First, know that you are not alone. 

Online dating only masquerades as the simpler way to date – but that’s not always the case.  The good news is that you’re not in a bar with the potential to meet 20 girls; online there are millions of girls.  You can search for and meet the girl you’re always looking for in the bar – but you have to find her online first.

And you have to be willing to wade through some shit.  Sometimes it’s shit like seeing “the moon” too many times as the answer to “What’s bigger, the sun or the moon?”  Sometimes it’s dark, psychological, “what is the point of this” shit.

Every so often, a guy in a dark place will be feeling shitty and will email me.  It goes something like this:

“I have tried several dating websites but never get anything. No dates, what few responses I get lead nowhere, or I have to do all the work and they contribute little to the conversation. I’m just so @#$$#% frustrated that I want to chuck my tablet out the window.”

“Women are only attracted to good looking men just like men are attracted to good looking women. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that personality matters to people, but it is secondary to physical appearance.”

“In real life, I get few opportunities to meet someone and my anxiety makes me socially awkward.”

“Seems women are only interested in looks and money.”

What I say to these guys, and what I want to say to you, is:

Yes.  This sucks.  I hear your frustration.  And I agree with you: online dating IS a predominantly superficial place. Dating in general is wrought with high emotion and low logic.

That's why it's so critical that we:

1) Don't let online dating be the end-all-be-all in our love lives, 

2) Work on being self-confident, self-aware people who like ourselves and don't need others to validate us, and

3) Live our lives in the real world, where we can choose to spend our time and energy with people who lift us up, doing work and enjoying hobbies that build our confidence and increase the joy in our lives, while being open to meeting the right person for us.  

Attraction is emotional and primal.  We can’t control how others react to us.  But we can control our ability to enjoy our lives and find people we want to enjoy it with – and those are the people who do not think we are only "ugly" or only "attractive."  Attractiveness is a continuum and it trends positive when WE like who we are, try to improve the stuff we don't like, and surround ourselves with people who appreciate us for having those qualities.

Sure, online dating is centered on the superficial, but it can also be a tool to help us find more of the good people we want in our lives – who want to be in our lives.  It can be a fun way to meet new people.

If online dating is not fun for you, or if it makes you feel "less than" in any way, please do not spend your time there!

If you are frustrated that you are spending time on something that's not "paying off" – take a break!  You’ll feel better when you invest your time and energy back into the areas of your life that make you feel good!  Don't spend time online if it feels like hitting your head against a brick wall.

Sometimes the best way forward is to back off.

Give yourself permission to focus on building a life that you enjoy in the mean time.

If you are already making an effort to live your life offline and get yourself out there – joining MeetUps, making new friends, caring for old friends, pursuing your hobbies and interests, being involved in your church or local associations and community groups – keep doing these things.  These are all the things that make you who you are, that make you happy even when you don't have a relationship, or when things get tough in other areas of life.

Remember that you and online dating are not monogamous.

There are other ways to meet women.  Tell your friends and family that you’re interested in getting set up (according to a few key guidelines, established by you).  Go to happy hours, mixers, bars, and meet-ups.  Practice talking to strangers in the checkout line at the grocery store.  Smile at a cute girl at a conference.  You’ll find that when you don’t have all your eggs in one basket, you’re less pissed off at Match and Tinder.

If you feel anxiety or extremely uncomfortable in social situations, take a look at this.  You can develop skills to cope with and improve your social experiences.  Find someone you trust to talk to about this – a mentor, your pastor, a therapist, a friend – anyone who will be supportive, who will help you look at ways you can practice, grow, and overcome these challenges.

The work you do now to feel good about yourself and create a life you enjoy is what sets you up to build strong relationships with the right people that will last a lifetime.

Patience is a pain in the ass, and hard work is difficult – but I think that's the prescription.

That, and get offline when you need to!

You are an intelligent, funny, considerate person with a lot to offer.  There are many people who are so thankful that you have those qualities (myself being one of them).   I have no doubt you will meet someone wonderful, whether it's online or off.

I’m thinking about you and I’m here for you.

The search for love in the digital age tends to stir up a lot of anxiety. If you've ever heard stories from your friends about their bad dates, you might reasonably approach dating apps with caution. But just as online dating can foster some comically bad experiences, there are plenty of benefits as well. Many of us know couples who seem so perfectly matched that it's almost impossible to believe they met on opposite sides of a screen.

When it comes down to it, does online dating actually work? While you might be worried it's not a good idea (or even a waste of time), like all matters in love, it has its pros and cons. We decided to bring the question to licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship expert Lisa Marie Bobby, Ph.D., of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching.

Dating apps can lead to superficiality and ghosting, but there are also many positives. "While online dating has some potential for pitfalls compared to meeting people in real life, the volume of possibilities is much higher," says Bobby. "That increases the chances that you'll meet someone you're truly compatible with."

So let's put the fears to rest—and put the internet to the test. Read on to learn expert advice on how well online dating really works.

Best Dating Apps of 2022

What Research Says About Dating Apps

Research shows that online dating is on the rise. A Pew Research Center study conducted in October 2019 found that 30 percent of Americans have used online dating, compared to just 11 percent in 2013. Of those, 12 percent have gotten married or been in a committed relationship with someone they met through online dating—a notable increase from just 3 percent in 2013.

Online dating appears to be a practical way to date for most people. According to the study, roughly 60 percent of participants have had positive experiences with dating platforms. Many people have success finding romantic partners online, whether they're looking for something casual or long term. Overall, the majority of participants found it relatively easy to meet potentially compatible partners in terms of those they found attractive or with whom they shared hobbies and interests.

Research shows, however, there are negative side effects of online dating, particularly for young women. According to the survey, 60 percent of women ages 18 to 34 say someone on an app or dating site kept contacting them after they said they weren't interested while about the same percentage of women in that age group reported that they were sent unsolicited sexually explicit pictures or messages.

Bobby says the reason for many of the negative aspects of online dating could be a lack of what she calls a "shared community." "Connecting through online dating feels much more like meeting a virtual stranger and having to establish points of meaningful connection with little real-world experience to go on," she says. "Furthermore, the absence of a shared community or relationships make it easier to ghost or be inconsiderate without concern of consequences to your reputation or comfort in your community."

How to Get the Most Out of Online Dating

Before you download an app or two and create your profile, Bobby recommends some soul-searching. The last thing you want to do is start matching with people online, get to talking, and realize you have no idea what you're looking for out of a partner or a relationship.

"Spend time and energy getting clear about who you are and what you really want in a relationship, and think about who your ideal partner is," says Bobby. "Also, think about what your ideal partner is seeking in a prospective mate and how you can connect with them authentically."

It's also important to do some research about the app you decide to download and find out how it works. Then, spend some time and energy on your profile. Choose pictures and prompts that show who you are, what you like, and how you present yourself to the world. If it's clear you haven't put any thought or effort into your profile, potential partners might assume you'll take the same approach in a relationship.

Once you've created your profile, don't expect to meet "the one" right away, and prepare to spend a significant amount of time vetting potential partners. But since we don't have all the time in the world to swipe, having a system to weed out those with whom you are incompatible is key. "Develop a process to help you cut through the fluff and get to know who someone really is as quickly as possible," she says. "A five-minute call will often tell you all you need to know."

What to Avoid When Using Dating Apps

Odds are, if you've participated in online dating, you have a few bad date stories. Often the cause of these negative experiences is that your expectations don't match up with reality. Bobby says that while online dating requires some "marketing savvy" and the ability to, in essence, sell yourself online, you shouldn't sacrifice the truth to come across as what you perceive to be "better."

"Never misrepresent yourself or try to appear as something you're not," she says. "You might get online interactions, but they'll quickly fizzle when it becomes apparent that you are different than what your potential partner was expecting." If you're looking for a truly meaningful relationship, concealing aspects of yourself that you're afraid others won't like or accept on your profile is counterproductive. Be authentic, and you'll attract those with similar values.

On the other hand, avoid falling victim to someone you suspect is being deceitful on their profile by noticing red flags. Not everyone has social media or updates it regularly, but most people who do will be glad to share their profiles with you when asked. And most of the time, if someone is truly interested, they'll hop on a phone call or video chat with you before meeting up, even if they feel a bit awkward. Going into a date "cold" with someone you aren't entirely sure about can often end up being a waste of time and lead to disappointment.

Lastly, when you do get that match or first date, it's important for you and a prospective partner to feel a certain chemistry, but don't rely on it completely. "When you are evaluating potential partners, do not make the mistake of prioritizing 'chemistry' over character," says Bobby. Too much wit and charm may give you butterflies, but it can also be a sign that the person is a "player" or even a narcissist.

How Likely Are You to Find "The One" Online?

A healthy relationship is totally possible whether you're meeting people in person or online, but the two methods differ for a variety of reasons. The fact is, there are positives to meeting IRL. When two people meet organically, it's probably because they already have something in common, like friends or hobbies. "This natural convergence of circumstances, relationships, or interests is a strength for a new relationship," says Bobby. "They provide a budding couple with more opportunities for authentic connection as well as more social pressure to treat each other decently, even if it's not ultimately a good match."

But that doesn't mean online dating can't be equally as successful. Since everyone on a dating site is (presumably) available, you have ample opportunities to put yourself out there and find a good match. When you engage in social events where you're likely to meet new people, the pool of those who are single and looking is much smaller than when you're on an app or dating site where everyone is in the same boat as you.

"Singles seeking relationships are looking to connect online," says Bobby. "That reality means that it's highly likely of finding 'the one' because they're in the same place, also looking for you!" If you're straightforward about what you want, it increases your chances of finding a good partner even more.

No matter your intentions, there seems to be something for everyone when dating online—just be clear about your expectations. Embrace new experiences, learn a little about yourself, and don't forget to have fun. You may even meet your dream partner.

The 6 Essential Rules of Dating

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Based on the most recent data, one-third of Americans have used a dating app at some point. Previous data showed that 19% of all internet users are using some type of online dating. So, many people are familiar with the various apps and sites, which include Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish, and others.

But, a lot of people also are disillusioned with online dating and often say it just “feels weird.” Others put it more bluntly: online dating is bad and it sucks. This is the common feedback I get from clients and friends.

Well, one analysis in 2020 found that online dating app users were different from non-users: they were more likely to use illegal drugs, have less self-control, abuse alcohol, and engage in sexually deceptive behavior.

And, some research suggests a third of people using online dating haven’t even gotten a date! Only 39% of users have used online dating to get into a relationship. For Tinder, one analysis found 70% of people never have gone on a date and most people use the app for attention and to waste time.

And, the quality of relationships derived from online dating seems to be lower. Research shows that people who met online are more likely to break up in the first year and they are three times more likely to get divorced if they get married.

So, I’m not making it up when I say online dating doesn’t work for a lot of people. And, I think the reason is that it takes a complex process that evolved over hundreds of thousands of years, and tries to do it in a very limited and modern way. So, to put it more simply: it’s unnatural.

Here are the reasons why online dating is unnatural.

