In 2019, the Internet will have you believe that everyone is polyamorous. Articles are published daily about couples who have sexual and romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. For Valentine’s Day this year, NPR had a segment titled, “The New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory On The Rise” and just last week, men dating polyamory New York Times published “Polyamory Works For Them&rdquo.

But how many people are actually polyamorous? It’s tough to gauge the numbers, but it’s currently estimated that 4 to 5 percent of people men dating polyamory in the United States are polyamorous—or participating in other forms of open relationships—and 20 percent of people have at least attempted some kind of open relationship at some point in their lives. Those numbers, however, are likely to increase, as a 2016 YouGov study, found that only half of millennials (defined as under 30-years-old) want a “completely monogamous” relationship.

So what exactly men dating polyamory polyamory? How does it differ from open relationships? And why are we seeing a rise in interest and practice? Let's break it down.

Polyamory

Polyamory simply means you’re open to the idea of both loving and having a serious romantic relationship with more than one person at a time. “Poly” comes from the Greek word meaning many, and “amory” from the Latin for love. Notice that it’s simply “open” to the idea of loving more than one person at the same time, meaning you can have just one partner, and still be polyamorous.

If this is the case, you and your partner haven’t found another person you want to call your boyfriend or girlfriend, men dating polyamory. Nevertheless, you’re not opposed to falling in love with another person. You’d also be supportive if your partner found another serious partner.

Open relationship

Lia Holmgren, a NYC-based intimacy and relationship coach, shed some light on the major difference between open and polyamorous relationships. She told Men’s Health, “In polyamorous relationships, you build relationships with other people men dating polyamory your main relationship, and the purpose isn’t only sex but also emotional connection and support.” She continued, “In open relationship, you have one primary partner you have a sexual and emotional relationship with, but you are allowed to have sexual relationships with other people outside of the relationships that do not form into romantic relationships.”

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No two types of open relationships look the same. They each come with their own set of rules agreed upon by the couple. Some couples will agree that they only “play” together. Perhaps penetrative sex is off the table but other sexual activity is fair game. There are also couples who agree that they can’t have sex with the same person more than once or let casual partners spend the night, men dating polyamory. Whatever you decide is completely fine, as long as both you and your partner follow the agreed upon terms.

Ethical Non-Monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is the umbrella term for all relationship styles that aren’t strictly monogamous, including polyamory, open relationships, and all the terms to follow. The word “ethical” is thrown in there to indicate that all partners are aware of the relationship dynamic. This differentiates ENM from people who are simply liars or cheaters.

Monogamish

Coined by relationship guru Dan Savage nearly a decade ago, “monogamish” describes relationships that are, for the most part, monogamous, but allow for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). These acts of indiscretion don’t happen regularly; they typically take place when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings are meaningless, and in my own personal experience talking to couples in monogamish relationships, they usually have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy”—meaning that they don’t want to hear about whatever their partner did while out of town. This differs from most open relationships, where couples tend to share their sexual experiences to their partners (within reason).

Polyfidelity

In polyfidelitous relationships, all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending on if there are three of four people in the relationship. The easiest way to think of polyfidelity is that it’s like monogamy, only with an additional member (or two).

Relationship Anarchy

“Relationship anarchy, often abbreviated as RA, means that you can do whatever you want in your relationship, and it’s nobody else’s business,” explains Holmgren. “You and your partner(s) make up your own rules without care for what is traditionally considered right or wrong.”

Relationship anarchists are the “we don’t do labels” of the relationship community. (Yet, ironically, they need a label to make that distinction.) They actively eschew any social norms when it comes to relationships, and don’t want to categorize their relationship as being open, monogamish, or anything else (even if it technically fits into those categories).

Why are we seeing a rise in interest and practice of ethical non-monogamous relationships?

Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the members-only sex and cannabis club, New Society for Wellness (NSFW), attributes the increase in polyamory to numerous societal and cultural factors, but he focused specifically of four.

1. Many millennials grew up in broken homes or men dating polyamory parents in a loveless marriage.

“Former examples of love from our childhood have had an impact,” he explains. “We realize the mistakes our parents made and strive not to repeat them. We don't want to get divorced because we still have scars from our past.”

Since monogamy didn't work for many members of the previous generation, millennials are searching for other types of relationship formats.

2. Millennials are leaving organized religion, men dating polyamory.

"In line with marriage is the idea of 'sanctity' or something that should be holy in our eyes. Millennials are leaving the church in droves," Saynt says. "We're seeing the hypocrisy of religious leaders. Many are rebelling men dating polyamory the principles we've been raised to believe were important to reach salvation."

Since the current generation recognizes how often traditional marriages fail and don’t trust the church’s concept of marriage, “We've formed our own thinking on what love, commitment, and sex means to us, which opens the door for loving more than one person.”

3. There's an increase use of dating apps.

"Hookup culture is the norm and people now feel they have options when a relationship doesn't work out," Saynt says. "So, too, has the pool of potential partners increased. Both men and women are men dating polyamory to wake up to the idea that having a single partner for life might not be as interesting as finding many people to play with.”

“This doesn't mean we don't want commitment,” he clarifies, men dating polyamory. “There's plenty of commitment in polyamorous relationships. We just don't believe that one person should be responsible for all our emotional and sexual pleasures.”

4. There's been an increase in polyamorous representation in the media.

"Over the past 20 years, we've seen an increase in stories about polyamorous people, men dating polyamory, both real and fictional. Polyamory, Big Love, Unicorn Land, Me You Her, Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, and Monogamish have all provided people with a peek into the lifestyle.” Saynt believes increased visibility has let people know that polyamory is a valid relationship style.

Whatever the factors are, there’s no question society’s interest in polyamory isn’t a passing phase. It’s here to stay, and you can expect to see even more articles discussing the various ways folks are embracing sexual and romantic relationships with multiple partners, men dating polyamory.

At least now, men dating polyamory, you’ll know exactly what they're talking about.

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Once considered a more "niche" or "alternative" lifestyle, polyamory is finally breaking into mainstream cultural conversations, from Washington Post advice columns to movies, TV shows, and celebrity representation. And that's great news! It means more people are recognizing that some of us can love men dating polyamory than one person at once, and that the many types of men dating polyamory relationships are just as legitimate as monogamous ones.

It’s estimated that 4 to 5% of people living in the United States are polyamorous—roughly 17 million people in the U.S. However, those numbers will likely increase, as a 2016 YouGov study found that only half of millennials (defined as people under 30 at the time) want a “completely monogamous” relationship.

Despite more visibility around polyamory, there’s still a lot of confusion around men dating polyamory exactly polyamory is, and what the men dating polyamory types of poly relationships are. Being polyamorous means you’re open to the idea of loving men dating polyamory people and having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously. (The term "polyamory" comes from the Greek word "poly," which means many, men dating polyamory, and the Latin word "amory," which means love.) Note that polyamory simply means you're open to the idea of loving more than one person; a person with one partner can still be polyamorous. You can even have zero partners and be polyamorous—that's called "single poly," and we talk about it shortly!

What are the different types of polyamory?

The definition of polyamory is broad, but that’s on purpose. There’s no “one way” to be poly, and there are various types of relationship structures and dynamics that fall under the wide-ranging polyamorous umbrella. So, men dating polyamory, let's break down some of the more common types of polyamory (and their associated terms).

Hierarchical Polyamory

Example: John lives with his wife, and they each have a boyfriend they see once a week.

“When someone is practicing hierarchical polyamory, there is a prioritization of partners,” explains Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, licensed psychotherapist and sex educator. Often, the language associated with hierarchical polyamory is “primary partner” and “secondary partner.” So, your primary partner may be the person you live with, share a bank account with, and are even married to. They are your first priority, men dating polyamory. Then you may have a second partner who you see less often. You don’t necessarily love your secondary partner any less; it’s more about the time and energy you give each partner. That’s partly why some people more recently have opted to use the word “nesting partner” instead of a primary partner. (Also, men dating polyamory, some people don’t like being called a secondary or even tertiary partner.)

While there are clear upsides to hierarchical polyamory, mainly the increased level of security that comes with being someone's primary partner, there are a couple of things to keep in mind if you're practicing this poly style.

“Imposed hierarchies can be toxic and even abusive in some situations if not handled carefully,” warns polyamory educator Leanne Yau. “For example, veto power, where you give your primary partner the option to force a break up between you and your other partners if they feel they are being disruptive to men dating polyamory connection, dislike them, or literally any other reason.” So when practicing hierarchical poly, it's necessary to have a level of individual autonomy when making your own decisions regarding your other partners.

