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Being Black and Muslim in America isn’t easy. Whenever I meet someone new, curious about my racially ambiguous features dressed in modest Islamic clothing, including the hijab, they usually ask where are you from? I say Massachusetts. And then they say no, where are you from from? And I answer, I’m American, Black and Latina, and Muslim. Then they say, oh, when did you convert? I reply, I didn’t. I was born and raised Muslim. Sometimes they leave it alone, but oftentimes they keep prodding me, trying to conceive my existence, given that most Muslims inherit their Islamic identity from countries like Somalia, Pakistan or Egypt. People forget about the existence of the Black American Muslims, like Malcom X, who inspired my grandmother to convert to Islam decades ago.

Because I represent two very marginalized groups, Black Americans and Muslim Americans, black american muslim dating sites, I must prepare myself to experience the burn of racism in pretty much anything I do. For example, the summer before law school when I started wearing hijab in the suburbs of Dallas, I should have been prepared to face rejection after rejection for the entry-level retail positions I interviewed for. Similarly, when I went apartment hunting in the very white suburbs of Boston, I should have known that the old Irish landlord would give me the once-over and spit out, I don’t accept Section 8. And yet, these were mild bouts of prejudice and racism compared to the difficulties I would later encounter in a more personal aspect of my life: dating while Black and Muslim. 

I was twenty-four when I actively began to search for marriage potentials. I had just graduated from law school and started meetme dating young girls? in downtown Boston. Because Islam has strict rules about how one interacts with the opposite gender, places to meet single Muslims are few and far between. I figured the best place to start was the mosque. So, over the next year, I became a regular congregant, making new friends while volunteering or attending classes to increase my Islamic knowledge and deepen my spiritual practice. As I got more familiar with the community, I started asking my new friends to help me find a Muslim bachelor that was around my age (mid to late twenties), educated, and religious. I thought it would be easy. The city was brimming with graduates from MIT or Harvard who would often pass through the mosque to at least attend Friday prayer. Surley, one of those guys had to be a good fit. 

Because Islam has strict rules about how one interacts with the opposite gender, places to meet single Muslims are few and far between. I figured the best place to start was the mosque.

Then, in the summer of 2017, I met this guy named M. We were introduced one night, after taraweeh, the late night prayers held during Ramadan, by a mutual friend who offered us both a ride home. Over the course of the car ride, we did the usual back and forth introductory chatter. I was drawn to him. He was charming, with this huge, wide-toothed grin, black american muslim dating sites clean shaved head, and a 5 o’clock shadow. I learned that he was thirty, originally from Lebanon, but had been living in the U.S for the last ten years for school and then work. He was smart– a computer analyst turned entrepreneur, with a quick tongue, and a bold sense of humor. As soon as he found out I was a newly minted lawyer, he was all about the compliments, asking for my business card and promising to send me clients, friends of his needing help with immigration issues. However, when we pulled up to my apartment, no other contact info was exchanged. So my only hope was to bump into him again at the mosque. 

And bump into him I did. Just like when I studied Roman architecture black american muslim dating sites college and began noticing Roman influence everywhere, I grew accustomed to picking him out in a sea of people. I wanted to know more about him. I needed to know about his past, his family, and his religious practice to determine if this was someone worthy of entering into marriage talks with. So I used my channels of information (my friends, his friends, the imam) to gather intel and more importantly find out if he was talking to anyone (the code word for dating with the black american muslim dating sites of marrying). When the reliable sources came back to me saying there was no one, I bravely admitted I was interested, and asked if they thought we would make a good match (fulfilling the concept of taking shura). Much to my dismay, they all said I shouldn’t bother because he was only looking to marry an Arab girl. In fact, one of the sources actually laughed in my face when I said I was interested in him. She told me he would never seriously consider me for marriage. 

Just like when I studied Roman architecture in free local dating without payment and began noticing Roman influence everywhere, I grew accustomed to picking him out in a sea of people. I wanted to know more about him.

Yet, because I’m stubborn and very seldomly take no for an answer,  I spent the next few months trying to get him to realize I mattered. He, of course, black american muslim dating sites, loved the attention (as players usually do), and sent me mixed signals as we worked together on various projects at the mosque. Finally, black american muslim dating sites, news broke in late December that he was engaged to an American Lebanese girl. Black american muslim dating sites never even had a chance. 

