Men pull away at early stages for two reasons Neediness and insecurity – the enemies you often like to chat with. Do you think that men pull. One of the biggest reasons why men pull away in the early stages of a (every relationship expert and dating coach would confirm that). He senses you want a deeper relationship than he does and he's worried about getting trapped · He does this over and over and never wants a deeper relationship.
Is a guy pulling back early on dating - apologise
Behavior Change Specialist Founder and Managing Editor, Zivadream
The most common reason men pull away when they start to fall in love is fear of commitment. Within this overarching reason, several factors can contribute to this fear.
Afraid of losing freedom and independence
The most common variable is that men are afraid of losing their freedom and independence. Men will often consider falling in love from a practical perspective.
Then, they will begin to wonder about such things as whether they will still have time to go out with their friends, how a more serious relationship may affect their football Sundays, or their ability to do what they want when they want.
They cannot be blamed for considering such practical matters, but we must recognize that often these fears are unfounded or based on irrational thinking. Not all relationships have to be the end of a man’s freedom and independence.
Not wanting to be exclusive
Another contributing factor in fear of commitment often relates to men not wanting to be exclusive to one woman. Often, men, particularly younger men, want to keep their options open, always on the lookout for the next best thing.
This may relate to an irrational self-image, believing they can do better, or simply promiscuity. But as they start to fall in love, they opt to listen to doubting thoughts instead of their hearts.
Rather than embracing what is front of them, which might be something real and special, they go with their gut, allowing fears to drive their actions.
Fear from mistrust
Lastly, a force driving fear of commitment is often mistrust, which is usually the result of past breakups. If a man has been emotionally hurt before, he may be very reluctant to jump right back into the deep end and fall in love.
Related: How to Let Go of the Past and Move On
Akin to a child touching a hot stovetop, men that are emotionally hurt by a woman are often quick to withdraw and become guarded, afraid of being put through the wringer again.
This is understandable, and patience must be exercised when this factor is at play.
Men (and women too) sometimes pull away when they are falling in love because of different fears about attachment and beliefs about self-worth and being unloveable come forward.
These attachment styles and beliefs, often unconscious, are based on their childhoods and the meaning they gave to their early life experiences.
Men pull away in response to fears of being abandoned, rejected, or not being good enough.
Attachment styles
Anxieties, worries, and fears typically come forward in all relationships. Depending on how secure we are from an attachment style perspective, we will have more or less anxieties. It is totally normal for our insecurities to come forward at the beginning of a new relationship, as we find ourselves falling in love or once we are firmly in a relationship.
Our attachment style is deeply rooted in our brain and originates from the basic need to survive and how well our parents were attuned to our needs – emotional and physical. We all started out as helpless babies.
Some of us had more attentive and loving parents than others – this attunement formed our attachment styles. Psychotherapists generally identify attachment styles as secure, insecure, and avoidant.
As we begin to fall in love with someone, our unconscious attachment memories become activated. They can cause us to pull away fearful that our needs won’t be met, that we might be rejected or even abandoned – as we feel needy, fearful, angry, and irrational.
These emotions can have a negative impact on our relationships if they are not addressed in a healthy way.
Self-view
On a more apparent level, depending on our self-view, self-confidence, and self-love (which is also connected to our attachment style), anxiety and insecurities will arise when we are in a relationship.
The umbrella themes of “Am I good enough?” or “Am I worthy?” often manifest in anxieties around money, body image, looks, intelligence, socio-economic status, education, what kind of car I drive, how large my house is, etc.
Self-worth presents itself as “Am I deserving of being in a loving relationship, or committed/monogamous relationship?” or “I am unloveable.”
Anxieties unique to men
From a stereotypical heterosexist point of view, men often feel the weight of needing to carry the financial load in a relationship. Fears and insecurities around money and being able to provide for another person or support a family can cause men to be anxious and even avoid relationships altogether.
Some men think they can’t be in a relationship until they are set in their careers and own a home and have significant savings in the bank.
I think this is less true nowadays, but some men might also have fears of being a good father. This is often due to their lack of having a good parenting role model and especially the case if they had a challenging childhood and experienced child abuse.
There are potential external and internal factors that may explain or contribute to our understanding as to why a man pulls away when he falls in love.
His behavior is rooted in anxiety
Most commonly, his behavior is rooted in anxiety: conscious or unconscious. The unconscious explanations are likely to do with his attachment style – the deep-seated relationship template from his relationship with his parents during significant developmental stages. His sudden withdrawal and change in behavior may replicate/ mimic an “insecure” or “ambivalent” attachment style from his childhood.
In short, children experience deep emotional (and physical) dependency on parents. When parents are unable to engender a sense of emotional security and model emotional reliability and unconditional love, it creates a relational template that associates “closeness /dependency with instability and unreliability.”
So in future adult relationships, the closer a man feels, the more anxious he becomes.
To preempt abandonment
Our brains are prewired to protect us for emotional pain. His feelings of love set off his protective warning system conveying – Pain ahead…beware! His withdrawal serves as a way to preempt abandonment – The psyche prefers and feels less vulnerable to be the leaver than the one left.
While the man may be “unaware” of the deeper-seated anxieties that cause his thoughts and behaviors, he may think and say, “I don’t want to be tied down” or “I’m not ready.”
He may blame his partner- “You are too smothering,” “Your expectations are too high,” – all of which may have realistic elements to them, yet it warrants acknowledgment that current relationship dynamic has set off his “unconscious anxiety alarm system.”
The “pulling away” is a flight response
This system includes a fight or flight response. The “pulling away” is a flight response. The fleeing is a way to unconsciously protect the self from perceived threats to emotional safety that had been previously experienced.
Depends on the experiences that inform our attachment style
While experiencing love and deep connection is a basic human need, it can be very challenging for some. Love is a place of vulnerability, and how we each approach love in relationships greatly depends on the experiences that inform our attachment style.
These experiences begin in childhood and are altered by emotionally powerful events throughout our lives.
This is particularly true for those who have experienced trauma, such as military service members and first responders, where protecting their emotional core is vital to surviving the demands of the job. Often these men have been conditioned toward an Avoidant Attachment style.
Avoidant attachment style
Characterized by maintaining emotional distance, idealizing self-sufficiency, and dismissing others’ emotional needs, men with an Avoidant Attachment style often seek relationships but find emotional intimacy confusing, difficult, and exhausting.
While their careers and life experiences have taught them that this is the best way to cope, it can create challenges in loving relationships. The emotional distance and dismissal can cause them to see a partner’s actions and behaviors as needy or clingy.
When we begin to fall in love, our primal need for loving connection comes rushing in. For those with an Avoidant Attachment style, this provokes a great deal of anxiety. Interdependence and the need for another’s love are viewed as weak and contradict the cultural conditioning of the strong, independent, and self-reliant man.
Those who have experienced trauma are often confronted with feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. They worry that if their partner were to see them truly, their wounds and their failures, that they would be unlovable, weak, or less of a man.
What’s more, military and first responders have long been encouraged to “keep the monster in the box” to protect their loved ones from pain. This “box of monsters” gets carried around every day and keeps them from being able to be close in any form, not just related to their trauma.
Often they have become so disconnected from their own emotional experience that, when the opportunity for deep, meaningful connection arises, they are confronted and challenged by it. They freeze up, and the safest course of action is to retreat from the discomfort.
As he pulls away, our own doubts and fears of separation are activated. We chase, protest, complain, trying to keep them close. Our frantic efforts to re-establish connection only succeed in driving our partner further away.
By acknowledging our own fears, managing our own fears, and respecting our partner’s need for independence, we can create a space where he can feel safe.
Mike Ensley, MA, LPCC
Counselor, Ensley Counseling
Guys learn at a young age to be guarded, untrusting, yet accommodating
As men in our culture grow and develop, they are sent very mixed messages about their emotional life. We expect them to be authentic and relational but also still goal-oriented and strong (unaffected).
In a lot of ways, we are still so bad about either shaming or exploiting men when they are vulnerable, or when they don’t live up to the “toxic” masculine archetype.
Therefore, a lot of guys learn at a young age to be guarded, untrusting, yet also believe they must be accommodating, make others happy, and meet their needs. They’ve never been shown how to be authentic or even given space to be.
They don’t know how to allow someone else a place in their heart
Then, in an intimate partnership with someone just right for their truest self, they do not know how to allow someone else access to that intimate place in their heart. They themselves don’t have access to it. They deeply want to connect, but all of their experience and indoctrination has taught them not to let anyone come that close.
These men have a lot of work to do in accepting the emotional and relational parts of themselves that they’ve been trained to shut down. Often times, a female partner who attempts to take this on will only find frustration. This is because stepping into that takes the relationship out of an equal and reciprocal place, and ultimately reinforces the shame and control dynamics that drive men to shut down in the first place.
But men can do this work through counseling and connecting with other men who are emotionally open and accepting. These relationships don’t carry the same expectation and maintenance that the romantic partnership does.
A good therapist, a (healthy) friend group, and a mentor are essential resources for any man looking to become more emotionally open and accessible.
If you are religious or at least open to religion, a church can be a good place to start. Many of the large ones actively promote these kinds of resources.
If not, a therapist is a great place to start. And they can often help you out in getting connected elsewhere.
Different display of affection
Men often pull away after getting close because typically, they display their affection differently than women. From interviewing countless men and other experts in the relationship field, the common consensus has been a man’s need for testosterone.
It is the belief that after having heavily emotionally charged situations that are typically getting close to a woman, it lowers their testosterone levels, and they, therefore, need to pull away to rebuild.
Things are moving too quickly
Often, when men pull away, they come back much stronger than before. Another reason that they pull away is if they feel as though things are moving too quickly, and they want to reassess the situation as to whether or not they even want the relationship.
It has been said that men grow closer to women when they are apart. The opposite is typically true for women that we grow closer through actually spending time and having emotional intimacy.
To build up their emotional bank
Men pull away to refocus, to build up their “emotional bank,” and lastly when they are no longer interested. We are in a culture where people have created terms like breadcrumbing and ghosting for a reason.
The supply seems higher with dating literally at your fingertips through apps. For that reason, many men pull away because they are simply exploring their options. The woman that they are pulling away from simply did not make it to the top position in their rotation or warrant them being exclusive.
Shannon Smith
Head of Public Relations & Communications, Plenty of Fish
Earlier this year, we surveyed over 2,000 singles in the United States about the primary pressures they face in today’s dating climate. The study found that 31% of singles second-guess when to define a relationship as exclusive, and over ¼ (26%) second guess whether or not the person they’re dating is the one.
This data shows that singles second-guess themselves often, and it could be a possible explanation for why some take a step back in a relationship.
Below are three other possible reasons why men may be pulling away or avoiding a serious relationship:
He’s never been in a serious relationship before
It’s entirely possible that he is unfamiliar with these new feelings and is getting spooked. He may be pulling away from the relationship because he’s feeling overwhelmed.
The timing just isn’t right
If he’s recently ended a long-term relationship, he may be hesitant to get into another one right away due to low confidence or because he’s not entirely over the previous one, and therefore isn’t quite ready to commit.
He’s not looking for anything serious
He might not be the committing type and wants to keep his options open, or simply doesn’t see the relationship lasting long-term, and is having trouble communicating that. Instead of being direct and verbalizing his feelings or ending the relationship, he may slowly distance himself to avoid an awkward, honest conversation.
An evolutionarily developed trigger of fear
Some men pull away when they are falling in love because of an evolutionarily developed unconscious trigger of fear. Our ancestor’s survival demanded good mating decisions. This archaic trigger appears to be activated in modern times in men that associate the feeling of falling in love with rejection (vulnerability means danger) or constriction (commitment mean loss of power and choice).
