A few years ago, back when I was regularly trolling OKCupid for dates, I received a message from a potential paramour. He'd been scanning through the survey answers associated with my profile, and one response in particular gave him pause: when asked whether I'd consider dating someone with herpes, I'd dating apps for people with herpes no.

For me, the question had been something I'd quickly checked off back when I was 21 and first joining OKCupid (and, I should note, far more ignorant about STIs). It wasn't some carefully considered stance on sexual transmitted infections, or grand statement about herpes. For him, however, it dating apps for people with herpes a potential deal breaker: As you've probably figured out by now, my suitor was a member of that vast group of sexually active adults who've been infected with herpes.

The internet was supposed to be transformative for people with incurable, but highly preventable, STIs like herpes simplex virus (HSV) who wanted to date while being open about their status. That OKCupid question was, in theory, a way to suss out potential partners with positive feelings about the HSV+. Sites like Positive Singles and MPWH (that's "Meet People With Herpes") offered themselves up as ways to, well, meet people with herpes.

There's no question that these sites (which have even spawned their own Tinder-like apps) are a fantastic demonstration of how innovative online dating platforms can be. But even as they bring together a number of people living with STIs, they don't seem to do much to improve general education about living with herpes and other STIs. And as a result, people going online in search of connection and support often end up feeling stigmatized, isolated, and more alone than ever.

So what does help? Not surprisingly, education, honesty, and openness.

When Ellie* was diagnosed with herpes in her senior year of college, she was convinced the infection was a "death sentence" for her dating life. And in the beginning, that seemed to be the case. "I was being turned down by men who had every intention of sleeping with me until they found out," Ellie told me over email.

Hoping to improve her prospects, dating apps for people with herpes, or at least connect with people in a similar position, Ellie turned to the internet. But despite the promise of community and support, she found that STI-focused dating sites just made her feel worse. "It felt like a dating site for pariahs," she noted—and one with bad design, shitty UI, and and very few members, many of whom are too ashamed of their diagnosis to actually post a picture on their profile.

And since these sites' only criterion for joining was an STI diagnosis, members didn't really have that much in common aside from their diagnosis, which many seemed obsessed by. Ellie noted that "it was insecure dating good looking guys of a group therapy site than a dating site. Nothing about it was sexy."

More troublingly, the sites seemed less likely to unite people with STIs than to divide them into hi5 dating app. As Ellie explained, "There was this shitty STD hierarchy," which ranked curable STIs above herpes, and HSV-1 (formerly known as "oral herpes") above HSV-2 (formerly known as "genital herpes"), both of which were considered "better" than HIV. "I just felt like it was used to make people who felt bad about their illness feel better by putting other people down."

Ellie's not alone in her assessment of STI dating sites as a barren, depressing wasteland. Ann*, who contracted herpes the first time she had sex, noted that "with [roughly] 20 percent of the population having HSV2 there should be way more faces to click on." This points to another issue with these sites: whether because of ignorance, stigma, or some combination of the two, many best milf dating site living with herpes either don't know about, or won't admit to, their infection, further fueling the cycle of stigma, ignorance, dating apps for people with herpes, and shame.

This is not to say herpes condemns you to a depressing, dateless existence. It's just that corralling people with STIs into a corner of the internet, while making no attempt to improve education around the reality of what an STI diagnosis actually means, doesn't really do much to change the situation.

MPWH might offer community in the form of blogs and forums, but since much of the content is user-generated, the site's tone is set by panicked people who are convinced they're dating outcasts—rather than, say, a calm, knowledgeable expert there to educate and reassure the site's members that everything is okay. (MPWH staff do contribute posts to the site, but they can be poorly written and full of misspellings, hardly an encouraging sign for site members.)

As a result, these sites merely serve to segregate people who have herpes from people who don't (or don't admit it), further cementing the erroneous idea that a common viral infection somehow makes a person permanently unfuckable—when, in fact, a combination of medication, condoms, and avoiding sex during dating apps for people with herpes can make sex with herpes fairly safe (certainly much safer than sex with someone who blithely assumes they're STI-free).

So what does help? Not surprisingly, education, honesty, and openness about the topic of herpes. Despite their initial fears, both Ellie and Ann have gone on to have awesome sex with amazing people—none of whom they found by explicitly seeking out other people with herpes.

That's the other problem with sites like MPWH: they assume that people with STIs need a specialized dating apps for people with herpes site, when plenty HSV+ folk are able to find love (or just some good old fashion fucking) the same way everyone else does. (Tinder, duh.)

(It's worth noting that it can take some time to get to the point where you're comfortable dating in the wild with herpes: Ellie found that dating European men, who in her experience are less burdened by cultural baggage around herpes, helped her regain her confidence. Ann worked through her shame in therapy and is now "really open IRL about my diagnosis which I think has really helped my friends who also get diagnosed.")

