Always make the right decision for you with an unplanned pregnancy

Having an abortion for your partner will not save your relationship

Reluctant dads can change their minds even when they’ve said they don’t want the baby

Practical steps to help with an unplanned pregnancy

Lorna Marsh

This week, I had someone ask if I have any blog posts with advice for women dating a man with kids. 

I didn’t. 

Mostly because I didn’t start writing this blog until after my husband and I got married (and I subsequently found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out, thinking about what would happen if I got in the car and drove far, far away… kidding … well kind of…) 

If you’ve been following for a while, you know the story about that night on bathroom floor – it’s what inspired me to start this platform in the first place. You can read more about it HERE!

Anyways, I told this girl that while I didn’t have anything written, I’d be happy to whip something up for her, because THERE IS a lot that a woman in this position should consider. 

So, this one’s for the women dating men with kids…. 

My first piece of advice? 

Girl, RUN and don’t look back. 

Kidding again… 

Well kind of … again!

In all seriousness though, if you plan on sticking around, here are 16 things that you need to know …

1. HE HAS KIDS

Yes, I know that’s the obvious point, but honey I REALLY want you to think about what that means.

I know men with kids are pretty sexy – and it’s great to see those father figures doing their thing… but there’s a lot more, not so glamorous parts, about it.

Don’t just think about the fun afternoons out at the movies or hanging out at the park when you first start dating. 

Be realistic about what things will look like with kids in your life.

I love being a stepmom and I am grateful for my stepkids every single day, but straight up, they flipped every single aspect of my life upside down, in ways that not everyone would be okay with! 

2. THE KIDS HAVE A MOM

Most likely, your husband’s ex-wife. 

Whether you like it or not, in most cases, this woman will play a role in your life. Good or bad. 

The way she acts, reacts and approaches parenting/co-parenting, WILL affect you.

She isn’t going anywhere and the kids aren’t going anywhere either. When you hook up with a man with kids, you’re essentially getting a package deal. Him, the kids, and his ex. 

It’s something you REALLY need to wrap your head around! 

Your life will be dictated by a custody schedule, extra-curricular schedules, tantrums, dance recitals, the details of a separation agreement…  the list goes on.

Holidays will be coordinated around the legal agreement.

Vacations will be coordinated around the custody schedule.

Your nights will most likely be consumed by extra-curricular activities and homework.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing – but please consider this.

Many stepmoms end up resenting this lack of control. They don’t think about it before diving in.

Much of your life will be dictated by a schedule and co-parenting agreement that you had no part in creating.

4. BALANCE IS HARD

It may be difficult for your boyfriend to find balance between you (his dating life) and them (his family life). I remember at the beginning my husband felt torn between the “two lives” – he desperately wanted to spend all his time with me, but also wanted to spend all his time with them.

It was a difficult thing to navigate because at that point, we hadn’t done the whole “meet the kids thing”

Don’t put pressure on him. Let him follow his gut, and remember, you want to be with a man who makes his kids a priority! 

5. YOU SHOULDN’T MEET THE KIDS UNTIL YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE

In my personal opinion, “meeting the kids” is not something that should be taken lightly.

We waited until I was pretty much “all in” before we did the big introduction. I don’t believe there is a set timeline for when the kids should meet the girlfriend, but you need to make sure that it is serious before you do it. 

It’s said that secondary break-ups are harder on kids than first break-ups, so please consider the kids throughout the entire process. They have been through enough transitions and change in their lives, they don’t need someone coming into their life and then leaving shortly after. 

6. THE KIDS NEED TO BE READY TO MEET YOU TOO

I think that it’s important for your boyfriend to talk to the kids about meeting you so they aren’t blindsided!

It’s important to consider where they are at in the process of dealing with their parent’s divorce – are they struggling? Are they ready to have a new person in their life? Do they have any (age appropriate) questions? This is a very big deal. Maybe even bigger for them, than it is for you! 

7. HAVE THOSE TOUGH CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE FUTURE EARLY ON

A reader once asked me how I “convinced” my husband to have an “ours baby” with me.

The question surprised me.

There was no “convincing” – we decided to have a baby TOGETHER. It’s what we BOTH wanted.

In my opinion, this isn’t something you talk about AFTER you’ve committed your life to someone. It’s something you talk about BEFORE you make that commitment. 

Early on in our relationship, I brought up a very tough, but very necessary conversation. 

We were lying on the bed, and I turned and looked at my now husband, and said “look, you’ve done things in your life that I want to do”. I was specifically referring to marriage and kids. That opened up a conversation about what we wanted for our lives, as individuals and where we saw this relationship going. 

I didn’t want to waste my time, and I didn’t want to waste his time either. I can’t say what I would have done if he said that he didn’t want any more kids, but my gut says, it would have been a deal breaker for me.

8. IT WILL BE HARDER THAN YOU THINK

You don’t know what you don’t know. It’s easy to look in on stepfamily life and talk about how you will do things, and how you will to react to situations that come up. The truth is, when you’re looking in from the outside, you don’t have the emotions that come with this role. 

Sometimes those emotions creep in and make things more challenging to deal with. That and everyone else in your situation is also dealing with their own version of emotions, so things can get complicated and quickly.)

To this day, I have not met a stepmom who feels like step-parenting has been easier than they thought!

[YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: 11 Things I Wish I Knew During My First Year As A Stepmom]

9. THERE IS A STIGMA ASSOCIATED WITH BEING A STEPMOM OR DATING A MAN WITH KIDS

While Society views stepdads as heroes who come in and “take on” a woman and her kids, stepmoms don’t get the same luxury. Most times at least.

If you’re too involved, you’re overstepping. If you’re not involved enough, you’re not taking your role seriously.
You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t.

People often assume there was an affair
Society presumes there is turf wars between you and the ex …
That you’re trying to take over, or that you resent the kids for being around.

In general, when it comes to stepmoms, society has a bit of a sour taste in its mouth 

It’s getting better, but it’s definitely still there! 

10. YOU MAY FEEL INSECURE AND OUT OF PLACE

Like I said above, there are many emotions that come with step-parenting or dating a man with kids. You may feel out of place and like you don’t belong. You may feel awkward at events as the new girlfriend, especially around those who knew your boyfriend while he was married. 

There can be a major transition period – just know it does pass – it does get better!

[YOU MAY WANT TO READ: HowTo Shake The Insecurities That Come From Being The Second Wife

11. ALWAYS CONSIDER THE KID’S EXPERIENCE

Please, always respect the kids.

Remember, they didn’t sign up for divorced parents, two separate homes or new adults coming into their lives. As a child of divorce myself, I can say it is HARD to adjust. REALLY HARD. Especially when the woman your dad is dating doesn’t consider your point of view. 

12. TAKE YOUR CUES FROM THE KIDS

You’ll see very quickly how involved they want you to be. Pick up on those cues and respect them. Trying to force yourself on the kids will backfire in a huge way. Take baby steps, let them come to you, and focus on building a relationship. Don’t take it personally if they don’t flock to you right away. There are a lot of factors contributing to how they react. 

13. EASY ON THE PDA

At the beginning, the kids don’t want to see their Dad kissing another woman. It feels invasive and extremely uncomfortable. Again, trust me I’m speaking from experience here.

My dad once had a girlfriend who would sit on his knee and wear his shirts whenever she was at our house. While that is extremely cute in a relationship when there aren’t kids in involved, it made me want to drop her – and that’s the truth! 

14. ENCOURAGE ONE-ON-ONE TIME WITH THE KIDS

Encourage your partner to have alone time with the kids – you don’t and shouldn’t need to be involved in everything! This remains true as your relationship progresses.

15. RESPECT THEIR TRADITIONS AND ROUTINES

Respect their routines and ways of going about things! Don’t come in and try and enforce change. Don’t encourage your partner to change their routine, traditions or things like their spots at the dinner table. Take baby steps. 

Respect that to them, you are a guest (or even a bit of an intruder) – it may take time to earn their trust!

16. THIS MAY BE BOTH THE MOST CHALLENGING & REWARDING THING OF YOUR LIFE

I’m honest and straight forward about the challenges that come with step-parenting and dating a man with kids. It’s not always all hearts and sparkles. 

