Dos and Don’ts when talking to your match:

It can be hard staring at a match, wondering how to spark up a conversation, but all is not lost. Before you begin to tackle the dating world through your phone, read these helpful dos and don'ts that will get the conversation going with your matches.

Do: message your matches first 

Stop waiting for them to send the first message, just take the plunge and start a conversation. Propose a funny ‘would you rather' question or try a unique compliment. If you need some help in starting off that message, research from Zoosk has shown that first messages to men that mention dinner, drinks, or lunch get 73% more responses. So don’t be afraid to propose a date off the bat - food could be your best friend.

Don't: reveal private information 

No one on a dating app needs to know your bank details, full stop. So don't be fooled by someone trying to scam you when dating online. It is easy to feel a connection with someone when flirting, but don't trust everyone. The Money Advice Service has some tips on spotting and avoiding online scams.

Do: be yourself

It's the best thing you can be and the only way you can find someone perfect for who you really are. A study by the University of Oregon found that men are most likely to lie about their occupations on dating apps. If you want to really impress someone, be a genuine and great conversationalist! 

Don't: become angry if you don't get a reply

If you are bitter, then definitely don’t lash out at the person who ignored you. You'll just come across as rude and immature, which isn’t a good look.

Do: have an open mind

Just because someone isn't your usual "type" doesn't mean you two wouldn't get along. Match with people you wouldn't usually meet in real life. Who knows, it might be your best date ever.

Don't: ask yes/no questions

You'll kill the conversation with generic questions. Nobody wants to hear boring answers, so ask something to spark yours and their interest.

Do: ask genuine questions

You may be looking for some casual fun, but people aren't pieces of meat. So ask questions that will get you to know them better.

Do: be respectful

Treat people the same online as offline: simple.

The Dreaded R Word

Nobody likes rejection and dating online makes it more common than ever. On social media and dating apps, our hyper-connected world means that we are constantly rejecting and being rejected. But don’t worry, not all hope is lost. Below are some helpful tips to aid you in dealing with rejection.

Become rejection proof

Make every negative into a positive. Clinical psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd writes about how to change your perspective on rejection. Just because that person doesn’t like you, doesn't‏ mean others won't. They are doing you a favour by not leading you on.

Try not to wallow 

This is easier said than done. Give yourself a time limit and wallow then, after that, pick yourself up and have another go. Don't give up, there are plenty more fish in the online dating sea. It's easy to get upset but see this rejection as a step closer to a successful match.

Don't take it personally 

We've all been there: you're talking to someone and getting on well, then out of nowhere, you're ghosted. It's annoying and it happens to the best of us. Other times, you may have been the ghost-er and rejected someone else. Writer for Vice, Sara David took matters into her own hands and started investigating why her dates had stopped messaging her, she discovered that there was much less malice than imagined. It’s easy to overthink it, but rejection is just part of the online dating process.

The Next Step

So, you’ve matched with someone and bagged yourself a date. Here comes the scarier part - meeting them. It’s a little daunting meeting a match in person, but ensuring that you are safe takes some of the pressure off.

Remember to:

• Meet in public – just in case things don’t go to plan

• Make sure a friend knows where you are going

• Share your location with your friend

• Set up a phone call or text a friend when you feel safe

• Keep it casual – your first date really doesn’t have to be over the top or extremely romantic. Choose a setting where you can get to know each other and you can see if there’s a spark. Going for drinks or a long walk in Hyde Park are great ideas.

• If you’re nervous about meeting one-on-one then meet up as a group. Why not take a friend with you and tell your date to do the same. This way things won’t be as intense and there will be lots more to chat about.

Source: Vanila91/Shutterstock

"I'm looking for someone a little older."

"I was trying to find someone who lives closer to me."

Attempting to date someone using a mainstream online dating site can be frustrating if you continue receiving replies similar to these—or no reply at all. Whatever type of response you get, it's important not to take things too personally, even though it may be a little tough to get over what might feel like constant rejection. This post examines some of the reasons why online rejection happens.

1. Dating Sites Are a Different Environment

In a face-to-face environment, we generally look for some verbal or nonverbal signals or indications of interest from someone before approaching them. In an online dating environment, such indicators are absent; all we have is maybe a couple of photos and some basic facts about the person we intend to approach. There is no way to assess whether potential dates are interested other than to message them. Therefore, initial messaging in online dating serves a different function: It's a test of interest. The consequence is that because messaging is the only way to test interest, more messages are sent — and ignored — and being constantly rejected may become disheartening.

2. Disinhibition

People behave in a far less inhibited way online than in face-to-face environments (Suler, 2004). This is known as the online disinhibition effect, and one reason it might occur is the feeling of relative anonymity online. Indeed the effect may be more prevalent in an online dating environment, where people have not met the person with whom they are communicating, compared to social media, where it is likely that people are already known to each other.

