no trust that the other person will have the capacity to deal with the issue in a way that is safe and preserves the connection. When this happens, needs get buried, and in a relationship, unmet needs will always feed resentment.

12. Whatever you’re going through, I’m going through worse.

    In a healthy relationship, both people need their turn at being the supported and the supporter. In a toxic relationship, even if you’re the one in need of support, the focus will always be on the other person. ‘Babe like I know you’re really sick and can’t get out of bed but it’s soooo stressful for me because now I have to go to the party by myself. Next Saturday I get to choose what we do. K? [sad emoji, balloon emoji, heart emoji, another heart emoji, lips emoji].’

13. Privacy? What privacy?

    Unless you’ve done something to your partner that you shouldn’t have, like, you know, forgot you had one on ‘Singles Saturday’, then you deserve to be trusted. Everybody deserves some level of privacy and healthy relationships can trust that this won’t be misused. If your partner constantly goes through your receipts, phone bills, text messages this shows a toxic level of control. It’s demeaning. You’re an adult and don’t need constant supervision.

14. The lies. Oh the lies!

    Lying and cheating will dissolve trust as if it was never there to begin with. Once trust is so far gone, it’s hard to get it back. It might come back in moments or days, but it’s likely that it will always feel fragile – just waiting for the wrong move. A relationship without trust can turn strong, healthy people into something they aren’t naturally – insecure, jealous and suspicious. The toxicity of this lies in the slow erosion of confidence. Sometimes all the fight in the world can’t repair trust when it’s badly broken. Know when enough is enough. It’s not your fault that the trust was broken, but it’s up to you to make sure that you’re not broken next.

15. Big decisions are for important people. And clearly, you’re not one of them.

    If you’re sharing your life with someone, it’s critical that you have a say in the decisions that will affect you. Your partner’s opinions and feelings will always be important, and so are yours. Your voice is an important one. A loving partner in the context of a healthy relationship will value your thoughts and opinions, not pretend that they don’t exist or assume theirs are more important.

I think I might be in a toxic relationship. What now?

If it’s toxic, it’s changing you and it’s time to leave or put up a very big wall. (See here for how.) Be clear about where the relationship starts and where you begin. Keep your distance emotionally and think of it as something to be managed, rather than something to be beaten or understood. Look for the patterns and look for the triggers. Then, be mindful about what is okay and what isn’t. Above all else, know that you are strong, complete and vital. Don’t buy into any tiny-hearted, close-minded push that would have you believe otherwise. You’re amazing.

And finally …

There are plenty of reasons you might end up in a toxic relationship, none of which have nothing to do with strength of character or courage.

Sometimes the toxicity grows and blindsides you and by the time you realise, it’s too late – the cost of leaving might feel too high or there may be limited options.

Toxicity in any relationship doesn’t make sense. In an attempt to make it make sense, you might blame history, circumstance or your own behaviour. The truth is that none of this matters. It doesn’t matter where the toxicity comes from or the reason for it being there.

Love and happiness don’t always go together. The world would run so much smoother if they did, but it just doesn’t happen like that. Love can be a dirty little liar sometimes. So can commitment. Staying in a relationship should never have losing yourself as one of the conditions. You’re far too important for that.

It’s important to make sacrifices in relationships but your happiness, self-esteem and self-respect should always be on the list – always. If a relationship is built on love, it nurtures, restores, replenishes and revives. It doesn’t diminish. It isn’t cruel and it doesn’t ever violate a warm, open heart. Everything you need to be happy is in you. When you are with someone who suffocates those precious parts of you, be alive to the damage they are doing. You owe them nothing, you owe yourself everything. You deserve to thrive and to feel safe, and you deserve to be happy.

[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]

Despite what tweeters waving their red-flag emojis across the internet may suggest, red flags in a relationship aren’t merely (hilarious) pet peeves or conflicting preferences—leaving used floss around the house, hating dessert, not liking cats, really liking cats. But they’re not always obvious deal-breakers, either. Yes, some red flags are redder than others, and certain signals always mean you should stay far, far away (more on that below), but a lot of red flags can be hard to spot.

Red flags are behaviors that give you serious pause (or should give you serious pause)—and that could sometimes indicate a larger pattern, Philadelphia-based practicing couples counselor Folashade Adekunle, M.Ed., tells SELF. A partner who forgets your birthday once? Irritating, yes, but a red flag? Not necessarily. The partner who repeatedly forgets important dates, however, is likely revealing something about who they are and what they value. One reason red flags can be tricky to identify is that so much else in the relationship could be going well. On top of that, it can be hard to pinpoint what, exactly, is making us feel uncomfortable, Adekunle says. Along with noting repeated behaviors, she recommends paying attention to your gut feeling when certain behaviors arise and asking yourself these questions for deeper reflection: Does this behavior make me feel unsafe, uncared for, or bad about myself? If the answer to any of those questions is yes, you’re in red flag territory.

Dulcinea Pitagora, Ph.D., New York City-based psychotherapist and sex therapist, agrees that red flags in a relationship typically show up first as feelings. They recommend checking in with your body to see what physical sensations arise when you contemplate a potential red flag situation—for example, maybe you feel tightness in your chest or your heart rate increases. “It’s also okay if you’re not sure why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling,” Dr. Pitagora tells SELF. “It’s enough to know that something doesn’t feel right and needs to change.”

The bottom line: If your partner’s behavior makes you feel iffy, it’s a sign that something needs to be addressed—either with yourself, with them, or with a therapist. (Or some combination of those options.) Regardless of whether that process leads to a breakup or a breakthrough, it’s important to honor your feelings in order to build self-trust, Dr. Pitagora says. So, on the topic of listening to and trusting yourself, we asked therapists for common relationship red flags worth paying attention to. (If you're looking to get in a relationship, check out some of the best dating apps).  

1. They rush a new relationship forward too quickly.

Popularly referred to as “love bombing,” this red flag isn’t necessarily about the new partner who says “I love you” too soon or who wants to move in together after five dates. Love bombing becomes worrying when “one person is trying to manipulate the other into a situation of dependency,” Adekunle says. If your person is saying things like, “I can’t live without you,” or seeking to isolate you with the fierceness of their affections, those are very concerning signs. Adekunle points out that a fast-moving relationship can be fine so long as it feels right. Remember to check in with your body: If you feel anxious about your partner moving at warp speed, it’s probably a sign to pump the brakes and examine where your feeling is coming from.

2. They describe all of their exes as “crazy.”

Some relationships end so badly that we’re still sour about an ex years down the line—but if your new partner spews vitriol at any and all of their “crazy” former lovers every chance they get, it’s a good clue that they are the problem. When your new partner can’t identify some way that they caused some of their past breakups, that is reason to use “extreme caution,” Gina Senarighi, Ph.D., couples counselor and dating coach tells SELF. “The odds are good that they’re going to lack that same kind of insight now with you,” Dr. Senarighi says. In other words, if you end up dating them, you’ll likely one day join the ranks of those “crazy exes” too. Knowing how to get over a breakup is helpful before moving forward in a new relationship. 

3. They’re rude to people in the service industry.

The good news is that this one should be clear early on before you’re invested in a relationship. Dr. Senarighi explains that because our culture undervalues service industry workers, the way your date talks to the waiter or the Lyft driver will give you great information about their views on social structure, their sense of entitlement, and how they respond when they’re in positions of power. In short, do you want to be with someone who feels it’s their right to be rude to the bartender? If not, order your martini to go.

4. Their dating profile doesn’t match who they really are.

In dating, we all want to put our best foot forward, but “there’s a difference between presenting your best self and being inauthentic,” Dr. Senarighi says. If your date calls himself “an avid hiker” but it turns out that he only wants to walk the paved paths along the golf course, it’s worth taking note. Does he lack self-awareness? Is he trying to present an idealized version of himself because he really wants to be that person? Either way, it’s worth exploring because a lack of self-awareness combined with incongruence between words and actions can cause problems when it comes to conflict resolution down the line, Dr. Senarighi says.

5. The way they express anger makes you feel unsafe.

Anger is normal and if you’re in a relationship, it’s pretty much guaranteed that there will be times when you want to bury your face in the nearest pillow and scream. That said, if your partner gets so angry they punch a wall or break household items, Adekunle notes that they have the potential to escalate those behaviors in the future. Because anger management issues can segue into abuse, Adekunles says that they are often surefire signs to end the relationship immediately.

6. They don’t listen to you.

And we’re not talking about your partner forgetting to pick up eggs or needing to be reminded of the name of your Aunt Beverly’s new husband again. This is about those significant aspects of yourself that you share with your partner, like your interests, your traditions, and the people in your life who make you feel whole. Adekunle says a good question to ask yourself is, “How does this person show care about my interests and the things that are important to me?” She also notes that this red flag can “become yellow” if your partner exhibits change. Communication is key: If you feel like you’re not being seen or heard, Adekunle advises asking your partner, “Do you understand how important this is to me?” If that leads to improvement, great! If not remember that someone who isn’t willing to grow isn’t worth your time.