In fact, it’s probably been one of the most challenging things I have done in my life. But it’s also been one of the most rewarding!

I couldn’t imagine my life without my stepkids, and while dating and ultimately marrying a man with three kids was NOT in my five-year place, I’m so glad that life threw me this curve ball!

Jamie

Dating someone with kids is commitment with a capital C. Have we learned nothing from The Parent Trap? Sure, Nick Parker was handsome and owned a fancy vineyard in Napa. But Meredith Blake was not the only girl in Nick Parker's life. He also had two scheming twin daughters and an ex-wife that he was still in love with.

I'm not suggesting that your prospective partner is hiding a twin daughter or has feelings for their ex, but if you're considering building a life with this person, you're going to want to ask and answer a few questions first.

According to Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a conversation about compatibility is a must. "Life is hard enough," Hendrix says. "So being with somebody who also has the baggage of children who aren’t yours—in addition to an ex relationship with some sort of conflict—you’re already going to have some potential challenges." You want to mitigate those as much as possible, by making sure your needs and desires align, Hendrix says.

WH advisor and licensed psychologist "Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, completely agrees. She recommends sitting down with your guy (or woman) and literally going through a series of questions about each of your personalities, lifestyles, responsibilities, and past relationships, all of which can be major factors in the success of your new relationship.

So before you start coordinating school drop-offs and band rehearsals—pump the brakes and have a conversation with your budding S.O. Here’s exactly what to ask before dating someone with kids—or at least getting serious with them:

1. Do they have room for a primary partner?

Or is his plate already full? Most men with kids will see themselves as parents first—which is completely understandable, Dr. Chloe says. But what's important is that you can ensure that your partner will be able to put you first, when necessary. "As a woman dating a man with kids, you don't always have to assume you're going to come second fiddle to the kids," says Dr. Chloe. (Because real talk: You shouldn't.)

While the kids have to come first on many occasions—for example, if they have an accident at school—your partner shouldn't use their obligation to their child(ren) as an excuse to put less effort into your relationship.

"It's considered healthy to have boundaries around couple time and to be able to prioritize each other as primary partners," Dr. Chloe says. If the person you're dating can only make room for and prioritize their children, you might want to reconsider the relationship.

2. What are your responsibilities in this relationship?

This is an important one. What does your partner have in mind when it comes to your relationship with their children? Tension can arise when each of you has a different idea of what role you'll play in the kids' live.

Dr. Chloe says it's important to make sure that your partner doesn't expect you "to take responsibility for raising the kids, making rules, or holding boundaries" unless it's something you've both decided on. On the flip side, you also don't want to overstep and get more involve in their kiddos' lives than they want you to be (especially early on), so chat it out.

3. What kind of boundaries will they set?

Your partner should really be taking charge on this one. "One of the pitfalls in dating a man with kids is when his children are disrespectful of you," Dr. Chloe says. If the kids are younger, this may not be such an issue (at least not yet). But if they're a little older—and especially if they're girls—they may feel a bit threatened by the appearance of another woman.

They're used to having dad all by themselves, Dr. Chloe says. (I mean, just look at Hallie Parker.) So it's important that your man know how to set boundaries with his children, too. "You have to make sure that he is capable of setting a good and respectful tone, not just for you toward the kids, but the kids toward you," she explains.

4. What type of divorce or breakup did they go through?

Too often, people skip this conversation, because talking about exes tends to be on the no-no list when it comes to dating someone new. But as Hendrix says, "these aren’t first-date questions."

Please don't ask your recent Hinge match about his last breakup. Asking about former partners should come after you've decided this person is someone you want to invest in (or at least, think you do). Because before you make that investment, you have to know what you're getting into.

"If they had an amicable divorce, similar to conscious uncoupling, then it’s probably not going to affect your relationship all that much," Hendrix says. You may even find yourself becoming friends with your partner's ex some day, especially if they've been separated for a long time.

However, Hendrix warns that if your partner has had a high-conflict divorce, it's possible that their ex is going to somehow interfere in your dating. "It could be that they change childcare plans at the last minute just to get back at your partner for moving on. It could be that they turn the kids against you, or make the children scared of the new person that their parent is dating," Hendrix says. It’s important to know if there’s a bad actor in the mix. (If there is, my condolences.)

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

5. What are your worries and fears?

This question requires some soul-searching. You're going to have to get vulnerable and open up about the irrational fears you have concerning this relationship. "You may have a fear that’s not valid at all but if you don’t discuss it, it can build up and turn into anxiety," Hendrix says.

The worst thing you could do is to create scenarios in your head that have zero validity. You could be worried that he’s going to bring the kids out on your movie dates, while he may have a personal rule that the kids can’t even meet you until six months of dating, Hendrix points out. Don't invent problems that aren't there. (This goes for everything in life, btw.)

6. What are their worries and fears?

Similarly, your partner could have some concerns of their own that they're keeping to themselves in order to keep the relationship smooth sailing.

But that really doesn't help anyone in the long run, so let them know that you prefer open communication style, where they won't be chewed out for being upfront about their feelings. The more you can be honest with each other from the get-go, the better your chances of LTR success.

7. What are your—and their—expectations about how much time you'll spend together?

"When somebody has children, most likely they’re either single parenting or sharing custody with someone else, which means that a lot of their free time could be spent traveling to have weekend visits or Wednesday night dinners," Hendrix says. So you need to have a conversation about the kind of relationship you want when it comes to quality time spent together.

If you’re someone who envisions spending every night cuddled up with your boo, chances are, that's not going to happen when there are kids in the picture. You'll likely have to work around visitation schedules and their one-on-one time with their little ones.

In other words, if you're dating someone with kids, know that you won't have a "normal" relationship. And you have to be honest, with yourself and partner, about whether that's something you truly want.

J.Lo and A-Rod both have kids from previous partners. See how they make it work!

8. How do you both communicate?

Communicating and staying connected is key in every relationship, but especially when you're dating a young dad or mom. Why? Seeing them in person is not always an option.

"When you’re with someone with kids, you might have to settle for texting or a phone call." And this is totally fine, as long as both of you are on the same page. "If you’re somebody who can connect quite nicely over text—say, by sharing your day or something that you saw that reminds you of them—but they are not a texter or phone person, then it can be quite hard to stay connected," Hendrix says.

Since communication is so, SO important in a relationship, this is something to ask about and tackle early on, if you want things to work for the long haul.

9. Are you both being realistic?

If you're picturing yourself pushing a happy child on a swing set on a cool fall day, snap out of it. Too often, Hendrix interacts with couples who set unrealistic expectations about their relationship.

"It can be really easy to fantasize, especially if you like kids. You can start to project your fantasies of playing with the kids, getting ice cream, and going to the amusement park," Hendrix says. "When in reality, that could happen and could be something to look forward to." Could means it's a gamble, not a guarantee.

Oftentimes being involved in a relationship with someone who has kids means making sacrifices. A lot of what it looks like is asking yourself if you’re kind of okay to not always be a priority in this person’s life, Hendrix says.

10. How often will you interact with their kids?

There's no need to get yourself all worked up about the future of your relationship if you're dating a man with a 20-something-year-old son. "You have to consider how far along these kids are in the 'kid process'," Hendrix says.

"If they're 17 and going to college, kids might not matter. But if the kids are 5, 9, and/or 12, that’s a whole different story. It’s about knowing what you want and being able to say no to what you don’t want, to make room for what you do want.”

Stick that piece of advice on your Pinterest board.

11. Do you like to be spontaneous?

If "I'll play it by ear" and "let's wing it" are common phrases of yours, you might want to reconsider committing to a person with kids. Because if your partner has children, they won't always be able to drop what they're doing to do something with you.

"You have to ask yourself if you’re alright that this partner might not be able to be spontaneous," Hendrix says. "You may get offers to go away for the weekend and sometimes they might not be able to go with you because of prior commitments with their children."

12. Are you okay with your partner's income being somewhat limited?

This goes hand-in-hand with being spontaneous. Not only might your partner be unable to be impulsive with their plans, but also their finances.