Sadly, that encounter wasn’t my only hint that my race and ethnicity was a barrier to marriage within the Muslim community. I had a few married friends whose husbands had a fair amount of single friends that fit my bare bones requirements (similar age, educated, and religious). Although I was open with them about my search, they never brought me any potential suitors. I later discovered they mostly knew American born, South Asian and Arab bachelors who only wanted to marry someone that shared their culture. This would happen again and again when I worked with professional Muslim matchmakers who would black american muslim dating sites ever give me a few options because most of their clientel weren’t open to marrying outside their ethnic group. 

Within such an ethnically diverse community I was completely shocked by how strong the stench of ethnocentrism and racism (though it’s always implicit) pervades such delicate matters like love and marriage. I should have known though. Our ummah in the U.S has a reputation for being segregated. In my hometown in Dallas, my family would masjid hop during Ramadan between the Sudani masjid, the Pakistani masjid, black american muslim dating sites then the Arab masjid. All were beautiful representations of Islamic tradition, but all very insular, and not always the most welcoming to outsiders. Even going to Islamic conventions with thousands of Muslims, I find that there is an overwhelming majority of one ethnic group (usually South Asian or Arab). 

At first glance it seems like a harmless occurrence. We form groups as coping mechanisms in an Anglo-Saxon land where traditions can easily get lost in a sea of whiteness. However, these ethnic enclaves aren’t simply tools to build institutions and grow social capital, they are symbolic of cultures that have historically always been haunted by phantoms of racism, black american muslim dating sites, colorism and tribalism. Now, black american muslim dating sites, especially when we live in the time of the infamous marriage crisis where religious leaders are constantly fielding questions from young people and their parents about how to find/marry good Muslims, we as a community must be more cognizant of shunning the phantom isms. 

After the announcement of M’s engagement, I was in a funk for months. Although it’s possible M could have rejected me on another basis–my looks or my tell-it-like-it-is personality– that encounter left me with a sense of foreboding of the cultural rejections to come. I felt like all the warning signs on my road to seeking marriage were screaming DO NOT ENTER and NO BLACKS ALLOWED. It led me to spiral a bit, torturing myself with self-hating thoughts like if only I had been born with lighter skin or to Arab or Desi parents I’d have more options, I’d be married by now. These feelings led me to a deeper shame in realizing I was being ungrateful for the blessings God had bestowed upon me. 

Now, especially when we live in the time of the infamous marriage crisis where religious leaders are constantly fielding questions from young people and their parents about how to find/marry good Muslims, we as a community must be more cognizant of shunning the phantom isms. 

Then in January, I went black american muslim dating sites Umrah. During the pilgrimage, I found myself surrounded by thousands and thousands of worshippers from across the world, black american muslim dating sites. In the moments when I wasn’t in prayer, I sat alone with my tasbeeh, making dua, and reflecting on the enormity of the Divine. In Medina, under the sci-fi like enormous, mechanical umbrellas that guard against the glaring desert sun, I would sit in the harem of the Prophet’s Mosque and people-watch. I was captivated by the various colors and styles of the women in hijab. All around me there were pools of pink,  blue, green, and white hijabs with matching djellaba, abaya, or niqab. The variety of styles represented the multitude of countries, skin colors and languages that made up the diverse group of pilgrams that gathered to walk in the footsteps of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him). Witnessing how everyone stood together in prayer, or packed into small spaces to pay homage to sacred places with no regard to national origin, ancestry, or skin pigment, I was reminded of the verse, “O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, black american muslim dating sites, the black american muslim dating sites noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted [ 49:13].”

After two weeks on that blessed journey, I returned home with a newfound sense of peace. Recognizing the beauty of that verse, and having lived it while in that holy place, I came to realize that the man I was destined to be with was someone who really practiced the words of our Creator. He would be someone who understood that biases and prejudices from cultural traditions, should not play a part in dictating marriage partners. Anyone who embraces black american muslim dating sites Islamic principles wouldn’t write me off because of our differences, black american muslim dating sites would love me in spite of them. 

I hope and pray that our community comes to realize the danger of perpetuating the isms and instead acts to serve as a beacon of inclusivity and acceptance.

Nailah Dean lives in San Francisco. She’s a member of the SF Writers Workshop and recipient of a 2019 Martha’s Vineyard Institute of Creative Writing Fellowship. Nailah has had her short story about faith and career published in an anthology, One Nation, Indivisible, and serves as a contributor to various columns on Medium. Her current project is a memoir about the Muslim dating world. 