Non-Hierarchical Polyamory

Example: John has had men dating polyamory two partners for a while, but he just hit it off with a new partner and has shifted his schedule to make more time for them.

With non-hierarchical poly, every partner is considered when it comes to making big decisions, and there isn't a ranking system the same way there is in hierarchical polyamorous dynamics; so there are no primary or secondary partners.

"It doesn’t mean you have to treat everyone equally, but rather, each relationship is allowed to grow organically without any rules imposed on it by a third-party,” Yau says. “Everyone has equal opportunity to negotiate the terms of the relationship without outside influence.”

Kitchen Table Polyamory

Example: John, his husband, and their two boyfriends occasionally go out to dinner together.

Some polyamorous folks enjoy getting to know their partner's partners (a.k.a. metamours). They want to be friends with them, and in some situations, have an independent relationship with them (platonic or sexual) that extends beyond their shared partner. This is often referred to as "kitchen table" polyamory.

“Kitchen table polyamory is the concept that everyone involved in the polycule (the group of people connected through romantic relationships) or constellation would be open to or even enjoy sitting together at the kitchen table sharing coffee or breaking bread,” Wright says. “Folks who identify with this type of polyamory want to know and be friends with their metamours.”

Parallel Polyamory

Example: John has a wife and a girlfriend, but his wife and GF have never met in person.

Now, some folks have no desire to get to know their metamour. While they don't mind their partner having another partner, it still hurts when they see men dating polyamory interact lovingly with another person. Men dating polyamory that's the case, people may choose to engage in parallel polyamory, which falls on the opposite end of the spectrum as kitchen table poly. “Similar to parallel lines, this is when polyamorous relationships don’t interact,” Wright says.

FYI, parallel polyamory is different from the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that's sometimes practiced in open relationships, Yau says. In parallel polyamory arrangements, all partners are aware of the other partner(s)' existence; they just have no desire to meet or hear about one another.

Garden Party Polyamory

Example: John has a birthday dinner coming up, and his wife and girlfriend will both be in attendance.

Some folks don’t want to have a friendship with their metamour. While they’re not looking for kitchen table polyamory, they also recognize how challenging men dating polyamory polyamory can we be when you have two serious romantic partners. Enter garden party polyamory, men dating polyamory. The name comes from the idea that you all could be friendly and social at a larger garden party, men dating polyamory. So you don't mind seeing them periodically and are not looking to keep everything separate. “This is a way for all partners to be able to attend some type of important event, like birthdays, graduations, etc.,” says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD., a sex and relationship scientist who teaches an ethical non-monogamy course called Open Smarter.

Throuple

Example: John has a wife and boyfriend who are also in a romantic relationship with one another.

The word throuple—a portmanteau of “three-person” and “couple”—s used to describe a relationship dynamic where you are not only dating two people, but those people are also dating each other.

“A lot of people assume that it’s just three people in one relationship, but it’s more than that," Yau says. "In order for the throuple to be sustained long-term, the relationships between each pair within the throuple also have to be cultivated and nurtured."

You can be in an open throuple, meaning that in addition to your two partners, you have other people men dating polyamory romantically involved with, men dating polyamory, or you could be in a closed throuple, where you’re monogamous with your two partners. “There is also a four-person equivalent of this called a quad,” Yau says, men dating polyamory.

Polyfidelity

Example: John's wife and boyfriend aren't dating anyone else, men dating polyamory, nor are they seeking any other forms of sexual/romantic relationships.

A closed throuple is a good example of a polyfidelitous relationship.

As Jessica Fern defines in her book Polysecure, polyfidelity is "a romantic or sexual relationship that involves more than two people, but these people are exclusive with each other. This could include a group relationship of three or more people that is closed to any additional outside partners, or it could be a person who has more than one partner and their partners are not dating each other, but they are also closed to additional relationship."

Solo Polyamory

Example: John has multiple partners who he loves and values, but he lives alone and his biggest focus right now is on his career.

Solo polyamory is defined in two different ways by the solo polyamorous community, explains Yau. “Some people define solo polyamory as the practice of living an independent, single life while having multiple relationships.” So a solo polyamorous person may choose to live alone or with a friend instead of with a romantic partner. While they may not get married or co-parent with a romantic partner, they still form very committed relationships.

“Other people define solo polyamory as the life philosophy of prioritizing yourself and ‘being your own primary partner, and are less strict about what it looks like as a lifestyle,” she says.

Single Polyamory

Example: John is currently single, but knows that his preferred relationship dynamic is one that is polyamorous with multiple partners.

“Single polyamory is simply a person who is polyamorous but currently has no partners,” Yau says. “They may want to be hierarchical, non-hierarchical, solo, or whatever else; it is not a relationship structure in the same way that the other [terms] are, just a descriptor for a person who is polyamorous but single.”

You might be wondering why someone may identify as a single polyamorist if they’re not in any relationship. The reason is to illustrate to dates and potential future partners that you are someone who is polyamorous. If that person is looking for monogamy, you’re not going to be a fit because even as you begin to fall in love with this person, you will still date and potentially fall in love with other people, men dating polyamory.

Relationship Anarchy

Example: John has multiple partners, men dating polyamory, friends, and lovers whom he values and loves. He doesn't treat one relationship more seriously just because they're romantically/sexually involved.

Last on our list is relationship anarchy (RA), which is kinda a big "fuck you" to any relationship structure. “RA is a life philosophy that promotes the idea of no assumed hierarchy among not just your lovers, but also your friends and other people who are important to you,” Yau says. “Instead of prioritizing your one monogamous romantic partner at the top, you can customize all of your connections with people individually and build a life and support network that works best for you.”

Relationship anarchy does not automatically assume that romance is inherently more valuable, important, and life-affirming than friendships. “It also takes away all the assumptions about what you can and can’t do with certain connections. You could co-parent with your best friend, live separately from your romantic partner, and so on, men dating polyamory, as long as it works for the people involved,” Yau says.

While relationship anarchy and non-hierarchical polyamory sound similar, that is an important distinction: “Nonhierarchical polyamory is a relationship structure, whereas relationship anarchy is a life philosophy,” Yau says. “Relationship anarchy can look like whatever you want it to.”

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• Polyamory is not a legally protected status, like being straight or gay. You can lose your job for being polyamorous. Courts can use it against you in child custody proceedings.
• Polyamory and non-monogamy take many different forms.
• For instance, egalitarian polyamory means not having a primary partner at all, and there are many asexual people who are polyamorous.

About five years ago, Cameron Mckillop was talking to a friend at work, men dating polyamory, when an older woman came up to them and abruptly put an end to their conversation.

"[She] loudly told the other girl to stay away from me or I'd take her back home and make her another one of my wives," Mckillop told INSIDER.

"The friendship never really recovered, and after that most of the women in that class and then on the call floor wouldn't interact with me. Also, the older lady would always look daggers in my direction whenever I was near her."

Mckillop is polyamorous, which means he has multiple partners. Polyamory and other types of non-monogamy are an alternative to what Amy Gahran, a writer and editor based in Boulder, Colorado, calls the "relationship escalator."

When people say they are "in a relationship," they are generally referring to being one of a couple. They progress from the initial spark, men dating polyamory, to dating, to having sex, becoming exclusive, moving in together, getting married, and so on.

"That was so hammered into me from everything I saw around me that it didn't occur to me that any other model was viable," Gahran told INSIDER. "But as young as 12 or 13 I was imagining relationships that worked in very different ways."

Read more: 7 things people with multiple partners want you to know about what it's really like

But although awareness has come a long way in the 20 years Gahran has been in the non-monogamous community, there are still misconceptions. And these misconceptions can lead to judgment, abuse, and even legal problems.

"Being polyamorous in particular, or otherwise consensually non-monogamous, at least in the US, men dating polyamory, is not a protected status," Gahran said. "It is something you can get fired for. It is something that can jeopardize child custody arrangements, it can complicate divorce proceedings, it can complicate people's ability to get access to jobs or education."

Is having a primary partner ethical?

Gahran now lives as a solo-polyamorist, meaning she men dating polyamory more than one lover at a time, but leads an independent life and doesn't consider herself to be part of any couples. She also practices egalitarian polyamory, which means there are no primary or secondary partners in her relationships.

