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This Valentine’s Day, many single people will be looking for their date online. In fact, this is now one of the most popular ways heterosexual couples meet. Online dating provides users with access to thousands, sometimes millions, of potential partners they are otherwise unlikely to encounter.

It is fascinating to see how online dating — with its expanded dating pools — transforms our dating prospects. Can we broaden our social network to a variety of backgrounds and cultures by accessing thousands of profiles? Or do we limit our choice of partners through targeted searches and strict preference filters?

When photos are readily available for users to evaluate before they decide to chat online or meet offline, who can say that love is blind?

Before I started my research project about online dating in Canada, I did a micro social experiment with my partner. We created two profiles on a mainstream dating app for heterosexuals: one was a profile for a man that used two of his photos — an Asian man — and the other profile was for an Asian woman and used two of my photos.

Each profile included a side-face photo and an outdoor portrait wearing sunglasses. One reason we used side-face photos and self-portraits with sunglasses was to avoid the issue of appearance. In online dating, discrimination based on looks deserves a separate article!

On both profiles, we used the same unisex name, “Blake,” who had the same interests and activities — for example, we included “sushi and beer” as favourites.

Every day, each of us indiscriminately liked 50 profiles in our respective dating pool.

Guess what happened?

Asian men rejected

The female Blake got numerous “likes,” “winks” and messages every day, whereas the male Blake got nothing.

Read more: Does being smart and successful lower your chances of getting married?

This reality took an emotional toll on my partner. Even though this was just an experiment and he was not actually looking for a date, it still got him down. He asked to stop this experiment after only a few days.

Such experiences are not unique to my partner. Later in my research project, I interviewed many Asian men who shared similar stories. One 26-year-old Chinese Canadian man told me in the interview:

“… it makes me angry cause it sort of feels like you’re getting rejected when sometimes like you’re messaging people and then, they unmatch you … or sometimes they don’t respond, or you just keep getting no responses… it feels like a small rejection. So yeah, it feels bad ….”

My partner’s experience in our experiment and my research participants’ lived experiences echoed findings and themes in other studies. A large body of sociological research has found that Asian men live “at the bottom of the dating totem pole.” For example, among young adults, Asian men in North America are much more likely than men from other racial groups (for example, white men, Black men and Latino men) to be single.

Stereotypes: Asian women versus Asian men

Gender differences in romantic relationships are especially pronounced among Asian young adults: Asian men are twice as likely as Asian women to be unpartnered (35 per cent versus 18 per cent).

This gender gap in romantic involvement among Asians is, in part, because Asian men are much less likely than Asian women to be in a romantic or marital relationship with a different-race partner, even though Asian men and women appear to express a similar desire to marry outside of their race.

The gender differences in patterns of romantic involvement and interracial relationship among Asians result from the way Asian women and Asian men are seen differently in our society. Asian women are stereotyped as exotic and gender-traditional. They are therefore “desirable” as potential mates. But stereotypes of Asian men as unmasculine, geeky and “undesirable” abound.

While many people recognize the racism in elite-college admissions, in workplaces or in the criminal justice system, they tend to attribute racial exclusion in the dating market to “personal preferences,” “attraction” or “chemistry.”

However, as sociologist Grace Kao, from Yale University, and her colleagues have pointed out, “gendered racial hierarchies of desirability are as socially constructed as other racial hierarchies.”

Seemingly personal preferences and choices in modern romance are profoundly shaped by larger social forces, such as unflattering stereotypical media depictions of Asians, a history of unequal status relations between western and Asian countries, and the construction of masculinity and femininity in society. Regular exclusion of a particular racial group from having romantic relationships is known as sexual racism.

Finding love online

Online dating may have radically changed how we meet our partners, but it often reproduces old wine in new bottles. Like the offline dating world, gendered racial hierarchies of desirability are also evident in cyberspace and operate to marginalize Asian men in online dating markets.

Research from the United States shows that when stating racial preferences, more than 90 per cent of non-Asian women excluded Asian men. Furthermore, among men, whites receive the most messages, but Asians receive the fewest unsolicited messages from women.

Exactly because dating apps allow users to access and filter through a large dating pool, easy-to-spot characteristics like race may become even more salient in our search for love. Some people never make the cut just because they are already filtered out due to gendered and racialized stereotypes.

Read more: Tinder profiles around the world: Same, same but different

A 54-year-old Filipino-Canadian man, who started using online dating almost 20 years ago, shared his experience with me:

“I don’t like online anymore. It doesn’t do you justice …. Most women who I ask to date would be Caucasian and I would get a lot of ‘no responses.’ And if they did, I always asked why. And if they were open to tell me, they say they were not attracted to Asian men. So in a sense, metaphorically, I didn’t get a chance to bat. Because they look at my ethnicity and they say no. In life, I’ll meet Caucasian women. Even if they look at me and I’m not white but because of the way I speak and act, I’m more North American, they think differently later. Not that they would initially say no, but after they knew me, they would reconsider.”

This participant felt he was often excluded before he got a chance to share who he really was.

When asked to compare meeting partners online and offline, a 25-year-old white woman said she prefers meeting people in person because for her, that is where the judgemental walls come down:

“I find more quality in person. I’m in a better mindset. I’m definitely less judgemental when I meet someone offline — because online, the first thing you do is judge. And they’re judging you too — and you know you’re both figuring out whether you want to date. So there are a lot of walls you put up.”

For many online daters, the boundless promise of technology does not break social boundaries. If racial discrimination that prevails in the intimate sphere is left unchallenged, many Asian men will repeatedly encounter sexual racism.

The authors of a new book are arguing for race-blind dating apps — and the removal of filters for race and ethnicity.

Finding love, they say, isn’t so black-and-white. 

In a new book, “The Dating Divide: Race and Desire in the Era of Online Romance,” sociologists Jennifer Lundquist, Celeste Vaughan Curington and Ken Hou-Lin show how online dating sites exacerbate racial divisions.

They found that race-related “preference” filters on digital dating platforms help foster racist attitudes — especially toward black women. 

“Filtering out people based on race is a normal practice on dating apps,” Lundquist told The Post. 

“The idea of having racial preferences is unacceptable and illegal in any other arena,” she added. “But it’s literally built into the structure of these dating apps.”

A 2014 study about dating preferences along racial lines on OKCupid came to a similar conclusion: Black women had a hard time matching on dating apps, as did black and Asian men.

(The 2014 study also found that preferring to date within one’s race was fairly common. For instance, black women preferred to date black men at a rate surpassed only by Asian women’s preference for Asian men.)