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“You wanna see what kind of Muslim you really are? Watch what happens when Allah tests you, and Allah will test us with different things. For some people, when they’re looking to get married, they’re being tested.”

Baba Ali speaks about marriage with the passion of an imam, black american muslim dating sites, but the humor of a stand-up comedian. He’s the founder of Los Angeles-based Half Our Deen—a private matrimony website for Muslims—which he established in 2011 after witnessing how young Muslims were struggling to find compatible spouses.

Baba Ali rose to prominence in 2008 as one of YouTube’s biggest Muslim how soon after dating should you have sex bloggers. A stand-up comedy world tour followed, and Ali said he was approached for marriage advice after every show.

“Doing 400 shows all around the world, Muslim brothers and sisters would come up to me after the shows and want to talk about marriage. And I realized that this is still an issue the Muslim community hasn’t fixed. We don’t address it; there’s no Muslim matrimonial service at masjids [mosques]. We have Islamic school, we have Quran study, we have tajwid [learning proper pronunciation of Quranic words]. But we have nothing for single people looking to get married. Good luck.”

Baba Ali is not alone. Imam Ahmad Deeb, the Director of Religious Affairs at the Islamic Centre of Greater Toledo in Ohio, echoes a similar sentiment on what he sees as the crisis of marriage in Muslim communities and mosques’ inability to address it, black american muslim dating sites. He said to me, “Literally almost every single week someone is asking me ‘Imam, can you help me get married?’ Many of those young men and women are very accomplished. They’re successful, black american muslim dating sites, they’re religiously committed, but they’re struggling to find someone and get married.”

As Imam Deeb sees it, mosques are scrambling to find innovative ways to address the needs of their young congregants—who came of age in the Internet Era—to find suitable spouses as many of the older, more traditional avenues are being free chat dating apps, we’ve stigmatized tried and tested methods,” Imam Deeb black american muslim dating sites. “People joke about the rishta [matchmaking] aunty. I’m not South Asian but I know that term because it’s so popular. As a Syrian we have something similar. Your mom goes to other aunties and searches for the best spouse for you. Ideally your mom really knows you and knows exactly what you want. Now, we make fun of these rishta aunties. We’ve gotten to the point now where we are unable to get creative…to help people get married.”

Yasmeena Menon is one such rishta aunty. Based in Toronto, she is the founder of the matchmaking site Muslim Matrimonial, which she runs with her husband. When she immigrated to Canada from India, Yasmeena found employment in the financial sector. But after establishing roots and building trust within Canada’s South Asian Muslim community, she decided to exit the corporate world and set up her own Muslim matchmaking venture. Initially she only took on a handful of clients. But as word spread and her matchmaking business grew, Yasmeena expanded her services across social media platforms, YouTube, and messaging apps where her clients could post profiles for themselves or their adult children.

Over time, her clients wanted more personalized attention to black american muslim dating sites them secure a spouse, which pushed Yasmeena to hire and train “marriage consultants.” Today, Yasmeena employs 40 marriage consultants who work one-on-one with their clients to find the best matches possible from Muslim Matrimonial’s pool of nearly 5,000 users.

(Source: Muslim Matchmaking by Veil)

One reason why young Muslims and their parents may be more drawn to services like Muslim Matrimonial is because they feel their local mosques have not prioritized helping Muslims meet compatible companions. According to the Institute for Social Policy and Understanding, less than 30 percent of all adult mosque attendees in the U.S. are between the ages of 18 to 34, even though they make up 54 percent of the adult Muslim population. In Canada, less than half (48 percent) of the Muslim population attends mosque at least once a week, and only 22 percent report doing so for socializing and education purposes.

“The majority of young Muslims who want to get married are not coming into the mosque,” Imam Deeb explains. “It could be for multiple reasons: they’re not connecting with the leadership; most mosques’ organizational structures are extremely dysfunctional; the priorities of mosques are incredibly sporadic, chaotic, unstructured, and many times not even rooted in Muslim priorities. For example, according to Islam, helping people get married is what we call a fard kifayah, meaning communal obligation.”

Imam Deeb makes a distinction between immigrant Muslim mosques and Black Muslim mosques. He says Black American mosques are generally led by the imams, who decide the mosques’ priorities and lead with a team around them. In predominantly black american muslim dating sites mosques, however, imams often serve as employees to lead prayers and give Friday sermons, so the mosque’s priorities are not shaped by an established religious leader.