Online Dating Is Too Logical And Conscious

Attraction is highly emotional. We decide whom we like in the older parts of our brains, the emotional centers (often called “the limbic system”). We have a saying “attraction is not a choice,” which means you can’t intellectually “think” your way into (or out of) attraction. You can choose whom you date and your actions resulting from attraction, but you can’t choose attraction.

Because of this, a lot of our attraction preferences are outside our conscious awareness. The newer and logical parts of our brains simply aren’t involved in attraction.

So you may be attracted to muscular guys with deep voices, or your boss, and not even fully know why. You may have convinced yourself you like your boss because he’s into Harry Potter and other common interests, but in reality you are attracted to him because women typically are attracted to men in power. Because, if you think about it, you aren’t attracted to five of your co-workers who also have multiple common interests.

But, when you go online to look for a guy, you think logically, so you swipe right on the guys who share common interests. And, you end up going on bad dates with guys more like your five co-workers than your boss. Why? Because online dating encourages logical and conscious choices and doesn’t allow for the more subconscious and emotional factors to play out.

Since online dating is logical, it also means you may have swiped left (rejected) on guys you would have felt something for had you met in person (like your boss).

Yes, online dating is taking something largely emotional and subconscious and making it logical and conscious, and it’s no wonder so many people aren’t happy!

In the video below I tell a story that shows just how ridiculous it would be to approach real-world dating the way we do online.

Charisma Matters

Charisma is important in assessing attraction. Charisma can be thought of as presence, warmth, and power. This is very hard, if not impossible, to assess online, and even harder from a few photos and a brief bio (if you are even screening for that at all). So, dating apps simply can’t reasonably determine if that person you’re evaluating is charismatic.

But, charisma does matter. Many of our female clients describe crushing on guys who have a lot of charisma. These guys have a presence about them, a personal confidence, and also have a great sense of humor. These are guys many women would likely swipe left on (or pre-screen based on filters) on dating apps.

While women find personality and charisma more attractive than men do (men assess attraction more visually), we guys still find more women attractive in person than online simply due to presence. For example, I have liked women in person I know I wouldn’t “like” online. They have had a certain presence and flirtatiousness that could never be conveyed online.

Smell Matters

You may not know it, but scent is critical for human attraction. While there is debate whether humans have or respond to pheromones (basically love chemicals that some animals clearly have), smell still seems to play an important role in attraction and compatibility, and it’s largely outside of our conscious awareness.

For example, in one study women rated men with attractive faces as healthier, sexier, and more attractive not by seeing their actual faces, but simply from their smell! And research shows women may have a keener sense of smell than men, so smell is even more important for women when evaluating attractiveness.

Obviously online dating eliminates this component of compatibility entirely, although there are some services out there that apparently will match you based on the clothing samples men have worn.

Personality Matters

This overlaps with charisma, but includes other factors like kindness, attitude, intelligence, and even quirkiness or something unique that just pulls you to that person. You can kind of figure out personality from a dating profile, but it’s challenging and not accurate. Why? Because in person you’re evaluating personality from more than just words; you’re likely picking up a vibe from a person’s mannerisms and body language, impossible to gauge accurately online.

Also, comments that might come across as quirky and even fun in real life often come across as weird or creepy on a profile.

Online dating sites try to assess personality, but I believe that they miss the point. Answering a bunch of questions (as OK Cupid does to determine a percentage of “compatibility”) more reflects the output of your logical brain, than your actual personality.

As with charisma, conveying your actual personality (and assessing someone else’s) online is almost impossible.

Rapport (And Time) Matter

The biggest issue with online dating is that a true connection requires rapport. Despite the surge of online dating’s popularity, only 39% of couples met online (warning: pdf), with more people still meeting in real life.

I believe this is because rapport is often necessary for a connection to develop. The way most people build rapport is by spending time together, although I do believe it can be built more quickly, but that’s not very common. Rapport is necessary as a kind of “gut feeling” way to assess if someone is safe and right for you.

This is why a lot of women ultimately fall for co-workers, classmates, friends, or celebrities (even though the rapport is one-sided here, it is still felt). If they saw these same guys on a dating app or even were approached by them at a club, most women would reject them.

Women in particular need to feel some comfort with a guy before they will give them a chance romantically. There are evolutionary reasons I won’t get into here, but let’s just say that if you don’t feel some type of safety with a guy you’re less likely to feel attraction.

You simply can’t build rapport and connection online from a profile and a few photos. If you could spend some time with some of those people you’re swiping left on, you’d probably feel attraction. But, online dating doesn’t allow it.

We Really Don’t Know What We Want Online

When sorting online, we think things matter that really don’t. For example, since companies allow us to sort by things like height, body type, income, politics, common interests, distance, and age, we think these are important. In reality, while they matter to a degree generally (most 20-somethings aren’t looking to date 70-somethings, but this can happen too), strict exact numbers might be getting in the way of a real love connection.

In real life, we treat people as a unified package. Most love connections happen, as I mentioned above, based on subconscious emotional factors that create chemistry. So, you feel that chemistry for your kind and cute co-worker, so you’ll overlook the fact that he may have different common interests or not be as tall as you like. However, online he’s not treated as a whole person, but as a composite of traits and checklists.

That doesn’t sound very human does it? Because it’s not! And this might explain why a lot of people, women in particular, are very picky online, swiping right on only 4.5% of guys (data within full study) and rating 85% of guys unattractive (men swipe right over 60% of the time and rate the same percentage of women as attractive). However, this is online. This clearly shows that it is nearly impossible to realistically evaluate someone online, unless we truly believe that only 15% of guys are dateable.

And, you may not even know what you’re sorting for. So, the professor you had a crush on might have been older than you estimated, or shorter (since research shows people rate professors and other guys with status as taller). So, ironically, the guy you like more than anything might be outside your age and height filters online!

In conclusion, I can only imagine what would have happened to classic romances throughout history if they had begun online. The reality is they likely wouldn’t have begun at all. And, this may explain why even though you’re pickier than ever, on more apps than before, and going on more dates, you’re not meeting the right person. It may also explain why you can’t seem to ever find the quality person you’re looking for online, even though you see a lot of quality people around you every day.

So…

The man with piercing eye contact who walks into your work like he owns the place, whom you couldn’t stop thinking about…he’s filtered because he was too old.

The flirtatious and fun woman who you fantasize about daily…she’s filtered because her body type isn’t athletic.

The strangely funny and nerdy guy you see at Starbucks every morning…you swiped left because he doesn’t take good photos.

The cute and nice girl you see on the subway every day…you didn’t even see her because she’s outside your distance range of 20 miles.

So, the reason you can’t find the love of your life online is that the very medium itself isn’t equipped for the task of finding love.

By Dr. Seth Meyers

Cognitive distortion is the fancy term for a distorted belief, a belief that doesn’t make sense because it’s not rooted in reality.

For example, a thin woman who truly feels that she’s overweight has a distorted belief. The idea is that this distorted belief is pervasive and has the effect of making this woman feel badly about herself.

Another example: I may come up with a million reasons why a date might not like me, but the root problem could be that I have a distorted belief about myself that underlies everything I say and do: the belief that “I am not good enough” or that “Something is wrong with me.”

Some therapists are called cognitive-behavioral therapists, and this type of therapist focuses on the beliefs you have about yourself and helps you uncover any distorted beliefs that might be holding you back in your life.

When it comes to dating, men and women fall prey to all sorts of distorted beliefs even though they probably don’t realize it.

I’ll review some of the most common ones that make dating stressful and unpleasant, and odds are that you are probably guilty of having at least one or two of these beliefs. (All of us are fallible, including psychologists and therapists.) See which ones resonate the most with you.

Once you identify the one or ones which you display, pat yourself on the back because becoming aware of these patterns is the first step to changing them.

1. Over-generalization.

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With this distorted belief, we arrive at a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we convince ourselves that it will happen every time.

For example, if your last date didn’t want to kiss you at the end of the evening, you over-generalize the situation and tell yourself “No one is attracted to me.”

The healthy way to frame the experience: “I don’t know why she didn’t like me, but people have liked me in the past, and someone will inevitably like me again in the future.”

2. Jumping to conclusions.

weheartit

Jumping to conclusions represents one of the most common mistakes men and women make in dating, falling prey to the belief that they have x-ray vision and can see what someone else thinks and feels.

Without your date saying anything, you know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. The tendency to jump to conclusions and convince yourself that you know what the other person thinks or feels represents a distorted belief because you simply cannot know what someone new thinks or feels. Why? Because you hardly know that person! Plain and simple, you have a distorted belief.

3. Catastrophizing.

stereogum

Men and women who present the next distorted belief, catastrophizing, tend to be overly emotional. They may be drama queens or attention seekers, or they may have anxiety, profound insecurities, or bad tempers. Regardless of the specifics, they are emotional people and can be highly emotionally reactive.

With this distorted belief, you are always waiting for disaster to strike. For example, the guy you have gone out with a few times suddenly stops responding to your calls and texts for a day. Because your distorted belief system causes you to see everything as a potential catastrophe, you instantly tell yourself that he lost interest, broke up without even telling you, and is probably getting back together with his ex-girlfriend.

People who have this distorted belief – that a catastrophe awaits around any corner – tend to have intense highs and lows in their dating relationships.

4. Personalizing.

idiva

Personalizing reflects another distorted belief that impacts many men and women in dating. Personalizing refers to the tendency to take something personally that may not be personal.

For example, you call the woman you just started dating on the phone and she sounds distracted and irritated, so you personalize the situation and have the distorted belief that the way she acted with you had to do with the way she feels about you.

The healthy reaction: “I don’t know her very well so I can’t be sure what to make of her mood, so I will wait a day and things will probably go back to normal.”

The takeaway message:

Overall, most of us are guilty of having some distorted beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. The goal isn’t to have perfectly happy and normal beliefs all the time, but to catch ourselves when our thinking might be getting a little off-track.

Keep an eye on your tendency to indulge in any of these four distorted beliefs, and you will have a much less anxious – and more fulfilling – time dating.

This article was originally published at eharmony. Reprinted with permission from the author.

I’m not exactly sure when I decided that dating apps were not for me. Maybe it was the time I went on a date with a guy who tried to recite the entire script of the 1988 horror movie Child’s Play (“And then Chucky says, ‘Wanna play?’”). Or maybe it was when I was on a date with a guy who grabbed my crotch under the table not 10 minutes after I’d sat down. But by the time I was ready to permanently delete these apps, I was also hooked: hooked on platforms meticulously designed to be addictive – as well as, I would argue, to deliver up women’s bodies to men.

Let’s face it: dating apps have been terrible for women – especially straight women like me who have to deal with the straight men who use them. (Although, from what I’ve heard from my sources and media reports, LGTBQ+ women have plenty to complain about as well.) For years I’ve been puzzled by why no one wants to be the one to say it – is it fear of looking like an “old” or a prude? – but here goes: I believe that online dating has made single women overall less happy, less likely to find a long-term partner, and more at risk of experiencing sexual violence. All of which has only gotten worse since the pandemic, when dating sites have become pretty much the only way to date for millions of people across the world. Since Covid, business media tell us, online dating has “surged”.