7. They push your physical boundaries, even in “innocent” ways.

Does your partner refuse to stop tickling you when you tell them to knock it off? Do they continue to touch you in seemingly innocent ways (like hugs, shoulder rubs, or even repeatedly poking you in the arm like a sibling) when you ask for personal space? “Like with all boundaries, we want to ensure that someone is respecting the ways in which we tell them how to treat us,” Adekunle says. The concern here is around escalation. If a partner is pushing physical boundaries, Adekunle advises that it “might be a sign that this person won’t respect these boundaries over time. We want people to be able to hear ‘no’ and ‘stop’ and take us seriously.”

8. You’re hesitant to introduce them to your friends.

Being nervous to introduce your new partner to the other people in your life is normal, but if the thought of bringing everybody together makes you want to hide in the bathtub, that’s worth exploring, Adekunle says. She notes that red flags aren’t always immediately “definable” and that it’s okay if you have to sit with your feelings for a while before you identify what’s making you feel uncomfortable. Why are you avoiding introducing your person to your friends? The answer might help you pinpoint some deeper trouble or concern. You should also consider whether your hesitation really has to do with your partner. Maybe it’s more about your own insecurities or superficial concerns (“What if he wears cargo shorts to brunch?”)—a sign that you may need to work on these issues.

9. Your friends don’t want to spend time with them.

Love can be unobservant, so if your friends aren’t wild about your new partner, that can be a great reality check, Adekunle says. She recommends asking the people who know you best: “What are you seeing about this person that’s giving you pause on wanting to spend time with them or getting to know them?” Be prepared: The answers might be hard to hear, but ultimately important to know.

10. They put you down, even in a teasing way.

“It was only a joke” are not magical words that erase hurtful insults. Excessive sarcasm, a mean sense of humor, or jokes that regularly point out your flaws can represent “a nonconsensual way to leverage power in the relationship,” Dr. Pitagora explains. Adekunle agrees and says there is an important difference between couples who “roast” each other in a consensual, fun way and a partner whose jokes make you feel bad about yourself. Especially concerning: If you tell your partner, “This hurts my feelings,” and their behavior doesn’t change. In that case, this red flag becomes a “non-negotiable,” Adekunle says.

11. They gaslight you.

Gaslighting is emotional manipulation where your partner twists reality, making you doubt your perceptions through denial (“I never said that”) or by blaming you (“You’re too sensitive”). Not only is it abusive, but it’s also very difficult to identify. “The partner waving this red flag may use the other partner’s vulnerabilities against them, making the gaslit partner believe that they are to blame for whatever the problem is, and making it difficult to know whether they’re actually seeing a red flag or not,” Dr. Pitagora says. Because gaslighting can leave you second-guessing yourself, Dr. Pitagora advises seeking the support of people who make you feel safe—like a therapist or trusted loved one—to discuss what you’re feeling and get more clarity on your partner’s behavior.

12. They’re prejudiced.

Whether your date peppers you with microaggressions (“What are you?”) or expresses more overtly racist, sexist, homophobic, or transphobic views, this red flag can fall into the category of abusive behaviors, Dr. Pitagora notes. How you choose to respond in the moment depends on the situation and how safe you feel. Dr. Pitagora advises that those “without the comfort, energy, resources, or support to speak up about someone’s offensive behavior” can end the interaction and should not feel beholden to explain why. You can say something like, “This isn’t working for me” and leave it at that. “With unsafe folks, it’s okay to ghost them,” Dr. Senarighi says. If you’re comfortable with the other person, however, you can tell them that their comments are harmful and see if they’re willing to address and correct their behavior. If they’re defensive and unwilling to grow, yep, that’s another red flag.

13. They respond poorly when you take time away from them.

We’ve all been in that fluttery stage of a relationship when spending every moment together feels like you’re living inside the “Crazy in Love” music video (remember those?). But what happens when that fades? Dr. Senarighi notes that spending too much time with your partner can make you lose your sense of self and your support systems. Taking space for yourself in a relationship is healthy, as is paying attention to how your partner responds when you do. If they pout or guilt-trip you or get angry, Dr. Senarighi says those behaviors could represent an inability to manage discomfort, or point to possessiveness. Your partner could also simply struggle with meeting their own emotional needs, which isn’t a crime but is something they’ll have to resolve if they want to be in a healthy relationship in the long term.

14. They rely on you as their sole support for serious mental health issues or past traumas.

“It’s not that people with trauma can’t have great relationships, they absolutely can,” Dr. Senarighi notes. The same goes for people with mental illness. And, to be clear, it’s not that people with trauma or mental health issues can only have wonderful relationships when they’re completely “healed,” or some other similar and potentially unattainable benchmark. It’s more about aspects like: Are they self-aware about how their trauma or mental health issues affect themselves and others? Are they receiving some kind of support or otherwise trying to heal? Seeking this kind of help can look like going to therapy, attending support groups, progressing through mental health workbooks, or even forging strong friendships outside of your relationship. 

Meeting socially intending a future relationship

For other uses, see Dating (disambiguation).

"Double date" redirects here. For other uses, see Double date (disambiguation).

Dating is a stage of romantic relationships whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a future intimate relationship. It represents a form of courtship, consisting of social activities carried out by the couple, either alone or with others. The protocols and practices of dating, and the terms used to describe it, vary considerably from society to society and over time. While the term has several meanings, the most frequent usage refers to two people exploring whether they are romantically or sexually compatible by participating in dates with the other. With the use of modern technology, people can date via telephone or computer or arrange to meet in person.

Dating may also involve two or more people who have already decided that they share romantic or sexual feelings toward each other. These people may have dates on a regular basis, and they may or may not be having sexual relations. This period of courtship is sometimes seen^{[by whom?]} as a precursor to engagement.^[1][2] Some cultures^[which?] require or encourage people to wait until reaching a certain age before beginning dating,^{[3][failed verification]} which has become a source of controversy.^{[citation needed]}

History[edit]

Dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which has mainly emerged in the last few centuries. From the standpoint of anthropology and sociology, dating is linked with other institutions such as marriage and the family which have also been changing rapidly and which have been subject to many forces, including advances in technology and medicine. As humans societies have evolved from hunter-gatherers into civilized societies, there have been substantial changes in relations between people, with perhaps one of a few remaining biological constants being that both adult women and men must have sexual intercourse for human procreation to happen.

Humans have been compared to other species in terms of sexual behavior. NeurobiologistRobert Sapolsky constructed a reproductive spectrum with opposite poles being tournament species, in which males compete fiercely for reproductive privileges with females, and pair bond arrangements, in which a male and female will bond for life.^[4] According to Sapolsky, humans are somewhat in the middle of this spectrum, in the sense that humans form pair bonds, but there is the possibility of cheating or changing partners.^[4] These species-particular behavior patterns provide a context for aspects of human reproduction, including dating. However, one particularity of the human species is that pair bonds are often formed without necessarily having the intention of reproduction. In modern times, emphasis on the institution of marriage, traditionally described as a male-female bond, has obscured pair bonds formed by same-sex and transgender couples, and that many heterosexual couples also bond for life without offspring, or that often pairs that do have offspring separate. Thus, the concept of marriage is changing widely in many countries.

Historically, marriages in most societies were arranged by parents and older relatives with the goal not being love but legacy and "economic stability and political alliances", according to anthropologists.^[5] Accordingly, there was little need for a temporary trial period such as dating before a permanent community-recognized union was formed between a man and a woman. While pair-bonds of varying forms were recognized by most societies as acceptable social arrangements, marriage was reserved for heterosexual pairings and had a transactional nature, where wives were in many cases a form of property being exchanged between father and husband, and who would have to serve the function of reproduction. Communities exerted pressure on people to form pair-bonds in places such as Europe; in China, society "demanded people get married before having a sexual relationship"^[6] and many societies found that some formally recognized bond between a man and a woman was the best way of rearing and educating children as well as helping to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings regarding competition for mates.

Generally, during much of recorded history of humans in civilization, and into the Middle Ages in Europe, weddings were seen as business arrangements between families, while romance was something that happened outside of marriage discreetly, such as covert meetings.^[7] The 12th-century book The Art of Courtly Love advised that "True love can have no place between husband and wife."^[7] According to one view, clandestine meetings between men and women, generally outside of marriage or before marriage, were the precursors to today's dating.^[7]

From about 1700 a worldwide movement perhaps described as the "empowerment of the individual" took hold, leading towards greater emancipation of women and equality of individuals. Men and women became more equal politically, financially, and socially in many nations. Women eventually won the right to vote in many countries and own property and receive equal treatment by the law, and these changes had profound impacts on the relationships between men and women. Parental influence declined. In many societies, individuals could decide—on their own—whether they should marry, whom they should marry, and when they should marry. A few centuries ago, dating was sometimes described as a "courtship ritual where young women entertained gentleman callers, usually in the home, under the watchful eye of a chaperone,"^[8] but increasingly, in many Western countries, it became a self-initiated activity with two young people going out as a couple in public together. Still, dating varies considerably by nation, custom, religious upbringing, technology, and social class, and important exceptions with regards to individual freedoms remain as many countries today still practice arranged marriages, request dowries, and forbid same-sex pairings. Although in many countries, movies, meals, and meeting in coffeehouses and other places is now popular, as are advice books suggesting various strategies for men and women,^[9] in other parts of the world, such as in South Asia and many parts of the Middle East, being alone in public as a couple is not only frowned upon but can even lead to either person being socially ostracized.