"The first thing that I notice as a solo-poly person, is the presumption that polyamory equals couple plus," Gahran said. In other words, that polyamory starts from a couple who opens up their relationship.

"And it may be anything from a casual relationship to a 'third' who moves in with them and joins their relationship," she added.

"Notice these words — whose relationship? The point I'm getting to there is that a couple plus implies hierarchy, that polyamory is mostly by and for previously established couples who want to, men dating polyamory, for whatever reasons, have adjuncts to their relationship."

Many people are fine with this set up, she said, but it's not the only way that polyamory works.

Author and relationship coach Dedeker Winston currently has two partners and a third person who she's just started seeing, and she doesn't consider anyone her primary partner.

"There's definitely an ongoing debate around whether or not hierarchy in relationships is ethical," she told INSIDER. "Can one person dictate what I am and what I'm allowed to do in another relationship? Is it possible to put caps on how close a person is allowed to get to another person? It starts to bring up a lot of these questions."

At the moment, Winston spends part of the year with her partner Alec, and part of it with Jase, who she and her other friend Emily host a podcast with called Multiamory. A man with two women talking about polyamory often gains a lot of attention, because people assume they must be a triad.

When they describe what's free local dating without payment going on — that it's more complicated and more interesting than that — they lose interest.

"That tends to be what the media wants to gravitate towards," Winston said. "Consequently, that means a lot of people's conceptions about polyamory is either it's a more destabilized version of married monogamy, or it's these people who want to have threesomes all the time, or a guy who just wants to have a harem."

Read more: What it means for couples to go 'unicorn hunting' — and why it usually doesn't end well

These things definitely exist, she added, but it's certainly not representative for everyone, and that can get frustrating for people in the non-monogamous community.

For example, there are many asexual and demisexual people who consider themselves polyamorous. These are people who don't really consider sex part of how they form romantic relationships, or don't feel sexual desire whatsoever.

"Polyamory allows them to get a variety of their needs met, but also have partners who are still sexual people," said Winston. "People tend to assume it's a kinky thing and you're just having a bunch of sex, but clearly it's not, because there are a lot of people who have no interest in sex who are still flocking men dating polyamory this kind of relationship structure."

As Gahran puts it: "A lot of people want to focus on who are you f---ing."

"Who I'm having sex with is only one way that I'm intimate and interdependent with other people while maintaining my own home base, while keeping my feet under me, while being resilient," she said.

"If you want to think really, really, really hard about relationships, men dating polyamory, take sex and/or romance out of the picture, then you have to consider why people are really connecting with each other.'"

There are many different ways to be non-monogamous

The way polyamory and non-monogamy does often work is like with constellations or polycules, which refers collectively to all of the people who are in a relationship with one or more other members of the group.

For instance, Winston is dating Jase who has another partner, but Winston is only friends with her. Jase's partner is also seeing someone else.

"It becomes something that's hard to translate into a written media without having to get out a whiteboard," Winston said.

Unicornland / YouTube

There are also polyaffective families, which is a term coined by Eli Sheff, an academic expert on polyamory. This is the idea of maintaining a relationship outside of intimate relationships with everyone else you're connected to — exes, co-parents, mutual friends, your partner's other partner, and anyone else.

One partner in a polyamorous relationship may also identify as monogamous, and those are called poly-mono relationships. There isn't any hard data on how successful this tends to be, men dating polyamory, Winston said, but there are some rather robust online communities of poly-mono people who are happy.

"I find with working with people, that tends to require both partners being really unconditionally understanding of the other's needs," she said. "I've also spoken to a number of monogamous people in poly-mono relationships who have come to terms with it and actually feel quite satisfied with it. That's definitely not everybody but it seems like it is possible."

Read more: This is why polyamorous people don't feel jealousy

Then there's solo-polyamorists like Gahran, who foster connections with people and focus on strengthening them. She said she never sees dating as a numbers game.

"I'm out there meeting a lot of people and talking to a lot of people and I like to see how we will connect in various ways," she said. "I just try to keep an open mind about it, and sometimes those relationships end up being sexually intimate, romantically intimate, very deeply emotionally intimate, and that's good."

Right now she has two lovers, but also has people in her life she considers her family men dating polyamory choice, including her former spouse.

"These were all relationships that developed and evolved gradually, over time, because I let them be what they were going to be and so did the other people involved," she said.

Being open is good for awareness, but it can be dangerous

When Mckillop faced discrimination from a colleague at work, he said he wasn't broadcasting his non-monogamy at all. He had just decided to be open about it, and "people tend to notice when you say 'my wife' and then 'my girlfriend' in quick succession."

But really everyone is open about their sexual preferences when they mention someone they're dating, their wife, their husband, or even the fact they have children.

"You mentioned that you're married, do you think people don't assume you're f------?" she said. "Realize all the ways that the escalator and especially monogamy are privileged in this society. And don't try to inadvertently stigmatize people who aren't riding that escalator and give them room to speak their truth and be safe about it."

Although people are a lot more open-minded than they once were, being polyamorous isn't always safe. For instance, the biggest legal challenge can be child custody, said Winston.

"There has been, at least within the states, some really unfortunate precedents set for a grandparent or someone reporting parents as being unfit parents because they are polyamorous," she said.

"Nobody is having sex in front of the children or anything like that. It's just a very normal relationship. But you get judges who don't know, they freak out, or they assume you're into this weird kinky thing and you must have anormative values which means you must be an anormative parent, which must mean it's a dangerous situation for your children to be in."

That means people can choose to keep their private lives hidden because the risk is losing their child.

"But then secondarily, there [are] also reasons why people get really frustrated when they don't feel like they're being accurately represented," Winston said. "These representations influence the assumptions that people make, you know . And consequently, men dating polyamory, that informs public opinion about things and that ends up informing things like social awareness and actual policy."

After his experience, Mckillop said he hasn't closed up about being polyamorous. If anything, he's more open about it than he men dating polyamory to be.

"I wanted to change people's minds . I don't hide it at all these days. Unless I have partners who are not 'out'," he said.

"I'm not sure I've been around long enough to have an opinion on how people used to be ., men dating polyamory. I think in general right now people are respectful even if they don't understand."

I gave my current boyfriend a chance because his men dating polyamory seemed really cool.

They had an open relationship, men dating polyamory, I was single, and I figured that if this gorgeous woman thought he was worth her time, he’d be a good fit for me too.

By our first date they had parted ways, and he was single… ish. He identified himself as polyamorous, which wasn’t new to me.

I wasn’t polyamorous but I was used to dating several people at a time. It was my way of keeping everyone on their toes and it helped me focus on what I wanted from a relationship without compromising on my boundaries. I was less likely to ‘settle’ out of a fear I wouldn’t find anyone else, or to tolerate relationship red flags.

By the time our first date came around I was even looking forward to learning more about his perspective and comparing notes on juggling partners.

It was simple and sweet – a trip to a vegan men dating polyamory, a bar, chatting on the swings in a nearby playground. I didn’t think we had much in common, but we had shared ethics and politics, he was gentle and kind, and we had undeniable chemistry.

We didn’t tend to talk about other partners in the early days of dating – but we didn’t hide them either. Occasionally he’d mention a day spent with someone else, but I didn’t press for details. We spent almost all of our free time together, roaming London, eating at restaurants, having a whirlwind summer romance.

In fact, I didn’t expect my new polyamorous relationship would have an especially long future. I’ve always known I wanted marriage and children and knew that at some point I would want just one person to build a life with.

Then unfortunately, and with unexpected speed, men dating polyamory, I accidentally fell in love with him.

One month in, we were lazing around and talking when, seemingly out of nowhere, we admitted that we loved each other. By anyone’s standards this was absurdly fast but he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted, delighted, assuming this meant Men dating polyamory was now his only partner – at least men dating polyamory most important partner – and that monogamy would soon follow.

This bubble of naivete burst when he mentioned his ‘other girlfriend’.

With love now on the table, I was suddenly no longer blase about who else he might be dating. I began to get territorial about the time we spent together. I watched his Instagram Stories when he was on a date, trying to catch a glimpse of who he was with and gauge how romantic the outing was. Once he took someone to comedy club I had been planning to take him to and I felt heartbroken.

I cried, wrote melancholy poetry, fretted about whether the other women he was seeing were thinner, smarter, prettier or better in bed than I was. We talked about me meeting one of his other partners, and eventually I did, but for a long time the idea of seeing him engage in any type of casual intimacy with someone else made me nauseous.