This isn’t to say there haven’t always been more risks for women when it comes to dating – of course there have. But dating apps have led to the normalization of abuses which would have been considered appalling in other, supposedly less progressive eras. Unsolicited dick pics, harassing messages, and the non-consensual sharing of nudes are now routine features of dating for women across demographics. What some would chalk up to “the new dating culture” are actually crimes that women have been told to laugh off lest they look like they’re just not cool girls.

Dating app companies, which inhabit a multibillion-dollar industry, have been very adept at co-opting feminism in the marketing of their products as “empowering”. Yet they do next to nothing to help women with their very real concerns. In a 2019 survey by ProPublica and Columbia Journalism Investigations of 1,200 women who said they had used an online dating platform in the past 15 years, “more than a third of the women said they were sexually assaulted by someone they had met through a dating app” and “[o]f these women, more than half said they were raped”. These are astronomical figures, and yet somehow still largely left out of the online dating conversation.

Nearly every one of the hundreds of women and girls I’ve interviewed about online dating over the last several years has told me she’s experienced some incident where she didn’t feel safe, if not something much worse. But these same women say that when they’ve tried to report these incidents, the dating apps in question often don’t even respond. How, I’ve wondered, in the #MeToo era, are these companies still able to get away with this outrageous lack of accountability?

Dating platforms which market themselves as female-friendly aren’t always any better in dealing with the problems of harassment and sexual assault on their sites. Bumble, for example, which calls itself a feminist app, has had a number of reported cases of stalking, sexual assault and rape, and users have been quoted as saying that the company has failed to address their concerns as they would have hoped.

And then there are Big Dating’s faulty promises of long-term relationships. Their marketing teams would have us believe that everybody who swipes is about to walk off into the sunset with a soulmate. But no matter how many dating app weddings we see touted in the “Vows” sections of the media, the available data does not suggest a rise in committed relationships or marriages among dating apps users. According to a 2020 study by Pew, only 39% of regular online daters – and 12% of Americans overall – “have married or been in a committed relationship with someone they first met through a dating site”. If there was a Covid vaccine with a 39% efficacy rate, would you line up for a shot?

My time on dating apps made me think about how these platforms aren’t just bad for women, but men as well – with men being inculcated into the worst aspects of toxic masculinity under the guise of “fun” (how Tinder co-founder Sean Rad described the purpose of the app in early interviews). There’s the “fun” of rating women as hot-or-not; the “fun” of having so many options, you tend to see women as disposable objects. And then there’s the fun of thinking that these apps guarantee you sex, an assumption which a 2016 study by the UK’s National Crime Agency says has factored into a startling rise in sexual assault perpetrated by male dating app users who are less likely to have a previous history of sexual violence. I don’t think there’s any question that dating apps are rape culture.

I hope women and men will reject the sexist scam of online dating in order to find and build loving relationships

Since the pandemic, the invasion of Big Dating into our most intimate of spaces has led to an overwhelming of courtship by corporations: corporations which above all want our time, our money and our data, rather than to see us find love or even good sex. (Multiple studies have shown that the hookup sex often associated with online dating is less satisfying for women overall.) The capitalistic takeover of dating will continue to be very bad for women, tearing away at our opportunities to find love and lasting relationships and destroying our self-esteem (as studies say dating apps do). Unless we do something about it, that is. The question is what.

I would argue that women should delete their dating apps en masse in some Lysistrata-like move of self-preservation; I know many women who have chucked these apps and find themselves much happier for it. But I doubt most women – or most people, regardless of gender - will follow suit. One of the most insidious aspects of dating apps is, again, that they are designed to be addictive – so addictive that many people say they use them without intending to ever meet up with someone in person. I think this is one of the greatest dangers of online dating: that the new dating technologies will eventually become more important to people than other human beings. Sadly, I think this is already starting to happen.

But then when it comes to love, hope springs eternal. My hope is that, somehow, one day, love will indeed conquer all, and both women and men will reject the sexist scam of online dating in order to find and build loving, caring relationships as equal partners. Have some people already found this through online dating? I don’t doubt they have. But this doesn’t make the harm that is coming to others through these platforms any less urgent to address.

Wondering why online dating doesn’t work for you?

If you're like many guys, it's not for lack of trying. You probably spend countless hours every week clicking through profiles and messaging attractive women on dating sites and apps.

You get a response every now and again, but rarely from anyone you actually want to date.

Even worse, you’ve been ghosted so many times your bros have started calling you Casper.

You’re totally over Tinder and whichever other dating app it was that you tried last week.

Isn’t it just better to hang out in the produce aisle and ask women how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe? At least then you’re pretty much guaranteed to get some kind of response, right?

Revealed: The Opening Line No Woman Can Resist! [Access Now]

Don’t worry – you’re not alone in your angst. It's not uncommon to feel like dating sites don't work for men.

A full third of guys who try online dating sites and apps never go on a single date.

And that’s despite spending 5.2 hours a week looking at profiles, then another 6.7 hours sending out messages.

That adds up to around 12 hours a week, all in hopes of scoring a date that lasts approx. 1.8 hours.

Modern dating’s not only exhausting – It’s a part-time job!

Why online dating doesn't work for many guys:

1. Men tend to outnumber women, so the odds aren't stacked in your favor.
2. Matching algorithms aren't very effective.
3. You're doing it wrong.

Some combination of those reasons is likely the source of your frustration, so let's take a closer look at each problem.

Problem #1: Tons of men compete for the hottest women.

Most dating sites and apps have more men than women, which means the most attractive women get bombarded with messages. The competition’s absolutely fierce.

Problem #2: It's hard to quantify compatibility.

Matching algorithms don’t workbecause they typically rely on information that’s easily quantifiable online, such as behavioral traits and simple beliefs. But how do you quantify chemistry on a dating site?

You can't.

Face to face interaction is the only way to see if sparks fly between the two of you.

Plus, predicting compatibility in long-term relationships is almost impossible because success is in part determined by how a couple deals with life’s stresses, both big and small.

Problem #3:Trying hard doesn't equal having a strategy.

Odds are excellent if you don't have a game plan firmly in hand, you're probably going about it all wrong. Even the slightest misstep can destroy your chances, and you’re making a number of mistakes.

The hotter a woman is, the more messages she receives – and the pickier she has to become.

She doesn’t have time to talk to everyone, so she’s forced to make split second decisions regarding who’s worthy of her time.

In fact, somestudies have found the average reply rate for women is less than 20%. Which means if she has the slightest reason to eliminate you from the running, she will.

That’s why you can never seem to attract the caliber of women you really want to meet.

So those are your three main problems, and we'll get to the solutions in a minute.

But first, let's make sure you're not committing one of these all-too-common online dating mistakes.

4 Big Online Dating Mistakes (You're Probably Making)

Mistake #1: Not understanding what makes an attractive online dating photo.

Swiping often involves split second decisions.

If your primary photo doesn't immediately connect with her in a positive way, she likely won't bother looking at anything else in your profile before swiping left.

Mistake #2: Turning her off with a cringe-worthy username.

OnPlenty Of Fish (POF), one of the most popular free dating sites, your username is all over the place. Most notably in her search results and in her inbox. If it’s not attractive and enticing, you’re sunk.

Mistake #3: Half-assing your dating profile.

Whether she’s looking for a husband or a hookup, she wants some sort of reassurance you’re taking online dating seriously.

Why would she return a message from a guy who can’t even summon the effort to answer a few basic profile questions?

Mistake #4: Sending her a lame icebreaker.

Attractive women get absolutely bombarded with messages from guys just like you on dating sites and apps.

If you’re sending her the same boring variation of “hi there” as all those other guys, don’t hold your breath for a response.

As Aziz Ansari noted in his book, Modern Romance, men spend way too much time focusing on the “online” part of online dating.

Scrolling through profiles, doggedly churning out message after message to the attractive women they want to date.

The good news is perseverance eventually pays off. The bad news is the average guy has to send out a whopping 114 messages to be guaranteed 1 response.

So in a nutshell:

You have to spend a ton of time messaging women online to even get the chance to start a message exchange that leads to meeting her offline.

But you’re probably committing at *least* one of the above mentioned mistakes so your response rate sucks, requiring you to send out more messages.

Vicious cycle anyone?

It’s no wonder you’re stuck in a perpetual loop of frustration, tedium and loneliness.

Let’s Talk About Solutions…

Basically all a guy like you has to do is instantly grab her attention in a memorable way with both your profile and your messages, then spend the least amount of time possible convincing her to meet you in person.

Hey, we never said it was an easy solution.

Being successful at online dating is the same as being successful at anything – it takes practice and effort. So much effort that a lot of men outsource their online dating.

Think of it this way – if your car needs new brakes, you could watch a YouTube video and then do it yourself.

But you’ve got a guy for that.

Why get your hands dirty when it’s so much quicker and easier to bring in an expert?

Modern dating is no different. A virtual dating assistant does the hard part for you.

The profile writing, the photo selection, the tedious back and forth messaging. Literally all you do is show up for the dates.

So that’s solution #1: Bring in an online dating expert.

For all you DIY’ers out there who don’t mind spending that 12 hours a week on dating sites and apps, solution #2 is this: Minimize the time you spend online while maximizing the number of dates you get.

Here’s how to make that happen in 5 steps. Get ready to take some notes…

How To Make Online Dating Work In 5 Steps

Step #1: Drop Your Line In The Right Pond

If you want to save time and frustration, focus your efforts on the sites and apps that best fit your circumstances.

Here are the dating websites and apps we’ve gotten the best overall results for our clients on here at VIDA:

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):2

The most popular dating app in the US, Tinder is the go-to choice for the younger set.

If you’re a guy under 25, you should be on it. But you'll find singles in their 30s, 40s and beyond using it as well, so it's worth the download to check out the singles near you.

The majority of users live in larger cities, but since it’s location based it makes sense to try it even if you live in a more remote area.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):8

Match.com is one of the most recognizable names in online dating, and it has the huge user base to prove it.

It’s a paid site, but the monthly subscription fee weeds out the fakes and flakes.

Most of the women on it are serious about meeting someone, so it’s a good place to spend your time.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):6

Similar to Tinder, Bumble is a swipe-based app.

But it has one unique feature – only women can initiate contact. You’ll need strong photos to get her swiping right.

The dating pool isn’t as large as what you’ll find on Tinder, but Bumble is the second most popular dating app in the US and it attracts high-quality women who are serious about finding a relationship.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):9

Hinge is one of the fastest growing apps in Match Group's dating portfolio, and it's squarely aimed at users seeking serious relationships.

It's been around for awhile, and was redesigned a few years back with millennial singles in mind.

But it's a popular dating app with the entire spectrum of ages, and a good app to try in combination with Tinder or Bumble.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):6

For all you “quality over quantity” types, CMB is the app for you.