In the twentieth century, dating was sometimes seen as a precursor to marriage but it could also be considered as an end-in-itself, that is, an informal social activity akin to friendship. It generally happened in that portion of a person's life before the age of marriage,^[10] but as marriage became less permanent with the advent of divorce, dating could happen at other times in peoples lives as well. People became more mobile.^[11] Rapidly developing technology played a huge role: new communication technology such as the telephone,^[12]Internet^[13] and text messaging^[14] enabled dates to be arranged without face-to-face contact. Cars extended the range of dating as well as enabled back-seat sexual exploration. In the mid-twentieth century, the advent of birth control as well as safer procedures for abortion changed the equation considerably, and there was less pressure to marry as a means for satisfying sexual urges. New types of relationships formed; it was possible for people to live together without marrying and without children. Information about human sexuality grew, and with it an acceptance of all types of consensual sexual orientations is becoming more common. Today, the institution of dating continues to evolve at a rapid rate with new possibilities and choices opening up particularly through online dating.

Etymology[edit]

The word "dating" entered the American language during the 1920s. Prior to that, courtship was a matter of family and community interest. Starting around the time of the Civil War, courtship became a private matter for couples.^[15]

As a social relationship[edit]

Wide variation in behavior patterns[edit]

And the only rule is that there are no rules.

— Kira Cochrane^[16]

Social rules regarding dating vary considerably according to variables such as country, social class, race, religion, age, sexual orientation and gender. Behavior patterns are generally unwritten and constantly changing. There are considerable differences between social and personal values. Each culture has particular patterns which determine such choices as whether the man asks the woman out, where people might meet, whether kissing is acceptable on a first date, the substance of conversation, who should pay for meals or entertainment,^[17][18] or whether splitting expenses is allowed. Among the Karen people in Burma and Thailand, women are expected to write love poetry and give gifts to win over the man.^{[19][citation needed]} Since dating can be stressful, there is the possibility of humor to try to reduce tensions. For example, director Blake Edwards wanted to date singing star Julie Andrews, and he joked in parties about her persona by saying that her "endlessly cheerful governess" image from movies such as Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music gave her the image of possibly having "lilacs for pubic hair";^[20] Andrews appreciated his humor, sent him lilacs, dated him and later married him, and the couple stayed together for 41 years until his death in 2010.^[20]

Different meanings of the term[edit]

While the term dating has many meanings, the most common refers to a trial period in which two people explore whether to take the relationship further towards a more permanent relationship; in this sense, dating refers to the time when people are physically together in public as opposed to the earlier time period in which people are arranging the date, perhaps by corresponding by email or text or phone.^[21] Another meaning of the term dating is to describe a stage in a person's life when he or she is actively pursuing romantic relationships with different people. If two unmarried celebrities are seen in public together, they are often described as "dating" which means they were seen in public together, and it is not clear whether they are merely friends, exploring a more intimate relationship, or are romantically involved. A related sense of the term is when two people have been out in public only a few times but have not yet committed to a relationship; in this sense, dating describes an initial trial period and can be contrasted with "being in a committed relationship".

Evaluation[edit]

One of the main purposes of dating is for two or more people to evaluate one another's suitability as a long term companion or spouse.^{[citation needed]} Often physical characteristics, personality, financial status, and other aspects of the involved persons are judged and, as a result, feelings can be hurt and confidence shaken. Because of the uncertainty of the whole situation, the desire to be acceptable to the other person, and the possibility of rejection, dating can be very stressful for all parties involved. Some studies have shown that dating tends to be extremely difficult for people with social anxiety disorder.^[22]

While some of what happens on a date is guided by an understanding of basic, unspoken rules, there is considerable room to experiment, and there are numerous sources of advice available.^[23][24][25] Sources of advice include magazine articles,^[21] self-help books, dating coaches, friends, and many other sources.^[26][27][28] And the advice given can pertain to all facets of dating, including such aspects as where to go, what to say, what not to say, what to wear, how to end a date, how to flirt,^[29] and differing approaches regarding first dates versus subsequent dates.^[30] In addition, advice can apply to periods before a date, such as how to meet prospective partners,^[25][30] as well as after a date, such as how to break off a relationship.^{[31][32][33][34][35][36][37][excessive citations]}

There are now more than 500 businesses worldwide that offer dating coach services—with almost 350 of those operating in the U.S. And the number of these businesses has surged since 2005^{[38][needs update]} Frequency of dating varies by person and situation; among singles actively seeking partners, 36% had been on no dates in the past three months, 13% had one date, 22% had two to four dates and 25% had five or more dates, according to a 2005 U.S. survey.^[39]

The copulatory gaze, looking lengthily at a new possible partner, brings you straight into a sparring scenario; you will stare for two to three seconds when you first spy each other, then look down or away before bringing your eyes in sync again. This may be combined with displacement gestures, small repetitive fiddles that signal a desire to speed things up and make contact. When approaching a stranger you want to impress, exude confidence in your stance, even if you're on edge. Pull up to your full height in a subtle chest-thrust pose, which arches your back, puffs out your upper body and pushes out your buttocks. Roll your shoulders back and down and relax your facial expression.^{[excessive quote]}

— Judi James in The Guardian, ^[40]

Meeting places[edit]

Ballroom dancing is one way to get to know somebody on a date.

There are numerous ways to meet potential dates, including blind dates, classified ads, dating websites, hobbies, holidays, office romance, social networking, speed dating, or simply talking in public places, vehicles or houses. A Pew study in 2005 which examined Internet users in long-term relationships including marriage, found that many met by contacts at work or at school.^[39] The survey found that 55% of relationship-seeking singles agreed that it was "difficult to meet people where they live."^[39] Work is a common place to meet potential spouses, although there are some indications that the Internet is overtaking the workplace as an introduction venue.^[41] In Britain, one in five marry a co-worker, but half of all workplace romances end within three months.^[42] One drawback of office dating is that a bad date can lead to "workplace awkwardness."^[43]

Gender differences[edit]

There is a general perception that men and women approach dating differently, hence the reason why advice for each sex varies greatly, particularly when dispensed by popular magazines. For example, it is a common belief that heterosexual men often seek women based on beauty and youth.^[44][45]Psychology researchers at the University of Michigan suggested that men prefer women who seem to be "malleable and awed", and prefer younger women with subordinate jobs such as secretaries and assistants and fact-checkers rather than executive-type women.^[46] Online dating patterns suggest that men are more likely to initiate online exchanges (over 75%) and extrapolate that men are less "choosy", seek younger women, and "cast a wide net".^[23] In a similar vein, the stereotype for heterosexual women is that they seek well-educated men who are their age or older with high-paying jobs.^[44] Evolutionary psychology suggests that "women are the choosier of the genders" since "reproduction is a much larger investment for women" who have "more to lose by making bad choices."^[47]

All of these are examples of gender stereotypes which plague dating discourse and shape individuals' and societies' expectations of how heterosexual relationships should be navigated. In addition to the detrimental effects of upholding limited views of relationships and sexual and romantic desires, stereotypes also lead to framing social problems in a problematic way. For example, some^[who?] have noted that educated women in many countries including Italy and Russia,^{[citation needed]} and the United States find it difficult to have a career as well as raise a family, prompting a number of writers to suggest how women should approach dating and how to time their careers and personal life. The advice comes with the assumption that the work-life balance is inherently a "woman's problem." In many societies, there is a view that women should fulfill the role of primary caregivers, with little to no spousal support and with few services by employers or government such as parental leave or child care. Accordingly, an issue regarding dating is the subject of career timing which generates controversy. Some views reflect a traditional notion of gender roles. For example, Danielle Crittenden in What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us argued that having both a career and family at the same time was taxing and stressful for a woman; as a result, she suggested that women should date in their early twenties with a seriousness of purpose, marry when their relative beauty permitted them to find a reliable partner, have children, then return to work in their early thirties with kids in school; Crittenden acknowledged that splitting a career path with a ten-year baby-raising hiatus posed difficulties.^[48] There are contrasting views which suggest that women should focus on careers in their twenties and thirties.^{[citation needed]}

In studies comparing children with heterosexual families and children with homosexual families, there have been no major differences noted; though some claims suggest that kids with homosexual parents end up more well adjusted than their peers with heterosexual parents, purportedly due to the lack of marginalizing gender roles in same-sex families.^[49]

It is increasingly common today, however, with new generations and in a growing number of countries, to frame the work-life balance issue as a social problem rather than a gender problem. With the advent of a changing workplace, the increased participation of women in the labor force, an increasing number of men who are picking up their share of parenting and housework,^[50] and more governments and industries committing themselves to achieving gender equality, the question of whether or not, or when to start a family is slowly being recognized as an issue that touches (or should touch) both genders.