Mosques’ priorities, Deeb says, “are informed by a board that is loosely democratically chosen, most of whom have no expertise in Free dating apps like tinder or leading Muslim institutions. Board members can be engineers and physicians—the people who built the mosque. The fact that mosques are not dealing with the issue of marriage manhunt dating site because they don’t recognize that it’s a communal obligation. Most mosques have no idea what to do. They are seeing a culture that is rapidly changing every few years. We have dating apps now, like Tinder, dating site for the unattractive is about getting sex quickly. This is what people who are on these apps are telling me.”

Dating apps like Tinder didn’t exist in 2001 when Baba Ali of Half Our Deen turned to the internet after his two-year marriage ended in divorce. He discovered that few online services catered to the diverse range of religious practices within Muslim communities, so he set out to build his own. Several failed attempts to launch a site ensued, and the website cycled through different versions before Ali settled on the name Half Our Deen. In Arabic, “deen” means religion, and the site takes its name from the Islamic principle that marriage fulfills 50 percent of one’s religious duties in life.

I asked Ali why someone would use Half Our Deen over more well-known sites and apps, such as Minder or Muzmatch—two dating apps targeted at tech-savvy single Free dating messenger download. “Dating apps are copied over from non-Muslim sites,” Ali says. “We just changed one letter and went from Tinder to Minder.”

(Source: Half Our Deen)

The perceived non-Muslim nature of these dating apps is why Majid—an Indian immigrant living in Vancouver, Canada—turned to Half Our Deen when he wanted to get married. “I had associated Muzmatch and Minder as the Muslim versions of Tinder,” Majid told me over email. “Apps inspired by something haram [forbidden in Islam] were not my cup of tea. These apps explicitly call themselves ‘dating’ apps whereas I was looking for something exclusive for marriage. I never installed any of these apps.”

Negative connotations associated with the word “dating” in Muslim circles is something familiar to Annisa Rochadiat, an assistant professor in the Department of Communication Studies at California State University, Stanislaus. Her research explores how Muslims—particularly Muslim women—use online dating and social media platforms for matchmaking purposes.

“When I launched my study of Muslim women’s use of dating sites, I encountered this difficulty because I didn’t realize how stigmatized the word ‘dating’ is,” Professor Rochadiat explains. “So when I was recruiting participants I didn’t really get any hits because recruiting people for using Muslim dating apps is almost like a contradiction, black american muslim dating sites. I had to scale back and reformulate my recruitment ad to say ‘Muslim matchmaking’ because I felt that was more neutral as it didn’t have that dating connotation.”

Rochadiat found that Muslim women often feel limited by traditional modes of seeking marriage—through the community, family, or the mosque—because of their communal nature where their marriage becomes many people’s concern. They felt a lack of privacy and agency over selecting their partners, and were more comfortable turning to online spaces where they could easily access “extractive information”— personal details on an individual—to filter out potential matches for themselves.

Services like Half Our Deen also allow users to self-report their level of religiosity and quantify their practices, including their observance of halal food restrictions and how often they pray. In offline settings this can be a lengthy process involving self-disclosure and back and forth conversations with a potential match.

“If you’re particularly observant of religious practices, you might have to get a third party involved because you have to do black american muslim dating sites in a public setting,” Professor Rochadiat elaborates. “That offers limitations too on the types of questions you can ask. The same goes for family meetings, so some information might be filtered out, which with online platforms is readily available. You can privately know more about an individual without any awkwardness. This is very new, something that technology provides for those seeking romantic relationships. Muslim women especially felt that technology allowed them to initiate contact without feeling brazen, which in an offline setting would feel unusual because it’s normally the men or the brothers…who would come forward and initiate contact.”

Professor Rochadiat also discovered that a large percentage of Muslim women who use online dating systems are converts to Islam. “This is related to extractive information,” she says. “So if someone contacts you, they already know you’re a convert which, in an offline setting, someone may not be able to tell. Muslim converts feel, more than born Muslims, the limitations of meeting someone offline.”

Tory, a white convert to Islam from Michigan, confirms Rochadiat’s findings. “Being a convert, I didn’t have an aunty network of people who were going to find me a spouse. By going to online networks, I could control the process and see how it goes. I could be more anonymous; I didn’t have to make this big announcement to my community that I was looking for a spouse.”

Tory wanted prospective matches to know about her love of road biking, so she posted a picture of herself in full bike gear on her Half Our Deen profile.

