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Men’s Top 14 Insecurities of All Time, According to Experts
Men have plenty of insecurities — but good luck getting them to talk about it, insecure dating good looking guys. Men who own up to their insecurities often feel as though being vulnerable is akin to admitting inadequacy. So they suffer in silence. “Men feel insecure about being seen as less-than,” marriage and family therapist Hanalei Vierra says, insecure dating good looking guys. “Less than strong enough, less than smart enough, less than sexy enough, less than good-looking enough, less than funny enough, less than competent enough.” Fatherly asked Vierra and other experts to weigh in on what men are most insecure about, and how they can learn to cope with these fears and address them head-on.
Developing Breasts
Gynecomastia, pejoratively known as man boobs, is a condition in which men develop breasts as a result of imbalances in estrogen and testosterone. It’s very common among boys during puberty, and among men 50 and older, but it is especially distressing for men under 40, according to New York–based plastic surgeon Dr. Joshua Zuckerman.
Zuckerman has noticed that many men who finally come to see him have attempted to hide this on their own for years, because they were embarrassed to get help. “I do think there is an issue with men being able to express their feelings about body insecurities, and many times a male patient will not consider treatment for many years.”
Having Old, Baggy Eyes
Many men visit a cosmetic surgeon because they’re worried about their baggy eyes making them look old, insecure dating good looking guys. This is especially true for men over 40 who have endured some sun damage. And since few men wear sunscreen on a regular basis, this amounts to a lot of people. Ironically, men don’t have the same mental baggage about their eye baggage as they do about breast growth.
“I think there is less shame around this procedure,” Zuckerman says.
Losing Their Hair
Hair loss is quite common among men as young as 30, and some embrace it better than others. Despite evidence that some women may be more attracted to bald men, “many men have a real association of baldness with being less attractive, less masculine, and appearing older,” Zuckerman explains. “I personally suffer from partial baldness as well, and I think it is difficult to convince the majority of men that the completely bald, shaved look is attractive.”
Being a Waif of a Man
In general, men have a lot of body image issues women can relate to. They’re inundated with unattainable images of what men’s bodies are supposed to look like. But the biggest difference with men is that they worry about being underweight, too.“Men usually worry about their stomach or abs, just like women, but they can also have insecurities about being insecure dating good looking guys Katie Leikam says.
Where They Are in Their Careers
“Men can be insecure about where they are in their career, based on their age,” Leikam explains. Although money is an important part of this, earning potential is connected to broader anxieties about living up to social standards of being a man. And the more insecure men become, the more they tend to compare themselves to other men, which tend to make them feel worse. It’s a vicious cycle and a terrible way to keep score. “Older men could wonder why they aren’t as far along in their careers as their peers are. Men can benefit from understanding that they are still successful in their own way and are striving to be where they need to be.”
How Tall They Are
Shorter men may be concerned about their height, because they fear that they are unattractive to women, or are taken less seriously by their peers. However, very tall men have insecurities too, such as feeling uncomfortable in small places or awkward around average-size people — and occasionally having to explain that they’re not good at, or even interested in, basketball.
“Men who are shorter may naturally surround themselves with friends around their same height. This builds a sense of normalcy,” marriage and family therapist Katie Ziskind told Fatherly. “Men who are taller, above 6 foot, can be more self-conscious because many men and most women are always shorter than them. They can feel like an oddball.”
How Big Their Insecure dating good looking guys Are
“Men are very insecure about penis size,” Ziskind says. This despite the fact that studies show that women actually prefer smaller men for long-term partners, potentially due to fear of pain insecure dating good looking guys intercourse. Still, men can hang on to negative feedback about size from past partners, or even peers in the locker room growing up, for most of their lives. “Men take insults about their penis size to heart. Comments about penis size can linger negatively with a man for decades.”
Whether They’re Circumcised facebook dating app on desktop Uncircumcised
It’s not only size that matters to men, but how their penises look. And when it comes to circumcision, men are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Ziskind has seen insecure uncircumcised men want surgery as adults about as often as she’s seen men who were circumcised as infants and are upset about it.
If Their Penises Even Work
As much as men may worry about their penis size and appearance, the way it works may matter most, therapist William Schroeder says. Erectile dysfunction affects over 50 percent of men, but Schroeder has found that the prognosis is best for men who can discuss this with their partners. Men who cannot communicate about this insecurity risk getting caught in a negative feedback loop where they’re even less likely to be able to perform sexually, over time.
“Erectile dysfunction is a perfect example of something that can be very anxiety producing if not dealt with in a direct waves dating app open way,” he warns. “Conversely, if men discuss sex, insecure dating good looking guys, then it can make it into something with very clear expectations and understanding on both sides. That vulnerability can be very endearing to a mate.”
Having (and Showing) Emotions
“Men are often insecure dating good looking guys to tough out their emotions and are shamed for showing them,” Schroeder says, noting that because boys are taught this from such a young age, many insecurities men struggle with their entire live start there. “The result insecure dating good looking guys being this way causes men to wall off anything that feels vulnerable and thus, insecure.”
If They’ve Made the Wrong Choices
It’s not just a cliché or a television trope: the man who refuses to stop and ask for directions. Most men struggle with admitting they might be wrong. “Men suffer from denial and inability to share that they are imperfect and that the choices they have made were sometimes guesses or the easier of the choices,” addiction counselor and trauma specialist Stephen Cohen Henriques explains. “Being vulnerable is to admit and own that they do not know everything, and that can be crushing when families rely on them for so much.”
Whether or Not They’re Good Husbands
Much like being stable providers, being a good partner is an important facet of being a good man. A stagnant or unhappy marriage can take a tremendous toll on a man’s self-worth over time, especially when he’s unable to communicate this to his spouse. When this happens, resentments tend to build and relationships get more distant, Vierra says.
“Marital misery shows up in my office quite often in the form of a husband’s attempt to compensate for his lack of feeling ‘good enough’ by being a workaholic.”
If They’re Good Dads
Vierra in not just a therapist who sees this insecurity in his patients, he’s a father who’s felt it first-hand with his daughter for the past 18 years. “My fears of not being involved enough, or not being tough enough, or not being wise enough, or loving enough, or fun enough, or protective enough toward her have rarely subsided since she was born,” he says. Vierra’s professional insight makes it easier for him to recognize that many of these anxieties stemmed from insecurities he had his entire life, insecure dating good looking guys he acknowledges that all men are capable of that. The best thing insecure dads can do is be vulnerable enough to model healthy ways to cope.
Having Insecurities at All
One of the main reason so man men carry all these insecurities for most of their lives is because they’re taught that they’re weak for admitting they have them at all, experts agree across the board. Instead of verbalizing their shared sources of shame and realizing they’re not alone, men double-down, insecure dating good looking guys, and hang on to bad feelings about themselves for as long as they can.
“Men have been trained and socialized to avoid and ignore knowing their insecurities, which is one of the reasons they are less verbal than women about their insecurities,” Vierra says. “This insecure dating good looking guys in less being known and understood about them.”
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Case in point: A couple years ago, I dated a writer whose work I really admired—he was kind and intelligent, insecure dating good looking guys, we got along wonderfully, and the sex was good, too. However, he was bald and a little shorter than me, and ultimately just not that hot. It never bothered me when we were alone, but as things got more serious, I began to feel nervous about introducing him to my friends. I hated myself for having such superficial impulses, but I couldn’t help it: I want to be able to show my partners off to the world for both what they do and how they look. And I expect the same from my friends. In the past, when a friend has introduced me to a new partner who’s superhot, but clearly an idiot, I’ve judged them for it. On the other hand, whenever a girlfriend of mine starts dating a middling, out-of-shape guy, all I can think is: This isn’t feminism.
Popular culture tells us that it’s normal for average-looking or even unattractive men to date beautiful women, as long as the men are successful—the trollish tycoon with the supermodel wife is a classic archetype—but that the reverse is somehow remarkable. Insecure dating good looking guys sociology, this is called the “beauty-status exchange”—an attractive person pairs with a wealthy or powerful person, and both win. And usually, this exchange is heavily gendered.
But according to new research by University of Notre Dame sociologist Elizabeth McClintock, despite outliers like Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall, in the practical world, this very rarely happens. The study, “Beauty and Status: The Illusion of Exchange in Partner Selection?,” finds that people are ultimately looking for compatibility and companionship; that men and women are actually equally shallow in terms of beauty and status. Well-educated people want to date other well-educated people, and the beautiful are drawn to their beautiful counterparts. In other words, before we make claims that women use their beauty to “marry up” in terms of economic status, we have to take into account our country’s 70-percent wage gap, according to McClintock. Women tend to marry men who make more money than them, whether they’re beautiful or not.
As for Millie, after years of dating models, she eventually had to cut herself off. “When I was younger, insecure dating good looking guys, I could see a photograph of a guy and fall in love with him,” she said. “But now, even when I find someone extremely attractive, I’m indifferent to act on it unless I’m also attracted to them intellectually and emotionally—they have to still be hot when they open their mouth, basically. As I get older, I naturally want to be with someone who can do more than look pretty in a picture.”
It makes sense, insecure dating good looking guys. As we grow up and become more dynamic, intelligent people, we expect the same from our partners. That’s not to say that beauty doesn’t matter—sexual attraction in a romantic relationship is clearly vital. But if a superficial quality is the focal point of your relationship, or the source of what binds, that’s a bad sign. Insecure dating good looking guys I’m ever feeling particularly superficial, I just think of this quote from Andy Warhol, which pretty perfectly sums up my idea of beauty: “I really don't care that much about ‘Beauties.’ What I really like are Talkers. To me, good talkers are beautiful because good talk is what I love. . Talkers are doing something. Beauties are being something. Which isn't necessarily bad, it's just that I don't know what it is they're being. It's more fun to be with people who are doing things.”
Karley Sciortino writes the blog Slutever.
Hair: Casey Geren; Makeup: Yumi
I’m pretty sure that when insecure dating good looking guys set out to start dating, you didn’t intend to date insecure men. But the reality is that’s exactly what ends up happening, and most times, without you even realizing it.
Insecure men are actually quite adept at attracting the perfect “victim.” And much of this goes back to the theory of the Law of Attraction which states that “like attracts like.” In otherwords, similar energies are, by nature, naturally attracted and drawn to one another. Which means that your insecurities, can actually be drawing insecure men back towards you.
An insecure man needs constant reassurance and validation of himself as a man, and his ideal woman is also insecure and feels “unworthy” of love and therefore, is eagerly willing to constantly sacrifice herself and her needs, thus directing all of her energy towards being his biggest “cheerleader” in life, and completely losing herself and her own identity in the process.
The Negative Cycle of Co-Dependency
This exchange of energy leads to a co-dependent relationship in that, he’s dependent on receiving the constant reassurance and support he needs from others (her) to keep himself feeling like a man, and she’s dependent on receiving the validation she needs to feel “worthy” as a woman by constantly proving herself “useful” to him.
But there’s a problem. This is one-sided and not equal. The man is “receiving” on a constant basis, while the woman is “giving” on a constant basis. (And for any men reading here, this piece is obviously geared towards women. But understand that much of this works both insecure dating good looking guys and the roles can actually be reversed.)
It becomes a feeding frenzy of negativity. A theme of “reassurance and acceptance” starts to play out. He needs to feel reassured and validated as a man, and she needs to feel accepted and worthy as a woman.
Are You the Perfect Victim?
Insecure insecure dating good looking guys generally tend to seek out women who are an empty vessel. Meaning, similar to a blank slate, much like a brand new computer on the assembly line that’s just been pieced together, with an empty hard drive that’s ready to be programmed. Insecure men do not want to be challenged or questioned and they will eventually flee from strong women who are able to assert themselves. (Hint, hint ladies – “the disappearing man.”)
Insecure men prefer a mild woman who will worship them, not question them, not challenge them, and instead bend over backwards to please them. They prefer a woman who is very pliable and one who makes herself available all the time, forcing her to place her own life aside. (One of the reasons why very young, naïve women are highly sought after by men. It’s not always about sex.) Having that type of a woman makes an insecure man feel good about himself and more like a man.
Insecure men are an emotional wreck internally and to hide that from the rest of the world, they actually become very adept at overcompensating by creating a very refined external image that makes others believe insecure dating good looking guys actually very successful in life.
What an Insecure Man Looks Like
Insecure Men Tend to be Loud, Boisterous Frat Boy Types
Insecure men are the guys that are the loudest in the room, the guys that are the life of the party. They are the guys that brag a lot about the successes they’ve had (20 years ago as a high school football player). They are the guys that, when challenged by other men verbally for their offensive behavior, either run away or throw a punch instead of providing a smart intellectual rebuttal (because they have no good excuse for their behavior). These types are usually found wearing Affliction Clothing line tees and True Religion jeans with heavy white stitching, sporting a few tattoos, dig Us womens soccer player dating nfl player, have a close buzz cut on the sides, treat dating like a sport and have dined on a plethora of steroids. (This explains why they’re always exhibiting hostility and are usually “top insecure dating good looking guys with giant arms and a big upper body that is online dating for hikers on skinny legs).
Insecure Men Tend to be all Talk and No Action
Insecure men are the guys who are all talk and no action. The ones who have a tendency to constantly “school” others in a “know it all” fashion in an attempt to fool them into believing they have valuable knowledge to share with the world - while they produce no actual viable results whatsoever.
Insecure Men Tend to Exaggerate Stories
Insecure men are the guys at the bar telling exaggerated stories of sexual conquests with the ladies, yet are never actually spotted with a living, breathing one by their side. Insecure guys tend to have a long, long line of “crazy” exes in their past (not just one or two who truly may have been emotionally off balance), yet fail to realize the women weren’t all crazy and instead, were simply women who called him on his crap all the time.
Insecure Men Tend to Exhibit Offensive, Obnoxious Behavior – Towards Everyone
Insecure men are the guys that are quick to point out the flaws in others. They are the guys that drop small “negs”(negative comments) all the time directed at those around them, in order to bring insecurities in others to the surface, so as to misdirect anyone from noticing their own flaws and insecurities.
Insecure Men Market Themselves Well
They are the guys that have learned to “sell” themselves quite well on latin dating app surface, when in reality, they have no job, no car, are skipping out on child support payments and financial debts and are living in their parents basement.
Insecure Men Are Narcissistic Attention Whores
Insecure men are the guys that go around approaching women in nightclubs that are complete strangers and asking to take a selfie with them, and then publishing these photos to social media sites, thereby making them look like they’re in demand with the opposite sex. Their Facebook page is a constant stream of party boy selfies with the occasional self-deprecating post geared towards garnering a ton of compliments for themselves. As a matter of fact, I saw one recently that read, “I’m going to quit being such a man whore and start looking for a good woman.” (As if good women are going to jump at the chance to be with an old man whore.) And to my surprise, that comment garnered a lot of “Awe, you’re not that bad of a guy” responses from women. (Clue: If he’s telling you he’s a man whore – then that’s exactly what he is.)
Insecure Men Can Tend to Look Like the Asian girl dating website That Ate the Canary
Can you say “smug?” Yea, insecure men create the impression that they’re very self-assured.
If you’re looking at a guy and he’s constantly sporting a “Billy Idol Smile” or a silly Cheshire Grin, and you get the feeling he knows something you don’t know – guess what?
He DOES know something you don’t know. .he knows that you’re the canary and he’s about to swallow you whole.
Insecure Men Pull Stunts to Create False Appearances
They are the guys that, when on a date with them, leave their phone out on the table and are all too proud to openly inform you (and constantly remind you) that women all over the place are chasing them down. Yet they fail to mention that all the texts and calls they’re receiving are actually responses to the lame “hey” text they sent to every single woman in their Facebook account and on their phone insecure dating good looking guys minutes before meeting up with you - so they can receive all these responses in front of you, thereby creating the impression that they’re in demand with the opposite sex.
Insecure Men Are Lazy, Lack Ambition and Seek a Free Ride – Single Mothers Beware
Insecure men are completely okay with riding someone else’s coat tails to the top, namely a woman’s. If there’s not a financially eligible woman to latch onto, they’re usually okay with a mediocre “status quo” for themselves (such as living in their parent’s basement). And when I say financially eligible woman, I’m not talking about a woman earning $100k a year. A lot of times, a single mother receiving financial assistance, child support and food stamps insecure dating good looking guys fall victim to an insecure man because she’s got a home, food on the table, a reliable income stream, and an already existing living situation that the man simply slides right into.
Insecure Men are Flaky, Inconsistent and Full of Empty Promises
He’ll keep you floating on empty promises that he never fulfills. He’ll be like a magician who disappears and reappears at will. He’ll stand you up or cancel last minute for what he considers honest to goodness dates, which are most times actually sofa dates. And he’ll make good use of the learning theory called the random interval reward system to keep you hooked:
Insecure Men Cheat and are Opportunists in Life
The needs of insecure men are so hefty that many times, almost all the time, you’ll find that they’re also cheaters (insecurity and cheating tend to go hand in hand). Because the needs of insecure individuals are so very hefty, many times it takes more than one individual to fulfill them. Even if they weren’t outright seeking to fulfill those needs from several others, rest assured that when the opportunity presents itself - they will take the offer up. This is the reason that a lot of the cheating that occurs with insecure individuals is actually “opportunistic” in nature. When someone has cheated on you and you ask them why, insecure dating good looking guys, if you hear responses along the lines of, “I didn’t mean to hurt best free dating site for christians, it just happened” – then you know you’ve been bitten by an insecure man who took action on an opportunity that presented itself.
Insecure Men Move FAST
In the beginning, they lay it on thick and heavy, telling you everything they think you want to hear, zipping you into the bedroom and a relationship with lightning speed. (Warning: Moving too fast is a big red flag.) They’re pulling a number on you and the speed at which it takes place is mean to disorient and distract you from their real motivation – which is to use you and control you until they decide they’re done with you. They're not good at consistency though or maintaining any of this initial insecure dating good looking guys behavior, which is why it's important to make a man repeatedly prove himself to you for a consistent length of time. The flakes won't be able to keep it up and they'll soon run once they realize they'll have to work to win you over.
Insecure Men are Emotionally Unavailable and Have a Shallow Orientation
Their inner world will rarely, insecure dating good looking guys, if ever, insecure dating good looking guys, be anything you get a peek into. They’re usually immature jokesters who won’t “get real” with you and dating men in fraternities reddit not interested in hugs and kisses, long talks, affectionate caresses or fulfilling your emotional needs. Being with them feels more like having a child to take care of instead of an intimate lover who’s an equal to you. Their primary goal is to get their own needs met, much like a child, which usually has a shallow orientation focused on nothing but primal, sexual needs and survival – and nothing deeper than that.
Insecure Men are Adept at Using Guilt to Their Advantage
Insecure men are never responsible and never accountable. And if you attempt to make them become that, they are not above spinning that back onto you somehow and making you feel guilty for asking too much of them, and not accepting them for who they are and what they have to offer – which is nobody with insecure dating good looking guys to offer other than a mere presence in your life.
The Words and Actions of Insecure Men Do Not Align
Insecure men are men who say one thing – yet do something else completely different. Their words never align with their actions and in essence, they’re full of crap and constantly spewing a lot of BS at you.
The Manipulation
Insecure men (and women) are incredibly manipulative. They’re very adept at getting their negative needs fulfilled by others (because they can’t provide that for themselves). One can almost view them as the vampires of society in that they tend to suck the life out of those they’re partnered with via the hefty need for constant reassurance they have. “Maintaining “ them becomes a full time job.
An insecure man is not much of a provider, he’s more of a taker (the vampire) and contributing in any way other than his mere presence in your life hebrew roots dating sites really not going to be his thing. He may work a mediocre job for a while at your behest, but eventually he’ll have a personality clash with someone at work or he’ll get a hang nail or some other ailment that he’ll use as an excuse to get the hell outta’ there - and then he’ll blame you for the entire debacle.
That reminds me of a National Lampoon movie with Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid, who played Cousin Eddie. Cousin Eddie is an insecure guy, constantly attempting to impress Clark and overcompensate in ways that ultimately make him appear as a buffoon. When asked about his job, his wife (the ever willing cheerleader in his life) does damage control and tells people, “He’s holding out for a management position.” And then it’s pointed out that he’s been holding out - for 7 years.
The End Result of Dating an Insecure Man
Insecure men won’t lift you up – they will only ever control you and pull you down, down, down with them – to their level. You can tread water for a while, but eventually, you’ll exhaust yourself, you’ll never be able to get ahead, you will feel like a 200 pound ball and chain has been tied around your ankle that you just can’t shake, and you’ll realize that it’s either sink or swim. You’re either going to go down with them, or you’re going to have to get away from them.
And mind you, if you don’t leave them first, nine times out of ten, they will eventually leave you. .and most likely - in a lurch - and much worse off than when they met you.
After all, they are the vampires of the world and once they drain you of your life’s blood, much like a vampire, they have no use for the empty carcass that’s left behind. They are relationship insecure dating good looking guys who consider 3 and 5 month flings honest to goodness real relationships. And if they’re married, guess what? Most times, insecure dating good looking guys, they’re still conducting those 3 to 5 month flings on the side anyways, or taking up the various one time opportunities that float their way. And beauty isn’t what it’s about when insecure dating good looking guys happens, insecure dating good looking guys, it’s about their insecurity.
Ever notice how many times the “other woman” in a situation like that is always a hot mess of sorts, and you wonder why the heck the man risked a relationship with a great, beautiful woman for – a bar fly that’s akin to a doorknob who’s permitted everyone in the building to take a turn? It’s rarely the Pamela Anderson’s or Scarlett Johansson’s of the world that play that role. .it’s always some unassuming, non-descript woman that was like a scrap left on the floor for bottom feeders that leaves you shaking your head asking, “Why, why?”
The reason why is because the woman was pliable and therefore - made a insecure dating good looking guys victim - and fulfilled a shallow need at the time. Remember, insecure individuals are very “needy” (man or woman).
Loyalty is not their thing and they will start to be dismissive of you entirely (not that they were ever really that attentive to insecure dating good looking guys and your needs in the first place), eventually disposing of you when another more promising opportunity (victim) comes along. And if you have a child or children with them, it won’t matter. They’ll easily walk away from you and their own blood without pause, and in keeping with their status quo, will bail on child support, visitation, responsibility, accountability, and/or any financial debt residue left behind.
They will skip into the next relationship as if the one with you never even happened – and you will fast become one of the “crazy” exes he’s telling stories about and receiving sympathy from others over (like he once did with you). And don’t be surprised if, when telling others these stories, he begins to exaggerate it and starts to “project” onto you the very sin that he, himself, committed – cheating.
If you meet a guy who claims that every single ex (not just one or two) he’s ever had has cheated on him, you need to question why that is. He’s either an incredibly lousy, neglectful, apathetic mate – or he’s lying.
Are You Dating an Insecure Man?
In the beginning insecure men come on fast and strong, spreading compliments thick, for about the first 3 or 4 dates and professing to love you by the fifth. They talk strongly and often about a future with you very early on, too early, and tend to fast track you into the bedroom by doing so (because they know women, by nature, bond with men through physical contact).
