Is there anything more annoying than having a girl you put a lot of time and sweat into building rapport with flake on a date with you? You planned everything out perfectly, finally steeled yourself to ask her, set everything up, and then… the girl flakes.

She's a no-show.

No good.

It used to drive me crazy when girls flake, and I know for a fact it still drives plenty of other guys out there crazy too.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be a dating death sentence, because there are plenty of both preventative measures to avoid a girl flaking... and salves to smooth things over and recover from a flake if it's already happened.

Let's look at both.

When a Girl Flakes: It’s Not About You

At the end of 2010, I met a girl and set up a date with her. She called me prior to our date, telling me that her phone’s battery was almost out of charge, but we decided on where we’d meet and at what time. I arrived there about ten minutes late, and she hadn’t arrived. I waited for ten minutes.

I tried calling her but no dial tone; her battery must have died. I waited ten more minutes. At twenty minutes waited, she was now thirty minutes late for our date (since I’d been ten minutes late), so I sent her a text telling her I guess we’d gotten mixed up and that I’d tried calling her but her phone must be dead. Then, I turned around, got back on the subway, and headed back to my part of town. I got some food and went home.

A few hours later, the girl called and very apologetically told me she’d been an hour late because she got lost and couldn’t find the place and the parking had been horrible and she’d had to park far away and walk. She said she was very very sorry. I told her not to worry about it. She said she wanted to make it up to me; I told her she could cook me dinner some time this week. She said okay.

At the end of the week, she texted me to meet up. I told her to meet me at my subway station, which she did. I got into her car, and she handed me a box full of chocolates as an apology and asked me if I wanted to go to my place or drive around. I told her we could just go back to my place, so we did.

Within fifteen minutes of getting back to my apartment I had her clothes mostly off, and I bedded her several times that day. Later we went out for food, and she paid for my dinner, again as a way of apologizing for missing our original first date.

Had this all happened a few years ago, I probably would’ve been blinded by my anger at getting flaked on and never would’ve met up with this girl, or played games with her and made things difficult and caused things to cool off. Now though, when girls flake, I just stay cool and don’t make a big deal out of it, and it’s often a happy ending.

Rule #1 of successfully dealing with flakes? Don’t let it be a big deal. Stay cool when girls flake.

I think what happens with a lot of guys is they take it personal; if a girl flakes on him, a guy considers it a sign of disrespect. “Obviously she doesn’t respect me and she doesn’t respect my time,” he thinks.

You know what I realized? It’s not about you. Or at least, it’s very rarely about you. Most of the time when a girl flakes, it’s simply because something came up, or she misjudged how much time she had to allow to get there, or she started having doubts you were going to show up, or the date as arranged was inconvenient or difficult, or something along those lines. It’s almost never a judgment leveled at you.

So don’t take it so personal!

Flake Prevention

How do you discourage a girl from flaking? There are a few different means, and I recommend using all of them (I do):

• Be simple and direct in your run-up to the date. See “How to Text a Girl” for details on how I build basic rapport and arrange dates with women; I don’t even use phone calls these days. The reason I recommend you avoid getting overly mired in phone calls or long text conversations is that all this unproductive talk time makes things feel overblown; she might start feeling like the date is a big deal, that she really likes you, or that you really like her, and gets nervous and jittery and skittish. Far better for things to be simple and her feel like it’s very casual and easy to meet – she’s a lot more likely to show up.

• Pick a date that’s easy and convenient. One of the prime reasons you want to simplify your dates is that the easier it is for a girl, the more likely she is to agree. When you try to set up something complicated like going to this place or that place, or that involves a lot of work, like ice skating or rollerblading or laser tag or whatnot, you suddenly create a lot of potential mental resistance. That's when girls flake. Maybe it sounds fun at the moment, then your girl wakes up on the day of and thinks, “Man, I don’t have the energy for laser tag today. Maybe I just won’t go.” Pick dates that are easy and convenient to minimize the chances this happens.

• Give a girl a choice of times. One thing I’m big on these days is letting girls choose times. I’ll lay out a few days I’m available and suggest we do either a meal or grab a drink. That’s sufficiently flexible that she can suggest lunch or dinner or drinks or toss the ball back in my court. When you do it this way, she’ll let you know if it’s easier for her to do lunch or if she’d rather do drinks, or if any time all day is good for her and what day is better or best. Because you’re now choosing a time that’s convenient for her, instead of trying to force her into squeezing your date into a timeslot that doesn’t work as well for her, you make her far less likely to flake on you.