“I felt I could represent myself a little bit more,” she says, black american muslim dating sites. “It would help weed out people that would be naysayers. I never have to meet them or justify my life decisions, and on the flip side I could do that with the gentlemen too and read the things that they wrote.”

Single and divorced Black american muslim dating sites women in their 30s and 40s are another sizeable demographic using online matchmaking systems. Professor Rochadiat explains why they are turning to online sites: “When we look at dating apps in general, black american muslim dating sites, not just in Muslim communities, black american muslim dating sites, there are terms called the ‘dating market’ and people who belong to ‘thin markets’ which are because of limited social capital in the offline world. It includes people from sexual minorities, like LGBTQ people who are older [and] divorcees. So technology allows access for these individuals to seek out other people.” Muslim converts also fall in the category of “thin markets” because they do not have familial networks or black american muslim dating sites ties that typically facilitate marriages for other North American Muslims.

I asked Professor Rochadiat if she shares Imam Deeb’s opinion that a marriage crisis looms in Muslim communities across North America today. She thinks on it and replies, “There is some truism in what the Imam said, but more research would need to be conducted in terms of the percentages of people who are married or not.”

“I think germany dating sites should be wary of using the language of crisis,” says Justine Howe, associate professor and chair of Religious Studies at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio. Her research focuses on Muslims in the United States. In her view, people use the language of crisis to talk about deeper worries about the place of Muslims in American society and tensions around assimilation. In Imam Deeb’s case, black american muslim dating sites, his real concern is about the place of the mosque and if it will remain the spiritual locus or center of authority in North American Muslim communities, black american muslim dating sites. Since younger Muslims have replaced traditional processes of finding a spouse with new technologies, some like Imam Deeb worry that such innovations are black american muslim dating sites of even greater disruptions to Muslim life.

“There are now a wide range of Muslim authorities who weigh in on the context of marriage in the U.S.,” Professor Howe explains. “You have imams who are performing marriage counselling for couples before they get married, so they see the office of the imam as more of a pastoral role to congregants. But you also have a wide range of different scholars in both Canada and the U.S. who are offering guidance about how to get married. And these are not necessarily new initiatives.”

“So this question around who should be guiding couples to marriage is a live debate, and like everything in the landscape of U.S. Muslim communities, it’s all very diffuse and happening at the local level, black american muslim dating sites. So you might have in certain places or mosques that they really have robust programs to help with these questions, but in other local spaces you might not have as much or there might be a mismatch between the kind of guidance that’s being given and what the young adults actually are seeking.”

Historically, the mosque is just one place where North American Muslims have turned for guidance to find their spouses, but Professor Howe explains that there have always been a wide range of ways of going about matchmaking.

“The Muslim Students Association (of the U.S. and Canada) had marriage ads in local chapters, but also in Islamic Horizons and other publications going back to the 70s. Parents would black american muslim dating sites ads for their kids, which suggests that the usual channels of finding Muslim spouses perhaps weren’t working in the way they intended, so people turned to the 1980s version of the classifieds. ISNA (Islamic Society of North America) would hold various events and matchmaking conferences, black american muslim dating sites, and there would be workshops and seminars about finding a spouse.”

With this history in mind, black american muslim dating sites, it seems the move towards online platforms to find marriage and companionship—even in Muslim communities—is an organic evolution in step with the culture at large.

“I think this language of crisis of marriage is often because marriage is inflected in other, broader kinds of questions within Muslim communities—debates about race, gender, class; for converts the case of authenticity, black american muslim dating sites, and questions about the centrality of religious identity over black american muslim dating sites forms of identity,” Professor Howe says, offering a different take on the anxieties expressed about marriage by Imam Deeb and Baba Ali. “Marriage crisis—whether in Muslim communities or broader American society—these are anxieties about reproduction, the future of the community and what it should ideally look like. Some of the consternations that I have observed are about how marriage has been pushed back later, so as Muslim women are increasingly becoming more educated over the last few decades, taking on professional careers, much of the anxiety over marriage is ‘how do we get elite members of our community married?’”

For Muslim women in particular, turning to online spaces is a way to mitigate many of black american muslim dating sites challenges of seeking suitable companions as mosques may not offer the inclusive environments many women are seeking. Mosques often have a separate area for women, segregated from the rest of the congregation and hidden from view. Some mosques may not even offer such a space for women, or bar them from praying there altogether.

