“We had participants who said they were missing school or work, or getting in trouble in classes or at work, because they kept checking the dating apps on their phones,” wrote lead author Kathryn Coduto, a doctoral student in communication at the university.

The study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships surveyed 269 undergraduate students who used one or more dating apps by asking questions to measure their loneliness and social anxiety (i.e., if they were constantly nervous around other people), as well as whether they agreed with statements such as, “I am unable to reduce the amount of time I spend on dating apps.”

Coduto found that students who fit the profile of being socially anxious preferred meeting and talking to potential love interests online rather than in person. And when that was compounded by the individual also feeling lonely, it “led to compulsive use and then negative outcomes,” she wrote.

Related:Dr. Ruth says smartphones have ruined dating

In short, either feeling lonely or feeling socially anxious didn’t lead to dating app addiction on its own, but the combination of the two traits almost always led to “significant” dating app overuse and life consequences among the subjects in this study.

Separately, one in six singles admitted in a 2017 survey from Match MTCH,  — which owns dating sites Tinder, Hinge and OkCupid — that they felt addicted to the process of looking for a date. And millennials (ages 18 to 30 in this case) spend 20 hours a week on dating apps, according to dating service Badoo.com, with men spending an average of 85 minutes a day on dating apps, while women swipe left or right for an average of 79 minutes daily.

The dating industry is worth an estimated $3 billion and Americans spend an average of $1,596 a year on dates, including dating sites, bar and restaurant tabs, as well as grooming.

Apparently it often works: a recent Consumer Reports survey found online dating has a 44% success rate, leading to a serious long-term relationship or marriage, so the method is likely to continue to draw more people.

Related:The best online dating apps

Coduto at OSU recommends that users stay aware of their dating app use to determine whether it’s interfering with other aspects of their lives, and to consider using screen time management features like these from GOOG,  and Apple AAPL,  that can restrict dating app use (or any app use, really) to certain times of the day, or certain length of time each day.

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting in a restaurant or a pub, the couple at the table next to you are blatantly on a first date going wrong and it’s becoming increasingly impossible to resist listening in with a mix of schadenfreude in the face of their awkwardness and relief it’s not you. And those of us who have been single will be no stranger to sympathetic glances from other punters as the narcissistic bore you’re sitting across from enthusiastically divulges the story of his life.

Single, married or divorced, dating seems to fascinate us all. Channel 4’s First Dates returned to our screens last week, beaming first-date voyeurism into the comfort of our sitting rooms. Everyone loves a happy ending, but if that’s not on offer then the tricky twists and turns one takes in the hope of getting there can make for pretty compulsive viewing too.

We’ve come a long way since the days when Blind Date was primetime Saturday night entertainment. The way we date has completely changed: gone are the lonely hearts columns pining for a GSOH; in has come the left/right swipe popularised by Tinder. The average age at which we settle down has steadily increased.

But one constant has been society’s Bridget Jones-style obsession with the single professional woman in her 30s. The Daily Mail has long pumped out articles tacitly chastising women for selfishly putting their careers before having babies, work-obsessed women who “wake up” in their 30s to realise they’ve neglected their personal life. Because obviously we women can only think about one thing at a time (the irony!). So far, so mansplainy.

What’s changed, though, is that a whole slew of new theories has recently emerged to explain the phenomenon of the single woman, many centred on the impact of technology on the way we form relationships. There’s the consumerist theory of dating, which posits that dating apps presenting an infinite supply of potential mates in convenient, smartphone-size profiles have devalued our attitudes towards sex and relationships. This fosters, continues the argument, a rampant hook-up culture one article in Vanity Fair helpfully labelled the “Dawn of Dating Apocalypse”.

There’s the behavioural economics gang, according to whom the problem isn’t so much that dating apps cheapen our desire for romanticism, but that they push it ever further out of reach. We now have so much choice that people endlessly cycle through their options, looking for their perfect partner in the belief they are just around the corner. They become much pickier about what they’re looking for, applying filters that allow you to select partners by the length of their little finger, whether they share your allergies and whether their Netflix list perfectly overlaps yours.