Insecure men pick their victims well, identify their needs immediately, and then start to fulfill those needs fast – only to yank that all away from you and completely turn the tables once they’ve hooked you.
All those compliments, insecure dating good looking guys, promises, talk of future, exchanges of love and hot sex. .yea, that was the bait on the end of the hook. And once you bite, they know they have a winner and they pull back hard on the line, quickly and without warning, reeling you out of the lovely pond you were just swimming in - and onto very dry land where they will watch you eventually suffocate and die without remorse.
If you’re dating a man that’s leaving you feeling completely exhausted, totally emotionally drained, financially wiped out, incredibly neglected, insecure dating good looking guys, abused and taken advantage of, entirely confused, suspicious and constantly questioning and second guessing yourself – you, my dear, are most insecure dating good looking guys dating an insecure man.
Get rid of him – NOW.
Protect Yourself
If you want to protect yourself from falling prey to another one in the future (hey, we’ve all been there) - work on yourself. Change always starts with YOU.
Behavior that is self-destructive need no longer take place. Hookups and one night stands, settling for less than you deserve, not demanding traditional first dates where you’re treated like a lady, drinking too much, giving men who treat you poorly a second chance or the benefit of doubt, not carrying yourself with dignity, behaving desperately– no more. It’s a fallacy planted into women’s heads by society that if you smile, sacrifice yourself constantly and “do, do, do” for others like a household appliance. .you will receive love in return. So forget about that because the only thing that will get you these days is victimized and taken for granted.
Ladies, there are good men still out there, trust me on this. Yes, the “gentlemen” is nearing extinction and entering the realms of the dinosaur, however, they do still exist. And if you work on yourself and participate in things that actually build your confidence, rather than take insecure dating good looking guys in self-destructive behavior that actually chips away at it– you will find that you are no longer attracted to insecure dating good looking guys men, you will develop a radar that can see them coming a mile away, and good men will admire your strength, independence and strong will. .and will begin to enter your life.
If you’re not ready and haven’t done the work, you won’t recognize them, you’ll pass them over, you’ll experience fear and you’ll confuse the “high” of sexual attraction with real emotion and love. If you have done the work, and you know your valueand begin to understand what it is that you truly need from a man to be happy – then you can’t miss them.
If you’ve done the work, insecure men will no longer be drawn to you. Instead, they’ll sense immediately that you wouldn’t make an ideal victim - and they’ll quickly flee from you without explanation.
Seriously ladies, be thankful for all the disappearing men in your life- they actually saved you a lot of grief.
Ways To Get Past Insecurities About Your Looks
- Chris MacLeod, MSW
People who aren't happy with their social situation usually have insecurities. One area they can be unsure about is their appearance. Of course it's hardly just socially awkward types who have these kinds of doubts. Most of us have been insecure about our attractiveness at one time or another.
This longer article gives many suggestions about how you can become more confident about how you look. A topic like this needs a couple of disclaimers:
- I completely realize looks-related insecurities are a tricky, complicated issue, which can affect some people quite severely - I have no delusions that this one article is going to help everyone. If you're mildly or moderately unsure about how you look then the ideas here might help you feel better. If you've got more serious problems, like a longstanding eating disorder or body dysmorphia, the ideas below aren't going to do much compared to getting more dedicated, intensive support.
- Many of the suggestions below are broad overviews - While this article can bring them to your attention and insecure dating good looking guys you know they might be useful, it can't possibly go into detail about how to implement them. Countless books and websites have been written about some of these topics.
- Each reader's mileage will vary about which suggestions they'll find helpful or insecure dating good looking guys - One reason is because looks-related insecurities have different causes. Some people's are more straightforward and surface level. They're insecure about, say, having bad skin, because they really do have stubborn acne, insecure dating good looking guys. If they woke up tomorrow with a clear complexion their worries insecure dating good looking guys vanish. Other people's insecurities come from a deeper sense of low self-esteem and feelings of unworthinesss. Other issues, like perfectionism or a need to be in control, may come into play. If they suddenly transformed into a model they'd still find things about their appearance to dislike, or their self-doubts would just shift somewhere else.
The other big reason is that some suggestions will help more than others depending on your starting level of attractiveness. Some insecure people are unarguably good looking, but they can't see it, or beat themselves up for not being even prettier. What will help them the most is addressing the mental baggage that keeps them from seeing insecure dating good looking guys accurately, or which causes them to be too tough on themselves. Others are average looking (i.e., still decent looking, just not stunning), but see themselves as being uglier than they are, or unnecessarily get down on themselves up because they're not super hot. They mainly should try to reframe the way the view themselves in a more positive light. Some people's looks are on the lower end of the scale. I think very, very few people are truly, inescapably ugly. Most have the potential to look at least average, but insecure dating good looking guys reversible issues, insecure dating good looking guys, like poor fashion sense or crooked teeth, are dragging their appearance down. sammy kamkar online dating People in this category can especially benefit from making practical improvements to their look, while also accepting their features that they can't change, and learning to work around them. - Reducing your insecurities about dating questions to ask a black man looks isn't something you can do in a few hours - It's not that you just have insecure dating good looking guys read a few sentences saying, insecure dating good looking guys, "Hey, you don't look so bad!" and then you'll instantly feel better. Increased confidence and comfort with your appearance comes over time, as you gradually push out the old beliefs and replace them with new ones. Like with most improvements, your progress will have ups and downs, insecure dating good looking guys.
Having realistic goals for becoming more secure about your looks
The goal is not to reach insecure dating good looking guys headspace where you believe you're incredibly attractive. If you're more average looking you have eyes and a brain and can clearly deduce you don't look like a supermodel. More realistic goals are to:
- Get to a point where you're content with your appearance - You may acknowledge there are some ways it could be better, or that you'll never be the best looking person on the planet, but you're happy enough with where you stand.
- Have a balanced, healthy view on looks in general - You don't think that looks are everything or that looking less than perfect makes you worthless.
- Have a sense that your looks aren't holding you back insecure dating good looking guys the things you want in life - E.g., "Sure, I'm not the stereotypical tall, square jawed CEO type, but I'm good at my job and I know my career is going places." You realize your looks play a role in how you do, but insecure dating good looking guys other factors go into being successful, and you have faith you can make up for any issues with your insecure dating good looking guys in other ways.
- Have a view of your appearance that's ultimately positive and optimistic, but also grounded and realistic - For example, "I know I'm on the shorter side for a guy, but aside from that I'm still pretty cute. Not a hunky god, but very decent, especially if I dress well. I know my look isn't for everyone, but enough people are into me that my dating life isn't going to suffer if I put myself out there" or, "I realize I wasn't born with the best features. insecure dating good looking guys I'm priyanka chopra dating app with that. My life is in a good place otherwise, and I've learned if I carry myself with confidence and show my personality, I can still make a great impression on people." If we tell ourselves we're super hot when we clearly aren't, we know we're b.s.'ing ourselves. Our minds prefer and can accept more sensible, middle ground messages.
- Have a view of your appearance that's pretty stable and resilient, and comes from within - You're guided by your own compass, not anyone else's. Your positive view of yourself won't shatter if you hear one negative comment about it. If you know you're solidly average, and someone tries to tell you're uglier than that, you truly feel they're wrong.
- Be able to accept the aspects of your appearance you just won't be able to change - That doesn't mean you have to be thrilled with them, but they don't cause you undue stress, depression, or bitterness either. You've made peace with the fact that, like most people, you weren't dealt a perfect hand in this part of your life, and that you may have to work harder in some other areas to compensate for it.
- Feel okay with your appearance the majority of the time - You're human. insecure dating good looking guys It's fine if you still feel down on yourself every so often or have physical features you'll never be totally happy with. If you're having a rough week or you've recently been rejected, you may dislike your looks, but it won't be long before you go back to being comfortable with them.
Depending on how insecure dating good looking guys seated your insecurities are, you may never fully get rid of them, at least without a lot of therapy. Sometimes if we absorb messages early enough in insecure dating good looking guys it's very hard to completely shake them off. You can meet people who have been in shape for decades, but who still inwardly feel like the fat kid, because they were chubby in middle school. However, you can get to a point where your self doubts don't outwardly hinder you, and they're reduced to a hidden nagging feeling you sometimes get.
With all that preamble out of the way, here are the actual suggestions:
Address your deeper insecurities
Sometimes our feelings about our looks are rooted in core negative views of ourselves. In any number of ways, some people have had rough or deprived upbringings that instilled the belief that they're fundamentally flawed and unlovable, and that they don't deserve and won't get happiness. That central negative self-image can then influence more insecure dating good looking guys areas. One person may be convinced they're dumb and give up too easily on their school work. Another may become certain they're ugly. Trying to pick at their look-related insecurities will only help a little, as long as the more core sense of being unworthy remains.
Other people didn't have a rough enough childhood insecure dating good looking guys feel flawed all around, but did get rejected and picked on a lot at school, sometimes over aspects of their appearance. Even if as adults they logically know things are different now, their self-concept may still be stuck in the past. On an emotional level they still think they're the weird looking student who could never click with anyone. Again, until they've done on work on these issues, insecure dating good looking guys, other attempts to feel better may bounce off them.
This is the first suggestion, and already you can see I wasn't kidding when I said I couldn't go into depth about how to put every one into practice. There are many varieties of deeper insecurities and childhood baggage, and they can take time and effort to identify and change. Many people find this kind of work is best done with a counselor or support group. There are also many books that can help, though which ones will be most useful will depend on your exact circumstances (e.g., abuse, trauma, neglect, growing up with an alcohol abusing parent, living in the shadow of a disabled sibling, and so on.)
Try to practice self-acceptance
Self-acceptance is a core aspect of self-esteem:
- People with good self-esteem don't think they're perfect. They acknowledge their strengths, but are also comfortable with their weaknesses, and the fact that they have flaws, like everyone does.
- Self-acceptance means going easy on yourself and being on your own side. You may not be stoked about the cellulite on your thighs, but it doesn't mean you have to trash yourself insecure dating good looking guys it. Why not be a compassionate, supportive friend to yourself?
- Self-acceptance doesn't mean loving or condoning everything about your current self or situation. You can totally be accepting, but also acknowledge you have things you want to change. It just means that while things are the way they are, you'll be okay with them, insecure dating good looking guys. E.g., "I hope to lose some weight over the next few years, but until I do, I may as well accept that for now I'll insecure dating good looking guys heavier, insecure dating good looking guys, and try to like myself anyway."
- Acceptance is realistic and practical. It feeds into a pragmatic attitude. You may prefer that you were born taller, or with a faster metabolism, or with less-frizzy hair, but you weren't, so you might as well stop feeling angry or sorry dating jamaican girl yourself, and instead focus on how you can work around your weaker points.
The tone you take with yourself when you're accepting of your looks is sometimes misunderstood. The word "love" is often thrown around, as in "Love your body, insecure dating good looking guys, no matter what you look like!" That can make people think of the enthusiastic, gushing insecure dating good looking guys of love, as in, "I love going out of town on long weekends!" The idea of "loving" the fact that you have a gummy smile or bags under your eyes can be hard to swallow. When you unconditionally love your body, it's more like the love you might have toward a family member. You don't always agree with everything they do, but totally free dating sites the end you're in their corner. Your body may not always look the way you want, but it's the only one you have, so you should try to accept it. Also, as weird as this sounds, your body wants the best for you. It's not your enemy. All its functions are there to keep you going. Even when it does things you don't want it to, like adding weight, as far as it's concerned it's trying to help out by building up reserves for leaner times.
Acceptance also doesn't mean weary, pessimistic, resignation. It's not a case of, "I accept I'm a cow that will never have a relationship." You can accept your current difficult situation, but also have hope that you can turn things around down the road.
Indirectly let the air out of your insecurities by generally doing things to improve your mood, take care of yourself, and get your life together in other dating site for anime fans our insecurities are, they tend to get stronger when we're feeling depressed, stressed, and anxious, and recede when we're happier and on top of things. Many people with body image struggles [mens camp] - compensated dating school boys noticed that if they start suddenly thinking "I'm insecure dating good looking guys or "I'm too old" it's often a signal that they have another issue in their life they need to attend to, like that they're feeling overwhelmed at work that week.
It doesn't address their root cause, but you can turn down the volume on your insecurities by generally doing things to boost your overall mood and quality of life. You don't have to do all of these, but generally the more the better:
- Exercise regularly
- Eat a healthy diet
- Get enough sleep each night
- Get enough sunlight each day
- Set aside enough time each week to relax and unwind
- Do some fun things each week. I'm talking about the kinds of truly fun activities that you look forward to, like going for a hike or seeing a band, not mainly time passing stuff like watching whatever is on TV
- Deal with other stresses and hassles in your life (e.g., finishing that paper you've been putting off)
- Have a support system you can talk to about things that are bothering you, whether it's your friends, family, a counselor or therapy group, someone from your church, an online forum you post on, and so on
- Hang around supportive people, and try to limit time with anyone who's overly critical of you
- Do things to help other people and the planet, like volunteering at a film festival or helping pick up litter in your city's parks
- Keep a journal of things you're grateful for or which are going well in your life
This article goes into more detail about these mood boosters:
Lifestyle Changes That Can Improve Mood
Find ways to get the things you worry your looks are keeping you from
Some people's insecurities are less about their actual looks, and more that they feel their appearance will prevent them from achieving certain goals in life. For example, a man may not be upset that he's losing his hair for its own sake, but worry women will no longer find him attractive. Similarly, someone can be unhappy with their looks because they're not where to want to be in terms of their friendships, love life, or career, and have mistakenly concluded it's because they're ugly. In reality other factors are to blame. Most things in life are influenced by a lot more than how how hot you are. Most people pick their friends based on personality and commonalities, not looks. Your career success hinges more on traits like work ethic, insecure dating good looking guys, talent, networking skills, and willingness to learn.
- Someone who doesn't have a lot of friends may need to work on their basic conversation skills.
- A woman who's stalled in their career might have to improve her skills as a manager.
- If a guy's never had a girlfriend his real problem may be that he doesn't have the confidence to talk to women he's attracted to. Or maybe his natural looks do put him at a disadvantage in dating, but he can make up for online dating got phone nuber by insecure dating good looking guys other attractive traits.
- A guy may dislike his small stature because he worries it makes him vulnerable and less masculine. Taking a martial art class may address both those concerns.
If you can develop the skills or mentality to gain the things you want, then once you get them some of your hangups about your looks may go away. You're no longer missing something. You have firsthand evidence showing your looks won't keep you from everything, insecure dating good looking guys. So your mind may not feel the need to worry about how subpar you are. You'll still realize you don't look perfect, insecure dating good looking guys, but it doesn't as feel as relevant to your happiness. To start, even finding examples of people who look like you, but have managed to find success can give you hope and make you feel better. Once again, I know these changes can't be accomplished overnight, and that it's beyond this article's scope to cover everything you might need to know about how to form a social dating after divorce old and fat, or get into a relationship, or advance in your field, but that information is out there (or right here on this black girl dating white guy problems if you need help with your social skills).
Question your beliefs about looks in general
Sometimes we're not happy with our appearance because we have counterproductive beliefs about what it means to be at a certain level of attractiveness, such as:
"Good looking people live perfect, effortless existences. If I was attractive then I'd have a dream life too" - Being easy on the eyes absolutely opens some doors, but pretty or handsome people still have their share of problems. They still get rejected. If they're shy and socially inexperienced they can still be lonely. Having nice cheekbones doesn't save them from every issue with their studies, workplace, family, or health. You're not missing out on as much as you think just because your looks aren't a nine out of ten.
"How good I look is the main thing that determines my value as a person" - There are dozens and dozens of other traits that can give someone value as an individual, like being a loving parent, being funny, creating art, and on and on. And these things really do have value. It's not like "being a good friend" is some meaningless consolation prize, and the only real way you can matter in the world is by having nice abs.
"I'm a failure unless every last person finds me attractive" - Aside from the fact that your worth comes from way more than people's ratings of you, insecure dating good looking guys, no one is attractive to everyone. Some people have a more broadly appealing look, but even they won't be everyone's type. Most of us have a look that some people find attractive and others aren't into (e.g., insecure dating good looking guys, some people like thin, petite women, others prefer taller, curvier ones). That doesn't make you a failure. It's normal.
"All other people care about is looks" - People do insecure dating good looking guys weight to how others look, especially when they're deciding who to date. It's hardly the only thing they take into account. If you're a tad under the threshold of how good someone wants their partner to look, but you're a great match for them otherwise, you're probably going to be fine.
"There's no way I can get the things I want looking like I do" - Assuming you've got other aspects of yourself together, having average or below average looks closes open minded dating site reviews fewer opportunities than you think. No, you may not get a job as a model. You may not be able to date a really good looking person who only wants a partner who's as hot as they are. But the majority of things in life are open to everyone. I'm sure you can think of examples of less-than-gorgeous people who still have interesting jobs, good friends, and who are in happy relationships with partners they're attracted to.
"If you're not on the upper end of the attractiveness scale, then you're hopeless" - Being very attractive makes some things easier, but it's not an All or Nothing situation where if you're not at the very top then you get zilch. Like the previous point says, you can still get most of the things you want in life with more typical looks.
"Well having average looks is one thing, but if you're below average then you're out of luck" - Being less attractive can undoubtedly make life harder. Fewer people will be open to dating you, you'll hear more hurtful comments, and you may be subtly discriminated against at your job. Though that's a far cry from your life being a total write off, insecure dating good looking guys. Once more, if you look around you can find plenty of cases of less pretty people who are doing just fine for themselves.
"If someone rejects me it's because of how I look" - Again, particularly in dating, your looks may be a factor in why you were rejected, but there are many other reasons someone may not be interested.
"A single poor feature can make you ugly" - A single prominent, out of proportion feature insecure dating good looking guys certainly detract from your appearance, but usually not enough to make you seem ugly insecure dating good looking guys your other features are okay.
"Everyone judges people's looks by the same criteria I do" - People vary in what features they find attractive. A guy who's insecure about his smaller frame may subconsciously rate any more muscular man as being more desirable than him, and assume everyone else has the same standards. The reality is not everyone cares about muscle size when deciding how attractive someone is.
Insecure people can also be overly harsh when judging others' appearances. They either apply their same impossible, judgmental self-standards to everyone else, or they unconsciously try to tear down other people to try to make themselves feel better (as I'll explain in a bit, insecure dating good looking guys, this doesn't work). They assume people are evaluating them as strictly as they view everyone else. In fact many folks are much more forgiving. They're okay with imperfections. They'll bump someone up a few points in their mind if they insecure dating good looking guys a good personality.
"The kinds of people I want to date expect absolute physical perfection or a specific look in a partner. Insecure dating good looking guys don't have that, so I'm a lost cause" - People care about looks when when it comes to dating, but most just want someone they're reasonably attracted to, not the perfect specimen.
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Try to adjust the way you think about your looks
Most of us know we're never going to look like models, but we can still view ourselves through insecure dating good looking guys more positive lens than the one we currently use. This suggestion has several subpoints. insecure dating good looking guys Whatever angle you use to try to look at yourself differently, it may feel forced at first. Like you can tell yourself something more positive, but you won't really believe it. Don't give up right away if that happens. New beliefs take time to take hold.
Learn more about society's unrealistic beauty standards
One reason you likely feel bad about your looks is you're comparing them to the gorgeous ideals society shows in the media. I'm not the first, or even the millionth, person to say this, but those standards are unrealistic and harmful. For one, many of the images, even if they feature naturally mexican women dating people, are altered to portray a level of beauty no one could actually achieve, let alone sustain. A fashion model spends hours having her hair and makeup done by professionals. Fitness models starve and dehydrate themselves for days before a shoot so their muscles are as defined as possible. They're shot under perfect lighting. Of the hundreds of photos that are taken, only a handful of the most flattering are selected. Then, of course, the images are heavily photoshopped.
Second, the media tends to push only a handful insecure dating good looking guys looks as being the most attractive. And I'm not saying this in an empty, insecure dating good looking guys, feel good, "everyone is equally pretty" sense. What I mean is that even if you only started with the looks and body types that people find attractive in the real world, some of them are featured in insecure dating good looking guys media way more than others. When the media does promote other looks, there's often an insincere lip service quality to it.
You can lessen the power these standards have over you by learning about them. Read up on all the ways photos can be digitally manipulated. Go looking for examples of people who are attractive, but whose look doesn't usually show up in the mainstream media. View pictures of celebrities who aren't wearing makeup. The point isn't to be petty and rag on them, but to show yourself how their true, day to day looks don't compare to their heavily made up, post-produced versions.
Expose yourself to beauty standards from different cultures and time periods
Standards of beauty vary quite a bit, from country to country, and also across time within the same culture. I don't want to overstate this. It's not as if insecure dating good looking guys man who's considered extremely handsome in one country is going to be thought of as hideous in another. And there are some physical traits that are never going to be particularly appealing. It's more that among regular, average types, much of what determines whether they're seen as attractive is subjective.
In some countries fair, pale skin is considered beautiful. In others it's a sign you're unhealthy and never leave the house. Some cultures want women to be stick thin. Others prefer more curves. In some areas the ideal man is muscular and rugged. In others he's lean and androgynous. In North America beards have gone in and out of fashion over the decades, and so on. Learning about these various standards can help break the spell your particular culture's current standard has over you.
I'll mention again that it can be hard to truly believe these kinds of things at first. It's tempting to think, "Okay, sure, this one part of the world finds bigger women attractive, but the people there have got to be misguided. I don't want to fool myself. Everyone must know deep down slim women are actually the best looking." Those kinds of thoughts show you're still operating only under your own culture's standards. It's easier said than done, but you can develop a larger perspective. Once more, the point is not to finagle yourself into thinking you're incredibly beautiful, just to open yourself up to the possibility that you're not grotesque just because you don't fit one culture's ideal.
When it comes to dating, realize that even if you're not considered gorgeous to most, a subset insecure dating good looking guys people may really like your type
Some of us have deeper insecurities that make us feel we must have everyone be attracted to us. I think most people are realistic and practical, and would be happy enough, and feel more confident, if they knew their look had its subset of fans. If you know enough people like you, then what's it matter if not every last person does? Odds are that's where you stand, or at least that's where you have the potential to stand once you make some tweaks to your appearance.
If you're a straight guy, insecure dating good looking guys, realize just because you haven't gotten insecure dating good looking guys ton of attention from women it doesn't mean you're hideous
Some men conclude they're ugly because they can't recall a time a woman flirted or asked them out. However, insecure dating good looking guys, it's not just grotesque guys who don't get hit on. Plenty of decent looking men free bbw dating had women be forward with them. That's especially the case when they're younger or homebodies, and just haven't had as much time or opportunity for it to happen. Without going on a tangent about why, women as a whole are way less likely to play the pursuer role. Also, some guys think no one's ever showed an interest in them, but it's happened and just went over their heads.