“One of the things I’ve noticed, which is really most popular dating apps in usa, is groups of Muslim women forming halaqas [circles] offering online courses because they feel the masjid is a very masculine and male-oriented space,” Professor Rochadiat says of an emerging trend she’s witnessing.

With the right tools and leadership, community building can be done online. Mosques, along with other places of worship, are increasingly holding live streamed events, and people are becoming more comfortable adapting technology for religious purposes, which includes seeking romantic partners.

“The online world is kind of like a third space,” Professor Rochadiat concludes. “While it reflects much of the offline world, there are also some dynamics which are unique to online platforms because of certain characteristics of online communication. So we’re going to see more variation in terms of engagement as people find alternative ways to participate in religious life and experiences.”

The concerns of young, observant Muslims around the use of technology and how it affects their religious practices speaks to a broader trend about adapting to our black american muslim dating sites world without losing one’s identity. For now, online platforms are helping young Muslims navigate the tricky terrain dating a big girl reddit religious observance with contemporary life. And in significant numbers, observant Millennial and Gen Z Muslims are turning to matrimonial apps to help them fulfill their religious obligation to marry.

Hina Husain is a freelance writer based in Toronto. She’s written for Foreign Policy, CBC, and Vice. You can find her on Twitter @HinaTweetsNow.

“I’m increasingly coming to terms with the black american muslim dating sites that I may never get married,” said Mustafa, a 34-year-old Black Muslim man who asked that we not use his real name.

He has been on two dates with women he met on dating apps in the past year – and they left him feeling fatigued and doubtful that he would ever find a genuine connection with someone.

He had turned to the apps, he said, black american muslim dating sites, because, there is no dating scene in his British-Somali community. But, he lamented, black american muslim dating sites, “it’s really hard to find someone. And that’s true for every online dating app, it doesn’t matter if it’s Muzmatch, Tinder or Hinge.”

This is not how Mustafa imagined his life would be in his mid-thirties. When he was younger, he pictured himself as a devoted husband and loving father to a couple of children by now. In this mental image of familial bliss, he was also living in a picturesque cottage in the English countryside complete with “a lake or something”.

Instead, he recently celebrated his 34th birthday single and living in a flat overlooking the Wembley Stadium arch in North West London. But, he added with a shrug, “I’ve started learning how to cycle.”

Discussing his hobbies and interests – cycling, reading, writing – he sounds more optimistic. He has directed his energy away from the fickle and unpredictable pursuit of love and towards those variables of his life he can control, like picking up new pastimes. He isn’t alone in black american muslim dating sites they see is a Black guy’

Although the United Kingdom’s Black Muslim community is culturally diverse, including best russian dating sites in usa from a wide range of African and Caribbean backgrounds, it only comprises 10 percent of the UK’s Muslim population. This can make dating or finding a marriage partner particularly difficult.

A recent survey by Muzmatch, a Muslim-specific dating app that has been heralded for helping 20,000 Muslims meet and marry since its launch in 2015, revealed the challenges faced by Black Muslims dating in the UK. Muzmatch asked 471 of their members from different ethnic groups if they felt that race and ethnicity affected the matches they received and whether they had negative experiences as a result of this, black american muslim dating sites. In their answers, Black users pointed to a range of issues – including fetishisation, colourism and discrimination.

Most of the Black women surveyed complained about being fetishised and branded “exotic”. One West African woman described how dark-skinned women were considered unattractive and how she had been called the n-word by one user.

A Sudanese man expressed concern that he was matched with women with similar interests to him who subsequently rejected him because their family wouldn’t accept him. “It doesn’t matter if you’re on your deen and have a successful career. All they see is a Black guy,” he explained.

Mustafa had similar experiences. He discovered that his popularity on dating apps was directly related to his race and ethnicity. “Many non-Black Muslim women do put a disclaimer on their profile that their families would not accept anyone outside their ethnicity, or even ethnic groups,” he said.

Muzmatch currently has 5 million registered users worldwide. All users are required to upload at least one photo to confirm their identity, but once this is done, they can control who can white men dating black women site their photos. The app includes filters like age, occupation, height and ethnicity, which was added last year after users complained that they didn’t feel represented on the platform.

“In the broader sense, the goal of Muzmatch is to integrate the Muslim community,” explained Shahzad Younas, the app’s founder and CEO. “But we also want to uplift minorities from smaller groups and help them find each other.”