Fundamentally, just treating herpes as the annoying, but manageable, infection that it is can have a huge impact with potential partners. "I noticed if I am not freaking out when I disclose to partners they do not freak out," Ann remarked. "I have found even people who [say they won't date someone with herpes], once they know me and have more information… they will change to a yes, because I am fly and cool as hell."

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Tagged:TechMotherboardDatingonline datingcolumnsherpesSTIsmotherboard showdating with herpes

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Herpes dating services have been around since the Internet was invented, thanks to a powerful social stigma that makes disclosing your STI status a frightening prospect for many of us. In a world where we are judged for having a sexually transmitted condition, telling a new partner about herpes means dating apps for people with herpes a rejection that plenty of herpes+ people would rather avoid. I get it. There is a market for these services, and I don’t want to dismiss the experiences of the people who use them. Please do not read this essay as judgmental, dating apps for people with herpes. I don’t mean to ugly men on dating sites the insecurities of people with herpes: I want to address the companies that profit off of them.

One of the first emails I received when I went viral way back in April 2015 was from a woman claiming to work for PositiveSingles.com (I say claiming because she wasn’t using a PositiveSingles email address). She wanted me to become a spokesperson, and when I refused, someone higher up in the food chain emailed me again. I politely declined for a second time. But then the same thing happened again with another STI dating site, and then another, and another. A booming app industry in Silicon Valley means that new STI dating services pop up every few months, and a cursory Google search means that their marketing team, or their founder, or their intern, quickly discovers me.

Let me be very clear: I will never endorse an STI dating site. Period. Ever. You’ve got the wrong woman.

Here are a few basic reasons. I don’t want to endorse a product I would never personally use. I don’t think any STI dating service is going to reinvent the wheel and be successful when so many have tried and failed in the past. As time goes on and stigma lessens, there will be less of a demand for these services. STI dating services would make great hacking targets in an online landscape where vigilante justice is all the rage and people with STIs are unsympathetic victims (whaddup, Ashley Madison). Not to mention these products are often cheap and tacky. I mean, “Hmate”? Really?

But here’s the big, huge, important fucking reason I’ll never support a herpes dating service: these products contribute to herpes stigma. Herpes dating apps rely on, profit from and contribute to the social stigma that I am absolutely against. We are not on the same dating apps for people with herpes of this war.

Creating a dating app only for people with herpes feeds into the prejudice that people with STIs shouldn’t date people without STIs. They reinforce the impulse of scared, raw people to hate themselves and hide from the rest of the world. These websites enable the self-segregation of the H community in a way that I believe contributes to our invisibility and inertia. Tall men dating site say to the rest of the world that we belong apart, that we are less than, that we are a hilarious PositiveSingles punch line. They send a progressive message to no one. Denying that is intellectually dishonest.

Some of these websites claim to empower their customers. Maybe some people use them as a transitional tool before re-entering the wider dating sphere, and hey, cool, whatever. Good for those people. But they are just as often predatory environments where newly diagnosed men and women (but usually women) are bombarded with attention. Like other dating services, they can be unsafe spaces for women where harassment and coercion thrive. When you round up a vulnerable dating apps for people with herpes isolated population, create a community space and fail to moderate it or protect your users, you create a dangerous environment. These folks would be better served by a support community than a dating app. STI dating services are a product of the stigma, not an empowering way out of it.

Not to mention that people with herpes are diverse. Having a minor skin condition in common is a shoddy foundation for a healthy relationship. I’ve dated people with herpes and I’ve dated people without it. The relationships that start with the premise “Hey I’ve got herpes too, let’s get a drink!” are usually short and predicated on nothing more than a false sense of familiarity.

I think most people who have had herpes for a few years know this too. The only people who ask me about herpes dating sites have just been diagnosed and are still daunted by the idea of disclosing—a fear I encourage them to tackle instead of pursuing these trap door dating sites. Which leads me to my next concern: these websites and apps dating apps for people with herpes not created by people with STIs, or by people who are openly STI positive. Some of them bring on consultants in the sexual health world, but only after the fact, dating apps for people with herpes, and by and large their founders dating apps for people with herpes not come from our community. These entrepreneurs may believe they have our best interests at heart, but they will never understand the stigma as well as someone who lives with it. They do not listen to the needs and opinions of this community, and they take funding and attention away from real efforts to provide treatment and testing, and to de-stigmatize sexual health.

STI dating services are almost always unethical money-grabs that prey on what seems like a potentially underserved niche market. This Silicon Valley opportunism is antithetical to real social change and progress. I would ignore these pop-ups as they inevitably fail, one after the other, except they won’t leave me alone. They reach out to me, share my posts and my talks on their social media platforms, and contact my fellow activists when I refuse to collaborate with them. This is a play for legitimacy and access to my platform, and I’m super done with it. As soon as a company like Truster starts talking about how they’re going to eradicate herpes stigma in a naïve and ignorant Medium post, I need to play bad cop.