And, perhaps most depressingly, there’s the free market school of dating. In a book called Date-onomics, author Jon Birger cheerfully proclaims: “It’s not that he’s just not that into you – it’s that there’s not enough of him!” Birger pooh-poohs the idea that it’s technology that’s the culprit, arguing it’s purely a numbers game. He points to the fact that women are going to university in greater numbers than men and argues a relative undersupply of university-educated men fundamentally changes their attitudes towards dating and sex, encouraging promiscuity. It leads him to some pretty weird conclusions, such as holding up Silicon Valley, with its notoriously high male:female ratio, as the place for women to move if they’re looking to settle down. He clearly didn’t do much talking to the unsatisfied single women of Silicon Valley.

There’s much to hate in these theories: the simplistic embrace of pop economics; the tendency to over-extract from a few choice anecdotes (or, even worse, animal experiments); their one-size-fits-all denial of individual agency; the self-help-style book blurbs that promise to empower women with their fonts of all knowledge.

Health warning: my insights stem from the admittedly small sample size of the 30 or so years of dating experience collectively racked up by my friends. But, reluctant as I am to admit it, I’m coming round to the view that maybe there’s a kernel of truth in some of these theories.

I think it would be naive to dismiss the idea that technology might be changing the way we form relationships, amplifying the differences in the way men and women engage with dating. I don’t think this is anywhere near as dramatic as the dating apocalypse people would have us believe. I see little evidence of technology fundamentally changing human nature, turning virginal millennials into an army of sex-obsessed zombies.

But social media can and does nurture some very human but not always appealing tendencies. Facebook – or “Smugbook”, as one of my friends has dubbed it – fosters our latent desire to show off. Twitter indulges our weakness for an angry rant. While I certainly don’t buy the idea all men shun monogamy or every woman is looking to pin down a man, I do think it’s possible dating apps work with the grain of some men’s evolutionary instincts more than women’s.

If someone tends towards the commitment-phobic, technology can nurture and coddle that phobia. It’s perfectly possible to use dating apps to cycle through a series of short-term relationships; I have several female friends who have been on the receiving end of that. It’s not the dating armageddon some would have us believe is out there. But just because the resulting shifts in behaviour may be more subtle it does not necessarily make the effects any less profound for the way we live our lives.

Ultimately, this is just speculation. And that’s kind of the point. Sometimes, it feels like we’re living in a giant social experiment whose effects we can only hypothesise about. Will teenagers spending every waking minute on Snapchat experience long-term effects on their mental health? Will the proliferation of dating apps mean commitment-phobic men will never settle down?

Are we reaching a tipping point where the negative impacts of technology on human psychology might start to outweigh the benefits from it? Or is this just alarmist and luddite? The truth is, we’re unlikely to know for a long time yet.

Here's how to navigate the shark-infested waters of the online dating world.

Source: Smithsonian/Open Access Media

In January this year, I suffered a bicycling injury that laid me up for two months. By the time I healed, I was ready to get back out in the world and socialize ... maybe even meet a new romantic partner. "Not so fast, Buster; we've got a pandemic going on. You're now in quarantine." Huh! What?

Sure, there are many online events I could attend, but it's just not the same. How am I going to make eye-contact and flirt on a Zoom call? I haven't tried online dating in over a decade—because it always felt so awkward—but now with the lockdown, it's starting to appear attractive again.

Quarantine, physical distancing, and mask-wearing during the current COVID-19 pandemic have put a damper on socializing. The virus has limited our ability to meet new people organically, especially for those of us looking to date. Going out to bars, events, clubs, meetings, parties, and other social opportunities have nearly stopped. And loneliness is driving would-be daters back online.

Waiting to meet them is a host of hungry narcissists. According to Jean M. Twenge, and W. Keith Campbell, in their book, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, narcissism is on the rise.

Prior to the pandemic, as reported by CNBC.com, the top 15 dating apps were shrinking globally. Now dating apps are experiencing a resurgence. Dating.com reported that, in March, worldwide online dating was up 82%. And lurking out there in the online dating world are narcissists looking to feed on a new supply of victims. Here's how to protect yourself...

5 Red Flags to Look Out for While Dating Online

I had the opportunity to interview Dr. Abby Lev, a clinical psychologist and CBT Online Founder based in the San Francisco Bay area. She offered five red flags to watch out for while dating online.

Red Flag 1: Narcissists have an inflated ego and a grandiose sense of importance.

Red Flag 2: Narcissists lack empathy and will gaslight (lie to) you to keep you confused.

Red Flag 3: Narcissists hate being ignored.

Red Flag 4: Narcissists will act needy to get an emotional reaction from you.