• Text beforehand. Text an hour or two before your date, something very casual and neutral regarding the meet itself. The texts I use most are, “Hey Casey, hope your morning has been great! When you get here I’ll meet you at Exit B. See you soon!” and, “Jana, running about twenty minutes late. Cool to meet at 1:30 PM instead of 1?”
  
  This does two things for you: first, it puts the girl at ease by letting her know you remember the date and are still set on meeting her. Just like you may be feeling nervous and not sure if she’s going to show up and may even bail or flake on her if you start getting unsure, so may she be. By preemptively texting her, you set her mind at ease and remove this fear. Second, if she was planning on flaking on you, this prompts her to respond to you telling you she isn’t going to make it, thereby saving you your time and energy and allowing her to save face rather than simply not informing you, then feeling too embarrassed about that faux pas later to face you again.

These are going to be your primary tools for reducing flaking and getting girl flakes down to a minimum level in your dating life. Using all of these techniques – and I personally do use all of them, with every single girl I set a date up with – markedly reduces the likelihood that a date doesn’t show up.

Flake Management

Say you take all of your flake prevention measures and a girl still ends up flaking on a date, though. Either she’s a no-show, like the girl I had a date with at the end of December, or she calls or texts telling you she has to cancel. What do you do then?

Just a few simple guidelines in this case:

• Don’t panic, and treat it like it’s no big deal.

• Be understanding, and tell your girl it’s okay and there’s no need to explain if she tries to launch into a long explanation.

• Don’t try to reschedule then and there unless she’s adamant about so doing. Don’t even mention rescheduling. If she brings it up, tell her to just do her thing if she’s in a rush and you’ll worry about rescheduling later. You want to communicate basically that you’re confident you’ll see her again and, once more, that it’s no big deal.

• Do make excuses for girls where need be. Just like with that girl I had a date with, where I texted her that I guess we got mixed up and her phone must have run out of juice. You want to show her that you’re on her side, you understand, and give her a possible out – you want to avoid her feeling trapped and like she has to explain herself. Give her an explanation and she’s far more likely to feel at ease with you and feel comfortable talking to you and meeting you again later.

The basic gist is: it’s no big deal.

I’ve seen guys recommend you call girls out on this, and I’ve seen other guys recommend you don’t let them off the hook too easily, and still other guys recommend elaborate games to play to re-interest the girls in question and get them absorbed once more in you and in wanting to see you again. All of that, of course, is based on the assumption that the reason she isn’t going to see you is because she really isn’t all that into you. I’m willing to bet though that if she’s interested enough to agree to a date in the first place, her interest levels probably aren’t the issue.

More likely, it’s just that something came up, or she was running late, or she panicked, or she got nervous, or the date you set up was inconvenient for her, or something along those lines. Simply letting her call it off, then rescheduling with her a little later solves all this. No elaborate ruses, no games or techniques to spark her interest anew, no waiting periods to make her think you’re über hard-to-get and sought after. Just be chill and reschedule later. No big deal.

There’s one really cool thing about girls flaking and you handling it very well, too: as in the first date I had with the girl at the beginning of this year after she’d flaked on our original first date, girls you have dates with after adeptly handling a date they flaked on tend to be much more intrigued by you and often ready for very rapid intimacy. Why? Because most guys don’t know how to handle the situation and get testy or weak or needy or angry. But you, when you handle a sticky situation like this properly – it says more about your strength and confidence and power as a man than just about anything else you could say or do can. And that’s the kind of statement about yourself that makes girls want to jump in bed with you fast.

Always,
Chase Amante

July 20, 2017

I scheduled a coffee date for 1 PM Thursday with someone on Bumble. We arranged this through the dating app the night before around midnight, ending with, “I’ll see you then!” At 11 AM on Thursday, the day of the date, when I was at the gym and couldn’t reply, I got a, “Still on for 1:00?” text. Hadn’t we just confirmed less than 12 hours ago? Had I not replied at noon saying that it did, in fact, still work, would he not have shown up?

In another instance, I scheduled a date for a Thursday evening. We confirmed the date, including the time and location, on Monday evening. On Wednesday evening, I received a text asking, “Still interested in meeting tomorrow evening?” Didn’t we already go through this? I suppose I get tired of other people’s propensity to bail (or flake or whatever you want to call it) being projected onto future dates… in this case, me. Could be worse, yes, but could also be better.

I give the advice to my clients to use the “confident confirmation” of “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” vs. the weak “Are we still on?” In talking to both male clients (since I generally recommend the man confirms a day before the date) and friends, I know that many take this “weak” approach because they are afraid that if they say, “Looking forward to seeing you,” and don’t get a response, then their date will not show up. Let’s stop the madness!!