Men get 21 potential matches a day, while women receive a curated group of 5 or so guys who have already swiped right.

It's not as popular as some of the other dating apps on this list, so consider using it in addition to Bumble, Tinder, or Hinge.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):5

Plenty Of Fish (POF), is the #1 free dating site out there, so it’s worth a shot just based on the sheer number of users.

But prepare to spend extra time screening profiles – the free sites tend to attract more low quality matches than a paid site like Match.com. There’s diamonds to be found, but you’ve got to put in some work to unearth them.

It's popular with users of all ages.

For more on the best dating sites and apps, according to your age, check out this article.

Do Niche Dating Sites & Apps Work?

You may be lured by the promise of meeting ultra-compatible, like-minded people on niche dating sites likeElite Singles,Christian Mingle orSingle Parent Meet.

While you may find some high-quality matches, keep in mind those sites just aren't as popular as mainstream ones. So you're sifting through a much smaller user pool. 

In other words, you may find someone incredible, but it could take a lot longer.

If you do create a dating profile on a niche site, make sure you're simultaneously using a larger, more popular dating platform for the best chances.

Step #2: Make Your Photos As Attractive As Possible

First impressions are everything in online dating. If you don’t put some effort into choosing your strongest online dating photos, your messages are doomed before you even hit “send”.

Attractive photos will get her swiping right, checking out your profile, and responding to your message.

If you’re not the next Bradley Cooper, don’t worry. “Sexy” transcends physical looks.

You just have to know how to hit her attraction triggers.

Radiating confidence is essential, especially in your primary photo. Strong eye contact projects it in spades.

Make sure the rest of your pictures portray all your sexy, desirable, “dateable” traits.

Show her you’ve got the basics of life covered: a roof over your head, presentable clothes, the financial resources to travel and have a social life… you get the idea. Give her a glimpse into your life in a way that makes her eager to spend time with you.

For Dating Photos, More Is Not Better

Depending on which site or app you’re using, you may have the opportunity to upload 20+ pictures.

But just because you can… doesn’t mean you should.

Stick with a range of 3 to 7 photos. It’s hard to give her a good idea of your personality in less than 3, and it’s almost impossible to look equally good in more than 7.

The number of photos you use can have a huge impact on your number of matches on dating apps.

For instance, using at least 3 photos on Tinder will get you 6x more matches than just using 1.

Tinder even has a built in feature calledSmart Photos to help you determine which one should be your primary photo. (But don't use it as a crutch – it doesn't provide any feedback. If all your photos suck, rotating in the one that sucks least won't actually improve your odds of matching with anyone.)

On online dating sites like Match.com and OkCupid, many women limit their search results to only guys with photos, and generally won’t return a message if they don’t know what you look like.

Check out these essential online dating photo tips, and…

Stick to these general dating photo DO's and DON’Ts:

When choosing your dating photos, do:

• Select ones taken with a good quality camera. It will make you look more attractive.
• Include at least one full body photo. You want to see what she looks like from the shoulders down – she’s the same way. Using one in your photo lineup will increase your response rate.
• Only use one group shot, and don't lead with it. Studies have shown they can decrease your response rate, especially if she's guessing who sent the message.
• Get female feedback on your photos. Your bros aren’t your dating prospects – ask women what they think instead.

But don't:

• Point your smartphone at a bathroom mirror, especially if you’re shirtless. In a Match survey, almost 30% of women said mirror selfies were a turn off, and 33% said they wouldn’t date a guy who posted a shirtless selfie.

• Use flash. It tacks 7 years onto your perceived age online.
• Include overtly sexual photos, even on a more casual app like Tinder. The vast majority of women find them distasteful.
• Post pro photos obviously taken in a studio. Pro shots can be a great idea, but if it’s obvious you hired one, she’ll think you’re trying too hard to impress her. Have the photographer meet you at a visually interesting outdoor spot instead.

Step #3: Bring Your Profile A-Game

While nailing your photos is arguably your biggest priority, if you want to reel in the highest quality women, you need a top notch profile.

Different dating sites and apps have varying formats and character lengths. But when it comes to how to write a good dating profile, there are a few golden rules to follow:

#1: Let your confidence shine through.

We talked about it in the photo section, and the same rules apply to your profile.

Research has shown time and again that women are instinctively drawn to certain traits like bravery, intelligence, and a willing to take risks.

Basically, if it would keep you from getting voted off the island on Survivor, she’s going to think it’s hot.

Make sure your profile highlights these kind of personality traits in an attractive way.

#2: Show, don’t tell.

Reciting a laundry list of adjectives in your bio is boring, as is the case with this real profile example:

Boring is the kiss of death in online dating.

Instead of writing something like “I’m adventurous, loyal, funny, and love to travel” show her how you embody those things.

Something like this would work great:

The example above draws her in and makes her want to learn more about you. Plus, it’s loaded with attraction information between the lines as well.

By telling her a story, you’ve also shown her you’re physically fit enough for water sports, brave enough to do them, and financially sound enough for Caribbean trips.

That’s hot.

#3: Don’t make it all about you.

No one wants to date a “me monster,” so don’t make your profile 100% about you.

Shoot for around 70%. That leaves 30% about her, which studies have found to be the most attractive ratio for an online dating profile.

For dating sites like Match and POF where the profiles are typically longer, this 4-paragraph formula creates a winner every time:

1. Grab her attention with a compelling story or anecdote.
2. Tell her what you do for a living in an interesting way.
3. Describe a few of your hobbies, interests, etc.
4. Let her know what type of woman you’re looking for.

For everything you need to know about writing profiles for dating sites and apps, check out these examples for guys!

Step #4: Optimize How You Appear In Her Search Results

There are a few places in your online dating profile where bending the truth will maximize your results.

Quick caveat – be honest about the biggies, like whether or not you have kids and what you do for a living. With everything listed below, stick to slight exaggerations only.

Remember the goal is to meet her in real life, and if what you presented online doesn’t match what’s sitting across from her at the table, your date probably won’t end on a high note.

But fudging these facts will get your profile in front of more women:

#1: Your age.

When deciding on their ideal partner’s age range, women tend to think in round numbers – like 30-40.

So if you’re 42, you won’t pop up in her search results.

And if you send her a message, she might automatically dismiss you because in her mind you’re too old. Shave a couple years off, and boom – you’re in.

#2: Your height.

On average, men add about 2” to their height, and a UK study found the taller you are, the more messages you get.

So if you don’t exaggerate your height a tad you’re putting yourself at a major disadvantage. Key word being “a tad”.

If you’re 5’7” in real life and 5’11” online, your 5’8” date is not going to be happy.

#3: Your weight.

81% of online daters lied about their weight online, just like you probably did on your driver’s license.

Just keep the number firmly grounded in reality, and you should be fine.

#4: Your zip code.

This one mostly applies to daters who live in larger cities with multiple zip codes, like New York City.

If you’re in Brooklyn and she’s in Manhattan, she might rule you out because she thinks you’re not within dating distance.

So if you work in a more central area, considering using your office’s zip code. Or if you don’t mind driving a bit for dates, choose a zip code closer to the city center.

Step #5: Message More Women In Less Time

Online dating is a numbers game – remember that depressing stat about sending out 100+ messages to be completely certain you’ll get 1 back?

Here’s another that’s just as bad – women only respond to about 4% of the messages they receive online.

Ya – that’s why “Hey” isn’t working out so well for you and the other 96% of guys who send boring messages like that.

If you want to be in that magical 4%, you need an icebreaker that smokes the competition – and when you get one that works, you need to send it to a ton of women.

You need the magic of copy & paste.

The basic premise is simple:

Don’t spend precious time painstakingly reading through her profile and writing a custom message based on it. Instead, you can spend the same amount of time sending multiple women a message that seems like you wrote it just for her.

Here’s an example that has worked well for our clients on dating sites like Match.com:

Of course, messages are generally a lot shorter on dating apps like Tinder. Here's a short icebreaker that gets great results:

See how you could fire off those messages to any women who catches your eye?

Even OkCupid’s head honcho acknowledges the copy & paste method works.

We’ve got even more examples of copy and paste messages that will help you start an online dating conversation.

There you have it – why online dating doesn’t work for most guys, plus 5 steps to turn your game around.

Of course, you can do it in 1 easy step by hiring a team of modern dating experts.

One quick phone call, and you could be enjoying a date with your dream girl each weekend instead of spending 12 hours a week sending out message after message hoping to get a response.

The choice is yours!

Heterosexual dating conventions have long held that men make the first move: first to flirt, first to ask out on a date, first to propose.

What if the roles were reversed?

That’s what one dating app, Bumble, has tried to do.

Bumble brands itself as a feminist dating app that’s designed to empower women. According to Bumble’s website, the app was developed to “challenge the antiquated rules of dating” by requiring those who identify as women to initiate communication with men they match with.

With over 100 million users as of 2020, Bumble is one of the most popular dating apps on the market, and in interviews I conducted with over 100 people about online dating in my “Connecting Digitally” study, more than half reported using Bumble.

But my research shows that Bumble, despite purporting to empower women, leaves many female users feeling frustrated and vulnerable. This disconnect can be linked in part to the ways in which many men engage with online dating apps.

When a match is meaningless

Bumble’s attempts at “levelling the playing field and changing the dynamics of dating” and empowering users to “connect with confidence” makes sense in theory, but not in practice.

Women in my study reported a number of counterproductive user practices based on their own swiping experiences and conversations with male Bumble users.

A 39-year-old female participant in my study described the frustration of making the first move and not getting any response: “So then all of a sudden you’re a match, but they would never say anything or respond to you … you wouldn’t hear from them. What’s the point? Why even bother?”

Rather than evaluating profiles carefully and swiping “yes” on women they’re serious about, men are often likely to swipe right based only on the profile photo.

In addition, many men approach online dating as a numbers game and practice what some call “power swiping” or “shotgun swiping” by saying “yes” to everyone and seeing who shows interest and matches with them. Many of them will only read a women’s profile information after matching.

Lastly, because some men are just swiping for the ego boost of “likes,” they’ll simply delete the match rather than respond to a women’s invitation to chat.

Women in my study often pointed out that a match was far from a guarantee of mutual interest. Unfortunately, due to “the gamification of dating” – the way the apps are designed to be engaging and addictive – mindless swiping is a common phenomena across all dating apps, not just Bumble.

Communication and power

For decades, language scholars have been researching how people connect – or fail to connect – in conversation.

We say that the person speaking “holds the floor,” and they can wield power through choosing the topic, talking for longer periods of time and steering the conversation in certain directions.

However, not all power is maintained through holding the floor. Not taking up a speaker’s topic in conversation, either by changing the topic or ignoring the question altogether, is another way to exercise power.

In other words, in any conversation, it takes two to tango. As the authors of a study on email communication and response times put it, “failure to respond or to take the floor creates a breakdown.” On dating apps, not responding to an opening message is akin to ignoring someone who’s asking you a question in a face-to-face conversation.

