Recently, my romantic interested accused me of throwing my Ph.D. in his face. Most Black women with Ph.D.’s will know exactly how egregious an accusation that is, especially since we are hypersensitive and overly vigilant about making sure never to “throw our degrees” in the face of less-accomplished potential boos or family members.

During a casual phone convo about our respective college experiences, Dude who is a high school math teacher and has a couple of advanced degrees in math fields remarked to me that he found most humanities/ social science majors, including English and Political Science—my undergrad majors—“illegitimate.” Now given that all of my degrees are in humanities fields, I was majorly incensed.

And although I’m used to –and normally unphased by– these inanely conceived verbal jousting matches that dudes engage highly educated women in in order to see if we are really as smart as our degrees seem to indicate, this time I was pissed.

It’s college administrators and other knuckleheads who think like him that make my job so hard in the first place. Thinking like this explains, partially anyway, why my students can’t write for shit and why my salary is a comically paltry percentage of the amount of student loans I owe.

When I questioned his logic, he got defensive. When I further exposed the flaws in his arguments (skills courtesy of my humanities education), he explained that he would not “back down,” or “give in” even though he could admit that his opinion “wasn’t well thought out,” because he knew that this is what I was used to men doing…”backing down to stroke my ego.” Projection, anyone?

What I’m actually used to men doing is attacking me once they start intellectual fights they can’t finish. I’m used to men putting me in the friend zone because they find my smarts intriguing but not sexy. I’m used to men straight up belittling and insulting me—calling me stupid, unattractive, or using “feminist” like an expletive—in order to get the upper hand when they feel intellectually outmatched. 

Yep. So I went off. Reiterated the illogic of his arguments. Told him my feelings were hurt. Explained that it is important to me that folks who are close to me value what I do, as it is a part of who I am.

His reply: “well, I think it’s cool that you’re a teacher. And people should teach subjects they are passionate about.” Subjects that he doesn’t respect, mind you. “I don’t just teach; I also conduct research and write books and articles” I told him, trying to get him to understand that his remark was patronizing at best. 

What did I say “just” for?

To that came his snarky reply, “I don’t just teach either, and just because I don’t have three little letters behind my name, doesn’t make what I do any less valuable.”

I’ll spare you the sordid details; let’s just say it’s was already a thin line and he crossed it.

But the situation reminded me of all the ways that patriarchy conspires against our ability to build loving connections with men.

• Patriarchy makes men competitive. It makes them see women with more education as competition rather than as folks who would make good partners.  
• Patriarchy conditions men to use emotional extortion and passive aggressive behaviors –saying hurtful things and then claiming them as innocuous opinions; shutting down after deliberately saying something provocative and offensive and then accusing the woman of picking fights or being emotional; demanding your silence in the face of offensive behaviors in exchange for love and affection–as a way to gain control over women who intimidate them.
•  Patriarchy makes straight men feel justified in domesticating smart women. In the case of Black men, with whom I’m most familiar, they largely measure success by their ability to create traditional families. By contrast, many accomplished  straight Black women have become that way largely by jettisoning their investment in traditional gender roles. I get it at an historical level. The Civil Rights Movement for Black men was as much about manhood as about race. Black men wanted to be able to perform the traditional roles that they’d seen white men performing for their families. And they built concepts of masculinity around such outcomes.  Black men want women who are impressed and content if they stay, provide, and lead.  For Black women, there were different outcomes, courtesy of Civil Rights and Black feminism. These sisters imagine men who champion their careers and are willing to actively co-parent– men who partner, support, and communicate.  
• Male privilege allows Black men not to interrogate these relational preferences, but rather to see them as natural and innate. Hence, they never have to explain why it feels emotionally safer and more comfortable to them to date, conquer, and domesticate a high-achieving sister.  Black women have not had such luxuries. Many of us have had to relinquish our supposed natural desires for a traditional hetero-patriarchal set-up and entertain/embrace other possibilities for partnership. But if dudes can’t or won’t get on board with that, then largely we are shit out of luck. And the reality is that most Black men don’t have to get on board with it; with 70% of highly educated Black women having never been married, our choice not to submit to traditional expectations will not cost Black men anything in the way of finding a partner.

And perhaps it was that realization, that Dude could just pick up and move on to the next one, in a way that my lack of options has not thus far seemed to allow, that made me stay when I knew—and when many of you told me months ago—to go. But perpetual romantic droughts can make one’s principles—“You’re the best thing I never had; there’s a good in goodbye (I never have the Beyonce “sucks to be u” moment, y’all!!! Will I never be vindicated?); etc, etc” seem like the most unconsoling of consolation prizes.

Graduate Student Advice Month

http://www.phdcomics.com/

Last year at a conference I was talking to one of my mentors about how it felt to be in the final year of a PhD. She asked me if I was in a relationship with anyone, and I said I wasn’t. Her reply summed it up:

“That’s probably for the best.”