I tried to continue dating other people too but no-one held my interest. I was surprised at how many men had no issue dating me while I was in an open relationship – most assumed I was only interested in having sex, but were quickly disappointed.

Sleeping with other people felt like cheating, and jealousy from any encounter hurt us both, so it didn’t feel worth it.

I was misled into thinking there was a rulebook, one way to do polyamory correctly, and that if I asked for anything different I would be constraining my partner to a version of love that was inauthentic and incomplete for him.

I endlessly searched for testimonies from other monogamous people in a polyamorous dynamic, looking for honest accounts and success stories, men dating polyamory, trying to calculate the life span of our relationship in a way that bordered on the macabre.

But most were written from a polyamorous perspective and with the benefit of hindsight I can see how they warped my expectations.

I was misled into thinking there was a rulebook, one way to do polyamory correctly, and that if I asked for anything different I would be constraining my partner to a version of love that was inauthentic and incomplete for him – the thought horrified me.

We reached an uneasy, ever-shifting compromise. I would interrogate him about what love and commitment meant to him, where he saw us in five months men dating polyamory months, five years…) and we were brutally honest about what we meant to one another.

We (re)negotiated boundaries like how often we would see each other, men dating polyamory, committed to be each other’s primary men dating polyamory and told each other about other dates.

I tried to understand that it wasn’t a deficit in my character but rather that he was just built differently. When we talked about our different approaches to love, I described a finite resource – a cup of love that only has enough to nourish one person. His was a deeper pool from which he could give endlessly under the right circumstances.

I did my best, while my self-esteem slowly eroded.

We finally settled on a solution: a monthly relationship audit with a set of questions that allowed us to talk honestly about any changes in expectations or boundaries that we needed to make to keep us both – but mainly me – happy.

I knew it couldn’t last. The toll on my wellbeing was too high, and knowing that I wanted long-term monogamy was making polyamory feel like a waste of my time.

He was effusive in his love for me, letting me know he wanted a future with me no matter what. Because I loved him, I wanted him to have the future he wanted with or without me but I still did not ask for what I needed – monogamy.

Ten months into our open relationship, he did it for me: he asked me if we could be monogamous, and we still are six months later. He says this wasn’t a difficult decision in the end, as it was vastly preferable to losing me. The ease of our relationship now has stopped either of us looking back.

We have both learned a lot about what we value in a relationship. We have laughed the entire way, are constantly mindful of each other’s needs and desires and our hard-earned policy of radical and total honesty has made our transition into monogamy the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.

More: Lifestyle

From our fundamental difference in outlook, we have cobbled together a definition of love that works for us.

Dating a man who is capable of loving others as deeply as he loves you is daunting, men dating polyamory, but the time and love we spend together, we enthusiastically choose to give to each other before all others.

Loving each other is a choice we commit to anew every day, a chance that I am so thankful I took.

MORE : People judge me for having a husband and a girlfriend, but my open marriage is proof that polyamory works

MORE : In a mixed-faith relationship, true love is about respect

MORE : For non-binary people like me, true love means loving myself first

What Is Polyamory?

"Polyamory is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible, and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously," according to the Polyamory Society. "Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time."

To be polyamorous means to have open intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. People who are polyamorous can be heterosexual, lesbian, men dating polyamory, gay, or bisexual, men dating polyamory relationships between polyamorous people can include combinations of people of different sexual orientations.

Unlike open relationships, polyamory is characterized by emotional as well as sexual or romantic intimacy between partners. In contrast to infidelity, men dating polyamory, or extramarital sex, polyamory is consensual and disclosed to everyone involved.

Sometimes polyamorous relationships are hierarchical (one relationship takes priority over others) and sometimes they are equal. In a hierarchical scenario, a person may have a primary as well as secondary partners:

• Primary: A primary partner is at the top of the hierarchical structure; this person may be the person with whom you live, have kids with, or even marry. A primary partner is not necessary for polyamorous relationships.
• Secondary: Secondary partner(s) may not be as intertwined in your life as a primary partner; for example, you may not share housing or finances but you may still be fully committed to each other.

The defining aspects of polyamorous relationships over other nonmonogamous relationship types are consent and communication.

What Polyamory Is Not

While the boundaries in polygamous relationships are quite different from those for monogamous relationships, they still exist.

People in polyamorous relationships may or may not be married, men dating polyamory, although people who identify as polyamorous may reject the restrictions of the social convention of marriage, and particularly, the limitation to one partner.

Nor should it be confused with "swinging" or "spouse swapping" in which couples in established one-on-one relationships have casual sexual encounters with people in other couples.

Polyamory is also not the same as an "open" relationship, which involves a committed couple agreeing that one or both partners are permitted to have sex with other people, without necessarily sharing information on the other partners. However, polyamorous couples may also have open relationships.

"Consensual nonmonogamy" is an umbrella term that psychologists use to describe swinging, open relationships, and polyamory. Research suggests that more than 20% of Americans have participated in a consensual, nonmonogamous relationship at some point in their lives.

Types of Polyamorous Relationships

Unlike monogamous relationships, which by definition are limited to one partner, polyamory comes in many forms and may change over time based on the individuals involved.

While many polyamorous relationships are characterized by a couple who openly and consensually pursues independent or joint relationships outside of their primary relationship, others practice polyamory by having multiple independent, separate relationships, men dating polyamory, or even relationships between three or more people.

Triad

Also known as a “throuple,” a men dating polyamory refers to a relationship with three people. Not all three people need to date one another, however. One person may be dating two different people.

Quad

As the name implies, a quad refers to a relationship with four people. This type of polyamorous relationship often occurs when two polyamorous couples meet and begin dating one person from the other couple. You can also have a full quad, where all four members are romantically or sexually involved with one another, men dating polyamory.

Polycule

This term refers to a whole network of people who are romantically connected. For example, it might include you and your primary partner, your primary partner's secondary partner, your primary partner's secondary partner's primary partner, and so on.

Kitchen Table Polyamory

This term refers to a family-like network formed by people who know each other. The name comes from the fact that people in this type of polyamorous relationship gather around the kitchen table for meals.

Parallel Polyamory

Parallel polyamory refers to relationships in which you’re aware of each other’s other partners but have little no contact with those partners, men dating polyamory.

Solo Polyamory

Individuals in a solo polyamorous relationship do not intend to merge their identity or life infrastructure with their partners. For example, they don’t wish to marry or share a home or finances with any of their partners.

Tips for Avoiding Relationship Issues

The need for clear communication and boundaries among all concerned is a key feature of the polyamorous philosophy. The complexity of interrelationships between polyamorous partnerships can leave some individuals vulnerable to exploitation. However, research shows that people in consensual nonmonogamous relationships and those in monogamous ones have similar levels of psychological well-being and relationship quality.

Establish Rules and Boundaries

A big part of polyamory is ensuring that all partners are on the same page when it comes to emotional and physical boundaries, including:

• Divulging details about relationships with others
• How often to spend time with each other and other people
• Sharing your polyamorous status with others
• What's OK and not okay as far as sexual acts and men dating polyamory practices

Support One Another

Just like in a monogamous relationship, it’s important to support your partners and show respect and courtesy, even if you don’t like your partner’s metamour (your partner's partner who’s not romantically or sexually involved with you).

Avoid Comparisons

Although it’s human nature, do your best to avoid the comparison game. For example, don’t go and book an extravagant trip for two just because your partner had a weekend getaway with one of their other partners, men dating polyamory.

Express Your Feelings and Men dating polyamory

Jealousy is a common feeling that can come to the surface in a polyamorous relationship. Communicating these feelings, instead of letting them consume you, is key for polyamory.

In fact, a common term used in polyamory is compersion, or the feeling of joy from seeing your partner happy with another partner. This is the opposite of jealousy.

A Word From Verywell

Only you can decide whether polyamory is right for you. Having this type of relationship not only involves challenging the ideal of monogamy but examining what you expect from love and romantic partners. In men dating polyamory end, being honest with yourself and your partner(s) about your feelings is most important for a happy relationship.

What Is an Open Relationship?

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The COVID-19 pandemic changed everything, including how we view ourselves and our relationships. Dating app usage surged during the first quarter of 2020; more people than ever have come out as queer, non-binary, and transgender; and since vaccination rates have increased, so has an interest in ethical non-monogamy (ENM). And while there might not be one perfect polyamorous dating site that caters to every type of non-monogamous person, plenty of dating app options (and filters) do exist that can work for the ENM community.