For their book, Lundquist and her co-writers analyzed large-scale behavioral data from one of the leading dating sites in America. The authors declined to publicly reveal which digital dating platform they used for their research per a data-share agreement with the website. 

They also conducted over 75 in-depth interviews with daters of diverse racial backgrounds and sexual identities. 

The authors found that racial filtering on mating forums exposed black women to more exclusion and rejection than white, Latina and Asian female daters. Black women were the most likely to be excluded from searches, as well as the most likely recipients of offensive messages.

The research trio found that discrimination is laced into the algorithms of mainstream dating apps and websites.

“[It’s] this idea that it’s OK to say, ‘I prefer this race of people, and I don’t like this race of people for my romantic interest,’” Curington explained to The Post.

Hinge, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish and Match.com offer race and ethnicity filters, while Tinder and Bumble do not. 

While plenty of people have “a type” when it comes to dating, the researchers found that filtering for race also let “people feel free to express their biases and racial misogyny towards women of color in a way they typically wouldn’t in a face-to-face encounter,” Lundquist said.

So, how did users go from being ignored to harassed? One possible explanation: When the average dating-app user doesn’t see black women because of the filters they’ve set, you end up with a higher percentage of users seeking black women as a “fetish.”

For Nicole, a 39-year-old Afro Caribbean single mother from Brooklyn, receiving overly sexual overtures from non-black men on apps has become an unwelcome norm. 

“Right off the bat these guys are approaching me with, ‘Hey, sexy chocolate,’ or ‘I love your beautiful black body. Can you twerk?,’” the registered nurse told The Post.

Nicole and other black daters who’ve endured racist attitudes while online dating declined to share their full names with The Post for privacy reasons. 

“I’m on these apps hoping to find a meaningful relationship and these guys are treating me like a sex object before even extending a proper ‘Hello,’” the Brooklyn resident added. 

The authors found that black women on matchmaking platforms must frequently contend with racist stereotypes such as the sexually insatiable “Jezebel,” which has roots in slavery, and the “angry black woman” — a belief that black women are innately unruly and ill-tempered. 

“We talked to a number of educated black women who were thriving in their careers and looking for comparable partners,” Curington told The Post. “But there’s a disconnect between who they are in real life versus the Jezebel stereotype they’re being subjected to online.”

Mish, a black executive assistant to C-suite business administrators, told The Post that her digital quest for companionship reaped a paltry handful of bad love connections. 

“I’m very turned off by dating sites now,” the 53-year-old Bronx native insisted. “They make me feel uneasy. Like I’m not being seen as the beautiful queen I am.”

She recalls one relationship with a Hispanic man that quickly turned sour.

“When we first met, he made a point of telling me how much he loved black women,” Mish told The Post. 

He was sexually aggressive during their first in-person meet-up last year. After finally engaging in consensual sex, he ghosted her. 

She later discovered he had a sordid history of fetishizing black women for his personal pleasures, then dumping them once he’d had his fun. 

“He targets black women because we’re seen as sexual objects, nothing more,” she said, noting that they never spoke again. 

Black gay men were also subjected to hypersexualized stereotypes, the authors found.  

Clark, a 26-year-old urban contemporary choreographer, told The Post his brush with racism ultimately got him banned from a leading dating app. 

“At first this white guy was sweet,” the Manhattan-based dancer explained. “But after a few messages, he asked for nude pictures to see ‘if the rumors about black guys are true.’”

Clark responded to the request with a flurry of expletives. The man reported Clark to the app administrators for “cyber bullying.” Clark’s dating profile was immediately deactivated. 

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw my profile was gone. I had to create a whole new account,” Clark told The Post. “It was like I was being attacked twice, once by the white guy and once by the app.”

The authors suggest doing away with racial filters on apps in order to eliminate the perpetuation of racial stereotyping and discrimination. 

However, they note that their objective isn’t to bash people for having a dating “type,” nor is it to browbeat folks into dating outside of their race. 

“We’re not dumping on dating apps or people’s individual choices,” Curington told The Post. “We just want everyone to be aware of the long-standing societal issues being exacerbated on this platform.”

“I’m open to dating women of all backgrounds,” he tells me. “Except for black women.”

“I’ve just never been attracted to Asian men,” she says.

Uncomfortable yet? Unfortunately, the vast majority of singles I’ve worked with have clear racial preferences and biases when it comes to dating. Now that I’m four years into professional matchmaking, I’ve seen clear patterns emerge when it comes to race and attraction.

White men: congratulations! Women of every racial background seem to strongly prefer dating you. Asian and Latin women are most popular with the gents. Black women and Asian men are the two groups most notably at a dating disadvantage. They are the hardest singles for me to match, because they tend to be excluded from the match searches of the majority of clients. Men seemingly open to dating “anyone and everyone” eventually include a “no black women” addendum. Women who state they only want to find a nice, kind, man say that they have no real physical preferences … as long as the man in question isn’t Asian. Non-starter, that.

The online dating world is also stacked against black women and Asian men. According to Christian Rudder’sOKCupid blog, stats from 2014 show that 82 per cent of non-black men on OKCupid show some bias against black women. Similarly, Asian men’s dating profiles are consistently rated the lowest by single women using online dating sites. But why?

“Attractiveness is a very haphazard dish that can’t be boiled down to height or skin colour, but Asian men are told that regardless of what the idyllic mirepoix is or isn’t, we just don’t have the ingredients,” television host Eddie Huang recently wrote in the New York Times.

“The structural emasculation of Asian men in all forms of media became a self-fulfilling prophecy that produced an actual abhorrence to Asian men in the real world.”

Pop culture is a window into desire. Consider the male Asian characters in movies you’ve seen in the last several years. What were their roles? When was the last time you saw a North American film where a desirable Asian man played the romantic lead and didn’t know martial arts?

A similar story presents itself when we deconstruct black women in popular culture. In film and television, black women are often portrayed as two-dimensional “strong and sassy” stereotypes (see: Leslie Jones’ character in “Ghostbusters: Answer the Call” or Jennifer Hudson as Carrie Bradshaw’s personal assistant in “Sex and the City: The Movie.”) When cast as a romantic interest, they’re usually played by biracial or multiracial women with lighter skin tones, such as Halle Berry or Zendaya.