Almost always, this is a family of origin issue.
There are multiple reasons why men pull away when they are falling in love.
A defense mechanism
For some, getting too close can be uncomfortable, eliciting emotions of fear, which result in withdrawal. It could be that they never had such a close relationship, so it is new to them.
Others pull away precisely because of past experiences. If a man had a previously close relationship and was rejected, it is easier to be the one to pull away and reject than re-experience the pain on the receiving end.
Finally, those men who had an insecure attachment with their parents growing up can also pull away when things get to close. Closeness is just not safe, so when the relationship begins to progress, they will only let it go so far.
Thus, it can be a defensive mechanism to protect oneself.
If a man is pulling away when he is definitely in love, it could mean the following:
He is either scared to get hurt, (fear) that stems from past relationships/family. Financially or emotionally, he is not ready (timing).
They may be fresh out of a relationship.
He is afraid that this love could be the real deal, and he will mess it up (self-sabotage).
They’d rather convince themselves that the person or the timing is not right than do the work to make it happen.
Men pull away because of their own fear.
Whether it is self-doubt that they can sustain the relationship or a fear of feeling responsible for the emotional state of their mate, the issue is really an internal one.
A man might fear getting hurt, making the wrong choice, or being overwhelmed by his own emotions. Even if they think their partner may be “the one,” they may still feel the need to create some distance.
This is definitely not a symptom all men experience in falling in love.
Why Men Pull Away In The Early Stages: How To Get Your New Guy Back
You’re here because you want to know why men pull away in the early stages of a relationship.
Chances are, you’re seeing someone new and you thought things might have been going somewhere… only for him to start to pull away.
He’s ignoring your calls, missing texts, being less responsive in general, and it just seems like he’s more distant and withdrawn from you.
more:Here’s The Real Truth On Why Men Pull Away And How To Stop Him
What happened? Did you do something wrong? Why is he going cold like this?
This hurts even more if he came on strong right when you started seeing each other, only to cool off later and back away, leaving you with a severe case of relationship whiplash.
And it’s even more frustrating when something like this keeps happening to you.
Is it a pattern? Do guys just do that? Why does it keep happening to you?
Don’t worry – I’ve got the answers.
more:The Top 3 Reasons Why Guys Pull Away
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Is He Slipping Away
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Slipping Away” Quiz right now and find out if the man you want is really slipping away from you…
Why Guys Pull Away At The Beginning Of Relationships
He senses you want a deeper relationship than he does and he’s worried about getting trapped
He does this over and over and never wants a deeper relationship
He thought you weren’t interested for some reason
He’s not interested in a relationship with you
There’s something else going on in his life that’s taking up his attention
Those are some of the most common reasons a guy might pull away at the beginning.
We have to get some bad news out of the way first – but don’t worry. The good news is coming.
The bad news is that I can’t tell you exactly why he pulled away from you at the beginning.
Every relationship is different, every guy is different and every situation is different. I don’t know why your specific guy went cold.
more:Why Men Withdraw And Exactly What To Do About It
However, all of these reasons have one thing in common:
He’s Going Cold Because It’s Easier Than Telling You He’s Not Interested In A Deeper Relationship
It’s hard to have a conversation with someone and tell them you’re not interested in a relationship.
It feels bad, it’s scary, you don’t know how the other person is going to react – it’s an experience that many people would rather just avoid.
A guy who isn’t particularly up front or honest might go to great lengths to avoid having that conversation.
more:The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest
So instead of trying to have an in depth conversation about where the relationship is and where it’s going (which he doesn’t want to do)… most guys will just grow distant.
He’s consciously or unconsciously trying to show you that he’s not interested in a deeper relationship right now – without having to talk about it.
He might not be sure you even want a more committed relationship – and that would only add fuel to his reluctance to bring up the issue.
So instead of talking about it honestly and openly (like you’d hope he would), he tries to show you with his actions where his mind is.
more:The Top 7 Reasons Men Leave The Women They Love
That means he takes longer to answer texts, doesn’t pick up the phone as often, and generally acts more distant and cold towards you.
But Why Do Guys Do That?
Generally, a guy isn’t going to go cold on you out of the blue.
Most of the time, a guy is going to pull away in the early stages of a relationship when he senses that you want more commitment from him than he’s willing to give, or he feels neediness from you.
If he feels like you’re trying to be in a more committed relationship with him, and he’s not interested, that’s the point where he’s going to start pulling away.
more:The Real Truth About Why Some Men Run Hot And Cold
It’s his way of saying “no” without actually having to say no.
Let’s touch on neediness quickly, because it’s a hot button issue.
In a nutshell, the simplest way to define “neediness” is this: if you “need” him to respond to you in a certain way or do something in order to feel ok – he’s going to sense neediness from you.
For instance, if you text him and he doesn’t text you back for a few hours, and that makes you feel upset and “not ok” – he’s going to sense that as neediness.
more:Ask A Guy: When A Guy Withdraws
Why? It’s because he’s going to feel that you “need” him to do something or else you won’t feel “ok” and will be upset or generally negative towards him.
A lot of the time, when a guy pulls away in the early part of a relationship it’s because he sensed that kind of neediness and didn’t want to engage with it.
So How Do You Stop Him From Pulling Away At The Beginning?
Remember how I gave you the bad news at the beginning of the article? Here’s the good news:
There is a very simple way to avoid ever being put in this position (and avoid being freaked out by a new guy pulling away and going cold on you).
more:The More Distant I Act, The More Interested He Becomes
The solution is this: only be as committed to him and to the relationship as he is to you.
If he hasn’t explicitly locked you down and asked you to be exclusive with him, that means that not only are you allowed to date other people, you should absolutely be exploring your options and seeing other people.
more:Why Men Pull Away
Let’s talk a little bit about why that makes such a difference.
When you decide early on in a relationship that you really like this guy and want things to continue with him, and in deciding that you stop trying to meet anyone new, you’re putting all your eggs in one basket so to speak.
That means that when something goes wrong with him, it freaks you out a lot more than it would have if you had other guys on your radar as well. He becomes your whole dating life, which means everything that happens with him becomes much more significant (and upsetting).
more:Why Men Pull Away In The Early Stages Of Dating
If you’re casually seeing a few guys, one of them not texting back isn’t the end of the world.
But if you’ve decided that you only want him, and he doesn’t text you back, it’s a lot more upsetting.
When you keep your options open until he locks you down, it makes you much less likely to appear “needy” to him – because you won’t be hanging on his every word.
You won’t need anything from him to feel ok– because all your eggs won’t be in the same basket.
more:8 Reasons Why Men Pull Away At Early Stages
So when you keep your options open, you make it much less likely that a guy will feel the need to pull away at the beginning of a relationship.
And if he does – hey, it’s no big deal. It’s disappointing to be sure, especially if you really liked him.
But you’ve also kept your options open – so you can move on and find a guy who’s excited and lit up inside because he gets to date you.
Want to find out he’s slipping away from youClick here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Slipping Away” Quiz right now and find out if the man you want is really slipping away from you…
Just when you thought everything is going well in your relationship, his feelings suddenly run hot and cold – one minute he’s spending time with you, and the next, he’s suddenly distant.
Now you are left wondering—is it you? Is it something you said? Something you did?
Frustrating, right?
Here are possible reasons why some men pull away when they’re falling in love.
Table of Contents
Rob Magill, MA, ICAADC, CCPG, DOT-SAP, LPCTBHI
Certified Telebehavioral Health Practitioner, Magill Counseling
Just about everyone wants to be in a relationship. But not everyone is comfortable in a long-term relationship. This can lead to men distancing themselves in a relationship.
This can be for several reasons:
Fear of missing out
Some men are afraid that they are “settling.” There might not be someone else that they know would be a better partner. But there could be. So when a relationship becomes more serious, they shirk away. What if they commit, and it is the wrong person?
Fear of the future
Deeper conversations happen when a relationship progresses. It is easy to talk about favorite foods, movies, places to visit, etc. It can be challenging talking about future dreams, especially when those dreams might not happen.
Fear of being vulnerable
When a relationship gets serious, more is expected, especially in what is shared and how it is shared. Surface conversations still happen, but more personal topics should be discussed.
This means that the other person gets to know who you are. And may not like you. At all. That can cause people to settle for what they have instead of moving forward in the relationship.
Men and women relate differently
Men and women generally need different things in a relationship. That is part of what makes a couple more effective than one person. But it also means that men may need to act out of their comfort zone in the relationship.
That is scary, and people are not always successful at this. Especially the first few times. Sometimes it is easier to just disengage than risk being uncomfortable or another failure.
This leads to the next point:
Past relationship failures
Past relationships color current relationships. How can they not? If a man was in a bad relationship and got out, that will shape the perspective of future relationships.
He may expect the current relationship to end how past relationships did and try to avoid those unpleasant feelings. Even if this person is different.
Fear of personal failure
A closer relationship means more responsibility. This can scare some men. Feelings of inadequacy, imposter syndrome, etc. can all rise up and make a man consider distancing from their partner.
Related: Overcoming Fear of Failure
Lack of ability
Sometimes, men experience things in their past that stop them from learning how to relate to others. Even though they want the relationship, they might now know how to talk to someone more profoundly. This can be made worse by the previous reasons.
Deeper relationships may feel awkward or even foreign. This can lead some men to retreat to what they know – the safety of a more distant relationship.
Fortunately, men facing any of these roadblocks do not have to be paralyzed by them. Often, simply recognizing they are, there is a great first step to moving through them. Once recognized, a man can choose how to address these roadblocks best.
Addressing these concerns can be anything from choosing to act despite feeling fear, talking to good friends for their help, or even seeking out professionals. Sometimes a combination of these works well, too.
Unconscious emotional learning during childhood
During childhood, we learn how to “be” from watching our parents and caregivers. If a parent or parents are loving and kind, a child learns to be open to love and vulnerability.
However, if parents are defended, use “love” to be hurtful, or respond to life in an angry or shut down manner—the child will learn that behavior when it comes to relationships. Of course, all of this early learning occurs on an unconscious level.
If a child learns that it is NOT safe to be vulnerable—if the child is not cared for well and supported in an emotionally present manner—the child will learn to shut off feelings such as sadness, anxiety, and hurt.
In this way, the child learns to be defended against love rather than being open and vulnerable to love. Defenses against vulnerability surface in a variety of ways—whether a person gets quiet, stonewalls, becomes passive-aggressive or acts out in anger.
A defense mechanism and fear of being vulnerable
In adult life, these behaviors become part of the individual’s normal patterns. Although they are operating on a largely unconscious level, the defense mechanisms are present. Thus, if a man falls in love, he may feel very engaged and loving during the initial, often passion-filled stages of a relationship.
Yet, as the relationship becomes “real” and emotional connection becomes an issue, a man may shut down out of fear of being vulnerable.
Normalizing of emotional unavailability
Given that our society tends to normalize and accept emotional unavailability—particularly in men—many people unconsciously accept that the relationship can’t proceed into deeper territory. It is common at this stage for the relationship to break off or turn cold. Sadly, these patterns tend to create vicious cycles that make defensive patterns all the more hard-wired in the brain.
The good news is that these negative, defensive patterns can be changed with conscious effort and perseverance.
Mary J. Gibson
Relationship Expert, DatingXP
Things are going great, and you’re excited to start a new chapter of your life. You have always wanted a committed relationship, and you think you’ve found the one. But just when everything falls into place, you realize he is slowly withdrawing.
Whether it is canceling plans or evading more serious topics like marriage, you start noticing an obvious distance. Then, you start thinking if it was something you did or said. However, more often than not, this is about him, not you.