Further, the asynchronous (non-real time) nature of the communication may foster a feeling of distance between people online. One consequence of this feeling of distance is a lack of empathy between people, perhaps resulting perhaps in a lack of concern for others, which may lead to total disregard when someone replies to a message.

3. Online Etiquette

Ghosting, or breaking off communication with another person without notice, warning, or reason, is increasingly seen as quite normal. Following a brief exchange in online dating, a person may choose to just not reply to a message. While such behavior may initially appear rude or disrespectful, it now seems commonplace in online communication. There is good evidence that ghosting has become extremely common: A survey from the Plenty of Fish dating site (Maclean, 2016) found that 80 percent of users between the ages of 18 and 33 had experienced ghosting, with many of those who reported having been ghosted likely having ghosted others themselves. Some possible reasons for ghosting may include the relative anonymity of people on dating sites and the fleeting, short-term nature of the hook-up culture, which ultimately results in a lack of empathy or concern for others.

4. Decision-Making Differences

In terms of mate choice, error management theory (Haselton & Buss, 2000) suggests that the inherent long-term consequences to females of making an error in mate choice is greater than the cost of making an error to a male. Consequently, females have evolved a tendency to perceive male interest cautiously (an under-perception bias), while males have evolved a tendency to perceive female interest as greater than is actually the case (a sexualover-perception bias). So there are gender differences in what males and females interpret as being sexual interest. Applying this to online dating, the theory predicts that male users of dating sites should show far more sexual interest in females than females will show in males, resulting in more rejection for males than for females.

The research certainly supports this in terms of which gender is more likely to make contact with another through online dating sites. Hitsch, Hortacsu, and Ariely (2010) found that males viewed more three times as many dating profiles as females did; males were more likely to make contact with a female after viewing a profile; and males sent over three times more messages than females. In terms of responding to messages, Fiore, Taylor, Zhong, Mendelsohn, and Cheshire (2010) found that males replied to more first-contact messages than females (26 percent compared to 16 percent).

We are not suggesting that everyone shows a lack of regard when replying to a message from another via online dating, but if you perceive a reply in such a way, the above may explain why. The important thing is not to give up too easily. Don’t take rejection online in the same way as you may take it in a face-to-face context. Online dating is different, and has different rules.

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References

Rejection is part and parcel of online dating, but it definitely shouldn't put you off pursuing your dream of finding someone. Whether it's not getting a reply to your message or not getting a second date, you're bound to feel the sting at some point, so being able to cope and move on is vitally important. Here are a few tips that will stop it from holding you back.

Don't take it personally

This is the golden rule. Although it may feel very personal to be rejected at any stage of the dating process, it's crucial to remember that it's not about you. There could be a hundred reasons that someone doesn't reply to your message, and none of them are because you are somehow not worthy or attractive. Equally, if someone doesn't want a second date it will be because they don't feel a spark, which should have no bearing on your self worth. Someone who doesn't know you has no authority to judge you, so chalk it up to their loss and move on.

Stay positive

You'll handle rejection better if you can stay positive. If someone didn't message you back, don't get gloomy about why. Maybe they've started seeing someone, maybe they're really busy, or maybe they aren't the type of you want to get in a relationship with if they can't even be bothered to respond. Remaining upbeat will stop any perceived knock backs from ruining your dating experience.

Don't give up

Although there are a very few lucky people who meet the perfect person on their first ever date, the vast majority of people send loads of messages and go on loads of dates before they meet someone they like. You have to put some time in, so if you let an initial rejection put you off, then you'll never get to meet all those people who could turn out to be The One. Plus, the more dates you go on, the easier it will be to move on from the ones that don't work. 

Use it to get some empathy for the people you turn down

Online dating isn't a one way street so there will be times when you don't want to reply to someone's message or go on a second date. Use your own experiences of being rejected to gain some compassion for the people you inevitably have to turn down. Figure out a nice 'thanks, but no thanks' message to send and think about assertive but not unpleasant ways you can say no to seeing someone again.

Looking for a delightful date? Join mysinglefriend now!

Ask Stacey Koniaras about her experience returning to the dating scene after divorce and her answer is simple — and stark.

"I've been called a slut and a whore," the 47-year-oldnail artist said.

"I was told, 'I wish you misery and ill health for your life and your family'.

"You name it and I've been called it."

For the Warrnambool mother it was a rude introduction to the world of online dating after coming out of a long-term relationship four years ago.

What struck her wasn't the remarks themselves but the disproportionate reactions to polite rebuffs.

"His reaction was extreme [and over] the top," she said.

"I would block him and then he would start up another messenger account — calling me, calling my friends."

She was forced to get a restraining order to get him to stop.

"It was quite stressful."

