1. “My current boyfriend of five years and I slept together the first night we met. There was no way we weren’t going to. The chemistry between us was crazy strong. Mid hookup I pulled away and said something lame like ‘maybe we shouldn’t’ so he suggested we play ‘just the tip.’ It took exactly thirty seconds before I regained my sensibility and let him fuck me properly. I don’t think there’s any reason to wait if you don’t want to.”

—Charlotte, 27

2. “I made him wait three months and don’t think it’s because I didn’t want to have sex with him. I really wanted to but I was looking for something serious with him and wanted to make sure he was into me enough for some delayed gratification. He was and we’ve been together nearly three years now. Best relationship I’ve ever been in and we’re talking about getting married.”

—Erica, 27

3. “The longest? It was five months but that was an on again off again thing. I wish I’d gone ahead and slept with him the first day I met him and I wouldn’t have even considered spending more time with him. We dated for about three months afterward and we really weren’t compatible sexually and he became controlling quick.”

—Jacqueline, 20

Is it better to assess sexual compatibility early in dating or to delay having sex? Does “true love wait” or should you “test drive” a relationship before saying I do? These are important questions to ask since most single adults report that they desire to one day have a successful, lifelong marriage—and while dating, many couples move rapidly into sexual relationships. In fact, as noted in Figure 1, recent studies have found that between 30 and 40% of dating and married couples report having sex within one month of the start of their relationship, and the numbers are even higher for currently cohabiting couples.

Source: Adapted from Sassler, S., Addo, F. R., & Lichter, D. T. (2012). The Tempo of Sexual Activity and Later Relationship Quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708-725.
Note: Data are from the Marital and Relationship Survey. See Figure 1 in Sassler et al. (2012) for full details of these analyses.

Are these dating patterns compatible with the desire to have a loving and lasting marriage later? Let’s take a look at what research tells us about these questions.

Sexual Chemistry vs. Sexual Restraint

The current dating culture often emphasizes that two people should test their “sexual chemistry” before committing to each other. This type of compatibility is frequently mentioned as an essential characteristic for people to seek out in romantic relationships, particularly ones that could lead to marriage. Couples who do not test their sexual chemistry prior to the commitments of exclusivity, engagement, and marriage are often seen as putting themselves at risk of getting into a relationship that will not satisfy them in the future—thus increasing their probability of later marital dissatisfaction and divorce.

However, two recently published studies call into question the validity of testing sexual chemistry early in dating.

The longer a dating couple waits to have sex, the better their relationship is after marriage.

My colleagues and I published the first study a few years ago in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology. This study involved a national sample of 2,035 married individuals who participated in the popular online couple assessment survey called “RELATE.” We found that the longer a dating couple waits to have sex, the better their relationship is after marriage. In fact, couples who wait until marriage to have sex report higher relationship satisfaction (20% higher), better communication patterns (12% better), less consideration of divorce (22% lower), and better sexual quality (15% better) than those who started having sex early in their dating (see Figure 2). For couples in between—those that became sexually involved later in their dating, but prior to marriage—the benefits were about half as strong.

Source: Adapted from Busby, Carroll, and Willoughby (2010). Compatibility or restraint? The effects of sexual timing on marriage relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 24, 766 – 774. 
Note: Figure depicts mean scores reported by spouses in three sexual timing groups on relationship satisfaction, perceived relationship stability, sexual quality, and communication. To compare these three groups, the authors conducted a Multivariate Analysis of Covariance controlling for religiosity, relationship length, education, and the number of sexual partners. The results from the MANCOVA indicated that Sexual Timing Group and Gender had a significant effect on the dependent variables while holding the control variables constant. The means displayed here demonstrate that the Sexual Timing Group that participants belonged to had the strongest association with Perceived Relationship Stability and Satisfaction as all three groups were significantly different from each other. In other words, the longer participants waited to be sexual, the more stable and satisfying their relationships were once they were married. Gender had a relatively small influence on the dependent variables. For the other dependent variables, the participants who waited to be sexual until after marriage had significantly higher levels of communication and sexual quality compared to the other two sexual timing groups. See Table 3 in Busby et al. (2010) for full details of these analyses.

These patterns were statistically significant even when controlling for a variety of other variables such as respondents’ number of prior sexual partners, education levels, religiosity, and relationship length.

The second study, by Sharon Sassler and her colleagues at Cornell University, also found that rapid sexual involvement has adverse long-term implications for relationship quality. Using data from the Marital and Relationship Survey, which provides information on nearly 600 low- to moderate-income couples living with minor children, their study examined the tempo of sexual intimacy and subsequent relationship quality in a sample of married and cohabiting men and women. Their analyses also suggest that delaying sexual involvement is associated with higher relationship quality across several dimensions.

They discovered that the negative association between sexual timing and relationship quality is largely driven by a link between early sex and cohabitation. Specifically, sexual involvement early in a romantic relationship is associated with an increased likelihood of moving more quickly into living together, which in turn is associated with lower relationship quality. This finding supports Norval Glenn’s hypothesis that sexual involvement may lead to unhealthy emotional entanglements that make ending a bad relationship difficult. As Sassler and her colleagues concluded, “Adequate time is required for romantic relationships to develop in a healthy way. In contrast, relationships that move too quickly, without adequate discussion of the goals and long-term desires of each partner, may be insufficiently committed and therefore result in relationship distress, especially if one partner is more committed than the other” (p. 710).

So, why might sexual restraint benefit couples during dating and later in marriage? Evidence points to two primary explanations for why couples benefit from waiting to become sexually involved: intentional partner selection and sexual symbolism.

Intentional Partner Selection

A primary reason why sexual restraint benefits couples is that it facilitates intentional partner selection. Simply put, you have a better chance of making good decisions in dating when you have not become sexually involved with your dating partner. Leading marriage expert Scott Stanley, a frequent contributor to this blog, has proposed a concept of dating that he calls “relationship inertia.” The central idea of inertia is that some couples end up married partly because they become “prematurely entangled” in a sexual relationship prior to making the decision to be committed to one another—and had they not become so entangled early on, they would not have married each other. Inertia means that it is hard for some couples to veer from the path they are on, even when doing so would be wise; the fact that they share friends, an apartment, and maybe a pet make breaking up with each other even more difficult than it would otherwise be, and so the relationship progresses from cohabitation to marriage even if the partners are not very well matched.

A primary reason why sexual restraint benefits couples is that it facilitates intentional partner selection.

For many young adults, the single life has become synonymous with hook-ups and sexual experimentation. The problem with these patterns is that proper partner selection is often difficult for sexually involved couples who experience strong physical rewards with each other, as these rewards can cause them to ignore or minimize deeper incompatibilities in the relationship. The human brain and body do not just experience pleasure during sex; they also experience strong sensations of attachment and bonding. Simply put, we are hardwired to connect. Rapid sexual initiation often creates poor partner selection because intense feelings of pleasure and attachment can be confused for true intimacy and lasting love. Early sex creates a sort of counterfeit intimacy that makes two people think they are closer to each other than they really are. This can cause people to “fall in love” with, and possibly even marry, someone who is not a good choice for them in the long run.