He needs some space
Sometimes, he needs some time off to think about the relationship. Every relationship is about give-and-take, so he becomes aware that he might have to give some things up if he is going to be with you. During this moment, it’s better to let him be. The more you chase, the more distance it can create.
Hang-ups about his career and future
Men usually tend to find confidence in their careers, and if things are not going very well there, they might not feel confident in other aspects of their lives. Therefore, if this is the case, it is best to not put any relationship pressure on him.
Emotions get too intense for him
Sometimes, processing emotions are hard for any gender. But men usually end up withdrawing after experiencing intense emotions. Let them be during this time; they will come back to you when they’re ready.
He thinks it is happening too fast
Due to widely perpetuated gender stereotypes where men are taught to see a commitment like a trap or a loss of freedom, sometimes their cause for withdrawing could be the fact that they are too affected by society. They might think they’re losing their freedom, so they think you’re moving too fast.
During such a moment, it’s better to sit down and talk about your relationship in the present. Giving him time can help a lot.
Lynell Ross
Certified Health and Wellness Coach
Get expert help figuring out why he’s pulling away and, more importantly, how you should respond. Click here to chat online to someone right now.
Your man is pulling away from you.
He is withdrawing into himself.
You are left wondering why…
He was certainly acting interested.
In fact, you’re pretty sure he likes you more than he lets on.
So why is he acting distant all of a sudden?
Why, after getting close to you, is he now backing off?
That’s what we hope to answer in this article.
We’ll also explore what you can do when this happens and how to act when/if he comes back to you.
First, it is worth noting that not all men do this. And some women act in this way too.
And it doesn’t only happen in the early stages of a relationship – guys will sometimes pull away for a time even in a committed relationship.
So let’s explore some of the reasons why men withdraw from their partner.
13 Reasons Why Men Pull Away
Things are going well. You are getting close to a guy and he seems to be reciprocating.
What changes in his mind to suddenly make him distance himself from you and the relationship?
1. He is scared of his own feelings.
Perhaps the biggest reason why men pull away early in a relationship is because they are scared of how they feel.
Whether or not they were actively searching for love when you met them, the feeling of suddenly falling for someone is full of uncertainty.
Some men simply find this difficult to process.
These men are not as in touch with their feelings as others might be, and not compared to most women either.
They might find the thought of a relationship very appealing, but the emotions that come with it are harder for them to get their heads around.
So they take some time away to work through these emotions.
Only, they probably don’t communicate this to you. They just become more elusive physically and emotionally.
2. He is scared of commitment.
Some men find the idea of staying loyal to a single person quite foreign.
Perhaps they are still young and want to ‘play the field’ before settling down.
Maybe they enjoy the early throes of a romantic entanglement and ‘the chase’ of a love interest, but not what comes after.
A man might never have had a serious long term relationship and is unaware of what it involves – so he just pulls away and prevents it from reaching that stage.
His upbringing may also have a role to play, especially if his parents separated during his childhood.
3. He is clinging on to his independence.
A relationship requires dedication, time, and effort. It inevitably takes you away from some of the things you currently enjoy.
For some men, this process of two becoming one (figuratively, at least) represents a loss of freedom and independence.
And if a man particularly values these things, he may withdraw in a bid to cling on to them.
This is especially true for guys who were not actively looking for a relationship when they met you.
Sure, they might enjoy the time they spend with you, but they may also yearn for times when they could do what they want, when they want.
They might pull away and spend more time by themselves in order to figure out what their heart really values most.
4. He’s scared of getting hurt.
Past relationships can leave emotional scars and baggage which cause a man to distance himself before he commits his heart and risks further hurt.
If he previously had a partner who broke up with him when he was in love with them, it can make him afraid of experiencing similar heartache again.
This is certainly not just confined to men. Many women can feel this way too.
In this case, pulling away is a form of defense mechanism designed to protect himself.
Let’s face it, when they are falling in love, a person can do all sorts of strange things. Sometimes this manifests as self-sabotage.
It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have feelings for you, but it does mean he isn’t sure how to act on those feelings.
5. It’s all got a bit too intense for him.
Some relationships go from zero to sixty very quickly.
As much as he might like that in his cars, he might not be so keen on it when it comes to dating.
The feelings between you and the way you spend so much time together might be a little bit too much too soon.
The relationship might be moving too fast for him.
So he pushes back and withdraws a little bit as his way of putting the brakes on things.
He might just be more comfortable taking things slowly.
6. He needs to recharge his masculinity.
Relationships change people to a certain extent. In a man’s case, it tends to make them more vulnerable and more emotionally expressive (though not always).
This can feel very unfamiliar to many men and their natural reaction might be to fight against it.
They might feel the need to pull away in order to recharge their ‘man battery’ doing the kinds of things men enjoy.
They may retreat to a place of comfort and masculinity – both literally and figuratively.
This place is often referred to as a ‘man cave’ where men do manly things, often with other men.
In the early stages of a relationship, this might mean he spends more time at his place without you.
Or he might call upon his male friends to indulge in some stereotypically male-dominated pastimes such as sports, video games, or to have a beer or two.
The latter is common in more established relationships where a couple lives together and the man doesn’t have a separate space to call his own.
Regardless, this time away from the woman in his life allows him to reconnect with a part of his identity that may be ‘weakened’ by the relationship.
7. He’s got other stresses in his life.
When a guy pulls away, sometimes it has nothing to do with you or the relationship.
He pulls away because he has a lot of stress in other areas of his life.
Perhaps his boss is asking a lot of him and, being the ambitious person he is, he doesn’t want to let them down.
Or maybe he is having some issues with his family and this is taking an emotional toll.
He could be facing health issues that you’re not aware of.
And there’s the chance that he’s got money worries.
If the relationship is still in its early stages, he may not feel able or willing to confide in you.
He may worry that these things would simply scare you away or make you doubt the long term prospects for the relationship.
So he hides them away and distances himself a little to avoid you finding out.
8. He feels he doesn’t deserve love and happiness.
Some people have such low self-esteem and self-worth that they simply can’t understand why anyone would love them.
Perhaps your guy is one such person.
He might be pulling away because he’s sure that you don’t love him and that he doesn’t deserve the happiness he might feel when with you.
He might carry emotional scars or baggage that he can’t see past in terms of your relationship and future together.
In fact, the more serious things get between you, the more he begins to doubt himself as a worthy partner and lover. If he began to withdraw soon after you made your feelings for him clear, this could be the reason.
9. He’s worried about losing his identity.
Before you came along, he was (presumably) single for a least a little while, and possibly a long while.
During his single days, he developed an identity around that particular relationship status.
Whether or not he actually enjoyed being single, he identified with it and knew how to live his life as that person. He had routines and hobbies and people that he used to see all the time.
Now that you’re on the scene and he’s no longer single (or that prospect is looming large as things get serious), he might be withdrawing into the life and the person he used to be because he’s worried he’ll have to give up certain things that he doesn’t want to give up.
Perhaps his old life feels so comfortable and familiar that he’s worried about losing that.
10. He’s confusing lust for love… and it’s fading.
If you’ve been with this guy for a little while and he’s only now started to pull away from you, it could be that the intense physical connection he feels with you is beginning to fade.
That’s a part of the normal progression of a relationship, but it can be quite confusing if you’re not aware of what it really means.
He might have mistaken lust for love. And now that the lust is fading slowly, but surely, he’s convinced himself that you’re not right for each other because love hasn’t yet fully developed to take the place of the lust.
He’s caught up in the myth that you have to feel intense feelings for someone at all times if you are going to work as a couple, when the truth is that feelings ebb and flow all the time in even the most happy and committed relationships.
11. He’s just too busy.
Okay, so you might say that if he really cared for you, he’d make the time, but life isn’t always that simple.
If he has a lot of other big time commitments that he is simply not willing or able to drop, he might not feel able to fit a relationship with you into the mix.
Him withdrawing might not be because he wants to, but simply because he can’t keep up the digital and physical communication with you.
If he’s working two jobs, sharing childcare with an ex-partner, and helping look after an elderly relative, he might just be exhausted.
It might be a case of right person, wrong time… unfortunately.
12. He’s exploring other options.
If you’ve not yet agreed to become an exclusive couple, he might feel like dating other people is still okay.
And, inevitably, if he’s spending time with other people, he’s spending less time with you.
It’s not only the time commitment where you might see a difference, but also on the emotional side too. If he’s exploring his feelings for others, he might pull back a bit from you in an emotional sense.
13. He’s not as into you as you thought.
This is probably only a possible reason in relationships that are fairly new, but he might just not be as interested as you think.
That might be hard to hear, but many men are not great when it comes to communicating their true feelings during the dating phase.
So rather than talk to you and make it clear that they don’t want to pursue things further, they just distance themselves in the hope that you’ll reach that conclusion by yourself.
It sucks, but you’ve probably had a lucky escape if this is the case.
What To Do When A Man Pulls Away
It can feel horrible when a man withdraws into himself, like a rejection of sorts.
You may wonder whether he is testing you, but that’s almost certainly not the case.
He’s just working through his own thoughts and feelings.
So, what’s the best way to approach these situations?
Get a professional’s perspective
As much as this article can help you identify why your man is withdrawing and offer some advice on how to deal with that, yours and his circumstances are unique.
It’s often a good idea to get specific advice based on what’s actually going on in your relationship. And for that, you’ll probably want to speak to a relationship expert (most likely by yourself in this situation).
But where can you go to speak to someone? Well, the online sessions provided by Relationship Hero are a good option for many. You can chat online, via phone, or via video to an expert in these matters who can listen to you and offer specific approaches to try.
And for your peace of mind, Relationship Hero rate 4.9 out of 5 on Trust Pilot*.
Sometimes, just talking to someone can highlight ways in which to move forward and handle your man’s cryptic behavior. Click here to chat to someone now.
Give him space.
Honestly… you need to give him space.
None of the reasons above are solved by you trying to pull him back and insisting that you spend more time together.
He is pulling away because that is what feels right at this precise moment in time.
He may not be fully aware of why, but to fight against this instinct risks conflict that might make things worse and might not be necessary.
Space, yes. Silence, no.
Giving him space does not mean you have to stop all forms of communication entirely.
It doesn’t even mean not seeing him.
It means being respectful of his need to be apart from you.
Should you text him? Sure, that’s not a problem.
His mind might be full of thoughts and uncertainty, but he will probably still like it if you check in with him from time to time.
Just be aware that he may not be quite so chatty or reply quite so quickly as before.
As hard as it can be when you are really keen on him, you have to respect that people process things in different ways.
And men often process their thoughts and feelings in a different way to women.
As for seeing each other, you can still suggest meeting up, but pitch it in such a way as to make it sound flexible.
Say, “If you’re free one evening this week, we should…”
This gives him the opportunity to choose a day that suits him best rather than feel pressured into doing a certain day.
And try to make it something that you think he’d feel comfortable with. Perhaps he’s not ready to talk about things at great length, but you could catch a movie or a show together.
This keeps him close and reminds him that you care without putting any great demands on him to be vulnerable.
Or if you have been spending most weekends together, you can always say you have plans for one of the days, but you’d like to see him on the other… again, if he’s free.
This takes the intensity down a notch while guaranteeing him some of his weekend to do whatever he wants.
Be consistent.
You might be left feeling upset or disappointed when he pulls away, but try to be consistent in how you approach him.
This won’t be easy. Your feelings are just as valid as his.
But if you can, try to put yourself in his shoes for a second.
If you were confused by your feelings, fearful of rejection, or finding it difficult to transition from one lifestyle to another, wouldn’t you want to be treated with compassion?