On Bumble, women may be given the control to take the floor first and direct the initial topic of conversation through, as Bumble terms it, “first move privileges.” However, when men fail to respond or unmatch after receiving that opening message, the women in my study reported feeling dismissed, rejected and, ultimately, disempowered.

In 2020, Bloomberg published an article exploring Bumble’s marketing tactics and brand messaging. Though the company maintains that requiring women to message first “reduces harassment” and “creates a kinder exchange between two people,” the author of the article noted that Bumble was never able to provide tangible proof of “how Bumble was keeping women safer or leading to more equitable relationships.”

Switching poles doesn’t solve the problem

On a positive note, Bumble has become a catalyst for conversation about gender, power and communication in online dating. And while many may not be ready for women to make the first move, most of the male and female Bumble users in my study noted that they chose the app precisely because of its philosophy of empowering women. To me, this speaks to the fact that people are ready to embrace Bumble’s goals of “shaking up outdated gender norms.”

That hasn’t stopped some men and women from decrying Bumble’s unique design as sexist. In fact, a class action lawsuit filed in 2018 accused Bumble of discriminating against heterosexual male app users because the app only allows women to send messages first. Bumble denied wrongdoing, but agreed to settle in 2021 to avoid further costly litigation.

A 37-year-old female participant in my study thought the app’s emphasis on gender was artificial and constrictive: “I don’t like it when people limit things by sex or gender. That doesn’t feel empowering to me. It just feels like they’re trying to [enact] reverse sexism.”

By creating a situation where the right to speak and direct conversation is only given to members identifying with one gender, the work of coming up with unique and engaging opening messages falls on that group.

Men have traditionally done more of this work. Many of them don’t exactly cherish initiating conversations with countless strangers, a process that’s rife with anxiety and rejection.

For heterosexual matches on Bumble, women are now required to do the part. Yet to place the work of initiating conversation solely on one group seems to encourage passivity in the other party, which seems to only hamper healthy communication.

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I’m not exactly sure when I decided that dating apps were not for me. Maybe it was the time I went on a date with a guy who tried to recite the entire script of the 1988 horror movie Child’s Play (“And then Chucky says, ‘Wanna play?’”). Why dating doesnt work for women maybe it was when I was on a date with a guy who grabbed my crotch under the table not 10 minutes after I’d sat down. But by the time I was ready to permanently delete these apps, I was also hooked: hooked on platforms meticulously designed to be addictive – as well as, I would argue, to deliver up women’s bodies to why dating doesnt work for women face why dating doesnt work for women dating apps have been terrible for women – especially straight women like me who have to why dating doesnt work for women with the straight men who use them, why dating doesnt work for women. (Although, from what I’ve heard from my sources and media reports, LGTBQ+ women have plenty to complain about as well.) For years I’ve been puzzled by why no one wants to be the one to say it – is it fear of looking like an “old” or a prude? – but here goes: I believe that online dating has made single women overall less happy, less likely to find a long-term partner, and more at risk of experiencing sexual violence. All of which has only gotten worse since the pandemic, when dating sites have become pretty much the only way to date for millions of people across the world. Since Covid, business media tell us, online dating has “surged”.

This isn’t why dating doesnt work for women say there haven’t always been more risks for women when it comes to dating – of course there have. But dating apps have led to the normalization of abuses which would have been considered appalling in other, supposedly less progressive eras. Unsolicited dick pics, harassing messages, and the non-consensual sharing of nudes are now routine features of dating for women across demographics. What some would chalk up to “the new dating culture” are actually crimes that women have been told to laugh off lest they look like they’re just not cool girls.

Dating app companies, which inhabit a multibillion-dollar industry, have been very adept at co-opting feminism in the marketing of their products as “empowering”. Yet they do next to nothing to help women with their very real concerns. In a 2019 survey by ProPublica and Columbia Journalism Investigations of 1,200 women who said they had used an online dating platform in why dating doesnt work for women past 15 years, “more than a third of the women said they were sexually assaulted by someone they had met through a dating app” and “[o]f these women, more than half said they were raped”. These are astronomical figures, and yet somehow still largely left out of the online dating conversation.

Nearly every one of the hundreds of women and girls I’ve interviewed about online dating over the last several years has told me she’s experienced some incident where she didn’t feel safe, if not something much worse. But these same women say that when they’ve tried to report these incidents, the dating apps in question often don’t even respond. How, I’ve wondered, in the #MeToo era, are these companies still able to get away with this outrageous lack of accountability?

Dating platforms which market themselves as female-friendly aren’t always any better in dealing with the problems of harassment and sexual assault on their sites. Bumble, for example, which calls itself a feminist app, has had a number of reported cases of stalking, sexual assault and rape, and users have been quoted as saying that the company has failed to address their concerns as they would have hoped.

And then there are Big Dating’s faulty promises of long-term relationships. Their marketing teams would have us believe that everybody who swipes is about to walk off into the sunset with a soulmate. But no matter how many dating app weddings we see touted in the “Vows” sections of the media, the available data does not suggest a rise in committed relationships or marriages among dating apps users. According to a 2020 study by Pew, only 39% of regular online daters – and 12% of Americans overall – “have married why dating doesnt work for women been in a committed relationship with someone they first met through a dating site”. If there was a Covid vaccine with a 39% efficacy rate, would you line up for a shot?

My time on dating apps made me think about how these platforms aren’t just bad for women, but men as well – with men being inculcated into the worst aspects of toxic masculinity under the guise of “fun” (how Tinder co-founder Sean Rad described the purpose of the app in early interviews). There’s the “fun” of rating women as hot-or-not; the “fun” of having so many options, you tend to see women as disposable objects. And then there’s the fun of thinking that these apps guarantee you sex, an assumption which a 2016 study by the UK’s National Crime Agency says has factored into a startling rise in sexual assault perpetrated by male dating app users who are less likely to have a previous history of sexual violence. I don’t think there’s any question that dating apps are rape culture.

I hope women and men will reject the sexist scam of online dating in order to find and build loving relationships

Since the pandemic, the invasion of Big Dating into our most intimate of spaces has led to an overwhelming of courtship by corporations: corporations which above all want our time, our money and our data, rather than to see us find love or even good sex. (Multiple studies have shown that the hookup sex often associated with online dating is less satisfying for women overall.) The capitalistic takeover of dating will continue to be very bad for women, tearing away at our opportunities to find love and lasting relationships and destroying our self-esteem (as studies say dating apps do). Unless we do something about it, that is. The question is what.

I would argue that women should delete their dating apps en masse in some Lysistrata-like move of self-preservation; I know many women who have chucked these apps and find themselves much happier for it. But I doubt most women – or most people, regardless of gender - will follow suit. One of the most insidious aspects of dating apps is, again, that they are designed to be addictive – so addictive that many people say they use them without intending to ever meet up with someone in person. I think this is one of the greatest dangers of online dating: that the new dating technologies will eventually become more important to people than other human beings. Sadly, I think this is already starting to happen.

But then when it comes to love, hope springs eternal. My hope is that, somehow, one day, love will indeed conquer all, and both women and men will reject the sexist scam of online dating in order to find and build loving, caring relationships as equal partners. Have some people already found this through online dating? I don’t doubt they have. But this doesn’t make the harm that is coming to others through these platforms any less urgent to address.

In 2015, the journalist Nancy Jo Sales — she of The Bling Ring and many a buzzy celebrity profile in the ’90s and aughts — published an article about Tinder. But it wasn’t really about Tinder per se; it was about how Tinder and dating apps like it were ushering in a new, dystopian romantic landscape in which sex was the result of an algorithm and relationships were almost never actually formed. Instead of offering real, human connection with a single swipe, Sales argued that dating apps were simply turning up the dial on hookup culture, and hetero women were once again left to work out the mental gymnastics to convince ourselves that, actually, this was good.

Yet throughout her years reporting the story, and later her book American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers and her documentary Swiped: Hooking Up in the Digital Age, Sales became one of Tinder’s most enthusiastic power users. A single mom in her 50s, she reported finding particular success on the apps with young men in their 20s, some of whom turned into exciting trysts, others awkward sexual partners, and one a life-altering heartbreak.

These are the subjects of Sales’s latest book, a memoir titled Nothing Personal: My Secret Life in the Dating App Inferno, in which she also recounts her childhood and the many instances of sexual assault she underwent as a young woman, combined with analysis of the depressing state of sexual violence and oppression that social media, she argues, exacerbates.

The result is an intensely personal (and incredibly juicy) retelling of Sales’s life as a marquee writer at New York magazine and Vanity Fair, replete with media gossip and detailed sex scenes that make it impossible to put down. In my interview with Sales, we talk about how dating apps make us feel terrible, and discuss some ideas on how to make the internet a more tolerable place for women.

Your 2015 Vanity Fair story “Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse” was one of the first viral articles that pushed back against the idea that dating apps were a net good to society, why dating doesnt work for women. Do you feel vindicated at all that in the six years since, people have been a lot less why dating doesnt work for women to Big Tech?

We’re in a techlash, which I think started around 2016 or 2017 with Cambridge Analytica and the congressional hearings. The media, finally, is criticizing the moves of Why dating doesnt work for women Tech, and we’ve come to realize that this is a really big problem in all of our lives, and we all need to go a little Upton Sinclair on this.

I call it Big Dating because it’s like Big Pharma in the sense that they’re more interested in selling you pills than curing what’s really wrong with you. Dating happens 24/7 now, whereas there used to be times when we date. To the extent that disruption is good business, I see it as an insidious thing because they’re disrupting our lives — especially women, people of color, trans people, LGBTQ people, who are more vulnerable to abuse. There has not been a reckoning at all in the way it needs to happen. Columbia Journalism Investigations surveyed 1,200 women and found that more than a third of them reported being sexually assaulted or raped by someone they’d met through a dating site.

One of the points you turn to a lot is that dating apps make people feel disposable and that they gamify dating. What impact does that have on the way we date?

Everybody’s on these sites now, and I think different generations use dating apps in slightly different ways — older people sometimes retain the dating norms of their generations. But I also think that the app controls our behavior and makes us treat everybody as disposable. My friend who is referred to as Constance in the book, who is 60, feels like she’s getting used by all these guys who are her age. She’ll check their phones and find out [these older men] are trying to hit up 20-year-olds to be their sugar daddy.

People who would normally not have had these thoughts in their heads are doing this because of dating apps. It’s imposed on you by platforms and algorithms that aren’t really about you finding love, they just want you to engage. The more you see 18-year-old women or whatever — and [the apps] have fake bots, too — it gets your dopamine spiking. So you think, “Maybe if I just keep swiping and keep swiping, why dating doesnt work for women, I’ll get another one.” It’s like gambling.

At the time of the Tinder story, people accused you of creating a moral panic and of being a pearl-clutcher. What’s your response to that?