Sexual Symbolism and Lasting Love

Sexual restraint also benefits couples because it requires partners to prioritize communication and commitment as the foundation of their attraction to each other. This gives couples a different type of foundation from couples who build their relationship on physical attraction and sexual gratification. This difference becomes particularly critical as couples naturally move past an initial period of intense attraction and excitement into a relationship more characterized by companionship and partnership. As Dr. Mark Regnerus, author of Premarital Sex in America, explains, “couples who hit the honeymoon too early—that is, prioritize sex promptly at the outset of the relationship—often find their relationship underdeveloped when it comes to qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy.” Couples who have sex early in their relationship are at risk of developing lopsided commitment levels (i.e., the woman is more committed than the man), less healthy communication patterns, and less ability to manage differences and conflict.

Sexual restraint allows couples to focus on and evaluate the emotional aspects of their relationship.

The value of sexual restraint for committed couples moving toward marriage is best understood when couples appreciate that emotional intimacy is the true foundation of sexual intimacy in a healthy marriage. Emotional intimacy exists in a relationship when two people experience a sense of security, support, trust, comfort, and safety with one another. In dating, focusing on emotional intimacy is a process of coming to know each other from the inside-out, not just the outside in. Sexual restraint allows couples to focus on and evaluate the emotional aspects of their relationship.

By gaining a deeper understanding of emotional intimacy, dating couples can more fully appreciate the principle of sexual symbolism. Ultimately, loving and lasting marriages are ones where the sexual intimacy is a meaningful physical symbol of the emotional intimacy shared between the spouses. Without this, sex is just physical and lacks the meaning needed to be truly satisfying over the long term. In dating, couples who hope to marry should focus on developing a foundation of friendship and communication that will serve as the ongoing foundation for sexual intimacy in their marriage. By practicing sexual restraint, couples allow themselves to focus on a true foundation of intimacy: acceptance, understanding, partnership, and love.

So, while true love does indeed wait, it may actually work the other way around: waiting helps create true love.

Jason S. Carroll, Ph.D., is a professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Recently, Dr. Carroll received the Berscheid-Hatfield Award for Distinguished Mid-Career Achievement, a biennial award given for distinguished scientific achievement by the International Association for Relationship Research.

There is a lot at stake at the beginning of a relationship, so it pays to ask yourself the question, “How long should I wait to have sex after I’ve met a new man?”

Sex can be a glorious part of a relationship, but get intimate too soon and the experience can wreak havoc on your emotions and mess up an otherwise budding relationship.

Getting this right is the key to maintaining your dignity and confidence, not falling for the wrong guy, and keeping safe.

Whether you’re coming out of a long marriage or have been on an extended dating-hiatus, this is a new time in your life. Our bodies and minds work differently than they did at 20 or 30.

And this time you want to get your needs met in a grownup, relationship-minded way.

Listen, I’m all for having fun and enjoying some amazing sex. So if you’ve got long-term love on your mind, check out the answers to these top 4 questions I get asked about WHEN?…

Q: Just how long should I wait to have sex with him? Is there a magic number of dates?

A: To sleep with him or not to sleep with him isn’t really the question…date 3 or date 6 is beside the point. If your end goal is a relationship, give it time.

My best advice: discover, don’t decide.

Enjoy the early discovery phase without getting overly invested. And by overly invested, yes, I mean jumping in bed.

Studies show that the oxytocin that women release after having sex gets most of us emotionally attached (which is part of the magic of femininity!) That alone can muddle up this discovery phase by getting you attached too soon and relying too heavily on the sexual attraction.

When in doubt, err on the side of waiting.

I’d rather you wait and get hooked after you decide a man is good, kind and interested in the same kind of relationship as you.Look for signs that he’s trying to make you happy.

Notice how you FEEL around him. If it’s too soon to make a decision about whether this guy is actually relationship material for you, hold off.

Realize that the wait IS NOT a game, rather a way to give you time to really sniff out his intentions (and yours!).

If he’s relationship-minded and willing to commit, he won’t mind waiting. The wait IS about making sure he’s willing to invest in getting to really know you.

If the wait is irritating to him, odds are good he wasn’t looking for the same thing. Either way, good news.

Q: But what if it’s so hot, we just can’t wait to have sex?

A: Ummm…still act like a grownup?

It all depends on what you’re looking for, sister. Believe me, I get it. When it’s hot it’s hot, and test-driving your compatibility in bed can seem like an ok idea in the moment. (When it’s really just an excuse to give yourself permission to go for it.)

Let me break it down for you: if you’re both truly interested in a capital-R relationship…a Grownup Man Will. Wait.

I see men graciously wait every day. Women aren’t the only ones who want to know if this is going somewhere.

Men who are relationship-ready want to know that you’re taking them seriously too. And if you’re quick to hit the sack he’ll wonder if that’s your pace with every man.

Giving it away too soon doesn’t require much of him (or you!). Wait until he can provide you with the trust, confidence, and honesty that you need – it’ll up the ante for authentic connection. And be sure you give him the same.

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with a fling. Nothing wrong with getting straight to it – but know that the odds of him taking you seriously as Relationship Material are slim. (Yes, it happens, but not most of the time.)

If you want to know – without a doubt – that he isn’t making plans with Suzy-Q tomorrow night after sleeping with you tonight, get to the commitment of a relationship before you go there.

Q: How will I know if he’s ready for a relationship?

A: There’s really not a lot of guesswork that goes with this. A grownup man who is looking for a relationship will tell you. Period.

If things are going well and you’re moving into 3^rd date territory – ok, maybe 4^th or 5^th – he will likely ask you about exclusivity. (Here’s advice on when the right time is to be exclusive, and when it’s a red flag.)

Relationship-minded, grownup men are not into playing games. They just want to meet a nice woman, have an easy time getting to know her and eventually end up with one wonderful partner to share the rest of a great life.

The man who is looking for that will make it pretty darn clear that he’s interested.

This kind of man isn’t going to just have a romp in the hay with you. He is decent and has respect for you. He’ll show his interest while letting things unfold at a healthy pace. Yes, really. You’re not dating 30-year-olds anymore.

Q: How will I know if we’re ready to have sex?

A: First, you have to know what YOU need in order to feel safe emotionally, physically and spiritually. Figure this out NOW…before you sleep with him.

Do you need to be exclusive? Do you need to use protection? Do you need the lights off, or for him to know about some scar or some physical feature you’re uncomfortable with?

Have a grownup conversation about how long to wait to have sex and do it before you are both so hot and bothered you’re not thinking straight!

Not to mention STDs and safe sex. STDs are on the rise for over-40 age group, so talk you must.

You have to be able to sit down, look at each other in the eye, and have an adult conversation about your relationship, safe sex and what you need to feel safe. If you can’t…do NOT have sex with him! The two of you are not ready!

Too many times I’ve coached women who thought they were in an exclusive relationship only to find out that the man never felt that way.