“Society tells us that black women are hypersexual but also more masculine than other women, while it suggests that Asian men are less masculine — to the point of being effeminate — and that they are physically less attractive,” says Shantel Buggs, a PhD Candidate in sociology at the University of Texas. “All of this centres on Eurocentric beauty standards, which privilege those who are white or are white adjacent in appearance — things like lighter skin, light coloured eyes, thinner noses, certain jawline shapes. So, when we see Asian men and black women having a harder time, part of it has to do with beauty standards and part of it has to do with the ways people are socialized to imagine how Asian men or black women behave inside and outside of relationships.”

This exclusion of Asian men is a particularly visible problem in the gay community. “No rice, no spice” is social networking apps Scruff and Grindr parlance for “no East Asian men, no South Asian men.” Straight people aren’t nearly as upfront about their prejudices on Tinder, but having spoken to several women of colour about their time dating online, they seem to get fewer messages and matches than other women and are frequently racially fetishized when they do connect.

“I’ve personally experienced plenty of this,” Buggs tells me. “While pretty much all women of colour are considered more sexual and exotic than white women, the ways in which this plays out varies. Asian women have historically been deemed more sexual but also are viewed as being more demure and feminine. Sexual narratives about Asian women suggest that they will not challenge a man’s masculinity the way that other women of colour might. So, they become idealized due to being considered very sexual but also very feminine. Alternatively, black women are viewed as hypersexual because of things like the legacy of chattel slavery, which also suggested that black women are more masculine and animalistic than other women. We’ve seen this over and over in the U.S. with how certain people talk about former First Lady Michelle Obama.”

In a recent feature article in the Walrus, lawyer Hadiya Roderique detailed her challenges dating as a woman of colour. When Hadiya photoshopped her dating profile photos so that she appeared to be a white woman, her profile’s popularity skyrocketed.

“When you combine demographics, the fact that users disproportionately message others of the same race, fetishism, sexualization of blackness, racism and anti-blackness, it adds up to — to put it mildly — a ‘harder time’ in those spaces,” Roderique tells me. “The experience on other sites, especially those that cater to people of colour, may be different, but even people of colour and black people are not immune from anti-blackness.

“I’ve gotten quite a few comments from other black women noting similar experiences to me and the other women I mention in the article on the large sites. This wasn’t really news to black women. As for others, it’s easy to keep yourself in the dark about racism and bias when you are part of the majority, and I seem to have shone a bit of light about this in those spaces.”

As Roderique alluded, there are incredibly complex social reasons behind racial preferences and stereotyping in dating. Systemic racism continues to oppress and “other” people of colour and interracial romantic relationships were taboo — even illegal — until shamefully recently in our history.

So are you racist if you aren’t open to dating everyone? I don’t know. Are you the product of a racist society? Undoubtedly, yes. We all are. And we’re going to have to work hard at being inclusive and open-minded in dating and in every other aspect of life if we’re set on making any progress at all.

Sofi Papamarko is the founder of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking. Reach her at facebook.com/sofipapamarko

I don't date Asians — sorry, not sorry.

You're cute ... for an Asian.

I usually like "bears," but no "panda bears."

These were the types of messages Jason, a 29-year-old Los Angeles resident, remembers receiving on different dating apps and websites when he logged on in his search for love seven years ago. He has since deleted the messages and apps.

"It was really disheartening," he says. "It really hurt my self-esteem."

Jason is earning his doctorate with a goal of helping people with mental health needs. NPR is not using his last name to protect his privacy and that of the clients he works with in his internship.

He is gay and Filipino and says he felt like he had no choice but to deal with the rejections based on his ethnicity as he pursued a relationship.

"It was hurtful at first. But I started to think, I have a choice: Would I rather be alone, or should I, like, face racism?"

Jason says he faced it and thought about it quite a bit. So he wasn't surprised when he read a blog post from OkCupid co-founder Christian Rudder in 2014 about race and attraction.

Rudder wrote that user data showed that most men on the site rated black women as less attractive than women of other races and ethnicities. Similarly, Asian men fell at the bottom of the preference list for most women. While the data focused on straight users, Jason says he could relate.

"When I read that, it was a sort of like, 'Duh!' " he says. "It was like an unfulfilled validation, if that makes sense. Like, yeah, I was right, but it feels s***** that I was right."

"Least desirable"

The 2014 OkCupid data resonated so much with 28-year-old Ari Curtis that she used it as the basis of her blog, Least Desirable, about dating as a black woman.

"My goal," she wrote, "is to share stories of what it means to be a minority not in the abstract, but in the awkward, exhilarating, exhausting, devastating and occasionally amusing reality that is the pursuit of love."

Curtis works in marketing in New York City and says that although she loves how open-minded most people in the city are, she didn't always find that quality in dates she started meeting online.

After drinks at a Brooklyn bar, one of her more recent OkCupid matches, a white Jewish man, offered this: "He was like, 'Oh, yeah, my family would never approve of you.' " Curtis explains, "Yeah, because I'm black."

Curtis describes meeting another white man on Tinder, who brought the weight of damaging racial stereotypes to their date. "He was like, 'Oh, so we have to bring the 'hood out of you, bring the ghetto out of you!' " Curtis recounts. "It made me feel like I wasn't enough, who I am wasn't what he expected, and that he wanted me to be somebody else based on my race."

Why might our dating preferences feel racist to others?

Other dating experts have pointed to such stereotypes and lack of multiracial representation in the media as part of the likely reason that plenty of online daters have had discouraging experiences based on their race.

Melissa Hobley, OkCupid's chief marketing officer, says the site has learned from social scientists about other reasons that people's dating preferences come off as racist, including the fact that they often reflect IRL — in real life — norms.

"[When it comes to attraction,] familiarity is a really big piece," Hobley says. "So people tend to be often attracted to the people that they are familiar with. And in a segregated society, that can be harder in certain areas than in others."

Curtis says she relates to that idea because she has had to come to terms with her own biases. After growing up in the mostly white town of Fort Collins, Colo., she says she exclusively dated white men until she moved to New York.

"I feel like there is room, honestly, to say, 'I have a preference for somebody who looks like this.' And if that person happens to be of a certain race, it's hard to blame somebody for that," Curtis says. "But on the other hand, you have to wonder: If racism weren't so ingrained in our culture, would they have those preferences?"

Hobley says the site made changes over the years to encourage users to focus less on potential mates' demographics and appearance and more on what she calls "psychographics."

"Psychographics are things like what you're interested in, what moves you, what your passions are," Hobley says. She also points to a recent study by international researchers that found that a rise in interracial marriages in the U.S. over the past 20 years has coincided with the rise of online dating.

"If dating apps can actually play a role in groups and people getting together [who] otherwise might not, that's really, really exciting," Hobley says.