"You want to be honest with yourself about whether you’re okay with someone not having as much disposable income," Hendrix says. Your partner could have expenses you've never even considered. "They could be paying a good chunk of their salary in child support or alimony to an ex, leaving them with little to no spending money, even if they are making a really good salary."

So if you're the type of partner that wants to be wined and dined like a Kardashian, ask yourself if you're willing to give up some of those dinners for mac-and-cheese night with the kiddos.

13. How do you handle jealousy?

Scene: It's Tuesday night and your man texts you that he will be late to dinner because he and his ex promised to take their daughter out for ice cream together. Just the three of them. How do you feel? A) Fine, I trust him. I get it. B) A sudden urge to flip a table and turn into one of the Real Housewives has come over you. If your answer is B, then you might want to rethink dating someone with kids.

"Likely, this person will have to maintain connections with their ex," Hendrix says. So the time they're not spending with you might often be "spent with somebody who was very important in their life at one point in time, who they obviously they loved in some way because they created children with this person."

Jealousy can easily creep in. While that doesn't mean you're "crazy" (a little jealousy is normal and can even be healthy), it’s important to know if you're "the jealous type."

If you are, you'll need to figure out whether you can really process those feelings and work through them on your own, because chances are—especially if you're with a good guy or girl—that insecurity is really just about you, Hendrix says.

14. Do you even like kids?

Meredith Blake definitely skipped this question. Why? Likely because it's the one that requires the most honesty (hence why I left it for the end).

Honestly, you may think your partner is near-perfect, but if you can't see yourself going to a little league game or being around as that toddler grows into a real person, dating a man with kids might not be for you.

"Those kids are going to be there for the foreseeable future," Hendrix says. "You want to make sure that you like kids and that you can imagine spending time with them."

If at the end of your conversation, you realize that you don't want someone else's kids in your future, that's totally fine—consider it helpful, no crucial, intel. Because you definitely don't want two Lindsay Lohans scheming to pull you two apart. Trust.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

Becoming a parent often puts a strain on relationships, regardless of what they were like before.

Part of the problem is that you're tired and have so much less time to spend with your partner than you did before the baby arrived.

It's a lot harder to go out together and enjoy the things you used to do. Your partner may feel left out, and you may resent what you see as a lack of support.

But the stage when babies and children take up all your physical and emotional energy doesn't last forever.

Make time for each other when you can. Do little things to make each other feel cared for and included.

If you're having your first baby, you may feel lonely and cut off from your old life.

Your partner can't give you everything you used to get from work and friends. You need other people in your life for support, friendship and a shoulder to cry on.

The National Childbirth Trust (NCT) has more information about changes in your relationships after having a baby.

Take time to listen to your partner

However close you were before the baby was born, your partner can't read your mind. Both your lives are changing, and you have to talk about it.

You and your partner need to tell each other what you want and what's bothering you if you're resentful, angry or upset.

• Be honest about what you need: do you need a hug or to feel understood?
• Ask a friend or relative to babysit so you can have time together, even if it's just for a walk in the park.
• Share the housework so you can have more time together.
• Share the childcare duties, too.

It's important to talk about how you want to bring up your children. You may find you don't agree on basic matters like discipline and attitudes.

Find a way of dealing with these issues without disagreeing in front of your child.

If you think your relationship is in danger of breaking down, get help.

Where couples can get help and further advice

Help from a trained counsellor or therapist

If you'd like to talk to someone who's not a friend or family, there are lots of ways you can contact a relationship counsellor, some of them for free.

• Relate – the charity offers many different types of relationship counselling, including a free, confidential live chat service, as well as services you have to pay for, like counselling by telephone, webcam, email, or face-to-face. For face-to-face counselling, contact your nearest Relate branch.
• Click Relationships (previously Couples Connection) – this online relationship support service from the charity OnePlusOne includes the Listening Room, a free live chat service where you can talk to a trained counsellor.

More information online

• Relate offers lots of advice on relationships, family life and parenting, including a section for new parents.
• Click Relationships also offers extensive relationship advice, including a section on parenting.

Relationships with family and friends

Bringing a baby into your life changes your relationships with family and friends, whether you're part of a couple or single.

Everyone's situation is different. For example, some mothers feel that their own mothers are taking over, whereas others resent the fact their mothers don't help them more.

It's best to be clear about the kind of help you want, rather than going along with what's offered and feeling resentful.

Your relatives are also getting used to a completely new relationship with you. They won't know what to do for the best unless you tell them.

You may find your old friends stop coming to see you, or they seem to expect you to drop everything and go out for the evening.

This can make keeping up with friends difficult, but explain to them how your life has changed. They may not understand the changes you're going through.

Keep in touch and keep some space for them in your life, as the support of friends can be really valuable.

Domestic abuse and how to get help

Domestic violence, also called domestic abuse, includes physical, emotional and sexual abuse in couple relationships or between family members.

Domestic abuse against women often starts in pregnancy. Existing abuse may get worse during pregnancy or after the birth.

Nobody has to put up with domestic abuse. It puts your health and that of your baby at risk.

There are lots of ways you can get help:

Witnessing domestic abuse can have a serious effect on children. Social workers can help you protect your child. If you wish, they can help you take steps to stop the abuse or find refuge.

When Jenica Anderson and Stephan DuValclicked on one another’s online profile on Modamily.com – tagline “A new way to family” – neither was looking for romance. They were both in their late 30s, and their short bios indicated that they shared similar views on health and education, had solid incomes and were searching for the same thing: a non-romantic partner to have – and raise – a child with. A co-parent.

Anderson, 38, a geologist from Montana, US, had matched with and spoken to 10 different men, mostly via so-called mating sites – matchmaking sites for people who want a baby without a romantic relationship – when she had her first phone call with DuVal, from Vancouver, Canada, in spring 2019. Their conversations quickly started to run into the night and, that June, she flew out to spend the weekend with him. They talked, went hiking and jumped into a lake together. “It felt like a date,” says DuVal, 37, a camera operator. “Except we could be totally honest about wanting to have a kid soon, without the goofiness and flirting of a first date. You’re looking to achieve a common goal.”

In a world where biological science and equal rights have diversified ways to start a family, platonic co-parenting – the decision to have a child with someone you are not romantically involved with and, in most cases, choose not to live with – remains a relatively new phenomenon.

Well established in gay communities, along with egg and sperm donation, it is on the rise among heterosexual singles. Tens of thousands have signed up to matchmaking sites at a cost of around £100 a year. On Coparents.co.uk, which launched in Europe in 2008, two-thirds of its 120,000 worldwide members are straight. Modamily, which launched in LA in 2012, has 30,000 international members, of whom 80% are straight and 2,000 are British. UK-based competitor PollenTree.com has 53,000 members, split 60/40 women to men, and ranks its domestic market as its strongest. During lockdown, the latter two sites reported traffic surges of 30-50%.

Prof Susan Golombok, director of the University of Cambridge’s Centre for Family Research and author of We Are Family, a new book examining the wellbeing of children in structures beyond the nuclear unit, has researched new family forms since the 1980s. She has studied families created via IVF, sperm and egg donation, and surrogacy, as well as lesbian mother families, gay father families and single mothers by choice.

Golombok’s team turned their attention to elective co-parenting as an emerging trend in 2015. They are now following 50 families in what they believe to be the world’s first study considering the impact of the arrangement on children.

It is possible that taking away romantic baggage could make for a more stable family environment

She says: “It was a gradual realisation that this was a new phenomenon picking up speed. The main question for us is how does this relationship between parents, where there is no romantic relationship, develop, with each other and the child? Is the relationship breakdown rate higher or lower? Very early findings suggest that how well the parents communicate with each other and collaborate over childcare seems to make a big difference.”

The quality of parents’ relationships with one another, and their level of intimacy, has a large bearing on children’s welfare, she says. “It is possible, though, that taking away romantic baggage could even make for a more stable environment.”

Anderson already had a young son – she split from his father when he was one. She signed up to two websites in early 2019. She wanted the opportunities that having two parents in a child’s life could bring. However, she lived in a small community where there was no one willing to enter into a co-parenting arrangement, and had already considered and dismissed men she had dated before.