Relationships are incompatible with PhDs, seems to be the conclusion. A recent BuzzFeed article really hit home with lots of my PhD friends – ‘24 Struggles You’ll Only Understand If You’re Dating A PhD Student’ – it covers a lot of the issues PhD students in couples have. Put most simply, being the partner of a PhD student largely means accepting that the Thesis is the biggest part of both of your lives, and is a far bigger player in how your relationship goes than either of you are.

But how does that translate to dating? There are a lot of advice-to-students articles about how to maintain relationships, but how does that translate for the single Grad student? To address this, I thought I would offer my own, painful insight, by making suggestions for what an academic’s honest dating profile might look like.

My Self-Summary

I’m a PhD student in London, researching women in the boardroom.

What I’m doing with my life…

I’m in the last 6 months of my PhD, so I spend most of my time re-reading sections of my thesis that I have already re-written many times over, and drinking too much coffee, and getting angry with people who get between me and the coffee. Rest of the time spent hopping from one existential crisis to another, oscillating wildly between a range of contradictory emotions and over-thinking.

I’m really good at…

Adding ‘hyper’ and ‘meta’ to words to make them seem more interesting . Living on almost no money. Eating cold leftovers for a week without anyone noticing.  Killing plants. Writing abstracts. Rewriting abstracts. Missing deadlines. Deconstructing the patriarchy.

The first things people usually notice about me…

General disarray and scattiness. Possibly the look of madness in the eye while I try to hold a number of theories in my head and analyse my data and finish this marking and reply to my students’ requests and apply for more funding. Sorry, what was the question again?

[Nothing says ‘date me’ like academia exhaustion, amirite?]

Favourite books, movies, shows, music and food…

Books : Critical Discourse Analysis, Conducting Qualitative Research, Analysing Qualitative Data (8^th ed.). Anything by Erving Goffman, Michel Foucault, Judith Butler or Pierre Bourdieu. Mainly I am good at buying theory books I wont have time to read, and stacking them around me on my desk to make myself feel like I’m working.

I gave up fiction in about 2008 when I got accepted into my Master’s program. Except Harry Potter, which I find is a good cure for academic insomnia.

Music – Classical, ambient, or generally anything that doesn’t have words to it, so I can listen to it while I work.

Food – I am a whizz at making a week’s worth of library-food on little to no money. The most exciting days are when conferences take place in our building and there’s free sandwiches. [Once, someone brought in a box of Krispy Kremes and there was nearly a riot.]

The six things I could never do without…

1) Mobile office – [laptop, keyboard, mouse, notebook, highlighter pens (2), dictaphone, book on Discourse Analysis, journal article on sense-making] Just in case I get caught out somewhere away from work and have to fill time: tube; train; hospital waiting room; pub the 10 minutes before the date starts.
2) Coffee
3) Coffee
4) My supervisor’s approval
5) Coffee
6) Friends/family/lovers etc.

I spend a lot of time thinking about…

Myself. My work. My insecurities. Long words that other people don’t understand, that give me an inflated sense of self-importance. Wondering if it self-indulgent to do a PhD? Is it self-involved? I think I’m pretty self-involved anyway. Maybe the PhD has made me self-involved? Was I self-involved before I started? I’m not really self-involved, just obsessed with the thesis. But is there a difference between myself and the PhD? Where does it end and I begin?

What I’m going to do when I finish the PhD. I should plan that now, if I don’t have publications I will probably never get a job. And then I really will be alone forever. My thesis is great though, I’m so excited, it’s such a privilege to do research in an area I love. Except I am a complete failure, I am definitely going to be alone forever, and definitely not going to have a career in academia. Maybe I could get out of academia? What IS outside academia?

On a typical Friday night I am…

Trying to disguise the fact that all I can think is:

“You should be writing.
You should be writing.
You should be writing.
You should be writing.
You should be writing.”

…while I try to socialise. Becoming increasingly aware that every minute spent with my friends or a dating partner is paid for in time that should be spent working.

Saying the word ‘problematise’ and realising people are looking at me strangely.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit…

I have no idea how I got this far without everyone realising I’m a fraud.

You should message me if…

You want to go for a drink and talk about my thesis. Although I definitely don’t want to talk about my thesis. Which is awkward, because I can only think about my thesis.

Also, if we’re on a date and I run away half way through it’s probably because I’ve just worked out what theoretical framework to use to make sense of my third empirical chapter, rather than because you aren’t great. Probably.