I don’t care about your vague plans to invest in public health campaigns if dating apps for people with herpes become profitable. You cannot say your service fights STI stigma when it relies on stigma to exist. Just because a product is built for women doesn’t make it feminist, and just because a product is built for people with STIs doesn’t mean it serves our causes. What we need is better sex education and health care, access to therapy and more representation, dating apps for people with herpes. These companies are nothing but vultures, co-opting the language of activism.

What’s that? You’re founding a herpes dating app? Get my name out of your mouth and get off my lawn.

Recommended Reading: Dating Sites for People with Herpes Aren’t All They’re Cracked Online dating mistakes guys make to Be, Motherboard

In 2020 I self-published my micro-memoir, LIFE RUINER, about my experience getting diagnosed with herpes. You can read it exclusively on my Patreon, along with other essays about intimacy, mental health and relationships.

Read a free excerpt here.

The online dating world for most is overwhelming when it comes dating apps for people with herpes options, but if you have a sexually transmitted infection or disease, the pool can seem a lot smaller.

Jenelle Cheating dating app Pierce, founder and executive director of The STD Project, a site that raises awareness around stigmas of STDs and STIs, says the ongoing slight against people with STIs exists because of the labels.

“People feel like the folks who have STIs or STDs are trashy, promiscuous or cheaters,” she tells Global News. “These are all dirty words, but in reality, dating apps for people with herpes, anyone can contract and STI and all kinds of people do.”

READ MORE: Dating apps for people with herpes someone with social anxiety isn’t easy — here’s how to make it work

Most people are introduced to these infections and diseases as a consequence of having unprotected sex or having multiple partners, Pierce says, and this further adds to the stigma. Additionally, the confusion around these infections and the fact that they sometimes don’t exhibit any symptoms, further besmirches the people who have them.

In fact, dating apps for people with herpes, as sexual health blog Exposed notes, the term STD is used less often, and STI is preferred, because the word “disease” has too many negative connotations. On top of this, some people just have infections and not diseases.

READ MORE: How to find marriage potential in the online dating world

“STDs have been around forever — think back to junior high health classes, dating apps for people with herpes. But the phrase ‘STI’ doesn’t yet have the same negative connotation attached to it, so doctors and health advisers are more than happy to refer to them as infections rather than diseases,” the site adds.

Below, Pierce gives tips on how to navigate the dating world with an STI.

#1 Educate yourself

Pierce says for starters, anyone with the disease or infection should know exactly what they have. “Nobody is a better advocate than you,” she says. “Part of being your own advocate means seeking out that information, finding as many resources as you can, dating apps for people with herpes, and learning about where the stigmas come from.”

#2 Try STI-friendly sites

There are several dating sites and apps out there that cater to people with STIs and STDs, Pierce says. Positive Singles is for people with herpes and STDs, MPWH is for people with herpes, and Hift is for those with herpes, HPV, and HIV/AIDS. This is a good first step to find people who have gone through the same experience, she says.

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#3 Don’t limit yourself

The more popular online dating apps, like Bumble, Tinder or Coffee Meets Bagel, aren’t off limits, either. In turn, someone with an STI could meet someone without an infection, but who is open to the idea of being with someone who does. In this situation, education is key, she says, and you have to be direct and confident to bring up the conversation as it comes.

#4 Be direct in your profile (sort of)

Pierce says sometimes when people with STIs go on popular dating apps, they’ll add a series of numbers to their profile page or username that indicates they have an infection.

“It’s a low-key way to say I am STI-positive,” she says.

This, of course, is something only people with that STI would know. For example, herpes is 437737.

However, if you choose to go this route and meet someone who doesn’t have an STI or understand what the numbers mean, make sure you’re clear and honest about your infection.

READ MORE: How to start dating again after ending a long-term relationship

#5 Or just add it to your profile

Sometimes, people just don’t want to waste time or have the conversation, and this is totally fine, Pierce adds. If you want people to know you are STI- or STD-positive, add it your profile page to weed out people who consider it a deal breaker.

#6 Have the conversation organically

This is different for every dater, Pierce says. Some people like to take it slow and get to know someone before telling them about their infection. Pierce says it is OK to get to know someone first and reveal the STI after the first interaction. However, if sex is involved, dating apps for people with herpes, again, you need to be direct.

#7 Worried about that conversation? Practice

Bringing up your infection is never a simple topic of discussion, and it’s natural to fear rejection. If you are having trouble bringing up the conversation, practice before hand. Talk about what your STI means, what your worries are and what you think of the dating experience with this person so far. If you’re on the receiving end of the conversation, be patient and willing to listen — this isn’t an easy subject to talk about.

“And if you do experience rejection, let it roll off your shoulder,” Pierce says. “There are so many other fish in the sea.”

arti.patel@globalnews.ca