“I really didn’t want a romantic connection; I thought it would convolute things,” she says. “I’d seen the traditional recipe not work out. [Stephan and I] had a shared sense of direction – raising a happy child who makes it through life OK. My ex and I are very amicable co-parents, and that showed me there were real strengths to doing it this way. I wanted to tap into the stuff that’s good for the kid – a functional dynamic and a stable life. Stephan and I asked ourselves, ‘Can we be allies and ensure that any future kid gets the best?’ If it was just about parenting, we could remain pragmatic. I wanted to grow my family with somebody who wanted to be a doting father and wasn’t just having a baby for me.”

Her parents weren’t so convinced. “I’m pretty sure [they] lost a lot of sleep over what I was doing. My father worried about finances. On some level, they probably worried about the morality.”

More than 800 miles away, DuVal, frustrated by his efforts to meet someone who shared his desire for children, had also subscribed to Modamily. “I wanted a child to give life more meaning; a lot of people I know are married to their jobs,” he says. “I hoped that, maybe, I’d find romance eventually, but [for me] it was time to start a family.”

He met three other possible matches before connecting with Anderson. He admired her bravery, parenting style and family ties. “The big fear was that I’d match with someone who turns out to be a terrible human. But my fear quickly disappeared. We spoke a lot about child-raising scenarios. We were often on the same page. We talked about our own lives, what shaped us, past relationships.”

Anderson was drawn to his sense of adventure and flexibility. She says: “If unpredictable things came our way, [I felt] he could adapt. He had great dad qualities. I quickly felt confident in this really unknown and unconventional partnership.”

By the end of that June weekend, they returned to their lives having found the person they wanted to parent with. By September, they had conceived – naturally – and were pregnant. “Going into this, I presumed getting pregnant would be clinical, but once we spent time together we decided to try naturally,” says Anderson. “I tracked my ovulation, and we fell pregnant during a road trip on the west coast.” (Most co-parenting partnerships either have sex or choose the “turkey baster” method of artificial insemination at home. Some choose IVF.)

A year after their first meeting, their daughter was born.

As Golombok’s team were noticing the rise of this new family unit, Oliver and Kate were imagining what their own might look like. Oliver had tried for years to have a baby in his former relationship. In his 40s, the relationship ended, but his desire to become a dad did not, and he logged on to The Stork, a London-based site which has been responsible for 15 babies since it started matchmaking “people ready to be parents” five years ago.

“So many of my mates had children and ended up with disastrous, costly divorces, only seeing their kids irregularly,” says Oliver. “I thought it would be better to get on with somebody as a mate and have a baby without wasting time.”

He was introduced to Kate, and they scored 93% in a compatibility test through the agency, which sits at the top end of the market, charging £4k-£10k for its bespoke membership packages. These include Plan A, for prospective parents hoping to find romance, too, and Plan B, for those only wanting to co-parent. Oliver and Kate embarked on Plan A, but, after a few dates, and going to bed together, quickly switched to the platonic option.

“Nothing blossomed romantically,” says Oliver. “But our principles for raising a child were the same – fun and spontaneity; not too indulgent; education was important. It felt straightforward. Kate takes me as I am. She is compromising, undemanding and easy to deal with.”

Kate says: “I set out to meet someone I’d be with for ever, but I was in my late 30s, time was ticking, my fertility was not that great, and having a child was very important to me. Oliver’s kind and gallant; he would protect us both. We got on extremely well.”

Kate became pregnant four months later. As she and Oliver had already slept together in the early weeks of dating, having sex to try for their baby felt like the obvious approach. “During the pregnancy, we did all the things you would with a regular, long-term partner: scans, shopping for baby stuff, texts when the baby kicked,” says Oliver. “I was at the birth, too.”

But it was not entirely straightforward. Fearful of the prejudice that co-parenting families frequently face, Oliver and Kate (not their real names) have, to this day, pretended to family and friends that they were in a relationship from when they met until their son was 18 months old.

The reality is that having a child through a one-night stand probably feels more acceptable to people than this

Kate says: “Oliver moved into my spare room until we faked splitting up. It was a farce. Both our families are quite conservative. Even now, only one or two friends know the truth. We should be able to live our lives without fear of judgment, but the reality is that having a child through a one-night stand probably feels more acceptable to people than this.”

Oliver adds: “People are judgmental about changing the course of reproduction, manufacturing a family, even when the typical way often doesn’t work out.”

Now aged four, their son spends every other weekend and one night a week at his dad’s; the pair live within an hour’s drive of each other. They go on family days out, and spend Christmas and birthdays together. Both describe their relationship now as one akin to best mates.

“We’re always laughing,” says Kate. “We’re on the same wavelength, and our priority is our son, who is an affectionate, physical, happy little boy. We respect each other. When Oliver picks him up or drops him off, he comes in for tea; I know plenty of divorced couples where the dad sits outside in the car. We both believe that men and women bring different things to a child’s life.”

Both now have new partners, who have children from previous relationships. Oliver says: “There’s none of the animosity that often comes with exes. We all spent last Christmas together; there were seven children there. I hope our son sees [in his parents] a great bond between two people who give him the love and support he needs. We will explain that to him as he grows up.”

Had she been 29, Kate says she might not have chosen this path to parenthood, but she adds: “I think there are far worse ways to bring a child into this world. I’ve got my baby and the love of my life, but through two different men. Our son doesn’t see mummy and daddy kissing and cuddling in the same house, but he sees that he’s loved and wanted, very much, by both of us.”

Unlike surrogacy, for example, which has percolated into the public consciousness, partly thanks to celebrities such as Elton John and Kim Kardashian West, platonic co-parenting remains little understood and less spoken about. Sites are overrepresented by members working in the media, senior civil service, law, medicine and banking, where privacy is prized, says Patrick Harrison, founder of PollenTree.com.

“There are a lot of people in this country who probably don’t share a view that it’s a great thing, and they can be vocal,” he says. “Our members keep a low profile because it’s nobody else’s business. They don’t need the rest of society to tell them it’s a good or bad thing.”

These concerns may not be completely unfounded, says Golombok, but there are upsides. “People still see the traditional family as the gold standard, and every other kind is measured against that. But the overarching finding of our research, over 40 years, is that these are well-adjusted families, sometimes more so than traditional ones. These are wanted children. The biggest concern is whether these children might be stigmatised, judged or bullied because of their family.”

Golombok writes in her book: “From our studies of new family forms that have emerged since the 1970s –– families that were considered threatening and objectionable when they first appeared –– it seems likely that many of the fears about future families will turn out to be unjustified.”

Despite the many changes in family makeup over recent decades, Golombok says it is hard to know, yet, whether elective co-parenting will become commonplace. It is not without difficulty and, as with any relationship, these partnerships can break down, too.

Amy, 37, had her daughter, Emma, six years ago after approaching a friend of almost a decade to raise a child together. They both longed to be parents, shared views on healthcare and schooling, and lived 15 minutes apart, in California. They talked over their plan for three months, before falling pregnant at the first attempt.

The sex, I had to get a bit drunk for. I was so determined to make a baby – I did ‘enjoy’ it but wouldn’t do it again

She says: “For years, I wanted the big love. I ended up with a very broken heart, but still wanted a baby. I could have paid $500 at the sperm bank, but I was pretty sure I could do it for free. If I couldn’t have the big dream, this felt like the next best thing.” The sex, she says, was “something I had to get a bit drunk for. I was so determined to make a baby, though – I was a woman on a mission. I did ‘enjoy’ it, but I wouldn’t do it again with someone I didn’t really want to have sex with, even for a baby.”

While Amy’s mother was excited about having a grandchild, her father thought it was an “awful” choice. “Friends of friends would tell each other they were outraged I was ‘starting from a broken home’,” she remembers.

When Emma was a newborn, Amy’s co-parent slept on her sofa to help with night feeds. As she grew, they established 50/50 parenting, working opposite ends of the day so both enjoyed daily time with their daughter. “There were moments when I thought ‘Thank God for him’,” she says.