Put yourself in these shoes: You are an overly-educated (Ph.D.) woman with creative and intellectual ambitions....voracious bookworm, writer, lover of ideas. Can you be happy in a romantic relationship with a nonintellectual man? He IS smart, but not a brainiac....and has every other quality you would want in a man....kind, generous, funny, hard-working, full of character. Responses from men and women, based on opinion and/or experience, are all welcome.
posted by smokingloon to Human Relations (66 answers total) 56 users marked this as a favorite

From the Inside Flap

Excerpt
Dating is harder for Christian men. You might think it's because of sexual purity issues, but it's not just that. The whole courtship process is more complicated. Questions about morality, theology, worship, intimacy, and God's will get involved. Relationships are hard enough for men that don't care about this kind of stuff. Dating is twice as complicated for Christians. Also, non-Christian guys don't care as much about a woman's relationship with God. Seeking a Christian girlfriend shrinks the field of available women. Most of the women you meet won't share your faith. Finding a perfect match is tough enough, but the odds are even worse when you expect her to have a relationship with Christ. This results in a sense of urgency when a Christian man meets a woman he'd like to ask out. He meets a woman who defies the odds and panics. He finds the equivalent of a winning lottery ticket but doesn't know how to cash it in. Despite the odds against you, dating can become easier. Notice I said easier, not easy. Yes, there are couples for whom everything comes naturally. They have perfect communication, they're happy all the time, and they knew they were destined to be with each other from the instant they met. These are the couples that make the rest of us nauseous, and they're happy exceptions. Most of the time, dating requires hard work.

From the Back Cover

Women Are Attracted to Men, Not Guys

Will the real men please stand up?

It's the battle cry of Steve Simpson's hilarious and disarming What Women Wish You Knew about Dating, with man-to-man advice on everything single Christian guys need to know about dating: meeting her, asking her out, and leading the relationship.

But first, you've got to be a man, not just another guy.

"A man approaches dating differently," writes Simpson. "He has confidence and passion. He's a risk-taker but not a foolish, reckless boy. He doesn't play games and he doesn't hide his agenda. And, though he respects women immensely, he doesn't worship or fear them."

Once you're in a relationship, there's a lot to learn and do. Simpson dissects common problems and shows men how to maintain healthy, holy relationships, heal deep wounds, and keep God first, girlfriend or not.

It's everything women wish we knew, and men need to master.

Stephen Simpson (PhD, Fuller Seminary), a psychologist in private practice and a professor, is the coauthor of What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex and author of Assaulted by Joy.

ज़्यादा पढ़ें

Recently, my romantic interested accused me of throwing my Ph.D. in his face. Most Black women with Ph.D.’s will know exactly how egregious an accusation that is, especially since we are hypersensitive and overly vigilant about making sure never to “throw our degrees” in the face of less-accomplished potential boos or family members.

During a casual phone convo about our respective college experiences, Dude who is a high school math teacher and has a couple of advanced degrees in math fields remarked to me that he found most humanities/ social science majors, including English and Political Science—my undergrad majors—“illegitimate.” Now given that all of my degrees are in humanities fields, I was majorly incensed.

And although I’m used to –and normally unphased by– these inanely conceived verbal jousting matches that dudes engage highly educated women in in order to see if we are really as smart as our degrees seem to indicate, this time I was pissed.

It’s college administrators and other knuckleheads who think like him that make my job so hard in the first place. Thinking like this explains, partially anyway, why my students can’t write for shit and why my salary is a comically paltry percentage of the amount of student loans I owe.

When I questioned his logic, he got defensive. When I further exposed the flaws in his arguments (skills courtesy of my humanities education), he explained that he would not “back down,” or “give in” even though he could admit that his opinion “wasn’t well thought out,” because he knew that this is what I was used to men doing…”backing down to stroke my ego.” Projection, anyone?

What I’m actually used to men doing is attacking me once they start intellectual fights they can’t finish. I’m used to men putting me in the friend zone because they find my smarts intriguing but not sexy. I’m used to men straight up belittling and insulting me—calling me stupid, unattractive, or using “feminist” like an expletive—in order to get the upper hand when they feel intellectually outmatched. 

Yep. So I went off. Reiterated the illogic of his arguments. Told him my feelings were hurt. Explained that it is important to me that folks who are close to me value what I do, as it is a part of who I am.

His reply: “well, I think it’s cool that you’re a teacher. And people should teach subjects they are passionate about.” Subjects that he doesn’t respect, mind you. “I don’t just teach; I also conduct research and write books and articles” I told him, trying to get him to understand that his remark was patronizing at best. 

What did I say “just” for?

To that came his snarky reply, “I don’t just teach either, and just because I don’t have three little letters behind my name, doesn’t make what I do any less valuable.”

I’ll spare you the sordid details; let’s just say it’s was already a thin line and he crossed it.

But the situation reminded me of all the ways that patriarchy conspires against our ability to build loving connections with men.