I like to say I was ahead of the curve. I started practicing non-monogamy when I was 18 years old—before its surge in popularity—when my high school boyfriend and I agreed to an open relationship. Eight years later, I’m a non-monogamy educator. While I like to thank algorithms for introducing me to many of my partners, dating apps aren’t the most conducive to finding partners as a non-monogamous person. It can be hard to sift through the noise and find partners who are on the same page. Plus, the dating pool can often feel tiny.

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“It’s really hard, just by the nature of polyamory itself, to find experienced and dope polyamorous folks who aren’t saturated…no matter what app you’re on,” says Jessica Levity, polyamorous educator and entertainer. “I think ENM folks should be aware of the reality of dating app burnout. In general, using dating apps is a ‘numbers game,’ and that numbers game is even harder for ENM folks because it’s a smaller sample size.”

As a non-monogamous person, I’ve experienced this as well. No matter how many times I say I’m in a polyamorous relationship on my profile, I inevitably come upon people who immediately un-match me when they realize they can’t have me all to themselves.

So, what apps can help us navigate these difficulties? How can ENM people work their way into a world—and an online dating world—that perpetuates the concept of finding a “one and only”? Well, first we pick our battles. Then we pick our apps.

My personal experience using dating apps as a queer, non-monogamous woman

Despite meeting my first romantic female partner on Hinge, this app in particular is one of the least amenable apps for ethical non-monogamy. It is, after all, coined as “designed to be deleted,” which perpetuates monogamy, so it’s not surprising that I found it difficult to be ENM on this app.

It doesn’t give you an option in your profile to designate the level of exclusivity you desire, which isn’t expected—but paired with the fact that your bio is actually a series of answers to their preselected questions, you have to get creative if you want to make it clear you’re ethically non-monogamous.

Still, because it attracts folks who are looking for more serious (monogamous) relationships, I’ve received the most skepticism about my lifestyle on it. Most of the men I spoke to on Hinge were confused about the workings of ENM or they saw me as a challenge.

Tinder and Bumble, while not perfect, are pretty decent options for ENM folks. Their benefits have to do with numbers and simplicity. In the United States, Tinder and Bumble are the dating apps with the largest user base. Because these two apps are so popular, you’re more likely to run into others who are ethically non-monogamous—or at least open to it. The hard part: wading through the mass of humans (and bots) in order to find what you’re looking for.

Feeld and OkCupid are two of the best options for ethically non-monogamous dating. Feeld was made for ENM. Formerly called 3nder, Feeld claims to be “a sex-positive space for humans looking to explore dating beyond the norm,” and I’d say that’s true. When you make your profile, you can upload photos of yourself, link your account to a partner, and specify your “interests” and “desires.” There are a litany of options in terms of choosing your gender identity and sexuality as well as the types of accounts you want to see. If you don’t want to see couples? Cool. If you’d like to see only women? Great. It allows you to tailor toward the experience you’re looking for.

As for OkCupid, in 2014, the app added expanded gender and sexuality options for users to select. And in 2016, it added non-monogamy options. That, along with the questionnaire-driven algorithm, allows folks to more easily pursue what they’re looking for.

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But of course, my opinion isn’t the only one that matters. So I spoke with seven other folks who identify as non-monogamous about their favorites and definitely-not-favorites.

Here’s what dating apps are worth taking up storage space, according to others who identify as non-monogamous:

• “I started with Feeld, which was great when I was first exploring and is incredibly [non-monogamous] friendly. It was an education and chance for me to learn a lot (especially what various abbreviations meant!) and I met some amazing people who have been really influential for me.” —Sammy, 29, London
• “I gravitate more toward Tinder because the interface is better and I think it has something for everyone. [I find there can be] a lot more bi-phobia sometimes and a lot more people who are staunchly against ENM, but there’s also a lot more people who practice ENM. There’s a higher volume of users.” —Gabrielle, 28, New York
• “The number and types of filters you can set on OkCupid is super helpful because I can adjust settings so that I only see folks who are non-monogamous or are open to non-monogamy, which is a feature none of the other major apps seem to offer.” —Michelle, 27, Oregon
• “I felt that connections through Tinder and Hinge bred insecurity and performative detachment, whereas people on Feeld have an appetite for exploration and at the same time take a people-caring approach to their connections, which fosters a sense of openness and security in the ethically non-monogamous space.” —Kana, 23, New York
• “I’ve found that apps like Tinder are more likely to draw in very casual dynamics, whereas OkCupid can be casual without the high traffic of glorified unicorn hunters (which in my opinion, are super unethical). Polyamory just felt less fetishized on OkCupid.” —Hanaa, 27, North Carolina
• “I’m still active on Tinder; I like how the stakes feel low and it feels like a more casual way to just chat with people I think are cute. OkCupid makes the most sense to use for me as an ENM person. It’s so awesome to see so many other ENM folks on there, and I feel the most potential to form genuine and meaningful connections through there.” —Leah, 24, New York
• “I don’t believe Tinder is great for ENM.” —Noa, 23, Colorado

Unfortunately, there will never be a perfect dating app for all non-monogamous folks. After all, we’re not a monolith. And despite ethical non-monogamy becoming more popular, the bulk of singles are still seeking more traditional relationships. That said, it is possible to find relationships that fit your needs as an ethically non-monogamous person on “regular” dating apps. You just might have to look a little deeper.

Here’s hoping dating apps evolve to become even more ENM-friendly, because the irony lies in the fact that folks who practice non-monogamy are the ideal customers for dating apps—we keep them even after we fall in love.

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What Is Polyamory?

"Polyamory is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible, and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously," according to the Polyamory Society. "Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time."

To be polyamorous means to have open intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. People who are polyamorous can be heterosexual, lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and relationships between polyamorous people can include combinations of people of different sexual orientations.

Unlike open relationships, polyamory is characterized by emotional as well as sexual or romantic intimacy between partners. In contrast to infidelity, adultery, or extramarital sex, polyamory is consensual and disclosed to everyone involved.

Sometimes polyamorous relationships are hierarchical (one relationship takes priority over others) and sometimes they are equal. In a hierarchical scenario, a person may have a primary as well as secondary partners:

• Primary: A primary partner is at the top of the hierarchical structure; this person may be the person with whom you live, have kids with, or even marry. A primary partner is not necessary for polyamorous relationships.
• Secondary: Secondary partner(s) may not be as intertwined in your life as a primary partner; for example, you may not share housing or finances but you may still be fully committed to each other.

The defining aspects of polyamorous relationships over other nonmonogamous relationship types are consent and communication.

What Polyamory Is Not

While the boundaries in polygamous relationships are quite different from those for monogamous relationships, they still exist.

People in polyamorous relationships may or may not be married, although people who identify as polyamorous may reject the restrictions of the social convention of marriage, and particularly, the limitation to one partner.

Nor should it be confused with "swinging" or "spouse swapping" in which couples in established one-on-one relationships have casual sexual encounters with people in other couples.

Polyamory is also not the same as an "open" relationship, which involves a committed couple agreeing that one or both partners are permitted to have sex with other people, without necessarily sharing information on the other partners. However, polyamorous couples may also have open relationships.

"Consensual nonmonogamy" is an umbrella term that psychologists use to describe swinging, open relationships, and polyamory. Research suggests that more than 20% of Americans have participated in a consensual, nonmonogamous relationship at some point in their lives.

Types of Polyamorous Relationships

Unlike monogamous relationships, which by definition are limited to one partner, polyamory comes in many forms and may change over time based on the individuals involved.

While many polyamorous relationships are characterized by a couple who openly and consensually pursues independent or joint relationships outside of their primary relationship, others practice polyamory by having multiple independent, separate relationships, or even relationships between three or more people.

Triad

Also known as a “throuple,” a triad refers to a relationship with three people. Not all three people need to date one another, however. One person may be dating two different people.

Quad

As the name implies, a quad refers to a relationship with four people. This type of polyamorous relationship often occurs when two polyamorous couples meet and begin dating one person from the other couple. You can also have a full quad, where all four members are romantically or sexually involved with one another.

Polycule

This term refers to a whole network of people who are romantically connected. For example, it might include you and your primary partner, your primary partner's secondary partner, your primary partner's secondary partner's primary partner, and so on.

Kitchen Table Polyamory

This term refers to a family-like network formed by people who know each other. The name comes from the fact that people in this type of polyamorous relationship gather around the kitchen table for meals.