"Everyone deserves love"

Curtis says she is still conflicted about her own preferences and whether she'll continue to use dating apps. For now, her strategy is to keep a casual attitude about her romantic life.

"If I don't take it seriously, then I don't have to be disappointed when it doesn't go well," she says.

Jason is out of the dating game entirely because he ended up finding his current partner, who is white, on an app two years ago. He credits part of his success with making bold statements about his values in his profile.

"I had said something, like, really obnoxious, looking back on it now," he says with a laugh. "I think one of the first lines I said was like, 'social justice warriors to the front of the line please.' "

He says weeding through the racist messages he received as a result was hard, but worth it.

"Everyone deserves love and kindness and support," he says. "And pushing through and holding that close to yourself is, I think, actually also what kept me in this online dating realm — just knowing that I deserve this, and if I am lucky enough, it will happen. And it did."

Alyssa Edes and Laura Roman contributed to this report.

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I dating apps for sex reddit born in a small port town in Japan and moved to Eugene, Oregon, when I was 5 years old, where I lived until I graduated college. I’m half-Asian — my mom is Japanese, and my dad is white — but that was enough to be mostly treated as Asian growing up in a town that’s around 83% white and only around 4.5% Asian. 

In middle and high school, acquaintances asian men black women dating sites referred to me and my twin brother as “the Best online dating site instead of by our names. Friends casually called us racial slurs, asian men online dating. I brushed most of these comments off as well-intentioned, if misguided, jokes. 

But out of all of the racist comments, the ones that stung the most were those that attacked my fragile sense of adolescent masculinity: “Asian guys aren’t hot.” “They’re awkward and bad with girls.” 

At the same time, in the TV shows and movies I was watching — stuff like “South Park” asian men online dating “The Hangover” series — Asian men were often the butt of jokes and never serious love interests. As a straight, cis teen, it made me think I’d never get a girlfriend. 

From a young age, asian men online dating, it was clear to me: America doesn’t find Asian men attractive. 

This notion was reinforced over and over as I got older and women, even those who were attracted to me, told me they aren’t normally attracted to Asian men, and as white people around me made jokes about how Asian men are sexually undesirable because they’re overly academic, unathletic and insecure. 

In recent years, there’s been more representation and richer roles for men of Asian descent in mainstream American TV shows and movies, such as 2020’s “Minari,” for which Steven Yeun became the first Asian American to earn a best actor Oscar nomination; “Searching” with John Cho; “The Green Knight” starring Dev Patel; and Marvel’s upcoming “Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings” starring Simu Liu. There’s been an explosion in popularity for K-pop bands like BTS. Even so, asian men online dating, and even as the nation undergoes a racial reckoning, asian men online dating, things don’t seem to have changed all that much for Asian men who are dating. And old stereotypes about Asian men persist.

Related

Grace Kao, a sociology professor at Yale University, has been tracking how Asian American men fare in the dating pool for years. Her research offers a look at how much discrimination Asian American men face when dating.

A 2015 study Kao co-authored found that only asian men online dating of Asian men ages 25 to 32 were in romantic relationships, compared to over three-quarters of Black, Hispanic and white men. The data also showed that Asian women were half as likely to be unpartnered, compared with Asian men. She also found, in a 2018 paper she co-authored, that gay Asian men in America face the same discrimination in their love lives. 

Kao says the statistics show a clear hierarchy based on race that leaves Asian men on the bottom rung. If everybody had random preferences, things would even out and there’d be no strong bias for or against men of any race. “If that’s not racism, asian men online dating, I don’t know what is.”

Roots of discrimination

Kao says the roots of this discrimination come from stereotypes used to degrade Chinese male immigrants in the late 1800s, who were viewed as a “yellow peril” that would take white men’s jobs and endanger American society. Back then, Chinese people were portrayed in ugly caricatures with buck teeth and slanted eyes. During World War II, the same caricatures were used by cartoonists in an effort to drum up enthusiasm for a war against Japan.

During the yellow peril era, the notion that Asian men were feminine or asexual also took root, says Connie So, an American ethnic studies teaching professor at the University of Washington. So says the stereotype started because, along with building railroads, many of the first male Chinese immigrants to the U.S. worked jobs associated with women, like laundry and housecleaning. Later waves of male Asian immigrants from Japan and the Philippines also worked these types of jobs, and the stereotype grew into one of the strongest prevailing ideas about Asian men in America, So says.

In many popular American films and TV shows, asian men online dating, Asian men have been portrayed as weak or unattractive caricatures that could never be the serious love interest of a white woman. Mickey Rooney’s yellowface portrayal of the character I.Y. Yunioshi in the 1961 film “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” is an especially glaring example, complete with buck teeth and squinted eyelids. For a more contemporary example, I see Leslie Chow, a gangster character played by Ken Jeong in the 2009-13 film series “The Hangover” who uses an over-the-top Chinese accent to yell and swear, as a continuation of Asian male characters used as comedic foils to white leads.

Yes, asian men online dating, there was Bruce Lee, who played strong, asian men online dating, fierce characters, but he was the exception to the black people dating site, highlighting just how few Asian male characters were in films and TV shows at all, and how those few roles were mostly for weak or comical characters. And So points out that Lee was rarely seen in romantic or sexual situations.  

Because of these stereotypes perpetuated by the media, many of her Asian American male students have poor self-esteem, So says. “I don’t know the number of times I’ve had to talk to my [Asian] male students to tell them, ‘Why do you look down on yourself like that? You shouldn’t do that.’”

Overcoming internalized racism

I didn’t know these statistics and this history in middle school, but I knew (at least subconsciously) that being Asian was something that detracted from my attractiveness. I entered high school without having had my first kiss, shy and insecure, trying to subdue my Asianness as much as I could. 

One way I did that was by only trying to date white girls. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, all of the racist asian men online dating, movies and TV shows that told me white women would never want me made me desperately want to date white women. If I could date a white girl, I thought, I would be normal and accepted.   

In my freshman year of high school, I had my first kiss (with a white girl, of course). And as I moved up the grades I casually dated white girls and eventually got my first serious girlfriend, who was white, near the beginning of my senior year. Some of the girls I flirted with told me, “You’re Asian but you’re hot.” Or, “Asian guys aren’t hot but you’re only half-Asian.” 

I had mixed feelings about that. Being told I was hot was an enormous relief after years of thinking I was unattractive. I started to believe that despite my Asianness, or maybe because I was only half-Asian, there were white girls out there who found me attractive. But at the same time, it still felt like being Asian was something I had to fight and overcome to get girls to like me, asian men online dating. It still meant that Dating sites in fargo nd would have been regarded as better if I was white.