• Patriarchy makes men competitive. It makes them see women with more education as competition rather than as folks who would make good partners.  
• Patriarchy conditions men to use emotional extortion and passive aggressive behaviors –saying hurtful things and then claiming them as innocuous opinions; shutting down after deliberately saying something provocative and offensive and then accusing the woman of picking fights or being emotional; demanding your silence in the face of offensive behaviors in exchange for love and affection–as a way to gain control over women who intimidate them.
•  Patriarchy makes straight men feel justified in domesticating smart women. In the case of Black men, with whom I’m most familiar, they largely measure success by their ability to create traditional families. By contrast, many accomplished  straight Black women have become that way largely by jettisoning their investment in traditional gender roles. I get it at an historical level. The Civil Rights Movement for Black men was as much about manhood as about race. Black men wanted to be able to perform the traditional roles that they’d seen white men performing for their families. And they built concepts of masculinity around such outcomes.  Black men want women who are impressed and content if they stay, provide, and lead.  For Black women, there were different outcomes, courtesy of Civil Rights and Black feminism. These sisters imagine men who champion their careers and are willing to actively co-parent– men who partner, support, and communicate.  
• Male privilege allows Black men not to interrogate these relational preferences, but rather to see them as natural and innate. Hence, they never have to explain why it feels emotionally safer and more comfortable to them to date, conquer, and domesticate a high-achieving sister.  Black women have not had such luxuries. Many of us have had to relinquish our supposed natural desires for a traditional hetero-patriarchal set-up and entertain/embrace other possibilities for partnership. But if dudes can’t or won’t get on board with that, then largely we are shit out of luck. And the reality is that most Black men don’t have to get on board with it; with 70% of highly educated Black women having never been married, our choice not to submit to traditional expectations will not cost Black men anything in the way of finding a partner.

And perhaps it was that realization, that Dude could just pick up and move on to the next one, in a way that my lack of options has not thus far seemed to allow, that made me stay when I knew—and when many of you told me months ago—to go. But perpetual romantic droughts can make one’s principles—“You’re the best thing I never had; there’s a good in goodbye (I never have the Beyonce “sucks to be u” moment, y’all!!! Will I never be vindicated?); etc, etc” seem like the most unconsoling of consolation prizes.