Red Flag 5: Narcissists spend their energy trying to control you and push your buttons.

Dr. Lev told me that until you start communicating with a narcissist, it will be challenging to identify them. Once you're messaging, texting, and talking with them on the phone, the traits and characteristics of narcissism will start to appear.

Overt vs. Covert Narcissists

Dr. Lev explained how there are two types of narcissists: overt and covert. The overt narcissist is easier to spot. They are the ones who are grandiose and love to talk about themselves.

The covert narcissist will be shy, listen attentively, and ask you lots of questions. When they talk about themselves, the details will be more general than specific. She said more women tend to be covert narcissists and that the covert narcissist is more dangerous than the overt narcissist.

When I asked her to explain the danger, she replied: "A covert narcissist is harder to identify than an overt narcissist. Because their behaviors are more subtle, it’s more difficult for the person to know that they are dealing with someone who is narcissistic. Their behaviors are more introverted versus the overt narcissist who is more extroverted, making it harder to identify them.

"Both covert and overt narcissists crave admiration and a feeling of self-importance but act differently. Instead of being obvious, a covert narcissist may minimize their accomplishments to seek approval and reassurance from others.

"Some studies suggest that a covert narcissist may have less empathy than an overt narcissist. And some studies suggest that they may have more anger and hostility, but studies are inconclusive."

You'll Be Inundated by All Forms of Communication

Dr. Lev says an early sign that you're dating a narcissist, of either type, is love bombing. They will text, phone, or message you on social media often. You'll receive excessive compliments and flattery.

Another sign is that they will say things like, "I've never felt like this before." You might hear something like: "We must be soulmates." "We were meant to be together; it's fate." "You really understand me like no one else ever has before."

Once you start dating, they will say things like: "I've never done this before," or "This is the most fun I've had doing (whatever you are doing at the moment)." They will use mirroring and say they love whatever you love: type of music, movies, sports, food, and so on. A narcissist will be chameleon-like.

You Will Feel Rushed into Commitment

Dr. Lev adds, "Both types will want to move the relationship quickly." They will be very persistent. Another sign is that they will want to do something together with you that makes you dependent on them, such as buying a house or car together.

Here's an Easy Way to Test for Narcissism

Dr. Lev offers this method for finding out if someone is a narcissist: "Ask them about their exes." They will vilify their ex-partner or spouse but will not share specifics. They will be vague and say something general like, "She cheated on me." If you ask for details, they won't give you any.

The same thing will happen if you ask them about their friends; you'll get a two-dimensional description because they are really talking about themselves. Dr. Lev says that 90% of what narcissists say is projection. If they accuse you of something, then they are probably doing that.

The covert narcissist will be good with words. They are manipulative and will tell the opposite sex what they want to hear the most. Both types will use excessive flattery—especially about something you are insecure about. They want you to be addicted to them.

Dr. Lev told me that narcissists have cold empathy, which means they are good at reading people. "They know what people are feeling, but they just don't care."

She says an overt narcissist will make you feel very special, while the covert narcissist will make everything all about you. What they are doing is gathering information about you to ensnare you. They use the information they collect against you by distorting it. For example, if you show empathy to someone, the narcissist might say you are being too emotional. If you are caring and kind to someone, they'll accuse you of flirting with that person.

Narcissists Have Three Partners at Once

The most fascinating thing I learned from Dr. Lev is this: "Both types of narcissists will have three romantic partners at a time: their previous, current, and future partner." While they are dating you—and you think it's exclusive—the narcissists are keeping their options open with exes while sizing up and communicating with potential new lovers. Once they've dated someone, they think they own that person. They need a partner at all times; having a ready source of narcissistic supply is extremely important to them.

How to Recognize a Narcissist From Their Online Dating Profile

I've gathered some information on spotting narcissists online from a few life coaches who work with victims of narcissism:

Do They Seem a Little Too Sophisticated and Amazing?

Life coach Angie Atkinson, in her YouTube video How to Spot Narcissists On Dating Sites: Red Flags and Giveaways, offers a way that you can potentially identify narcissists on dating sites, "Look at their photos, their photos are going to be very telling because not only will they be beautiful and amazing, but they will also show this amazing, fun, sporty, healthy, wealthy person, who loves people, who doesn't have any fear; someone who is a lot of fun, and even a little bit down to earth, even though they are so sophisticated and amazing. They'll prove this by having at least one photo where they're kind of making a funny face, or sticking their tongue out, or crossing their eyes, but of course, that one will also be beautiful and incredibly posed."

