We all recognise the popular image of submissive men who worship women and get off on being dominated.

I wrote about it recently and had many positive responses from people saying they totally understood the motives. So why is it that submissive women are often perceived very differently?

When I spoke of my intention to write an article about submissive women, I was surprised by the negative reaction.

‘But why would a woman want to be dominated’, some people said. ‘What’s the point of feminism if women allow men to order them around in the bedroom?’

This response is perhaps understandable on the surface, but it misses the point. Sexual kinks and fetishes do not (usually) translate from the bedroom to the outside world, let alone to the boardroom.

Surely the very point of equality is acknowledging that women can have the same desires as men? And the fact that so many women hold positions of power these days makes it more likely that some of them will get off on the act of occasionally handing over that power in the most intimate ways imaginable.

Surely everyone should be free to indulge their kinks without shame or judgment, regardless of gender? I spoke to women who are happy being sexually submissive and asked them what they get out of it.

Abbi

‘I have heard every lame comment, including the suggestion that most women’s submission is just laziness and an unwillingness to be active in sex. Sex is the only situation in which I would be at all overly compliant.

‘I work in a high visibility job with enormous pressure and a lot of autonomy – I like to think I’m nice but apparently I’m intimidating.

‘Yes, life’s stressful and I am a single girl – I pay all my own bills and there’s no one looking after me in any sense. But in bed I want to be looked after.

‘I don’t want to make the decisions, I don’t want the responsibility. I am tired of taking care of everyone (I come from a large family) and in the bedroom I want to surrender, knowing that if I do as I’m told, I’ll get looked after – I’ll be given what I want.

‘I need a partner to prove to me that they can dominate me and are worthy of my submission.

‘I’m claustrophobic and can’t be tied up, so any control has to be implicit rather than literal. I need someone to be able to restrain me with just a calm word or a glance.

‘And I will test this. ‘Bratty’ is the term, I think? I won’t comply the first time someone asks me to do something. I won’t just say whatever I’m being told to say, but a good and capable partner will be able to make me say it.

‘As a kid I abhorred being called a good girl – even as a child it seemed patronising. So it came as a shock that it turned me on when someone said it to me during sex – it was a real juxtaposition of hating something and being turned on by it.

‘Another example – at the end of a night out with my favourite beau during which he had tormented me with his hand up my dress when no one could see, my tolerance for any more teasing was very low.

‘I outright asked him to just make me come and he said, quietly and menacingly, ‘don’t you ever presume to tell me how to f**k you’. Sounds terrible, right?

‘But it worked, because I trust him and knew he was taking a gamble on it being something I would like. I cannot imagine anyone speaking to me like that in any other setting.

‘For me, submission is about care. I want to let go and know that my needs will be met.

‘I wouldn’t be at all satisfied with someone dominating me, telling me to do things and then not making me come. It’s not all one sided.’

What interested me was how a couple who were happily equal in their relationship could balance this against having a sub/dom relationship in the bedroom – surely it would impact on how they felt about each other the rest of the time? Lucy disagrees.

Lucy

‘I am submissive in the bedroom, but in no way do I suffer from lack of self esteem in everyday life.

‘We don’t do it every time we have sex, we tend to make special dates – just as other couples may make a dinner date – which heightens the anticipation leading up to it.

‘I enjoy the abandonment of being ‘used and abused’ but we make sure we both enjoy the experience.

It can be a release from everyday stresses, but I think it goes deeper than that.

‘As a child I was raised to believe that only ‘sluts’ enjoy sex – being tied up is a way to avoid the guilt that has been ingrained from a young age.

‘You have to be strong and very trusting to be a sub. We find that it increases our connection as a couple as we share a fetish that we both enjoy immensely.

‘My body always gives away that I’m enjoying the experience – Matt would immediately stop if he knew things were going too far. And we communicate a lot during sessions, which improves our relationship as well as our sex life.

‘I enjoy a certain amount of pain, but Matt always checks he’s not being too rough – in fact he’s more cautious than I am.

‘I don’t feel diminished or lesser because of it, in fact it’s quite empowering being a sub – it makes me feel very sexy and turned on.

‘It’s something we share that nobody else is aware of, which makes it feel naughty in a very good way.

‘I don’t feel inferior at all, as what we do in the bedroom in no way reflects who we are in everyday life. I am a feminist and sub/dom play in no way impacts on that.’

The male point of view

Matt explained to me how being sexually dominant over his wife doesn’t mean he lacks respect for her – in fact in his opinion it has quite the opposite effect.

‘Before meeting Lucy I had no real idea I was a Dom. When we met I asked what she liked in the bedroom and her reply is etched into my memory – ‘I like to be a bit submissive’.

‘The biggest understatement of the century. I took me a while to get my head round it all and it involved much talking.

‘Being Dom, anything I want is on the menu (unless we’ve agreed no to certain things – the list is short on that one) so it’s like being a kid in a sweetie shop.

‘It turns me on to know that whatever I choose to do to her is not only OK, it turns her on the more I make her do it.

‘The most important thing is using the sub’s surrender to turn her on. You know you can inject an extra dimension by mixing the pleasures, ad-libbing so she doesn’t quite know whats coming.

‘Feeling her body respond to what you are doing makes you feel powerful, so long as the response is positive.

‘There’s total love and trust between us – we can communicate our desires without fear of judgement. It increases the level of respect we have for each other as we’ve laid ourselves bare emotionally and sexually and accepted who each of us is with only encouragement, no judgement.

More: Lifestyle

‘Lucy is always in command. We use a traffic light system of safe words – ‘red’ is stop, ‘amber’ is close to a limit, ‘green’ means oh my god keep going. And it’s that that makes it such a turn on.

‘I’m being allowed to do all these things with her consent. The sub/dom relationship is for the bedroom – in normal life we treat each other as a loving respectful couple.’

The last word goes to Honey, who likens her love of submission to a great white knuckle ride.

Honey

‘There is definitely no part of my submission that is about me being inferior. In fact, I think it’s because I am a thrill seeker that submission works for me.

‘I love the rush of endorphins. I love the way that for a little while, I don’t have to analyse and make the decisions. I love being able to enjoy the sensations and the experiences.

‘It’s like a roller coaster ride – if I was in charge of the ride, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it in the same way that the passengers do.’

*Some names have been changed. Comments have been edited for clarity.

MORE : BDSM for beginners – a former dominatrix guides you and your partner through S&M

MORE : Human pups: Everything you need to know about the fetish for dressing up in latex puppy suits