Single PhD women by Dimi Vladikov Abstract This article explores the phenomenon of single PhD women in China, combining focus groups of different universities in Shanghai and Beijing, questionnaire survey and interviews with PhD teachers and candidates, without serious relationships in the moment. It gives a brief global view of the factors, which may contributes to the difficulties smart PhD women to have a harmonic relationships and provides several practical advices how these difficulties can be overcomed. The writer is open for further discussion on the topic and also refers to his previous articles namely: a) house wives in China and b) strong women - weak men. Intro In China there's a saying: 共有三种性别：男人女人和女博士 (there are three types of gender: men, women and PhD women). It sounds strange and I didn't get the meaning the first time when I hear it. Then I went in SJTU and I found that there is a WeChat group of single PhD women, who are working in the university. Women, who are looking for men (husband, life-time partner, spouse, and serious boyfriend, whatever...) Then I remembered the sentence and it was obvious that it is not a single case, nor a single university. There are number of single PhD women in their 30s and 40s and I was curious to figure out why these physically active, smart, working women are classified as 剩女 (left-over women). So I made a research in Shanghai and Beijing - the biggest and best Chinese cities and also those with high-ranking reputable universities. Most of my focus groups were from Shanghai Jiaotong University, Beijing University and both foreign language universities in the Chinese capital. Life examples Last semester, at about once a week, I was observing a typical example of that "single PhD woman". For the purpose of the present article let's give her a fake name Ebony. So Ebony is in the upper part of her 30s, she is recently appointed to be a PhD lecturer in famous Shanghainese university and she is riding electric bike, eating instant noodles from the local "Family mart" and living in a dormitory room in Xuhui campus without kitchen, TV and fridge. Being a PhD was her sole chance to escape from the small town in her small province deep in China, she took it and here she is - in the Magic city of Shanghai, surrounded by handsome and smart men in different age, ethnic, skin, culture and personalities. She decided to design a course, named "Interpersonal communications". The Program director of the PhD and Master courses in the school knows that they are in shortage of foreign professors and everything including the abbreviation "intercultural" or "interpersonal" is well accepted. That director (let's name her Kiki) is also a PhD lecturer woman, but she is married to a meek and obedient husband and even a single conversation with the members of that family gives you an unbreakable image who is in charge of the family business. She gives our Ebony permission to put the course in the program and voila - we have another mandatory/compulsory course in the PhD/Master program with 2-3 extra credits to students. Nobody is asking a reasonable question: how come a person without a successful romantic relationship in her private life is entitled to teach a course of interpersonal communication? To make the whole story more and more absurd let's pretend that in the class there are students with more than 200 bf/gf relationships or those who are already published books on personal communication in their countries. You can imagine our poor Ebony PhD lecturer won't feel very comfortable in the class room, right? No wonder why next semester Kiki took that course due to poor performance and students complains of Ebony. Once a student asked her a question: what are you going to do if you have a lot of money? (or) What will make you feel happy? Her answer was: "if I have a lot of money, I would hire world- wide famous professors to teach me how to write good articles and then I will have lot of publications". That's the ultimate goal of her life - to have lot of publications in SSCI journals. I don't know about you, but I felt sad when I heard it. That is a dream of a girl without personal life; she has nothing, but her desire to be quoted. It also shows a lack of self-esteem, she needed to be taught how to write interesting articles. When you are in your teen age, it is OK, it is normal to need some leader or authority to show you how to write. When you are teen age + 20 years behind your back.... it's just sad! I wanted to ask her if she is around age of 40 and she still needs someone to teach her how to write, isn't it a clear sign that writing is not her power? Maybe she needs someone (a man or a woman) to show her the happiness of life, out of the academic books and boring articles. But I asked myself instead - what else she has except writing? And I couldn't find an answer. Another example from my university life: yet another PhD single woman, who is teaching a course with name "Creative (academic) writing". Ironically she is one of the best friends of our Ebony. This PhD lady, let's give her a name Dr. Woo, said that "writing is a difficult thing, writing is a struggle". I don't believe her. I believe in William Faulkner, who wrote once: "Writing is a funny thing. Read, read, and read. Read everything - trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the master. Read! You'll absorb it. Then write. If it's good, you'll find out. If it's not, throw it out of the window.' Faulkner won a Nobel Prize. Another Literature Nobel prize winner Ernest Hemingway also wrote similar quotes about writing. On the contrary Dr. Woo stated that writing is difficult in her open lesson. Sorry, Dr. Woo, but I believe in those old men, not in your saying. Probably you meant writing is difficult to you. I can agree with that! Just say it. If writing is difficult to you, what are you doing in the teaching position of creative writing? Where are the real writers, who have published novels, story books, hundreds of articles and travel notes? Factors I distracted my attention in writing, but the focus of the present article are PhD women and what are the factors a big number of them to be single. According to a Canadian professor, who works in China, the main reason why so many of his PhD female colleagues are facing difficulties in finding a man, is the weakness of Chinese male population. (WeChat conference call, April 2020) In Chinese tradition men are looking for submissive and obedient wife while PhD women are (generally) independent and focused on their scientific researches. These researches and interests aren't the sexiest thing for men, so at some point PhD women are in the situation to choose a man or continuing research. They have already lose half a decade of years in the research, so they chose to continue their academic career. Do you remember our PhD program director from the previous page Kiki. I mentioned she has a husband and kids, but I didn't mention that her husband works in the same university as her and he is on lower position than her. So technically she has superior position in the institution and she makes more money than him. She even looks physically stronger than him. Don't get me wrong - she looks beautiful and nice, just the man is so soft and sissy. What a perfect example for a strong woman - weak man family. If you are interested in that research, you can also read my article here (Something's wrong with the world today). Another factor that influences personal life of PhD women is the stress of career development. It is not limited only to women who are working in Academia, but also to all successful business ladies. If you want to obtain PhD degree, you need to study 4 years (minimum), then you need to publish at least 2 articles in SSCI journals and work in a college or faculty. During this time period, if you are lucky to find Mr. Right, you can get married. Congratulations! In case you aren't so much lucky, you may date number of men and hope you don't be blame as a slut or easy woman. Men are privileged in the same situation. If a man is dating 10 different girls, he is a player, if a girl is doing the same - she is a shameless bitch. Bottom line - if a PhD female candidate is dating many men, it is not good for her reputation. In fact she has not that much time to meet many men, because her evenings and nights will be busy with reading and writing articles and books on her science research. Then we have to keep in mind the social environment. Iam writing this article from Shanghai and this city, although commonly presented as "the business card" of China, is a Chinese city and carrier of Chinese culture. What the Chinese culture says about relationships - starting from Confucius and other ancient philosophers, a man should be The Man - the person, who is making the money and provides security in the house. The woman traditionally is keeping the house clean, takes care of the kids and food. Not impossible but quite unlikely for many of the PhD women. If we refer to Kiki's case here, she's the one who's making more money and I know a number of men who won't be happy of that fact. I am not among them. Actually I have another article about Chinese tai-tai. here Let's get back to the main topic. Recently I heard a story about PhD woman and old lady. The older woman was a mother-in-law in Shanghai and she was living together with the younger wife and husband. Once the wife invited her friend (PhD) and they had an afternoon coffee/tea in the house. When the guest left, the older woman asked: "She looks so beautiful, smart, confident, why she isn't pick up yet?" Then the wife had to put lot of efforts to convince the older woman that it is a matter of the PhD woman to pick up her man, not to wait being picked up. I think it is a good example of the difference in Chinese perception of the PhD women and generally perception of the position of women in modern society, the rights of choice and human rights. Where are the men? Now you may be surprised, but I am about to say that PhD women our days have less and less chances to see the perfect (or at least acceptable) man. I started this article with the statement that they are surrounded by men in their daily lives, but let's see what type of men there are around. Students - PhD, master, bachelor or undergraduate students, both domestic and international. Currently the management of university does not allow personal relationships between faculty members and students, regardless of gender. That rule applies to all universities where I made my research. So this group of men isn’t interesting for single PhD women. Colleagues - I have professional experience in 3 universities and 2 colleges. In all of these academic institutions the proportion between men-women was approximately 1:2, sometimes 1:3. Simply said in a room with 10 teachers, 7 of them would be women. Men teachers can be married, in a serious relationship or they don't want a relationship. All these factors make the pipe line even thinner. Even if they are single, divorced or ready for relationship, there is a big opportunity those few men not to be your desired type. (My next article will be "What do women want to see in men"). Management or administration staff - the borders here are faded, but to be honest I do not know a PhD woman who has a relationship with somebody from the university administration or some of her bosses. I know a woman, who is a mistress of one of the deans, but in that case a lover would never mean a wife. (He was married) So students are forbidden, male colleagues are limited, taken, unattractive or unavailable and management is not a serious variant. Where are the men then? What are the options for Dr. Ebony, Dr. Woo and thousands of other PhD women? I know some PhD teachers who don't mind dating younger guys out of academic places. One of my Beijing friends is a tall PhD lecturer so she faces some difficulties to find a Chinese boyfriend. So she was dating a 15-years younger Croatian boy. I can give the word to one of these PhD ladies: "There are some married PhD women, but this problem appears to be a phenomenon in academic or personal life. It is more a kind of personal character(istics) than general situation. Anyway it's true that PhD women face difficulties in meeting a spouse". (WeChat conference, Dr. Shen Yue, 2020) Solutions If we accept that it is a problem, then we can find at least several options how we can solve it. As a pre-condition we should think out of the box. Other teachers and colleagues are not the only men who can be seen in or around the campus. Universities are always surrounded with coffee shops, restaurants and night bars. These are exactly the places where you can meet new people. Noisy companies, drinks and music are also factors, which can help you losing your prejudices. Take your best friend(s) and have a pleasant Friday evening in downtown. Libraries won't run away, I promise you that! Dating sites and APPs are another option. Most of men there are looking for fun, but you can put some frames, so you can filter unnecessary contacts there. My favorite place for meeting new people is in the gym. Well, that's a place where you can meet people with common interests. That makes you part of a bigger community. Recently the gyms are far from crowded, so they are wonderful places to meet new friends and possibly a soul mate. Inside tip - PhD girls are always welcomed by fitness maniacs. Trust me, it works! Conclusions: PhD women in China are strong, smart and determined ladies, who prefer to follow their academic researches, instead of losing their time with unstable relationships. This is their choice and they can easily predict the consequences of their choice, including the possibility of stayng without a man in life or being marked as spinsters. Old generations in China can't or don't want to accept that choice. Old generations are part of this problem with their lack of tolerance. If we really accept that single PhD female degree holders have problem with finding a man, we can also say it is a fixable problem. It is all about choices and how much compromises are you ready to make. If sitting alone Friday night in your room with academic papers to read and write makes you happy, then nobody can tell you that it is not the only way to spend the beginning of the weekend. So let's Kiki, Ebony, Lida, Woo and all others follow their hearts and rise our glasses for all PhD women around the world! Shanghai, 2020 