It wasn’t until years later that I began to realize that my wanting to date white girls was tied to a need for validation. Having grown up with so many movies and TV shows that presented white women as the pinnacle of beauty, of white society as the norm and the top of the racial hierarchy, asian men online dating, I thought that dating white girls would mean that I was successful, that I had made it to the top of the hierarchy, too. 

When I started taking classes at the University of Oregon, I majored in Japanese. After so many years ignoring or even actively suppressing my Asian identity, I felt guilty and wanted to reconnect with my Japanese roots and talk to my Japanese extended family members, asian men online dating, none of whom speak English. Though UO is in Eugene, it has a slightly higher Asian population (6.4%) than the rest of the city, and many of the students in the Japanese major are Japanese American or Chinese international students. In that environment, I felt less abnormal for being Asian.

The summer after my freshman year, I studied Japanese at a university in Tokyo and got to know my relatives better. I didn’t feel fully accepted in Japan, being ethnically half-Japanese with American mannerisms, but I started feeling more proud of my Japanese background. 

Then, in the summer after my sophomore year, I interned at a newspaper in the East Bay Area, the most diverse place I’d ever lived. My first night there, I went out to a bar in downtown Berkeley, and while spilling my gin and tonic as I was jostled by the crowd, I felt a profound sense of asian men online dating It was the first time I felt like I didn’t stand out because of my race. It made me realize the pain I’d experienced for not feeling like I belonged in Eugene. That’s when I started actively examining my racial experience and trying to overcome my feelings that I was lesser for being an Asian man.

I came to realize how the racism I faced as a kid shaped my self-esteem, asian men online dating, and how my belief that Asian men weren’t attractive was harming me. My internalized white supremacy was degrading an immutable part of who I am.

Since then, I’ve been telling myself, “I’m Asian, and I’m hot.” Now, at age 23, I believe it. And I don’t only try to date white women anymore. 

Are things changing for Asian American men?

Asian male representation in the media has come a long way from when I was a kid. People cite movies like “Crazy Rich Asians” and the K-pop explosion as signs that things are changing for men of Asian descent. 

But has that changed things for regular Asian American men who are dating? 

Not really — at least it seems that way anecdotally from the experiences of Asian men in the Seattle area who I talked to.

In fact, though Eugene is a whiter city than Seattle, which is around 15% Asian and 67% white, Asian men my age who’ve lived in Seattle far longer than me tell me they’ve felt a similar bias against them when dating, and felt some of the same things I did. 

Clovis Wong, a 24-year-old elementary school teacher who’s lived in the Seattle area his whole life, says that when he was in middle school in Bellevue he asian men online dating, “If I date a white woman, I’ll become a real American.” Wong says since then, he realized his identity doesn’t hinge on who he’s in a relationship with.

Wong, whose ethnic background is Chinese, says he’s struggled with dating because of asian men online dating race, asian men online dating. He’s had Tinder, the popular online dating app, since 2017 and has only gotten two dates. Wong says it’s impossible to pin down exactly why he gets rejected, but it’s painful to wonder every time if it was because he was Asian.

“Knowing that there’s this kind of general bias against me … I think I’m just afraid to approach anyone now,” Wong says. He says dating is hard enough without asian men online dating racial anxieties in the mix, though he says he doesn’t worry as much when he approaches Asian men online dating women.

And though there are definitely more Asian men portrayed in American media now, Asian American men are a diverse group with a wide range of physical appearances, and many I talked to asian men online dating they don’t see themselves in actor Henry Golding from “Crazy Rich Asians” or the members of K-pop group BTS. 

Chris Masangcay, asian men online dating, 22, a Filipino American who’s in the military in the Seattle area, says most of the Asian men Americans drool over have light skin and look nothing like him. And, he says, with so few Asian male celebrities in America, Asian men are held to a higher standard than white men (many of whom are famous in Hollywood, even if they don’t have chiseled physiques and jaw lines).

Kevin Nguyen, 32, who’s Vietnamese American but usually perceived as Indian (he recently found out one of his biological grandparents asian men online dating Indian), says South, Southeast and East Asian men all face discrimination in dating, though he has seen more representation of East Asian men in U.S. media recently. Nguyen says he’d hardly get any matches when he used dating apps, and though it’s hard to tell if it’s because he’s Asian, asian men online dating white guys get matches all the time.”

Some Asian American men even think the K-pop phenomenon, which is often heralded as a boon for Asian male representation, is causing a fetishization of certain types of Asian men that complicates their love lives. Wong says he recently matched with a girl on Tinder who wrote in her bio that she was “looking for her K-pop boyfriend.” He says her bio made him feel uncomfortable, and he didn’t meet up with her, since he wants to be seen for who he is, not as an embodiment of a stereotype.

Maybe it’s too early for recent notable developments for Asian Americans — the increased visibility fat girl dating apps Hollywood, asian men online dating, the nation’s racial reckoning, asian men online dating, the “Stop Asian Hate” movement started in response to an increase in hate crimes against Asians in 2020 — to have a measurable effect on how Asian American men are treated in the U.S. 

But I’m hopeful things are changing. I’ve had countless conversations over the last year with young Asian American men who’ve consciously tried to feel and express pride for their cultures in the face of prejudice driven by racist ideas about the cause of the coronavirus. And though the rise in hate crimes against Asians was painful to see, it helped create a widespread acknowledgment of the discrimination Asians, including Asian men, still face in America. I think this acknowledgment is a good first step toward fighting this racism. 

If people acknowledge that discrimination against Asian men exists in the dating pool, asian men online dating, they might question the reasons for their own sexual preferences and eventually overcome the racism that warps their choices in romantic partners. 

And if things in Hollywood keep progressing the way they have been, maybe there will be a future where Asian men who aren’t as beautiful as K-pop idols or as muscular as Henry Golding can get leading roles, and the average-looking Asian man will have as good of a shot as anybody at scoring a date.

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The authors of a new book are arguing for race-blind dating apps — and the removal of filters for race and ethnicity.

Finding love, they say, isn’t so black-and-white. 

In a new book, “The Dating Divide: Race and Desire in the Era of Online Romance,” sociologists Jennifer Lundquist, Celeste Vaughan Curington and Ken Hou-Lin show how online dating sites exacerbate racial divisions.

They found that race-related “preference” filters on digital dating platforms help foster racist attitudes — especially toward black women. 

“Filtering out people based on race is a normal practice on dating apps,” Lundquist told The Post. 