It’s not about maturity or whose responsibility it is to keep the relationship going…
…but if you like him and think he’s just having a wobble, it won’t do any harm to remain positive, kind, and courteous toward him.
If you respond to his withdrawal by being distant, too, it’s only likely to make matters worse.
You need to show him that, whatever internal struggles he may be having, you are there to support him.
If you can do this, he might just open up to you a little more about what he’s thinking and feeling.
Keep it just the two of you.
If you’ve only been seeing him a short while, it’s a lot of pressure on him to spend time with your friends or family.
And the same goes for you spending time with him and his friends or family.
The whole ‘meet and greet’ is a big deal. It makes things feel far more official and serious.
You might be ready for that, but he might not be.
So take the pressure off. Keep things just the two of you if you can. He’ll feel more comfortable and be more likely to relax into your company.
This is what you want. If he feels relaxed, he’s less likely to feel the need to pull away.
The time for being a part of each other’s wider lives will come. Just don’t try to force the issue too soon.
Show your support for his other passions.
We spoke above about your man’s fear of losing his independence and part of this comes down to the other things he is passionate about in life.
Perhaps he is career driven or is starting his own business.
Maybe he takes his marathon running very seriously and is committed to his training regime.
Or does he just want to travel to the far flung places of the world without restriction?
If you can convince him that you’re not trying to take these things away from him, he’ll have no reason to pull away because of it.
Make time to ask him about his passions and how they are going. Try to understand what time commitments he has already and be respectful of those.
Be positive about what he wants to achieve and make it clear that you love how he has clear goals and dreams and that you really want to see him succeed.
Keep busy.
When a man pulls away, try not to obsess about the reasons why or pine over him too much.
You are a high value woman and no man defines who you are.
So keep yourself busy with your friends, family, or hobbies and enjoy yourself as much as you can.
Remember, you can still communicate with him, and telling him that you have a packed diary will confirm to him that you value your independence too.
If a man can see a future relationship where each individual maintains their own friends and interests, it will address some of his concerns.
How Should I Act When He Comes Back?
If a man truly has feelings for you and wants you in his life, he’ll come back to you eventually.
Even if you have still seen him, text him, or spoken to him in the meantime, there will come a time where he returns emotionally as well as physically.
At this point, what should you do?
How should you act?
Well, don’t go straight to the obvious questions such as why he pulled away, what he wants now that he’s back, and is he going to do it again.
He might not be sure why he felt the need to pull away, so trying to get him to put it into words will end in disaster.
Try to show him how glad you are to have him back. Be affectionate and caring.
Tell him how grateful you are to have him in your life again.
Act how you would like to be in a relationship: happy and content and excited.
Don’t try to make him pay for the way he’s treated you.
Yes, communicate how you felt, but keep it neutral or positive wherever possible.
Say something like:
I know you needed space and time to do your own thing and to process your thoughts and feelings. That’s okay. I don’t need to understand, but if you do want to talk about it now or in the future then I’m always ready to listen.
I missed you. It hurt not to see you as often, but I’m serious about this relationship if you are.
Of course, if you are in a long term relationship and your man withdraws every so often, you probably don’t need to say anything at all.
Just know that this is not an uncommon part of a relationship and be open and welcoming when your partner returns to you emotionally.
How Long Will It Take?
When a man distances himself, how long will he be ‘gone’ for?
That depends.
It could be a few days or a week. It could be longer.
The real question you have to ask yourself is how long are you prepared to wait.
If your relationship is in its infancy, you may not be prepared to hang around and keep the door open for too long.
But if you are some distance into a relationship, you might choose to give him more time to wrestle with his feelings.
That’s entirely up to you.
Are All Men Like This?
The short answer is: no, not all men feel the need to pull away emotionally or physically from a partner.
But it is fairly common.
Whether it’s just the way men are wired, we might never know.
When they do withdraw, it can be difficult to take, but hopefully this article has given you some actionable advice to follow and helped your understanding of the situation you face.
Still not sure what to do about this man’s withdrawn behavior? In situations like these, it can really help to get some one-to-one advice from someone who is trained to deal with them, rather than soldiering through it alone. They’ll listen to what you have to say and offer suggestions of how to proceed. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero to help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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Here is a situation many girls have experienced. You meet a guy and feel the proverbial spark. Numbers are exchanged, flirty texting ensues, and eventually you go on a date…and it’s amazing!
The chemistry is strong, you connect, you have fun. You go out again and it’s another ace in the hole. Now you start to get really excited…could this be it? Maybe you hang out a few more times, but then something changes.
Either you notice that he starts to pull away and seems less engaged (commonly known as “the fade away”), or he just vanishes (a phenomenon known as “ghosting”). You feel completely blindsided and shell shocked.
What went wrong? Here is why this situation is so confusing for most girls.
When a girl loses interest in a guy after a few dates, she can usually pinpoint the reason. Maybe he was too desperate, not intellectually stimulating, too quiet, too loud, too boring, too boisterous–she usually knows exactly what it is that turned her off and can give a reason as to why she doesn’t want to continue dating him if asked.
It’s not always like this for guys. A guy can go on a few amazing dates with a girl and find himself suddenly and inexplicably put off by her. Whereas he was previously texting her throughout the day and feeling a strong desire to see her…he now has no desire to contact her whatsoever.
This can be as baffling for guys as it is for girls. When asked, many guys will say they don’t know why they were suddenly turned off…they just were.
So why does this happen? Is it really out of the blue without cause or provocation? No, there is a reason. The reason it’s so hard to pinpoint and articulate is because it’s extremely subtle.
During the first few dates with a new guy, your vibe is typically pretty laid-back and easygoing. You want to explore the possibilities with him and see what he’s all about. It starts out light and fun, it’s about connecting and enjoying each other’s company.
After a few great dates with a seemingly great guy, most women can’t help but get excited about the possibilities. They think of where the relationship might go and they start to invest in a fantasy future.
When this happens, you are no longer in the here and now, seeing the situation for what it is. Instead, your mind is focusing on what it could be and that’s when it becomes a problem.
You become attached to this fantasy future and then you can’t help but stress over it and worry about losing it (even though it’s not something you ever really had!). Then your fears and insecurities rise to the surface and seep into your interactions with him.
You begin interacting with the thoughts in your head rather than with the person in front of you. Rather than trying to learn who he is and what he’s about, you look at his behavior and the things he says as a means to measure how he feels about you… and whether you’re getting closer or further away from your goal of having a relationship with him.
Most guys can intuitively sense when a woman is reacting to them as an object rather than a person, when she is using him as a means to fill a void within herself.
Guys typically don’t operate this way in relationships and he can’t fully understand what happened to turn this seemingly happy, cool girl into an unpleasant, emotionally-reactive, reassurance-seeking mess.
Why Do We Do This?
All anyone really wants is to feel OK, and most of us don’t. When a woman worries and needs constant reassurance, it comes from feeling from “I am not OK” and the feeling beneath that is fear. What makes it so destructive is that it’s not an overwhelming, gripping fear; it’s a vague feeling of unease. It’s so quiet and subtle you may not even realize it’s there. You know how sometimes you’ll go to take a sip of water and you literally can’t stop chugging? You didn’t even realize you were thirsty, it’s only when you begin to quench the silent thirst that you realize how potent it was. That’s kind of what’s at play here.
It’s tough for someone to nail down to source of feeling not OK, but they unconsciously latch onto things that will get rid of this feeling, usually through reassurance or trying to make situations come about that they feel will make them happy and finally grant them relief. This inevitably impacts your vibe, you become a parasite of sorts and everyone you come into contact with is simply a means to an end.
When you meet a guy who makes you feel OK, your need for that feeling becomes overwhelming and you latch on forcefully. You may not even realize you’re doing it; it’s not something you express outright. But it’s there and it comes across, even in the slightest ways. It changes your vibe and your energy and guys feel this.
At this point, instead of him feeling like he’s connecting with you, he feels like you’re trying to get something out of him. Maybe it’s reassurance or validation, or maybe just more of the feeling of being OK.
Guys don’t know exactly what it is, but suddenly their instincts are telling them to get away. This usually occurs at the point where the woman could no longer keep the act up. Maybe she’s trying to appear cool and go-with-the-flow, but in her mind she’s already thinking of ways to turn a relationship that’s really nothing at this point into something. From that point forward, it’s not easygoing and natural, it’s her measuring if she is getting closer or further from her goal.
Everyone recognizes when someone has an agenda, it’s just something our intuition picks up on and it immediately puts us off. Think about how you feel when someone approaches you and tries to sell something. Your first instinct is typically to get far away from them. It doesn’t matter how nice and friendly they are, you can’t trust them because you know they want something out of you.
That’s the switch guys feel. It’s the shift from things being easy to fun to agenda-driven.
When the woman feels like she’s getting closer to her goal, she’s happy and elated. When something happens that makes her feel like she is moving further away, she is gripped by that, “My world is falling apart” feeling and may try to seek reassurance from the guy, either outright or subtly.
You Can’t Force Love
When you take a relationship that is brand new and start thinking that it’s something, or forcing it to be more than it is, it’s game over. Your vibe will become man repelling and before long, he’ll be gone and you will be left baffled, analyzing what exactly you did to drive him away. But you won’t ever find the answer, because it isn’t concrete and measurable.
This is one of the main differences between men and women when it comes to relationships. Men are more in the moment and are able to comfortably enjoy a situation for what it is as it is. Women are always looking for ways to improve the relationship and push it forward. It’s not that one gender has it right and the other has it wrong. There needs to be a balance between enjoying the present and comfortably laying the foundation for a future. It just can’t be done forcefully.
The best relationships are the ones that unfold organically with two people bringing their best selves to the table and discovering who the other person is and developing an appreciation for that person.
It’s not about using the other person to gain status or self-esteem or security. A relationship can give you these things, but that’s a by-product, not the goal.
This is essentially the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship. A healthy relationship is one where two people feel fulfilled by their individual lives and let that joy and sense of fullness spill into their relationship. They each bring something to the table and can comfortably give and receive. A dysfunctional relationship is when one or both people believes the other person can “give them” something or that there’s something to “get” from the other person.
So what’s the solution? If you just enjoy life and engaging with him and make nothing of it, your vibe will still be enjoyable to be around and he will continue hanging out with you.
When he feels good around you, he’ll want to be around you. When he feels like you’re trying to get something out of him, he will want nothing to do with you. It really is as simple as that.
I also want to add that this isn’t the only reason a man will lose interest, it’s just the most common and most misunderstood one. The problem is most people don’t accurately define what the problem is. It gets written off as the woman being too available and not making him chase her. That is not really what’s at play here. Being available isn’t the issue, the issue is really not being present. It’s an issue that comes from seeking validation through a relationship rather than in your life.
It is also worth noting that sometimes two people can be happy and satisfied in their lives and just not a match. Compatibility can’t be forced or created. It also can’t be ignored. If you’re incompatible, it will come to the surface eventually and a relationship can’t last without a foundation of fundamental compatibility.
The winning strategy when it comes to love is to bring your best self to the table and not stress over your relationship. Instead, trust that if it’s right it will work out, and if it’s not right you’ll be free to move toward something that is the right match for you.
Love doesn’t have to be that hard, Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts by Sabrina Alexis is available here.
Why men pull away can be baffling especially if they´ve hinted that they like you. But it might be a mind game that if you know how to handle well, will work for your advantage.
Have you ever experienced having a man so all over you just to have him act uninterested the next day? When he pulls back, does that mean he´s no longer interested? What should you do?
First, let´s understand why men pull away early in dating so you would stop cracking your head figuring out why.