Love[edit]

The prospect of love often entails anxiety, sometimes with a fear of commitment ^[51] and a fear of intimacy for persons of both sexes.^[52] One woman said "being really intimate with someone in a committed sense is kind of threatening" and described love as "the most terrifying thing."^[53] In her Psychology Today column, research scientist, columnist, and author Debby Herbenick compared it to a roller coaster:

There's something wonderful, I think, about taking chances on love and sex. ... Going out on a limb can be roller-coaster scary because none of us want to be rejected or to have our heart broken. But so what if that happens? I, for one, would rather fall flat on my face as I serenade my partner (off-key and all) in a bikini and a short little pool skirt than sit on the edge of the pool, dipping my toes in silence.

— ^[54]

One dating adviser agreed that love is risky, and wrote that "There is truly only one real danger that we must concern ourselves with and that is closing our hearts to the possibility that love exists."^[55]

Controversy[edit]

Anthropologist Helen Fisher in 2008

What happens in the dating world can reflect larger currents within popular culture. For example, when the 1995 book The Rules appeared, it touched off media controversy about how men and women should relate to each other, with different positions taken by columnist Maureen Dowd of The New York Times^[56] and British writer Kira Cochrane of The Guardian^[57] and others.^[58][59] It has even caused anthropologists such as Helen Fisher to suggest that dating is a game designed to "impress and capture" which is not about "honesty" but "novelty", "excitement" and even "danger", which can boost dopamine levels in the brain.^[60] The subject of dating has spun off popular culture terms such as the friend zone which refers to a situation in which a dating relation evolves into a platonic non-sexual union.^{[61][62][63][64]}

Risks of violence[edit]

Since people dating often do not know each other well,^{[citation needed]} there is the risk of violence, including date rape. According to one report, there was a 10% chance of violence between students happening between a boyfriend and girlfriend, sometimes described as "intimate partner violence", over a 12–month period.^[65] A 2004 estimate was that 20% of U.S. high school girls aged 14–18 were "hit, slapped, shoved or forced into sexual activity".^[66] Violence while dating isn't limited to any one culture or group or religion, but remains an issue in different countries.^[67] (It is usually the female who is the victim, but there have been cases where males have been hurt as well.) Sara McCorquodale suggests that women meeting strangers on dates meet initially in busy public places, share details of upcoming dates with friends or family so they know where they'll be and who they'll be with, avoid revealing one's surname or address, and conduct searches on them on the Internet prior to the date.^[68] One advisor suggested: Don't leave drinks unattended; have an exit plan if things go badly; and ask a friend to call you on your cell phone an hour into the date to ask how it's going.^[68]

Technology[edit]

Map showing the most popular social media applications, by country; Facebook is dominant in 2019.

The Internet is shaping the way new generations date. Facebook, Skype, WhatsApp, and other applications have made remote connections possible. Particularly for the LGBTQ+ community, where the dating pool can be more difficult to navigate due to discrimination and having a 'minority' status in society.

Online dating tools are an alternate way to meet potential dates.^[69][70] Many people use smartphone apps such as Tinder, Grindr, or Bumble which allow a user to accept or reject another user with a single swipe of a finger.^[71] Some critics have suggested that matchmaking algorithms are imperfect and are "no better than chance" for the task of identifying acceptable partners.^[71] Others have suggested that the speed and availability of emerging technologies may be undermining the possibility for couples to have long-term meaningful relationships when finding a replacement partner has potentially become too easy.^[71]

Worldwide[edit]

Dating customs and habits vary considerably throughout the world. The average duration of courtship before proceeding to engagement or marriage varies considerably throughout the world.^[72]

Africa[edit]

Ethiopia[edit]

According to one source, there are four ways that marriage can happen among the Nyangatom people: (1) arranged marriage, when well-respected elders are sent to the girl's family on behalf of the boy's family; (2) courtship or dating after a friendly meeting between boy and girl such as at a market place or holiday where there's dancing; (3) abduction, such as during a blood feud between families; (4) inheritance.^[73]

North Africa[edit]

In North Africa like in many parts of the Middle East, sex without marriage is considered unacceptable. Dating in North Africa is predominantly done under family supervision, usually in a public place.^{[citation needed]}

Asia[edit]

Asia is a mix of traditional approaches with involvement by parents and extended families such as arranged marriages as well as modern dating. In many cultural traditions, including some in South Asia,^[74] and the Middle East^[75] and to some extent East Asia, as in the case of Omiai in Japan and the similar "Xiangqin" (相親) practiced in the Greater China Area, a date may be arranged by a third party, who may be a family member, acquaintance, or professional matchmaker.

China[edit]

See also: Shanghai marriage market

Patterns of dating are changing in China, with increased modernization bumping into traditional ways.

A 2003 report in China Daily suggested that dating for most Chinese university women was "difficult", required work, stole time away from academic advancement, and placed women in a precarious position of having to balance personal success against traditional Chinese relationships.^[76] Many women were reported to have high standards for men they sought, but also worried that their academic credentials could "scare away more traditional Chinese men."^[76] It was reportedly difficult finding places to have privacy, since many dormitory rooms had eight or more pupils in one suite, while dating in restaurants tended to be expensive.^[76] One student remarked: "American couples drink and dance together. But in China, we study together."^[76]

Romantic love is more difficult during times of financial stress, and economic forces can encourage singles, particularly women, to select a partner primarily on financial considerations. Some men postpone marriage until their financial position is more secure and use wealth to help attract women. One trend is towards exclusive matchmaking events for the 'rich and powerful'; for example, an annual June event in Wuhan with expensive entry-ticket prices for men (99,999 RMB) lets financially secure men choose so-called bikini brides based on their beauty and education, and the financial exclusivity of the event was criticized by the official news outlet China Daily.^[77] Surveys though from 2015 to 2018 suggest that the majority of Chinese respondents (especially college students) would place the character and personality of their partners above material assets,^{[78][79][80][81][82]} with also increasing acceptance towards evenly splitting bills or going Dutch.^[83][84][85]

There have been conflicting reports on expatriate dating in China's capital city. One account in 2006 suggested the dating scene in Beijing to be "sad" with particular difficulties for foreign women hoping to find romance.^[86] It was reportedly due to the cold, uninterested, or unappealing attitudes of the male expats and the shyness and cultural differences of the Chinese men,^[86] and another account in 2010 documented similar, if slightly improved results.^[87] A different report in 2010, though, suggested that some Chinese men preferred Western women, viewing them as less girlish and materialistic, and also more independent and straightforward than Chinese women.^[88] A 2016 survey of Chinese students abroad, however, imply there have been significant barriers to foreign dating,^[89] and the intermarriage rate of Chinese women in Shanghai has been decreasing.^[90]

A new format of Internet "QQ" chat rooms is gaining ground against so-called "traditional dating agencies" in Changsha (Hunan Province); the QQ rooms have 20,000 members, and service is much less expensive than dating agencies which can charge 100 to 200 yuan ($13 to US$26) per introduction.^[91] Internet dating, with computer-assisted matchmaking, is becoming more prevalent; one site supposedly has 23 million registered users.^[92]Speed dating has come to Shanghai and other cities.^[93][94] Worldwide online matchmakers have explored entering the Chinese market via partnerships or acquisitions.^[95]

Each year, November 11 has become an unofficial holiday^[96] known as China's Singles' Day when singles are encouraged to make an extra effort to find a partner.^[97] Worried parents of unmarried children often arrange dates for their offspring on this day as well as others.^[97] Before the day approaches, thousands of college students and young workers post messages describing their plans for this day. In Arabic numerals, the day looks like "1111", that is, "like four single people standing together", and there was speculation that it originated in the late 1990s when college students celebrated being single with "a little self-mockery"^[96] but a differing explanation dates it back to events in the Roman Empire.^[96] For many, Singles' Day offers people a way to "demonstrate their stance on love and marriage".^[96] In 2005, a government-sponsored agency called Shanghai Women's Activities Centre (Chinese: Jinguoyuan) organized periodic matchmaking events often attended by parents.^[98]

There has been concern that young people's views of marriage have changed because of economic opportunities, with many choosing deliberately not to get married,^[96] as well as young marrieds who have decided not to have children, or to postpone having them.^[97] Cohabiting relationships are tolerated more often.^[6] Communities where people live but do not know each other well are becoming more common in China like elsewhere, leading to fewer opportunities to meet somebody locally without assistance.^[97]Divorce rates are rising in cities such as Shanghai, which recorded 27,376 divorces in 2004, an increase of 30% from 2003.^[97]

Relationships between students preparing for college are frowned upon by many parents in China. There was a report that sexual relations among middle schoolers in Guangzhou sometimes resulted in abortions.^[99] There have been reports of scams involving get-rich-quick schemes; a forty-year-old migrant worker was one of a thousand seduced by an advertisement which read "Rich woman willing to pay 3 million yuan for sperm donor" but the worker was cheated out of his savings of 190,000 yuan (US$27,500).^[100]