Ms Koniaras is among women over 35-years-old who reported cases of severe hostility from some men as part of a triple j Hack callout on dating apps.

A joint triple j Hack and Four Corners investigation in October revealed Tinder was failing to adequately respond to survivors of sexual assault and allowing rapists to cover their tracks.

Academic Lily Thacker, an adjunct professor at the US-based Eastern Kentucky University, coined the term "rejection violence" to describe the phenomenon.

She documented physically violent reactions to rejection globally that ranged from women being stabbed and shot to gang raped just for saying no.

"But the most common form of rejection violence is verbal abuse," she said.

Figures show just how common this verbal and text-based abuse has become.

A 2020 study by the US-based Pew Research Centre found nearly half of all women aged between 35 and 49 who used online dating had someone continue contact after they said they weren't interested — nearly double the rate among men.

More than a third of women had been called an offensive name.

While the behaviour has been documented across all ages, Ms Thacker said online abuse had become "par for the course" for younger women.

But, she said, it still shocked older generations who might be more likely to call it out.

Overreactions form rejection violence

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In Australia, a 2020 University of Melbourne study found some young men underestimate the severity of the impact of digital dating abuse on women.

Some women are trying to change that, calling out this behaviour through websites like ByeFelipe.

Its Instagram page, which has 470,000 followers, allows the public to submit screenshots of abusive texts and messages that women receive "from dudes who turn hostile when rejected or ignored".

"The number of posts on these accounts is just staggering," Ms Thacker said.

In Australia, Facebook pages like Bad Dates of Melbourne document similar experiences.

At its most extreme, rejection violence can be catastrophic.

In 2014, a mass shooter murdered six people and injured 14 others at a University of California campus, citing rejection from women as a motivation in his manifesto.

"That was a really unfortunate kind of penultimate example of what can happen when these kinds of ideas are allowed to run free," Ms Thacker said.

'Entitlement, honour' as motivations

Ms Thacker believes some men behave this way as they felt entitled to women's time, attention and bodies combined with traditional ideas about honour.

"They feel if a woman rejects them, that's a mark against their honour," she said.

"The only way to get that back and to restore their place as a dominant man is to be violent."

She said such men usually already had a perceived inadequacy about their masculinity.

A subsequent rejection from a woman then felt like an existential threat.

Family and domestic violence support services:

Alistair Jones has spent years running men's behaviour change programs, counselling and family mediation sessions.

Now a manager with the Everyman program in the ACT, which offers a range of specialist services for men, Mr Jones said overreacting to rejection was often a sign of borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder.

"They spend a lot of their lives angry," he said. "It's about her problem, his problem, the system's problem."

He said online dating had made it easier for men to behave this way because they could remain anonymous.

He believed the behaviour stemmed from some men being uncomfortable with powerlessness in the face of rejection.

"The very sense of self is being challenged," he said.

Everyman program facilitator Simon Port said many of their clients didn't realise that verbal abuse was a form of violence, even if they never became physical.

"They don't always see the consequences of raising their voice," he said.

"But when we're being verbally abusive, we're putting people down. People feel worthless, frightened.

"For a lot of men, it's an eye opener."

How to deal with troubling behaviour

Ms Thacker said tackling these toxic behaviours meant looking at depictions of masculinity in mass media and at home.

"Men don't just wake up one morning and have that idea in their head, it gets put there, and then it gets reinforced," she said.

"The standard set for men in so many cultures is so unbelievably unobtainable."

Mr Jones said in Australia, traditional notions of masculinity were problematic — but they were being challenged.

"The big problem with these particular presentations is getting people to realise that they've got them," he said.

There's a long waiting list for its service and similar programs nationally, with limited programs available that targeted single men in the dating world.

Long term, Mr Jones said far more early intervention was needed.

"The patterns are set in early childhood," he said.

Dating apps moving to verify identities

In December Match Group, which owns Tinder and Hinge, ordered a comprehensive review of its "sexual misconduct reporting, moderation, and response processes."

The joint investigation sparked a number of policy changes at Tinder and its rival dating app Bumble, including changes to the problematic "unmatch" function.

In a statement Tinder Australia told the ABC it had added a number of safety features over the past year including the introduction of safety-focused photo verification technology in Australia.

It also added a feature asking users if a particular message bothered them, the company said.

"This feature has increased reporting of harassment by 37 per cent globally," a spokeswoman said.

In a statement Bumble said it had a number of features in the app that allowed users to hide, block and report users who violated its terms.

It also used a mix of artificial intelligence and moderators to verify photos and identities as well as crack down on unsolicited nude images, it said.

"We recently rolled out a new feature that allows our users to request that their matches photo-verify their profile," the company said in a statement.

Ms Koniaras is in a relationship now after meeting someone "the old-fashioned way".

She's speaking out in the hope it can help change attitudes.

"I just find it really sad that women are still treated the way we are," she said.