Make a case to yourself about why you're not as bad looking as you think you are
It's well known that people with low self-esteem look for information that agrees with all the bad things they "know" are true about themselves. Up until now you've likely used a few cognitive distortions to cherry pick "evidence" from the world that agrees with your poor self-image. You probably use Filtering to remember any negative information about your looks, insecure dating good looking guys, and disregard anything that says otherwise. Similarly, you likely use Disqualifying the Positive to brush off any compliments about your appearance. Maybe you do some Mind Reading, where if someone isn't interested in you, you assume it was solely because they didn't find you physically appealing.
Those same processes can be used to gather support that you're actually decent looking. I know I'm repeating myself, but it's important to emphasize: The idea isn't to convince yourself that you're an Adonis, but that you're attractive enough to get by, rather than an unlovable monster.
As an exercise, sit best site for lds online dating and try to gather all the evidence you can that you're okay looking, and quite possibly extra attractive to a subset of people. Really try to put yourself in the mindset of someone who has reasons to be secure about their appearance. Don't use your usual mental processes to find reasons why the things you come up with don't count. It may help to imagine you're someone else, like a friend who wants to help, or a vain narcissist who thinks they're God's gift to the world.
- Make a list of all your features that you think are attractive. Rather than focusing on the handful you think ruin your appearance, focus on the good ones. The key word is "good", not "perfect". Don't be too quick to say, "I don't have any good features." Try harder. No one is 100% devoid of them. At worst, admit you have to make some changes to your appearance, but once you do, you know some nice features will reveal themselves.
- List the times people told you they find you attractive. (Note though that it doesn't automatically mean you're ugly if you don't have any examples, especially if you're younger or don't go out much. Men also don't get complimented as much.)
- Find examples of people with your features who are considered attractive. Like the Western male ideal is rugged and muscular, but there are plenty of celebrities who are considered hot who are thin and young looking. Don't just limit yourself to the mainstream media though, since it's known for only showing a small selection of types.
- Similarly, find people who say they're attracted to your type. That may be a friend who's not shy about saying she likes dating chubbier guys, or the fans of a celebrity who has a bigger nose, but is still considered a sex symbol.
If you find yourself dismissing any evidence for why you're better looking than you think, start questioning that. Why do you assume Person A's negative opinion of you reflects reality, while Person B is just paying a compliment out of pity? Why do you theoretically accept that some men like tall women, but if one is interested in you, it must be because he's a loser with no better options?
A related exercise is to pick someone free to talk dating sites considered attractive, and then imagine you're them and that you're really insecure about your appearance. Pick out minor flaws of "yours" to make an argument that you're unsightly. Of course, this is ridiculous, and that person is good looking, and any small flaws they have don't change that, or even add a bit of character to their appearance. Doing it for someone else can drive home how you may be making too much out of your own unnoticeable imperfections, and missing the overall picture that you look fine.
Realize you've got a range of potential attractiveness levels
Some people have nicer looking natural features than others, but we all have the potential to look better or worse on some days. An average looking guy can appear much more attractive if you put him in a sharp suit, style his hair in a flattering way, and have him project a confident, happy vibe. That same guy can look slovenly and dorky with bad clothes, grooming, and body language. Similarly, some women can look plain and mousy before they get dressed up and do their hair and makeup, but gorgeous after.
Most people don't go all out with their appearance every day, but knowing you have the potential to look a lot better can make you feel a bit more secure when you're not as dolled up. When you look in the mirror after you've just got out 60 year old woman dating younger man bed, rather than telling yourself you're inherently frumpy, you can see yourself as a more attractive person who temporarily looks worse because you haven't taken some time to get rid of your bedhead and put on some real clothes.
If you've never done so, it can be eye opening to really get dressed up and see what your peak attractiveness is. You may not be aware of how good you can look under the right circumstances. If you want to go the extra mile, get dressed up, and then have professional photos taken. Not only can this boost your confidence, insecure dating good looking guys, but it can also take away some of the mystique of unattainably hot public figures when you see firsthand how the same tricks can work on you.
Look back and really question the negative comments you got about your appearance in the past
A lot of our look-related insecurities form because of things other people say about us. Again, I won't try to paint an unrealistically rosy picture. Sometimes these comments are accurate, though still mean-spirited. Like someone might get teased for having an overbite when they really do insecure dating good looking guys one. At other times the comments people made were wrong, but we believed them at the time, and haven't questioned them since. Children tend to unskeptically accept the things they hear about themselves. Like you may have gone all your life believing your normal sized head was too big, because of one random insult someone made to you in the fourth grade.
Go back over the comments people made about your appearance and give them more scrutiny. Some of them may clearly turn out to be wrong when you really think about them for a few seconds ("My aunt said I was fat, but looking back Insecure dating good looking guys was a totally normal weight at the time.") Also, dig into people's possible motives. Even if they correctly pointed out a minor insecure dating good looking guys you have, they may have made it out to be worse than it was ("Sure, I was slightly chubby as a kid, but my mom's comments catholic dating websites free more about her own eating issues than about how I looked."; "Yeah, I have a small gap in my front teeth, but no one else has ever said anything about it. The bully who did was only trying to hurt my feelings.")
Learn to use your body effectively in other ways
People who dislike their looks can have a strained relationship with their bodies in general, and mainly see them as a source of stress and disappointment. You may come to like your body more if you do dating a girl whos been around with it than view it as a means for looking cute to strangers or not. For one, try more physical and creative activities, insecure dating good looking guys. Push yourself and learn what your body is capable of. Try to find a physical skill you're naturally good at. That can help you view your physique in a more positive, well-rounded light (e.g., "I'm really lanky, which makes rock climbing way easier.")
What not to do: Putting down other people's appearances to try to make yourself feel better in comparison
This is a pretty classic insecure person move, but it doesn't work. It may momentarily make you feel better, but long term it cultivates a toxic, negative mindset, and does nothing to address your real issues. It also subconsciously sends you the message that if you're like this, then everyone else must also be really critical, which can make you even more paranoid about how people see you.
Try to cut down on the little habits that help sustain your insecurities
When we feel insecure dating good looking guys about our looks we tend to do things that we hope will reassure ourselves or clarify where we stand, but which actually increase our uncertainty and self doubt. Consciously trying to cut down on these habits can help keep thoughts about your looks out of your mind. Again, it doesn't address the root problem, but can reduce some of the day to day unhappy chatter going through your head. Try to stop habits such as:
- Checking yourself out in every mirror or window to see if you look good or bad in that instant ("Phew, I looked okay that time. Damn, my features looked old in that store window.")
- Picking through every photo someone puts up of you, to see how good you look
- Making regular close examinations of a feature you're not happy with (e.g., scrutinizing your nose in the mirror from all angles)
- Checking out other people's features and comparing them to your own ("How does her arm fat compare to mine?")
- Taking tons of photos of yourself and then over-analyzing how you look in them
- Consuming lots of appearance-related media, like fashion insecure dating good looking guys fitness websites or YouTube channels
- Measuring yourself constantly (e.g., weighing yourself, measuring the size of your arms, calculating your body fat percentage)
Seek reassurance from people
Sometimes we'll feel insecure about our overall looks or a particular feature, and we haven't gotten anyone's direct feedback on it and really aren't sure where we stand. Just hearing from someone else that we look fine, or that our forehead is completely normally, and not huge like you were told in middle school, can be all we need to put the matter to rest.
Of course, this doesn't always go smoothly. Some people are told they look amazing constantly and they refuse to accept it, because it's too far out of line with what they "know" to be true. It's also possible to get a short-lived boost from reassurance, but then want more soon after.
Make improvements to your looks
As I said toward the beginning of the article, insecure dating good looking guys, some people are good looking, but see themselves as less attractive. Others are unhappy with how they look because they justifiably realize dating apps dont work for guys of their appearance aren't as good as they could be. If they could make themselves look better than they'd feel more secure with themselves. It speaks to that larger contradiction with self-esteem: On one hand it's good to self-accepting and be okay with yourself as you are now, insecure dating good looking guys. On the other hand, you can't help but know if certain aspects of your life are up to your standards are not. When they are you tend to feel better.
This suggestion can make a difference if you've got clear areas where you could make improvements, and you have realistic expectations about how much you can adjust them. It can backfire if you try to perfect your already-good features, or you feel there's no point unless you can make yourself look flawless. It's also possible putting more focus on your looks, so you can change them, will also cause your insecurities to temporarily flare up, insecure dating good looking guys. If you can account for this, and manage it if it comes up, the risk may be worth it. Generally, it's good to try to address your insecurities in other ways first, so when you make more hands-on changes your mentality will be in a more helpful place.
Here are some changeable aspects of your look you could improve:
Your grooming and sense of fashion
What we wear and how we groom and style ourselves makes a insecure dating good looking guys impact on how attractive we appear. If you have an unflattering haircut and wear bland, dowdy clothes, you're simply not going to look as good as you can. Another thing is that other people tend to judge us more on our clothing and grooming choices than our natural features. That's because we instinctively understand someone can't change their height or the shape of their chin, but their style and grooming are under their control and can give insecure dating good looking guys hints about what kind of person they are. If someone is really poorly put together we assume it's a sign they may have other problems.
Possibly finding a less-conventional style that works for you
More attractive people can dress in any halfway reasonable outfit and still look good. best dating websites free Other people do better or worse with some looks than others. For example, insecure dating good looking guys, if you take a chubby, bald, bearded guy and put him in glasses and a cheap business casual outfit, many people will see him as a stereotypical IT dork. That same guy in a biker or metalhead outfit starts looking more burly and edgy. insecure dating good looking guys This isn't to say you have to join a whole subculture that doesn't interest you, insecure dating good looking guys, but you could still use stereotypes to your advantage and incorporate certain elements into your look. Like a taller, chubbier guy could wear some vaguely biker-esque clothing to give his look a bit of edge. (That's not a formal fashion suggestion by the way, just an example. Biker clothes might look lame or out of fashion on some guys, but you get the idea).
Your posture, body language, and facial expressions
All in all confident non-verbal communication looks better. You've probably met someone who wasn't the best looking, but they had a confident vibe and you couldn't help but see them as more attractive than they technically were. People who feel they're ugly often carry themselves in a self-doubting, insecure dating good looking guys, sadsack way, which doesn't display their natural features in the best light. You don't need to come insecure dating good looking guys as hyper-confident, just more or less self-assured. That means things like standing up straight, seeming fairly friendly and cheerful, and generally not looking meek and down on yourself.
Aside from the importance of confidence, sometimes aspects of people's default body language don't do them any favors. Like they may unintentionally have a goofy looking smile, or slouch in a way that makes their stomach stick out, or come across as more tense or unfriendly than they're feeling. With practice you can consciously adjust much of your non-verbal communication.
Your weight and fitness levels
This point is not to say you can only be a svelte 110 pounds as a woman, or 190 pounds of well-defined muscle if you're a man. It's more that even if you're on the heavier or skinnier side, and are fine with that and it's working for you, there's still probably a weight and level of fitness where you'd look your best. Like if you're happy with being a curvier woman, there's still a difference between being 170 pounds vs 370. If you're slimmer guy you'll look better being in shape than skinny fat, insecure dating good looking guys.
Of course, while your weight and fitness can have a big affect on how you look, it's no secret that it's the hardest aspect of your appearance to change. It can be a insecure dating good looking guys to learn about fashion and go clothes shopping, but ultimately that takes a relatively small amount of time and effort. Having a procedure to fix your skin costs money, but once you've saved up and paid for it, it can then be done fairly quickly. Staying at a certain weight or maintaining a certain level of muscle along with a low body fat percentage takes much, much more work. It can literally be a lifelong project, which requires energy and discipline every day. Trying to lose weight can bring up other mental baggage you'll have to deal with, like using food as an emotional coping strategy. More than with the other suggestions in this article, I don't want to imply that just because I can write it, and you can read it, that it's easy to just go out and do.
Medical interventions to change your physical features
This could mean dental work, plastic surgery, hair transplants, or skin procedures to remove acne scarring. If you have a feature that detracts from your appearance like crooked teeth or ears that clearly stick out too much, fixing them might be a good option. You don't have to of course. Some people accept these quirks in their appearance and still live good lives. However, others are happy to be rid of them and feel they look much better once that one weak spot little things dating site gone.
Generally other people have no problems with dental work or skin treatments, but can look down more at plastic surgery. They may see it as vain, and think that people should accept themselves as they are. They'll point to sad stories of already gorgeous celebrities who've had a dozen pointless procedures to tweak the size of their nostrils. No one's denying that cosmetic surgery is sometimes done for unhealthy, unnecessary reasons, insecure dating good looking guys. However, many people who do it report they're satisfied with their decision. They had one body part they weren't thrilled with and were glad to fix it.
Plastic surgery insecure dating good looking guys be a good choice if you're doing it for the right reasons and you have realistic expectations. Here insecure dating good looking guys some psychological traits that make someone a good candidate:
- They're more or less happy with their lives and secure with themselves, but the look of one body part has always bugged them, insecure dating good looking guys. They want to fix it to take a weight off their shoulders.
- They're doing it for themselves, not because of outside pressure from their partner, family, or employer.
- They don't think making some tweaks to one body part will radically alter their appearance or make them much more attractive. They realize they'll still look more-or-less the same, just with that one part more in proportion to the rest of their features.
- They don't need or expect the surgery to make the part look flawless, just to make it look less extreme and hopefully bring it into average, unnoticeable territory (e.g., to change a big nose into a typical looking one no one would think twice about).
- They don't think tweaking one body part will dramatically change their lives, insecure dating good looking guys. They expect they'll feel less self-conscious about that specific feature, and maybe a little more confident overall, but they don't think it will turn them into a whole new person. They know removing insecure dating good looking guys few millimeters of bone from the bridge of their nose won't erase the fact that they have trouble setting boundaries with their friends, are bored with their job, and resent their parents for being too critical.
On the other hand poor candidates have unrealistic hopes of the surgery radically transforming their appearance and fixing all their problems. They don't view their appearance accurately and think they have tons of glaring issues, when other people think they look fine. They want to change everything about themselves, not just one feature. They have deeper-seated self-esteem issues, where even if they were to fix one aspect of their appearance, their insecurities would just glom onto another one. Any good plastic surgeon will screen potential patients to see if their expectations are reasonable and insecure dating good looking guys they'd psychologically benefit from the procedure.
Learning how to be more photogenic
One thing that bothers some people about their appearance is that they never seem to look good in photos. You can learn to look more natural and comfortable on camera. You can find the poses that look the most flattering for you. This doesn't mean you have to become vain and spend hours a day taking practice selfies. It's more about knowing how to put your best foot forward, and getting to a point where every time a friend wants to take a picture you don't flinch away and think of how weird you're going to look in it.
Just learn to act in spite of any lingering insecurities
Sometimes you'll have done all you can - you've improved your appearance, tried to see the ways you are attractive, accepted the things you can't change, etc. - but you still feel insecure. You know you're not that bad looking, but you still feel that way. Maybe you'll overcome those feelings with more work down the line, but for now they're still there. You're at the point where you just need to act is if those insecurities weren't there. You have to introduce yourself to those guests at that party, even if you're inwardly worried they think you're overweight. It's kind of like how if you're prone to headaches you can do all you can to minimize them, but sometimes you still get one and you just have to go on with your day.
10 Struggles Only Guys With Hot Girlfriends Will Understand
Men are often swayed away by the beauty. We can't be blamed for going bonkers when we see beautiful women and we can't be blamed for being superficial when it comes to beauty. Our brains are hardwired like that- and we become extremely fragile when we see beautiful women. Many of us find partners who are visually satisfying and if we are able to attract them we overlook a lot of other characteristics.
We have also learned that dating a beautiful woman can make us struggle a lot and trust us, it's not easy guys! She is not easy to deal with and for a beautiful face, we sacrifice a lot! Though that's our personal choice still who should we blame? Also, we rarely find insecure dating good looking guys who look great together or are as good looking insecure dating good looking guys each other, we often come across couples who are a notch or two above or below each other. We are stuck in a position as an outsider to comment that one of them could have done better because they are better looking than the other.But when you're stuck in such a position, you'll know!
So, here are 10 ways we blow it when dating a 10.
1) You may stay with her for the wrong reasons
© Excel Entertainment
You may become blinded by her looks that you overlook (no pun intended) any serious personality flaws that she may have. You will find yourself justifying the fact that she is an egomaniac or unfaithful, for example, just so you can stay with her. Now, with all these points, we're by no means saying that men should avoid dating very beautiful women. The message here is to beware your worst instincts when venturing into this type of situation. Your vulnerabilities will be more exposed than ever.
2) Her ego could be a problem
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The world does a great job of constantly reminding hot women how hot they are, insecure dating good looking guys. Yes, she's heard it before. She's been hearing about it since she was 18 (and probably before) relentlessly. This can have any number of effects on a woman, but one effect is that she might have an inflated ego. You may not realize it until you're into your relationship, but there's no mistaking someone who is totally certain she's got everyone around her -- including you -- beat.
3) You'll be insecure
© Eros International
How about we add a dash of insecurity to the stew of bad character while we're at it? Nothing is less attractive to women than insecurity in men, so this may well be the death knell for your relationship. Not sure she's into you? Great, that probably means your behavior is going to create the conditions of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
4) You'll have trouble trusting her
This is no reflection on her -- this one's all you, buddy. She may be honest to a fault, but you're more likely to struggle with trust issues if she's a stunner. If you haven't picked up on this, every single one of your lesser qualities could potentially be on display here. Jealousy, second-guessing -- isn't this the stuff that we're always complaining about when it comes to our girlfriends? Well, the tables may well turn for online dating for hikers You'll be easily manipulated
Uneven power dynamics plague almost every relationship at some point, but especially relationships like these. It's one thing to try to please her, but do you ever say no? At first being the indulgent boyfriend will feel like the right thing to do, but ultimately it leads to resentment.
6) People will assume that she wants you for your money
© Imgur
While men are trying to pick their tongues up from off the floor and women are looking for flaw of hers to dwell on, they will invariably start to talk about her and the guy she's with (that's you). Unfortunately, the first thing they will likely assume is that you're loaded. It doesn't matter whether or not this is actually the case; people love to gossip.
7) No one will notice you in her presence
© Excel Entertainment
For some guys, this is a perk, not a pitfall, insecure dating good looking guys. But it's a fact of life nonetheless -- people won't notice you beside her. You'll fade into the background behind her glow. Worst-case scenario: People will wonder what she's doing with a regular guy like you.
8) You'll become jealous and possessive
© Reuters
Guys with sterling self-esteem, maybe this doesn't apply to you. But all of us have a little jealousy lurking within, insecure dating good looking guys, and if you never encountered it before, you probably will once you're dating a very beautiful woman.
9) You'll fight with guys you don't even know
Sometimes you might even be in the vicinity of one such attempt on the part of another man. If you're like a lot of guys, it can be hard to ignore a guy paying unwanted attention to your female companion. And depending on the character of this guy, things can escalate. Who needs that kind of stress?
10) You hear the phrase, “What did she see in you”, insecure dating good looking guys often
People say what they have to and you can keep on ignoring it but people say this a lot to you that what did you do to get her or you don't deserve her or she'd eventually go. And you shun them by saying, you're a lot more than just good looks' and they'll just laugh at you.This annoys you but you're dealing with it!
11) You'll worry about other guys trying to sleep with her
Thinking back to how quickly you tried to get her number, can you even blame them? It doesn't matter how much trust you have between you. There's something irksome about knowing that basically everywhere she goes, guys will be coming up with excuses to talk to her.
Insecure dating good looking guys - with
So I have an update…
We argued because he did not seem to be putting any effort in to make me feel better about what happened. Instead he seemed to be pushing me away.
We didn’t speak for 24 hours. Then he said he felt that he had ruined things and didn’t have what it took to fix it. He said several different things, and I feel very confused. The main things he said were as follows:
-He felt that I deserved better than him. He said that he holds me in such high regard that he looks at himself and feels like he isn’t good enough
-He said he loved me too much and it scared him as he was scared he would let me down again and he didn’t want to live with the guilt
-He said that he thought about why he went on the dating apps when we were together and he was worried it was because something was missing. But he can’t see that anything is missing. This one has made me feel pretty insecure.
-He finally said that he wants to give things another go, with a clean slate.
My problem is that I am not entirely sure I can just let everything go and have a clean slate. I will be dwelling on the fact that he said he worried something was missing. Because maybe it is missing and he either won’t admit it because he doesn’t want to hurt me, or he just can’t think of a specific thing to say so he assumes everything is ok when really it is just not enough for him.
I feel confused. I never put any pressure on him to say anything or do anything. He told me loved me, I could tell that he did. But what has happened does bring that into question. Why would he have doubted things if he loved me?
Confidence is often seen as one of the most sought-after attributes women want in a man. A less attractive guy with more confidence can often beat out the better-looking dude when it comes to jobs, women, and more. But we all get a little (or extremely) insecure now and again. Even the most confident guy takes a hit—whether or not they let you know it is another story. But can you tell when your anxiety gets the best of you, and you’re wearing your insecurity like a full-blown billboard? You know, when everyone else is thinking “Oh, he’s acting that way because he’s insecure,” but you think you’ve got the wool over everyone’s eyes?
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“There’s always two extremes,” says Stephan Labossiere, a relationship expert and coach. “There’s the insecure guy who’s withdrawn and the guy who’s over-doing it.” In small doses your insecurities might seem endearing to a woman, but if you let them get the best of you, they’re a major turn off. See if you’re guilty of these insecure behaviors that are turning her off.
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You don’t make eye contact
Whether you’re on a first date, meeting a friend of a friend for the first time, or at a business dinner, nothing screams, “I’m uncomfortable” like an inability to make eye contact with the person you’re talking to. You may be a bit introverted, but it can come off as indifference, apprehension—and just plain rude. “If a guy holds his head down a lot, it shows a lack of confidence,” Labossiere says. “And when you’re shy and nervous, that’s a sign of being insecure.” Think of it this way: How are you ever going to connect with a woman if you’re looking everywhere but her eyes?
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You’re dominating the conversation
There’s nothing wrong with taking the floor and sharing a bit about yourself, but if you’re the only person getting a word in, that’s a problem—especially if it’s just you and your date. “Sometimes when a guy feels ‘less than,’ he tries to impress a woman and prove how great he is,” Labossiere says. “He’ll overdo it and try to sell himself,” rather than let the conversation flow naturally.
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You don’t talk—at all
“I had a recent client who went on a date where, the whole time, the guy just answered yes or no,” Labossiere says. “He only wanted to talk about her because he was intimidated and so scared of saying the wrong thing that he didn’t say anything at all.” Don’t be this guy (or the guy who doesn’t shut up). Check out our First Date Tips: The Best Questions to Ask a Woman to help get the ball rolling.