Parallel Polyamory

Parallel polyamory refers to relationships in which you’re aware of each other’s other partners but have little no contact with those partners.

Solo Polyamory

Individuals in a solo polyamorous relationship do not intend to merge their identity or life infrastructure with their partners. For example, they don’t wish to marry or share a home or finances with any of their partners.

Tips for Avoiding Relationship Issues

The need for clear communication and boundaries among all concerned is a key feature of the polyamorous philosophy. The complexity of interrelationships between polyamorous partnerships can leave some individuals vulnerable to exploitation. However, research shows that people in consensual nonmonogamous relationships and those in monogamous ones have similar levels of psychological well-being and relationship quality.

Establish Rules and Boundaries

A big part of polyamory is ensuring that all partners are on the same page when it comes to emotional and physical boundaries, including:

• Divulging details about relationships with others
• How often to spend time with each other and other people
• Sharing your polyamorous status with others
• What's OK and not okay as far as sexual acts and safety practices

Support One Another

Just like in a monogamous relationship, it’s important to support your partners and show respect and courtesy, even if you don’t like your partner’s metamour (your partner's partner who’s not romantically or sexually involved with you).

Avoid Comparisons

Although it’s human nature, do your best to avoid the comparison game. For example, don’t go and book an extravagant trip for two just because your partner had a weekend getaway with one of their other partners.

Express Your Feelings and Needs

Jealousy is a common feeling that can come to the surface in a polyamorous relationship. Communicating these feelings, instead of letting them consume you, is key for polyamory.

In fact, a common term used in polyamory is compersion, or the feeling of joy from seeing your partner happy with another partner. This is the opposite of jealousy.

A Word From Verywell

Only you can decide whether polyamory is right for you. Having this type of relationship not only involves challenging the ideal of monogamy but examining what you expect from love and romantic partners. In the end, being honest with yourself and your partner(s) about your feelings is most important for a happy relationship.

What Is an Open Relationship?

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Once considered a more "niche" or "alternative" lifestyle, polyamory is finally breaking into mainstream cultural conversations, from Washington Post advice columns to movies, TV shows, and celebrity representation. And that's great news! It means more people are recognizing that some of us can love more than one person at once, and that the many types of polyamorous relationships are just as legitimate as monogamous ones.

It’s estimated that 4 to 5% of people living in the United States are polyamorous—roughly 17 million people in the U.S. However, those numbers will likely increase, as a 2016 YouGov study found that only half of millennials (defined as people under 30 at the time) want a “completely monogamous” relationship.

Despite more visibility around polyamory, there’s still a lot of confusion around what exactly polyamory is, and what the different types of poly relationships are. Being polyamorous means you’re open to the idea of loving multiple people and having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously. (The term "polyamory" comes from the Greek word "poly," which means many, and the Latin word "amory," which means love.) Note that polyamory simply means you're open to the idea of loving more than one person; a person with one partner can still be polyamorous. You can even have zero partners and be polyamorous—that's called "single poly," and we talk about it shortly!

What are the different types of polyamory?

The definition of polyamory is broad, but that’s on purpose. There’s no “one way” to be poly, and there are various types of relationship structures and dynamics that fall under the wide-ranging polyamorous umbrella. So, let's break down some of the more common types of polyamory (and their associated terms).

Hierarchical Polyamory

Example: John lives with his wife, and they each have a boyfriend they see once a week.

“When someone is practicing hierarchical polyamory, there is a prioritization of partners,” explains Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, licensed psychotherapist and sex educator. Often, the language associated with hierarchical polyamory is “primary partner” and “secondary partner.” So, your primary partner may be the person you live with, share a bank account with, and are even married to. They are your first priority. Then you may have a second partner who you see less often. You don’t necessarily love your secondary partner any less; it’s more about the time and energy you give each partner. That’s partly why some people more recently have opted to use the word “nesting partner” instead of a primary partner. (Also, some people don’t like being called a secondary or even tertiary partner.)

While there are clear upsides to hierarchical polyamory, mainly the increased level of security that comes with being someone's primary partner, there are a couple of things to keep in mind if you're practicing this poly style.

“Imposed hierarchies can be toxic and even abusive in some situations if not handled carefully,” warns polyamory educator Leanne Yau. “For example, veto power, where you give your primary partner the option to force a break up between you and your other partners if they feel they are being disruptive to your connection, dislike them, or literally any other reason.” So when practicing hierarchical poly, it's necessary to have a level of individual autonomy when making your own decisions regarding your other partners.

Non-Hierarchical Polyamory

Example: John has had consistent two partners for a while, but he just hit it off with a new partner and has shifted his schedule to make more time for them.

With non-hierarchical poly, every partner is considered when it comes to making big decisions, and there isn't a ranking system the same way there is in hierarchical polyamorous dynamics; so there are no primary or secondary partners.

"It doesn’t mean you have to treat everyone equally, but rather, each relationship is allowed to grow organically without any rules imposed on it by a third-party,” Yau says. “Everyone has equal opportunity to negotiate the terms of the relationship without outside influence.”

Kitchen Table Polyamory

Example: John, his husband, and their two boyfriends occasionally go out to dinner together.

Some polyamorous folks enjoy getting to know their partner's partners (a.k.a. metamours). They want to be friends with them, and in some situations, have an independent relationship with them (platonic or sexual) that extends beyond their shared partner. This is often referred to as "kitchen table" polyamory.

“Kitchen table polyamory is the concept that everyone involved in the polycule (the group of people connected through romantic relationships) or constellation would be open to or even enjoy sitting together at the kitchen table sharing coffee or breaking bread,” Wright says. “Folks who identify with this type of polyamory want to know and be friends with their metamours.”

Parallel Polyamory

Example: John has a wife and a girlfriend, but his wife and GF have never met in person.

Now, some folks have no desire to get to know their metamour. While they don't mind their partner having another partner, it still hurts when they see them interact lovingly with another person. When that's the case, people may choose to engage in parallel polyamory, which falls on the opposite end of the spectrum as kitchen table poly. “Similar to parallel lines, this is when polyamorous relationships don’t interact,” Wright says.

FYI, parallel polyamory is different from the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that's sometimes practiced in open relationships, Yau says. In parallel polyamory arrangements, all partners are aware of the other partner(s)' existence; they just have no desire to meet or hear about one another.

Garden Party Polyamory

Example: John has a birthday dinner coming up, and his wife and girlfriend will both be in attendance.

Some folks don’t want to have a friendship with their metamour. While they’re not looking for kitchen table polyamory, they also recognize how challenging parallel polyamory can we be when you have two serious romantic partners. Enter garden party polyamory. The name comes from the idea that you all could be friendly and social at a larger garden party. So you don't mind seeing them periodically and are not looking to keep everything separate. “This is a way for all partners to be able to attend some type of important event, like birthdays, graduations, etc.,” says Zhana Vrangalova, PhD., a sex and relationship scientist who teaches an ethical non-monogamy course called Open Smarter.

Throuple

Example: John has a wife and boyfriend who are also in a romantic relationship with one another.

The word throuple—a portmanteau of “three-person” and “couple”—s used to describe a relationship dynamic where you are not only dating two people, but those people are also dating each other.

“A lot of people assume that it’s just three people in one relationship, but it’s more than that," Yau says. "In order for the throuple to be sustained long-term, the relationships between each pair within the throuple also have to be cultivated and nurtured."

You can be in an open throuple, meaning that in addition to your two partners, you have other people you’re romantically involved with, or you could be in a closed throuple, where you’re monogamous with your two partners. “There is also a four-person equivalent of this called a quad,” Yau says.

Polyfidelity

Example: John's wife and boyfriend aren't dating anyone else, nor are they seeking any other forms of sexual/romantic relationships.

A closed throuple is a good example of a polyfidelitous relationship.

As Jessica Fern defines in her book Polysecure, polyfidelity is "a romantic or sexual relationship that involves more than two people, but these people are exclusive with each other. This could include a group relationship of three or more people that is closed to any additional outside partners, or it could be a person who has more than one partner and their partners are not dating each other, but they are also closed to additional relationship."

Solo Polyamory

Example: John has multiple partners who he loves and values, but he lives alone and his biggest focus right now is on his career.

Solo polyamory is defined in two different ways by the solo polyamorous community, explains Yau. “Some people define solo polyamory as the practice of living an independent, single life while having multiple relationships.” So a solo polyamorous person may choose to live alone or with a friend instead of with a romantic partner. While they may not get married or co-parent with a romantic partner, they still form very committed relationships.