The dating game show If You Are the One, titled after Chinese personal ads, featured some provocative contestants making sexual allusions and the show reportedly ran afoul of authorities and had to change its approach.^[101] The two-host format involves a panel of 24 single women questioning a man to decide if he'll remain on the show; if he survives, he can choose a girl to date; the show gained notoriety for controversial remarks and opinions such as model Ma Nuo saying she'd prefer to "weep in a BMW than laugh on a bike", who was later banned from making appearances.^[102]

India[edit]

Indian dating is heavily influenced by the custom of arranged marriages which require little dating, although there are strong indications that the institution is undergoing change, and that love marriages are becoming more accepted as India becomes more intertwined with the rest of the world. In the cities at least, it is becoming more accepted for two people to meet and try to find if there is compatibility.^[103]

The majority of Indian marriages are arranged by parents and relatives, and one estimate is that 7 of every 10 marriages are arranged.^[104] Sometimes the bride and groom don't meet until the wedding, and there is no courtship or wooing before the joining.^[72] In the past, it meant that couples were chosen from the same caste and religion and economic status.^[105] There is widespread support for arranged marriages generally. Writer Lavina Melwani described a happy marriage which had been arranged by the bride's father, and noted that during the engagement, the woman was allowed to go out with him before they were married on only one occasion; the couple married and found happiness.^[106] Supporters of arranged marriage suggest that there is a risk of having the marriage fall apart whether it was arranged by relatives or by the couple themselves, and that what's important is not how the marriage came to be but what the couple does after being married.^[106] Parents and relatives exert considerable influence, sometimes posting matrimonial ads in newspapers and online.^[105] Customs encourage families to put people together, and discourage sexual experimentation as well as so-called serial courtship in which a prospective bride or groom dates but continually rejects possible partners, since the interests of the family are seen as more important than the romantic needs of the people marrying.^[2] Indian writers, such as Mistry in his book Family Matters, sometimes depict arranged marriages as unhappy.^[107] Writer Sarita Sarvate of India Currents thinks people calculate their "value" on the "Indian marriage market" according to measures such as family status, and that arranged marriages typically united spouses who often didn't love each other.^[108] She suggested love was out of place in this world because it risked passion and "sordid" sexual liaisons.^[108] Love, as she sees it, is "Waking up in the morning and thinking about someone."^[108] Writer Jennifer Marshall described the wife in an arranged marriage as living in a world of solitude without much happiness, and feeling pressured by relatives to conceive a son so she wouldn't be considered as "barren" by her husband's family; in this sense, the arranged marriage didn't bring "love, happiness, and companionship."^[109] Writer Vijaysree Venkatraman believes arranged marriages are unlikely to disappear soon, commenting in his book review of Shoba Narayan's Monsoon Diary, which has a detailed description of the steps involved in a present-day arranged marriage.^[110] There are indications that even the institution of arranged marriages is changing, with marriages increasingly being arranged by "unknown, unfamiliar sources" and less based on local families who know each other.^[104] Writer Lavina Melwani in Little India compared Indian marriages to business deals:

Until recently, Indian marriages had all the trappings of a business transaction involving two deal-making families, a hardboiled matchmaker and a vocal board of shareholders – concerned uncles and aunts. The couple was almost incidental to the deal. They just dressed and showed up for the wedding ceremony. And after that the onus was on them to adjust to the 1,001 relatives, get to know each other and make the marriage work.

— Lavina Melwani, ^[105]

Relationships in which dating is undertaken by two people, who choose their dates without parental involvement and sometimes carry on clandestine get-togethers, has become increasingly common. When this leads to a wedding, the resulting unions are sometimes called love marriages. There are increasing instances when couples initiate contact on their own, particularly if they live in a foreign country; in one case, a couple met surreptitiously over a game of cards.^[105] Indians who move abroad to Britain or America often follow the cultural patterns of their new country: for example, one Indian woman met a white American man while skiing, and married him, and the formerly "all-important relatives" were reduced to bystanders trying to influence things ineffectively.^[105] Factors operating worldwide, such as increased affluence, the need for longer education, and greater mobility have lessened the appeal for arranged marriages, and these trends have affected criteria about which possible partners are acceptable, making it more likely that pairings will cross previously impenetrable barriers such as caste or ethnic background.^[105]Indian Americans in the U.S. sometimes participate in Singles Meets organized by websites which happen about once a month, with 100 participants at each event; an organizer did not have firm statistics about the success rate leading to a long-term relationship but estimated about one in every ten members finds a partner through the site.^[111]

Dating websites are gaining ground in India. Writer Rupa Dev preferred websites which emphasized authenticity and screened people before entering their names into their databases, making it a safer environment overall, so that site users can have greater trust that it is safe to date others on the site.^[112] Dev suggested that dating websites were much better than the anonymous chatrooms of the 1990s.^[112]

During the interval before marriage, whether it is an arranged or a love marriage, private detectives have been hired to check up on a prospective bride or groom, or to verify claims about a potential spouse made in newspaper advertising, and there are reports that such snooping is increasing.^[104] Detectives investigate former amorous relationships and can include fellow college students, former police officers skilled in investigations, and medical workers "with access to health records."^[104]

Transsexuals and eunuchs have begun using Internet dating in some states in India.^[113]

The practice of dating runs against some religious traditions, and one particular Hindu group Sri Ram Sena threatened to "force unwed couples" to marry, if they were discovered dating on Valentine's Day; a fundamentalist leader said "drinking and dancing in bars and celebrating this day has nothing to do with Hindu traditions."^[114] The threat sparked a protest via the Internet which resulted in cartloads of pink panties being sent to the fundamentalist leader's office.^[114] as part of the Pink Chaddi Campaign (Pink Underwear/Panties Campaign). Another group, Akhil Bharatiya Hindu Mahasabha, threatened to do the same, for which it was severely mocked online^[115] and on the day after Valentine's Day, had protesters outside its Delhi headquarters, with people (mockingly) complaining that it did not fulfill its "promise",^[116] with some having come with materials for the wedding rituals.

Japan[edit]

There is a type of courtship called Omiai in which parents hire a matchmaker to give resumes and pictures to potential mates for their approval, leading to a formal meeting with parents and matchmaker attending.^[117] If the couple has a few dates, they're often pressured by the matchmaker and parents to decide whether or not to marry.^[117]

Korea[edit]

The reasons for dating in Korea are various. Research conducted by Saegye Daily showed that teenagers choose to date for reasons such as "to become more mature," "to gain consultation on worries, or troubles," or "to learn the difference between boys and girls," etc.^[118] Similarly, a news report in MK Daily showed that the primary reasons for dating for workers of around ages 20–30 are "emotional stability," "marriage," "someone to spend time with," etc.^[119] An interesting feature in the reasons for dating in Korea is that many Koreans are somewhat motivated to find a date due to the societal pressure that often views single persons as incompetent.^[120]

Present Korean dating shows a changing attitude due to the influence of tradition and modernization. There are a lot of Confucian ideas and practices that still saturate South Korean culture and daily life as traditional values.^[121] Patriarchy in Korea has been grounded on Confucian culture that postulated hierarchical social orders according to age and sex.^[122] Patriarchy is "a system of social structure and practices in which men dominate, oppress and exploit women” which is well reflected in the ways of dating in Korea.^[123] Adding to it, there is an old saying that says a boy and a girl should not sit together after they have reached the age of seven. It is one of the old teachings of Confucianism^[124] and reveals its inclination toward conservatism.

Most Koreans tend to regard dating as a precursor to marriage. According to a survey conducted by Gyeonggi-do Family Women's Researcher on people of age 26–44, 85.7% of respondents replied as ‘willing to get married’. There is no dating agency but the market for marriage agencies are growing continuously.^[125] DUO and Gayeon are one of the major marriage agencies in Korea. Also, "Mat-sun", the blind date which is usually based on the premise of marriage, is held often among ages of late 20s to 30s.^[126] But the late trend is leaning towards the separation between dating and marriage unlike the conservative ways of the past.^[127] In the survey conducted by a marriage agency, of 300 single males and females who were asked of their opinions on marrying their lovers, about only 42% of the males and 39% of the females said yes.^[128] There are also cases of dating without the premise of marriage. However, the majority still takes getting into a relationship seriously.

Dating in Korea is also considered a necessary activity supported by society.^[120] Korean adults are constantly questioned whether or not they are dating by the people around them.^[120] During family gatherings on holidays one of the questions that people hate getting asked the most is related to marriage.^[129] According to a survey it was the highest ranked by 47.3 percent.^[129]

College students in their sophomore to junior year who have not been in a relationship feel anxious that they are falling behind amongst their peers. Most of them try "sogaeting", going out on a blind date, for the first time to get into a relationship. Dating is a duty that most people feel they must take on to not seem incompetent.^[130] In recent trends, even dramas such as “”Shining Romance” (“빛나는 로맨스”), and “Jang Bo-ri is Here!” (“왔다 장보리”), and in a variety show called, “Dad! Where Are We Going?” (“아빠 어디가?”) there are elementary children confessing their love.