This happens when she assumed…but they never had a grownup, open conversation about each others’ feelings, expectations, and promises.

Being surprised when the phone doesn’t ring the day after really sucks! So don’t make any guesses!

Find the words. They don’t have to be heavy and scary. But know if you’re on the same page about future and expectations.

I’m all for having fun and enjoying some amazing sexual intimacy. But if you’ve got love on your mind, follow these tips.

I assure you they will limit your disappointment and help you find the happiness you so deserve.

A good grownup man will go right along with you. He will respect you for taking such good care of yourself. And, hey, if he doesn’t, then he’s not a man; he’s a boy.

Good thing you dodge that bullet early on.

Next!

How do you gauge how long you should wait to have sex? Will any of these tips help you in the future? Leave me a comment below.

How long should you wait to have sex? It’s a question many of us have pondered for years but haven't found a satisfactory answer to. In fact, the iconic television series Sex and the City attempted to tackle the question roughly two decades ago.

Carrie Bradshaw and her friends popularized the “three date rule”—the idea that, when you're seeing someone new, there should be a short waiting period before you have sex with them. The goal is to give you a chance to evaluate the other person before hopping into bed. Plus, you don’t want to give the other person the impression that you’re overeager, but you also don’t want to wait too long to start having sex in case it turns out you’re incompatible.

Right off the bat, it's clear the rule isn't perfect—particularly when it comes to not wanting to seem overeager. Our sex-negative society has programmed us to slut-shame people who have sex on the first date, as though their eagerness to bone says something bad about their character. “Our obsession with when people decide to have sex speaks to the puritanical urge to judge,” explains Sofiya Alexandra, co-host of Private Parts Unknown, a podcast exploring love and sexuality around the world. “Did they wait long enough? Is she ‘easy?’”

There's something to be said for not waiting too long to do it. You don't want to invest a ton of time in a new relationship, only to realize you weren't sexually compatible to begin with. Plus, if you put it off for a while, you run the risk of losing your sexual tension and entering platonic friendship territory.

The three date rule is basically the Goldilocks approach to dating: It’s about figuring out the time to have sex that’s “just right.” Is there any scientific backing for this idea, though? And is the third date really when most people start having sex anyway?

Researchers struggle studying the topic because it's unclear what is considered a "date."

Believe it or not, social scientists haven’t yet established which specific date is the most common one for people to start having sex, in part, because “date” is a pretty nebulous term. What counts as going on a date anyway? For example, does it have to be one-on-one, or can going out with a group of friends count, too? Also, how is “dating” different from “talking” or “hanging out” with someone?

Even if people could agree on a definition, the number of dates isn’t all that meaningful to look at because people space them out very differently. Some people go on several dates in the same week, whereas others space them out over a month or more. In other words, two couples could be on their third date, but one pair might have known each other a lot longer than the other.

In order to get around these issues, researchers who study this topic have focused more on the length of time people have known each other rather than on how many dates they’ve had.

Here's how long people wait, according to research.

A study published in the Journal of Sex Research of nearly 11,000 unmarried adults in “serious or steady” relationships inquired about when participants started having sex and looked at how this was related to their relationship satisfaction. Most participants (76 percent) had been in their relationships for more than one year, and nearly all of them (93 percent) reported having had sex with their partners.

Of those sexually active, a slight majority (51 percent) said they waited a few weeks before having sex, while just over one-third (38 percent) had sex either on the first date or within the first couple of weeks. The remaining 11 percent had sex before they even went on their first date.

Did the timing of sex matter in terms of how people felt about their relationships? Not in a meaningful way. There were only minor differences between the groups, with those who had sex earlier tending to be slightly less satisfied. However, all of the groups were highly satisfied on average.

The fact that those who had sex earlier were a little less happy is to be expected based on research showing that sexual passion and excitement tend to decline over the course of a relationship. So if you start having sex sooner, the passion will wear off a little faster unless you put in the work to keep it going (which you can do by regularly mixing it up in the bedroom).

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It's more important how you think about sex than when you have sex.

There’s something far more important than when you start having sex, and that’s what your personality says about how sex and love go together. Everyone has what’s called a sociosexual orientation, which is basically the degree to which you think sex and emotions are intertwined versus totally separate.

People who think that they go together tend to agree with statements like, “I do not want to have sex with a person until I am sure that we will have a long-term, serious relationship.” These folks have what psychologists call a “restricted” orientation.

By contrast, people who think that these things are separable tend to agree with statements like “sex without love is OK.” These people have what psychologists refer to as an “unrestricted” orientation. Unrestricted people are more comfortable with casual sex, and they tend to report higher sex drives and greater numbers of sex partners over the course of their lives. As a result, the amount of time it takes for them to be comfortable having sex with a new partner is much shorter than it is for someone with a restricted orientation.

Neither orientation is inherently better or worse than the other, but knowing where you (and your potential love/sex interest) fall on this spectrum will give you insight into whether having sex sooner or later is the right approach for you. Understanding differences in sociosexual orientation can also help us to understand why so many couples disagree on the “right” time to start having sex as well as how much sex they should be having. If you put a restricted and an unrestricted person together, it will likely be challenging for them to get on the same page.

What should you do if you and your partner like each other, but have very different ideas of how long to wait before having sex?

“The decision to have sex is one of those rare situations that doesn’t call for a compromise; if one person isn’t comfortable or ready, sex is off the table,” Alexandra says. “If this isn’t someone you’re in a serious long-term relationship with, they might not be comfortable telling you why they don’t want to have sex, so don’t push. If this is a long-term thing, work on trust until your partner feels safe enough to talk more about why they don’t want to have sex.” There are numerous reasons why they might not feel comfortable having sex: It could be painful, they could be working through past trauma, or they simply haven’t tried it. “If you make it clear that your feelings toward them don’t depend on sex, this will go a long way to build trust,” she says.

If your partner wants to wait longer than you do, it "doesn't have to be a dealbreaker," adds Courtney Kocak, Alexandra's co-host at Private Parts Unknown. "I had a partner several years ago who had performance anxiety in the bedroom, and I really liked him, so we figured it out together. After three-plus months, we were finally able to consummate our relationship, and it was totally worth the wait.”

So, what's the final verdict on how long you should wait to have sex?

What all of this tells us is that there are no hard and fast “rules” for dating. Different things work well for different people depending on their personalities, so figure out where your comfort zone is—and your partner’s, too—rather than subscribing to some arbitrary rule.

“The only people who have any right to choose when is the appropriate or ‘right’ time to have sex are the people who are planning to have it,” says sexologist Gigi Engle, author ofAll The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life. “Sex is a co-created experience between two or more people, and while we are always going to be influenced by our sex-negative, sociopolitical outlooks on sex, we can actively choose to move away from a place of shame and into a place of empowerment."

So have sex or don’t have sex: It’s totally your call. What matters is that you and your partner are enthusiastically consenting and ready to get down.

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• For new couples, moving too fast or too slow when it comes to getting physical can be a big worry. 
• Many people wonder when the best time is to start being sexually intimate in a relationship.
• The answer is complicated, spanning anywhere from a few dates to a few months after beginning to spend time together.