“Other people define solo polyamory as the life philosophy of prioritizing yourself and ‘being your own primary partner, and are less strict about what it looks like as a lifestyle,” she says.

Single Polyamory

Example: John is currently single, but knows that his preferred relationship dynamic is one that is polyamorous with multiple partners.

“Single polyamory is simply a person who is polyamorous but currently has no partners,” Yau says. “They may want to be hierarchical, non-hierarchical, solo, or whatever else; it is not a relationship structure in the same way that the other [terms] are, just a descriptor for a person who is polyamorous but single.”

You might be wondering why someone may identify as a single polyamorist if they’re not in any relationship. The reason is to illustrate to dates and potential future partners that you are someone who is polyamorous. If that person is looking for monogamy, you’re not going to be a fit because even as you begin to fall in love with this person, you will still date and potentially fall in love with other people.

Relationship Anarchy

Example: John has multiple partners, friends, and lovers whom he values and loves. He doesn't treat one relationship more seriously just because they're romantically/sexually involved.

Last on our list is relationship anarchy (RA), which is kinda a big "fuck you" to any relationship structure. “RA is a life philosophy that promotes the idea of no assumed hierarchy among not just your lovers, but also your friends and other people who are important to you,” Yau says. “Instead of prioritizing your one monogamous romantic partner at the top, you can customize all of your connections with people individually and build a life and support network that works best for you.”

Relationship anarchy does not automatically assume that romance is inherently more valuable, important, and life-affirming than friendships. “It also takes away all the assumptions about what you can and can’t do with certain connections. You could co-parent with your best friend, live separately from your romantic partner, and so on, as long as it works for the people involved,” Yau says.

While relationship anarchy and non-hierarchical polyamory sound similar, that is an important distinction: “Nonhierarchical polyamory is a relationship structure, whereas relationship anarchy is a life philosophy,” Yau says. “Relationship anarchy can look like whatever you want it to.”

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By Poly Philia

If you’ve been on dating apps, you’ve probably come across a polyamorous person or two. Polyamory is the practice or desire to be in multiple simultaneous loving relationships with everyone’s knowledge and consent. This unconventional relationship style is a concept that many struggle to understand and this means that many people who practise it are often met with ignorant or even offensive statements and questions. With that in mind, here’s a quick guide to some things you should avoid saying to a polyamorous person, as well as some suggestions for what you could say instead.

1. ‘Great, I wasn’t looking for anything serious anyway!’

A common assumption about polyamorous people is that they are averse to commitment. In mainstream society, commitment is often synonymous with monogamy and the idea that a couple should forsake all others to be with ‘the one’. In reality, many polyamorous people form serious, long-term relationships; in fact, they are arguably so committed that they are able to do it with more than one person. People in polyamorous relationships tend to define their commitment by the consistent love and care they show to their partners, rather than by the attractions they repress and sacrifice for others. Of course, some polyamorous people may be looking for casual romance outside of their existing partnerships, but not all of them are.

Instead, try something like this: ‘What kind of relationship are you looking for? At the moment, I am looking for something casual. Would you potentially be open to a friends with benefits dynamic?’

2. ‘So where’s my orgy invite?’

People often think that polyamory is all about sex. While sex is an integral part of how many people express love, polyamory is more about forming deeply loving, emotional connections than having wild sex parties and threesomes. Some polyamorous people are even asexual or otherwise completely disinterested in sex. And even for those who are sexual with multiple partners, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be sexual with all of them in the same room!

Instead, try something like this: ‘Group sex is one of my fantasies and it’s something I would be interested in engaging in. Would you happen to know anything about how I could experience that or is that not your thing?’

3. ‘Who’s your favourite partner?’

A lot of people can’t wrap their heads around polyamory because of the way we are taught to prioritise one person above everyone else in romantic love. Because of this, when someone has multiple partners, it is often assumed that there is one ‘real’ or ‘main’ relationship when that isn’t necessarily the case. There are many different styles of polyamory and not all of them are centred on a couple. Just like a parent does not necessarily have a favourite child, a polyamorous person can love multiple people in completely different ways. Moreover, by asking this question, you are implying that the other partners are less important, which is insulting to the person that loves them.

Instead, try something like this: ‘What style of polyamory do you practise? Do you have a primary partner or is your relationship structure more non-hierarchical?

4. ‘I’m polyamorous too…just don’t tell my partner!’

By far the most offensive thing you can say to a polyamorous person is to tell them that they are effectively cheating. Polyamorous people pride themselves on their ethical conduct and honest communication, and infidelity is the complete opposite of that. Most polyamorous people would not want to actively enable someone who is looking to have an affair, as this would involve violating the trust of their partner who is not aware of the situation. 

Instead, try something like this: ‘Don’t cheat on your partner.’

5. ‘Is one partner not enough for you?’

Suggesting that polyamorous people are asking for too much by engaging in multiple relationships is judgemental and mononormative. Polyamorous people do not practise polyamory because there is something wrong or lacking in their existing relationship. There are many couples who open up a relationship to enhance it or to embrace a new emotional connection and experience novelty and variety in their love lives. Just like you may get different things out of multiple friendships without the implication that any of them are insufficient in some way, polyamorous people get different things out of engaging with multiple partners.

Instead, try something like this: ‘I would love to hear more about what the benefits of polyamory are for you and what unique things you get from each of your partners.’

6. ‘So when are you going to settle down?’

Polyamory is not a phase for most people and it is not the same as casually dating with the eventual goal of lifelong monogamy. By asking someone when they are going to settle down, you are implying that they will eventually pick a favourite partner and be monogamous. This belittles the meaningful relationships they have in their life and also assumes that you cannot settle down with multiple people at once. There are many polyamorous people who cohabit and raise children with multiple partners. Longitudinal research suggests that having more parents around not only helps ease the burden of childcare, but also offers more sources of love and support which can be very beneficial for a child’s development.

Instead, try something like this: ‘I’m interested to know how your relationships could potentially progress. Are you looking to get married or potentially live with and have kids with one or multiple partners, or is that not something you are interested in long-term?’

Polyamory is a highly stigmatised relationship style and while there’s nothing wrong with asking questions, consider the impact and implications of what you are asking people. Be careful not to be too invasive or judgemental and temper your curiosity with respect and tact.

In 2019, the Internet will have you believe that everyone is polyamorous. Articles are published daily about couples who have sexual and romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. For Valentine’s Day this year, NPR had a segment titled, “The New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory On The Rise” and just last week, The New York Times published “Polyamory Works For Them”.

But how many people are actually polyamorous? It’s tough to gauge the numbers, but it’s currently estimated that 4 to 5 percent of people living in the United States are polyamorous—or participating in other forms of open relationships—and 20 percent of people have at least attempted some kind of open relationship at some point in their lives. Those numbers, however, are likely to increase, as a 2016 YouGov study, found that only half of millennials (defined as under 30-years-old) want a “completely monogamous” relationship.

So what exactly is polyamory? How does it differ from open relationships? And why are we seeing a rise in interest and practice? Let's break it down.

Polyamory

Polyamory simply means you’re open to the idea of both loving and having a serious romantic relationship with more than one person at a time. “Poly” comes from the Greek word meaning many, and “amory” from the Latin for love. Notice that it’s simply “open” to the idea of loving more than one person at the same time, meaning you can have just one partner, and still be polyamorous.

If this is the case, you and your partner haven’t found another person you want to call your boyfriend or girlfriend. Nevertheless, you’re not opposed to falling in love with another person. You’d also be supportive if your partner found another serious partner.

Open relationship

Lia Holmgren, a NYC-based intimacy and relationship coach, shed some light on the major difference between open and polyamorous relationships. She told Men’s Health, “In polyamorous relationships, you build relationships with other people outside your main relationship, and the purpose isn’t only sex but also emotional connection and support.” She continued, “In open relationship, you have one primary partner you have a sexual and emotional relationship with, but you are allowed to have sexual relationships with other people outside of the relationships that do not form into romantic relationships.”

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No two types of open relationships look the same. They each come with their own set of rules agreed upon by the couple. Some couples will agree that they only “play” together. Perhaps penetrative sex is off the table but other sexual activity is fair game. There are also couples who agree that they can’t have sex with the same person more than once or let casual partners spend the night. Whatever you decide is completely fine, as long as both you and your partner follow the agreed upon terms.