I realize that I’m somehow now in the minority of people who do not cancel plans. I have a strong sense of obligation (guilt?), even if I don’t know the other person, to uphold a promise I make. I write my plans in stone (which perhaps leads to a heavy day planner!), so I, as both a dating coach and a person, have a hard time with the way plans are no longer set in stone for most people but more set in quicksand… fleeting at best.

Very sadly, we live in a world full of flakes. What’s at play here? Smart phones, for starters. You can cancel on someone without seeing his or her reaction. You don’t have to incur the ire of someone if you bail and then turn off your phone. But, remember that there is an actual person at the end of that phone. A person who has set aside some time in his or her life to meet you. A person who now has to find other plans or not have any plans. Sure, there are valid reasons to cancel—your child is sick, work put an unexpected deadline on you, your pet snake Marcy got into a catfight—but even if you have one of these valid reasons, remember that your time is no more valuable than someone else’s.

Here are some rules:

1. If you need to cancel the day of the date, call the person. 

Yes, call. Just last night, a client told me that her date canceled on her 45 minutes before a date—via text—with nary an apology in sight. Have courtesy.

2. If you’re canceling and you still want to see the other person, then propose a new date at the time of the cancellation.

3. Add an “I’m sorry” into any cancellation.

I once received a cancellation three hours before a date saying, “I need to rain check for tonight. I’m dealing with a work situation that will require my attention.” That’s fine. It happens. But, I read this as “Me me me. I am important. My work is important. Your time isn’t as important.” Just apologize.

4. Don’t cancel!!

Earlier this month, there was an Op Ed in the New York Times called The Golden Age of Bailing. The author, David Brooks, says, “All across America people are deciding on Monday that it would be really fantastic to go grab a drink with X on Thursday. But then when Thursday actually rolls around they realize it would actually be more fantastic to go home, flop on the bed and watch Carpool Karaoke videos. So they send the bailing text or email: ‘So sorry! I’m gonna have to flake on drinks tonight. Overwhelmed. My grandmother just got bubonic plague.…’”

Whether it’s canceling on someone at the last minute, which so many of my own dates and my clients’ dates have done, or ghosting (the deplorable act of “ending” a romantic relationship by simply no longer responding), remember that no matter what you call them, they are still bad—very bad—behaviors.

I was watching Master of None last week on Netflix, and Aziz Ansari’s character of Dev had asked a woman to go to a concert, but she didn’t reply in a timely fashion, so he asked someone else. At the 11th hour, woman #1 (aka the flake) came through, and Dev had a dilemma: Go with woman #2 as planned even though he prefers woman #1 or cancel on woman #2. There should be no dilemma. Woman #1 didn’t answer, so no date for her. Dev rationalizes with this sequence below:

Dev: Ah, it’s pretty rude to flake, man.

Friend: Bro, listen to me. How many times have girls flaked on you? Think about all that emotional stress they caused.

Dev: I’m hearing what you’re saying. Eh, maybe I’ve been looking at this from the wrong angle. I mean, whatever. We can be shitty to people now, and it’s accepted. It’s one of the great things about being alive today.

This made my brain hurt!! Bad behavior should not be replicated because people have bad behavior!

Dev, and all the dates out there who are thinking about flaking, either don’t (the optimal answer) or don’t schedule dates you don’t want to go on! And, if you do need to cancel, remember that there’s a person at the other end, with real feelings and real things to do besides wait around for you.

I welcome your comments below.

Tagged on: canceling a date    dates canceling    texting and dating    when to cancel a date

pjhair wrote: ↑3 years ago Malignant narcissistic personality disorder is as bad as you described. Probably even worse. However, I don't see any evidence that points to her having it. What evidence do you see? To me, she just sounds like a typical bitch who thinks that she is entitled to that kind of behavior by virtue of being a female . I too would have called her out on it. If nothing else, that would give me peace of mind.

By the way, your description of how narcissists perfectly describes one of my cousin. He doesn't get along with anyone. Always claims his superiority over everyone around him and tries to dominate people. He attempted that with me but met with a strong response so after that he is very careful around me. In fact, now he seeks to befriend me. But I know better than to trust him. He is ugly but ended up with a really good looking women, thanks to arranged marriage. But even his wife despises him. She has said that to me a lot of times. She can't leave him though as divorce is not really acceptable in that society. I feel sorry for her. He knows he is widely disliked but always claims others are jealous of him because he is rich.