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You throw around your wealth and accomplishments
We’re going to key you in on something: Women see right through your attempt to wow her with material possessions. Depending on the woman and her motives, this is a deal-breaker or a golden ticket (if you’re looking for a gold digger.) “Guys might try to sell it as confidence, but extremely confident people don’t have to over-project or overcompensate,” Labossiere says. That being said, no one can blame you for giving an honest answer to a question, but if you’re volunteering (read: flaunting) how you make six figures, drive a Porsche, and have a fleet of tigers roaming your mansion a la Mike Tyson then that draws a red flag. “You’re rushing to impress a woman because you’re worried your character and personality isn’t enough,” Labossiere explains.
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You bring up past flings
This should seem obvious, but bringing up ex-wives, girlfriends, or one-night stands will never charm the pants off the latest woman in your life. “As crazy as that sounds, some guys bring that up because they think it’s going to impress a woman,” Labossiere explains. To you, the admission makes you seem desirable; to her, the admission solidifies you as obnoxious and self-absorbed.
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You’re withdrawn around her friends
Meeting your girlfriend’s guy friends can be a hairy situation. “Some guys might be withdrawn when a girl brings them around her guy friends,” Labossiere says. But unless they gave you a valid reason to be upset—like one of them talked about the hot and heavy fling he had with your girl during spring break in college—you getting upset at the mere introduction is a huge sign that you’re feeling insecure.
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You question everything she does
If your conversations feel like one continuous game of 20 Questions, there’s a problem. “Not that a couple shouldn’t share their lives together and talk about what’s going on, but when you’re adamant about receiving a full report, trying to regulate where your girlfriend goes and who she sees, it shows you’re not trusting and you don’t feel secure in your relationship together.
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You regulate how she dresses
“Some people are conservative, but in a lot of instances, guys will hide behind spiritual beliefs because they don’t want their girl showing off,” Labossiere says. If you’re a guy who uses any angle to get your girlfriend not to wear a certain outfit out, that’s a big sign of insecurity.
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You always question her fidelity
Labossiere says there are two main reasons why you’d question your girlfriend’s fidelity: Either you’re afraid there’s someone out there who’s better than you, or you cheated and now you’re afraid she’s going to do the same thing. If you lack self-esteem there’s a very good possibility you’ll ruin your relationship even though you want to be with her.
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You sleep around—a lot
“A guy who sleeps around a lot—not every man, but a lot more than people think—is trying to make himself feel better,” Labossiere says. People look at that as men being men, but more often than not, you’re a little insecure. Guys with a lot going on in their lives aren’t as focused on sleeping with a lot of women. “But when you don’t have a lot going for you (especiallly when you’re younger), you’re all over the place and you feed your ego with women,” he adds. You get constant validation from the attention and affection, as fleeting as it may be.
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You always need your ego stroked
Let’s be honest here: Everyone wants to be shown appreciation, get a pat on the back, and receive a compliments every now and again, but there are some men who need it constantly. And there is nothing more irritating than a man who needs his ego stroked all the time, whether it be at work, in the gym, in the bedroom (the list goes on and on…). “It’s like boy you must not have gotten praise as a kid, or your mother gave you so much that you don’t know what to do without it,” Labossiere says. If you’re always looking for someone to throw you a bone, it’s your insecurity coming through.
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I’m pretty sure that when you set out to start dating, you didn’t intend to date insecure men. But the reality is that’s exactly what ends up happening, and most times, without you even realizing it.
Insecure men are actually quite adept at attracting the perfect “victim.” And much of this goes back to the theory of the Law of Attraction which states that “like attracts like.” In otherwords, similar energies are, by nature, naturally attracted and drawn to one another. Which means that your insecurities, can actually be drawing insecure men back towards you.
An insecure man needs constant reassurance and validation of himself as a man, and his ideal woman is also insecure and feels “unworthy” of love and therefore, is eagerly willing to constantly sacrifice herself and her needs, thus directing all of her energy towards being his biggest “cheerleader” in life, and completely losing herself and her own identity in the process.
The Negative Cycle of Co-Dependency
This exchange of energy leads to a co-dependent relationship in that, he’s dependent on receiving the constant reassurance and support he needs from others (her) to keep himself feeling like a man, and she’s dependent on receiving the validation she needs to feel “worthy” as a woman by constantly proving herself “useful” to him.
But there’s a problem. This is one-sided and not equal. The man is “receiving” on a constant basis, while the woman is “giving” on a constant basis. (And for any men reading here, this piece is obviously geared towards women. But understand that much of this works both ways and the roles can actually be reversed.)
It becomes a feeding frenzy of negativity. A theme of “reassurance and acceptance” starts to play out. He needs to feel reassured and validated as a man, and she needs to feel accepted and worthy as a woman.
Are You the Perfect Victim?
Insecure men generally tend to seek out women who are an empty vessel. Meaning, similar to a blank slate, much like a brand new computer on the assembly line that’s just been pieced together, with an empty hard drive that’s ready to be programmed. Insecure men do not want to be challenged or questioned and they will eventually flee from strong women who are able to assert themselves. (Hint, hint ladies – “the disappearing man.”)
Insecure men prefer a mild woman who will worship them, not question them, not challenge them, and instead bend over backwards to please them. They prefer a woman who is very pliable and one who makes herself available all the time, forcing her to place her own life aside. (One of the reasons why very young, naïve women are highly sought after by men. It’s not always about sex.) Having that type of a woman makes an insecure man feel good about himself and more like a man.
Insecure men are an emotional wreck internally and to hide that from the rest of the world, they actually become very adept at overcompensating by creating a very refined external image that makes others believe they’re actually very successful in life.
What an Insecure Man Looks Like
Insecure Men Tend to be Loud, Boisterous Frat Boy Types
Insecure men are the guys that are the loudest in the room, the guys that are the life of the party. They are the guys that brag a lot about the successes they’ve had (20 years ago as a high school football player). They are the guys that, when challenged by other men verbally for their offensive behavior, either run away or throw a punch instead of providing a smart intellectual rebuttal (because they have no good excuse for their behavior). These types are usually found wearing Affliction Clothing line tees and True Religion jeans with heavy white stitching, sporting a few tattoos, dig MMA, have a close buzz cut on the sides, treat dating like a sport and have dined on a plethora of steroids. (This explains why they’re always exhibiting hostility and are usually “top heavy” with giant arms and a big upper body that is teetering on skinny legs).
Insecure Men Tend to be all Talk and No Action
Insecure men are the guys who are all talk and no action. The ones who have a tendency to constantly “school” others in a “know it all” fashion in an attempt to fool them into believing they have valuable knowledge to share with the world - while they produce no actual viable results whatsoever.
Insecure Men Tend to Exaggerate Stories
Insecure men are the guys at the bar telling exaggerated stories of sexual conquests with the ladies, yet are never actually spotted with a living, breathing one by their side. Insecure guys tend to have a long, long line of “crazy” exes in their past (not just one or two who truly may have been emotionally off balance), yet fail to realize the women weren’t all crazy and instead, were simply women who called him on his crap all the time.
Insecure Men Tend to Exhibit Offensive, Obnoxious Behavior – Towards Everyone
Insecure men are the guys that are quick to point out the flaws in others. They are the guys that drop small “negs”(negative comments) all the time directed at those around them, in order to bring insecurities in others to the surface, so as to misdirect anyone from noticing their own flaws and insecurities.
Insecure Men Market Themselves Well
They are the guys that have learned to “sell” themselves quite well on the surface, when in reality, they have no job, no car, are skipping out on child support payments and financial debts and are living in their parents basement.
Insecure Men Are Narcissistic Attention Whores
Insecure men are the guys that go around approaching women in nightclubs that are complete strangers and asking to take a selfie with them, and then publishing these photos to social media sites, thereby making them look like they’re in demand with the opposite sex. Their Facebook page is a constant stream of party boy selfies with the occasional self-deprecating post geared towards garnering a ton of compliments for themselves. As a matter of fact, I saw one recently that read, “I’m going to quit being such a man whore and start looking for a good woman.” (As if good women are going to jump at the chance to be with an old man whore.) And to my surprise, that comment garnered a lot of “Awe, you’re not that bad of a guy” responses from women. (Clue: If he’s telling you he’s a man whore – then that’s exactly what he is.)
Insecure Men Can Tend to Look Like the Cat That Ate the Canary
Can you say “smug?” Yea, insecure men create the impression that they’re very self-assured.
If you’re looking at a guy and he’s constantly sporting a “Billy Idol Smile” or a silly Cheshire Grin, and you get the feeling he knows something you don’t know – guess what?
He DOES know something you don’t know. . .he knows that you’re the canary and he’s about to swallow you whole.
Insecure Men Pull Stunts to Create False Appearances
They are the guys that, when on a date with them, leave their phone out on the table and are all too proud to openly inform you (and constantly remind you) that women all over the place are chasing them down. Yet they fail to mention that all the texts and calls they’re receiving are actually responses to the lame “hey” text they sent to every single woman in their Facebook account and on their phone 15 minutes before meeting up with you - so they can receive all these responses in front of you, thereby creating the impression that they’re in demand with the opposite sex.
Insecure Men Are Lazy, Lack Ambition and Seek a Free Ride – Single Mothers Beware
Insecure men are completely okay with riding someone else’s coat tails to the top, namely a woman’s. If there’s not a financially eligible woman to latch onto, they’re usually okay with a mediocre “status quo” for themselves (such as living in their parent’s basement). And when I say financially eligible woman, I’m not talking about a woman earning $100k a year. A lot of times, a single mother receiving financial assistance, child support and food stamps can fall victim to an insecure man because she’s got a home, food on the table, a reliable income stream, and an already existing living situation that the man simply slides right into.
Insecure Men are Flaky, Inconsistent and Full of Empty Promises
He’ll keep you floating on empty promises that he never fulfills. He’ll be like a magician who disappears and reappears at will. He’ll stand you up or cancel last minute for what he considers honest to goodness dates, which are most times actually sofa dates. And he’ll make good use of the learning theory called the random interval reward system to keep you hooked:
Insecure Men Cheat and are Opportunists in Life
The needs of insecure men are so hefty that many times, almost all the time, you’ll find that they’re also cheaters (insecurity and cheating tend to go hand in hand). Because the needs of insecure individuals are so very hefty, many times it takes more than one individual to fulfill them. Even if they weren’t outright seeking to fulfill those needs from several others, rest assured that when the opportunity presents itself - they will take the offer up. This is the reason that a lot of the cheating that occurs with insecure individuals is actually “opportunistic” in nature. When someone has cheated on you and you ask them why, if you hear responses along the lines of, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, it just happened” – then you know you’ve been bitten by an insecure man who took action on an opportunity that presented itself.
Insecure Men Move FAST
In the beginning, they lay it on thick and heavy, telling you everything they think you want to hear, zipping you into the bedroom and a relationship with lightning speed. (Warning: Moving too fast is a big red flag.) They’re pulling a number on you and the speed at which it takes place is mean to disorient and distract you from their real motivation – which is to use you and control you until they decide they’re done with you. They're not good at consistency though or maintaining any of this initial "flowery" behavior, which is why it's important to make a man repeatedly prove himself to you for a consistent length of time. The flakes won't be able to keep it up and they'll soon run once they realize they'll have to work to win you over.
Insecure Men are Emotionally Unavailable and Have a Shallow Orientation
Their inner world will rarely, if ever, be anything you get a peek into. They’re usually immature jokesters who won’t “get real” with you and they’re not interested in hugs and kisses, long talks, affectionate caresses or fulfilling your emotional needs. Being with them feels more like having a child to take care of instead of an intimate lover who’s an equal to you. Their primary goal is to get their own needs met, much like a child, which usually has a shallow orientation focused on nothing but primal, sexual needs and survival – and nothing deeper than that.
Insecure Men are Adept at Using Guilt to Their Advantage
Insecure men are never responsible and never accountable. And if you attempt to make them become that, they are not above spinning that back onto you somehow and making you feel guilty for asking too much of them, and not accepting them for who they are and what they have to offer – which is nobody with nothing to offer other than a mere presence in your life.
The Words and Actions of Insecure Men Do Not Align
Insecure men are men who say one thing – yet do something else completely different. Their words never align with their actions and in essence, they’re full of crap and constantly spewing a lot of BS at you.
The Manipulation
Insecure men (and women) are incredibly manipulative. They’re very adept at getting their negative needs fulfilled by others (because they can’t provide that for themselves). One can almost view them as the vampires of society in that they tend to suck the life out of those they’re partnered with via the hefty need for constant reassurance they have. “Maintaining “ them becomes a full time job.
An insecure man is not much of a provider, he’s more of a taker (the vampire) and contributing in any way other than his mere presence in your life is really not going to be his thing. He may work a mediocre job for a while at your behest, but eventually he’ll have a personality clash with someone at work or he’ll get a hang nail or some other ailment that he’ll use as an excuse to get the hell outta’ there - and then he’ll blame you for the entire debacle.
That reminds me of a National Lampoon movie with Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid, who played Cousin Eddie. Cousin Eddie is an insecure guy, constantly attempting to impress Clark and overcompensate in ways that ultimately make him appear as a buffoon. When asked about his job, his wife (the ever willing cheerleader in his life) does damage control and tells people, “He’s holding out for a management position.” And then it’s pointed out that he’s been holding out - for 7 years.
The End Result of Dating an Insecure Man
Insecure men won’t lift you up – they will only ever control you and pull you down, down, down with them – to their level. You can tread water for a while, but eventually, you’ll exhaust yourself, you’ll never be able to get ahead, you will feel like a 200 pound ball and chain has been tied around your ankle that you just can’t shake, and you’ll realize that it’s either sink or swim. You’re either going to go down with them, or you’re going to have to get away from them.
And mind you, if you don’t leave them first, nine times out of ten, they will eventually leave you. . .and most likely - in a lurch - and much worse off than when they met you.
After all, they are the vampires of the world and once they drain you of your life’s blood, much like a vampire, they have no use for the empty carcass that’s left behind. They are relationship jumpers who consider 3 and 5 month flings honest to goodness real relationships. And if they’re married, guess what? Most times, they’re still conducting those 3 to 5 month flings on the side anyways, or taking up the various one time opportunities that float their way. And beauty isn’t what it’s about when that happens, it’s about their insecurity.
Ever notice how many times the “other woman” in a situation like that is always a hot mess of sorts, and you wonder why the heck the man risked a relationship with a great, beautiful woman for – a bar fly that’s akin to a doorknob who’s permitted everyone in the building to take a turn? It’s rarely the Pamela Anderson’s or Scarlett Johansson’s of the world that play that role. . .it’s always some unassuming, non-descript woman that was like a scrap left on the floor for bottom feeders that leaves you shaking your head asking, “Why, why?”
The reason why is because the woman was pliable and therefore - made a good victim - and fulfilled a shallow need at the time. Remember, insecure individuals are very “needy” (man or woman).
Loyalty is not their thing and they will start to be dismissive of you entirely (not that they were ever really that attentive to you and your needs in the first place), eventually disposing of you when another more promising opportunity (victim) comes along. And if you have a child or children with them, it won’t matter. They’ll easily walk away from you and their own blood without pause, and in keeping with their status quo, will bail on child support, visitation, responsibility, accountability, and/or any financial debt residue left behind.
They will skip into the next relationship as if the one with you never even happened – and you will fast become one of the “crazy” exes he’s telling stories about and receiving sympathy from others over (like he once did with you). And don’t be surprised if, when telling others these stories, he begins to exaggerate it and starts to “project” onto you the very sin that he, himself, committed – cheating.
If you meet a guy who claims that every single ex (not just one or two) he’s ever had has cheated on him, you need to question why that is. He’s either an incredibly lousy, neglectful, apathetic mate – or he’s lying.
Are You Dating an Insecure Man?
In the beginning insecure men come on fast and strong, spreading compliments thick, for about the first 3 or 4 dates and professing to love you by the fifth. They talk strongly and often about a future with you very early on, too early, and tend to fast track you into the bedroom by doing so (because they know women, by nature, bond with men through physical contact).
Insecure men pick their victims well, identify their needs immediately, and then start to fulfill those needs fast – only to yank that all away from you and completely turn the tables once they’ve hooked you.
All those compliments, promises, talk of future, exchanges of love and hot sex. . .yea, that was the bait on the end of the hook. And once you bite, they know they have a winner and they pull back hard on the line, quickly and without warning, reeling you out of the lovely pond you were just swimming in - and onto very dry land where they will watch you eventually suffocate and die without remorse.
If you’re dating a man that’s leaving you feeling completely exhausted, totally emotionally drained, financially wiped out, incredibly neglected, abused and taken advantage of, entirely confused, suspicious and constantly questioning and second guessing yourself – you, my dear, are most likely dating an insecure man.
Get rid of him – NOW.
Protect Yourself
If you want to protect yourself from falling prey to another one in the future (hey, we’ve all been there) - work on yourself. Change always starts with YOU.
Behavior that is self-destructive need no longer take place. Hookups and one night stands, settling for less than you deserve, not demanding traditional first dates where you’re treated like a lady, drinking too much, giving men who treat you poorly a second chance or the benefit of doubt, not carrying yourself with dignity, behaving desperately– no more. It’s a fallacy planted into women’s heads by society that if you smile, sacrifice yourself constantly and “do, do, do” for others like a household appliance. . .you will receive love in return. So forget about that because the only thing that will get you these days is victimized and taken for granted.
Ladies, there are good men still out there, trust me on this. Yes, the “gentlemen” is nearing extinction and entering the realms of the dinosaur, however, they do still exist. And if you work on yourself and participate in things that actually build your confidence, rather than take part in self-destructive behavior that actually chips away at it– you will find that you are no longer attracted to insecure men, you will develop a radar that can see them coming a mile away, and good men will admire your strength, independence and strong will. . .and will begin to enter your life.
If you’re not ready and haven’t done the work, you won’t recognize them, you’ll pass them over, you’ll experience fear and you’ll confuse the “high” of sexual attraction with real emotion and love. If you have done the work, and you know your valueand begin to understand what it is that you truly need from a man to be happy – then you can’t miss them.
If you’ve done the work, insecure men will no longer be drawn to you. Instead, they’ll sense immediately that you wouldn’t make an ideal victim - and they’ll quickly flee from you without explanation.
Seriously ladies, be thankful for all the disappearing men in your life- they actually saved you a lot of grief.
Why Not Everybody Likes a Pretty Boy
Anti-Valentine writes about a variety of topics, including affiliate marketing, online trading, music, the auto industry, and home security.
I’m Just a Sexy Boy . . .
Okay, you're likely going to hate me a little bit after you read all this. I say go ahead: I'm used to it by now.
I'm a pretty boy. I always have been. I've been called names by people, and it was usually unprovoked. I'll be minding my own business, and I'll hear some guy say, "he thinks he's so beautiful," or "he thinks he's so cool."
They're more likely to target me and focus on my shortcomings or faults. That's what people always do with beautiful things. They find ways to point out its flaws. It's human nature to defile and destroy beautiful things after all. We know this by now.
And like I said before—I'm used to being hated for that exact reason. But I don't just sit there and think: "Why? Why don't they like me?! Everybody hates me!" while crying into my pillow like some might.
I'm not just a pretty face as they say. I am a thinker, and I develop my own theories. I might not have studied psychology or whatnot at a fancy university. I don't need a piece of paper from some rinky-dink college telling me that I know people's minds.
Theory is all well and good, but real-world experience; practical, hands-on experience with people will likely teach you much more. Everybody I knew in high school wanted to be a psychologist, and yet they were the ones who struck me as being out of touch, and ignorant on the matter at hand—whatever it was. And they were likely the ones that caused psychological issues in others in the first place too, at that.
Anyhow, I have come up with several reasons why not everybody likes a pretty boy—not even all women do.
A pretty boy is an attractive male, with above-average looks, perhaps with feminine facial features, who some might regard as being effeminate as far as the way they look or dress. This doesn't necessarily mean that the mannerisms that they display are that of an effeminate male, although it might.
I don't carry a handbag or wave my hand around like a periscope on a submarine, for example, and I like to wear black a lot, instead of bright, flashy colours. Pretty boys are usually not very well built either, but there are exceptions, obviously. Some guys are said to have childbearing hips too. Their legs could be more developed than their upper body is. They're often teased or bullied by other guys because of these traits.
An example of a pretty boy would include the likes of David Beckham, or like the subtitle suggests, Michael Hickenbottom, AKA Shawn Michaels, in his prime during his career, for instance. Some have even called Prince William a pretty boy. Brad Pitt would qualify, for sure.
I'm a good-looking guy. My self-esteem isn't so low that I can't say it. I've always thought myself to be more attractive than a lot of guys, and even some girls, around me. I have long dark blond hair, blue eyes, and a bit of a slender jawline. When I was younger, all the women said I was destined to be a ladykiller one day.
Of course, a ladykiller in this sense isn't a serial killer, but one who seduces women with charm (although Ted Bundy was both). Good looks can definitely help in this matter.
You want a picture of me as proof? Well, no. You'll just have to take my word for it. I had a profile picture up at one point but I started to get hate mail. Not really. Some women (hopefully!) did email me and said that "they liked what they saw"—and of course, my distrustful nature led me to think that there were ulterior motives.
Read More From Pairedlife
With spammers, there always is that possibility. That and I like to remain anonymous. I don't want people getting my picture and looking for me on the streets with a dagger in hand—especially after this article.
"That’s what people always do with beautiful things. They find ways to point out its flaws. It’s human nature to defile and destroy beautiful things."
Why Men Don’t Like Pretty Boys
A guy with long hair usually draws attention, and it isn't always positive. My thoughts on this are that because hair thinning and baldness are common throughout the world, it's likely that people, especially men, become jealous when they see a full head of hair on another guy. And because of my long hair, I've gotten some stares—like in a takeout place years ago, some bald guy with a cap was looking at me. It's obvious.
Another reason why most men don't like an attractive guy that much is because they're threatened. They know that the odds are they will draw a lot of attention from the crowd wherever they go: particularly female attention.
Of course, nowadays, with all these con artists—erm, I mean pickup artists or "PUAs"—around trying to flog their books and so on about how to seduce women and get laid and so on, even an average looking Joe stands a chance—or so they say.
The truth is that good looks are a nice bonus to have to match the self-confidence, self-control, and sense of humour that works on women. That's right, I've heard about the "three S's." Not that I've read the books, however. Why read books when you can get the info for free on the web anyway?
Good looks will get you noticed more than ugly features will. Even women, who are supposed to be less shallow and materialistic (*cough*), will say that a guy should be good-looking when he approaches a woman—otherwise, how will he be able to pull off whatever he has in mind?
I've heard stories about how a good-looking guy would walk into a bar, and immediately guys started walking up to him. Hang on. It's not what it sounds like. It wasn't a gay bar or anything. Please continue reading.
The guys were coming up to him to tell him to stay away from "their" women and even being as gracious as to point them out. A good-looking guy not only makes other men jealous but makes them insecure. This demonstrates it: that a guy would actually feel as though he has to talk to a guy and tell him not to go after his girl just as he walks into the place.