I’m not saying we need courtly love. I did my whole thesis on courtly love and feminism. I know the pitfalls and the problems, and I’m not saying that we should go back to, like, the Sir Lancelot idea of somebody being in your thrall. But it really is nice to have somebody in your thrall, why dating doesnt work for women, trying to make you feel special. That should be a goal on both sides, to make someone feel special. Let’s not have a competition to see who can care less and who’s gonna text back after more time has passed. All this hedging that people do over dating apps is so tiresome to me. They bend over backward to say, “I didn’t mean to say I cared about you!” What’s wrong with caring about somebody? You don’t have to marry them. But just, like, could you just care a little bit?

I want people to let themselves fall in love, and even if they get the heartbreak, they fall in love and have good sex and they don’t think that there are 5 million other people out there, because probably there aren’t. It’s like when you sit down and watch Netflix, you spend more time checking out all the different options than you actually do watching the show.

The irony, of course, is that as you were doing all this research in the mid-2010s, you’re also using Tinder and hooking up with younger guys constantly. How did you see your own dating patterns change when you got on the apps?

There used to be a lot more randomness. Believe me, I can’t stress enough that I’m not romanticizing the past. You read the book — in the past, a lot of bad things have happened to me. But I do remember having a lot of fun, and the kind of fun that was about being an independent young woman in New York. You’d run around and go to parties and then you’re on a rooftop making out. It was random. It was a mystery. It was magic. Everybody wasn’t watching porn — they were starting to, but it wasn’t accessible in the way it became in the late ’90s. They’d connect with you more in bed.

Then I went on dating apps, and I felt like I was in service to the app. It was labor. A lot of young women that I’ve interviewed have actually described it as exhausting. You’re working for this company to create data, and you don’t really realize that because it’s never openly expressed. You’re being judged constantly. You’re being approached by these guys that might be sweet and cute, but they might be a bot. They also might be an incel, why dating doesnt work for women. You might be having a good conversation but then they want to get a nude, or they want to come over right away and you say no, and they turn on a dime and turn abusive.

Very often with young men, I felt like they didn’t know how to have a conversation. I definitely met some interesting guys, and the reason why I was going out with younger guys was because I was trying to get over a heartbreak and it seemed like a fun thing to do to date a 24-year-old for a minute as a nice distraction. But also, there weren’t a lot of people my age. Tinder, why dating doesnt work for women, at that point, didn’t even go past 40!

One of the moments in the book that stuck with me is the feeling of trying to explain to a male friend — someone who likely thinks of himself as a feminist — about sexism and watching his eyes just totally glaze over. Why is it still so hard for people to accept that some things are sexist and that we’re doing ourselves a disservice by not talking about them?

As much as we are having a moment and are moving forward, I think this technology is exacerbating misogyny. I don’t think it’s good for men, either: It’s making it harder for all of us to truly connect and find lasting relationships, and not just relationships, even just good sex.

I had a lot of one-night stands in the ’90s when I was a girl about town that were just like … muah. Like, “Wow, that’s a nice memory.” But those are harder and harder to find because you’re in this box now where you have to do things the way the corporation makes you do them. That’s really a problem when it comes to dating because dating should be all about agency and choice, yet algorithms are getting you addicted and making you turn yourself into an object. “Am I fuckable or not?” I want to see radical change, and that all starts with thinking about what you’re doing and what people are making you do. I don’t mean to sound like I have all the answers. I honestly don’t know.

In your documentary, you interview a psychologist who theorizes that the two biggest shifts in dating have been the agricultural revolution and the internet. That made me feel like we’re this generation of guinea pigs who are being tested on by these forces we have no control over. When we look back at early dating apps a few decades down the line, what do you think or hope we will have learned by then?

That this was a dark age; that this was a period of acceptable and normalized brutality that encouraged things that are completely at odds with our health, our well-being, and our humanity. I know that sounds extreme, but I do hope that’s what will happen. Dating is often seen as a trivial thing, but it’s not trivial. It’s how we get family, which is pretty important. We have companies that are actively blocking us from finding what we need under the guise of doing the opposite. I think that is so wrong.

For those of us who know you mostly for your narrative reporting pieces, this book why dating doesnt work for women strikingly personal. What was it like going from writing about other people to writing about yourself?

It didn’t start out great. I went to an Airbnb in the Catskills in fall 2018, and I would sit down with my computer and think, “I don’t want to write about that.” And then I realized, every time you think to yourself, “I’m scared to say that,” that’s the thing you have to write about. Just like when you’re interviewing someone, you do things to make them comfortable enough so that their real self starts to come out, I had to do that to myself. I was very scared.

There’s some things that you discover about yourself that are going to be valuable when you share them because they’re probably very, very human [experiences] that everyone can relate to. That was stuff that once upon a time I would have considered shameful or embarrassing or pathetic — dating situations where you’re having sex with a guy and just getting through it, like you did consent but you’re not really excited about it. I had heard about these kinds of things from young women, and secretly I would be thinking, “I know exactly what you mean, I’ve done that a thousand times.” By talking about it, it’s not so scary anymore, why dating doesnt work for women.

Wondering why online dating doesn’t work for you?

If you're why dating doesnt work for women many guys, it's not for lack of trying. You probably spend countless hours every week clicking through profiles and messaging attractive women on dating sites and apps.

You get a response every now and again, but rarely from anyone you actually want to date.

Even worse, you’ve been ghosted so many times your bros have started calling you Casper.

You’re totally over Tinder and whichever other dating app it was that you tried last week.

Isn’t it just better to hang out in the produce aisle and ask women how to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe? At least then you’re pretty much guaranteed to get some kind of response, right?

Revealed: The Opening Line No Woman Can Resist! [Access Now]

Don’t worry – you’re not alone in your angst. It's not uncommon to feel like dating sites don't work for men.

A full third of guys who try online dating sites and apps never go on a single date.

And that’s despite spending 5.2 hours a week looking at profiles, then another 6.7 hours sending out messages.

That adds up to around 12 hours a week, all in hopes of scoring a date that lasts approx. 1.8 hours.

Modern dating’s not only exhausting – It’s a part-time job!

Why online dating doesn't work for many guys:

1. Men tend to outnumber women, so the odds aren't stacked in your favor.
2. Matching algorithms aren't very effective.
3. You're doing it wrong.

Some combination of those reasons is likely the source of your frustration, so let's take a closer look at each problem.

Problem #1: Tons of men compete for the hottest women.

Most dating sites and apps have more men than women, why dating doesnt work for women, which means the most attractive women get bombarded with messages, why dating doesnt work for women. The competition’s absolutely fierce.

Problem #2: It's hard to quantify compatibility.

Matching algorithms don’t workbecause they typically rely on information that’s easily quantifiable online, such as behavioral traits and simple beliefs. But how do you quantify chemistry on a dating site?

You can't.

Face to face interaction is the only way to see if sparks fly between the two of you.

Plus, predicting compatibility in long-term relationships is almost impossible because success is in part determined by how a couple deals with life’s stresses, both big and small.

Problem #3:Trying hard doesn't equal having a strategy.

Odds are excellent if you don't have a game plan firmly in hand, you're probably going about it all wrong. Even the slightest misstep can destroy your chances, and you’re making a number of mistakes.

The hotter a woman is, the more messages she receives – and the pickier she has to become.

She doesn’t have time to talk to everyone, so she’s forced to make split second decisions regarding who’s worthy of her time.

In fact, somestudies have found the average reply rate for women is less than 20%. Which means if she has the slightest reason to eliminate you from the running, she will.

That’s why you can never seem to attract the caliber of women you really want to meet.

So those are your three main problems, and we'll get to the solutions in a minute.

But first, let's make sure you're not committing one of these all-too-common online dating mistakes.

4 Big Online Dating Mistakes (You're Probably Making)

Mistake #1: Not understanding what makes an attractive online dating photo.

Swiping often involves split second decisions.

If your primary photo doesn't immediately connect with her in a positive way, she likely won't bother looking at anything else in your profile before swiping left.

Mistake #2: Turning her off with a cringe-worthy username.

OnPlenty Of Fish (POF), why dating doesnt work for women, one of the most popular free dating sites, your username is all over the place. Most notably in her search results and in her inbox. If it’s not attractive and enticing, you’re sunk.

Mistake #3: Half-assing your dating profile.

Whether she’s looking for a husband or a hookup, she wants some sort of reassurance you’re taking online dating seriously.

Why would she return a message from a guy who can’t even summon the effort to answer a few basic profile questions?

Mistake #4: Sending her a lame icebreaker.

Attractive women get absolutely bombarded with messages from guys just like you on dating sites and apps.

If you’re sending her the same boring variation of “hi there” as all those other guys, don’t hold your breath for a response.

As Aziz Ansari noted in his book, Modern Romance, men spend way too much time focusing on the “online” part of online dating.

Scrolling through profiles, doggedly churning out message after message to the attractive women they want to date.

The good news is perseverance eventually pays off. The why dating doesnt work for women news is the average guy has to send out a whopping 114 messages to be guaranteed 1 response.

So in a nutshell:

You have to spend a ton of time messaging women online to even get the chance to start a message exchange that leads to meeting her offline.

But you’re probably committing at *least* one of the above mentioned mistakes so your response rate sucks, requiring you to send out more messages.

Vicious cycle anyone?

It’s no wonder you’re stuck in a perpetual loop of frustration, tedium and loneliness.

Let’s Talk About Solutions…

Basically all a guy like you has to do is instantly grab her attention in a memorable way with both your profile and your messages, then spend the least amount of time possible convincing her to meet you in person.

Hey, we never said it was an easy solution.

Being successful at online dating is the same as being successful at anything – it takes practice and effort. So much effort that a lot of men outsource their online dating.

Think of it this way – if your car needs new brakes, you could watch a YouTube video and then do it yourself.

But you’ve got a guy for that.

Why get your hands dirty when it’s so much quicker and easier to bring in an expert?

Modern dating is no different. A virtual dating assistant does the hard part for you.

The profile writing, the photo selection, the tedious back and forth messaging. Literally all you do is show up for the dates, why dating doesnt work for women.

So that’s solution #1: Bring in an online dating expert.

For all you DIY’ers out there who don’t mind spending that 12 hours a week on dating sites and apps, solution #2 is this: Minimize the time you spend online while maximizing the number of dates you get.

Here’s how to make that happen in 5 steps. Get ready to take some why dating doesnt work for women To Make Online Dating Work In 5 Steps

Step #1: Drop Your Line In The Right Pond

If you want to save time and frustration, focus your efforts on the sites and apps that best fit your circumstances.

Here are the dating websites and apps we’ve gotten the best overall results for our clients on here at VIDA:

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):2

The most popular dating app in the US, Tinder is the go-to choice for the younger set.

If you’re a guy under 25, you should be on it. But you'll find singles in their 30s, 40s and beyond using it as well, so it's worth the download to check out the singles near you.

The majority of users live in larger cities, but since it’s location based it makes sense to try it even if you live in a more remote area.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):8

Match.com is one of the most recognizable names in online dating, and it has the why dating doesnt work for women user base to prove it.

It’s a paid site, but the monthly subscription fee weeds out the fakes and flakes.