Dating has also been depicted to be an activity of fun and happiness. There are Korean TV programs that film celebrities together as married couples supporting this depiction of dating such as “We Got Married” (“우리 결혼했어요”), “With You” (“님과 함께”) and “The Man Who Gets Married Daily” (“매일 결혼 하는 남자.”)^[130]

According to a survey by wedding consulting agency, men consider a physical relation as a catalyst of love, otherwise, women regard it as a confirmation of affection. Adding to it, both 79.2% of men and 71.0% of women stated that how deep their physical relation in dating is concerned in the decision of whether to marry.^[131]

Pakistan[edit]

Marriages and courtship in Pakistan are influenced by traditional cultural practices similar to those elsewhere in the Indian subcontinent as well as Muslim norms and manners. Illegitimate relationships before marriage are considered a social taboo and social interaction between unmarried men and women is encouraged at a modest and healthy level. Couples are usually wedded through either an arranged marriage or love marriage. Love marriages are those in which the individuals have chosen a partner whom they like by their own choice prior to marriage, and usually occur with the consent of parents and family. Arranged marriages on the other hand are marriages which are set and agreed by the families or guardians of the two individuals where the couple may not have met before. In either cases and in consistency with traditional marital practices, individuals who marry are persuaded to meet and talk to each other for some time before considering marrying so that they can check their compatibility.

Singapore[edit]

Singapore's largest dating service, SDU, Social Development Unit, is a government-run dating system. The original SDU, which controversially promoted marriages among university graduate singles, no longer exists today. On 28 January 2009, it was merged with SDS [Social Development Services], which just as controversially promoted marriages among non-graduate singles. The merged unit, SDN Social Development Network seeks to promote meaningful relationships, with marriage touted as a top life goal, among all resident [Singapore] singles within a conducive network environment of singles, relevant commercial and public entities.

Taiwan[edit]

One report suggested that in southern Taiwan, "traditional rules of courtship" still apply despite the influence of popular culture; for example, men continue to take the initiative in forming relationships.^[132] A poll in 2009 of students at high schools and vocational schools found that over 90% admitted that they had "no clear idea of how to approach someone of the opposite sex who interested them". What caused relationships to break up? 60% said "changes of heart" or "cheating". Dating more than one person at a time was not permissible, agreed 70%.

Iran[edit]

People of different sexes are not allowed to "mix freely" in public.^[133] Since 1979, the state has become a religious autocracy, and imposes Islamic edicts on matters such as dating. Clerics run officially sanctioned internet dating agencies with strict rules.^[133] Prospective couples can have three meetings: two with strict supervision inside the center, and the third being a "brief encounter on their own"; afterwards, they can either (1) choose to marry or (2) agree to never see each other again.^[133] This has become the subject of a film by Iranian filmmaker Leila Lak.^[133] Iran has a large population of young people with 70 percent of the 83-million population being under the age of thirty.^[134] However, economic hardship discourages marriage, and divorce rates have increased in Tehran to around a quarter of marriages,^[134] even though divorce is taboo.^[134] While the Iranian government "condemns dating and relationships", it promotes marriage with (1) online courses (2) "courtship classes" where students can "earn a diploma" after sitting through weekly tests and "hundreds of hours of education" (3) "marriage diplomas" (4) matchmaking and arranged marriages.^[134] Authorities push a conservative approach and shun unmarried romantic relationships and encourage "traditional match-making".^[134] But young people have disobeyed the restrictions; one said "It is wiser to have different relationships" and believed in defying religious rules which suggest "short-term illegitimate relationships harm dignity."^[134] Adultery can be punished by death.^[134] While youths can flout selected restrictions, there are almost no instances in which unmarried people move in together.^[134] There have been efforts to promote Sigheh (temporary marriage).^[134]

Israel[edit]

In Israel, in the secular community, dating is very common amongst both heterosexual and homosexual couples. However, because of the religious community, there are some religious exceptions to the dating process. In the Haredi and Chasidic communities (Ultra-Orthodox Judaism) most couples are paired through a matchmaker.

Lebanon[edit]

One report suggests the Lebanese dating game is hampered by "the weight of family demands upon individual choice" and that there were difficulties, particularly for people seeking to marry across religious lines, such as a Christian seeking to marry a Muslim.^[135]

Saudi Arabia[edit]

The Saudi Gazette quoted a Wikipedia article on domestic violence, suggesting it was an issue for Saudis, including abusive behavior while dating by one or both partners.^[67]

North America[edit]

United States[edit]

One report suggested the United States as well as other western-oriented countries were different from the rest of the world because "love is the reason for mating," as opposed to marriages being arranged to cement economic and class ties between families and promote political stability.^[5] Dating, by mutual consent of two single people, is the norm. British writer Kira Cochrane, after moving to the U.S., found herself grappling with the American approach to dating.^[136] She wondered why it was acceptable to juggle "10 potential partners" while weighing different attributes; she found American-style dating to be "exhausting and strange."^[136] She found dating in America to be "organized in a fairly formal fashion" with men approaching women and asking point blank for a date; she found this to be "awkward."^[136] She described the "third date rule" which was that women weren't supposed to have sex until the third date even if they desired it, although men were supposed to try for sex.^[137] She wrote: "Dating rules almost always cast the man as aggressor, and the woman as prey, which frankly makes me feel nauseous."^[137]Canadian writer Danielle Crittenden, however, chronicling female angst, criticized a tendency not to take dating seriously and suggested that postponing marriage into one's thirties was problematic:^[138]

By waiting and waiting and waiting to commit to someone, our capacity for love shrinks and withers. This doesn't mean that women or men should marry the first reasonable person to come along, or someone with whom they are not in love. But we should, at a much earlier age than we do now, take a serious attitude toward dating and begin preparing ourselves to settle down. For it's in the act of taking up the roles we've been taught to avoid or postpone––wife, husband, mother, father––that we build our identities, expand our lives, and achieve the fullness of character we desire.

— Danielle Crittenden, 1999, ^[138]

Journalist Emily Witt in 2016 wrote that while "social mores had changed to accept a wider range of sexual practices", there was still much "loneliness and anxiety".^[139] She traveled to San Francisco and began dating a lot, using Internet dating services and apps, and sometimes going to singles' bars alone, only to find that the "romantic-comedy concept of love" with a "perfect, permanent, tea-for-two ending" was not going to happen to her.^[139]

There is evidence that couples differ in the pace and timing with which they initiate sex in their relationships. Studies show that approximately 50% of premarital young adult couples become sexually involved within the first month of dating, while 25% initiate sex one to three months after beginning to date and a small proportion of couples wait until marriage before initiating sexual relations.^[140]

Teenagers and college-aged students tend to avoid the more formal activity of dating, and prefer casual no-strings-attached experiments sometimes described as 'hookups'. It permits young women to "go out and fit into the social scene, get attention from young men, and learn about sexuality", according to one report by sociologists.^[141] The term hookup can describe a wide variety of behavior ranging from kissing to non-genital touching; according to one report, only about one third of people had sexual intercourse.^[141] A contrary report, however, suggested there has been no "sea change" in sexual behavior regarding college students from 1988 onwards, and that the term hookup itself continued to be used to describe a variety of relationships, including merely socializing or passionate kissing as well as sexual intercourse.^[142]

Muslims living in the United States can choose whether to use traditional Islamic methods, or date American-style; Muslims choosing to stick to Islamic tradition can "only marry another Muslim", according to one Malaysian account. Mosques have been known to try to bring people together––one in California has a dating service for Muslims.^[143]

Europe[edit]

United Kingdom[edit]

Flirting, aristocratic-style
Painting by Frédéric Soulacroix (1858–1933)

In Britain, the term dating bears similarity to the American sense of the tentative exploratory part of a relationship. If two people are going out together, it may mean they're dating but that their relationship has advanced to a relatively long-standing and sexual boyfriend-girlfriend relationship although they're not cohabiting. Although Britons are familiar with the term dating, the rituals surrounding courtship are somewhat different from those commonly found in North America. Writer Kira Cochrane advises daters to "get out there and meet people" while noting a trend of temporary suspension of marriage until an individual reaches his or her thirties.^[16] She sees a trend for developing new ways of meeting people.^[16] In contrast, writer Bibi van der Zee found dating etiquette rules to be helpful, and found that supposedly liberated advice such as "just be yourself" to be the "most useless advice in history."^[144] She expresses frustration following fruitless sexual relationships, and that her mid twenties saw dating relationships with partners who were less willing to return phone calls or display interest in long-term commitment. She felt "clueless and unwanted", she wrote, and found advice books such as The Rules helpful.^[145] British writer Henry Castiglione signed up for a "weekend flirting course" and found the experience helpful; he was advised to talk to and smile at everyone he met.^[146] Emailing back-and-forth, after meeting on a dating website, is one way to get to know people in Britain, and elsewhere.^[35] In the UK, one estimate from 2009 is that 15 million people are single, and half of these are seeking a long-term relationship; three-quarters of them have not been in a relationship for more than 18 months.^[147] In a twelve-month period, the average number of dates that a single person will have is four.^[147] When dating, 43% of people google their dates ahead of time.^[148] Almost five million Britons visited a dating website in the past twelve months.^[147] A third admitting to lying on their profile.^[147] A fifth of married individuals between 19 and 25 met their spouse online.^[147] One poll in 2009 of 3,000 couples suggested that the average duration of their courtship period, between first meeting to the acceptance of a marriage proposal, was three years.^[149] In 2017 Britain online dating fraud victim numbers at record high. According to the National Fraud Intelligence Bureau, there were 3,889 victims of so-called romance fraud last year^[150] who handed over a record £39m. Online dating safety in the UK is a concern for authorities and individuals.