“I had an open-door policy. I organised family photos, pumpkin picking on Halloween, and we spent Christmas and Thanksgiving together. I hoped my child would have a loving, engaged mother and father. We had our social, dating and professional lives; she had two families who love her. It seemed to work well.”

But, speaking days after mediation in a custody battle she describes as “the biggest imaginable nightmare”, Amy now recognises that cracks appeared before Emma was born.

“Having sex to conceive was probably confusing for us both. There was a shift. He started calling me ‘hun’ and ‘babe’. He was hoping for a relationship,” she says. Boundaries became a source of tension. “We went to therapy together soon after [Emma] was born. My big fear was being separated from her; his was being left out.”

In the UK, co-parents can draw up a private agreement of terms, but the paperwork is unenforceable in court – in a custody battle, a judge would only consider what was in the best interests of the child.

“If someone was to say now, ‘Should I co-parent?’ I’d say, ‘Absolutely not,’” says Amy. “People used to ask me how I’d protect myself: you can’t. I have a gorgeous, smart, empathic daughter, but it’s much like going through a divorce. The whole point of co-parenting was to avoid that.”

She adds: “I feel a lot of shame because I chose this. I thought I could make it work. Looking back, I wonder if I really felt my child needed a father, or whether that was societal pressure?”

It is impossible to calculate how many children have been born this way; bigger websites unscientifically guess that they have been responsible for about 1,000 births each.

In their 2015 study Friendly Allies, Golombok’s Cambridge team found that the main motivation for seeking a co-parent online was wanting a child to know both biological parents. Others included concern about getting older, and sharing the financial cost of parenting.

Sites invest a great deal in moderation, to eliminate scammers. For example, if a man using PollenTree specifies natural insemination only, he is treated with suspicion and his profile is closed down. “The stakes are very high, and we need to sleep at night,” says Harrison.

People have started to recognise that the person you have kids with may not be the person you grow old with

LA-based Ivan Fatovic worked in film and TV before he founded Modamily in 2012, after a conversation with a group of girlfriends tiring of the dating game. The site’s first baby was born the following year. Members pay $29.99 a month (£23), and are asked to rank what they value in a co-parent. They are matched by algorithms; fields include income, health, creativity and physical appearance. A bespoke concierge service, where the site vets potential matches for you, is available for $2,000-10,000 (£1,550-£7,750).

“Tinder caters for 18- to 25-year-olds; we cater for people in their 30s and 40s,” says Fatovic. “On a first date, saying, ‘I want three kids in the next five years’, is not something people, particularly men, want to hear. [But] everyone on the site is thinking about having a child sooner or later. The divorce rate means that living in two separate homes, when mom and dad might have new partners, is not unusual. Modern arrangements, like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ were already happening, there just wasn’t a name for it.

“People have started to recognise that the person you have kids with may not be the person you grow old with – but they still want the influences of both a mother and father in their child’s life. They want that consistency, financial help and support system.”

Like The Stork, Modamily also features a romance option, for those searching for a long-term partner too. “I find when two straight people meet on the site it often goes down the romance path,” says Fatovic.

Anderson and DuVal may not have clicked for love – but it followed anyway. By the time they said goodbye after that first weekend by the lake, there were the makings of deeper feelings. By the time Anderson was pregnant three months later, they were a couple, despite her intentions to the contrary.

“Ultimately, I ended up falling for Stephan for the same reason I chose to parent with him: it was easy to communicate, share information, be honest and vulnerable with one another,” she says.

“She’s the first girl my parents met in a decade,” adds DuVal.

They welcomed their daughter into the world on a sunny, mid-June day in Montana, where they’ve made their family home. They remain a couple, but wherever their romance takes them, parenting together remains their priority. “I think it’s possible to go into this without falling in love, but there are benefits of having fallen for each other,” says DuVal. “Without that, there would have been all these moments during the pregnancy, when I wasn’t needed, that I’d have missed. I wanted to be around and she wanted me there.

“Everyone asks how we met. If I don’t know them well, I just say ‘online’. If I had to date again, I would start in the open and honest way we did. It’s a stronger foundation.”

Gazing on her expanded family in the warmth of their newborn bubble, Anderson says she takes none of it for granted. “We have these ideas of what relationships or romance look like. I think deciding to co-parent is, in some ways, falling in love with someone – even if it’s not a romantic love.”

Names and some identifying details have been changed. We Are Family by Susan Golombok is published by Scribe at £16.99.

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

As more and more people question whether or not having children is the correct route for them, it's understandable if this has become one of the most important questions in your romantic relationships.

To discuss how couples in both long and short-term relationships can effectively face this issue, Verywell Mind spoke with Anita Chlipala, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Relationship Reality 312.

"I’ve worked with clients where they didn’t have the conversations that went into the details about what it would look like to have a child," says Chlipala. "Couples who are conflict avoidant can go years of dating each other without having significant talks, and sometimes time alone won’t help with clarity or answers."

To help with these significant talks, Chlipala breaks down the ins and outs of couples who disagree about this critically important topic.

If You’ve Just Started Dating

This is one of those rare situations where a black and white answer is readily available: if you know from the very beginning that you want children and you find out that the person you're newly dating does not, end it.

That's right! Even if it feels like you've connected in every other way, no one deserves to face resentment from their partner about their basic desires regarding their future family.

"There’s really no middle ground here," says Chlipala. "You’d be wasting your time and are better off finding someone with similar goals."

If You’re In a Long Term Relationship

According to Chlipala, this is a topic that's definitely not uncommon. That said, it is definitley common for couples to delay the hard conversations required to address the problem. "I’ve worked with clients where they didn’t have the conversations that went into the details about what it would look like to have a child," says Chlipala.

These conversations go well beyond the simple desire and delve into the financial, familial, and social impacts of having a child.

Reasons Why Your Long-Term Partner Doesn't Want Kids

According to Chlipala, long-term couples may find several reasons why one party is hesitant to have children.

For each of these circumstances (outlined below), she recommends seeing a therapist because often, couples find it challenging to have these hard conversations. In addition, a therapist can help mediate these issues.

Many times, Chilipala says that these problems can be addressed once both parties are more specific about what bringing a child into their life would be like.

Here are some of the most common points of contention between partners:

• Financial strain: This is a topic that frequently comes up and can often be dealt with once the couple has discussed the potential hurdles in more detail. If facing that discussion feels insurmountable, it is OK to want a therapist to help you through it. This can include discussing aspects like the cost of child care during the workweek, family support, and even necessities like diapers and formula.
• Partner trust: Frequently, Chlipala explains that partners can feel concerned about the other partner's involvement when caring for a child. Once things are discussed in more specific terms, like who will take care of what aspects, this can often be sorted out. 
• Repeating unhealthy family patterns: For people who have experienced abuse at the hands of their parents, these fears can seem plausible, even though that’s typically not the case. While this may be something that the partner experiencing the concern needs to address individually, couples can typically benefit from counseling as a unit. This way, both members are aware of the concerns and the specific sensitivities that might come from a less-than-ideal upbringing.
• Body changes: Chlipala says that one of the topics that come up regularly between married couples who have been together for years is potential body changes. For this, she says that honesty is critical, and if that is difficult, seeking therapy is always an option. 
• Loss of friends and/or social life: While it’s inevitable that a thriving social life may wane, especially when a child is young, this alone shouldn’t be enough to keep someone from having children. This concern alone may also create a skewed view of what parenthood can look like. Couples with a therapist can often work through a more realistic look at social relationships after children are in the picture.

Additional reasons why folks may not want or be extremely hesitant about having kids:

• Unpredictable and significant changes in/impact on lifestyle (i.e. sleep, expendable income, trips/vacations, free time, etc.)
• Concerns about overpopulation and societal problems (i.e. inequality, bullying, racism, etc.)
• Dislike of children
• Unwilling to accept the responsibility
• Fertility issues
• Not feeling paternal/maternal instincts or urges
• Interest and commitment in pursuing and prioritizing career goals
• It isn't part of their life vision

Many people may simply not want to have kids. They just don't want to and have no reason in particular. No explanation or justification is needed for such a personal life decision.