‘A generation that just swipes’

Most of the women Mustafa has matched with on Muzmatch and other dating apps have been Somali. “While Somalis are comparatively a smaller number, [in comparison to South Asians] almost all my matches have been Somali women,” he said. The decision to date within his community has been more a result of this than a matter of personal preference.

Mustafa was in love once. He said he knows this because it felt “better than dreaming”, better even than his country-house-by-a-lake fantasy. She was a Black Muslim he initially met online. When she was a student and he was working, he would travel across London to see her after work and accompany her on late-night study dates on campus. When black american muslim dating sites broke up – her decision, not his – he said it “really, really broke” him. They have remained quite close. “It didn’t work out but she’s happy and I’m happy because of that,” he added.

A few months after the break-up, black american muslim dating sites, he revisited online dating. “To go from that to apps where people don’t want to share their photos or speak on the phone was devastating,” he said.

He has missed the intimacy of physical interaction. “We’ve become a generation that just swipes. We swipe not because we’re conscious of what we’re doing, but because it’s a force of habit,” he reflected.

“That’s why I would rather use my energy and time to learn how to ride a bike,” Mustafa laughed.

An apocalypse at a Thai restaurant

Twenty-five-year-old marketing assistant Khadija offered an insight into the perspectives of the Black Muslim women using these dating apps.

The Londoner of Somali descent said she’d had crushes in the past but it wasn’t until she was at university that she “entertained the idea of seeing someone”.

Khadija believes that many Black Muslim women experience a prolonged teenagehood. She has only recently moved out of her family home and described what it was like to try to date while living with her mum. “Having privacy when you live with your family is so scarce. Sometimes, people want to FaceTime me on demand but that’s not how my family is set up.” When Khadija was living with family, and wanted to speak to a man on the phone, she would have to “book” the call with the person in advance to ensure her family wasn’t listening in on the conversation.

“I’m 25 but my mum now says to me ‘Oh Khadija, now is when you’re deciding to have your rebellious teenage phase?’ and I reply, ‘You didn’t let me have that proper phase when I was a teenager!’”

Khadija said she is “more inclined to date a practising Muslim than a practising Christian”. At times, she has dated non-Muslim Black men, but she said religion has always been dragged into the conversation, often with a hefty dose of Islamophobia.

This was the case with her last date – with a Black Christian man she was matched with on Hinge, a match-making app that bills itself as the “only dating app” focused on cultivating long-term connections between its users.

She was initially attracted to him based on his photos on the app, she explained. They agreed to meet for dinner at a Thai restaurant. But red flags soon started to appear. She said he spent much of the date interrogating her about her dating history and exes, but refused to answer the same questions when she asked them of him. When he told high-five meeting dating app that he hated his job, which involved counselling young Black boys, another flag was raised. But the real deal-sealer was when he discovered she was Muslim and asked, “If Prophet Muhammad was to come down from heaven right now and if he was gonna take all the do-gooders with him, what’s one thing that you’ve done that would get you left behind?”

Still stunned as she recalled the question, black american muslim dating sites, Khadija laughed, black american muslim dating sites, “How can you imagine the apocalypse and you’re already leaving me behind? This man clearly wanted me dead.”

When he black american muslim dating sites to split the bill, Khadija said she thought, black american muslim dating sites, “I endured the interrogation, disrespect, and didn’t even get a free meal.”

Despite being more inclined to date a Black Muslim man, to Khadija’s surprise, the best date she has had was with a white, non-Muslim man. They met online this past summer and spent a few days talking before he asked her out.

“I mentioned to him in passing that I’d never been to the beach but it was just a passing thought,” she remembered. Then, on the day of their date, they met at London’s King Cross Station. It was the first time they had seen each other in person. “I asked him where we were going, I didn’t even know what train we were catching. He just grabbed black american muslim dating sites hand and we started running, black american muslim dating sites. Finally, I look at the platform and it says: Brighton. And then he goes, ‘You mentioned that you’d never black american muslim dating sites to the beach before.’” The weather forecast had predicted rain that day, but instead, it was suitably sunny for Khadija’s unexpected jaunt.

They went on a couple of dates after that but the spark fizzled out. Still, if given the chance to do it all again – even with the same result – Khadija said she would. “Sometimes, when you date with a goal in mind, it detracts from the present,” nerdy girl dating reflected. “My goal was to have a good time, and he set and raised the bar.”

‘My identity and community are important to me’

J, who asks that we not use his full name, is a 24-year-old Ghanian-British physiotherapist living in London. He has been single for the past two years. Just like Khadija, J said he is more likely to date a practising Muslim than someone of a different faith. But, unlike Khadija, he isn’t interested in dating someone outside of his race.