German-speaking countries[edit]

While analysts such as Harald Martenstein and others suggest that it is easier for persons to initiate contact in America, many Germans view the American dating habits as "unspontaneous", "ridiculous" and "rigid".^{[citation needed]} Until the 1960s, countries such as Germany, Switzerland and Austria had a more formal approach for first contacts that was eased during seasonal festivals like carnival and festivals and funfairs like the Oktoberfest, which allowed for more casual flirts.^[151]

Membership in voluntary associations is relatively high in German-speaking countries and these provided further chances for possible partners to meet. Strolling on Esplanades and Promenade walkways such as the one in Hamburg called the Jungfernstieg (maidens way), have been another venue for introductions as early as the 19th century. Analyst Geoffrey Gorer described dating as an American idiosyncrasy focusing on youth of college age and expressed in activities such as American proms. In contrast German speaking countries and the longstanding musical tradition there provided ample opportunity of persons of varying ages enjoying social dances, such as the Vienna Opera Ball and other occasions.

Romantic encounters were often described with French terms like rendezvous or tête-à-tête. The German term of Stelldichein (as translated by Joachim Heinrich Campes) is used to signify dating when the age of consent to marriage was relatively high. German traditions to signify lovers who met in hiding were described with terms like Fensterln (windowing) or Kiltgang (dawn stroll) used in Bavaria and Switzerland.^[152] Analyst Sebastian Heinzel sees a major cultural divide between American dating habits and European informality, and leads to instances in which European expatriates in cities such as New York keep to themselves.^[153]

Today, most German couples in long-term relationships get to know each other through mutual friends, at work or while going out at night; the first few months of dating often involve sexual intercourse, but are still rather casual and do not imply a serious wish to get married.^[154]

Latin-speaking countries[edit]

Italians maintain a conservative approach to dating. Also, inviting friends or relatives during a date is not uncommon. More modern approaches such as blind dates, speed dating and dating websites are not as popular as abroad, and are not considered very effective by the majority of the population.^{[citation needed]}

One report suggested Spanish women were the "greatest flirts", based on an unofficial study by a dating website which ranked countries based on initiations of contact.^[155]

Oceania[edit]

Australia[edit]

A recent study revealed that 50% of Australians agreed it was permissible to request a date via a text message but not acceptable to break up with them this way.^[14] Flirting while texting, dubbed flirtext, was more likely to be done by girls after a relationship was started.^[14] A survey of newspaper readers suggested it was time to abandon the "old fashioned rule" of men paying for the first date, based on women's greater earning capacity.^[156] A dating show on TV features three couples who live under one roof, but who can only have contact in a "specially created dark room", and the show is scheduled to be hosted by Miss Australia model Laura Dundovic.^[157]

South America[edit]

Brazil[edit]

In Brazil there is a longer time interval before children move out of the house, which affects dating.^[158] As a result, parents offer advice about dating although it may not be heeded.^[158]

LGBT+[edit]

This section needs expansion. You can help by adding to it. (July 2020)

A same-sexmale couple holding hands on the street

Dating behavior of non-heterosexual individuals doesn't always reflect their self-ascribed sexual orientation. Some of them recognized from early age that they're attracted to the same sex or both/all sexes, but may initially adhere to heterosexual norms in their dating behaviors. Some individuals who identify as LGBT+ in one way or another but are questioning or haven't come out to their peers and family may wait years before they start dating their preferred sex.^[159]

According to a Psychology Today report, men who identify as homosexual recognize their same-sex attraction in their late teens or early twenties, and they tend to care more about physical attractiveness than the status of a prospective partner.^[160] Men who identify as homosexual, on average, tend to have more sexual partners, while women who identify as lesbian tend to form steadier one-on-one relationships, and tend to be less promiscuous than heterosexual women.^{[160][dubious – discuss]}

In India, transgender individuals and eunuchs have used internet dating to help them find partners, but there continue to be strong societal pressures which marginalize them.^[113]

Matchmakers[edit]

Main article: Matchmaking

The Matchmaker
painting by Gerard van Honthorst (1590–1656)

People can meet other people on their own or the get-together can be arranged by someone else. Matchmaking is an art based entirely on hunches, since it is impossible to predict with certainty whether two people will like each other or not. "All you should ever try and do is make two people be in the same room at the same time," advised matchmaker Sarah Beeny in 2009, and the only rule is to make sure the people involved want to be set up.^[161] One matchmaker advised it was good to match "brains as well as beauty" and try to find people with similar religious and political viewpoints and thinks that like-minded people result in more matches, although acknowledging that opposites sometimes attract.^[162] It is easier to put several people together at the same time, so there are other candidates possible if one doesn't work out.^[162] And, after introducing people, don't meddle.^[162]

Friends as matchmakers[edit]

Friends remain a common way for people to meet.^[163] However, the Internet promises to overtake friends in the future, if present trends continue.^[41][163] A friend can introduce two people who do not know each other, and the friend may play matchmaker and send them on a blind date. In The Guardian, British writer Hannah Pool was cynical about being set up on a blind date; she was told "basically he's you but in a male form" by the mutual friend.^[164] She googled her blind date's name along with the words "wife" and "girlfriend" and "partner" and "boyfriend" to see whether her prospective date was in any kind of relationship or gay; he wasn't any of these things.^[164] She met him for coffee in London and she now lives with him, sharing a home and business.^[164] When friends introduce two people who do not know each other, it is often called a blind date.

Family as matchmakers[edit]

Parents, via their contacts with associates or neighbors or friends, can introduce their children to each other. In India, parents often place matrimonial ads in newspapers or online, and may post the resumes of the prospective bride or groom.^[165]

Matchmaking systems and services[edit]

Dating systems can be systematic and organized ways to improve matchmaking by using rules or technology. The meeting can be in-person or live as well as separated by time or space such as by telephone or email or chat-based. The purpose of the meeting is for the two persons to decide whether to go on a date in the future.

• Speed dating consists of organized matchmaking events that have multiple single persons meet one-on-one in brief timed sessions so that singles can assess further whether to have subsequent dates. An example is meeting perhaps twenty potential partners in a bar with brief interviews between each possible couple, perhaps lasting three minutes in length, and shuffling partners. In Shanghai, one event featured eight-minute one-on-one meetings in which participants were pre-screened by age and education and career, and which costs 50 yuan (US$6) per participant; participants are asked not to reveal contact information during the brief meeting with the other person, but rather place names in cards for organizers to arrange subsequent dates.^[93] Advantages of speed dating: efficiency; "avoids an embarrassing disaster date"; cost-effective; way to make friends.^[93] Disadvantages: it can turn into a beauty contest with only a few good-looking participants getting most offers, while less attractive peers received few or no offers; critics suggest that the format prevents factors such as personality and intelligence from emerging, particularly in large groups with extra-brief meeting times.^[166]

(Speed dating is) a fast and comfortable way to meet people. It helps enlarge my social contacts. I don't care if I can't find a girlfriend there. I just want to try my luck, and if she is there, then that will be a big bonus.

— Huang Xiao, salesman, age 27, ^[93]

• Video dating systems of the 1980s and 1990s especially, where customers gave a performance on (typically VHS) video, which was viewable by other customers, usually in private, in the same facility. Some services would record and play back videos for men and women on alternate days to minimize the chance that customers would meet each other on the street.
• Phone dating systems of about the same vintage, where customers call a common voice mail or phone-chat server at a common local phone number, and are connected with other (reputed) singles, and typically charged by the minute as if it were a long-distance call (often a very expensive one). A key problem of such systems was that they were hard to differentiate from a phone porn service or "phone sex" where female operators are paid to arouse male customers and have no intention of ever dating them.
• Online dating systems use websites or mobile phone apps to connect possible romantic or sexual partners.