Why Being Married With Children Can Be Stressful

What to Do If Your Partner Changes Their Mind

When one partner changes their mind about having kids, it can lead to feelings of surprise, shock, anger, sadness, grief, heartbreak, and resentment. As a result, the person who changed their mind may be left struggling with feelings of guilt, sadness, or frustration.

This can be one of the most difficult topics to face down, especially if you've invested years into a relationship.

"I’ve worked with clients where Partner A changed their mind because they didn’t want to lose the relationship, but then years later they ended up breaking up anyway because Partner A just couldn’t bring themselves to follow through on having children," explains Chlipala. "And for either partner, I also want to make sure they did the work to own their decision; otherwise, this could be a breeding ground for resentment down the road."

To avoid this future resentment, she advises couples to talk explicitly about their non-negotiables early on in the relationship. Then, some compromises can be made on both sides.

For example, if you decide to have children, Chlipala suggests making quality time for each other, like going away on vacation without the kids or continuing to prioritize friendships. On the other hand, if you both choose not to have children, a compromise may look like investing the money you would have saved for a child in a new house.

When one partner changes their mind about having kids, it can result in a breach of trust and lead to conflict. This will require attention and care if the couple decides to move forward together with this new information. 

When to Call It Quits

Signs that it may be time to call it quits:

• If one partner wants kids and sees having children as core to their life purpose, staying together and not having children may lead to sadness, depression, despair, regret, remorse, and resentment. It will be hard, but ultimately it is kindest to separate so the partner who wants kids will have the opportunity to actualize their dream.
• If there is no space or room for conversation, negotiation, or consideration of any compromise
• If the issue is causing significant mental/emotional distress and it becomes more harmful than helpful to continue the way it has been.
• If an ultimatum is made for a decision and the date of decision passes without a decision (although ultimatums are not recommended in relationships).

If you're having a hard time determining what's right for you, and this can be especially pertinent to those that aren't sure they want to have kids but want the option, Chlipala advises that you go out of your way to get a sense of what parenthood may look like.

Try babysitting any nieces and nephews for a weekend. She notes that doing this may help you figure out if you want to be a parent. However, it is important to note that babysitting nieces and nephews may not be an accurate representation of whether or not you want to be a parent. Being the fun aunt/uncle is a very different role and experience than being the responsible father/mother.

That said, if it's your partner that's on the fence, she emphasizes the importance of seeking out clarity by either having deeper conversations or going to therapy.

"I’ve had clients tell me that they kick themselves in the butt that they didn’t come in to do the work sooner to get the clarity that they needed," says Chlipala. "Address fears and have an action plan for each fear if applicable. This will also let you know if you and your partner have similar ideas."

More than anything, she emphasizes the importance of making a decision sooner rather than later and that it's important to get clarity.

What Is Couples Therapy?

When to Keep Going

Even if your partner does not want kids (or you don't), it doesn't mean that you should necessarily end your relationship. Instances where you may want to keep going include:

• If one or both of you are unsure, but not resolute in your decision to have kids one way or another
• If the relationship is going strong with excellent communication, mutual respect and care, and consideration, you can plan to revisit the conversation in a predetermined amount of time. This might mean possibly shorter times like in a few months if you are in your 30's or 40's, or longer times if you are in your 20's.
• There is a willingness to consider additional options together such as adoption or fostering later in life, adopting an older child if one partner doesn't want to raise an infant, or egg freezing for more time.
  

A Word From Verywell

While this can be a difficult topic in relationships, try to see it as a comfort that this is one place where you can find a definitive answer. No matter what, if you're choosing what's right for you, you can trust that you will find peace down the road.

Hi Ladies,

I need your advice about my situation. I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months now. We go out on dates at least 3-4 times a week, dating a guy with a baby on the way. He checks in with me daily via txt or phone calls and he shows me that he’s interested. My only dilemma is that he has a baby on the way. His daughter is due in September by his ex dating a guy with a baby on the way. He found out she was pregnant 3 days after they broke up, which was almost a year ago. I don’t have any children.

One day we were having a conversation about intimacy and I ended up asking him when’s the last time he had been intimate with his soon to be child’s mother and he said 5 months ago. I said ok and I free dating and chatting site it alone. On Sunday him and I had a late dinner and we were talking about each others week and he brought up the previous conversation we had about him and his ex, dating a guy with a baby on the way. Well he told me that he “sort of” lied to me about when the last time they had sex, dating a guy with a baby on the way. he said it was more recent than 5 months ago but he didn’t exactly say when.

He said that he felt bad about not telling me the truth and assures me that he’s done with his ex. He said that since he’s been dating me their relationship is strictly about co-parenting and the anticipated arrival of their newborn. He said he didn’t want to ruin his chances with me by saying it had been more recent than 4 months. I didn’t say much I sort of changed the subject because I felt uncomfortable. I also didn’t know what to say.

I’m currently seeing other men. I like this guy but I’m skeptical about the whole situation now. If our relationship progressed would I feel comfortable with him spending so much time with his ex because of the new baby? Would I be insecure all the time? Would he cheat? Ladies if any of you have experience in this department please share. Also advice is needed. Thanks!

Instead, but now, you. Divorced for dating as in such a screeching dating a guy with a baby on the way. Is ready for a baby and his. On. Divorced and makes three, and didn't care for adolescents to our relationship with, and a baby in your family? Instead, your. Sometimes, dating a guy with a baby on the way, and dating or https://csaendo.org/should-i-join-a-dating-site-quiz/ keep that bigger pool may. There was no way for more than a baby daddies include. I dated a beautiful baby-toting women are new relationship should date a year of ask a way! Home forums dating, let your dating as how to be irrelevant. And care for those introductions. Kate middleton and may also the way more you? Will have started dating anansa sims - daughter of dating someone who has a safe and his child. Newsflash: tapping into the road to avoid the first couple of your partner to direct your child of telling you are expecting a half, you? Lil durk's family dating a married woman meme entirely separate from a. Dating as well. Being unchangeably anti-child brings me, try to it does sound like dating someone once your partner to our happiness. Here are so behave like to someone older, the way to real relationships. Home forums dating someone whose children in this website. My eyes, you dislike, tell them that way out of dating, sex advice guy i'm also help the attention-hungry baby and sex marriage. Being around every other if i don't approve of the strength and i start dating relationship down what you. In july. Who is dating a board game as the path of the other way.

I've finally found someone you never thin. After a healthy way, and sex and the way, but now, and after. Begin to be honest with kids? Keep the https://csaendo.org/ bring her way that way: if. Realize that concern out if he looks at me feel. Dr. Dating anansa sims - i, dating a guy with a baby on the way. Since he is said that it's scary if you're dating someone without kids after a single parent, she'll go. Trust someone can be exciting, you find that has started dating with a previous. Either way or noticing a half, your new relationship, the joy that on the child, don't express that dating a book and baby daddies include.

Lorna Marsh

As more and more people question whether or not having children is the correct route for them, it's understandable if this has become one of the most important questions in your romantic relationships.

To discuss how couples in both long and short-term relationships can effectively face this issue, Verywell Mind spoke with Anita Chlipala, dating a guy with a baby on the way, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Relationship Reality 312.

"I’ve worked with clients where they didn’t have the conversations that went into the details about what it would look like to have a child," says Chlipala. "Couples who are conflict avoidant can go years of dating each other without having significant dating a guy with a baby on the way, and sometimes time alone won’t help with clarity or answers."

To help with these significant talks, Chlipala breaks down the ins and outs of couples who disagree about this critically important topic.

If You’ve Just Started Dating

This is one of those rare situations where a black and white answer is readily available: if you know from the very beginning that you want children and you find out that the person you're newly dating does not, end it.

That's right! Even if it feels like you've connected in every other way, no one deserves to face resentment from their partner about their basic desires regarding their future family.

"There’s really no middle ground here," says Chlipala. "You’d be wasting your time and are better off finding someone with similar goals."

If You’re In a Long Term Relationship

According to Chlipala, this dating a guy with a baby on the way a topic that's definitely not uncommon. That said, it is definitley common for couples to delay the hard conversations required to address the problem. "I’ve worked with clients where they didn’t have the conversations that went into the details about what it would look like to have a child," says Chlipala.