Even if a man is into you, he may pull back just to see how you´ll react (Note: may … because not every man feels the need to do so).
This is the scenario:
You and him are in the early stages of dating. You´re attracted to him and he´s attracted to you. In fact, it´s not only that he likes you, but he seemed to be very much into you. In return, you started asking yourself, is he the is a guy pulling back early on dating look forward to getting to know him better. Started envisioning the possibility of having a committed relationship with him. But then out of the sudden, he disappears. He doesn´t text you or call you like he normally does.
You worry, so you text him. Or you may even try to call him. But what you get is radio silence.
You may send him an emotional email to check if everything´s okay with him. You´re probably thinking that maybe he´s sick. Or if he´s facing the biggest challenge of his life, you want to be there for him. He only needs to tell you what is going on!
But even that email is met with silence.
Pulling away means not calling you. Not sending you emails and text messages. Ignoring your text messages and not returning your calls, or not seeing you for a while. It means not hearing from him longer than usual.
Even if it can be utterly confusing for you when he does that, how you react to his absence is key. It will set the stage if he´s going to fall in love with you, take advantage of you, or pull away for good, is a guy pulling back early on dating. It´s difficult to do when you really like him, but it´s important to control your emotions.
Remember that there´s a myriad of reasons why men pull away or lose interest. Men are different and they pull away for different reasons.
What Type of Girlfriend Are You?
It´s important to know your personality type in relationships so you will have an idea what type of guy suits you best.
With that being said, here are the six possible reasons why a man who seems to like you will pull away:
1. To see how much you need this relationship.
Most men deliberately don´t call just to see how you´ll respond. If you´re upset, it sends him the clear message how much you want this relationship.
And if you badly need this relationship, he knows that he has 100 percent hold on you.
Sherry Argov, in her book, Why Men Love Bitches, calls this a man´s mind game or “mental challenge”.
“It´s human nature for a man to test the waters”, says Argov, “he wants to see how much he can get away with.”
Early in dating, starting from day one, he´s already calculating how much he can get away with. Are you willing to stretch, bow and bend backward just to have a relationship with him?
Are you desperate to have a relationship with him and have you been sending him that message?
What to do?
While this guy is still pulling away from you, decide if you really want to be with him or if you rather move on and be with someone who truly wants to have a relationship with you.
Go out with your friends. Meet new people. Be open to date other men. Get occupied with other things that will take your mind off him.
Stop obsessing about him.
If he comes back and you want to give him another chance, the ball should be in your court. Don´t drop everything and see this guy the same day he finally decides to see you.
If you still like him, tell him that you´re happy to see him, but let him be aware that you´ve been busy. If he asks you out, accept his offer and put it in the calendar. But don´t prioritize your date with him. He needs to wait and he must work for it.
Don´t be too eager to continue the romance with him. Let this dance of romance progress according to your own music.
This man needs some serious doing — he needs to gain back your trust, is a guy pulling back early on dating, to assure you that he´s reliable, and to prove to you that he´s worthy your time.
2, is a guy pulling back early on dating. To gain reassurance.
When it comes to getting reassurance that you like him, he certainly won´t be verbal about it. He´s very unlikely to initiate that serious talk with you and you certainly won´t hear him say, “Honey, we need to talk. I need to know where I stand with you.”
Instead, he will pull back. He won´t call you. And you probably won´t hear from him for days.
Pulling back is also necessary for him to figure out if you´re the type of woman that he wants to marry.
When you react emotionally, it gives him a feeling of control. And if you react emotionally all the time, over time he will come to see you as less of a challenge. You must know by now that the number one pet peeve for men is a needy girlfriend.
What to do?
It´s important for you to show him that you are interested but it´s also equally important to send him the message that you like to be pursued.
Let him know that you do like him, give subtle hints that you will be happy to go out with him, and you look forward to getting to know him better. But also send the message that you are the prize and if he´s willing to work for it, your love will be his reward.
Make him commit and surrender his heart to you, learn how to be “the woman men adore and never want to leave”.
In the case that he´s pulled away, you may text him telling him that you miss him, and that you wish him a wonderful day, but if you don´t get a reply, you stop there.
Don´t bombard him with more text messages, emails or phone calls.
3. You fall for him long before he does.
“Be slow to get to know a man, slow to commit, and slow to fall in love.” ~ Mimi Tanner
If you fall in love quickly and get head over heels in love with him too soon, long before he falls in love with you, he will pull away.
Always remember that when it comes to love, you don´t want to get there ahead of him.
This is why delaying sex is necessary because unlike men who can easily have sex with a woman without falling in love afterwards, women do fall in is a guy pulling back early on dating after having sex with a man.
Regardless of how modern feminist love gurus are trying to sell the so-called women´s sex freedom, it is to your disadvantage if you sleep with a man too soon.
Blame it to oxytocin and vasopressin, the hormones that get you attached to a man after cuddling best dating websites free getting intimate with him.
As the gatekeeper to sex who´s already in love with him, you are likely to surrender the key to the gate early while having a totally different expectations than his.
If you sleep with him before he falls in love with you, it may cheapen the potential of your relationship in his eyes. This scenario will most likely result to heartbreak.
What to do?
Learn how to control your emotion. Now that he´s pulled away, the last thing you´d want is to come off as desperate. Chasing him and being desperate will only lower your worth in his eyes. It will push him away even further.
Give him the space he needs. He may come back once he realizes that even if you love him, your sense of self-respect is much stronger than your need to be with him — or anyone else.
4. He´s already involved with someone else.
If this is the reason, read why you shouldn´t date someone with a girlfriend.
Some men are intentionally players. And sometimes, you become the center of attention of someone whose pure intentions are to play around. These players may also be involved with someone — either a girlfriend or a wife.
The good news is that having solid boundaries in dating generally weed out the players.
So if a player has showered you with attention and then is a guy pulling back early on dating realized that your dating boundaries will not allow him to quickly make a score, he will pull away. In that case, him pulling away actually becomes a blessing to you.
However, is a guy pulling back early on dating, if you think that you haven´t established and implemented your dating boundaries and there´s a possibility that you got played, do a background check.
Some relationship experts advise women against doing a background check on a man while is a guy pulling back early on dating to know him because it implies a lack of trust. And isn´t “trust” supposedly the foundation of any relationships including a budding one?
But truth be told, many women who were raped by their date would have avoided it if only they did a background check early.
What to do?
My advise to you is listen to your gut, is a guy pulling back early on dating. If your intuition tells you that you may be dating a player, find out if he´s involved with someone.
Knowing the real reason of his pulling away will save you from grieving the abrupt end of what appeared to be a potential relationship, is a guy pulling back early on dating, only it´s not.
And by the way, who wants to grieve a player?
5. Either he´s very unsure of his feelings for you or he´s doing the “slow fade”.
It may be disappointing to hear this but if a man is seriously into you and is genuinely wanting to have a relationship with you, he won´t feel the need to pull back.
On the other hand, if he realizes that he´s not into you but doesn´t have the guts to be honest with you, he will do the “slow fade”.
Speaking from my experience, I´ve dated a few men who pulled away early in dating. Each time it made me vulnerable and emotional.
I used to believe it´s pretty normal for a guy to pull back, put the relationship to a halt, and that it´s perfectly acceptable. It all ended the same, I wasn´t a priority to those men.
Until I met the man who was genuinely into me, there was no pull away drama. From day one he treated me like a goddess, and I never felt disrespected. It didn´t take long for him to decide that I´m “the one” and for me to know that he´s “the one”. That´s why I married him.
On the other hand, some men are not equipped with the ability to tell you in person that he´s lost that loving feeling.
There are actually men who seek advice on how to deal with the situation where the woman falls more and more in love with them while they fall more and more out of love with the woman.
If you had been in a situation where you´re the one who fell out of love or out of attraction and you didn´t know how to tell the other person, then you would understand that it can be confusing and agonizing at the same time.
What to do?
Although none of these information will ease the pain of being in the receiving end of a “slow fade” approach, remember that this is not about you.
This is about his feelings towards you, which does not, in any way, diminish your worth as a high value woman.
Recognize the hurt that his actions have caused you but also be gracious to his lack of ability to be honest with you.
The less anger you feel towards that person the quicker you will get over him and the less emotional damage his “pulling away” will cause you.
If he ghosted you for good, is a guy pulling back early on dating, as a matured, independent woman you should be able to accept it and find peace with it.
Shift the focus back to yourself. You still have your career, your hobby, or whatever it is that makes you happy alone, successful and independent.
Men will love and respect you more if you are self-sufficient, confident, and happy with or without him.
6. You didn´t give him the chance to pursue you.
In the book, Are You Right For Me?, author and relationship therapist Andrew G. Marshall shared the story of a male client who was totally smitten by a woman he met at work. He was eager to get to know her more.
They had been out the night before and when he arrived at the office that morning, he was thinking of calling her. But when he logged into his computer, he saw that he got two emails from her. He also got a message from her on his voice mail.
He was still thinking of calling her when the phone rang. She needed him to meet her at the third lobby — rightaway. When he arrived, she shoved a piece of paper into his hand and disappeared. It´s a poem dedicated to her “soulmate”.
He was rubbed of a chance to pursue her. She was in a hurry to get courted by him or to get commitment from him.
What to do?
If you think that you accidentally have chased him, is a guy pulling back early on dating, which led him to pull away, chances are he´s still into you, is a guy pulling back early on dating. He probably is only disappointed that he´s not able to do the pursuing. Thus, he does not see you as a challenge.
Men love a challenge. They like to work for something they think is important.
Get comfortable with being pursued. Be confident in your femininity and your worth as a woman. Enjoy the process of getting to know each other. Have fun when you are out with him and just enjoy his company for what it is.
Avoid projecting your dreams of a “happy relationship” on him. You will come off as someone who´s desperate for love and commitment. Avoid referring to him as your “soulmate”. You have to spend about three months of getting to know each other and courtship before you´ll have an idea if he´s the one.
But now that he´s pulled away from you, all you have to do is stop right where you are. He´s pulling away because you´re forcing your way to him. Stop moving forward, lean back so that like a rubber band, he will be able to bounce back to you.
As long as his attraction for you is still there, chances are high that he will come back. Play your cards well.
When he´s back, be your happy, attractive self. And again, enjoy his pursuit.
Are You Obsessed Over a Guy?
If you´re obsessed over a guy and you want to make him feel the same way about you, use these infatuation scripts.
Takeaway!
The answer to why men pull away in early stages of dating isn´t black and white. There are many gray areas in between.
Identifying the reason why he pulled away from you may help in dealing with the pain of not-knowing “what happened”.
It may also help you know if there´s still a chance to get him back. This knowledge will come handy if you still want to salvage your abruptly-interrupted, dating relationship.
The bottom line is, if a man pulls away as a deliberate mind game, he is most likely going to come back. But you have to do the right thing of not chasing him.
If he pulls away because you accidentally chased him, he is most likely going to come back. But you have to do the right thing of leaning back in order to give him space to pursue you,
But if he pulls away because he´s already involved with someone, or because he lost that loving feeling for you, he is most likely not going to come back. In which case, you wouldn´t want him back either, would you?
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Filed Under: Dating Tips for WomenTagged With: dating a guy
Why Men Pull Away In The Early Stages: How To Get Your New Guy Back
You’re here because you want to know why men pull away in the early stages of a relationship.
Chances are, you’re seeing someone new and you thought things might have been going somewhere… only for him to start to pull away.
He’s ignoring your calls, missing texts, being less responsive in general, and it just seems like he’s more distant and withdrawn from you.
more:Here’s The Real Truth On Why Men Pull Away And How To Stop Him
What happened? Did you do something wrong? Why is he going cold like this?