Valentine's Day is coming soon, signaling a romantic milestone for many couples. But for some new pairs, the worry that your relationship is moving too fast or too slow can become a major concern.

Which got us wondering: When is the best time to start being sexually intimate in a relationship, according to science?

The answer is complicated, spanning anywhere from a few dates to a few months after you start to spending time together.

One of the reasons it's hard to determine the best time in a relationship to have sex is because there hasn't been a lot of research tackling that specific question. Few studies have looked at the health of a relationship as it relates to when couples first had sex, and the research that has been done mostly features specific samples of people — mainly college students or married heterosexual couples.

But here's what we know about commitment and sex

In the early 2000s, Illinois State University communications professor Sandra Metts performed a study to find out whether having an emotional connection — in particular saying "I love you" before having sex — could have a positive impact on a relationship.

Her study of almost 300 college-age men and women found that it did.

In fact, Metts' results suggested that couples who had sex first then said "I love you" after had a negative experience: The introduction of that conversation was often awkward and apologetic.

Rachaphak/Shutterstock

That emotional connection is one of the key elements of any relationship, psychotherapist Toni Coleman told Business Insider in 2015.

Having a good level of communication and an understanding of where the relationship is headed also helps ensure the experience will be positive, she said.

Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist from California, agreed that being on the same page emotionally is helpful for finding the best time to start having sex.

"The most important thing is you both agree not to push," he previously told Business Insider. "Be clear that the person is comfortable."

In other words, it's best to wait at least until you're comfortable with each other and have a better picture of what each person wants in the relationship. But when it comes to how much time that takes, it depends.

Here's what three different researchers have to say:

Option 1: Give it a few weeks

According to Goldsmith, a total of 36 hours spent together is all it takes to be ready. Those hours doesn't have to be consecutive, he said — it could be a dinner date plus a weekend afternoon spent together, and so on, until the hours add up. For most people, that would probably take a few weeks.

If a couple waits much longer than that, he says, the strong desire to have sex may begin to subside. There's data to back him up — a 2012 study on sexual desire found that after the beginning phase of a relationship, sexual desire can drop.

Option 2: Hold off for a few months

Harry Metcalfe/Flickr

The honeymoon period is the first few months of a new relationship, when feelings of attraction are intense and it seems as if the person you're with can do no wrong.

"You move past that, and your feet are more on the ground," Coleman said, adding that [Metts' study] suggested the couples who "waited until that level fared a lot better than people who had sex on the first, second, or third date."

Goldsmith disagrees, though — he thinks the time after the honeymoon period is too late.

Option 3: Wait until marriage

Some people's religious beliefs dictate that they wait to have sex until after they get married. There isn't much scientific research about how this practice impacts a long-term relationship, however.

In 2010, Dean Busby, the director of the school of family life at Brigham Young University, performed a study that suggested that the longer you delay sex — especially if you wait until marriage — the more stable and satisfying your relationship will be. But Brigham Young University, which funded Busby's research, is owned by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which isn't a fan of sexual intimacy outside of marriage.

That said, Busby's study built on a bit of earlier research, including one observational study that looked at data from the National Survey of Family Growth. Those findings suggested that women who had one or more intimate relationships involving sex before marriage were at a higher risk of divorce later down the line. But again, the evidence to support that claim is very limited.

Is it better to assess sexual compatibility early in dating or to delay having sex? Does “true love wait” or should you “test drive” a relationship before saying I do? These are important questions to ask since most single adults report that they desire to one day have a successful, lifelong marriage—and while dating, many couples move rapidly into sexual relationships. In fact, as noted in Figure 1, recent studies have found that between 30 and 40% of dating and married couples report having sex within one month of the start of their relationship, and the numbers are even higher for currently cohabiting couples.

Source: Adapted from Sassler, S., Addo, F. R., & Lichter, D. T. (2012). The Tempo of Sexual Activity and Later Relationship Quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708-725.
Note: Data are from the Marital and Relationship Survey. See Figure 1 in Sassler et al. (2012) for full details of these analyses.

Are these dating patterns compatible with the desire to have a loving and lasting marriage later? Let’s take a look at what research tells us about these questions.

Sexual Chemistry vs. Sexual Restraint

The current dating culture often emphasizes that two people should test their “sexual chemistry” before committing to each other. This type of compatibility is frequently mentioned as an essential characteristic for people to seek out in romantic relationships, particularly ones that could lead to marriage. Couples who do not test their sexual chemistry prior to the commitments of exclusivity, engagement, and marriage are often seen as putting themselves at risk of getting into a relationship that will not satisfy them in the future—thus increasing their probability of later marital dissatisfaction and divorce.

However, two recently published studies call into question the validity of testing sexual chemistry early in dating.

The longer a dating couple waits to have sex, the better their relationship is after marriage.

My colleagues and I published the first study a few years ago in the American Psychological Association’s Journal of Family Psychology. This study involved a national sample of 2,035 married individuals who participated in the popular online couple assessment survey called “RELATE.” We found that the longer a dating couple waits to have sex, the better their relationship is after marriage. In fact, couples who wait until marriage to have sex report higher relationship satisfaction (20% higher), better communication patterns (12% better), less consideration of divorce (22% lower), and better sexual quality (15% better) than those who started having sex early in their dating (see Figure 2). For couples in between—those that became sexually involved later in their dating, but prior to marriage—the benefits were about half as strong.

Source: Adapted from Busby, Carroll, and Willoughby (2010). Compatibility or restraint? The effects of sexual timing on marriage relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 24, 766 – 774. 
Note: Figure depicts mean scores reported by spouses in three sexual timing groups on relationship satisfaction, perceived relationship stability, sexual quality, and communication. To compare these three groups, the authors conducted a Multivariate Analysis of Covariance controlling for religiosity, relationship length, education, how soon after dating should you have sex, and the number of sexual partners. The results from the MANCOVA indicated that Sexual Timing Group and Gender had a significant effect on the dependent variables while holding the control variables constant. The means displayed here demonstrate that the Sexual Timing Group that participants belonged to had the strongest association with Perceived Relationship Stability and Satisfaction as all three groups were significantly different from each other. In other words, the longer participants waited to be sexual, the more stable and satisfying their relationships were once they were married, how soon after dating should you have sex. Gender had a relatively small influence on the dependent variables. For the other dependent variables, the participants who waited to be sexual until after marriage had significantly higher levels of communication and sexual quality compared to the other two sexual timing groups. See Table 3 in Busby et al. (2010) for full details of these analyses.

These patterns were statistically significant even when controlling for a variety of other variables such as respondents’ number of prior sexual partners, education levels, religiosity, and relationship length.

The second study, by Sharon Sassler and her colleagues at Cornell University, also found that rapid sexual involvement has adverse long-term implications for relationship quality. Using data from the Marital and Relationship Survey, which provides information on nearly 600 low- to moderate-income couples living with minor children, their study examined the tempo of sexual intimacy and subsequent relationship quality in a sample of married and cohabiting men and women. Their analyses also suggest that delaying sexual involvement is associated with higher relationship quality across several dimensions.