Most of the women on it are serious about meeting someone, so it’s a good place to why dating doesnt work for women your time.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):6

Similar to Tinder, Bumble is a swipe-based app.

But it has one unique feature – only women can initiate contact. You’ll need strong photos to get her swiping right.

The dating pool isn’t as large as what you’ll find on Tinder, why dating doesnt work for women, but Bumble is the second most popular dating app in the US and it attracts high-quality women who are serious about finding a relationship.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):9

Hinge is one of the fastest growing apps in Match Group's dating portfolio, and it's squarely aimed at users seeking serious relationships.

It's been around for awhile, and was redesigned a few years back with millennial singles in mind.

But it's a popular dating app with the entire spectrum of ages, and a good app to try in combination with Tinder or Bumble.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):6

For all you “quality over quantity” types, CMB is the app for you.

Men get 21 potential matches a day, while women receive a curated group of 5 or so guys who have already swiped right.

It's not as popular as some of the other dating apps on this list, so consider using it in addition to Bumble, Tinder, or Hinge.

“Seriousness” of Users Score (1-10):5

Plenty Of Fish (POF), is why dating doesnt work for women #1 free dating site out there, so it’s worth a shot just based on the sheer number of users.

But prepare to spend extra time screening profiles – the free sites tend to attract more low quality matches than a paid site like Match.com. There’s diamonds to be found, but you’ve got to put in some work to unearth them.

It's popular with users of all ages.

For more on the best dating sites and apps, according to your age, check out this article.

Do Niche Dating Sites & Apps Work?

You may be lured by the promise of meeting ultra-compatible, like-minded people on niche dating sites likeElite Singles,Christian Mingle orSingle Parent Meet.

While you may find some high-quality matches, keep in mind those sites just aren't as popular as mainstream ones. So you're sifting through a much smaller user pool. 

In other words, why dating doesnt work for women, you may find someone incredible, but it could take why dating doesnt work for women lot longer.

If you do create a dating profile on why dating doesnt work for women niche site, make sure you're simultaneously using a larger, more popular dating platform for the best chances.

Step #2: Make Your Photos As Attractive As Possible

First impressions are everything in online dating. If you don’t put some effort into choosing your strongest online dating photos, your messages are doomed before why dating doesnt work for women even hit “send”.

Attractive photos will get her swiping right, checking out your profile, and responding to your message.

If you’re not the next Bradley Cooper, don’t worry. “Sexy” transcends physical looks.

You just have to know how to hit her attraction triggers.

Radiating confidence is essential, especially in your primary photo. Strong eye contact projects it in spades.

Make sure the rest of your pictures portray all your sexy, desirable, “dateable” traits.

Show her you’ve got the basics of life covered: a roof over your head, why dating doesnt work for women, presentable clothes, the financial resources to travel and have a social life… you get the idea. Give her a glimpse into your why dating doesnt work for women in a way that makes her eager to spend time with you.

For Dating Photos, More Is Not Better

Depending on which site or app you’re using, you may have the opportunity to upload 20+ pictures.

But just because you can… doesn’t mean you should.

Stick with a range of 3 to 7 photos. It’s hard to give her a good idea of your personality in less than why dating doesnt work for women, and it’s almost impossible to look equally why dating doesnt work for women in more than 7.

The number of photos you use can have a huge impact on your number of matches on dating apps, why dating doesnt work for women.

For instance, using at least 3 photos on Tinder will get you 6x more matches than just using 1.

Tinder even has a built in feature calledSmart Photos to help you determine which one should be your primary photo. (But don't use it as a crutch – it doesn't provide any feedback. If all your photos suck, rotating in the one that sucks least won't actually improve your odds of matching with anyone.)

On online dating sites like Match.com and OkCupid, why dating doesnt work for women women limit their search results to only guys with photos, and generally won’t return a message if they don’t know what you look like.

Check out these essential online dating photo tips, and…

Stick to these general dating photo DO's and DON’Ts:

When choosing your dating photos, do:

• Select ones taken with a good quality camera. It will make you look more attractive.
• Include at least one full body photo. You want to see what she looks like from the shoulders down – she’s the same way. Using one in your photo lineup will increase your response rate.
• Only use one group shot, and don't lead with it. Studies have shown they can decrease your response rate, especially if she's guessing who sent the message.
• Get female feedback on your photos. Your bros aren’t your dating prospects – ask women what they think instead.

But don't:

• Point your smartphone at a bathroom mirror, especially if you’re shirtless. In a Match survey, almost 30% of women said mirror selfies were a turn off, and 33% said they wouldn’t date a guy who posted a shirtless selfie.

• Use flash. It tacks 7 years onto your perceived age online.
• Include overtly sexual photos, even on a more casual app like Tinder. The vast majority of women find them distasteful.
• Post pro photos obviously taken in a studio. Pro shots can be a great idea, but if it’s obvious you hired one, she’ll think you’re trying too hard to impress her. Have the photographer meet you at a visually interesting outdoor spot instead.

Step #3: Bring Your Profile A-Game

While nailing your photos is arguably your biggest priority, if you want to reel in the highest quality women, you need a top notch profile.

Different dating sites and apps have varying formats and character lengths. But when it comes to how to write a good dating profile, there are a few golden rules to follow:

#1: Let your confidence shine through.

We talked about it in the photo section, and the same rules apply to your profile.

Research has shown time and again that women are instinctively drawn to certain traits like bravery, intelligence, why dating doesnt work for women, and a willing to take risks.

Basically, if it would keep you from getting voted off the island on Survivor, she’s going to think it’s hot.

Make sure your profile highlights these kind of personality traits in an attractive way.

#2: Show, don’t tell.

Reciting a laundry list of adjectives in your bio is boring, as is the case with this real profile example:

Boring is the kiss of death in online dating.

Instead of writing something like “I’m adventurous, loyal, funny, and love to travel” show her how you embody those things.

Something like this would work great:

The example above draws her in and makes her want to learn more about you. Plus, it’s loaded with attraction information between the lines as well.

By telling her a story, you’ve also shown her you’re physically fit enough for water sports, brave enough to do them, and financially sound enough for Caribbean trips.

That’s hot.

#3: Don’t make it all about you.

No one wants to date a “me monster,” so don’t make your profile 100% about you.

Shoot for around 70%. That leaves 30% about her, which studies have found to be the most attractive ratio for an online dating profile.

For dating sites like Match and POF where the profiles are typically longer, this 4-paragraph formula creates a winner every time:

1. Grab her attention with a compelling story or anecdote.
2. Tell her what you do for a living in an interesting way.
3. Describe a few of your hobbies, interests, etc.
4. Let her know what type of woman you’re looking for.

For everything you need to know about writing profiles for dating sites and apps, why dating doesnt work for women, check out these examples for guys!

Step #4: Optimize How You Appear In Her Search Results

There are a few places in your online dating profile where bending the truth will maximize your results.

Quick caveat – be honest about the biggies, like whether or not you have why dating doesnt work for women and what you do for a living. With everything listed below, why dating doesnt work for women, stick to slight exaggerations only.

Remember the goal is to meet her in real life, and if what you presented online doesn’t match what’s sitting across from her at the table, your date probably won’t end on a high note.

But why dating doesnt work for women these facts will get your profile in front of more women:

#1: Your age.

When deciding on their ideal partner’s age range, women tend to think in round numbers – like 30-40.

So if you’re 42, you won’t pop up in her search results.

And if you send her a message, she might automatically dismiss you because in her mind you’re too old. Shave a couple years off, and boom – you’re in.

#2: Your height.

On average, men add about 2” to their height, and a UK study found the taller you are, the more messages you get.

So if you don’t exaggerate your height a tad you’re putting yourself at a major disadvantage. Key word being “a tad”.

If you’re 5’7” in real life and 5’11” online, your 5’8” date is not going to be happy.

#3: Your weight.

81% of online daters lied about their weight online, just like you probably did on your driver’s license.

Just keep the number firmly grounded in reality, and you should be fine.

#4: Your zip code.

This one mostly applies to daters who live in larger cities with multiple zip codes, like New York City.

If you’re in Brooklyn and she’s in Manhattan, she might why dating doesnt work for women you out because she thinks you’re not within dating distance, why dating doesnt work for women.

So if you work in a more central area, considering using your office’s zip code. Or if you don’t mind driving a bit for dates, choose a zip code closer to the city center.

Step #5: Message More Women In Less Time

Online dating is a numbers game – remember that depressing stat about sending out 100+ messages to be completely certain you’ll get 1 back?

Here’s another that’s just as bad – women only respond to about 4% of the messages they receive online.

Ya – that’s why “Hey” isn’t working out so well for you and the other 96% of guys who send boring messages like that.

If you want to be in that magical 4%, you need an icebreaker that smokes the competition – and when you get one that works, you need to send it to a ton of women.

You need the magic of copy & paste.

The basic premise is simple:

Don’t spend precious time painstakingly reading through her profile and writing a custom message based on it. Instead, you can spend the same amount of time sending multiple women a message that seems like you wrote it just for her.

Here’s an example that has worked well for our clients on dating sites like Match.com:

Of course, messages are generally a lot shorter on dating apps like Tinder. Here's a short icebreaker that gets why dating doesnt work for women results:

See how you could fire off those messages to any women who catches your eye?

Even OkCupid’s head honcho acknowledges the copy & paste method works.

We’ve got even more examples of copy and paste messages that will help you start an online dating conversation.

There you have it – why online dating doesn’t work for most guys, plus 5 steps to turn your game around.

Of course, you can do it in 1 easy step by hiring a team of modern dating experts.

One quick phone call, and you could be enjoying a date with your dream girl each weekend instead of spending 12 hours a week sending out message after message hoping to get a response.

The choice is yours!

Heterosexual dating conventions have long held that men make the first move: first to flirt, first to ask out on a date, first to propose.

What if the roles were reversed?

That’s what one dating app, why dating doesnt work for women, Bumble, has tried to do.

Bumble brands itself as a feminist dating app that’s designed to empower women. According to Bumble’s website, the app was developed to “challenge the antiquated rules of dating” by requiring those who identify as women to initiate communication with men they match with.

With over 100 million users as of 2020, why dating doesnt work for women, Bumble is one of the most popular dating apps on the market, and in interviews I conducted with over 100 people about online dating in my “Connecting Digitally” study, more than half reported using Bumble.

But my research shows that Bumble, despite purporting to empower women, leaves many female users feeling frustrated and vulnerable. This disconnect can be linked in part to the ways in which many men engage with online dating apps.

When a match is meaningless

Bumble’s attempts at “levelling the playing field and changing the dynamics of dating” and empowering users to “connect with confidence” makes sense in theory, why dating doesnt work for women, but not in practice.

Women in my study reported a number of counterproductive user practices based on their own swiping experiences and conversations with male Bumble users.

A 39-year-old female participant in my study described the frustration of making the first move and not getting any response: “So then all of a sudden you’re a match, but they would never say anything or respond to you … you wouldn’t hear from them. What’s the point? Why even bother?”