This hurts even more if he came on strong right when you started seeing each other, only to cool off later and back away, leaving you with a severe case of relationship whiplash.
And it’s even more frustrating when something like this keeps happening to you.
Is it a pattern? Do guys just do that? Why does it keep happening to you?
Don’t worry – I’ve got the answers.
more:The Top 3 Reasons Why Guys Pull Away
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Is He Slipping Away
Click here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Slipping Away” Quiz right now and find out if the man you want is really slipping away from you…
Why Is a guy pulling back early on dating Pull Away At The Beginning Of Relationships
He senses you want a deeper relationship than he does and he’s worried about getting trapped
He does this over and over and never wants a deeper relationship
He thought you weren’t interested for some reason
He’s not interested in a relationship with you
There’s something else going on in his life that’s taking up his attention
Those are some of the most common reasons a guy might pull away at the beginning.
We have to get some bad news out of the way first – but don’t worry. The good news is coming.
The bad news is that I can’t tell you exactly why he pulled away from you at the beginning. liquid love dating apps relationship is different, every guy is different and every situation is different. I don’t know why your specific guy went cold.
more:Why Is a guy pulling back early on dating Withdraw And Exactly What To Do About It
However, all of these reasons have one thing in common:
He’s Going Cold Because It’s Easier Than Telling You He’s Not Interested In A Deeper Relationship
It’s hard to have a conversation with someone and tell them you’re not interested in a relationship.
It feels bad, it’s scary, you don’t know how the other person is going to react – it’s an experience that many people would rather just avoid.
A guy who isn’t particularly up front or honest might go to great lengths to avoid having that conversation.
more:The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest
So instead of trying to have an in depth conversation about where the relationship is and where it’s going (which he doesn’t want to do)… most guys will just grow distant.
He’s consciously or unconsciously trying to show you that he’s not interested in a deeper relationship right now – without having to talk about it.
He might not be sure you even want a more committed relationship – and that would only add fuel to his reluctance to bring up the issue.
So instead of talking about it honestly and openly (like you’d hope he would), he tries to show you with his actions where his mind is.
more:The Top 7 Reasons Men Leave The Women They Love
That means he takes longer to answer texts, doesn’t pick up the phone as often, and generally acts more distant and cold towards you.
But Why Do Guys Do That?
Generally, a guy isn’t going to go cold on you out of the blue.
Most of the time, a guy is going to pull away in the early stages of a relationship when he senses that you want more commitment from him than he’s willing to give, or he feels neediness from you.
If he feels like you’re trying to be in a more committed relationship with him, and he’s is a guy pulling back early on dating interested, that’s the point where he’s going to start pulling away.
more:The Real Truth About Why Some Men Run Hot And Cold
It’s his way of saying “no” without actually having to say no.
Let’s touch on neediness quickly, because it’s a hot button issue.
In a nutshell, the simplest way to define “neediness” is this: if you “need” him to respond to you in a certain way or do something in order to feel ok – he’s going to sense neediness from you.
For instance, if you text him and he doesn’t text you back for a few hours, and that makes you feel upset and “not ok” – he’s going to sense that as neediness.
more:Ask A Guy: When A Guy Withdraws
Why? It’s because he’s going to feel that you “need” him to do something or else you won’t feel “ok” and will be upset or generally negative towards him.
A lot of the time, when a guy pulls away in the early part of a relationship it’s because he sensed that kind of neediness and didn’t want to engage with it.
So How Do You Stop Him From Pulling Away At The Beginning?
Remember how I gave you the bad news at the beginning of the article? Here’s the good news:
There is a very simple way to avoid ever being put in this position (and avoid being freaked out by a new guy pulling away and going cold on you).
more:The More Distant I Act, The More Interested He Becomes
The solution is this: only be as committed to him and to the relationship as he is to you.
If he hasn’t explicitly locked you down and asked you to be exclusive with him, that means that not only are you allowed to date other people, you should absolutely be exploring your options and seeing other people.
more:Why Men Pull Away
Let’s talk a little bit about why that makes such a difference.
When you decide early on in a relationship that you is a guy pulling back early on dating like this guy and want things to continue with him, and in deciding that you stop trying to meet anyone new, you’re putting all your eggs in one basket so to speak.
That means that when something goes wrong with him, it freaks you out a lot more than it would have if you had other guys on your radar as well. He becomes your whole dating life, which means everything that happens with him becomes much more significant (and upsetting).
more:Why Men Pull Away In The Early Stages Of Dating
If you’re casually seeing a few guys, one of them not texting back isn’t the end of the world.
But if you’ve decided that you only want him, and he doesn’t text you back, it’s a lot more upsetting.
When you keep your options open until he locks you down, it makes you much less likely to appear “needy” to him – because you won’t be hanging on his every word.
You won’t need anything from him to feel ok– because all your eggs won’t be in the same basket.
more:8 Reasons Why Men Pull Away At Early Stages
So when you keep your options open, you make it much less likely that a guy will feel the need to pull away at the beginning of a relationship.
And if he does – hey, it’s no big deal. It’s disappointing to be sure, especially if you really liked him.
But you’ve also kept your options open – so you can move on and find a guy who’s excited and lit up inside because he gets to date you.
Want to find out he’s slipping away from youClick here to take our quick (and shockingly accurate) “Is He Slipping Away” Quiz right now is a guy pulling back early on dating find out if the man you want is really slipping away from you…
Here is a situation many girls have experienced. You meet a guy and feel the proverbial spark. Numbers are exchanged, flirty texting ensues, and eventually you go on a date…and it’s amazing!
The chemistry is strong, you connect, you have fun, is a guy pulling back early on dating. You go out again and it’s another ace in the hole. Now you start to get really excited…could this be it? Maybe you hang out a few more times, but then something changes.
Either you notice that he starts to pull away and seems less engaged (commonly known as “the fade away”), or he just vanishes (a phenomenon known as “ghosting”). You feel completely blindsided and shell shocked.
What went wrong? Here is why this situation is so confusing for most girls.
When a girl loses interest in a guy after a few dates, she can usually pinpoint the reason. Maybe he was too desperate, not intellectually stimulating, too quiet, too loud, too boring, too boisterous–she usually knows exactly what it is that turned her off and can give a reason as to why she doesn’t want to continue dating him if asked.
It’s not always like this for guys. A guy can go on a few amazing dates with a girl and find himself suddenly and inexplicably put off by her. Whereas is a guy pulling back early on dating was previously texting her throughout the day and feeling a strong desire to see her…he now has no desire to contact her whatsoever.
This can be as baffling for guys as it is for girls. When asked, many guys will say they don’t know why they were suddenly turned off…they just were.
So why does this happen? Is it really out of the blue without cause or provocation? No, there is a reason, is a guy pulling back early on dating. The reason it’s so hard to pinpoint and articulate is because it’s extremely subtle.
During the first few dates with a new guy, your vibe is typically pretty laid-back and easygoing. You want to explore the possibilities with international dating sites and see what he’s all about. It starts out light and fun, it’s about connecting and enjoying each other’s company.
After a few great dates with a seemingly great guy, most women can’t help but get excited about the possibilities. They think of where the relationship might go and they start to invest in a fantasy future.
When this happens, you are no longer in the here and now, seeing the situation for what it is. Instead, your mind is focusing on what it could be and that’s when it becomes a problem.
You become attached to this fantasy future and then you can’t help but stress over it and worry about losing it (even though it’s not something you ever really had!). Then your fears and insecurities rise to the surface and seep into your interactions with him.
You begin interacting with the thoughts in your head rather than with the person in front of you. Rather than trying to learn who he is and what he’s about, you look at his behavior and the things he says as a means to measure how he feels about you… and whether you’re getting closer or further away from your goal of having a relationship with him.
Most guys can dating a girl before i leave sense when a woman is reacting to them as an object rather than a person, when she is using him as a means to fill a void within herself.
Guys typically don’t operate this way in relationships and he can’t fully understand dating sites for swingers over 50 happened to turn this seemingly happy, cool girl into an unpleasant, emotionally-reactive, reassurance-seeking mess.
Why Do We Do This?
All anyone really wants is to feel OK, and most of us don’t. When a woman worries and needs constant reassurance, it comes from feeling from “I am not OK” and the feeling beneath that is fear. What makes it so destructive is that it’s not an overwhelming, gripping fear; it’s a vague feeling of unease. It’s so quiet and subtle you may not even realize it’s there. You know how sometimes you’ll go to take a sip of water and you literally can’t stop chugging? You didn’t even realize you were thirsty, it’s only when you begin to quench the silent thirst that you realize how potent it was. That’s kind of what’s at play here.
It’s tough for someone to nail down to source of feeling not OK, but they unconsciously latch onto things that will get rid of this feeling, usually through reassurance or trying to make situations come about that they feel will make them happy and finally grant them relief. This inevitably impacts your vibe, you become a parasite of sorts and everyone you come into contact with is simply a means to an end.
When you meet a guy who makes you feel OK, your need for that feeling becomes overwhelming and you latch on forcefully. You may not even realize you’re doing it; it’s not something you express outright. But it’s there and it comes across, even in the slightest ways. It changes your vibe and your energy and guys feel this.
At this point, instead of him feeling like he’s connecting with you, he feels like you’re trying to get something out of him. Maybe it’s reassurance or validation, or maybe just more of the feeling of being OK.
Guys don’t know exactly what it is, but suddenly their instincts are telling them to get away. This usually occurs at the point where the woman is a guy pulling back early on dating no longer keep the act up. Maybe she’s trying to appear cool and go-with-the-flow, but in her mind she’s already thinking of ways to turn a relationship that’s really nothing at this point into something. From that point forward, it’s not easygoing and natural, it’s her measuring if she is getting closer or further from her goal.
Everyone recognizes when someone has an agenda, is a guy pulling back early on dating, it’s just something our intuition picks up on and it immediately puts us off. Think about how you feel when someone approaches you and tries to sell something. Your first instinct is typically to get far away from them. It doesn’t matter how nice and friendly they are, you can’t trust them because you know they want something out of you.
When the woman feels like she’s getting closer to her goal, she’s happy and elated. When something happens that makes her feel like she is moving further away, is a guy pulling back early on dating, she is gripped by that, “My world is falling apart” feeling and may try to seek reassurance from the guy, either outright or subtly.
You Can’t Force Love
When you take a relationship that is brand new and start thinking that it’s something, or forcing it to be more than it is, is a guy pulling back early on dating game over. Your vibe will become man repelling and before long, he’ll be gone and you will be left baffled, analyzing what exactly you did is a guy pulling back early on dating drive him away. But you won’t ever find the answer, because it isn’t concrete and measurable.
This is one of the main differences between men and women when it comes to relationships. Men are more in the moment is a guy pulling back early on dating are able to comfortably enjoy a situation for what it is as it is. Women are always looking for ways to improve the relationship and push it forward. It’s not that one gender has it right and the other has it wrong. There needs to be a balance between enjoying the present and comfortably laying the foundation for a future. It just can’t be done forcefully.
The best relationships are the ones that unfold organically with two people bringing their best selves to the table and discovering who the other person is and developing an appreciation for that person.
It’s not about using the other person to gain status or self-esteem or security. A relationship can give you these things, but that’s a by-product, not the goal.
This is essentially the difference between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship. A healthy relationship is one where two people feel fulfilled by their individual lives and let that joy and sense of fullness spill into their relationship. They each bring something to the table and can comfortably give and receive. A dysfunctional relationship is when one or both people believes the other person can “give them” something or that there’s something to “get” from the other person.