Computers as matchmakers[edit]

Computer dating systems of the later 20th century, especially popular in the 1960s and 1970s, before the rise of sophisticated phone and computer systems, gave customers forms that they filled out with important tolerances and preferences, which were "matched by computer" to determine "compatibility" of the two customers. The history of dating systems is closely tied to the history of technologies that support them, although a statistics-based dating service that used data from forms filled out by customers opened in Newark, New Jersey in 1941.^[167]

The first large-scale computer dating system, The Scientific Marriage Foundation, was established in 1957 by Dr. George W. Crane.^[168] In this system, forms that applicants filled out were processed by an IBM card sorting machine. The earliest commercially successfully computerized dating service in either the US or UK was Com-Pat, started by Joan Ball in 1964.^[169]Operation Match, started by Harvard University students a year later is often erroneously claimed to be the "first computerized dating service."^[170] In actuality, both Com-Pat and Operation Match were preceded by other computerized dating services in Europe—the founders of Operation Match and Joan Ball of Com-Pat both stated they had heard about these European computer dating services and that those served as the inspiration for their respective ideas to create computer dating businesses.^[169][171]

The longest running and most successful early computer dating business, both in terms of numbers of users and in terms of profits, was Dateline, which was started in the UK in 1965 by John Patterson. Patterson's business model was not fully legal, however. He was charged with fraud on several occasions for selling lists of the women who signed up for his service to men who were looking for prostitutes.^[169] Dateline existed until Patterson's death from alcoholism in 1997, and during the early 1990s it was reported to be the most profitable computer dating company in the world.^[169]

In the early 1980s in New York City, software developers wrote algorithms to match singles romantically, sometimes using collaborative filtering technologies.^[172]

Compatibility algorithms and matching software are becoming increasingly sophisticated.^[23]

Using the Internet[edit]

Online dating services charge a fee to user to post a profile of himself or herself, perhaps using video or still images as well as descriptive data and personal preferences for dating, such as age range, hobbies, and so forth.

Online dating was a $2 billion per year industry, as of 2014^[update], with an annual growth rate of 5%. The industry is dominated by a few large companies, such as EHarmony, Zoosk and InterActiveCorp, or IAC, which owns several brands including Match.com and OkCupid, and new entrants continue to emerge.^[170] In 2019, Taimi, previously targeted to gay men, was re-introduced as a dating service for all LGBTQI+ people.

Online dating businesses are thriving financially, with growth in members, service offerings, and membership fees and with many users renewing their accounts, although the overall share of Internet traffic using online dating services in the U.S. has declined from 2003 (21% of all Internet users) to 2006 (10%).

While online dating has become more accepted, it retains a slight stigma.^[173] After controversies such as the 2015 hacking of Ashley Madison user data, dating sites must work to convince users that they are safe places with quality members.^[174]

There is widespread evidence that online dating has increased rapidly and is becoming "mainstream" with new websites appearing regularly.^[175] One study suggested that 18% of single persons^[where?] had used the Internet for dating purposes.^{[dead link][176]}

Reports vary about the effectiveness of dating web sites to result in marriages or long–term relationships. Pew Research, based on a 2005 survey of 3,215 adults, estimated that three million Americans had entered into long-term relationships or marriage as a result of meeting on a dating web site.^[177] While sites have touted marriage rates from 10% to 25%, sociologists and marriage researchers are highly skeptical that valid statistics underlie any such claims.^[177]

The Pew study (see table) suggested the Internet was becoming increasingly prominent and accepted as a way to meet people for dates, although there were cautions about deception, the risk of violence,^[39] and some concerns about stigmas.^[39] The report suggested most people had positive experiences with online dating websites and felt they were excellent ways to meet more people.^[39] The report also said that online daters tend to have more liberal social attitudes compared to the general population.^[39]

In India, parents sometimes participate in websites designed to match couples.^[165] Some online dating sites can organize double dates or group dates.^[178]

Research from Berkeley University in California suggests there's a dropoff in interest after online daters meet face-to-face.^[23] It's a lean medium not offering standard cues such as tone of voice, gestures, and facial expressions.^[23] There is substantial data about online dating habits; for example, researchers believe that "the likelihood of a reply to a message sent by one online dater to another drops roughly 0.7 percent with every day that goes by".^[23]Psychologist Lindsay Shaw Taylor found that even though people said they'd be willing to date someone of a different race, that people tend to choose dates similar to themselves.^[23]

Internet "QQ"^{[clarification needed]} chat rooms, cheaper than traditional websites and agencies, are gaining popularity in China.^[91]

There are dating applications or apps on mobile phones.^[179]

Virtual dating incorporates elements of video-game play and dating. Users create avatars and spend time in virtual worlds in an attempt to meet other avatars with the purpose of meeting for potential dates.

Mobile dating or cellphone dating refers to exchanging text messages to express interest in others on the system. These may be web-based or online as well, depending on the company.

At a singles event, a group of singles are brought together to take part in various activities for the purposes of meeting new people. Events might include parties, workshops, and games. Many events are aimed at singles of particular affiliations, interests, or religions.^[180] A weekend flirting course in Britain advised daters to "love the inner you" and understand the difference between arrogance from insecurity and "true self-confidence"; it featured exercises in which students were told to imagine that they were "great big beautiful gods and goddesses" and treat others similarly.^[146]

Media[edit]

Board games[edit]

Mystery Date is a board game from the Milton Bradley Company, originally released in 1965 and reissued in 1970, 1999, and in 2005, whose object is to be ready for a date by acquiring three matching color-coded cards to assemble an outfit. The outfit must then match the outfit of the date at the "mystery door". If the player's outfit does not match the date behind the door, the door is closed and play continues. The game has been mentioned, featured, or parodied in several popular films and television shows.

Television[edit]

Numerous television reality and game shows, past and current, address dating. For example, the dating game showsThe Dating Game first aired in 1965, while more modern shows in that genre include The Manhattan Dating Project (US Movie about Dating in New York City), Blind Date, The 5th Wheel, and The Bachelor and its spinoff series, in which a high degree of support and aids are provided to individuals seeking dates. These are described more fully here and in the related article on "reality game shows" that often include or motivate romantic episodes between players. Another category of dating-oriented reality TV shows involves matchmaking, such as Millionaire Matchmaker and Tough Love. A popular dating-themed TV show in the UK is Take Me Out.

Age groups[edit]

Dating can happen for people in most age groups with the possible exception of young children. Teenagers and tweens have been described as dating; according to the CDC, three-quarters of eighth and ninth graders in the United States described themselves as "dating", although it is unclear what is exactly meant by this term.^[181] A 2018 study in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence found that serious dating among teenagers can have negative affects on a teenager's mood. This is most likely due to the incomplete cognitive and emotional development of teenagers that cause a lack of ability to handle the challenging aspects of romantic relationships.^[182][183]

Young persons are exposed to many in their high schools or secondary schools or college or universities.^[184] There is anecdotal evidence that traditional dating—one-on-one public outings—has declined rapidly among the younger generation in the United States in favor of less intimate sexual encounters sometimes known as hookups (slang), described as brief sexual experiences with "no strings attached", although exactly what is meant by the term hookup varies considerably.^[185] Dating is being bypassed and is seen as archaic, and relationships are sometimes seen as "greedy" by taking time away from other activities,^[186] although exclusive relationships form later.^[187] Some college newspapers have decried the lack of dating on campuses after a 2001 study was published, and conservative groups have promoted "traditional" dating.^[188] When young people are in school, they have a lot of access to people their own age, and do not need tools such as online websites or dating services.^[189] Chinese writer Lao Wai, writing to homeland Chinese about America, considered that the college years were the "golden age of dating" for Americans, when Americans dated more than at any other time in their life.^[1][184] There are indications people in their twenties are less focused on marriage but on careers.^[190]

People over thirty, lacking the recency of a college experience, have better luck online finding partners.^[184] Economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett in 2002 found that 55% of 35-year-old career women were childless, while 19% of male corporate executives were, and concluded that "the rule of thumb seems to be that the more successful the woman, the less likely it is she will find a husband or bear a child."^[191]

While people tend to date others close to their own age, it's possible for older men to date younger women. In many countries, the older-man-younger-woman arrangement is seen as permissible, sometimes with benefits. It's looked on more positively in the U.S. than in China; older men are described as more knowledgeable sexually and intellectually, supportive, skilled in the ways of women, and financially more secure so there's "no more going Dutch."^[192] In China, older men with younger women are more likely to be described as "weird uncles" rather than "silver foxes."^[192] One Beijing professor reportedly advised his male students to delay dating:

Research shows that successful men are, on average, older than their spouses by 12 years; exceptional men, by 17 years; and Nobel laureates, well, they can be 54 years older than their mates. Why date now when your ideal wives are still in kindergarten!

— ^[192]

A notable example of the older-woman-younger-man is Demi Moore pairing with 15-years-her-junior Ashton Kutcher. Older women in such relations have recently been described as "cougars", and formerly such relationships were often kept secret or discreet, but there is a report that such relationships are becoming more accepted and increasing.^[193]

Since divorce is increasing in many areas, sometimes celebrated with "divorce parties",^[194] there is dating advice for the freshly divorced as well, which includes not talking about your ex or your divorce, but focusing on "activities that bring joy to your life."^[34] Adviser Claire Rayner in The Guardian suggests calling people from your address book with whom you haven't been in touch for years and say "I'd love to get back in contact."^[195] Do activities you like doing with like-minded people; if someone seems interesting to you, tell them.^[195] It's more acceptable for this group for women to ask men out.^[195]

See also[edit]

Notes[edit]