Another reason why a guy might not like an attractive or pretty male is that they think they're gay. This is also such a sign of insecurity and a backward way of thought. For several years now, metrosexuality has been around, and more and more men are taking care of their looks and not "letting themselves go," like the older generations did.
So if one of these guys sees some dude walking around with nice hair, a clear complexion, and maybe even some makeup on, he thinks: "he must be gay." This idea can be reinforced particularly if this guy usually hangs around with other men or if guys who really are gay try to hit on him all the time.
This isn't always the case, though, especially nowadays. I didn't really ever think I was a metro, but then I look at all the creams and products I use. Yes, I suppose I could be . . . like a semi-metro, or something.
I try to take care of myself when I have to. Then again, I haven't had a haircut in over two years. What's the point? It'll grow back anyway, right? I save quite a bit of money in that regard.
Another theory of mine is that the guy who hates on the pretty boy is actually gay himself, or latently homosexual—which means it isn't fully realized yet. He might be attracted to the man in question, and it might even get to the point of having sexual fantasies involving this other man.
This no doubt starts to make him doubt his sexuality, and he might curse the day this other guy was born. So his reaction is, because of how the pretty male has made him feel, he must lash out and do everything in his power to make it known or convince himself that he doesn't like this guy, to make himself feel more masculine, and reassure himself that his heterosexuality is still intact.
These feelings can be exacerbated or made worse if a guy is single and has been for some time, and perhaps if they are misogynistic towards women, perhaps because of their lack of luck in love or lust.
Also, all this stuff that society and the media would have you believe about sexuality can mess with your head and put things out of perspective. It makes the doubts that creep in even worse.
Most men aren't liberal in this matter. They would never admit that they are actually attracted to another man—because "dude, that's gay." Some guys, like David Beckham for instance, are more liberal and can talk about it and be more honest and open about their feelings.
I once read about the scandal surrounding David and that Rebecca "The Floozy" Loos. She claimed he would talk about which men he found attractive and so on. And this was after they'd done the deed too.
It's like the saying: metrosexuals aren't gay, but they're close. Not even all metrosexuals are pretty boys, for that matter.
Women however do this all the time. They look at other women and even kiss each other . . . on the lips. You wouldn't see a lot of men do this.
I remember how this was explored in a sitcom called 'Til Death at one stage, when Eddie, Brad Garrett's character, said that some actor made him experience these weird feelings and that he'd told his wife about it. I've also read about guys who do actually talk to their wives about feeling "hot" about another guy.
It's a male crush, and guys are becoming more and more open about it. There have been some movies and so on about bromance and whatever humourous neologisms they can come up with today, like that one movie, I Love You, Man.
Hell, my dad has even commented before that some guy he met was good-looking. That guy even turned out to be gay, but my dad didn't know it at the time. But my dad has been married for over forty years and has four kids and two grandchildren. See my point? It was completely innocent.
My message to these other close-minded men is that it's the 21st century. It's okay. Whatever the reason why you're attracted to another man—it's okay. Many people are gay or even identify themselves as being bisexual. And the world is gradually becoming more tolerant or even accepting of it.
Even though I've mentioned homosexuals and so on in this article, I don't hate them, and I don't mean to offend them. It's totally up to that person to live their life and do what they want. It's none of my business, and it doesn't affect me much at all, I'll be honest.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you're gay, though, if you find another guy attractive. I don't think so. Because then we'd all be gay. It's a natural thing. You might as well make peace with yourself and just admit that some guys are ugly and unattractive, and some aren't. Some guys are good-looking.
In this society of instant gratification and the "If it feels good, do it" slogan adopted by many, some guys actually follow through with these feelings where others don't. Even then, if a guy sleeps with another guy, they might not be classed as gay. It's "experimentation"—unless too many people find out about it.
I've heard a man say before, and it was quite interesting: "Maybe we're all a bit gay or bisexual inside. Maybe God is, too if we're made in his image."
I didn't say that, just so you know. Don't point the finger at me!
"Another reason why most men don’t like an attractive guy that much is because they’re threatened. They know that the odds are they will draw a lot of attention from the crowd wherever they go: particularly female attention."
Why Women Don’t Like Pretty bBoys
It's partially true that women don't like pretty boys. I know this contradicts a lot of the things I may have said above, and it might well partially prove what they say about women is right after all: that they're not as into looks or physical appearance as men are.
Let me explain.
On one hand, yes—women do like attractive guys. Guys like Brad Pitt, David Beckham, George Clooney, or something like that, or whoever is rated the world's sexiest man alive right now. But the chances of ending up with them are slim, seeing as they are all taken anyway.
But when it comes to the everyday guy that they see, it can be different for some women out there. They might find said guy attractive, but like we've all heard before: beauty is skin deep, and like with pretty women, they automatically think that there's no inner beauty or that they're shallow.
This is because average or ugly women often think the same about beautiful women. Let's just simplify and say that this is how they see anybody who is attractive.
Another reason is this: it has been said that average or ugly-looking guys with the three Ss I mentioned above (self-confidence, self-control, and sense of humour) are perhaps more desirable in the long run than a good-looking guy with said traits. After all, they want to be the pretty ones in the relationship, and if the guy has everything, plus looks, then the woman will look like a side dish in comparison.
He's the whole meal, and she's just a hanger-on, and only temporary at that. Because if he's so good-looking and desirable, then you can bet that you're not the only one who's after him. So it could also boil down to a jealousy thing or feeling threatened as well.
A woman wants a man, and not another woman, in most cases. Pretty men are probably more likely to be sought after for a one-night stand or a temporary fling. And this might be the way these men like it anyway. These women might think that the odds of them ending up with such a guy, especially on a more permanent basis, are not in their favour—especially if they aren't that easy on the eyes themselves.
With pretty women, it might be different. If they're the vacuous type, they might then think because a guy is good-looking, he's also brainless and just cruises on his good looks.
I've also heard some say that it's always the average or ugly guys who end up with the pretty young things. And it comes down to what might humorously be referred to as the law of averages.
The theory is that for every prince out there, there are about nine frogs, if not more. I tried to use some euphemism there, but maybe it didn't work. Average-looking or even ugly people probably outnumber pretty ones by a big margin. I know—harsh. But it's true.
There's also something here that you need to know. Those women are shallow, and they are materialistic. If that guy they're with has money, possessions, and status, then that's why they're with him. Not because of his looks or anything.
Just take comfort in knowing that they'll likely marry that guy, and after a while, they'll divorce him and take half of his hard-earned money. I've seen it happen. It's not just a thing that happens in movies. Money makes it a lot easier to love someone, but it doesn't last as long usually, particularly when there's no prenuptial agreement.
In comparison, if you're an attractive guy, but you're poor and don't have that success, then probably quite a few women wouldn't give you the time of day. They wouldn't stay with you more than one night anyway. Because it's what they call "chick crack": success; status; being able to pay for all their wants and needs.
"They want to be the pretty ones in the relationship, and if the guy has everything, plus looks, then the woman will look like a side dish in comparison. He’s the whole meal, and she’s just a hanger-on, and only temporary at that."
Final Thoughts
Okay, so I've gone through a number of reasons why, if you happen to be a good-looking guy, people might not like you. Of course, you can argue that these are just theories concocted from a paranoid, delusional mind. Whatever makes you sleep better at night. But I know about these things because I've encountered them in my life and experienced them—on both ends.
In explaining this, I also hope to reach out to these haters and try to tell them that there are deep-seated reasons why you don't like that attractive guy you always see. You might not actually hate him at all. You're just making it seem that way. It probably has a lot more to do with you than him.
I'm a pretty boy. I'm not well-liked. I'm used to it. I don't like most people either.
“They say that pretty boys don’t age well. That’s only because ugly guys don’t have that much to lose in the first place anyway.”
— Anti-Valentine
© 2010 Anti-Valentine
Comments
Chris on August 15, 2020:
I'm inclined to believe it's all in your head. Rob Lowe was the ultimate pretty boy when he was younger but he enjoyed it because people were fascinated about his looks as in how can one loon so flawless and perfect? No eye bags not even a poor everything dewy and chiseled. Just not human. No one would have ever gone up to him and said bro you think you're a beautiful? Lol
The fact that you don't want to post a picture says a lot. I'd your truly good looking who gives a shit about haters? Put yourself out there. You're probably controversial looking and that could be a trigger for some. Or you aren't actually that pretty but you carry yourself as if you are and that puts people off. Either way I call BS on your article. Have a nice day.
AVERAGEJOE on June 23, 2020:
Im glad there are a lot of fat and ugly people in the world, it makes me feel better about myself.
Israel Achu on February 09, 2020:
Attractive ppl should realize that their presence intimidates and threatens at lot of ppl. The more success you gain in life, the more you have to deal with insecure haters and narcissists that see you as a threat. This also applies to attractiveness and you have to very careful who you associate with because I have grown up experiencing ppl trying to sabotage and put me down because of my looks. Most women are insecure around a guy who is very attractive or looks better than them. Ppl assume that we can get females easily which is obviously a myth and fail to realize that most women act passive aggressive or ignore guys like us because we are perceived as players. The true reality is that most females are having sex and relationships with average and ugly guys and a small percentage of women only want to deal with guys like us. Guys are very hostile and jealous of you because they assume that your life is very easy when they have no clue about what they are talking about. I have had men instigate and try to sabotage me just because I looked better than them. They always assume that you can get any girl that you want when the truth is the exact opposite and love to project their insecurities onto you. When are handsome, ppl perceive you as a target and threat due to the inferiority complex that they have.
Faeez on January 07, 2020:
I look very much like mother and she's very beautiful, so everyone either hates me because they think I'm stuck up or they hate me for not being stuck up not living up to their idea of what I should be like because of my appearance. I've actually been made fun of alot as a child for having straight teeth, nice hair, nice eyebrows and skin and then I realized how people hide jealousy in jokes. I never asked to be pretty and people's opinions haven't bothered me ever since, the part about men disliking you because you provoke their insecurities are so true I experience it often. Woman always see me as a fling and nothing more, I had one long term relationship that lasted 4 years, again you speaking truth, no matter how hard she tried people would always tell me I can do better but, which is true but people are evil. The same people who was telling me that was trying to get her, besides looks she was one of the most attractive girls on school, personality wasn't lacking anything at all but there was always that part about trust, always thinking I'll cheat because even her friends had crushes on me. But other than that I've struggled to find someone who saw me as a person and not a popularity step, it's hard when people see you as an object and not a person
rashaun on December 31, 2019:
just had a guy hate on me for the million time for taking to a girl i never talk to this guy some men are closet homo
Nadir on December 11, 2019:
Man.This really is a thing.Some of the experiences shared here are pretty fucked up.
Here's my take :
Live your life.Fuck everyone else and their opinions.Just do you, always do you.Don't tone it down, unless it literally puts you in shit.Be the greatest version of yourself.No amount of money or anything can make you keep your head up like self respect.
I have not encountered such harsh situations despite being called good looking but have had my fair share of jealousy, bullying for my metrosexual tendencies , unwarranted aggressive pursuit from both genders and the obvious one i.e the are you gay? thing.There are things that have helped me out though.First is a sense of purpose.I don't live to please God, society or anyone, even my own folks.I live for myself, have an idea of what I like, want and hope to achieve.This gives me the drive to forget most of the bullshit.
Secondly;a healthy measure of arrogance thanks to Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead (an excellent read if you ask me.I read it annually).By healthy arrogance I mean implicit arrogance i.e arrogance derived from your self worth based on how much you really know yourself.This is not the arrogance that screams "do you know how many cars I have, how hot the chicks I screw are...?e.t.c.This is an unspoken arrogance which enables you not to take shit (undeserved nor unsolicited) from ANYONE!!!!This is also improved by working on yourself in all possible ways e.g I've always been a geek but one thing that hit me is that book smarts are distinct from the type of thinking paramount to guaranteeing my wellbeing and success in this life.That's why I took up chess, a couple of language courses and an learning about psychology, a few psychology hacks here and there and finally putting myself out there to get a taste of the way of the world.These things have improved the aforementioned issue and have given me a new way of thinking and seeing the world.Working on one's weaknesses indeed does wonders.
The third thing is realizing these problems seem to be trivialties in relation to others.I'm sure we can all tell someone we know who has surmounted far greater odds which were actually life threatening.I like a quote by El Che which goes like " I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees.
Another thing that helps is realizing that other groups apart from good-looking people also face....whatever the fuck this is.Intellectually gifted people can give stories of their tribulations that may in many ways ressemble the ones we face.
Cheer up guys, no pity parties.We are men, we can do anything.
Fellipe on November 06, 2019:
I’m a so called pretty boy. Honestly you go with the flow. I’m an antisocial person, so I say screw anybody who has a problem. People need to respect others more. Doesn’t matter if that person is overly hot, or ugly.
JJ on July 03, 2019:
I am one of those so called " pretty boys " and I couldn't agree more with this article. I dress well, workout a lot, have a good persoanlity, i'm not overly tall ( 6 feet exact )
The amount of crap I get at bars is annoying and when I hang around my straight guy friends who are slobs and super masculine I get comments thrown at me all the time. Those guys are obviously extremely insecure in their own bodies and image but its still really irritating! And then dating is really weird. People have catcalled me in public. It seems like the only place I feel comfortable is around the gays because they are just like me - dress well, good looking, take care of themselves.
You are right on target about the older generations letting themselves go. Can't tell you how many older, fat bald guys try to fight me all the time there is. They have bellies the size of Texas and Most of them are probably threatened by me but little do they know I wrestled for many years and fought in mixed martial arts too. They are such easy targets and I could be a dick to them if I wanted to and make them hate their lives but I don't.
Ahhhhhh... the problems with being good looking in this world. Great article man.
Anonymous on April 10, 2019:
Well I'm also a pretty boy and I ain't gay at all. I have being bullied for that and not liked by the girls I like. I get more approaches by gay man than woman. I thought I was the only one. For me being a pretty boy with brains has been a coursed, I can get well in all aspects of society, but when it comes to getting the hottest girl, the rather date a gangster looking guy , a fat guy, or an ogly guy with money. I have dated few hot woman in my life and didn't know why, I guess that my features are not well liked by gorgeous woman, but still haven't lost the hope .
JW on March 06, 2019:
I have a couple of guy friends who are average looking in the face department but pretty muscular and tough otherwise and they HATE pretty men, and its even worse if they have been drinking.
Once intoxicated, they really get out of hand and purposely look for pretty guys to torment. Usually its just typical guy slap down kind of talk, but then it got worse.
One night, at the club, one said to the other, "lets mess up some pretty boy face tonight", to which the other said, "F yeah"! I knew they were serious, but I didn't know what to do. I ended up telling the club manager that they were really drunk and I feared violence.
The club manager and a barback talked to them, very cool like, and then called them an uber and sent them home. I thought the worst was over, but that is not how the night ended.
The guys happened to see a very attractive man get out of a BMW at a valet parking station down the road from the club. They made the uber driver stop and they then proceeded to start pounding on this guy right in front of the valet parking station and the valet parking crew. The police were called, but not before the guys had broken this innocent man's nose, jaw and one cheek bone. The really crazy thing is that both got off with probation and community service because they had no police record. They claimed someone spiked their drinks with Flakka making them go crazy, BS There are guys out there like this, its really scary. I wish I knew how that poor man they attacked is doing but I can't find any information
Carbuyer123 on March 05, 2019:
I’ve had this harassment issue where people says nasty shit and sometimes take photos. Going on for last five years won’t go away. I’m a lawyer so didn’t want to ever just punch them.
Anyway I wasn’t brought up to deal with this kind of weirdness.
Last incident was when I was climbing at the gym yserday and some guy I think took a picture of me and then went off and made a sound and then went back to a girl.
Funny thing is I can never get a date. I think the weirdness of other people’s interest pushes people away. New friendships very hard.
I’m supposed to be going to play with a few friends but tbh I think this shitty circus is going to follow me around and I can’t face it. Can’t face airports.
I think they are tracking me somehow or there is some group like on Instagram that is about me. I can’t escape whatever I do.
I can even climb in peace.
Its a pity I couldn’t make my life into a happy one but I think if you’re shy already and then you get this very public issue always going on now sure how you’re supposed to deal. I can’t snymore.
Carbuyer123 on February 03, 2019:
Ok so I posted before. I set up a website and had contact from at least one guy with this problem. Well it was interesting. But basically it doesn’t fix my problem.
I’m 45 years old and still get insulted like Raji mentions insulted below. It used to be 100s like everyone had a comment now fortunately it’s just a few but it’s still quite horrible and embarrassing and very much still an issue. I now only go climbing every day, unemployed at the moment, and on that journey I maybe get one or two comments that are nasty and horrible. I get less of the nice attention now don’t care for self and older but less attention overall so that is more calm. Point is I am still not free to go anywhere or do anything. This is despite getting fat to try and avoid these hassles. I don’t think I am going to go on much further as I don’t see the point.
I was going to play golf abroad with friends for a few days but frankly I can’t deal with this circus which follows.
It seems impossible to have a relaxing life and I am sick of it. For some reason I am usually an optimist but I am planning now to stop. I was going to try taking steroids to see if they may age me but I feel at the end of the line this time. I have tried so many other things in the past and they never changed anything so I don’t suppose that would change much. It’s seems due to my bone structure I am stuck with the hate for life. I never fought people in these situations as I am a lawyer firstly but secondly how can you fight several people a day or more? Sometimes it’s one after another in the road.
I wanted to connect with other people with this issue as I figured they could understand might help etc anyway everyone is very spread out.
Good luck to you and maybe try lifting with roids like trenbolone till you’re huge is my only suggestion and last thing I didn’t try. I had ordered the stuff and was actually going to start a cycle as my next crazy scheme to change my life’s fortunes but have lost interest and going to put other exit plan into operation that I also developed over the last couple of years as life quality has been especially bad over the last few years.
I think if you’ve got the three s referred to in the article maybe you can deal with anything. But that’s not me. I am pretty peaceful and expect other people to be. Instead I am cast in a movie that is a gritty dystopia and I am supposed to fight my way through and over the bodies or rude men or women... its just horrible. So anyway good luck.
Raji on December 12, 2018:
I use to hear pretty women complain about this sh*t all the time, not knowing how truly disgusting and evil the practice of hating-on and despising attractive people is until it happened and continues to happen to me. Never in a million years did I think that men would stoop to the level of being jealous of other man's looks but men have proven to be even worst than women in this department. While a woman will be passive aggressive and catty in their jealousy and bullying, men are openly hostile, aggressive and even violent in their aggressions against hot guys. While many are keen on labeling pretty boys as 'gay', what's more feminine to me is the thought of a grown ass man concerning himself on what I look like and who I sleep with or what type of clothes I where to the point that they are insecure. I thought WOMEN were the ones who cared about beauty?
And no, you are not crazy or imagining things (its true) because men are the worst offenders when it comes to being jealous of other men. Why do you think so many of us found your blog? This happens so frequently that I had to search the internet for a perspective. Coming from a small town, I knew I was hot but I never made a big deal out of it and neither did anyone else. Yeah, I got free food when I went to restaurants, and young girls giggled in the mall but it was never something so serious that I would fear for my safety. Once I moved to Washington, DC, boy did I get the reality check of my life when it comes to ignorant, hateful and insecure ass men. Despite DC being the capital and crawling with attractive people, mostly men (all the hot women are in NYC, LA and MIA) - you would think that most would not bat an eye to seeing an attractive guy - WRONG. When I tell you these guys up here are the kings of haters of hot men, nothing compares to the relentless and pathetic jealousy that these scumbags spew up here.
When I first moved to DC, I could not figure out why I kept almost getting into verbal and physical altercations with men everywhere I went. From my car being vandalized 7 times, to multiple road rage incidents, to getting harassed by police and bar bouncers to even getting shoved, flipped off and harassed: I have experienced it all with these pathetic fools. I even walked into a Subway, took one look at a fat, hating Mexican behind the counter and he literally took a booger out of his nose and wiped it on his gloves when he saw me. And what makes it worse, these men up here openly display their hate and jealousy when hot guys are around. Damn, I thought it was shameful to openly display jealousy and insecurity in the midst of other people but these men do not care who sees their cowardly behavior. It happens so frequently, that I can spot a hater from a mile away. They look angry, crowd your space, give you dirty looks and really put a lot of energy into letting you know that they are jealous of you. Like many of the other commenters said, it got so bad that I intentionally downplayed my looks by gaining weight, not shaving and dressing sloppily but that only gave them something to talk about at work: "wow, you see that guy - he dresses like a bum... he has no social skills, etc". And women are not too far behind. OMG, its like a constant battle against angry women fighting for your attention and then treating you like crap one you don't submit to their advances. I have pissed so many women off at my job who want to sleep with me or did not get the attention from me that they believed they deserve that they have formed a persecution mob against me. It's so bad that I went and bought a wedding ban (to pretend like I am engaged) just to keep them at bay. These people go out of their way to disrespect and harass hot men and it really makes no sense at all to me, as I have come to really resent these trashy, low life people. Now, everything I do must be carefully planned from how I dress, to what I say, my facial expressions and even where I go. I cant go to the gym without some hating ass dudes nearby loudly dropping weights or trying to start a fight; I cant go to the corner store without some asshole blocking my car in; I cant go to the supermarket without a gaggle of women following me around the store; hell I cant sit on the metro without a team of young girls making a spectacle of themselves. Every female manager I have ever had has tried to sleep with me, and lets not talk about the countless male executives I have pissed off for not sleeping with them. GIVE ME a BREAK. Its disgusting and makes no sense that people would put so much time and energy into a person's looks. I even started to where hats, hoodies, sunglasses and other head and face coverings just to get through the day without some jealous ass incident taking place. It got to the point where I started feeling self conscious about who was going to get upset about how good I looked, and I said ENOUGH is ENOUGH. I refuse to spend the last precious few years of my youth stressed about what some hatin asshole thinks about the way I look. I recently lost the weight, I have started to gain the buff look back; shaved and motherfuckers are good and mad and I DONT care. People pretend like they are not aware but most see if often but no one does anything about it. I see hatin ass dudes huffing and puffing and balling their fists up and spitting at the ground, etc and I walk right past them with a calm smile on my face. My motto is "a man reaps what he sows." Whatever negative energy you put out will come back to you, a firm believer in karma. Envy is a sin, a disgusting one at that, and I almost feel sorry for the sacks of shit who get up everyday with a chip on their shoulder for the guy who was blessed with good looks. I am not the most super hot guy in the world but I am not the worst looking either. And believe it or not, most hot guys are not full of themselves and just want to be normal people. The fact that so many people ( I sometimes get hundreds of haters a day) go out of their way to try and ruin the quality of life of people who have done nothing to them spells terrible karma for their and or their children. Just know that one day: it may be your kid who is bullied for being attractive. And for the dudes out their who have to put up with this nonsense day in and out: just know that they losers and haters will get due justice. Let god and the universe handle them and you stay fly. Also, never underestimate a hater. I open carry and always keep protection on me, just in case. You do the same. Never underestimate the lengths a loser will go through to bring you down to earth. Keep protection on you, watch your surroundings and love who you are. People have become evil, disgusting, cowardly and unabashed in their hate during these times, but there's their burden and karma to pay, not yours.