So what’s the solution? If you just enjoy life and engaging with him and make nothing of it, your vibe will still be enjoyable to be around and he will continue hanging out with you.
When he feels good around you, is a guy pulling back early on dating, he’ll want to be around you. When he feels like you’re trying to get something out of him, he will want nothing to do with you. It really is as simple as that.
I also want to add that this isn’t the only reason a man will lose interest, it’s just the most common and most misunderstood one. The problem is most people don’t accurately define what the problem is. It gets written off as the woman being too available and not making him chase her. That is not really what’s at play here. Being available isn’t the issue, is a guy pulling back early on dating, the issue is really not being present. It’s an issue that comes from seeking validation through a relationship rather than in your life.
It is also worth noting that sometimes two people can be happy and satisfied in their lives and just not a match. Compatibility can’t be forced or created. It also can’t be ignored. If you’re incompatible, it will come to the surface eventually and a relationship can’t last without a foundation of fundamental compatibility.
The winning strategy when it comes to love is to bring your best self to the table and not stress over your relationship, is a guy pulling back early on dating. Instead, trust that if it’s right it will work out, and if it’s not right you’ll be free to move toward something that is the right match for you.
Love doesn’t have to be that hard, is a guy pulling back early on dating, Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts by Sabrina Alexis is available here.
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Behavior Change Specialist Founder and Managing Editor, Zivadream
The most common reason men pull away when they start to fall in love is fear of commitment. Within passion dating app overarching reason, several factors can contribute to this fear.
Afraid of losing freedom and independence
The most common variable is that men are afraid of losing their freedom and independence, is a guy pulling back early on dating. Men will often is a guy pulling back early on dating falling in love from a practical perspective.
Then, they will begin to wonder about such things as whether they will still have time to go out with their friends, how a more serious relationship may affect their football Sundays, or their ability to do what they want when they want.
They cannot be blamed for considering such practical matters, but we must recognize that often these fears are unfounded or based on irrational thinking. Not all is a guy pulling back early on dating have to be the end of a man’s freedom and independence.
Not wanting to be exclusive
Another contributing factor in is a guy pulling back early on dating of commitment often relates to men not wanting to be exclusive to one woman. Often, men, particularly younger men, want to keep their options open, always on the lookout for the next best thing.
This may relate to an irrational self-image, believing they can do better, or simply promiscuity. But as they start to fall in love, they opt to listen to doubting thoughts instead of their hearts.
Rather than embracing what is front of them, which might be something real and special, they go with their gut, allowing fears to drive their actions.
Fear from mistrust
Lastly, a force driving fear of commitment is often mistrust, which is usually the result of past breakups. If a man has been emotionally hurt before, he may be very reluctant to jump right back into the deep end and fall in love.
Related: How to Let Go of the Past and Move On
Akin to a child touching a hot stovetop, men that are emotionally hurt by a woman are often quick to withdraw and become guarded, afraid of being put through the wringer again.
This is understandable, and patience must be exercised when this factor is at play.
Men (and women too) sometimes pull away when they are falling in love because of different fears about attachment and beliefs about self-worth and being unloveable come forward.
These attachment styles and beliefs, often unconscious, are based on their childhoods and the meaning they gave to their early life experiences.
Men pull away in response to fears of being abandoned, rejected, or not being good enough.
Attachment styles
Anxieties, worries, and fears typically come forward in all relationships. Depending on how secure we are from an attachment style perspective, we will have more or less anxieties. It is totally normal for our insecurities to come forward at the beginning of a new relationship, as we find ourselves falling in love or once we are firmly in a relationship.
Our attachment style is deeply rooted in our brain and originates from the basic need to survive and how well our parents were attuned to our needs – emotional and physical. We all started out as helpless babies.
Some of us had more attentive and loving parents than others – this attunement formed our attachment styles. Psychotherapists generally identify attachment styles as secure, insecure, and avoidant.
As we begin to fall in love with someone, our unconscious attachment memories become activated. They can cause us to pull away fearful that our needs won’t be met, that we might be rejected or even abandoned – as we feel needy, fearful, angry, and irrational.
These emotions can have a negative impact on our relationships if they are not addressed in a healthy way.
Self-view
On a more apparent level, depending on our self-view, self-confidence, and self-love (which is also connected to our attachment style), anxiety and insecurities will arise when we are in a relationship.
The umbrella themes of “Am I good enough?” or “Am I worthy?” often manifest in anxieties around money, body image, looks, intelligence, socio-economic status, education, what kind of car I drive, how large my house is, etc.
Self-worth presents itself as “Am I deserving of being in a loving relationship, or committed/monogamous relationship?” or “I am unloveable.”
Anxieties unique to men
From a stereotypical heterosexist point of view, men often feel the weight of needing to carry the financial load in a relationship. Fears and insecurities around money and being able to provide for another person or support a family can cause men to be anxious and even avoid relationships altogether.
Some men think they can’t be in a relationship until they are set in their careers and own a home and have significant savings in the bank.
I think this is less true nowadays, but some men might also have fears of being a good father. This is often due to their lack of having a good parenting role model and especially the case if they had a challenging childhood and experienced child abuse.
There are potential external and internal factors that may explain or contribute to our understanding as to why a man pulls away when he falls in love.
His behavior is rooted in anxiety
Most commonly, his behavior is rooted in anxiety: conscious or unconscious. The unconscious explanations are likely to do with his attachment style – the deep-seated relationship template from his relationship with his parents during significant developmental stages. His sudden withdrawal and change in behavior may replicate/ mimic an “insecure” or “ambivalent” attachment style from his childhood.
In short, children experience deep emotional (and physical) dependency on parents. When parents are unable to engender a sense of emotional security and model emotional reliability and unconditional love, it creates a relational template that associates “closeness /dependency with instability and unreliability.”
So in future adult relationships, the closer a man feels, the more anxious he becomes.
To preempt abandonment
Our brains are prewired to protect us for emotional pain. His feelings of love set off his protective warning system conveying – Pain ahead…beware! His withdrawal serves as a way to preempt abandonment – The psyche prefers and feels less vulnerable to be the leaver than the one left.
While the man may be “unaware” of the deeper-seated anxieties that cause his thoughts and behaviors, he may think and say, “I don’t want to be tied down” or “I’m not ready.”
He may blame his partner- “You are too smothering,” “Your expectations are too high,” – all of which may have realistic elements to them, yet it warrants acknowledgment that current relationship dynamic has set off his “unconscious anxiety alarm system.”
The “pulling away” is a flight response
This system includes a fight or flight response. The “pulling away” is a flight response. The fleeing is a way to unconsciously protect the self from perceived threats to emotional safety that had been previously experienced.
Depends on the experiences that inform our attachment style
While experiencing love and deep connection is a basic human need, it can be very challenging for some. Love is a place of vulnerability, and how we each approach love in relationships greatly depends on the experiences that inform our attachment style.
These experiences begin in childhood and are altered by emotionally powerful events throughout our lives.
This is particularly true for those who have experienced trauma, such as military service members and first responders, where protecting their emotional core is vital to surviving the demands of the job. Often these men have been conditioned toward an Avoidant Attachment style.
Avoidant attachment style
Characterized by maintaining emotional distance, idealizing self-sufficiency, and dismissing others’ emotional needs, men with an Avoidant Attachment style often seek relationships but find emotional intimacy confusing, difficult, and exhausting.
While their careers and life experiences have taught them that this is the best way to cope, it can create challenges in loving relationships. The emotional distance and dismissal can cause them to see a partner’s actions and behaviors as needy or clingy.
When we begin to fall in love, our primal need for loving connection comes rushing in. For those with an Avoidant Attachment style, this provokes a great deal of anxiety. Interdependence and the need for another’s love are viewed as weak and contradict the cultural conditioning of the strong, independent, and self-reliant man.
Those who have experienced trauma are often confronted with feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. They worry that if their partner were to see them truly, their wounds and their failures, that they would be unlovable, weak, or less of a is a guy pulling back early on dating more, military and first responders have long been encouraged to “keep the monster in the box” to protect their loved ones from pain. This “box of monsters” gets carried around every day and keeps them from being able to be close in any form, not just related to their trauma.
Often they have become so disconnected from their own emotional experience that, when the opportunity for deep, meaningful connection arises, they are confronted and challenged by it. They freeze up, and the safest course of action is to retreat from the discomfort.
As he pulls away, our own doubts and fears of separation are activated. We chase, protest, complain, trying to keep them close. Our frantic efforts to re-establish connection only succeed in driving our partner further away.
By acknowledging our own fears, managing our own fears, and respecting our partner’s need for independence, we can create a space where he can feel safe.
Mike Ensley, MA, LPCC
Counselor, Ensley Counseling
Guys learn at a young age to be guarded, untrusting, yet accommodating
As men in our culture grow and develop, is a guy pulling back early on dating, they are sent very mixed messages about their emotional life. We expect them to be authentic and relational but also still goal-oriented and strong (unaffected).
In a lot of ways, we are still so bad about either shaming or exploiting men when they are vulnerable, or when they don’t live up to the “toxic” masculine archetype.
Therefore, a lot of guys learn at a young age to be guarded, untrusting, yet also believe they must be accommodating, make others happy, and meet their needs. They’ve never been shown how to be authentic or even given space to be.
They don’t know how to allow someone else a place in their heart
Then, in an intimate partnership with someone just right for their truest self, they do not know how to is a guy pulling back early on dating someone else access to that intimate place in their heart. They themselves don’t have access to it. They deeply want to connect, but all of their experience and indoctrination has taught them not to let anyone come that close.
These men have a lot of work to do in accepting the emotional and relational parts of themselves that they’ve been trained to shut down. Often times, a female partner who attempts to take this on will only find frustration. This is because stepping into that takes the relationship out of an equal and reciprocal place, is a guy pulling back early on dating, and ultimately reinforces the shame and control dynamics that drive men to shut down in the first place.
But men can do this work through counseling and connecting with other men who are emotionally open and accepting. These relationships don’t carry the same expectation and maintenance that the romantic partnership does.
If you are religious or at least open to religion, a church can be a good place to start. Many of the large ones actively promote these kinds of resources.
If not, a therapist is a great place to start. And they can often help you out in getting connected elsewhere.
Different display of affection
Men often pull away after getting close because typically, they display their affection differently than women. From interviewing countless men and other experts in the relationship field, the common consensus has been a man’s need for testosterone.
It is the belief that after having heavily emotionally charged situations that are typically getting close to a woman, it lowers their testosterone levels, and they, therefore, need to pull away to rebuild.
Things are moving too quickly
Often, when men pull away, they come back much stronger than before. Another reason that they pull away is if they feel as though things are moving too quickly, and they want to reassess the situation as to whether or not they even want the relationship.
It has been said that men grow closer to women when they are apart. The opposite is typically true for women that we grow closer through actually spending time and having emotional intimacy.
To build up their emotional bank
Men pull away to refocus, to build up their “emotional bank,” and lastly when they are no longer interested. We are in a culture where people have created terms like breadcrumbing and ghosting for a reason.
The supply seems higher with dating literally at your fingertips through apps. For that reason, many men pull away because they are simply exploring their options. The woman that they are pulling away from simply did not make it to the top position in their rotation or warrant them being exclusive.
Shannon Smith
Head of Public Relations & Communications, Plenty of Fish
Earlier this year, we surveyed over 2,000 singles in the United States about the primary pressures they face in today’s dating climate. The study found that 31% of singles second-guess when to define a relationship as exclusive, and over ¼ (26%) second guess whether or not the person they’re dating is the one.
This data shows that singles second-guess themselves often, and it could be a possible explanation for why some take a step back in a relationship.