Graduate Student Advice Month

http://www.phdcomics.com/

Last year at a conference I was talking to one of my mentors about how it felt to be in the final year of a PhD. She asked me if I was in a relationship with anyone, and I said I wasn’t. Her reply summed it up:

“That’s probably for the best.”

Relationships are incompatible with PhDs, seems to be the conclusion. A recent BuzzFeed article really hit home with lots of my PhD friends – ‘24 Struggles You’ll Only Understand If You’re Dating A PhD Student’ – it covers a lot of the issues PhD students in couples have. Put most simply, being the partner of a PhD student largely means accepting that the Thesis is the biggest part of both of your lives, and is a far bigger player in how your relationship goes than either of you are.

But how does that translate to dating? There are a lot of advice-to-students articles about how to maintain relationships, but how does that translate for the single Grad student? To address this, I thought I would offer my own, painful insight, by making suggestions for what an academic’s honest dating profile might look like.

My Self-Summary

I’m a PhD student in London, researching women in the boardroom.

What I’m doing with my life…

I’m in the last 6 months of my PhD, so I spend most of my time re-reading sections of my thesis that I have already re-written many times over, and drinking too much coffee, and getting angry with people who get between me and the coffee. Rest of the time spent hopping from one existential crisis to another, oscillating wildly between a range of contradictory emotions and over-thinking.

I’m really good at…

Adding ‘hyper’ and ‘meta’ to words to make them seem more interesting . Living on almost no money. Eating cold leftovers for a week without anyone noticing.  Killing plants. Writing abstracts. Rewriting abstracts. Missing deadlines. Deconstructing the patriarchy.

The first things people usually notice about me…

General disarray and scattiness. Possibly the look of madness in the eye while I try to hold a number of theories in my head and analyse my data and finish this marking and reply to my students’ requests and apply for more funding. Sorry, what was the question again?