Arun on November 21, 2018:
All your experiences are far better than mine! My experience is very painful, and I am experiencing it till date. I am 35 now, but look anywhere in between 27-29. A soft spoken men! I am from a very lower middle class family! Not a Greek god though... But have heard people saying I am the best looking person born in the entire family from 2 generations! Surprisingly, my even in my school and college days ( till now) No batch mate could compete with my looks!
Right from my college (10+3) days I had such bitter experiences, where an below average Friends. They have even assaulted me for no reason! I have suffered pain and Insult in front of others wondering why did they do that?! The girls whom they were trying to hit were behind me, was the reason!
Sometimes... Even girls would feel low in front of me and would say, "You will get very beautiful girl" Even if we like - u may not like us! As u are very smart and we may not match you... Say good bye and leave!
The worst part is... Unable to bare my looks and girls love for me... They started to pass filthy comments In front of the girls and other college mates... that I was a "Gay" so that all girls and friends avoid me! The are I stances... Where many men tried to molest me! Even till date I am leading a lonely life... With no friends or family! To all your surprise, my wife herself feels I was very better than her and said she feels inferior! Now my confidence has become e so low that I have stopped grooming! Living a painful life taking the title - GAY!
spacelogik on October 12, 2018:
I can relate with the author on so many levels that I'm afraid I might run out of space to type.
I realized a few years ago that I had lucked out in the pretty-boy gene pool. I'm a light skinned Indian guy with a fitness model type physique with long eye lashes and dark straight hair. I would describe myself as a guy who does not have a problem with anyone in this world and who just likes to mind his own business and continue towards his path of purpose.
I've lived in San Francisco for 4 years where I've noticed that it's very hard to spot a good looking guy or I should say good looking people in general. Whenever I was out and about I would try to look around to see If I could spot someone whose actually good looking according to the societal standards just so I could see what the guy's reaction would be if he see's me too. I've met some good looking guys who were down to earth and who didn't have a problem with other good looking guys but then I also met some good looking guys who could not control their aggression and jealousy towards me. I just couldn't understand sometimes why they were behaving in such a manner. I used to think to myself if something was wrong with me or if they just thought I was irritating and annoying. In someway I started doubting myself everyday which created a deep hole in my confidence and self-esteem. I've aways been a really confident guy but somewhere down the road I lost all my confidence when people started acting really hostile towards me.
It affected my confidence so bad that I used to stop myself from going out so that I could avoid any confrontations with people. Whenever I go to the grocery store, safeway, walmart or to the gym, girls look at me in the eye and make it super obvious that they'd like me to approach them which is all well and good but how am I supposed to keep a low profile when I'm the center of attention and especially when I'm not in a right place mentally? I'm not going to talk about random aggressive jealous guys anymore since a lot of people have covered that topic here but I'm going to tell you something even more disturbing than that.
A few months ago I was visiting a friend in New York city whom I haven't seen in a couple years. I can say that he was one of my good friends who knew everything about me. We decided to head out for the night to a few bars in Brooklyn.While we were at the subway station waiting for the train, girls started flocking around us and made it super obvious that they'd like to be approached by me. To me this was quite common but by judging from the expression on my friends face I could clearly tell he was SUPRISED and BUTTHURT to see the attention I was getting from the girls. I tried to play it cool and pretended like I didn't know what was going on in his head. We lett the subway and finally reached a bar in Brooklyn where I got hit on by a very attractive girl while making my way into the bar to which I was very receptive. We bar hoped and found a laid-back low profile bar in a busy boorklyn area. We sat down and to just hang there and catch up until suddenly a group of three girls walked in and started asking us if we had any after hours venue suggestions. The girl was looking at me and and asking me all these questions to which I just kept smiling back at her but my friend wouldn't even let me open my mouth so that I can talk to the girl. My friend has a very chode game and cannot pick up girls to save his life so she just looked at me and at that moment I could tell that she knew what was going on so she just left with her friends. It was a fun night but after that day we never spoke to each other. To this day he did not try to contact me but I never let it effect me.
This other time I visited a friend in Vancouver whom I haven't seen in 4 years and who I consider to be my best friend. Even in my wildest dreams I did not expect him to behave the way he behaved during that visit. His behavior was very abnormal and strange. I was baffled to see how my best could do this to me? I left Vancouver with a very deep scar and I can say that my friendship with him will never be same after that visit.
I'm 27 now and it took me 26 years to realize that people are very petty and jealous. They try to bring you down at any chance they get. Now, that I know people's motive and their jealousy towards good looking people. After reading this article and going through all the comments I can finally relax and take a deep breath because I always thought that there was something wrong with me when infant there is something horribly wrong with world we live in.
My fellow good looking brothers do not let people manipulate you or effect you in any way. We should remain confident and strong and never let people bring us down!
Carbuyer123 on September 20, 2018:
I hope the author doesn’t think I am spamming his page but I am going through some shit and have been all my life and I am just trying to express myself. So here is a little story I wrote that seems to encapsulate how I feel. I mean truth is humans are all bisexual if you are a bit too good looking it can really cause you a lot of confusion and unhappiness as you don’t know who you are supposed to be with. Anyway his encapsulates it. It is just reality I think for me.
Did you know how powerful thoughts are. They can destroy you and other people. Sometimes they come along it's just impossible to deal with. So we invent a bunch of bullshit to cope with how we really feel. Is it sad, shitty annoying that is how it is? Doesn't really matter does it since it's just a fact.
So there's this guy. He's absolutely perfect and everyone hates him for it. But he doesn't really care cos he's actually got quite large perfectly formed balls and doesn't care about all the shit people throw at him.
He knows people in this world are broken. I mean they are fucked up. They all have so many personal zombies buried at the bottom of the ocean that can hardly move or turn on the TV in case it brings their personal zombies back to life. Too much growth.
So fat boy here isn't fat. He’s really slim. Just like he's just walking out of some perfection chamber and his shit doesn't smell at all. But he doesn't care because he is who he is.
So he walks up to this other guy who's like really tall but kind of pretty wearing a blazer and tie and he's like. You know this is going to taste like kissing an ashtray but I know you're going to enjoy it. And he kisses him right in the face. Now blazer boy doesn't really know quite what to do but he really enjoys it. I mean really, really enjoys it. It's delicious. Like sprite and ice and a line of cocaine all in one swift move. So he goes with it.
So pretty boy. We'll call him pretty boy cos that's what he is. He says. I guess you like the taste of ashtrays then? Blazer boy is like, yes. I don't smoke but you still taste good. Pretty boy is like ok what do I do now?
So he goes on down the road. He's approaches this really tall blond lady. I mean she is a damn princess and he's like so er darling do you think I am a sweet shop? Cos I do stock plenty candy and you look to me like you got a sweet tooth and a bad craving. How about you show me what kind of brown sugar you taste like? And he snogs her face for a bit. She tastes like garlic. It's nice though. Her breasts heave against his chest and he gets a massive boner. She's like fuuuuuuck. I really want to take you home and have your babies. He's like well I have to save that for a bit cos I don’t know what I am doing but hold that thought.
Then he walks down the street. Walks right past a couple that are quite pretty. So he says. You look like the perfect couple of idiots for me. I mean you're just too damn cute. Both of you have the kind of fuck me expressions that I really like to see, with the curled up toes and just for that I'd like to play mummies and daddy with you have you ever thought about adoption? Because I'd sure like to be your baby.
And they're are like. Damn. Never thought about that before. How strange is that like we are supposed to take this guy home and fuck him together? Is that even a concept? And he's says you two dumbasses I don't got at all day. Fuck you for now. I'll give you a minute to think about it and get back to you.
So he walks on down the street. He meets a labrador there and it's so furry and nice and the labrador is so loving and nice. Just a perfect dog. And he keeps on walking. Why couldn't life just be like dogs. They appear to be so simple. Of course they aren't but it just looks like that.
Then he's like what am I supposed to do with this life. I mean it's so damn confusing. Who am I really supposed to be fucking? I mean what is this already. What is this life and this box that I am inside?
Ok so what is the purpose of life? It is to express yourself however that may be. If you aren't doing that then you aren't doing very well. Not being true to yourself. What is being true to myself?
Well just need to have a few adventures and then I guess settle down. Cos after a while we all get tired. Just want someone you love.
But meantime while I'm 20 I'm going to have some fun. If I can handle it. I mean it's not without it's difficulties. How do you kiss a boy and not draw too much attention to yourself. That's hard. But not for this pretty boy cos he's a bit of an asshole. I mean luckily enough for him as otherwise he'd be really fucked up. Cos it's a dog eat dog world and if you aren't an asshole then someone else is going to mess you up.
You need to live your life be true to yourself, get as much shagging done as you can, fulfill your fantasies all without being considered to be a complete bastard while also being enough of a bastard such that you don't attract lots of people giving you shit.
What's that about then? That's human relationships. Cos they are pretty confusing. Lots of things you can't say or do. Thing is though. The overiding principle? It's all about confidence. I mean if you got that then you can literally do anything. I mean you can shag anything anywhere anytime (not that you'd want to if you're in love) be pretty callous about it I imagine provided you do it in the right bastardly way. Sounds a bit off but that is where it's at. Gotta be tough enough and take your chances.
I mean if you don't do that you may as well be living at the bottom of the sea for all the interest you will have in your life.
But of course in fact realty is pretty boy doesn't do any of this stuff because he is repressed and life is just too damn hard and confusing.
Carbuyer123 on September 19, 2018:
Ok so I’ve been doing a lot of writing recently like these words just keep pouring out of me like just writing non stop 13000 words a day and not sleeping.
This is due to me smoking a joint for the first time in 20 years and getting back in touch with my feelings. So when I was at school I was a pretty boy, still get all the shit from that that you know so well although it’s a bit easier, then I’ve been trying to get dates been on a few none working out.
Then when I got stoned I suddenly felt so broken. I was like when have I been most happy in my life? And it was when I was at school with a pretty boy who I was totally in love with. He asked me out basically there were a lot of difficult situations with friends all falling in love with me and it ruined my life so I just shut down. I wasn’t gay had women too but I was shy too.
So there is lots I could say but the main point is I realised when I was around that boy there were always fireworks going off in my head the whole time but even though there was an offer on the table, I couldn’t take it cos that would mean I’d be opening myself up to other people maybe thinking I was interested in them too which I wasn’t so it was just impossible to do anything about it.
Now I’m like 44 still got the same problem in that I don’t really fit very well into the mainstream but now I find I feel so terribly alone. It’s like I really feel so sad that guy left me to live his life! I mean he made an offer and I didn’t take it. Anyway who knows where it would have led but basically I just could not compute. In those kind of circumstances at the time I just figured life is hard enough as it is without going down that path. Don’t want to go there. I mean I would have done literally anything this guy asked but I didn’t want to ruin his or my life. Seems he wasn’t bothered I mean I really do not understand at all what the hell is going on.
I could probably write a book on how I feel inside a week, but there’s no point writing so much so to cut a long story short I think that I should try a gay relationship with a pretty boy as that is how I was once nearly happy at least he was the person that made me most happy in my life by a very long way to be honest.
So I went to tinder to set up a profile with a picture of someone who looks like me went through 100 photos and there was no one I liked. I mean no one at all. I was a bit sad.
I have emailed the dating consultancy I was using and told them to switch things around maybe...but basically there just aren’t many pretty boys around. How do you meet one is my question or what would you do?
Anyway this is so weird but this one page on the internet is the only one where I feel I am understood it’s like no one even understands anything about what my life is like except here. Otherwise you start talking about this kind of stuff and you’ll just be asking to be misunderstood and criticised.
So I have posted here and never got any reply really from other posters so I don’t know if there is a point posting but I have to express myself and I am only able to do that normally by writing just can’t say or do the stuff I want just too damn hard. I guess the shyness has always been my real and bigger problem. Just like a block of stone!!! So fucking annoying.
Yeah so I made some other posts before and there is an email in there if you got any advice or please post here as I have notifications set up. I wish someone would set up a support group for pretty boys I mean the shit is really worth sharing. So damn alone in this.
oceans1888 on September 19, 2018:
I like pretty boys. Not the american type. To me, brad pitt isn't pretty at all. I would describe him as the manly type - which isn't my style. But I like the smooth hairless skin, and cute faces of asian men. Like the korean kpop boy bands.
Pretty boys are treated differently in asia because being a pretty boy is the ideal look in Korea/China. So they aren't ashamed of being pretty.
But in the west, being an alpha and macho kind of guy is more ideal so there's hostility towards pretty men.
I've always been attracted to pretty boys, since I was young. I like guys with pretty and cute/ young looking faces.
I'm asian american and I wish that pretty looks are popular here too. I'm a pretty asian girl with a cute or "kawaii" type of face/small body and I like guys who look like me LOL. Or a guy version of pretty but also really cutesy faced.
A good example of the kind of look I like is the actor Yuki Furukawa.
Carbuyer123 on August 28, 2018:
If I can post another comment. I would like to say to user Guildenstern that I too only realised how basically evil people are when I was about 42, now 44.
And that it is a relief to find other sufferers.
When you are younger you refuse to believe what you are hearing. Then after you reach a certain age you just get sick of it and kind of find then that it is a reality and that your life is not an easy one and there is nothing you can do about it. Wherever you go you will encounter people that cannot deal with it and make your life really difficult.
I was told by someone who I met through the website I set up in 2015 that it gets better with age. For me it is slightly easier now but not much. Only the edge has come off but the problem is still there. So I really hope to get some help with this.
It kind of amazes me that there are people who posted on this page about six years ago saying it makes them feel better knowing someone else has the same problem.
For me that is nowhere near covering this problem. It is ridiculous that for a problem that must affect a lot of people globally there is only this page dedicated to it. It is a very useful summary of the problem but doesn’t go far enough.
I am sure if we work together we can do more to help each other on an ongoing basis than just identifying the issue. Really the fact is most of the people with this issue have a lot of capital but they can hardly spend it as they are getting attacked all the time.
Maybe there are other things one could do about it too.
I don’t think doing nothing about it is a very good approach.
Carbuyer123 on August 28, 2018:
Sorry I tried to edit my comment as the webpage I typed up was wrong.
Here is the correct one.
toogoodlooking.simplesite.com
Carbuyer123 on August 28, 2018:
Hi
I posted just now.
I have been having a particularly difficult last four years. I posted here back in 2015. I have now realised I should be putting more effort into finding people with the same problem as at least they will understand and maybe we will share something together. Maybe not but if there is a chance I have to focus on that. I feel there is so much potential that I am missing out on and have basically been completely thwarted and wonder if a friendship with someone who has experienced the same horrible crap in their life might be quite amazing.
I mean I am quite a lovely guy and yet I can’t communicate well with a large percentage of the population (plus am lied about a lot!) due to the elephant that is always in the room which is sexual attraction. As someone posted below it just makes it all really awkward. People just cannot deal with it if someone or other or they themselves are attracted to your face...how then can you live your life normally. You can’t...you have to twist and turn and try but in the end it is futile. Lucky we have old friends I guess.
So I say we should try hanging out with people who have the same issue. I think it could be great might be amazing even. Maybe not as there is a spectrum so some people’s issues will be quite different I guess.
But I have found it really difficult to make new friends and would like to see if I can meet people like me.
So I created this website which is a summary of the issue and an email address. But if I can find enough people I would like to make it an exclusive community for guys with this problem. As, shit, I think we deserve something like that where one would have a sense of belonging that is otherwise not found in society! Fuck it you know exactly what I mean! And if you don’t know what I mean then you don’t have this problem as you aren’t getting mean, awkward and ridiculous comments directed at you all the time from people you don’t even know.
https://v4.simplesite.com/#/pages/440653495?editmode=false
Carbuyer123 on August 28, 2018:
I posted here and made a wordpress blog in 2015 which I posted below but closed it down as I was getting harassed.
It is so true about most people being unable to cope with a man with a too good looking or pretty face. I actually prefer to see attractive faces but can hardly get laid or meet people due to all the horribleness and snide and unpleasant comments. I used to get the problem with girls saying he’s so cute then that being horribly shut down none of which was elicited in my side.
My life is horrible as I can’t find any friends and can hardly get a date.
I set up the blog before as I wanted to connect with other sufferers which sort of worked but then I closed it as I was really getting harassed. I tried to kill my self last year as I am just sick of being treated horribly by the general population for no reason.
I say we pretty boys should stick together or at least help each other out a bit rather than just suffer with all this stupid jealous motivated hatred.
I wish I didn’t still have this problem at 44 but I get still get this shit whenever I am walking around anywhere in the world. People behave in evil ways due to their own jealousy or shortcomings and since they are legion you can’t deal with them all. That is the truth that you cannot share with anyone in the world apart from on this one small page of the enormous internet. It is very lonely.
How sad and shit is that.
Please email me on this email address I set up
kk74e@boun.cr
I am in London but wherever you go in the world there is no peace. I would like to connect with people with the same problem and I wonder why there isn’t a support group for this. Is it because we are incompetent or what? Wtf this is a real issue for a segment of the population and we shouldn’t have to suffer alone.
Guildenstern on May 19, 2018:
What a relief to find other sufferers! I was 42 before I finally understood how petty and cruel most humans are, and have been, to me. Men at work have continually screwed me over, and women gossiped endlessly, and spread rumors that were unkind. I have dated both beautiful and ugly women. Let's say 9s, and 2s. Appearance isn't the most important thing. I have a philosophy to always compliment those I meet, or at least, think something nice about them in my head. I no longer feel others practice this. When I meet a man, I expect him to justify the worst possible opinion of me, in order to feel superior. When I meet a woman, I think the only way she'll have a good opinion of me is if I am taken, and have arm candy. Otherwise, her brain just kind of implodes with all the possibilities. Am I an available jerk, an unavailable cheating liar, a shallow egomaniac, an arrogant narcissist too full of himself to even try to get to know her? All my life I've been either called arrogant, or categorized as such without being confronted. All because I'm apparently ridiculously good looking (according to some standard -- I have always hated my appearance and avoid mirrors and photos)(why? because I am hated. For how I look. how I look fills me with disgust and anger. I don't want to see the face that is so offensive to others). I have spent years off work refusing to leave the house for fear that people would see me. Everyone is always staring. I HATE IT! In high school I developed a habit of walking to class with my eyes firmly glued to my shoes, because I couldn't stand all the damn looks I got. Everybody always looking looking looking. I can't think when people look at me. I have ADHD it's hard to think anyway. But when people are constantly looking at me, judging me, saying unkind things about me because I'm too stuck up to give anyone the time of day... it has made me so crazy. I mean for F sake. I refuse to say anything unkind about anyone. I believe in universal respect and kindness. I don't care about making money. I don't even care about getting a beautiful girl. And like another poster has said before me, maybe that's what really infuriates non-attractive men. That I don't care about looks, or money, or any of that BS. I'm not obsessed with this materialistic world. I appreciate a sunny sky, but then I also enjoy looking at mud puddles. Who are all these judgers that make the world a living hell??
Kiwi on May 15, 2018:
Mate.. good read so true this is me all the way. People wanting to level me every day. The best way I deal with that crapp is be very selective who I hang out with... There are always jealous people out there and they love to crush you.. stay tall and laugh at them in your head.
Nick on May 01, 2018:
I know exactly what you mean. . . I've been treated badly by people ( Both Men/ women) because of my looks. ..I see them whispering, talkin' shit about me and even catch them looking at me. I've been sexually assaulted at age 9 lasting well over a year or so and was told recently "Put-out, or get out!" I asked, "Are You Joking?!" Well, I guess you know the answers to that. Anyway; this BS has been going on all my life and totally depletes my quality of life feeling vulnerable to cruel mean people! Friends I once thought were truly sincere did a complete 180° turn around on me as they treated me horribly, became jealous, and denied my accusations when confronted as I called them out on it! "The Hell With'em, I get hit on by several men/women on dating sites, I received over 2,763 email messages in a 2 month span to see outta curiosity how many I'd get. .. Reason why is cuz my phone never stopped ringing the notification sound! And yet, others are cruel, mean ass holes!
CLR on January 10, 2018:
I can empathize with this whole article and many of the comments. I have a lot the same experiences and it's a mental war just trying to keep sane. All the experiences have slowly put me in a secluded shell of depression and pessimism. My article on my experiences and my thoughts would be just as long or longer...but just knowing there's others going through what I go through has made it better already. Thanks....
Not bad guy on December 27, 2017:
The post is a little long but good job.
Another reason why some woman will hate you after they show interest in the beginning,because some girl will assume themselves are attractive and try to approach you or expect you to treat them differently like all the other guys do. But you’ve already had the experiences so your standard is higher than usual People. By treating these woman just slightly not what they expected will hurt their ego and they will hate you for that.
michael on October 01, 2017:
People claim I am a pretty boy.
DeenOohhhhhhh on September 25, 2017:
Seems spot-on.
Growing up, though, I never considered myself good looking. I was a chubby kid for a long time, and I'm dark, southern European, and kinda exotic looking. I had always assumed the girls all wanted the tall, blonde, "American" types with muscles and a square jaw line; but I didn't really care since I was unsociable by nature, a skater, and had "nerd" hobbies that took up most of my time. I just left it at that.
But as I got taller and thinner in high school, things started to change. I started getting more attention from girls. My friends' girlfriends would try to talk to me all the time. One friend admitted to me that most of the girls he knew wanted to f*** me and often remarked about how smart and good-looking I was.
I noticed girls staring at me all the time and giggling amongst themselves. A few times a car with girls pulled over as I was walking and asked me some random question like, "Do you know the time?" I was young and never really "got" what their intentions were. One time I said "Sorry, I don't" to the above question, and they said "You *are* sorry!" and sped off laughing. LOL
Stuff like this still happens to this day (I'm 45 now), but not as much as before. I'm still fit, have a full head of hair, and look 15 years younger (often still get carded). Good looking women have approached me at bars, and I often date girls much younger (a couple in their mid twenties) than me. A woman told me once that I'm about an "8" LOL
Many men (and even lesbians sometimes!?), however, will try to mess up my day. I'm frequently gossiped about at work. Some men say really mean things about me behind my back. I always get strange remarks about the way I look, even though nobody else at work does. I'll get called "short" even though I'm over 5'11." They'll often point out some random ugly guy who looks nothing like me and say, "Wow, that guy looks just like you!" Similar things happen even when I'm, say, introduced to somebody new. The first thing out of their mouth is some comment about the way I look.
I also get blamed for pretty much everything. Even once when I was little, a kid I didn't even know stole something at school. He told his mom that *I* was the one who really stole it and that he got blamed for it. Next thing I knew some crazy lady I've never met before was screaming at me from her car as I was walking home from school.
Workplace sabotage is something I'm constantly dealing with. I'm also called stupid and generally made to look bad of front of other people.