Ethical Non-Monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is the umbrella term for all relationship styles that aren’t strictly monogamous, including polyamory, open relationships, and all the terms to follow. The word “ethical” is thrown in there to indicate that all partners are aware of the relationship dynamic. This differentiates ENM from people who are simply liars or cheaters.

Monogamish

Coined by relationship guru Dan Savage nearly a decade ago, “monogamish” describes relationships that are, for the most part, monogamous, but allow for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). These acts of indiscretion don’t happen regularly; they typically take place when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings are meaningless, and in my own personal experience talking to couples in monogamish relationships, they usually have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy”—meaning that they don’t want to hear about whatever their partner did while out of town. This differs from most open relationships, where couples tend to share their sexual experiences to their partners (within reason).

Polyfidelity

In polyfidelitous relationships, all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending on if there are three of four people in the relationship. The easiest way to think of polyfidelity is that it’s like monogamy, only with an additional member (or two).

Relationship Anarchy

“Relationship anarchy, often abbreviated as RA, means that you can do whatever you want in your relationship, and it’s nobody else’s business,” explains Holmgren. “You and your partner(s) make up your own rules without care for what is traditionally considered right or wrong.”

Relationship anarchists are the “we don’t do labels” of the relationship community. (Yet, ironically, they need a label to make that distinction.) They actively eschew any social norms when it comes to relationships, and don’t want to categorize their relationship as being open, monogamish, or anything else (even if it technically fits into those categories).

Why are we seeing a rise in interest and practice of ethical non-monogamous relationships?

Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the members-only sex and cannabis club, New Society for Wellness (NSFW), attributes the increase in polyamory to numerous societal and cultural factors, but he focused specifically of four.

1. Many millennials grew up in broken homes or with parents in a loveless marriage.

“Former examples of love from our childhood have had an impact,” he explains. “We realize the mistakes our parents made and strive not to repeat them. We don't want to get divorced because we still have scars from our past.”

Since monogamy didn't work for many members of the previous generation, millennials are searching for other types of relationship formats.

2. Millennials are leaving organized religion.

"In line with marriage is the idea of 'sanctity' or something that should be holy in our eyes. Millennials are leaving the church in droves," Saynt says. "We're seeing the hypocrisy of religious leaders. Many are rebelling against the principles we've been raised to believe were important to reach salvation."

Since the current generation recognizes how often traditional marriages fail and don’t trust the church’s concept of marriage, “We've formed our own thinking on what love, commitment, and sex means to us, which opens the door for loving more than one person.”

3. There's an increase use of dating apps.

"Hookup culture is the norm and people now feel they have options when a relationship doesn't work out," Saynt says. "So, too, has the pool of potential partners increased. Both men and women are starting to wake up to the idea that having a single partner for life might not be as interesting as finding many people to play with.”

“This doesn't mean we don't want commitment,” he clarifies. “There's plenty of commitment in polyamorous relationships. We just don't believe that one person should be responsible for all our emotional and sexual pleasures.”

4. There's been an increase in polyamorous representation in the media.

"Over the past 20 years, we've seen an increase in stories about polyamorous people, both real and fictional. Polyamory, Big Love, Unicorn Land, Me You Her, Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, and Monogamish have all provided people with a peek into the lifestyle.” Saynt believes increased visibility has let people know that polyamory is a valid relationship style.

Whatever the factors are, there’s no question society’s interest in polyamory isn’t a passing phase. It’s here to stay, and you can expect to see even more articles discussing the various ways folks are embracing sexual and romantic relationships with multiple partners.

At least now, you’ll know exactly what they're talking about.

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I gave my current boyfriend a chance because his girlfriend seemed really cool.

They had an open relationship, I was single, and I figured that if this gorgeous woman thought he was worth her time, he’d be a good fit for me too.

By our first date they had parted ways, and he was single… ish. He identified himself as polyamorous, which wasn’t new to me.

I wasn’t polyamorous but I was used to dating several people at a time. It was my way of keeping everyone on their toes and it helped me focus on what I wanted from a relationship without compromising on my boundaries. I was less likely to ‘settle’ out of a fear I wouldn’t find anyone else, or to tolerate relationship red flags.

By the time our first date came around I was even looking forward to learning more about his perspective and comparing notes on juggling partners.

It was simple and sweet – a trip to a vegan market, a bar, chatting on the swings in a nearby playground. I didn’t think we had much in common, but we had shared ethics and politics, he was gentle and kind, and we had undeniable chemistry.

We didn’t tend to talk about other partners in the early days of dating – but we didn’t hide them either. Occasionally he’d mention a day spent with someone else, but I didn’t press for details. We spent almost all of our free time together, roaming London, eating at restaurants, having a whirlwind summer romance.

In fact, I didn’t expect my new polyamorous relationship would have an especially long future. I’ve always known I wanted marriage and children and knew that at some point I would want just one person to build a life with.

Then unfortunately, and with unexpected speed, I accidentally fell in love with him.

One month in, we were lazing around and talking when, seemingly out of nowhere, we admitted that we loved each other. By anyone’s standards this was absurdly fast but he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted, delighted, assuming this meant I was now his only partner – at least his most important partner – and that monogamy would soon follow.

This bubble of naivete burst when he mentioned his ‘other girlfriend’.

With love now on the table, I was suddenly no longer blase about who else he might be dating. I began to get territorial about the time we spent together. I watched his Instagram Stories when he was on a date, trying to catch a glimpse of who he was with and gauge how romantic the outing was. Once he took someone to comedy club I had been planning to take him to and I felt heartbroken.

I cried, wrote melancholy poetry, fretted about whether the other women he was seeing were thinner, smarter, prettier or better in bed than I was. We talked about me meeting one of his other partners, and eventually I did, but for a long time the idea of seeing him engage in any type of casual intimacy with someone else made me nauseous.

I tried to continue dating other people too but no-one held my interest. I was surprised at how many men had no issue dating me while I was in an open relationship – most assumed I was only interested in having sex, but were quickly disappointed.

Sleeping with other people felt like cheating, and jealousy from any encounter hurt us both, so it didn’t feel worth it.

I was misled into thinking there was a rulebook, one way to do polyamory correctly, and that if I asked for anything different I would be constraining my partner to a version of love that was inauthentic and incomplete for him.

I endlessly searched for testimonies from other monogamous people in a polyamorous dynamic, looking for honest accounts and success stories, trying to calculate the life span of our relationship in a way that bordered on the macabre.

But most were written from a polyamorous perspective and with the benefit of hindsight I can see how they warped my expectations.

I was misled into thinking there was a rulebook, one way to do polyamory correctly, and that if I asked for anything different I would be constraining my partner to a version of love that was inauthentic and incomplete for him – the thought horrified me.

We reached an uneasy, ever-shifting compromise. I would interrogate him about what love and commitment meant to him, where he saw us in five months (six months, five years…) and we were brutally honest about what we meant to one another.

We (re)negotiated boundaries like how often we would see each other, committed to be each other’s primary partners and told each other about other dates.

I tried to understand that it wasn’t a deficit in my character but rather that he was just built differently. When we talked about our different approaches to love, I described a finite resource – a cup of love that only has enough to nourish one person. His was a deeper pool from which he could give endlessly under the right circumstances.

I did my best, while my self-esteem slowly eroded.

We finally settled on a solution: a monthly relationship audit with a set of questions that allowed us to talk honestly about any changes in expectations or boundaries that we needed to make to keep us both – but mainly me – happy.

I knew it couldn’t last. The toll on my wellbeing was too high, and knowing that I wanted long-term monogamy was making polyamory feel like a waste of my time.

He was effusive in his love for me, letting me know he wanted a future with me no matter what. Because I loved him, I wanted him to have the future he wanted with or without me but I still did not ask for what I needed – monogamy.

Ten months into our open relationship, he did it for me: he asked me if we could be monogamous, and we still are six months later. He says this wasn’t a difficult decision in the end, as it was vastly preferable to losing me. The ease of our relationship now has stopped either of us looking back.

We have both learned a lot about what we value in a relationship. We have laughed the entire way, are constantly mindful of each other’s needs and desires and our hard-earned policy of radical and total honesty has made our transition into monogamy the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.

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From our fundamental difference in outlook, we have cobbled together a definition of love that works for us.

Dating a man who is capable of loving others as deeply as he loves you is daunting, but the time and love we spend together, we enthusiastically choose to give to each other before all others.

Loving each other is a choice we commit to anew every day, a chance that I am so thankful I took.

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