[Nothing says ‘date me’ like academia exhaustion, amirite?]

Favourite books, movies, shows, music and food…

Books : Critical Discourse Analysis, Conducting Qualitative Research, Analysing Qualitative Data (8^th ed.). Anything by Erving Goffman, Michel Foucault, Judith Butler or Pierre Bourdieu. Mainly I am good at buying theory books I wont have time to read, and stacking them around me on my desk to make myself feel like I’m working.

I gave up fiction in about 2008 when I got accepted into my Master’s program. Except Harry Potter, which I find is a good cure for academic insomnia.

Music – Classical, ambient, or generally anything that doesn’t have words to it, so I can listen to it while I work.

Food – I am a whizz at making a week’s worth of library-food on little to no money. The most exciting days are when conferences take place in our building and there’s free sandwiches. [Once, someone brought in a box of Krispy Kremes and there was nearly a riot.]

The six things I could never do without…

1) Mobile office – [laptop, keyboard, mouse, notebook, highlighter pens (2), dictaphone, book on Discourse Analysis, journal article on sense-making] Just in case I get caught out somewhere away from work and have to fill time: tube; train; hospital waiting room; pub the 10 minutes before the date starts.
2) Coffee
3) Coffee
4) My supervisor’s approval
5) Coffee
6) Friends/family/lovers etc.

I spend a lot of time thinking about…

Myself. My work. My insecurities. Long words that other people don’t understand, that give me an inflated sense of self-importance. Wondering if it self-indulgent to do a PhD? Is it self-involved? I think I’m pretty self-involved anyway. Maybe the PhD has made me self-involved? Was I self-involved before I started? I’m not really self-involved, just obsessed with the thesis. But is there a difference between myself and the PhD? Where does it end and I begin?

What I’m going to do when I finish the PhD. I should plan that now, if I don’t have publications I will probably never get a job. And then I really will be alone forever. My thesis is great though, I’m so excited, it’s such a privilege to do research in an area I love. Except I am a complete failure, I am definitely going to be alone forever, and definitely not going to have a career in academia. Maybe I could get out of academia? What IS outside academia?

On a typical Friday night I am…

Trying to disguise the fact that all I can think is:

“You should be writing.
You should be writing.
You should be writing.
You should be writing.
You should be writing.”

…while I try to socialise. Becoming increasingly aware that every minute spent with my friends or a dating partner is paid for in time that should be spent working.

Saying the word ‘problematise’ and realising people are looking at me strangely.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit…

I have no idea how I got this far without everyone realising I’m a fraud.

You should message me if…

You want to go for a drink and talk about my thesis. Although I definitely don’t want to talk about my thesis. Which is awkward, because I can only think about my thesis.

Also, if we’re on a date and I run away half way through it’s probably because I’ve just worked out what theoretical framework to use to make sense of my third empirical chapter, rather than because you aren’t great. Probably.

Last Updated on: 10th February 2022, 11:55 am

Are you dating a PhD student, or married to one? Watching your spouse go through the PhD process can be confusing at best and downright terrible at worst. Your partner may have to be away for hours (or days) at a time. And even when they are home, they have to work on the computer deep into the night, at your children’s dance recitals, and just about anywhere else imagine. 

I’ve been through the PhD process and supported my wife as she began a PhD program and later, as she returned to get a second Master’s degree. I’ve also been through the PhD process myself. So I know both what dating a PhD student (or being married to one) and being a PhD student is like. I’ve also consulted for countless clients, and found many of them have the same problems–and solutions.

Keeping that experience in mind, here are a few things to remember about dating a PhD student. 

7 Things to Remember for Dating a PhD Student 

1. This is a marathon and not a sprint

If you’ve been through college but not grad school, you might remember the time when you pulled an all-nighter in college and did just enough to pass a class that you were way behind in. 

It’s important to remember that graduate school works differently–your partner probably doesn’t have the option of doing things halfway.

Where an undergraduate student could get by skimming the readings, grad students are expected to read everything and make intelligent comments about what they have read. Multiple choice tests are not part of the curriculum. That is to say, even “barely passing” still requires an extraordinary amount of work. 

Thus, your partner will need to put in many hours of work each week, consistently, in order to achieve his or her goal. Mentally prepare yourself for this, and you’ll be less likely to take it personally when your partner doesn’t have time for you. You’ll be a better support to them, and you’ll save yourself the suffering of feeling rejected.

This is a long grind and it will take time and lots of dedication, but they will cross the finish line. 

2. Your partner will change during the process

Anything that you do for many hours a week for 3 to 8 years is bound to change you. And grad school is designed to do just that. Your partner will look at the world differently when she or he finishes. 

You will probably have changed over time as well. Learn to appreciate the new way of looking at the world. Dating a PhD student can be a bit like going through the PhD program vicariously–you too will be immersed in their topic as they describe the challenges they face and the revelations they have.