If I hang out with (uglier) guys at a bar, I'll notice that they are always watching the women that stare at me. I can sense that they're getting agitated. Then the aggressive behavior starts up again.
OK, this is getting WAY too long, but over the years I've learned to stay "low key" in certain environments: "Never try to outshine the master" is what I read once; if you're hot, dress down; if you're smart, act dumber. I also avoid people who haven't been as lucky in life as I have, preferring to hang out with those "above" me. This keeps the fuss to a minimum.
Dan on September 03, 2017:
Few comments I have got -
- He thinks he is a sex god ( by an average looking girl)
- He is fucking his sweet girlfriend (by an ugly girl)
- He wants to show off how hot he is (by the same ugly girl)
- An old woman in the gym giving bad eyes
- He must have got girlfriend ( by an average guy)
- He is short ( by so many insecure guys when they are with their wives or girlfriend)
- He is so cool ( by a girl at the airport)
- Hey cute guy, that is my girlfriend ( by an average guy)
- Father and daughter giving bad eyes in the subway
- He is gay ( a middle aged guy with his date and then date telling him that he is so mean)
- You look so sick ( by a so called friend)
Has experienced all of the above
OlderPrettyBoy on August 31, 2017:
Wow, this article resonated with me. When I was younger (now in my 40's) I became so self conscious about my pretty looks, girls would giggle near me and guys would become hostile (threatening me to stay away from their girlfriends) that I shaved my hair off and wore crappy clothes on purpose to hide my looks. It was more the threatening males that affected my self confidence, I never wanted to fight or cause trouble so I always backed down or walked away which really affect my self esteem. It has taken years to get my confidence back, however after taking up kick boxing but now I feel great, I get admiring comments from women all the time (I still get embarrassed and go red, but instead of it affecting me in a negative way, I make it positive. Also with the kick boxing training, I have the confidence to handle a threatening situation. I struggled through my teenage years and 20's so self consciously hating the way I looked, now with time and experience I am actually now thankful.
krismk on June 21, 2017:
Thanks for the article. I don’t think I’m a “pretty boy” per se, but I am 6’4” and lean/muscular, and I’ve learned during the last couple years that others find me attractive—I share many of the aforementioned struggles (as someone below wrote, nobody wants to hear you play the world’s smallest violin about good looks). A girl I had started dating recently started ghosting me; when I called her out on it, she said that I wasn’t “right” for her (probably some combination of looks, age (we are both 30), fear of being dumped, etc.) Personally, I still don’t quite “see” it in the mirror, but gay men can’t keep their hands off me and more-courageous women will sometimes open me at bars. I’ve also started noticing the subtle manner in which women check me out in public places, to which I was completely oblivious before (I’m an introvert and very in my own head).
I was recently at EDC (big music festival) by myself and whenever I looked around, there was someone staring at me, women and men (there was a big gay cohort at this festival). I met a gay couple waiting in line for the shuttle who invited me to the gay pool the next day. I first declined, but they then convinced me to come down (I didn’t feel like sitting alone in my room). I swear, ten minutes after I stepped foot into the pool, I was swarmed. There was a taller guy talking to me, then a smaller Asian one who boxed him out (when I finally got a word in edgewise and told him I wasn’t gay, he told me: “well I was going to hit on you, but you’d only be a “7” in the gay community anyway.” Ouch! lol). There was an overweight blonde, blue-eyed Austrian fellow who came up and said, “I just van to sey U are buuutifuul”. He was my favorite—as if Franz Joseph escaped the Great War, turned gay and a bit slovenly, and started trawling for dudes in Las Vegas. Too funny.
As an adult, I’ve had some troubles with this in terms of issues people mentioned, but being aware of it is a godsend, even if I’m a bit late in my self-knowledge.
I’d like to thank Kate below for the insightful comment. Especially the part about self-esteem, which I’ve struggled with (when you look like me but don’t act a certain way, people immediately label you “weird”). I’ve saved it for reference.
David on May 28, 2017:
Every girl that was beautiful or pretty took the time to talk to me and played way more less games than ugly girls . I been called gay but uglier girls than me
Christian k on May 22, 2017:
This article has hit so close to home! I have blue eyes and long light brown-blondish hair. I have the physique and hairstyle of Achilles in the movie Troy. I've been told I'm a mix of young Pitt + one of the Winchester brothers( the one with long hair)+ Zac efron. Funny thing is I'm only 19. When I was younger I was super shy but after I was 17 i really became aware.. all the looks I get, compliments from strangers. Hit on by men and women... at university the girls gave me the nick name Ken because I look like a ken doll apparently. I guess it's nice to be told you're too pretty to be a boy but I didn't really figure this out when I was younger since I had low self esteem, now I'm more confident and happy so I can out the pieces together and realize what God has given me .
I like to dress really well and most guys assume I'm gay even though I'm not lol, most people say I'm a pretty boy and have a feminine face since I also have full lips. I've never had many friends since most people have flat out ignored be despite me being a generous cool guy to hang around. I get stares all the time and most people just don't want to be around me but it's sad. At bars I'll get groups of girls come up to (once they're drunk if not theyre not confident enough to approach me lol). At school I dated the most beautiful girl and all the younger chicks at my graduation year gave me hearts with my name on it on Valentine's Day and would ask to take pics with me.. and guess what they didn't do this to any other guy! So yeah I've been quite lucky and I'm always greatful for my looks, unfortunately most poeple think that's all there is to me. I've noticed it can be really lonely since there's so many average people around so 90% don't identify with me and give hateful stares but oh well. this article has really increased my self awareness and made me really understand why the majority of people are jealous and mean to me, oh well f*** them! To all the other single good looking gentlemen out there I say this: " keep being handsome, workout, be happy and humble, appreciate your beauty whilst you're young and ignore the butt hurt unfortunate losers who refuse to see you for who you are on the inside. Most men will HATE YOU unless they themselves are happy and or good looking themselves and also most women even though they are hot will not habe a lot of confidence, have patience and keep moving forward." P.S. don't forget to pass down your amazing genes ;) God bless all my handsome brothers out there!
Emile Huang on May 05, 2017:
Ways To Get Past Insecurities About Your Looks
- Chris MacLeod, MSW
People who aren't happy with their social situation usually have insecurities. One area they can be unsure about is their appearance. Of course it's hardly just socially awkward types who have these kinds of doubts. Most of us have been insecure about our attractiveness at one time or another.
This longer article gives many suggestions about how you can become more confident about how you look. A topic like this needs a couple of disclaimers:
- I completely realize looks-related insecurities are a tricky, complicated issue, which can affect some people quite severely - I have no delusions that this one article is going to help everyone. If you're mildly or moderately unsure about how you look then the ideas here might help you feel better. If you've got more serious problems, like a longstanding eating disorder or body dysmorphia, the ideas below aren't going to do much compared to getting more dedicated, intensive support.
- Many of the suggestions below are broad overviews - While this article can bring them to your attention and let you know they might be useful, it can't possibly go into detail about how to implement them. Countless books and websites have been written about some of these topics.
- Each reader's mileage will vary about which suggestions they'll find helpful or not - One reason is because looks-related insecurities have different causes. Some people's are more straightforward and surface level. They're insecure about, say, having bad skin, because they really do have stubborn acne. If they woke up tomorrow with a clear complexion their worries would vanish. Other people's insecurities come from a deeper sense of low self-esteem and feelings of unworthinesss. Other issues, like perfectionism or a need to be in control, may come into play. If they suddenly transformed into a model they'd still find things about their appearance to dislike, or their self-doubts would just shift somewhere else.
The other big reason is that some suggestions will help more than others depending on your starting level of attractiveness. Some insecure people are unarguably good looking, but they can't see it, or beat themselves up for not being even prettier. What will help them the most is addressing the mental baggage that keeps them from seeing themselves accurately, or which causes them to be too tough on themselves. Others are average looking (i.e., still decent looking, just not stunning), but see themselves as being uglier than they are, or unnecessarily get down on themselves up because they're not super hot. They mainly should try to reframe the way the view themselves in a more positive light. Some people's looks are on the lower end of the scale. I think very, very few people are truly, inescapably ugly. Most have the potential to look at least average, but some reversible issues, like poor fashion sense or crooked teeth, are dragging their appearance down. People in this category can especially benefit from making practical improvements to their look, while also accepting their features that they can't change, and learning to work around them. - Reducing your insecurities about your looks isn't something you can do in a few hours - It's not that you just have to read a few sentences saying, "Hey, you don't look so bad!" and then you'll instantly feel better. Increased confidence and comfort with your appearance comes over time, as you gradually push out the old beliefs and replace them with new ones. Like with most improvements, your progress will have ups and downs.
Having realistic goals for becoming more secure about your looks
The goal is not to reach a headspace where you believe you're incredibly attractive. If you're more average looking you have eyes and a brain and can clearly deduce you don't look like a supermodel. More realistic goals are to:
- Get to a point where you're content with your appearance - You may acknowledge there are some ways it could be better, or that you'll never be the best looking person on the planet, but you're happy enough with where you stand.
- Have a balanced, healthy view on looks in general - You don't think that looks are everything or that looking less than perfect makes you worthless.
- Have a sense that your looks aren't holding you back from the things you want in life - E.g., "Sure, I'm not the stereotypical tall, square jawed CEO type, but I'm good at my job and I know my career is going places." You realize your looks play a role in how you do, but many other factors go into being successful, and you have faith you can make up for any issues with your appearance in other ways.
- Have a view of your appearance that's ultimately positive and optimistic, but also grounded and realistic - For example, "I know I'm on the shorter side for a guy, but aside from that I'm still pretty cute. Not a hunky god, but very decent, especially if I dress well. I know my look isn't for everyone, but enough people are into me that my dating life isn't going to suffer if I put myself out there" or, "I realize I wasn't born with the best features. I'm alright with that. My life is in a good place otherwise, and I've learned if I carry myself with confidence and show my personality, I can still make a great impression on people." If we tell ourselves we're super hot when we clearly aren't, we know we're b.s.'ing ourselves. Our minds prefer and can accept more sensible, middle ground messages.
- Have a view of your appearance that's pretty stable and resilient, and comes from within - You're guided by your own compass, not anyone else's. Your positive view of yourself won't shatter if you hear one negative comment about it. If you know you're solidly average, and someone tries to tell you're uglier than that, you truly feel they're wrong.
- Be able to accept the aspects of your appearance you just won't be able to change - That doesn't mean you have to be thrilled with them, but they don't cause you undue stress, depression, or bitterness either. You've made peace with the fact that, like most people, you weren't dealt a perfect hand in this part of your life, and that you may have to work harder in some other areas to compensate for it.
- Feel okay with your appearance the majority of the time - You're human. It's fine if you still feel down on yourself every so often or have physical features you'll never be totally happy with. If you're having a rough week or you've recently been rejected, you may dislike your looks, but it won't be long before you go back to being comfortable with them.
Depending on how deep seated your insecurities are, you may never fully get rid of them, at least without a lot of therapy. Sometimes if we absorb messages early enough in life it's very hard to completely shake them off. You can meet people who have been in shape for decades, but who still inwardly feel like the fat kid, because they were chubby in middle school. However, you can get to a point where your self doubts don't outwardly hinder you, and they're reduced to a hidden nagging feeling you sometimes get.
With all that preamble out of the way, here are the actual suggestions:
Address your deeper insecurities
Sometimes our feelings about our looks are rooted in core negative views of ourselves. In any number of ways, some people have had rough or deprived upbringings that instilled the belief that they're fundamentally flawed and unlovable, and that they don't deserve and won't get happiness. That central negative self-image can then influence more specific areas. One person may be convinced they're dumb and give up too easily on their school work. Another may become certain they're ugly. Trying to pick at their look-related insecurities will only help a little, as long as the more core sense of being unworthy remains.
Other people didn't have a rough enough childhood to feel flawed all around, but did get rejected and picked on a lot at school, sometimes over aspects of their appearance. Even if as adults they logically know things are different now, their self-concept may still be stuck in the past. On an emotional level they still think they're the weird looking student who could never click with anyone. Again, until they've done on work on these issues, other attempts to feel better may bounce off them.
This is the first suggestion, and already you can see I wasn't kidding when I said I couldn't go into depth about how to put every one into practice. There are many varieties of deeper insecurities and childhood baggage, and they can take time and effort to identify and change. Many people find this kind of work is best done with a counselor or support group. There are also many books that can help, though which ones will be most useful will depend on your exact circumstances (e.g., abuse, trauma, neglect, growing up with an alcohol abusing parent, living in the shadow of a disabled sibling, and so on.)
Try to practice self-acceptance
Self-acceptance is a core aspect of self-esteem:
- People with good self-esteem don't think they're perfect. They acknowledge their strengths, but are also comfortable with their weaknesses, and the fact that they have flaws, like everyone does.
- Self-acceptance means going easy on yourself and being on your own side. You may not be stoked about the cellulite on your thighs, but it doesn't mean you have to trash yourself over it. Why not be a compassionate, supportive friend to yourself?
- Self-acceptance doesn't mean loving or condoning everything about your current self or situation. You can totally be accepting, but also acknowledge you have things you want to change. It just means that while things are the way they are, you'll be okay with them. E.g., "I hope to lose some weight over the next few years, but until I do, I may as well accept that for now I'll be heavier, and try to like myself anyway."
- Acceptance is realistic and practical. It feeds into a pragmatic attitude. You may prefer that you were born taller, or with a faster metabolism, or with less-frizzy hair, but you weren't, so you might as well stop feeling angry or sorry for yourself, and instead focus on how you can work around your weaker points.
The tone you take with yourself when you're accepting of your looks is sometimes misunderstood. The word "love" is often thrown around, as in "Love your body, no matter what you look like!" That can make people think of the enthusiastic, gushing type of love, as in, "I love going out of town on long weekends!" The idea of "loving" the fact that you have a gummy smile or bags under your eyes can be hard to swallow. When you unconditionally love your body, it's more like the love you might have toward a family member. You don't always agree with everything they do, but in the end you're in their corner. Your body may not always look the way you want, but it's the only one you have, so you should try to accept it. Also, as weird as this sounds, your body wants the best for you. It's not your enemy. All its functions are there to keep you going. Even when it does things you don't want it to, like adding weight, as far as it's concerned it's trying to help out by building up reserves for leaner times.
Acceptance also doesn't mean weary, pessimistic, resignation. It's not a case of, "I accept I'm a cow that will never have a relationship." You can accept your current difficult situation, but also have hope that you can turn things around down the road.
Indirectly let the air out of your insecurities by generally doing things to improve your mood, take care of yourself, and get your life together in other ways
Whatever our insecurities are, they tend to get stronger when we're feeling depressed, stressed, and anxious, and recede when we're happier and on top of things. Many people with body image struggles have noticed that if they start suddenly thinking "I'm fat" or "I'm too old" it's often a signal that they have another issue in their life they need to attend to, like that they're feeling overwhelmed at work that week.
It doesn't address their root cause, but you can turn down the volume on your insecurities by generally doing things to boost your overall mood and quality of life. You don't have to do all of these, but generally the more the better:
- Exercise regularly
- Eat a healthy diet
- Get enough sleep each night
- Get enough sunlight each day
- Set aside enough time each week to relax and unwind
- Do some fun things each week. I'm talking about the kinds of truly fun activities that you look forward to, like going for a hike or seeing a band, not mainly time passing stuff like watching whatever is on TV
- Deal with other stresses and hassles in your life (e.g., finishing that paper you've been putting off)
- Have a support system you can talk to about things that are bothering you, whether it's your friends, family, a counselor or therapy group, someone from your church, an online forum you post on, and so on
- Hang around supportive people, and try to limit time with anyone who's overly critical of you
- Do things to help other people and the planet, like volunteering at a film festival or helping pick up litter in your city's parks
- Keep a journal of things you're grateful for or which are going well in your life
This article goes into more detail about these mood boosters:
Lifestyle Changes That Can Improve Mood
Find ways to get the things you worry your looks are keeping you from
Some people's insecurities are less about their actual looks, and more that they feel their appearance will prevent them from achieving certain goals in life. For example, a man may not be upset that he's losing his hair for its own sake, but worry women will no longer find him attractive. Similarly, someone can be unhappy with their looks because they're not where to want to be in terms of their friendships, love life, or career, and have mistakenly concluded it's because they're ugly. In reality other factors are to blame. Most things in life are influenced by a lot more than how how hot you are. Most people pick their friends based on personality and commonalities, not looks. Your career success hinges more on traits like work ethic, talent, networking skills, and willingness to learn.
- Someone who doesn't have a lot of friends may need to work on their basic conversation skills.
- A woman who's stalled in their career might have to improve her skills as a manager.
- If a guy's never had a girlfriend his real problem may be that he doesn't have the confidence to talk to women he's attracted to. Or maybe his natural looks do put him at a disadvantage in dating, but he can make up for it by cultivating other attractive traits.
- A guy may dislike his small stature because he worries it makes him vulnerable and less masculine. Taking a martial art class may address both those concerns.
If you can develop the skills or mentality to gain the things you want, then once you get them some of your hangups about your looks may go away. You're no longer missing something. You have firsthand evidence showing your looks won't keep you from everything. So your mind may not feel the need to worry about how subpar you are. You'll still realize you don't look perfect, but it doesn't as feel as relevant to your happiness. To start, even finding examples of people who look like you, but have managed to find success can give you hope and make you feel better. Once again, I know these changes can't be accomplished overnight, and that it's beyond this article's scope to cover everything you might need to know about how to form a social life, or get into a relationship, or advance in your field, but that information is out there (or right here on this site if you need help with your social skills).
Question your beliefs about looks in general
Sometimes we're not happy with our appearance because we have counterproductive beliefs about what it means to be at a certain level of attractiveness, such as:
"Good looking people live perfect, effortless existences. If I was attractive then I'd have a dream life too" - Being easy on the eyes absolutely opens some doors, but pretty or handsome people still have their share of problems. They still get rejected. If they're shy and socially inexperienced they can still be lonely. Having nice cheekbones doesn't save them from every issue with their studies, workplace, family, or health. You're not missing out on as much as you think just because your looks aren't a nine out of ten.
"How good I look is the main thing that determines my value as a person" - There are dozens and dozens of other traits that can give someone value as an individual, like being a loving parent, being funny, creating art, and on and on. And these things really do have value. It's not like "being a good friend" is some meaningless consolation prize, and the only real way you can matter in the world is by having nice abs.
"I'm a failure unless every last person finds me attractive" - Aside from the fact that your worth comes from way more than people's ratings of you, no one is attractive to everyone. Some people have a more broadly appealing look, but even they won't be everyone's type. Most of us have a look that some people find attractive and others aren't into (e.g., some people like thin, petite women, others prefer taller, curvier ones). That doesn't make you a failure. It's normal.
"All other people care about is looks" - People do give weight to how others look, especially when they're deciding who to date. It's hardly the only thing they take into account. If you're a tad under the threshold of how good someone wants their partner to look, but you're a great match for them otherwise, you're probably going to be fine.
"There's no way I can get the things I want looking like I do" - Assuming you've got other aspects of yourself together, having average or below average looks closes off fewer opportunities than you think. No, you may not get a job as a model. You may not be able to date a really good looking person who only wants a partner who's as hot as they are. But the majority of things in life are open to everyone. I'm sure you can think of examples of less-than-gorgeous people who still have interesting jobs, good friends, and who are in happy relationships with partners they're attracted to.
"If you're not on the upper end of the attractiveness scale, then you're hopeless" - Being very attractive makes some things easier, but it's not an All or Nothing situation where if you're not at the very top then you get zilch. Like the previous point says, you can still get most of the things you want in life with more typical looks.
"Well having average looks is one thing, but if you're below average then you're out of luck" - Being less attractive can undoubtedly make life harder. Fewer people will be open to dating you, you'll hear more hurtful comments, and you may be subtly discriminated against at your job. Though that's a far cry from your life being a total write off. Once more, if you look around you can find plenty of cases of less pretty people who are doing just fine for themselves.
"If someone rejects me it's because of how I look" - Again, particularly in dating, your looks may be a factor in why you were rejected, but there are many other reasons someone may not be interested.
"A single poor feature can make you ugly" - A single prominent, out of proportion feature can certainly detract from your appearance, but usually not enough to make you seem ugly if your other features are okay.
"Everyone judges people's looks by the same criteria I do" - People vary in what features they find attractive. A guy who's insecure about his smaller frame may subconsciously rate any more muscular man as being more desirable than him, and assume everyone else has the same standards. The reality is not everyone cares about muscle size when deciding how attractive someone is.
Insecure people can also be overly harsh when judging others' appearances. They either apply their same impossible, judgmental self-standards to everyone else, or they unconsciously try to tear down other people to try to make themselves feel better (as I'll explain in a bit, this doesn't work). They assume people are evaluating them as strictly as they view everyone else. In fact many folks are much more forgiving. They're okay with imperfections. They'll bump someone up a few points in their mind if they have a good personality.
"The kinds of people I want to date expect absolute physical perfection or a specific look in a partner. I don't have that, so I'm a lost cause" - People care about looks when when it comes to dating, but most just want someone they're reasonably attracted to, not the perfect specimen.
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Try to adjust the way you think about your looks
Most of us know we're never going to look like models, but we can still view ourselves through a more positive lens than the one we currently use. This suggestion has several subpoints. Whatever angle you use to try to look at yourself differently, it may feel forced at first. Like you can tell yourself something more positive, but you won't really believe it. Don't give up right away if that happens. New beliefs take time to take hold.
Learn more about society's unrealistic beauty standards
One reason you likely feel bad about your looks is you're comparing them to the gorgeous ideals society shows in the media. I'm not the first, or even the millionth, person to say this, but those standards are unrealistic and harmful. For one, many of the images, even if they feature naturally attractive people, are altered to portray a level of beauty no one could actually achieve, let alone sustain. A fashion model spends hours having her hair and makeup done by professionals. Fitness models starve and dehydrate themselves for days before a shoot so their muscles are as defined as possible. They're shot under perfect lighting. Of the hundreds of photos that are taken, only a handful of the most flattering are selected. Then, of course, the images are heavily photoshopped.
Second, the media tends to push only a handful of looks as being the most attractive. And I'm not saying this in an empty, feel good, "everyone is equally pretty" sense. What I mean is that even if you only started with the looks and body types that people find attractive in the real world, some of them are featured in the media way more than others. When the media does promote other looks, there's often an insincere lip service quality to it.
You can lessen the power these standards have over you by learning about them. Read up on all the ways photos can be digitally manipulated. Go looking for examples of people who are attractive, but whose look doesn't usually show up in the mainstream media. View pictures of celebrities who aren't wearing makeup. The point isn't to be petty and rag on them, but to show yourself how their true, day to day looks don't compare to their heavily made up, post-produced versions.
Expose yourself to beauty standards from different cultures and time periods
Standards of beauty vary quite a bit, from country to country, and also across time within the same culture. I don't want to overstate this. It's not as if a man who's considered extremely handsome in one country is going to be thought of as hideous in another. And there are some physical traits that are never going to be particularly appealing. It's more that among regular, average types, much of what determines whether they're seen as attractive is subjective.