Below are three other possible reasons why men may be pulling away or avoiding a serious relationship:
He’s never been in a serious relationship before
It’s entirely possible that he is unfamiliar with these new feelings and is getting spooked. He may be pulling away from the relationship because he’s feeling overwhelmed.
The timing just isn’t right
If he’s recently ended a long-term relationship, he may be hesitant to get into another one right away due to low confidence or because he’s not entirely over the previous one, and therefore isn’t quite ready to commit.
He’s not looking for anything serious
He might not be the committing type and wants to keep his options open, or simply doesn’t see the relationship lasting long-term, and is having trouble communicating that. Instead of being direct and verbalizing his feelings or ending the relationship, he may slowly distance himself to avoid an awkward, honest conversation.
An evolutionarily developed trigger of fear
Some men pull away when they are falling in love because of an evolutionarily developed unconscious trigger of fear. Our ancestor’s survival demanded good mating decisions. This archaic trigger appears to be activated in modern times in men that associate the feeling of falling in love with rejection (vulnerability means danger) or constriction (commitment mean loss of power and choice).
Almost always, is a guy pulling back early on dating, this is a family of origin issue.
There are multiple reasons why men pull away when they are falling in love.
A defense mechanism
For pics of women from dating sites, getting too close can be uncomfortable, eliciting emotions of fear, which result in withdrawal. It could be that they never had such a close relationship, so it is new to them.
Others pull away precisely because of past experiences. If a man had a previously close relationship and was rejected, it is easier to be the one to pull away online dating age lies reject than re-experience the pain on the receiving end.
Finally, those men who had an insecure attachment with their parents growing up can also pull away when things get to close. Closeness is just not safe, is a guy pulling back early on dating, so when the relationship begins to progress, they will only let it go so far.
Thus, it can be a defensive mechanism to protect oneself.
If a man is pulling away when he is definitely in love, it could mean the following:
He is either scared to get hurt, (fear) that stems from past relationships/family, is a guy pulling back early on dating. Financially or emotionally, is a guy pulling back early on dating, he is not ready (timing).
They may be fresh out of a relationship.
He is afraid that this love could be the real deal, and he will mess it up (self-sabotage).
They’d rather convince themselves that the person or the timing is not right than do the work to make it happen.
Men pull away because of their own fear.
Whether it is self-doubt that they can sustain the relationship or a fear of feeling responsible for the emotional state of their mate, the issue is really an internal one.
A man might fear getting hurt, making the wrong choice, or being overwhelmed by his own emotions. Even if they think their partner may be “the one,” they may still feel the need to create some distance.
This is definitely not a symptom all men experience in falling in love.
In today’s dating culture, things between men and women often start out very well, and then suddenly, the connection begins evaporating into thin air. Your good morning texts turn into not hearing from him for days.
You might be dating a guy right now who suddenly pulls away every time things seem to be going well between the two of you, leaving you to wonder if your relationship is doomed, or if there's something you can do about it.
Why do men pull away?
There are a number of reasons why guys pull away when they like you, such as fear of commitment, loss of interest, doubts about what they want, or unresolved feelings about an ex.
Understanding some of the most common scenarios that arise at various stages of relationships will help you decide how to respond and get your healthy relationship back on track.
RELATED: How To Get Your Man To Chase You (No Matter How Long You've Been Dating!)
So, what does it mean when a guy pulls away?
Here are 6 of the most common explanations:
1. He’s afraid of something.
The first thing to know is that the number one reason men pull away from good women they seemed to be falling in love with is fear.
Okay, but fear of what? You were having so much fun together! You have so much in common and every date was full of laughter, flirtation, and those butterflies in your stomach, is a guy pulling back early on dating. Then, just when you believed you could really see this going somewhere, he started to pull away.
Now, he’s much harder to reach and he takes a long time to respond to your texts, and he’s rarely available to see you. When you do speak or see him, he seems distant, is a guy pulling back early on dating, if not a bit cold, and you have no idea what happened or what you might have said to cause this shift.
2. He's had bad experiences with love.
Sometimes his fear has nothing to do with you at all but is based on negative experiences in his past.
These may be issues related to independence or insecurities.
3. He's emotionally unavailable.
He may simply be too emotionally immature to handle the depths of intimacy you were entering together.
4. He's held back by lingering hurt or other feelings related to an ex.
Or he may still be worrying about issues from a previous relationship in which they didn't share the same value. Or maybe she was never physically attracted to him or thought his personality was too is a guy pulling back early on dating, and he's concerned that you feel the same way.
Many men’s minds work a bit differently than women's. Not to over-generalize, but men often have trouble pinpointing exactly what is that's turning them off. What’s more, whatever it is might have nothing to do with is a guy pulling back early on dating, and yet he genuinely may not be able to put his finger on what it is that drives him away.
5. He doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.
Additionally, many men pull away because the idea of a serious long-term relationship freaks them out, plain and simple.
This can be because of past heartbreak, insecurity, or trauma stemming from childhood. They may have once been taught or convinced they’re not good enough and have since struggled with allowing themselves to be vulnerable.
6. He enjoys being single.
Sometimes, is a guy pulling back early on dating, it’s merely because they realize they prefer to remain single and free.
You could be a high-value woman and he would still just want to be single at the moment, is a guy pulling back early on dating. It's not your fault, but it happens.
RELATED: 7 Reasons Why Men Ghost Women (& What To Do When It Happens To You)
How do you know if he's scared of being tied down or scared of being in love?
Some men pull away the moment they realize that they’re developing real feelings for you. Unfortunately, this can also happen at the very moment you're realizing that you're developing real feelings for them!
This fear of love happens because suddenly there are important stakes involved.
They begin worrying about potential outcomes of the relationship, and this affects their behavior. They become nervous, which leads to uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability many people don’t know how to handle.
At the same time, you may have begun fantasizing about your future together.
In doing so, you become more attached to the happy outcomes you hope for and begin feeling anxious at the thought of losing out on your dream now that it feels so close. As a result, you’re no longer in the present moment of getting to know him, fixating instead on how he feels about you — and this will affect your behavior around him.
Generally speaking, people don't react positively to shifts from spending time with someone who has a fun, charming personality to being with someone who always seems to be searching for reassurance.
When you recognize someone that you really like — someone who makes you feel comfortable and good — it’s normal to want to latch on. This often happens without you even realizing it, but it changes your vibe.
Guys can pick up on this.
He might not be able to pinpoint what it is exactly, but he might begin thinking of you as clingy. When a guy feels you're trying too hard to make things official and tie him down, he might panic and pull away.
RELATED: 8 Facts About Dating People With Commitment Issues — As Written By A Woman Who Has Them
When you’re still in the seduction phase with someone, the most important thing is holding onto your self-confidence.
Confidence is key, and here's why.
If you want to seduce a man with whom you’d like to construct a solid relationship, you’ve got to highlight your true personality. Too many people make the mistake of playing a role in order to make someone fall for them, and it always backfires because as soon as the other person realizes you weren’t being genuine.
Being truly confident keeps you safe from appearing to be needy or clingy, which are characteristics that may cause someone to run for the hills, especially if it's early in a is a guy pulling back early on dating relationship.
How to Get Him to Stop Pulling Away: Do's and Don'ts
Do's:
1. Do focus on yourself.
When a man pulls away, your first line of action is switching your focus away from him and back to the task of creating and living the life of your dreams. Make headway on your professional projects and goals. Is a guy pulling back early on dating to the gym and get those endorphins flowing. Spend more time having fun with your friends. Try new things.
And, of course, don’t be afraid to post pictures or status updates on Facebook, Instagram, is a guy pulling back early on dating, and Snapchat about all the fantastic things you have going on in your life. Stop reaching out to him quite as much, and give him the opportunity to wonder what you’re up to.
Social media can be an incredible tool for presenting yourself in a positive light — just be sure the light you're presenting yourself in is authentic.
People is a guy pulling back early on dating are living life to the fullest and are happy with themselves leave a lasting impression, and that’s exactly what you want to do with your new, if currently distant, love interest!
2. Do make yourself less accessible to him.
You need to be a challenge. Instead of obsessing on why he doesn't seem as interested as he did, make sure he sees images of you and how life with you could be that make you practically impossible for him to resist. You don’t have to cut ties and disappear, but reach out to him less and make him wonder where you’ve gone. Don’t ignore his messages, but let him make the first move more often than you do.
By the way, this isn't something you should stop doing once your relationship gets back on track. The way to make a man fall in love and stay in love with you is by maintaining a fantastic life he longs to be part of.
3. Do let him know where you stand.
Men who pull away aren't used to being called out on this type of behavior. In fact, no one is. That’s why we see so much ghosting in the realm of dating and relationships today.
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As you embark on your mission of staying busy building your self-esteem and living your best life, text him something like this, "Hey, it feels like you’re a bit unsure of what you want right now. It’s totally fine, but I’m going to take some distance."
You don’t have to use these words verbatim, but avoid adding anything like, "So let me know when you’re free because I’d love to see you again!"
Ending your message like this would put all the power back in his hands. You want to assert yourself with him while also reminding yourself that you are in control of what happens in your own life. By texting him a message like this, you’re not trying to play detective or figure out what’s going on, you’re just stating the obvious.
So be careful with your wording and make sure not to phrase things in a way that gives away your power. All you're doing is reminding him you don’t need him and making sure he knows you aren't going to wait around.
4. Do control your impulses.
Men, just like women, find the opposite of clingy behavior extremely attractive. The more he pulls away, the closer you'll want to get. When your last twenty text messages and phone calls were left on read or unanswered, you'll want to keep trying until you finally get a response.
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It's understandable that his distance feels so incredibly frustrating. You've been spending so much time together, and now it’s not even a breakup — just sheer, utter and unexplained solitude — but you have to control yourself,
Don'ts:
1. Don't blow up his phone.
Give him space and avoid initiating conversations for a while. If you want the chance to get the ball rolling on a relationship with him again, avoid making this common mistake.
2. Don't harass him.
Harassing him won’t do any good. Sometimes, it isn't even communication you really want; it’s just a response. But nobody wants to talk to someone who makes them feel suffocated. Let some time pass before reaching out again whether through call or text.
3. Don't spy on him.
And please don’t send your friends to spy on him either, or worse, try to get information out of him for you.
4. Don't put him on a pedestal.
It’s normal to forget about someone's flaws when you're missing them, but don’t fool yourself into thinking he's any better or more worthy than you are. Focus on yourself right now.
5. Don’t ask his friends about him.
Word travels, you know. It's important to not allow your emotions to make you act in a disrespectful manner toward is a guy pulling back early on dating person you have your eye on.
Above all, the fact that he isn't picking up should never result in you insulting or threatening him.
You may feel overwhelmed by the desire to tell them everything that’s on your mind that you find it hard to control how the words come out, but you don’t want to wind up in this type of situation. Making this kind of irreparable mistake may give him a real reason to never contact you again.
Despite your frustration, it’s essential to keep your cool and not blow up at him. And when you do speak, stay focused on keeping the dialogue constructive.
Making it through this period will require a lot of patience from you, but you’ll be fine. Finding happiness was never easy, so don't let this period deter you from your happily ever after.
Filling your schedule and staying busy will help you keep things in perspective.
RELATED: There Are 5 Stages Of Love & Intimacy In Relationships — Here's How To Know Which You're In
Alex Cormont, founder of French Relationship Expert, is an expert in dating and relationships based in Miami, FL, who works with women to guide them to find the right man and have the relationship they've always dreamt of. His expert advice has been featured on Forbes, Huffington Post, GQ, and Elle.
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