Look for Snobbery and Pretentiousness

Life coach Julie Melilo, in her YouTube video Spot Narcs Online! Tiny Red Flags of Narcissism on Dating Apps, suggests, "Look for a cluster of narcissistic signs. You want to look for a cluster of things, not just one." As an example, she says, "Narcissists love to put everything down. They will divide everything into Winner/Loser, Black/White, and then they devalue the loser." She also notes that they constantly tell you one thing is better than the other. They will use the word, "good" as in, I only drink good wine, go to good restaurants, or listen to good music. To the narcissist, it's all about: "I'm up here; you're down there." "I'm a winner; you're a loser."

Playgrounds and Candy Stores for Narcs

Life coach Lisa Romano, in her YouTube videoSIGNS You're Dealing With A NARCISSIST When DATING Online (Narcissist Red Flags), warns, "Narcissists are hard to spot in person. They are even harder to spot online." She adds, "Dating apps are candy stores for narcissistic personalities." And, "Online dating apps are playgrounds for narcissists because there are so many options."

I'm fascinated by this topic because, with my codependentpersonality, I've been a narcissist magnet for most of my dating life. As I consider re-entering the dating market, I know I need to be on my guard. If you are starting to date again during this pandemic, I hope this post helps you navigate the shark-infested waters of the online dating world.

Robert Evans Wilson is an innovation/change speaker, author, and consultant.

How would our lives be different without social media? When our phones are often the first and last thing we see every day, it's common to wonder how social media affects every part of our lives, including our relationships. While social media has its benefits—staying in touch with those we love, getting fresh wedding inspiration, networking, or meeting new friends—our lives online can affect our realities offline. It can even become concerning when one partner's time on the internet starts to change the dynamic of a relationship.

Romantic bonds can begin through social media, but they can also be damaged by it. Whether it's a "like" on a photo or one person is talking to other people, it's easy to become jealous of our partner's experiences online. But what happens when the problem isn't caused by who we talk to, but the fact that we're using social media at all? If you've ever felt like you're competing with your partner's phone for their attention, you're not alone. The time we dedicate to our screens can change how we approach our partners in real life. We asked expert and author Leslie Shore to explain how to know when the internet is becoming a problem.

Below, read on to learn how social media affects relationships.

Consider the Time You Spend Online

Shore explains that the time we spend on social media can affect our ability to communicate with those we care about. "Research shows that, on average, we spend two or more hours a day on social media," Shore says. She warns that fostering relationships online can hurt our relationships offline. "Those who have limited experience in reading people do not have the same level of social intelligence [that] previous generations possess. If this becomes the new normal, building strong, deep relationships will take more time and will be more difficult to maintain."

When we're constantly tied to our phones scrolling through Instagram, reading the news, or checking emails, we have to learn to balance this time with being offline. It's especially important to ensure we don't neglect our loved ones in favor of screen time.

"The holds our devices have on us is invisible until someone actively calls [it] to our attention," says Shore, noting that we often pay more mind to our phones than those we're spending time with. "It is almost impossible to create or enhance relationships when social media is, in the first place, taking our time and attention away from who is in front of us."

So how do we keep our relationships strong in the age of the internet? Shore has some advice on how to keep social media from becoming a barrier.

Be Extra Careful in Early Relationship Stages

While the overuse of social media at any stage of a relationship can have negative effects, Shore explains that it's worse in the early stages.

"At the beginning of a relationship, we attend to the other person because we want to get to know them," she says. "We listen to their likes and dislikes, history, family dynamics, dreams, and fears. We spend hours in conversation discovering each other; no fact too small, no story too long. The building of the relationship has newness and surprises. During this time, it is critical that cellphones are out of sight while in conversation to ensure total concentration on [each] other."

Shore also warns about the dangers of messages getting misconstrued via text, especially when you're still getting to know each other: "Texting between each other should be positive and factual," she says. "Do not allow jokes or sarcasm to creep in, as they don’t translate well and create a rift instantaneously."

If you're feeling a disconnect when you talk to your partner online or through texts, it might be best to focus on interacting in person (or try phone calls when you can't get together).