In some countries fair, pale skin is considered beautiful. In others it's a sign you're unhealthy and never leave the house. Some cultures want women to be stick thin. Others prefer more curves. In some areas the ideal man is muscular and rugged. In others he's lean and androgynous. In North America beards have gone in and out of fashion over the decades, and so on. Learning about these various standards can help break the spell your particular culture's current standard has over you.
I'll mention again that it can be hard to truly believe these kinds of things at first. It's tempting to think, "Okay, sure, this one part of the world finds bigger women attractive, but the people there have got to be misguided. I don't want to fool myself. Everyone must know deep down slim women are actually the best looking." Those kinds of thoughts show you're still operating only under your own culture's standards. It's easier said than done, but you can develop a larger perspective. Once more, the point is not to finagle yourself into thinking you're incredibly beautiful, just to open yourself up to the possibility that you're not grotesque just because you don't fit one culture's ideal.
When it comes to dating, realize that even if you're not considered gorgeous to most, a subset of people may really like your type
Some of us have deeper insecurities that make us feel we must have everyone be attracted to us. I think most people are realistic and practical, and would be happy enough, and feel more confident, if they knew their look had its subset of fans. If you know enough people like you, then what's it matter if not every last person does? Odds are that's where you stand, or at least that's where you have the potential to stand once you make some tweaks to your appearance.
If you're a straight guy, realize just because you haven't gotten a ton of attention from women it doesn't mean you're hideous
Some men conclude they're ugly because they can't recall a time a woman flirted or asked them out. However, it's not just grotesque guys who don't get hit on. Plenty of decent looking men haven't had women be forward with them. That's especially the case when they're younger or homebodies, and just haven't had as much time or opportunity for it to happen. Without going on a tangent about why, women as a whole are way less likely to play the pursuer role. Also, some guys think no one's ever showed an interest in them, but it's happened and just went over their heads.
Make a case to yourself about why you're not as bad looking as you think you are
It's well known that people with low self-esteem look for information that agrees with all the bad things they "know" are true about themselves. Up until now you've likely used a few cognitive distortions to cherry pick "evidence" from the world that agrees with your poor self-image. You probably use Filtering to remember any negative information about your looks, and disregard anything that says otherwise. Similarly, you likely use Disqualifying the Positive to brush off any compliments about your appearance. Maybe you do some Mind Reading, where if someone isn't interested in you, you assume it was solely because they didn't find you physically appealing.
Those same processes can be used to gather support that you're actually decent looking. I know I'm repeating myself, but it's important to emphasize: The idea isn't to convince yourself that you're an Adonis, but that you're attractive enough to get by, rather than an unlovable monster.
As an exercise, sit down and try to gather all the evidence you can that you're okay looking, and quite possibly extra attractive to a subset of people. Really try to put yourself in the mindset of someone who has reasons to be secure about their appearance. Don't use your usual mental processes to find reasons why the things you come up with don't count. It may help to imagine you're someone else, like a friend who wants to help, or a vain narcissist who thinks they're God's gift to the world.
- Make a list of all your features that you think are attractive. Rather than focusing on the handful you think ruin your appearance, focus on the good ones. The key word is "good", not "perfect". Don't be too quick to say, "I don't have any good features." Try harder. No one is 100% devoid of them. At worst, admit you have to make some changes to your appearance, but once you do, you know some nice features will reveal themselves.
- List the times people told you they find you attractive. (Note though that it doesn't automatically mean you're ugly if you don't have any examples, especially if you're younger or don't go out much. Men also don't get complimented as much.)
- Find examples of people with your features who are considered attractive. Like the Western male ideal is rugged and muscular, but there are plenty of celebrities who are considered hot who are thin and young looking. Don't just limit yourself to the mainstream media though, since it's known for only showing a small selection of types.
- Similarly, find people who say they're attracted to your type. That may be a friend who's not shy about saying she likes dating chubbier guys, or the fans of a celebrity who has a bigger nose, but is still considered a sex symbol.
If you find yourself dismissing any evidence for why you're better looking than you think, start questioning that. Why do you assume Person A's negative opinion of you reflects reality, while Person B is just paying a compliment out of pity? Why do you theoretically accept that some men like tall women, but if one is interested in you, it must be because he's a loser with no better options?
A related exercise is to pick someone who's considered attractive, and then imagine you're them and that you're really insecure about your appearance. Pick out minor flaws of "yours" to make an argument that you're unsightly. Of course, this is ridiculous, and that person is good looking, and any small flaws they have don't change that, or even add a bit of character to their appearance. Doing it for someone else can drive home how you may be making too much out of your own unnoticeable imperfections, and missing the overall picture that you look fine.
Realize you've got a range of potential attractiveness levels
Some people have nicer looking natural features than others, but we all have the potential to look better or worse on some days. An average looking guy can appear much more attractive if you put him in a sharp suit, style his hair in a flattering way, and have him project a confident, happy vibe. That same guy can look slovenly and dorky with bad clothes, grooming, and body language. Similarly, some women can look plain and mousy before they get dressed up and do their hair and makeup, but gorgeous after.
Most people don't go all out with their appearance every day, but knowing you have the potential to look a lot better can make you feel a bit more secure when you're not as dolled up. When you look in the mirror after you've just got out of bed, rather than telling yourself you're inherently frumpy, you can see yourself as a more attractive person who temporarily looks worse because you haven't taken some time to get rid of your bedhead and put on some real clothes.
If you've never done so, it can be eye opening to really get dressed up and see what your peak attractiveness is. You may not be aware of how good you can look under the right circumstances. If you want to go the extra mile, get dressed up, and then have professional photos taken. Not only can this boost your confidence, but it can also take away some of the mystique of unattainably hot public figures when you see firsthand how the same tricks can work on you.
Look back and really question the negative comments you got about your appearance in the past
A lot of our look-related insecurities form because of things other people say about us. Again, I won't try to paint an unrealistically rosy picture. Sometimes these comments are accurate, though still mean-spirited. Like someone might get teased for having an overbite when they really do have one. At other times the comments people made were wrong, but we believed them at the time, and haven't questioned them since. Children tend to unskeptically accept the things they hear about themselves. Like you may have gone all your life believing your normal sized head was too big, because of one random insult someone made to you in the fourth grade.
Go back over the comments people made about your appearance and give them more scrutiny. Some of them may clearly turn out to be wrong when you really think about them for a few seconds ("My aunt said I was fat, but looking back I was a totally normal weight at the time.") Also, dig into people's possible motives. Even if they correctly pointed out a minor flaw you have, they may have made it out to be worse than it was ("Sure, I was slightly chubby as a kid, but my mom's comments were more about her own eating issues than about how I looked."; "Yeah, I have a small gap in my front teeth, but no one else has ever said anything about it. The bully who did was only trying to hurt my feelings.")
Learn to use your body effectively in other ways
People who dislike their looks can have a strained relationship with their bodies in general, and mainly see them as a source of stress and disappointment. You may come to like your body more if you do more with it than view it as a means for looking cute to strangers or not. For one, try more physical and creative activities. Push yourself and learn what your body is capable of. Try to find a physical skill you're naturally good at. That can help you view your physique in a more positive, well-rounded light (e.g., "I'm really lanky, which makes rock climbing way easier.")
What not to do: Putting down other people's appearances to try to make yourself feel better in comparison
This is a pretty classic insecure person move, but it doesn't work. It may momentarily make you feel better, but long term it cultivates a toxic, negative mindset, and does nothing to address your real issues. It also subconsciously sends you the message that if you're like this, then everyone else must also be really critical, which can make you even more paranoid about how people see you.
Try to cut down on the little habits that help sustain your insecurities
When we feel insecure about our looks we tend to do things that we hope will reassure ourselves or clarify where we stand, but which actually increase our uncertainty and self doubt. Consciously trying to cut down on these habits can help keep thoughts about your looks out of your mind. Again, it doesn't address the root problem, but can reduce some of the day to day unhappy chatter going through your head. Try to stop habits such as:
- Checking yourself out in every mirror or window to see if you look good or bad in that instant ("Phew, I looked okay that time... Damn, my features looked old in that store window...")
- Picking through every photo someone puts up of you, to see how good you look
- Making regular close examinations of a feature you're not happy with (e.g., scrutinizing your nose in the mirror from all angles)
- Checking out other people's features and comparing them to your own ("How does her arm fat compare to mine?")
- Taking tons of photos of yourself and then over-analyzing how you look in them
- Consuming lots of appearance-related media, like fashion and fitness websites or YouTube channels
- Measuring yourself constantly (e.g., weighing yourself, measuring the size of your arms, calculating your body fat percentage)
Seek reassurance from people
Sometimes we'll feel insecure about our overall looks or a particular feature, and we haven't gotten anyone's direct feedback on it and really aren't sure where we stand. Just hearing from someone else that we look fine, or that our forehead is completely normally, and not huge like you were told in middle school, can be all we need to put the matter to rest.
Of course, this doesn't always go smoothly. Some people are told they look amazing constantly and they refuse to accept it, because it's too far out of line with what they "know" to be true. It's also possible to get a short-lived boost from reassurance, but then want more soon after.
Make improvements to your looks
As I said toward the beginning of the article, some people are good looking, but see themselves as less attractive. Others are unhappy with how they look because they justifiably realize aspects of their appearance aren't as good as they could be. If they could make themselves look better than they'd feel more secure with themselves. It speaks to that larger contradiction with self-esteem: On one hand it's good to self-accepting and be okay with yourself as you are now. On the other hand, you can't help but know if certain aspects of your life are up to your standards are not. When they are you tend to feel better.
This suggestion can make a difference if you've got clear areas where you could make improvements, and you have realistic expectations about how much you can adjust them. It can backfire if you try to perfect your already-good features, or you feel there's no point unless you can make yourself look flawless. It's also possible putting more focus on your looks, so you can change them, will also cause your insecurities to temporarily flare up. If you can account for this, and manage it if it comes up, the risk may be worth it. Generally, it's good to try to address your insecurities in other ways first, so when you make more hands-on changes your mentality will be in a more helpful place.
Here are some changeable aspects of your look you could improve:
Your grooming and sense of fashion
What we wear and how we groom and style ourselves makes a huge impact on how attractive we appear. If you have an unflattering haircut and wear bland, dowdy clothes, you're simply not going to look as good as you can. Another thing is that other people tend to judge us more on our clothing and grooming choices than our natural features. That's because we instinctively understand someone can't change their height or the shape of their chin, but their style and grooming are under their control and can give us hints about what kind of person they are. If someone is really poorly put together we assume it's a sign they may have other problems.
Possibly finding a less-conventional style that works for you
More attractive people can dress in any halfway reasonable outfit and still look good. Other people do better or worse with some looks than others. For example, if you take a chubby, bald, bearded guy and put him in glasses and a cheap business casual outfit, many people will see him as a stereotypical IT dork. That same guy in a biker or metalhead outfit starts looking more burly and edgy. This isn't to say you have to join a whole subculture that doesn't interest you, but you could still use stereotypes to your advantage and incorporate certain elements into your look. Like a taller, chubbier guy could wear some vaguely biker-esque clothing to give his look a bit of edge. (That's not a formal fashion suggestion by the way, just an example. Biker clothes might look lame or out of fashion on some guys, but you get the idea).
Your posture, body language, and facial expressions
All in all confident non-verbal communication looks better. You've probably met someone who wasn't the best looking, but they had a confident vibe and you couldn't help but see them as more attractive than they technically were. People who feel they're ugly often carry themselves in a self-doubting, sadsack way, which doesn't display their natural features in the best light. You don't need to come across as hyper-confident, just more or less self-assured. That means things like standing up straight, seeming fairly friendly and cheerful, and generally not looking meek and down on yourself.
Aside from the importance of confidence, sometimes aspects of people's default body language don't do them any favors. Like they may unintentionally have a goofy looking smile, or slouch in a way that makes their stomach stick out, or come across as more tense or unfriendly than they're feeling. With practice you can consciously adjust much of your non-verbal communication.
Your weight and fitness levels
This point is not to say you can only be a svelte 110 pounds as a woman, or 190 pounds of well-defined muscle if you're a man. It's more that even if you're on the heavier or skinnier side, and are fine with that and it's working for you, there's still probably a weight and level of fitness where you'd look your best. Like if you're happy with being a curvier woman, there's still a difference between being 170 pounds vs 370. If you're slimmer guy you'll look better being in shape than skinny fat.
Of course, while your weight and fitness can have a big affect on how you look, it's no secret that it's the hardest aspect of your appearance to change. It can be a pain to learn about fashion and go clothes shopping, but ultimately that takes a relatively small amount of time and effort. Having a procedure to fix your skin costs money, but once you've saved up and paid for it, it can then be done fairly quickly. Staying at a certain weight or maintaining a certain level of muscle along with a low body fat percentage takes much, much more work. It can literally be a lifelong project, which requires energy and discipline every day. Trying to lose weight can bring up other mental baggage you'll have to deal with, like using food as an emotional coping strategy. More than with the other suggestions in this article, I don't want to imply that just because I can write it, and you can read it, that it's easy to just go out and do.
Medical interventions to change your physical features
This could mean dental work, plastic surgery, hair transplants, or skin procedures to remove acne scarring. If you have a feature that detracts from your appearance like crooked teeth or ears that clearly stick out too much, fixing them might be a good option. You don't have to of course. Some people accept these quirks in their appearance and still live good lives. However, others are happy to be rid of them and feel they look much better once that one weak spot is gone.
Generally other people have no problems with dental work or skin treatments, but can look down more at plastic surgery. They may see it as vain, and think that people should accept themselves as they are. They'll point to sad stories of already gorgeous celebrities who've had a dozen pointless procedures to tweak the size of their nostrils. No one's denying that cosmetic surgery is sometimes done for unhealthy, unnecessary reasons. However, many people who do it report they're satisfied with their decision. They had one body part they weren't thrilled with and were glad to fix it.
Plastic surgery can be a good choice if you're doing it for the right reasons and you have realistic expectations. Here are some psychological traits that make someone a good candidate:
- They're more or less happy with their lives and secure with themselves, but the look of one body part has always bugged them. They want to fix it to take a weight off their shoulders.
- They're doing it for themselves, not because of outside pressure from their partner, family, or employer.
- They don't think making some tweaks to one body part will radically alter their appearance or make them much more attractive. They realize they'll still look more-or-less the same, just with that one part more in proportion to the rest of their features.
- They don't need or expect the surgery to make the part look flawless, just to make it look less extreme and hopefully bring it into average, unnoticeable territory (e.g., to change a big nose into a typical looking one no one would think twice about).
- They don't think tweaking one body part will dramatically change their lives. They expect they'll feel less self-conscious about that specific feature, and maybe a little more confident overall, but they don't think it will turn them into a whole new person. They know removing a few millimeters of bone from the bridge of their nose won't erase the fact that they have trouble setting boundaries with their friends, are bored with their job, and resent their parents for being too critical.
On the other hand poor candidates have unrealistic hopes of the surgery radically transforming their appearance and fixing all their problems. They don't view their appearance accurately and think they have tons of glaring issues, when other people think they look fine. They want to change everything about themselves, not just one feature. They have deeper-seated self-esteem issues, where even if they were to fix one aspect of their appearance, their insecurities would just glom onto another one. Any good plastic surgeon will screen potential patients to see if their expectations are reasonable and if they'd psychologically benefit from the procedure.
Learning how to be more photogenic
One thing that bothers some people about their appearance is that they never seem to look good in photos. You can learn to look more natural and comfortable on camera. You can find the poses that look the most flattering for you. This doesn't mean you have to become vain and spend hours a day taking practice selfies. It's more about knowing how to put your best foot forward, and getting to a point where every time a friend wants to take a picture you don't flinch away and think of how weird you're going to look in it.
Just learn to act in spite of any lingering insecurities
Sometimes you'll have done all you can - you've improved your appearance, tried to see the ways you are attractive, accepted the things you can't change, etc. - but you still feel insecure. You know you're not that bad looking, but you still feel that way. Maybe you'll overcome those feelings with more work down the line, but for now they're still there. You're at the point where you just need to act is if those insecurities weren't there. You have to introduce yourself to those guests at that party, even if you're inwardly worried they think you're overweight. It's kind of like how if you're prone to headaches you can do all you can to minimize them, but sometimes you still get one and you just have to go on with your day.
Men’s Top 14 Insecurities of All Time, According to Experts
Men have plenty of insecurities — but good luck getting them to talk about it. Men who own up to their insecurities often feel as though being vulnerable is akin to admitting inadequacy. So they suffer in silence. “Men feel insecure about being seen as less-than,” marriage and family therapist Hanalei Vierra says. “Less than strong enough, less than smart enough, less than sexy enough, less than good-looking enough, less than funny enough, less than competent enough.” Fatherly asked Vierra and other experts to weigh in on what men are most insecure about, and how they can learn to cope with these fears and address them head-on.
Developing Breasts
Gynecomastia, pejoratively known as man boobs, is a condition in which men develop breasts as a result of imbalances in estrogen and testosterone. It’s very common among boys during puberty, and among men 50 and older, but it is especially distressing for men under 40, according to New York–based plastic surgeon Dr. Joshua Zuckerman.
Zuckerman has noticed that many men who finally come to see him have attempted to hide this on their own for years, because they were embarrassed to get help. “I do think there is an issue with men being able to express their feelings about body insecurities, and many times a male patient will not consider treatment for many years.”
Having Old, Baggy Eyes
Many men visit a cosmetic surgeon because they’re worried about their baggy eyes making them look old. This is especially true for men over 40 who have endured some sun damage. And since few men wear sunscreen on a regular basis, this amounts to a lot of people. Ironically, men don’t have the same mental baggage about their eye baggage as they do about breast growth.
“I think there is less shame around this procedure,” Zuckerman says.
Losing Their Hair
Hair loss is quite common among men as young as 30, and some embrace it better than others. Despite evidence that some women may be more attracted to bald men, “many men have a real association of baldness with being less attractive, less masculine, and appearing older,” Zuckerman explains. “I personally suffer from partial baldness as well, and I think it is difficult to convince the majority of men that the completely bald, shaved look is attractive.”
Being a Waif of a Man
In general, men have a lot of body image issues women can relate to. They’re inundated with unattainable images of what men’s bodies are supposed to look like. But the biggest difference with men is that they worry about being underweight, too.“Men usually worry about their stomach or abs, just like women, but they can also have insecurities about being underweight,” therapist Katie Leikam says.
Where They Are in Their Careers
“Men can be insecure about where they are in their career, based on their age,” Leikam explains. Although money is an important part of this, earning potential is connected to broader anxieties about living up to social standards of being a man. And the more insecure men become, the more they tend to compare themselves to other men, which tend to make them feel worse. It’s a vicious cycle and a terrible way to keep score. “Older men could wonder why they aren’t as far along in their careers as their peers are. Men can benefit from understanding that they are still successful in their own way and are striving to be where they need to be.”
How Tall They Are
Shorter men may be concerned about their height, because they fear that they are unattractive to women, or are taken less seriously by their peers. However, very tall men have insecurities too, such as feeling uncomfortable in small places or awkward around average-size people — and occasionally having to explain that they’re not good at, or even interested in, basketball.
“Men who are shorter may naturally surround themselves with friends around their same height. This builds a sense of normalcy,” marriage and family therapist Katie Ziskind told Fatherly. “Men who are taller, above 6 foot, can be more self-conscious because many men and most women are always shorter than them. They can feel like an oddball.”
How Big Their Penises Are
“Men are very insecure about penis size,” Ziskind says. This despite the fact that studies show that women actually prefer smaller men for long-term partners, potentially due to fear of pain during intercourse. Still, men can hang on to negative feedback about size from past partners, or even peers in the locker room growing up, for most of their lives. “Men take insults about their penis size to heart. Comments about penis size can linger negatively with a man for decades.”
Whether They’re Circumcised or Uncircumcised
It’s not only size that matters to men, but how their penises look. And when it comes to circumcision, men are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Ziskind has seen insecure uncircumcised men want surgery as adults about as often as she’s seen men who were circumcised as infants and are upset about it.
If Their Penises Even Work
As much as men may worry about their penis size and appearance, the way it works may matter most, therapist William Schroeder says. Erectile dysfunction affects over 50 percent of men, but Schroeder has found that the prognosis is best for men who can discuss this with their partners. Men who cannot communicate about this insecurity risk getting caught in a negative feedback loop where they’re even less likely to be able to perform sexually, over time.
“Erectile dysfunction is a perfect example of something that can be very anxiety producing if not dealt with in a direct and open way,” he warns. “Conversely, if men discuss sex, then it can make it into something with very clear expectations and understanding on both sides. That vulnerability can be very endearing to a mate.”
Having (and Showing) Emotions
“Men are often told to tough out their emotions and are shamed for showing them,” Schroeder says, noting that because boys are taught this from such a young age, many insecurities men struggle with their entire live start there. “The result of being this way causes men to wall off anything that feels vulnerable and thus, insecure.”
If They’ve Made the Wrong Choices
It’s not just a cliché or a television trope: the man who refuses to stop and ask for directions. Most men struggle with admitting they might be wrong. “Men suffer from denial and inability to share that they are imperfect and that the choices they have made were sometimes guesses or the easier of the choices,” addiction counselor and trauma specialist Stephen Cohen Henriques explains. “Being vulnerable is to admit and own that they do not know everything, and that can be crushing when families rely on them for so much.”
Whether or Not They’re Good Husbands
Much like being stable providers, being a good partner is an important facet of being a good man. A stagnant or unhappy marriage can take a tremendous toll on a man’s self-worth over time, especially when he’s unable to communicate this to his spouse. When this happens, resentments tend to build and relationships get more distant, Vierra says.
“Marital misery shows up in my office quite often in the form of a husband’s attempt to compensate for his lack of feeling ‘good enough’ by being a workaholic.”
If They’re Good Dads
Vierra in not just a therapist who sees this insecurity in his patients, he’s a father who’s felt it first-hand with his daughter for the past 18 years. “My fears of not being involved enough, or not being tough enough, or not being wise enough, or loving enough, or fun enough, or protective enough toward her have rarely subsided since she was born,” he says. Vierra’s professional insight makes it easier for him to recognize that many of these anxieties stemmed from insecurities he had his entire life, but he acknowledges that all men are capable of that. The best thing insecure dads can do is be vulnerable enough to model healthy ways to cope.
Having Insecurities at All
One of the main reason so man men carry all these insecurities for most of their lives is because they’re taught that they’re weak for admitting they have them at all, experts agree across the board. Instead of verbalizing their shared sources of shame and realizing they’re not alone, men double-down, and hang on to bad feelings about themselves for as long as they can.
“Men have been trained and socialized to avoid and ignore knowing their insecurities, which is one of the reasons they are less verbal than women about their insecurities,” Vierra says. “This results in less being known and understood about them.”
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