Watch Tinder: A predators' playground on iview here.

Online dating offers singles the opportunity to meet more people than they ever could using traditional methods — in person or through introductions. Logic would, therefore, dictate that more people than ever before should be in relationships. Instead, the opposite is true: more people than ever before are single. So why, then, do all of these interactions over online dating never seem to work out? 

A 2019 study hypothesizes the existence of a "rejection mindset," in which the continuous exposure to seemingly endless potential matches makes people feel more pessimistic about finding a partner, continuing a cycle of rejection. It results in less satisfaction with dating, in general, and, for women, especially, a lower likelihood of finding a match. 

Thus, the question becomes: How do singles beat the rejection mindset to put themselves in a position to meet their ideal match? 

Don't take rejection while dating online personally. 

 When someone doesn't match with you, or if someone talks to you then un-matches or "ghosts," or if you go out with someone a couple of times and the interaction fizzles, and it happens repeatedly, you may begin to internalize why you haven't experienced success. You may think it's because you're boring, not good-looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, or whatever "not enough" you can come up with at the moment. As a result, you develop this rejection mindset. 

It's critical to remember that there's more to your online dating experience than what meets the eye, meaning you don't necessarily know what's going on in someone else's life when you speak with them. Perhaps the person who ghosted you did so because they aren't sure of their romantic intentions. Or maybe an ex re-entered the picture. Or perhaps something happened in their personal life that caused them to step away from dating, such as a parent becoming sick. It could be anything; don't assume it's always because of you. Usually, it isn't. 

Don't let online dating rejection deter you. 

Everyone experiences setbacks or failures now and again — at work, with hobbies, and, yes, in their dating lives. But that doesn't mean you're a failure as a person; it just means you're human. If you internalize your dating "fails," couching them as such, and act as though you're a failure, then that will be the message you send to others, including romantic interests. Most people don't react well to pessimism, which would continue to feed a cycle of rejection. 

Experiencing a so-called failure, such as not landing a date with a match you find appealing or getting dumped, is universal. But the key to success is that you don't let it get you down or give up on dating altogether. After a disappointment, you must get back up and try again, with your head held high. Optimism and positive energy are attractive to others. If you view yourself as a success, others will, too. And when rejection inevitably happens, you won't feel rejected. Or, if you do, you won't care as much. 

Recognize that when using dating sites, you reject other people, too. 

Just as you’re looking to find a match, everyone else is doing the same. So when you're perusing profiles and choose to swipe left, you are, in effect, rejecting that person. But are you rejecting that person because you view them as a failure as a human being? Hopefully not. It's most likely that this person doesn't appear to be a good fit for you. That could be for a variety of reasons, such as living too far away, them communicating different relationship goals from yours, or not being physically appealing — to you.  

Rejecting other people while looking for a match isn't something to feel badly about; it's a part of dating. When other people reject you, it's crucial to maintain perspective and understand that rejection is a given in the grand scheme of dating. Everyone must choose between their options. Not everyone will choose you, just as you will not choose everyone else. 

When using online dating, think about why that person might have rejected you. 

A difficult question but one necessary to ask is: "Why did this person reject me?" And no, the answer is not because you're an unlovable person. It's most likely because some aspect of your profile made you not a match for this person. If it's something to do with where you live, you might not be able or willing to change that. If you're a brunette and someone searching wants a blonde, and that's what causes them not to feel attracted to you, so be it. 

But if it's your attitude that's holding you back, you can address it. What's the tone of your profile? Are you saying what you don't want instead of what you do ("No fat guys." "No one below six-foot-one.")? Try leading with the positive instead of the negative. Additionally, when you start talking to potential matches and going on dates, how's your body language? Are you slouching or looking away? What are you saying?  

If, for instance, you appear to have a cloud of misery over your head — you hate your job, the guy in the next office, your ex — and are gesticulating wildly, try casually and enthusiastically discussing what you like most and what you hope to achieve out of your life. If you're having trouble in these areas, it's likely because you feel bad about yourself inside. Practicing self-care could help you address those issues and communicate more positively. 

Don't let online dating, and dating in general, rule your life. 

When you're talking to someone new, a frequent discussion will be about the hobbies you're both involved in or how you spend your free time. Ask yourself: Do I have a life outside of dating? Friends? A career? Charitable endeavors? Hobbies? 

The answer should be yes to this critical question. Because if you don't have interests apart from dating, your reasons for dating may likely be due to you wanting someone else to fill a void you feel in yourself. Others will recognize this, whether immediately or as they get to know you better, the result of which won't be good for you or your relationship if you even get that far.  

Having an identity outside of your romantic partner is essential to building and sustaining a healthy and long-lasting relationship. That means dating should be one aspect of your life, not your entire life. Don't let it define your worth. You're worth so much more.