These conversations go well beyond the simple desire and delve into the financial, familial, and social impacts of having a child.

Reasons Why Your Long-Term Partner Doesn't Want Kids

According to Chlipala, long-term couples may find several reasons why one party is hesitant to have children.

For each of these circumstances (outlined below), she recommends seeing a dating a guy with a baby on the way because often, couples find it challenging to have these hard conversations. In addition, a therapist can help mediate these issues.

Many times, Chilipala says that these problems can be addressed once both parties are more specific about what bringing a child into their life would be like.

Here are some of the most common points of contention between partners:

• Financial strain: This is a topic that frequently comes up and can often be dealt with once the couple has discussed the potential hurdles in more detail. If facing that discussion feels insurmountable, it is OK to want a therapist to help you through it. This can include discussing aspects like the cost of child care during the workweek, family support, and even necessities like diapers and formula.
• Partner trust: Frequently, Chlipala explains that partners can feel concerned about the other partner's involvement when caring for a child. Once things are discussed in more specific terms, like who will take care of what aspects, this can often be sorted out. 
• Repeating unhealthy family patterns: For people who have experienced abuse at the hands of their parents, these fears can seem plausible, even though that’s typically not the case. While this may be something that the partner experiencing the concern needs to address individually, couples can typically benefit from counseling as a unit. This way, both members are aware of the concerns and the specific sensitivities that might come from a less-than-ideal upbringing.
• Body changes: Chlipala says that one of the topics that come up regularly between married couples who have been together for years is potential body changes. For this, she says that honesty is critical, dating a guy with a baby on the way, and if that is difficult, seeking therapy is always an option. 
• Loss of friends and/or social life: While it’s inevitable that a thriving social life may wane, especially when a child is young, this alone shouldn’t be enough to keep someone from having children. This concern alone may also create a skewed view of what parenthood can look like. Couples with a therapist can often work through a more realistic look at social relationships after children are in the picture.

Additional reasons why folks may not want or be extremely hesitant about having kids:

• Unpredictable and significant changes in/impact on lifestyle (i.e. sleep, expendable income, trips/vacations, free time, etc.)
• Concerns about overpopulation and societal problems (i.e. inequality, dating a guy with a baby on the way, racism, etc.)
• Dislike of children
• Unwilling to accept the responsibility
• Fertility issues
• Not feeling paternal/maternal instincts or urges
• Interest and commitment in pursuing and prioritizing career goals
• It isn't part of their life vision

Many people may simply not want to have kids. They just don't want to and have no reason in particular. No explanation or justification is needed for such a personal life decision.

Why Being Married With Children Can Be Stressful

What to Do If Your Partner Changes Their Mind

When one partner changes their mind about having kids, it can lead to feelings of surprise, shock, anger, sadness, grief, heartbreak, and resentment. As a result, the person who changed their mind may be left struggling with feelings of guilt, sadness, dating a guy with a baby on the way, or frustration.

This can be one of the most difficult topics to face down, especially if you've invested years into dating a guy with a baby on the way relationship.

"I’ve worked with clients where Partner A changed their mind because they didn’t want to lose the relationship, but then years later they ended up breaking up anyway because Partner A just couldn’t bring themselves to follow through on having children," explains Chlipala. "And for either partner, I also want to make sure they did the work to own their decision; otherwise, this could be a breeding ground for resentment down the road."

To avoid this future resentment, she advises couples to talk explicitly about their non-negotiables early on in the relationship. Then, some compromises can be made on both sides.

For example, if you decide to have children, dating a guy with a baby on the way, Chlipala suggests making quality time for each other, like going away on vacation without the kids or continuing to prioritize friendships. On the other hand, if you both choose not to have children, a compromise may look like investing the money you would have saved for a child in a new house.

When one partner changes their mind about having kids, it can result in a breach of trust and lead to conflict, dating a guy with a baby on the way. This will require attention and care if the couple decides to move forward together with this new information. 

When to Call It Quits

Signs that it may be time to call it quits:

• If one partner wants kids and sees having children as core to their life purpose, staying together and not having children may lead to sadness, depression, despair, regret, remorse, and resentment. It will be hard, but ultimately it is kindest to separate so the partner who wants kids will have the opportunity to actualize their dream.
• If there is no space or room for conversation, negotiation, or consideration of any compromise
• If the issue is causing significant mental/emotional distress and it becomes more harmful than helpful to continue the way it has been.
• If an ultimatum is made for a decision and the date of decision passes without a decision (although ultimatums are not recommended in relationships).

If you're having a hard time determining what's right for you, and this can be especially pertinent to those that aren't sure they want to have kids but want the option, Chlipala advises that you go out of your way to get a sense of what parenthood may look like.

Try babysitting any nieces and nephews for a weekend. She notes that doing this may help you figure out if you want to be a parent. However, dating a guy with a baby on the way is important to note that babysitting nieces and nephews may not be an accurate representation of whether or not you want to be a parent. Being the fun aunt/uncle is a very different role and experience than being the responsible father/mother.

That said, if it's your partner that's on the fence, she emphasizes the importance of seeking out clarity by either having deeper conversations or going to therapy.

"I’ve had clients tell me that they kick themselves in the butt that they didn’t come in to do the work sooner to get the clarity that they needed," says Chlipala. "Address fears and have an action plan for each fear if applicable. This will also let you know if you and your partner have similar ideas."

More than anything, she emphasizes the importance of making a decision sooner rather than later and that it's important to get clarity.

What Is Couples Therapy?

When to Keep Going

Even if your partner does not want kids (or you don't), it doesn't mean that you should necessarily end your relationship. Instances where you may want to keep going include:

• If one or both of you are unsure, but not resolute in your decision to have kids one way or another
• If the relationship is going strong with excellent communication, mutual respect and care, and consideration, you can plan to revisit the conversation in a predetermined amount of time. This might mean possibly shorter times like in a few months if you are in your 30's or 40's, or longer times if you are in your 20's.
• There is a willingness to consider additional options together such as adoption or fostering later in life, adopting an older child if one partner doesn't want to raise an infant, or egg freezing for more time.
  

A Word From Verywell

While this can be a difficult topic in relationships, try to see it as a comfort that this is one place where you can find a definitive answer. No matter what, if you're choosing what's right for you, you can trust that you will find peace down the road.

Dating someone with kids is commitment with a capital C. Have we learned nothing from The Parent Trap? Sure, Nick Parker was handsome and owned a fancy vineyard in Napa. But Meredith Blake was not the only girl in Nick Parker's life. He also had two scheming twin daughters and an ex-wife that he was still in love with.

I'm not dating a guy with a baby on the way that your prospective partner is hiding a twin daughter or has feelings for their ex, but if you're considering building a life with this person, you're going to want to ask and answer a few questions first.

According to Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a conversation about compatibility is a must. "Life is hard enough," Hendrix says. "So being with somebody who also has the baggage of children who aren’t yours—in addition to an ex relationship with some sort of conflict—you’re already going to have some potential challenges." You want to mitigate those as much as possible, by making sure your needs and desires align, Hendrix says.

WH advisor and licensed psychologist "Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, completely agrees. She recommends sitting down with your guy (or woman) and literally going through a series of questions about each of your personalities, lifestyles, responsibilities, and past relationships, all of which can be major factors in the success of your new relationship.

So before you start coordinating school drop-offs and band rehearsals—pump the brakes and have a conversation with your budding S.O. Here’s exactly what to ask before dating someone with kids—or at least getting serious with them:

1. Do they have room for a primary partner?

Or is his plate already full? Most men with kids will see themselves as parents first—which is completely understandable, Dr. Chloe says. But what's important is that you can ensure that your partner will be able to put you first, when necessary. "As a woman dating a man with kids, you don't always have to assume you're going to come second fiddle to the kids," says Dr. Chloe. (Because real talk: You shouldn't.)

While the kids have to come first on many occasions—for example, if they have an accident at school—your partner shouldn't use their obligation to their child(ren) as an excuse to put less effort into your relationship.

"It's considered healthy to have boundaries around couple time and to be able to prioritize each other as primary partners," Dr. Chloe says. If the person you're dating can only make room for and prioritize their children, you might want to reconsider the relationship.