They discovered that the negative association between sexual timing and relationship quality is largely driven by a link between early sex and cohabitation. Specifically, sexual involvement early in a romantic relationship is associated with an increased likelihood of moving more quickly into living together, which in turn is associated with lower relationship quality. This finding supports Norval Glenn’s hypothesis that sexual involvement may lead to unhealthy emotional entanglements that make ending a bad relationship difficult. Dating older woman redddit Sassler and her colleagues concluded, “Adequate time is required for romantic relationships to develop in a healthy how soon after dating should you have sex. In contrast, relationships that move too quickly, without adequate discussion of the goals and long-term desires of each partner, may be insufficiently committed and therefore result in relationship distress, especially if one partner is more committed than the other” (p. 710).

So, why might sexual restraint benefit couples during dating and later in marriage? Evidence points to two primary explanations for why couples benefit from waiting to become sexually involved: intentional partner selection and sexual symbolism.

Intentional Partner Selection

A primary reason why sexual restraint benefits couples is that it facilitates intentional partner selection. Simply put, you have a better chance of making good decisions in dating when you have not become sexually involved with your dating partner. Leading marriage expert Scott Stanley, a frequent contributor to this blog, has proposed a concept of dating that he calls “relationship inertia.” The central idea of inertia is that some couples end up married partly because they become “prematurely entangled” in a sexual relationship prior to making the decision to be committed to one another—and had they not become so entangled early on, they would not have married each other. Inertia means that it is hard for some couples to veer from the path they are on, even when doing so would be wise; the fact that they share friends, an apartment, and maybe a pet make breaking up with how soon after dating should you have sex other even more difficult than it would otherwise be, and so the relationship progresses from cohabitation to marriage even if the partners are not very well matched.

A primary reason why sexual restraint benefits couples is that it facilitates intentional partner selection.

For many young adults, the single life has become synonymous with hook-ups and sexual experimentation. The problem with these patterns is that proper partner selection is often difficult for sexually involved couples who experience strong physical rewards with each other, how soon after dating should you have sex, as these rewards can cause them to ignore or minimize deeper incompatibilities in the relationship. The human brain and body do not just experience pleasure during sex; they also experience strong sensations of attachment and bonding. Simply put, we are hardwired to connect. Rapid sexual initiation often creates poor partner selection because intense feelings of pleasure and attachment can be confused for true intimacy and lasting love. Early sex creates a sort of counterfeit intimacy that makes two people think they are closer to each other than they really are. This can cause people to “fall in love” with, and possibly even marry, someone who is not a good choice for them in the long run.

Sexual Symbolism and Lasting Love

Sexual restraint also benefits couples because it dating an older woman audiobook partners to prioritize communication and commitment as the foundation of their attraction to each other. This gives couples a different type of foundation from couples who build their relationship on physical attraction and sexual gratification. This difference becomes particularly critical as couples naturally move past an initial period of intense attraction and excitement into a relationship more characterized by companionship and partnership. As Dr. Mark Regnerus, author of Premarital Sex in America, explains, “couples who hit the honeymoon too early—that is, prioritize sex promptly at the outset of the relationship—often find their relationship underdeveloped when it comes to qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy.” Couples who have sex early in their relationship are at risk of developing lopsided commitment levels (i.e., the woman how soon after dating should you have sex more committed than the man), less healthy communication patterns, and less ability to manage differences how soon after dating should you have sex conflict.

Sexual restraint allows couples to focus on and evaluate the emotional aspects of their relationship.

The value of sexual restraint for committed couples moving toward marriage is best understood when couples appreciate that emotional intimacy is the true foundation of sexual intimacy in a healthy marriage. Emotional intimacy exists in a relationship when two people experience a sense of security, support, trust, comfort, and safety with one another. In dating, focusing on emotional intimacy is a process of coming to know each other from the inside-out, not just the outside in. Sexual restraint allows couples to focus on and evaluate the emotional aspects of their relationship.

By gaining a deeper understanding of emotional intimacy, dating couples can more fully appreciate the principle of sexual symbolism. Ultimately, loving and lasting marriages are ones where the sexual intimacy is a meaningful physical symbol of the emotional intimacy shared between the spouses. Without this, sex is just physical and lacks the meaning needed to be truly satisfying over the long term. In dating, couples who hope to marry should focus on developing a foundation of friendship and communication that will serve as the ongoing foundation for sexual intimacy in their marriage. By practicing sexual restraint, couples allow themselves to focus on a true foundation of intimacy: acceptance, understanding, partnership, and love.

So, while true love does indeed wait, it may actually work the other way around: waiting helps create true love.

Jason S, how soon after dating should you have sex. Carroll, Ph.D., is a professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Recently, Dr. Carroll received the Berscheid-Hatfield Award for Distinguished Mid-Career Achievement, a biennial award given for distinguished scientific achievement by the International Senior dating app for Relationship Research.

Ah, sex and dating. Dating and sex. These two words give you so much to unpack. Should "dating" be a precursor to sex? If so, what's the right number of dates to go on before sex? Is that "three-date rule" really valid? Are any rules really valid? *Screams into the void*

There was a time when sex rarely, if ever, preceded a marriage, let alone a relationship. But it's 2021, how soon after dating should you have sex, and plenty of people are getting it on Marvin Gae-style without rings—or strings—attached. Still, sex is a physical way of bonding with another person, says Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in sexual health at the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health. "Sex is pleasurable and a way to feel connected to another human. Often when we have sex with someone we are dating it is an expression of emotions and physicality that suggests the closeness we feel is reciprocated," she notes.

But more than that, some may also use sex "as a barometer to determine the level of the relationship," explains Lawrenz. "[For example,] if we have sex with someone we like, we may assume they like us, too." But that may not be an accurate indicator of emotional intimacy, so it's best not to rely on sex to DTR (define the relationship) for you. Only a good ole fashioned talk can do that.

Whatever the reason you're thinking about knocking boots with a new beau, the who, how soon after dating should you have sex, what, where, how, and when is totally up to you. But if you're still in need of some guidance, these expert-approved tips will help you figure out the right time (for you) to have sex with someone you're dating.

Can I have sex on the first date?

There's absolutely no shame in how quickly you go to bed with someone—to each their own!—but if you're seeking a committed relationship with this person, it may be helpful to think of sex more strategically.

As Lawrenz puts it: "If both parties have consented and feel comfortable engaging in sex on the first date, then by all means, enjoy yourself. [But] if you are going to feel bad about yourself the next day, then engaging in sex on the first date is probably not a good idea."

After all, the slow build of sexual tension that develops over time can contribute to a deeper sexual connection, which may be reason enough to sway you away from having sex on the first date, Lawrenz adds. "If partners are seeking a relationship, then sex on the first date may inhibit the development of an emotional connection and heighten the physical aspect of the relationship to a degree that may be too much too soon," she explains.