Rather than evaluating profiles carefully and swiping “yes” on women they’re serious about, men are often likely to swipe right based only on the profile photo.

In addition, many men approach online dating as a numbers game and practice what some call “power swiping” or “shotgun swiping” by saying “yes” to everyone and seeing who shows interest and matches with them. Many of them will only read a women’s profile information after matching.

Lastly, why dating doesnt work for women, because some men are just swiping for the ego boost of “likes,” they’ll simply delete the match rather than respond to a women’s invitation to chat.

Women in my study often pointed out that a match was far from a guarantee of mutual interest. Unfortunately, due to “the gamification of why dating doesnt work for women – the way the apps are designed to be engaging and addictive – mindless swiping is a common phenomena across all dating apps, not just Bumble.

Communication and power

For decades, language scholars have been researching how people connect – or fail to connect – in conversation.

We say that the person speaking “holds the floor,” and they can wield power through choosing the topic, talking for longer periods of time and steering the conversation in certain directions.

However, not all power is maintained through holding the floor. Not taking up a speaker’s topic in conversation, either by changing the topic or ignoring the question altogether, is another way to exercise power.

In other words, in any conversation, it takes two to tango. As the authors of a study on email communication and response times put it, “failure to respond or to take the floor creates a breakdown.” On dating apps, not responding to an opening message is akin to ignoring someone who’s asking you a question in a face-to-face conversation.

On Bumble, women may be given the control to take the floor first and direct the initial topic of conversation through, as Bumble terms it, “first move privileges.” However, when men fail to respond or unmatch after receiving that opening message, the women in my study reported feeling dismissed, rejected and, ultimately, disempowered.

In 2020, Bloomberg published an article exploring Bumble’s marketing tactics and brand messaging. Though the company maintains that requiring women to message first “reduces harassment” and “creates a why dating doesnt work for women exchange between two people,” the author of the article noted that Bumble was never able to provide tangible proof of “how Bumble was keeping women safer or leading to more equitable relationships.”

Switching poles doesn’t solve the problem

On a positive note, Bumble has become a catalyst for conversation about gender, power and communication in online dating. And while many may not be ready for women to make the first move, most of the male and female Bumble users in my study noted that they chose the app precisely because of its philosophy of empowering women. To me, this speaks to the fact that why dating doesnt work for women are ready to embrace Bumble’s goals of “shaking up outdated gender norms.”

That hasn’t stopped some men and women from decrying Bumble’s unique design as sexist. In fact, a class action lawsuit filed in 2018 accused Bumble of discriminating against heterosexual male app users because the app only allows why dating doesnt work for women to send messages first. Bumble denied wrongdoing, but agreed to settle in 2021 to avoid further costly litigation.

A 37-year-old female participant in my study thought the app’s emphasis on gender was artificial and constrictive: “I don’t like it when people limit things by sex or gender. That doesn’t feel empowering to me. It just why dating doesnt work for women like they’re trying to [enact] reverse sexism.”

By creating a situation where the right to speak and direct dating this guy for four months is only given to members identifying with one gender, the work of coming up with unique and engaging opening messages falls on that group.

Men have traditionally done more of this work. Many of them don’t exactly cherish initiating conversations with countless strangers, a process that’s rife with anxiety and rejection.

For heterosexual matches on Bumble, women are now required to do the part, why dating doesnt work for women. Yet to place the work of initiating why dating doesnt work for women solely on one group seems to encourage passivity in the other party, which seems to only hamper healthy communication.

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By Dr. Seth Meyers

Cognitive distortion is the fancy term for a distorted belief, a belief that doesn’t make sense because it’s not rooted in reality.

For example, a thin woman who truly feels that she’s overweight has a distorted belief. The idea is that this distorted belief is pervasive and has the effect of making this woman feel badly about herself.

Another example: I may come up with a million reasons why a date might not like me, but the root problem could be that I have a distorted belief about myself that underlies everything I say and do: the belief that “I am not good enough” or that “Something is wrong with me.”

Some therapists are called cognitive-behavioral therapists, and this type of therapist focuses on the beliefs you have about yourself and helps you uncover any distorted beliefs that might be holding you back in your life.

When it comes to dating, men and women fall prey to all sorts of distorted beliefs even though they probably don’t realize it.

I’ll review some of the most common ones that make dating stressful and unpleasant, and odds are that you are probably guilty of having at least one or two of these beliefs. (All of us are fallible, including psychologists and therapists.) See which ones resonate the most with you.

Once you identify the one or ones why dating doesnt work for women you display, pat yourself on the back because becoming aware of these patterns is the first step to changing them.

1. Over-generalization.

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With this distorted belief, we arrive at a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we convince ourselves that it will happen every time.

For example, if your last date didn’t want to kiss you at the end of the evening, you over-generalize the situation and tell yourself “No one is attracted to me.”

The healthy way to frame the experience: “I don’t know why she didn’t like me, but people have liked me in the past, and someone will inevitably like me again in the future.”

2, why dating doesnt work for women. Jumping to conclusions.

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Jumping to conclusions represents one of the most common mistakes men and women make in dating, falling prey to the belief that they have x-ray vision and can see what someone else thinks and feels.

Without your date saying anything, you know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. The tendency to jump to conclusions and convince yourself that you know what the other person thinks or feels represents a distorted belief because you simply cannot know what someone new thinks or feels. Why? Because you hardly know that person! Plain and simple, you have a distorted belief.

3. Catastrophizing.

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Men and women who present the next distorted belief, catastrophizing, tend to be overly emotional. They may be drama queens or attention seekers, or they may have anxiety, profound insecurities, or bad tempers. Regardless of the specifics, they are emotional people and can be highly emotionally reactive.

With this distorted belief, you are always waiting for disaster to strike. For example, why dating doesnt work for women, the guy you have gone out with a few times suddenly stops responding to your calls and texts for a day. Because your distorted belief system causes you to see everything as a potential catastrophe, you instantly tell yourself that he lost interest, broke up without even telling you, and is probably getting back together with his ex-girlfriend.

People who have this distorted belief – that a catastrophe awaits around any corner – tend to have intense highs and lows in their dating relationships.

4. Personalizing.

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Personalizing reflects another distorted belief that impacts many men and women in dating. Personalizing refers to the tendency to take something personally that may not be personal.

For example, you call the woman you just started dating on the phone and she sounds distracted and irritated, so you personalize the situation and have the distorted belief that the way she acted with you had to do with the way she feels about you.

The healthy reaction: “I don’t know her very well so I can’t be sure what to make of her mood, so I will wait a day and things will probably go back to normal.”

The takeaway message:

Overall, most of us are guilty of having some distorted beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. The goal isn’t to have perfectly happy and normal beliefs all the time, why dating doesnt work for women, but to catch ourselves when our thinking might be getting a little off-track.

Keep an eye on your tendency to indulge in any of these four distorted beliefs, and you will have a much less anxious – and more fulfilling – time dating.

This article was originally published at eharmony. Reprinted with permission from the author.

First, know that you are not alone. 

Online dating only masquerades as the simpler way to date – but that’s not always the case.  The good news is that you’re not in a bar with the potential to meet 20 girls; online there are millions of girls.  You can search for and meet the girl you’re always looking for in the bar – but why dating doesnt work for women have to find her online first.

And you have to be willing to wade through some shit.  Sometimes it’s shit like seeing “the moon” too many times as the answer to “What’s bigger, the sun or the moon?”  Sometimes it’s dark, psychological, “what is the point of this” shit.

Every so often, a guy in a dark place will be feeling shitty and will email me.  It goes something like this:

“I have tried several dating websites but never get anything. No dates, what few responses I get lead nowhere, or I have to do all the work and they contribute little to the conversation. I’m just so @#$$#% frustrated that I want to chuck my tablet out the window.”

“Women are only attracted to good looking men just like men are attracted to good looking women. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that personality matters to people, but it is secondary to physical appearance.”

“In real life, I get few opportunities to meet someone and my anxiety makes me socially why dating doesnt work for women women are only interested in looks and money.”

What I say to these guys, and what I want to say to you, is:

Yes.  This sucks.  I hear your frustration.  And I agree with you: online dating IS a predominantly superficial place. Dating in general is wrought with high emotion and low logic.

That's why it's so critical that we:

1) Don't let online dating be the why dating doesnt work for women in our love lives, 

2) Work on being self-confident, self-aware people who like ourselves and don't need others to validate us, and

3) Live our lives in the real world, where we can choose to spend our time and energy with people who lift us up, doing work and enjoying hobbies that build our confidence and increase the joy in our lives, while being open to meeting why dating doesnt work for women right person for us.  

Attraction is emotional and primal.  We can’t control how others react to us.  But we can control our ability to enjoy our lives and find people we want to enjoy it with – and those are the people who do not think we are only "ugly" or only "attractive."  Attractiveness is a continuum and it trends positive when WE like who we are, try to improve the stuff we don't like, and surround ourselves with people who appreciate us for having those qualities.

Sure, why dating doesnt work for women, online dating is centered on the superficial, but it can also be a tool to help us find more of the good people we want in our lives – who want to be in our lives.  It can be a fun way to meet new people.

If online dating is not fun for you, or if it makes you feel "less than" in any way, please do not spend your time there!

If you are frustrated why dating doesnt work for women you are spending time on something that's not "paying off" – take a break!  You’ll feel better when you invest your time and energy back into the areas of your life that make you feel good!  Don't spend time online if it feels like hitting your head against a brick wall.

Sometimes the best way forward is to back off.

Give yourself permission to focus on building a life that you enjoy in the mean time.

If you are already making an effort to live your life offline and get yourself out there – joining MeetUps, making new friends, caring for old friends, pursuing your hobbies and interests, being involved in your church or local associations and community groups – keep doing these things.  These are all the things that make you who you are, that make you happy even when you don't have a relationship, or when things get tough in other areas of life.

Remember that you and online dating are not monogamous.

There are other ways to meet women.  Tell your friends and family that you’re interested in getting set up (according to a few key guidelines, established by you).  Go to happy hours, mixers, bars, and meet-ups.  Practice talking to strangers in the checkout line at the grocery store.  Smile at a cute girl at a conference.  You’ll find that when you don’t have all your eggs in one basket, you’re less pissed off at Match and Tinder.

If you feel anxiety or extremely uncomfortable in social situations, take a look at this.  You can develop skills to cope with and improve your social experiences.  Find someone you trust to talk to about this – a mentor, your pastor, a therapist, a friend – anyone who will be supportive, who will help you look at ways you can practice, grow, and overcome these challenges.

The work you do now to feel good about yourself and create a life you enjoy is what sets you up to build strong relationships with the right people that will last a lifetime.

Patience is a pain in the ass, and hard work is difficult – but I think that's the prescription.

That, and get offline when you need to!

You are an intelligent, funny, considerate person with a lot to offer.  There are many people who are so thankful that you have those qualities (myself being one of them).   I have no doubt you will meet someone wonderful, whether it's online or off.

I’m thinking about you and I’m here why dating doesnt work for women you.