“The idea of having racial preferences is unacceptable and illegal in any other arena,” she added. “But it’s literally built into the structure of these dating apps.”

A 2014 study about dating preferences along racial lines on OKCupid came to a similar conclusion: Black women had a hard time matching on dating apps, asian men online dating, as did black and Asian men.

(The 2014 study also found that preferring to date within one’s race was fairly common. For instance, black women preferred to date black men at a rate surpassed only by Asian women’s preference for Asian men.)

For their book, Lundquist and her co-writers analyzed large-scale behavioral data from one of the leading dating sites in America. The authors declined to publicly reveal which digital dating platform they used for their research per a data-share agreement with the website. 

They also conducted over 75 in-depth interviews with daters of diverse racial backgrounds and sexual identities. 

The authors found that racial filtering on mating forums exposed black women to more exclusion and rejection than white, Latina and Asian female daters. Black women were the most likely to be excluded from searches, as well as the most likely recipients of offensive messages.

The research trio found that discrimination is laced into the algorithms of mainstream dating apps and websites.

“[It’s] this idea that it’s OK to say, ‘I prefer this race of people, and I don’t like this race of people for my romantic interest,’” Curington explained to The Post.

Hinge, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish and Match.com offer race and ethnicity filters, while Tinder and Bumble do not. 

While plenty of people have “a type” when it comes to dating, the researchers found that filtering for race also let “people feel free to express their biases and racial misogyny towards women of color in a way they typically wouldn’t in a face-to-face encounter,” Lundquist said.

So, how did users go from being ignored to harassed? One possible explanation: When the average dating-app user doesn’t see black women because of the filters they’ve set, you end up with a higher percentage of users seeking black women as a “fetish.”

For Nicole, a 39-year-old Afro Caribbean single mother from Brooklyn, receiving overly sexual overtures from non-black men on apps has become an unwelcome norm. 

“Right off the bat these guys are approaching me with, ‘Hey, sexy chocolate,’ or ‘I love your beautiful black body. Can you twerk?,’” the registered nurse told The Post.

Nicole and other black daters who’ve endured racist attitudes while online dating declined to share their full names with The Post for privacy reasons. 

“I’m on these apps hoping to find a meaningful relationship and these guys are treating me like a sex object before even extending a proper ‘Hello,’” the Brooklyn resident added. 

The authors found that black women on matchmaking platforms must frequently contend with racist stereotypes such as the sexually insatiable “Jezebel,” which has roots in slavery, and the “angry black woman” asian men online dating a belief that black women are innately unruly and ill-tempered. 

“We talked to a number of educated black women who were thriving in their careers and looking for comparable partners,” Curington told The Post. “But there’s a disconnect between who they are in real life versus the Jezebel stereotype they’re being subjected to online.”

Mish, a black executive assistant to C-suite business administrators, told The Post that her digital quest for companionship reaped a paltry handful of bad love connections. 

“I’m very turned off by dating sites now,” the 53-year-old Bronx native insisted. “They make me feel uneasy. Like I’m not being seen as the beautiful queen I am.”

She recalls one relationship with a Hispanic man that quickly turned sour.

“When we first met, he made a point of telling me how much he loved black women,” Mish told The Post. 

He was sexually aggressive during their first in-person meet-up last year. After finally engaging in consensual sex, he ghosted her. 

She later discovered he had a sordid history of fetishizing black women for his personal pleasures, then dumping them once top us totally free dating sites had his fun. 

“He targets black women because we’re seen as sexual objects, nothing more,” she said, noting that they asian men online dating spoke again. 

Black gay men were also subjected to hypersexualized stereotypes, the authors found.  

Clark, a 26-year-old urban contemporary choreographer, told The Post his brush with racism ultimately got him banned from a leading dating app. 

“At first this white guy was sweet,” the Manhattan-based dancer explained. “But after a few messages, he asked for nude pictures to see ‘if the rumors asian men online dating black guys are true.’”

Clark responded to the request with a flurry of expletives. The man reported Clark to the app administrators for “cyber bullying.” Clark’s dating profile was immediately deactivated. 

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw my profile was gone. I had to create a whole new account,” Clark told The Post. “It was like I was being attacked twice, once by the white guy and once by the app.”

The authors suggest doing away with racial filters on apps in order to eliminate the perpetuation of racial stereotyping and discrimination. 

However, they note that their objective isn’t to bash people for having a dating “type,” nor is it to browbeat folks into dating outside of their race. 

“We’re not dumping on dating apps or people’s individual choices,” Curington told The Post. “We just want everyone to be aware of the long-standing societal issues being exacerbated on this platform.”

I hadn’t been on Tinder for long before I realized something was wrong: Hardly anyone was reciprocating my interest. Matches were few and far between. None of my close friends, many of whom relied exclusively on the dating app to meet singles, seemed to be encountering this problem. Were my images grainy and off-center? Was there a grammatical error in my personal statement? Should I have adopted a terrier? A beagle? Or was the problem something else altogether? My dalliance with Tinder lasted for four weeks before I boarded up the account and returned to the world of low-tech, meat-and-potatoes courtship.

In 2009, OkTrends, the research arm of the dating website OkCupid, parsed user data to determine racial preferences in online dating, asian men online dating. What they found was that users placed a premium on members of their own race. This was especially true of white users and women users. The only groups not to be categorically discriminated against were white men and Asian women. Last year, OkTrends updated their research with five additional years’ worth of data, culled from some 25 million users. Had users become more open-minded in their dating practices in the past half-decade? The data suggested a different narrative: Their biases had become even more pronounced. Paradoxically, when surveyed, fewer users answered “yes” to the question of whether they preferred to date someone of their own race. So, while users exercised greater discretion in their stated preference, asian men online dating, in practice their actions remained the same.

The same dissonance between stated and revealed preference is observed in a recent paper in Sociological Science. Researchers studied whether same-race preferences in online dating could be drawn neatly along ideological lines. Those who identified as politically conservative were more candid in their same-race serious dating site for 100 free than liberals or moderates. Yet all ideological factions, in actual practice, demonstrated a similar proclivity for partners of the same race.

People asian men online dating color open to dating outside their own race must resign themselves to the fact that large portions of the dating pool, white or otherwise, exist outside the sphere of possibility.

People of color open to dating outside their own race must resign themselves to the fact that large portions of the dating pool, white or otherwise, exist outside the sphere of possibility. In a crowded bar or coffee shop, one might—with an opportune bon mot—manage to scale the barrier of race, or at least be politely entertained, but this feat proves more difficult on dating apps and websites, asian men online dating. The anonymity of online dating allows us to discriminate freely without the guilt associated with point-blank rejection. And if sd dating site studies are to be trusted, Asian men face the steepest climb.