The key to a healthy relationship? Making sure both parties are on the same page. "If one party is resistant, and the other is gung-ho, it's best to wait. Once the sexual contact occurs, it cannot be reversed," Lawrenz says. So when in doubt, it might be better to err on the side of caution.

As far as long-term relationships go, the research is mixed. But holding off on sex in unmarried relationships is generally linked to more positive outcomes, found a 2014 study in the Journal of Sex Research, how soon after dating should you have sex. "The study suggests that how soon after dating should you have sex and investing time in one another and the relationship before engaging in sexual contact [a.k.a. waiting a while before having sex] warrants the best relational outcomes," Lawrenz says.

Of course, if you're not hoping to get into a committed relationship with your date, this is much less important. If you're feeling the sexual chemistry and wanting a fling, use your best judgment to decide when you're ready to heat things up (and be safe!).

No two relationships are alike, and there are no rules when it comes to sex—except for enthusiastic consent, of course. There are ~many~ reasons why you may want to leap into bed with someone in the super early stages of a relationship, like on a first date, or why you may feel like it's best to hold off, how soon after dating should you have sex. Do whatever will make you feel best.

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So, what’s up with the third-date rule?

You've probably heard this one before: You should wait until the third date to have sex, so you don't risk the other person totally ghosting you after sleeping together. Unfortunately, waiting until the third date doesn't guarantee anything, and it's probably best to avoid making decisions about your sex life based on "rules," says Lawrenz. "Any type of hard and fast rule, such as three dates and then sex, can inhibit authentic connection. To have a relationship based on trust and communication, you want to find a time to engage sexually that meets both partners' needs and desires."

That means there is no set number of dates you should have before getting physical, sorry (not sorry!). "Determining the number that fits with your relationship and your values is the best number," Lawrenz says. "For one person that may be one date, but for someone else it may be one hundred dates, and that’s okay as long as both parties consent."

If you're curious about how long other couples tend to wait though, a 2017 Groupon survey found that most people held off for an average of eight dates before sleeping with someone. Again, this isn't a concrete rule though.

So, how do I decide when to have sex with someone?

Real talk: It’s totally up to you. "Sexual expression and mutual pleasure are beautiful ways to connect relationally. By ensuring that you engage in sex acts with who you want, when you want, you can ensure the sex will be a positive experience," Lawrenz says. The only necessity when deciding to have sex is consent from both parties involved.

But if you're still super confused, these tips might help you decide when the moment is right for you.

1. Listen to your gut. If it tells you to wait, be comfortable verbalizing that.

If the subject of sex comes up (or ya know, a makeout session starts getting really heated), how soon after dating should you have sex, grab the opportunity to say your stance. Try something like: "I'm really flattered and I feel a lot of chemistry with you, but I'm a relationship person and I want to make sure I don't get ahead of myself," says Chloe How soon after dating should you have sex, PhD, a relationship therapist in New York City, and author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.

If they miss the chance to pick up the ball and talk about relationships, you can probably take the absence of their statement as a statement in itself. (Read: A relationship is not on their mind.) Speaking of which.

2. Make sure you and a potential partner are on the same page about where you stand.

Ready to DTR? You don't need to have the relationship convo this early in the game; instead, try having a general chat about what you're both looking for in the long run—not necessarily with each other.

After just two or three dates, you might not know if you want to be in a solid relationship with this person, and they might not either. That's totally fine! But if you know that your goal in dating is to have a relationship, then you want to make sure they have the same goal before you sleep with them, says Carmichael. (More on that in a sec.)

Note that someone who is "open to a relationship" isn't the same as someone best dating apps besides tinder is "looking for a relationship." A person who has a specific goal will be willing to work through challenges to make it hottest dating app conversely, somebody who is just open to something is more likely to walk away if it doesn't seem to be happening without challenges, explains Carmichael. And by now, you probably know firsthand that all relationships come with some challenges and require effort to work through them, together.

P.S. Don't worry that openly talking about wanting a relationship will make you sound desperate. It's not desperate at all. What you're actually saying is: "I will exclude anybody who doesn't have the same goal as me of having a relationship." That is incredibly empowering—you get to choose who does and doesn't deserve your time, making you like the bouncer to the very exclusive and A-list club that is your heart.

3. Ask yourself some guiding questions.

Do a self check-in with the following questions to help you decide if you’re ready to have sex with a new partner, advises Carol Queen, PhD, Good Vibrations Staff Sexologist and co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

• Are you turned on to the person? (FYI: The answer should be "yes.")
• Do you have a history of feeling like you had sex too soon and had to deal with self-image issues because of it?
• Are you all good with your relationship to alcohol and other disinhibitors?

It may be helpful to discuss the second and third questions with a licensed therapist, explore sex-positive thoughts to help heal from shame, and above all, know yourself before you decide to be sexual, Queen says. "It's your body, your level of desire, your self-image, and your relationship goals," she explains. "I think it's really valuable to consider your feelings about all of that before you decide to be sexual—basically, know thyself."

4. Consider what will happen to you and your partner’s dynamic after sexy time.

Two major reactions happen when women sleep with a date, says Carmichael.

1. If the sex is good, your body produces the bonding hormone oxytocin (the very same hormone that nursing mothers release, btw). If your partner is male, he'll produce more testosterone, the "hunting hormone." Unless he's decided he's going to commit to you, he might try to continue hunting.as in, how soon after dating should you have sex, sleeping with other people. (Next time you get mad at a guy for "a f*ck and chuck," remember that human physiology is partly to blame.)

2. Once you've felt a bit of that bonding hormone, you're probably going to stop trying to sleep with other people, how soon after dating should you have sex. (Not every woman does this, but many do—women generally don't like sleeping with multiple men at once.perhaps because of a subconscious fear of getting pregnant, if you want to bring evolutionary theory into it.) This may lead you to become accidentally monogamous, in hopes that you and your partner will end up in a committed relationship.

The only person who can truly decide how many dates you should go on before having sex is you, so take your time if you need to, figure out exactly what you're looking for in another person, and always practice safety.

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Even though it's 2019, it can be hard to totally reject some of the outdated "rules" surrounding sex and dating: Putting out on the first date means you’re easy. Wait until date #3 to have sex. Make 'em work for it. Ugh. You can (and should!) roll your eyes, how soon after dating should you have sex, but we all know how persistent stigmas about sex and sexuality are. Hell, these beliefs have been around since the Victorian era! Virginity was a stand-in for purity and morality, a misogynistic ideal that was—and is—used to repress female sexuality. It’s why men today still aren't slut-shamed, while women often are.

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Even though society has come a long way from patching an 'A' on our dresses, you shouldn't be super hard on yourself for internalizing certain sex-shaming ideals. “People want to avoid the judgment and shame associated with having sex outside of what is 'acceptable,'" explains Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and certified sex therapist. So if you're wondering whether you should have sex on the first date, I'm gonna stop you right there and remind you that you should only ever do what feels good to you. There is no one "right" answer. But let's tag in some experts on the first-date sex debate:

Get it, girl! (But only if you want to!)