“My identity and community are the two most important things to me,” he said. In his view, without the foundation of shared experience, a marriage would not be sustainable. “I want to marry a Black Muslim, black american muslim dating sites. I can’t see past that world,” he explained. “Who knows, my Mrs may be a white English woman [but] I just don’t see it happening.”

That choice was his own, independent from any family pressures. “My parents aren’t fussy about it,” he shrugged. “My family doesn’t really care so long as I’m happy.” J was raised in an interfaith family with a Christian mum and a Muslim dad. His extended family is diverse and includes white and Caribbean members.

black american muslim dating sites alt>

J met a Black Muslim woman recently. He isn’t easily impressed, he said, but she wowed him. When he described their first date, it sounds like something out of an Issa Rae production. They were introduced by a mutual friend and spent hours texting before spontaneously deciding to meet. “I didn’t intend to take her to Nandos for the first date,” he said, half smiling and half cringing by way of a disclaimer for committing what to many first-daters is near enough a crime. But they were walking down a high street during their impromptu meeting, feeling hungry, and there it was.

In fact, black american muslim dating sites, if anything, the informality of the environment helped increase the sense of comfort they felt around one another. She was particularly unfiltered, J said. She asked him if he hated Black women, then followed up by asking him if he was a colourist. Rather than be intimidated by her questions, J assured her that he wasn’t. His empathy was informed by the understanding that Black men can be colourists too. “As a dark skin man, a lot of us carry unconscious biases towards dark skin women which we actively need to unlearn,” he explained.

The date went well, but after a couple more, J said she started to ghost him. “It hurt because it was more of a phased disappearance rather than a cold exit,” he said.

Still, that heartbreak hasn’t discouraged him from dating again. “I’m a bit of a humanist in that respect. I think there’s somebody for everybody,” he reflected, adding, “Life can be sweet.”

‘A dialogue, not a monologue’

Habiba, a single, 50-something woman living in Birmingham, agreed. J and Habiba are generations apart yet they share an appreciation of free vegan dating app power of human connection. In an increasingly individualistic world, what can be more beautiful than feeling socially and romantically connected, she asked.

“We need love, we need companionship and we need to be flattered. We need to feel special. No matter how old you are,” she said sincerely.

Habiba older men for younger women dating just 23 when she left her home in southwest Nigeria to be with her husband in England. It was October 1990, and England felt like a cold and lonely place far removed from the lively and hospitable environment she was used to.

Habiba and her husband had been separated for a long time before he died five years ago.

She described the challenges of marriage as being like “shell shock”. “We were far from perfect,” she said. “There are parts of my marriage I will never discuss with anybody, sometimes, it was his fault and sometimes, it was mine.”

Towards the end, she said, it came down to a decision between trying to save the marriage or prioritising the needs of their children. “I didn’t want to endanger them,” Habiba explained. “As they grew older black american muslim dating sites they began to lead their own lives, I realised it was time to start looking after myself. I didn’t want to be lonely.”

As her children grew up, and eventually moved out, she welcomed the thought black american muslim dating sites dating. One of her well-intentioned friends tried to play the role of matchmaker – setting her up with another friend who was also a Black Muslim, black american muslim dating sites. The friend had been trying for weeks without Habiba suspecting a thing. The man was renting out a property and Habiba’s friend arranged a house viewing supposedly with the intention that Habiba help him find a tenant. The friend urged her to “call him regularly”.

“Then I said to my friend, ‘what’s all this about?’,” Habiba recalled. “She said, ‘He’s very shy, I want you to stay in touch with him and keep him motivated so he can come out of his shell.’

“I said ‘He’s nearly 60, how can he be shy?’” Habiba added.

They dated briefly, but Habiba said he never quite escaped his proverbial shell. She said the relationship couldn’t mature because there wasn’t consistent communication. To illustrate her point, she described how he would only return one of every four of her calls. Several missed calls later, she blocked him on her phone and social media apps and hasn’t looked back since, black american muslim dating sites. spiritual dating site don’t nag,” she stated.

Asked if she has any advice to impart to those with less experience she concluded, “Relationships are not for the selfish. It’s a dialogue, not a monologue. Communication is the backbone of every relationship. No matter how uncomfortable the subject, talk it out. Agree to disagree, but be forgiving.”

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