How to Announce Your Engagement on Social Media

Think Twice Before Commenting and Posting

While bonding over internet jokes or posts can strengthen your connection, your partner's social media content might also become a concern. Have they posted something you disagree with, or do they share a different side of their personality online? Before confronting them, think about how the conversation would go in person—it might be best to wait until you see them again to bring up anything you're uncomfortable with. Shore advocates for the need to be mindful of our partners when interacting on social media.

"Don't respond to a post or comment out of emotion," she says. "Take time to process what you have read or seen, and allow yourself time to reflect on your thoughts before commenting out of anger or frustration. Remember that everyone is entitled to their own opinions."

In the same vein, while you may be tempted to share all aspects of your life on Instagram or Facebook, remember that your partner may not feel the same way. If it's something you wouldn't overshare with your neighbors, colleagues, and extended acquaintances in real life, it probably shouldn't be on social media either. "Keep your personal conversations personal," Shore says. "There is no need to take your private life public. Posting about your partner’s choice of a birthday present for you or gossiping about your S.O. are communications best left out of the public eye."

Always Keep Your Loved Ones First in Mind

While there are always risks involved when navigating social media and relationships, there are also ways to ensure that your communication stays strong. Shore explains that focusing on your real lives together—rather than interacting mostly online—is important to create a solid foundation to build your relationship on.

"Stay truly connected to those who matter," she says. "Don't wish your family a happy birthday on Facebook—pick up the phone or make the trip to see them. Instead of sending invites, thank you cards, and holiday cards online, send your loved ones something they can keep forever."

As your social media network grows, Shore also recommends being mindful of other people's beliefs and values. "Remember who your friends are," she says. "Before sharing your thoughts on politics or religion or posting something provocative or controversial, keep in mind who your audience is. Is it worth creating tension with your family, friends, or co-workers?"

However you approach your life on the internet, be mindful to think about your relationships in person before online. That's not to say you need to put your phone down entirely, so there's no need to delete your favorite apps. Social media can be exciting, fun, and a great way to relax (or keep up with friends from afar).

Find your healthy balance between both sides of the screen. When having fun online blends seamlessly with your relationships in real life, you'll discover that great new experiences can come from enjoying them both together.

Can Social Media Ruin Relationships?

Brides takes every opportunity to use high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial guidelines to learn more about how we keep our content accurate, reliable and trustworthy.

¹   Technically, I am a post-millennial, but let’s ignore that. I believe I am exempted by my affinity towards avocado toast. I am also perfectly capable of functioning for a time period up to but not exceeding 5 minutes without my iPhone, so Generation Z has formally disowned me.

² Bryan, Chloe, “RIP: Here are 70 things millennials have killed,” Mashable, 2017, bit.ly/2PLidiQ

³ Maze, Jonathan, “Hooters is Up for Sale,” Restaurant Business, 2018, bit.ly/2PKyR1T

⁴ Schlossenberg, Mallory, “Millennials are killing the golf industry,” Business Insider, 2016, read.bi/2GnYG8y

⁵ Steverman, Ben, “Young Americans Are Killing Marriage,” Bloomberg, 2017, bloom.bg/2nzM935

⁶ “Study Finds Fewer Millennials Want To Live,” The Onion, 2017, bit.ly/2CSrH5L

⁷ MacIntyre, Ian, “Millennials are killing the Millennial-Killing industry,” The Beaverton, 2017, bit.ly/2SZEOKz

⁸ Cumberledge, Heather, “The pursuit of romance in a loveless generation,” The State Press, 2017, bit.ly/2PHAVI5

⁹ Beaton, Caroline, “Why Millennials Are Failing to Shack Up,” Psychology Today, 2015, bit.ly/2CIUfXO

¹⁰ Julian, Kate, “Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex?”, The Atlantic, 2018, bit.ly/2DidbYy

¹¹ Morby, Marisa, “Can Millennials Have Great Romantic Relationships?”, Huffington Post, 2017, bit.ly/2EDS702

¹² Bleznak, Emma, “How Millennials Are Killing Off the Concept of Marriage,” Health & Fitness Cheat Sheet, 2018, bit.ly/2A3hULi

¹³ Bromwich, Jonah Engel, “Tinder and Bumble Are Hungry for Your Love,” The New York Times, 2018, nyti.ms/2QCkBh4

¹⁴ Hooks, Bell, All About Love, 2000

¹⁵ McGowan, Todd, Capitalism and Desire, 2016