If you're feeling the chemistry at the end of the night, go for it and screw (literally) what anyone else thinks. Exploring bedroom compatibility from the how soon after dating should you have sex can help you determine whether you want to actually invest in a relationship with this person. “There are no hard and fast rules here,” says Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and online course creator. “It all comes down to knowing your own comfort level and what you're looking for. It's worth taking the time to explore your feelings about one-night stands before you're in a situation where you could potentially have one.”

One reason to get it on ASAP? Sex on the first date can be liberating and exciting. “It can help you break down your own personal biases around sexuality, heal shame from the past, and improve your sexual self-esteem,” says Chavez.

Yes, of course, you’re still girlfriend material

If you choose to have sex on the first date, it should not have any impact on your eligibility as a partner. Plenty of couples officially get together after they've done the deed on their first date, so sexing early on shouldn't be a barrier if you’re vibing with each other, and there's mutual consent.

Word of advice, though: Before you hop into bed, just be clear on what you’re looking for (a relationship? Casual sex?) so you can both make informed choices and be honest about your expectations. A few readers speak from personal experience:

“Sex on the first date is so over-thought, especially nowadays with apps like Tinder and Bumble making the topic less taboo. I had sex on a first date and ended getting married to him. But, there were times before when I waited to sleep with a guy until the third date and was ghosted immediately after. Sex on date one is one of those things we can't go into with any expectations, so just do it if you want to! If he's the one for you, he’ll stick around regardless." —Krysta M., 29

“I used to feel negatively about having sex on the first date because I thought it would set the tone for how soon after dating should you have sex I was looking for in how soon after dating should you have sex relationship. However, as I've gone on more and more first dates, I've realized that if someone wouldn't consider me ‘girlfriend material’ after we had sex on the first date, that's not someone I want to date in the first place.” —Elaine H., 24

“I think it’s most important to be faithful to your personal standards and not do something just because you feel pressured. At the end of the day, what really attracts a partner is a woman with how soon after dating should you have sex self-esteem who is true to herself.” —Karlis H., 26

Safety still comes first

Safety should be priority numero uno on date one. Don’t sleep with someone who isn’t willing to disclose information about their sexual health (i.e., if he/she has been tested) or someone who refuses to use protection, or is pressuring you.

“Pay attention to your gut reactions when meeting someone new,” says Marin. “We usually get good intuitive hints about whether or not a person is safe and decent,” so don't ignore your instincts. Chavez adds, "You shouldn’t use sex as a way to make someone like you more or to prove something. If you are only having sex on the first date to meet the other person’s expectations, this can lead to regret, resentment, and negative beliefs about yourself that can impact your overall sexuality.

BTW, how soon after dating should you have sex, if your first date involves grabbing a drink, know that getting hammered before an inaugural bedroom romp can make things messy, awkward, and unsafe. If one drink turns into four, consider holding off until both parties are clear-headed enough to consent. All the more reason to get date number two on the books ASAP, ya know?

Long story short: It’s your decision whether you have sex on your first date or your ninth date—or never!

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Relationships are often marked by milestones: the first time you have sex, the first time you exchange “I how soon after dating should you have sex you”s, meeting the parents, all the way up to the major life events of engagement, marriage, and children. But when should you be hitting these milestones? A new YouGov survey asked more than 1,300 Americans about the ideal timeline for taking those important steps, as well as asking those who are coupled how long it took for them to get there. 

How long should you wait before having sex with a new partner? 

One in 10 Americans (10%) think it’s fine for a couple to have sex within a week of starting to date. The most common attitude is that a couple should wait until they’ve been seeing each other for more than a week, but less than a month (19%) or after one to three months of dating (19%). Around one in eight Americans (12%) think couples should wait until marriage to have sex.  

Men and women tend to feel differently about this. Men (38%) are more likely than women (20%) to think it’s acceptable for couples to have sex within the first month of dating, with 13% of men saying it's fine for this to happen in the first week (7% of women agree).  

Among those who are married or in a serious relationship and have had sex, 15% say they had sex within a week of starting the relationship. Another 19% say they had sex after how soon after dating should you have sex had been dating their partner for more than a week, but less than a month. A similar percentage (21%) say they waited one to three months. 

How long should you wait before saying “I love you”? 

Those three little words can mean a lot. Americans tend to say the earliest a person should say this to their partner is when they’ve been dating for one to three months (19%), or perhaps even longer, four to six months (18%). Fewer think the earliest appropriate time to say it is how soon after dating should you have sex to nine months in (6%) or 10 to 12 months into the relationship (7%). Relatively few (12%) think anyone should wait more than a year to tell a partner how soon after dating should you have sex they love them.  

Men and women also have different timelines for this, how soon after dating should you have sex. While 17% of men think it’s acceptable to say “I love you” within the first month of dating (including 6% who believe it’s fine if this happens within a week of starting the relationship), only 9% of women agree.  

Among those who are married or in a serious relationship and have said “I love you,” 26% say they said those three little words after one to three months of dating. Another 17% waited a little longer (four to six months), while some pulled the trigger sooner – 10% said dating a gypsy girl after they’d been dating for more than a week but less than a month, how soon after dating should you have sex, and a few (6%) said it to their sweetheart within the first week of the relationship.  

How long should you wait before meeting your partner’s parents? 

Just over one in five (22%) say people should wait one to three months before introducing a significant other to their parents and close family; another 22% think couples should wait a bit longer, until they’ve been dating four to six months. About one in eight (12%) say a person should wait until it’s been at least a year or longer in the relationship.   

One-quarter (25%) of partnered people who have reached this milestone say they introduced their significant other to their family (and/or met their partner’s family) after one to three months of dating. Fewer (18%) say waited until they had been together for four to six months. 

How long should you wait before going on vacation with a partner? 

For some couples, taking a trip together is the ultimate test of compatibility. One in five (21%) Americans thinks a couple should wait at least four to six months before taking the plunge, but 14% think one to three months into dating is an appropriate time to do so. Fewer (9%) say that seven to nine months into the relationship is the earliest reasonable time to go on vacation together, while 8% think couples should wait until they’ve been together for 10 to 12 months. A few (6%) even think that a couple should wait until after marriage to travel together. 

Men (26%) are ten percentage points more likely than women (16%) to say going on a trip together can happen sometime before the four-month mark of the relationship.  

Among partnered Americans who have vacationed together, 17% say they took their first couples' trip after four to six months of dating. About one in eight (12%) did so a little sooner, after one to three months of dating.    

How long should you wait before moving in with a partner? 

About three in 10 Americans (45%) think couples should wait at least a year before shacking up, with 14% of these saying a couple should wait until they’re married before moving in together. For 17%, the earliest acceptable time is after dating for more than one year but less than two years.  

Men (42%) are more likely than women (32%) to say it’s fine for couples to move in together within the first year of dating. One in 10 men (and 5% of women) think the soonest a couple should do so is after dating for four to six months; 12% of men and 13% of women think that a couple ideally should have spent at least 10 to 12 months together.  