 If you can think of this as a journey that you are on together, it can be a fun process of learning and discovery. That said…

3. There actually is an end

You may think that your partner will never finish the #%&$*@ program. It just seems that way. Every day he/she gets a little closer. Sometimes it may not seem like the end will come but when it does you will have new adventures in front of you and an appreciative partner. Your support, in whatever way you can give it, will make the end of the journey arrive faster (or at least feel like it).

4. The people that your partner is dealing with may seem unreasonable

There may be times when your partner talks about a particular professor in less than glowing terms. Comments like “I already did this!” or “Didn’t he see that?” are mild examples of what might be said. 

Rest assured that you do not need to jump in and defend your partner’s honor. You may think that the request is ridiculous (perhaps a nuance of APA punctuation) but it’s usually been made for a reason. 

Even if the professor is truly being unreasonable, there is no need to defend your partner in these situations. Doing so will usually just make the situation worse. Instead, move on to number 5.

5. Just listen

Many times, all your partner may need is someone to listen to them. They may just need to vent a little without needing you to fix things. 

Understand that there are times when your partner just needs someone to listen and not solve the problem. Being able to listen is a skill that serves all of us well. If your partner is working towards a doctorate, they can solve problems themselves–they just need a friend.

6. You may have to do some things alone

Your partner is very, very busy. You are probably aware of that already. You have a choice to sit and wait for him or her to finish or you can do some things on your own. Maybe you have always wanted to learn to play the guitar, or explore the local waterways by kayak. Perhaps there is a local group looking for mentors or other opportunities to volunteer.

The point is, there are many constructive things that you can do while your partner is doing school work. It will take the added pressure off of them if they know that you can enjoy yourself on your own and aren’t dependent on them for your happiness. Think of it as a free pass to get better acquainted with yourself and try new things.

7. Anything that you can do to lighten the load is appreciated

Perhaps your partner is working, going to school, and in a relationship with you all at the same time (and maybe you even have kids!). Even balancing school and a relationship may be overwhelming if you factor getting at least one good night’s sleep a week into the equation.

There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Anything that you can do will be very helpful and show how compassionate and supportive you are. Do the laundry, cook dinner, and you’ll earn your place as the supportive partner of your spouse’s dreams. 

Final Thoughts on Dating a PhD Student

If your partner is in a doctoral program your life will change. If you can understand what she or he is going through and try to help, your life will be much easier and your partner will really appreciate everything that you do. And, while you are being supportive, take the chance to grow yourself.

Put yourself in these shoes: You are an overly-educated (Ph.D.) woman with creative and intellectual ambitions....voracious bookworm, writer, lover of ideas. Can you be happy in a romantic relationship with a nonintellectual man? He IS smart, but not a brainiac....and has every other quality you would want in a man....kind, generous, funny, hard-working, full of character. Responses from men and women, based on opinion and/or experience, are all welcome.
posted by smokingloon to Human Relations (66 answers total) 56 users marked this as a favorite

From the Inside Flap

Excerpt
Dating is harder for Christian men. You might think it's because of sexual purity issues, but it's not just that. The whole courtship process is more complicated. Questions about morality, theology, worship, intimacy, and God's will get involved. Relationships are hard enough for men that don't care about this kind of stuff. Dating is twice as complicated for Christians. Also, non-Christian guys don't care as much about a woman's relationship with God. Seeking a Christian girlfriend shrinks the field of available women. Most of the women you meet won't share your faith. Finding a perfect match is tough enough, but the odds are even worse when you expect her to have a relationship with Christ. This results in a sense of urgency when a Christian man meets a woman he'd like to ask out. He meets a woman who defies the odds and panics. He finds the equivalent of a winning lottery ticket but doesn't know how to cash it in. Despite the odds against you, dating can become easier. Notice I said easier, not easy. Yes, there are couples for whom everything comes naturally. They have perfect communication, they're happy all the time, and they knew they were destined to be with each other from the instant they met. These are the couples that make the rest of us nauseous, and they're happy exceptions. Most of the time, dating requires hard work.

From the Back Cover

Women Are Attracted to Men, Not Guys

Will the real men please stand up?

It's the battle cry of Steve Simpson's hilarious and disarming What Women Wish You Knew about Dating, with man-to-man advice on everything single Christian guys need to know about dating: meeting her, asking her out, and leading the relationship.

But first, you've got to be a man, not just another guy.

"A man approaches dating differently," writes Simpson. "He has confidence and passion. He's a risk-taker but not a foolish, reckless boy. He doesn't play games and he doesn't hide his agenda. And, though he respects women immensely, he doesn't worship or fear them."

Once you're in a relationship, there's a lot to learn and do. Simpson dissects common problems and shows men how to maintain healthy, holy relationships, heal deep wounds, and keep God first, girlfriend or not.

It's everything women wish we knew, and men need to master.

Stephen Simpson (PhD, Fuller Seminary), a psychologist in private practice and a professor, is the coauthor of What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex and author of Assaulted by Joy.

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