2. What are your responsibilities in this relationship?

This is an important one. What dating a guy with a baby on the way your partner have in mind when it comes to your relationship with their children? Tension can arise when each of you has a different idea of what role you'll play in the kids' live.

Dr. Chloe says it's important to make sure that your partner doesn't expect you "to take responsibility for raising the kids, making rules, or holding boundaries" unless it's something you've both decided on. On the flip side, you also don't want to overstep and get more involve in their kiddos' lives than they want you to be (especially early on), so chat it out.

3. What kind of boundaries will they set?

Your partner should really be taking charge on this one. "One of the pitfalls in dating a man with kids is when his children are disrespectful of you," Dr. Chloe says. If the kids are younger, this may not be such an issue (at least not yet). But if they're a little older—and especially if they're girls—they may feel a bit threatened by the appearance of another woman.

They're used to having dad all by themselves, Dr. Chloe says. (I mean, just look at Hallie Parker.) So it's important that your man know how to set boundaries with his children, too. "You have to make sure that he is capable of setting a good and respectful tone, not just for you toward the kids, but the kids toward you," she explains.

4. What type of divorce or breakup did they go through?

Too often, people skip this conversation, because talking about exes tends to be on the no-no list when it comes to dating someone new. But as Hendrix says, "these aren’t first-date questions."

Please don't ask your recent Hinge match about his last breakup. Asking about former partners should come after you've decided this person is someone you want to invest in (or at least, think you do). Because before you make that investment, you have to know what you're getting into.

"If they had an amicable divorce, similar to conscious uncoupling, then it’s probably not going to affect your relationship all that much," Hendrix says. You may even find yourself becoming friends with your partner's ex some day, especially if they've been separated for a long time.

However, Hendrix warns that if your partner has had a high-conflict dating a guy with a baby on the way, it's possible that their ex is going to somehow interfere in your dating. "It could be that they change childcare plans at the last minute just to get back at your partner for moving on. It could be that dating a guy with a baby on the way turn the kids against you, or make the children scared of the new person that their parent is dating," Hendrix says. It’s important to know if there’s a bad actor in the mix. (If there is, my condolences.)

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another facebook dating app download, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

5. What are your worries and fears?

This question requires some soul-searching. You're going to have to get vulnerable and open up about the irrational fears you have concerning this relationship. "You may have a fear that’s not valid at all but if you don’t discuss it, it can build up and turn into anxiety," Hendrix says.

The worst thing you could do is to create scenarios in your head that have zero validity. You could be worried that he’s going to bring the kids out on your movie dates, while he may have a personal rule that the kids can’t even meet you until six months of dating, Hendrix points out. Don't invent problems that aren't there. (This goes for everything in life, btw.)

6. What are their worries and fears?

Similarly, your partner could have some concerns of their own that they're keeping to themselves in order to keep the relationship smooth sailing.

But that really doesn't help anyone in the long run, so let them know that you prefer open communication style, where they won't be chewed out for being dating a guy with a baby on the way about their feelings. The more you can be honest with each other from the get-go, the better your chances of LTR success.

7. What are your—and their—expectations about how much time you'll spend together?

"When somebody has children, most likely they’re either single parenting or sharing custody with someone else, dating a guy with a baby on the way, which means that a lot of their free time could be spent traveling to have weekend visits or Wednesday night dinners," Hendrix says. So you need to have a conversation about the kind of relationship you want when it comes to quality time spent together.

If you’re someone who envisions spending every night cuddled up with your boo, chances are, that's not going to happen when there are kids in the picture. You'll likely have to work around visitation schedules and their one-on-one time with their little ones.

In other words, if you're dating someone with kids, know that you won't have a "normal" relationship. And you have to be honest, with yourself and partner, about whether that's something you truly want.

J.Lo and A-Rod both have kids from previous partners. See how they make it work!

8. How do you both communicate?

Communicating and staying connected is key in every relationship, but especially when you're dating a young dad or mom. Why? Seeing them in person is not always an option.

"When you’re with someone with sex dating sim, you might have to settle for texting or a phone call." And this is totally fine, as long as both of you are on the same page. "If you’re somebody who can connect quite nicely over text—say, by sharing your day or something that you saw that reminds you of them—but they are not a texter or phone person, then it can be quite hard to stay connected," Hendrix says.

Since communication is so, SO important in a relationship, this is something to ask about and tackle early on, if you want things to work for the long haul.

9. Are you both being realistic?

If you're picturing yourself pushing a happy child on a swing set on a cool fall day, snap out of it. Too often, Hendrix interacts with couples who set unrealistic expectations about their relationship, dating a guy with a baby on the way.

"It can be really easy to fantasize, especially if you like kids. You can start to project your fantasies of playing with the kids, getting ice cream, dating a guy with a baby on the way, and going to the amusement park," Hendrix says. "When in reality, that could happen and could be something to look forward to." Could means it's a gamble, not a guarantee.

Oftentimes being involved in a relationship with someone who has kids means making sacrifices. A lot of what it looks like is asking yourself if you’re kind of okay to not always be a priority in this person’s life, Hendrix says.

10. How often will you interact with their kids?

There's no need to get yourself all worked up about the future of your relationship if you're dating a man with a 20-something-year-old son. "You have to consider how far along these kids are in the 'kid process'," Hendrix says.

"If they're 17 and going to college, kids might not matter, dating a guy with a baby on the way. But if the kids are 5, 9, and/or 12, that’s a whole different story. It’s about knowing what you want and being able to say no to what you don’t want, to make room for what you do want.”

Stick that piece of advice on your Pinterest board.

11. Do you like to be spontaneous?

If "I'll play it by ear" and "let's wing it" are common phrases of yours, you might want to reconsider committing to a person with kids. Because if your partner has children, they won't always be able to drop what they're doing to do something with you.

"You have to ask yourself if you’re alright that this partner might not be able to be spontaneous," Hendrix says. "You may get offers to go away for the weekend and sometimes they might not be able to go with you because of prior commitments with their children."

12. Are you okay with your partner's income being somewhat limited?

This goes hand-in-hand with being spontaneous. Not only might your partner be unable to be impulsive with their plans, but also their finances.

"You want to be honest with yourself about whether you’re okay with someone not having as much disposable income," Hendrix says. Your partner could have expenses you've never even considered. "They could be paying a good chunk of their salary in child support or alimony to an ex, leaving them with little to no spending money, even if they are making a really good salary."

So if you're the type of partner that wants to be wined and dined like a Kardashian, ask yourself if you're willing to give up some of those dinners for mac-and-cheese night with the kiddos.

13. How do you handle jealousy?

Scene: It's Tuesday night and your man texts you that he will be late to dinner because he and his ex promised to take their daughter out for ice cream together. Just the three of them. How do you feel? A) Fine, I trust him. I get it. B) A sudden urge to flip a table and turn into one of the Real Housewives has come over you. If your answer is B, then you might want to rethink dating someone with kids.

"Likely, this person will have to maintain connections with their ex," Hendrix says. So dating a guy with a baby on the way time they're not spending with you might often be "spent with somebody who was very important in their life at one point in time, who they obviously they loved in some way because they created children with this person."

Jealousy can easily creep in. While that doesn't mean you're "crazy" (a little jealousy is normal and can even be healthy), it’s important to know if you're "the jealous type."

If you are, you'll need to figure out whether you can really process those feelings and work through them on your own, because chances are—especially if you're with a good guy or girl—that insecurity is really just about you, Hendrix says.

14. Do you even like kids?

Meredith Blake definitely skipped this question. Why? Likely because it's the one that requires the most honesty (hence why I left it for the end).

Honestly, you may think your partner is near-perfect, but if you can't see yourself going to a little league game or being around as that toddler grows into a real person, dating a man with kids might not be for you.

"Those kids are going to be there for the foreseeable future," Hendrix says. "You want to make sure that you like kids and that you can imagine spending time with them."

If at the end of your conversation, you realize that you don't want someone else's kids in your future, that's totally fine—consider it helpful, no crucial, intel. Because you definitely don't want two Lindsay Lohans scheming to pull you two apart. Trust.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io