Among those who are married or in a serious relationship and living together, 17% say they moved in together after more than one year of dating, but less than two. One in nine (11%) did so a little sooner, after 10 to 12 months of dating, while an equal number did so after dating for more than two years but less than three.   

How long should you wait before buying a house with a partner? 

Buying a home is a significant commitment. About one in five Americans (22%) thinks this should be something a couple only does once they are married. About half as many (12%) say the earliest acceptable time to do so is after one year of dating (12%) and another 12% say the earliest appropriate time to buy a home is after a couple has been together for more than two years but less than three.  

Among those coupled Americans who have bought a home together, 15% say they were together for at least six years before this happened, while another 14% were together for more than two years but less than three when they purchased a home.  

How long should you wait before getting engaged? 

When is the best time to put a ring on it? A quarter (24%) of Americans say the earliest appropriate time for this is after a couple has been together for more than one year but less than two years. But a quarter (25%) are more trigger-happy – they think a couple can get engaged sometime before reaching the one-year milestone of the relationship. Of these, 11% think the ideal time to get engaged is after dating for 10 to 12 months.  

Men (30%) are more likely than women (20%) to say that it’s acceptable for a couple to get engaged before reaching the one-year mark. Another 21% of men and 26% of women think an appropriate time to get engaged is after dating for more than one year but less than two.  

How long should you wait before marrying someone? 

One in five (20%) Americans says the soonest a couple should think about tying the knot is after being together for more than one year but less than two. Almost as many (17%) say they shouldn’t consider this before the two-to-three year mark, while 9% think the soonest you should do this is after dating for more than three years but fewer than four.  
 
Not everyone is a fan of the long game though: 16% of Americans think it’s fine to get married sometime before your one-year anniversary of dating. One in five men (20%) and 13% of women feel this way.  

Among those who are married, 18% say they tied the knot after dating for more than one year but less than two; 16% waited until the two-to-three-year milestone in the relationship.  

How long should you wait before having a child with your partner? 

Popular opinion on this tends to be that couples should wait until they’re married to have a baby (20% of Americans think this is the ideal time). About half as many (11%) say a couple should be together for more than one year but less than two before they procreate, while another 11% think people should wait until the two-to-three-year mark before doing this.  

Among partnered Americans who have had children, 12% say they conceived after being together for more than one year but less than two, while similar percentages had babies after they were together more than two years but less than three (11%) or more than three years but less than four (12%).  

See full results here.  

Related: Wedding do's and don'ts, according to Americans   

Methodology: 1,323 US adults were surveyed between July 13 - 14, 2021. The responding sample is weighted to be representative of the US population.     

Image: Gender Spectrum Collection

1. “My current boyfriend of five years and I slept together the first night we met. There was no way we weren’t going to. The chemistry between us was crazy strong. Mid hookup I pulled away and said something lame like ‘maybe we shouldn’t’ so he suggested we play ‘just the tip.’ It took exactly thirty seconds before I regained my sensibility and let him fuck me properly. I don’t think there’s any reason to wait if you don’t want to.”

—Charlotte, 27

2. “I made him wait three months and don’t think it’s because I didn’t want to have sex with him. I really wanted to but I was looking for something serious with him and wanted to make sure he was into me enough for some delayed gratification. He was and we’ve been together nearly three years now. Best relationship I’ve ever been in and we’re talking about getting married.”

—Erica, 27

3. “The longest? It was five months but that was an on again off again thing. I wish I’d gone ahead and slept with him the first day I met him and I wouldn’t have even considered spending more time with him. We dated for about three months afterward and we really weren’t compatible sexually and he became controlling quick.”

—Jacqueline, 20

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• For new couples, moving too fast or too slow when it comes to getting physical can be a big worry. 
• Many people wonder when the best time is to start being sexually intimate in a relationship.
• The answer is complicated, spanning anywhere from a few dates to a few months after beginning to spend time together.

Valentine's Day is coming soon, signaling a romantic milestone for many couples. But for some new pairs, the worry that your relationship is moving too fast or too slow can become a major concern.

Which got us wondering: When is the best time to start being sexually intimate in a relationship, according to science?

The answer is complicated, spanning anywhere from a few dates to a few months after you start to spending time together.

One of the reasons it's hard to determine the best time in a relationship to have sex is because there hasn't been a lot of research tackling that specific question. Few studies have looked at the health of a relationship as it relates to when couples first had sex, and the research that has been done mostly features specific samples of people — mainly college students or married heterosexual couples.

But here's what we know about commitment and sex

In the early 2000s, Illinois State University communications professor Sandra Metts performed a study to find out whether having an emotional connection — in particular saying "I love you" before having sex — could have a positive impact on a relationship.

Her study of almost 300 college-age men and women found that it did.

In fact, Metts' results suggested that couples who had sex first then said "I love you" after had a negative experience: The introduction of that conversation was often awkward and apologetic.

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Rachaphak/Shutterstock

That emotional connection is one of the key elements of any relationship, psychotherapist Toni Coleman told Business Insider in 2015.

Having a good level of communication and an understanding of where the relationship is headed also helps ensure the experience will be positive, she said.

Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist from California, agreed that being on the same page emotionally is helpful for finding the best time to start having sex.

"The dating a girl doing theatre important thing is you both agree not to push," he previously told Business Insider. "Be clear that the person is comfortable."

In other words, it's best to wait at least until you're comfortable with each other and have a better picture of what each person wants in the relationship. But when it comes to how much time that takes, it depends.

Here's what three different researchers have to say:

Option 1: Give it a few weeks

According to Goldsmith, a total of 36 hours spent together is all it takes to be ready. Those hours doesn't have to be consecutive, he said — it could be a dinner date plus a weekend afternoon spent together, and so on, until the hours add up. For most people, that would probably take a few weeks.

If a couple waits much longer than that, he says, the strong desire to have sex may begin to subside. There's data to back him up — a 2012 study on sexual desire found that after the beginning phase of a relationship, sexual desire can drop.

Option 2: Hold off for a few months

Harry Metcalfe/Flickr

The honeymoon period is the first few months of a new relationship, when feelings of attraction are intense and it seems as if the person you're with can do no wrong.

"You move past that, and your feet are more on the ground," Coleman said, adding that [Metts' study] suggested the couples who "waited until that level fared a lot better than people who had sex on the first, second, or third date."

Goldsmith disagrees, though — he thinks the time after the honeymoon period is too late.

Option 3: Wait until marriage

Some people's religious beliefs how soon after dating should you have sex that they wait to have sex until after they get married. There isn't much scientific research about how this practice impacts a long-term relationship, however.

In 2010, Dean Busby, the director of the school of family life at Brigham Young University, performed a study that suggested that the longer you delay sex — especially if you wait until marriage — the more stable and satisfying your relationship will be. But Brigham Young University, which funded Busby's research, is owned by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which isn't a fan of sexual intimacy outside of marriage.

That said, Busby's study built on a bit of earlier research, including one observational study that looked at data from the National Survey of Family Growth. Those findings suggested that women who had one or more intimate relationships involving sex before marriage were at a higher risk of divorce later down the line. But again, the evidence to support that claim is very limited.