A speed-dating event was asian men online dating at Columbia University to examine the behavioral patterns of participants. The event, which corralled graduate students of all backgrounds, provided each pairing with four minutes to strike up a conversation, asian men online dating. Asian men, who accounted for over 20 percent of the dating body, were at a considerable disadvantage in the experiment. When asked if they would like to see the person again, women were 33 percent less likely to respond affirmatively to Asian men than to members of other races. They were 60 percent less likely to respond positively to Asian men than members of their own race. Even Asian women, by a small margin, preferred the company of white men to that of Asian men.

A related study at Columbia tried to estimate how much men of different ethnic groups would need to earn to become as desirable to a woman as a man of her own race. With all other factors normalized, an Asian man would have to earn an additional $247,000 to stand on equal footing with his white counterpart and $220,000 to match up with an African-American suitor. This statistic is less intimidating to a pediatric surgeon or venture capitalist than it is to, say, a freelance writer and part-time house-sitter.

Gay men likewise dating a shorter guy reddit race-based discrimination on dating platforms. Grindr has come under scrutiny for the partisan practices of its users: Expedient shorthands like “no rice” and “no curry” are used to asian men online dating Asians from communicating their interest, asian men online dating. On OkCupid, black and Indian males had the lowest response rates of any ethnic group. Among women, black and Native American women yielded the lowest response rates, but only by a slight margin. This multilateral web of discrimination is one reason for the balkanization of dating into factional—or “niche”—services.

The role of media in shaping desire shouldn’t be overlooked. As cultural authorities, magazines and television help define the boundaries of human beauty. The appeal of certain features may stem from some biological imperative, but for the most part physical attractiveness is as manufactured as trends in fashion. The scarcity of Asian men in Western media creates an imaginative lacuna in the minds of men and women in dating situations. An analysis of the 100 highest-grossing films of 2014 found that Asians constituted only 5.3 percent of speaking characters. More than 40 of these films had no Asian characters, while Asian men were by far the least sexualized of all race types. In magazines, Asian men were almost non-existent.

Of the Asian men that do appear on screen, most adhere to outdated stereotypes. Either they serve as scientist or sidekick, asian men online dating of romantic feeling, or they act panic-stricken and skittish around members of the opposite gender. Instances of Asian males featured as a romantic lead can be counted on one hand.

European beauty standards remain the dominant aesthetic in our culture. Features like blue eyes, straight hair, and fair skin are the insignia of physical beauty. In Asia, asian men online dating, the skin-lightening market has blossomed into a multi-billion dollar industry. Facial creams that inhibit the production of melanin have become commonplace in Asian households, even among the male populace. It is no coincidence that the asian men online dating revered actress in Bollywood cinema has fair skin and green eyes.

When Kiri Davis, in her student film a Girl Like Me (2005), recreated Kenneth and Mamie Clark's landmark doll test, she found that African-American children still overwhelmingly preferred the lighter-skinned doll to the darker-skinned doll:

In the wake of the 2008 election, Good Morning America once again performed the experiment, this time with an additional question: “Which of the two dolls is the prettiest?” While the boys regarded both dolls as pretty, nearly half of the girls said the white doll was the pretty one:

Names can have a bearing gay dating app your dating success as well. Happn, a proximity-based dating app popular in the United Kingdom, analyzed which names are the most attractive to users. For men, James, Richard, asian men online dating, Tom, and Will were deemed the most desirable titles. Sarah, Sophie, Laura, and Charlotte topped the list of women. Very few of the names on the list are generally associated with people of color.

There was best dating sites for big women brief period when I considered going by Rob. I would practice reciting the name when ordering coffee or calling for takeout. As a teenager, I was intent on changing my name. I believed a Western name would help me to pass for someone other than what I was. Years of butchered pronunciations and misspellings taught me to be quietly ashamed of my name. But the reality was that I was ashamed of my race—to which I am inextricably linked by the peculiarity of my name.

We accept the notion that attraction is organic, immutable, and therefore immune to criticism. But when a former friend confides in me that he isn’t attracted to black women, should I simply chalk it up to biology? That isn’t a biological response; it’s a manual dating divorced women. A person of color doesn’t conform to his ideal of a romantic partner. To couch that asian men online dating in the vestment of preference is self-deceiving.

Some daters believe that the chasm between cultures is too wide to bridge, yet asian men online dating concern is seldom raised between, say, metropolitans and small-towners—two cultures that stand in stark contrast of one another. If race alone is enough to dismiss someone, to invalidate dating site westchester other qualities they may have, then what we see in these numbers runs much deeper than general preference.

The Rooney Rule, instituted by the National Football League over a decade ago, mandates that teams interview at least one minority candidate for all head coaching and senior management positions. The rule is far from foolproof, but it has created improved conditions for people of color in professional sports, asian men online dating. Tech companies have implemented the rule to encourage diversity in the workplace. It would be both draconian and impractical to impose this policy on dating app users; the rule, however, can serve as a helpful measure in our personal dating practices. For every three or four dates with someone of the same race, aim to go out with one person of a different background. Even if the relationship doesn’t survive past the pilot encounter, it may be enough to ease our xenophobic fears and puncture certain assumptions we have about race.

Like many people, Hanmin Yang has long used dating apps in his search for love.

But after years of online dating, he realized that there was a need that mainstream apps weren’t fulfilling.

So, asian men online dating, today, with the help from iBoost Zone, an early stage technology incubator at Ryerson, Yang is preparing to launch a new dating app into the mix.

Called Alike, external link, the app is unique in that it focuses on the celebration of Asian culture, identity and pride.

For Yang, a graduate of Ryerson’s bachelor's degree in filmmaking and master's degree in media production, the project is a perfect asian men online dating of his passions.

“I wanted to become my own boss, so I thought of problems that I’d like to tackle - and creating meaningful connections was the one that really resonated,” he said.

‘Does he speak English?’

The need for Alike became apparent, he says, after years of online dating, and noticing patterns in the kinds of messages he was receiving, and the matches he was - and wasn’t - making.

“In real life, I don't have much of a problem connecting with asian men online dating. But on dating apps, it's a totally different story,” said Yang, who grew asian men online dating in Canada and whose parents are from South Korea.

First, he says negative stereotypes about Asian men depicted in the media over the years play a role.

“When women see images of Asian men on a dating app, they don't know it, asian men online dating, but they're looking at these people through the lens that they've built over their years from watching certain movies that depict Asian people and Asian men in a certain light,” he said.

“One of the questions they ask themselves is, ‘Does he speak English?’” he said.

“That's one of the myths about Asian people that's perpetuated in society - that they're constant foreigners,” Yang continued, recognizing that Asian representation in media today has improved, but asian men online dating still remain.

Lack of representation

He also says part of the problem is that some Asians have internalized negative stereotypes, which leads to a lack of confidence.

“I immigrated to Canada when I was eight years old, and I learned to navigate Canadian culture and society by watching television and movies. I watched Back to the Future, Fresh Prince, Saved by the Bell. I didn’t see any Asian people at all. Never, asian men online dating. So, asian men online dating was mainstream senior dating sites reviews telling me? That Asians are unwanted. And when you did see Asians, they were represented in a way that was embarrassing and insulting,” he said.

It’s those factors, asian men online dating, along with the fact that mainstream apps don’t give the opportunity for people like Yang to accurately convey who they are, he said.

“People aren’t perceiving me accurately. I wanted a way for someone like myself to cut through negative stereotypes and be able to reveal my true personality, so that I can find meaningful connections,” he said.

“I’m open to dating women of all backgrounds,” he tells me. “Except for black women.”

“I’ve just never been attracted to Asian men,” she says.

Uncomfortable yet? Unfortunately, the vast majority of singles I’ve worked with have clear racial preferences and biases when it comes to dating. Now that I’m four years into professional matchmaking, Asian men online dating seen clear patterns emerge when it funny dating advice for guys to race and attraction.

White men: congratulations! Women of every racial background asian men online dating to strongly prefer dating you. Asian and Latin women are most popular with asian men online dating gents. Black women and Asian men are the two groups most notably at a dating disadvantage. They asian men online dating the hardest singles for me to match, because they tend to be excluded from the match black phone chat adult dating free of the majority of clients. Men seemingly open to dating “anyone and everyone” eventually include a “no black women” addendum. Women who state they only want to find a nice, asian men online dating, kind, man say that they have no real physical preferences … as long as the man in question isn’t Asian, asian men online dating. Non-starter, that.

The online dating world is also stacked against black women and Asian men. According to Christian Rudder’sOKCupid blog, stats from 2014 show that 82 per cent of non-black men on OKCupid show some bias against black women. Similarly, Asian men’s dating profiles are asian men online dating rated the lowest by single women using online dating sites. But why?

“Attractiveness is a very haphazard dish that can’t be boiled down to height or skin colour, asian men online dating, but Asian men are told that regardless of what the idyllic mirepoix is or isn’t, we just don’t have the ingredients,” television host Eddie Huang recently wrote in the New Asian men online dating Times.

“The structural emasculation of Asian men in all forms of media became a self-fulfilling prophecy that produced an actual abhorrence to Asian men in the real world.”

Pop culture is a window into desire, asian men online dating. Consider the male Asian characters in asian men online dating you’ve seen in the last several years. What were their roles? When was the last time you saw a North American film where a desirable Asian man played the romantic lead and didn’t know martial arts?

A similar story presents itself when we deconstruct black women in popular culture. In film and television, black women are often portrayed as two-dimensional “strong and sassy” stereotypes (see: Leslie Jones’ character in “Ghostbusters: Answer the Call” or Jennifer Hudson asian men online dating Carrie Bradshaw’s personal assistant in “Sex and the City: The Movie.”) When cast as a romantic interest, they’re usually played by biracial or multiracial women with lighter skin tones, such as Halle Berry or Zendaya.

“Society tells us that black women are hypersexual but also more masculine than other women, while it suggests that Asian men are less masculine — to the point of being effeminate — and that they are physically less attractive,” says Shantel Buggs, a PhD Candidate in sociology at the University of Texas. “All of this centres on Eurocentric beauty standards, which privilege those who are white or are white adjacent in appearance — things like lighter skin, light coloured eyes, thinner noses, certain jawline shapes. So, when we see Asian men and black women having a harder time, part of it has to do with beauty standards and part of it has to do with the ways people are socialized to imagine how Asian men or black women behave inside and outside of relationships.”

This exclusion of Asian men is a particularly visible problem in the gay community. “No rice, no spice” is social networking apps Scruff and Grindr parlance for “no East Asian men, no South Asian men.” Straight people aren’t nearly as upfront about their prejudices on Tinder, but having spoken to several women of colour about their time dating online, they seem to get fewer messages and matches than other women and are frequently racially fetishized when they do connect.

“I’ve personally experienced plenty of this,” Buggs tells me. “While pretty much all women of colour are considered more sexual and exotic than white women, asian men online dating, the ways in which this plays out varies. Asian women have historically been deemed more sexual but also are viewed as being more demure and feminine. Sexual narratives about Asian women suggest that they will not challenge a man’s masculinity the way that other women of colour might. So, they become idealized due to being considered very sexual but also very feminine. Alternatively, black women are viewed as hypersexual because of things like the legacy of chattel slavery, which also suggested that black women are more masculine and animalistic than other women. We’ve seen this over and over in the U.S. with how certain people talk about former First Lady Michelle Black motorcycle dating a recent feature article in the Walrus, lawyer Hadiya Roderique detailed her challenges dating as a woman of colour. When Hadiya photoshopped her dating profile photos so that she appeared to be a white woman, her profile’s popularity skyrocketed.

“When you combine demographics, the fact that users disproportionately message others of the same race, fetishism, sexualization of blackness, racism and anti-blackness, it adds up to — to put it mildly — asian men online dating ‘harder time’ in those spaces,” Roderique tells me. “The experience on other sites, especially those that cater to people of colour, may be different, but even people of colour and black people are not immune from anti-blackness.

“I’ve gotten quite a few comments from other black women noting similar experiences to me and the other women I mention in the article on the large sites. This wasn’t really news to black women. As for others, it’s easy to keep yourself in the dark about racism and bias when you are part of the majority, and I seem to have shone a bit of light about this in those spaces.”

As Roderique alluded, there are incredibly complex social reasons behind racial preferences and stereotyping in dating. Systemic racism continues to oppress and “other” people of colour and interracial romantic relationships were taboo — even illegal — until shamefully recently in our history.

So are you racist if you aren’t open to dating everyone? I don’t know. Are you the product of a racist society? Undoubtedly, yes. We all are, asian men online dating. And we’re going to have to work hard at being inclusive and open-minded in dating and in every other aspect of life if we’re set on making any progress at all.

Sofi Papamarko is the founder of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking. Reach her at facebook.com/sofipapamarko