Do Women Flake On You?

I will try to keep this short, but if you don't read it all, just refer to the question at the bottom regarding the question.

Okay, I have read through all of your newsletters ever since I signed up for the service & purchased your E-Books.

On a Tuesday I am out with a friend & we bump into his ex & her roommate. Both girls are 9's (pushing 10's). I immediately go to work! She's wearing a turtle neck sweater (I see a weak spot) so I start calling her "Tippy the Turtle" all night. She acts all defensive about it, but keeps laughing & asking me WHY, WHY, WHY do you keep calling me that?...So I just keep pouring it on. I bust on her humorously every chance I get. Within 2 hours, she's leaning on me, squeezing me & following me around the club like a puppy..... SO, we go to another club & I go to the bar to get a drink and the waitress at the bar (whom I know from being there in the past) asks me why I have never asked HER to go out & do anything (LIGHT BULB GOES ON).

So I tell her it's "because I don't have a way to get a hold of her". So she pulls out a dollar bill from her money holder & writes her number down and gives it to me (this girl is a solid 10 by the way... and trust me, IM PICKY!). Needless to say, IM STOKED! So I tease her a little about her name (because her name is B... a guys name), take the number & go back to my friend & the girls..... Everything is great RIGHT????

Now the problem & the question:

I ask a friend of mine about her (the waitress). He works at the same night club she does. He said that she was "all about money". He also told me that she just quit her job that weekend & didn't work there anymore...

So I called her on the following Sunday (gave it about 5 days). I decided to check this "money thing" out in a humorous way. When she finally realized who I was (which kinda pissed me off that I had to explain to her who I was on the phone...I went as far as suggesting that I hang up & call back & try this again) I told her that I heard she quit her job & then asked her "How are you going to take me to lunch & pay my way if you don't have a job"? I thought it was funny & was awaiting a laugh, but she responded with "why do you have to start the conversation off like that? I had to support my last 2 boyfriends, so don't go there". Needless to say Im shocked & respond with "Its becoming a habit huh?"...and then heard silence & broke the silence with "Im just giving you sh**!" (I know, I know....a WUSS moment)

SO, I set a simple meeting with her (for some lunch before I had to go to work) for that same Thursday (today actually...4 days later). She said the date & time were cool so I closed the deal (kept the phone call at about 3-4 minutes). Before I hung up she said "why don't you call me between now & then so we can talk". Well Im picking up on that one right away, so I respond with. What would be the point in that? We are getting together Thursday to talk". And we said our goodbyes & that was it....

NOW I get a phone call 3 hours before we have to meet & she tells me some BS story about her brother coming in town & she can't meet me for lunch. Well Im not stupid, and I just had another girl cancel in a similar fashion on me last night. DUHH!!!... So my question is this:

QUESTION: If a girl cancels on you, how should you really handle it? Especially if you know her excuse is bull sh**?!?! (I can pick liars out a mile away... its a gift!). I realize she maybe testing me, but when a girl expresses interest in YOU & makes it a point to make sure that YOU leave WITH HER PHONE NUMBER, how should you handle it when they cancel last minute with a lame ass excuse? My feelings are to talk to them in a manor making them feel as stupid as they think YOU are.

For Example:

When she tells me her brother is going to be in town & she had to cancel THREE HOURS before we meet, I felt like saying "Well I gave you 4 days notice to meet me for ONE hour. Your brother hasn't seen you in six months & you didn't know this when we talked the first time??"

I was just real quiet & said nothing when she fed me this "Line" & responded with "ok, whatever... maybe some other time...you have my number" & that was the end of the conversation, I hung up.

Are they testing to see if you WILL be an a**hole (DO THEY WANT YOU TO?), or are they testing to see if you will be sympathetic (WHICH WOULD BE BAD)..... Personally, I want to be an asshole because I get kind of upset with flakey people in general...

Also, do you think I should ever call & set a date up again with a woman like this, or did I already blow it?

My novel......

C. (Kansas)

My sophomore year in college, a girl from my hometown, Carey, moved to campus. She was a friend from high school, and immediately suggested meeting up and hanging out. I enthusiastically agreed, in part because she was very pretty and we were already friends.

In the course of that year we planned (well, I planned) to meet well over twenty times. We literally met once that year, during lunch in the dining hall, where we both would have been anyway. The other times she flaked, usually notifying me at the very last minute, if at all. I experienced a lot of frustration that year.

What is Flaking?

There is an epidemic of “flakes” in 2017, mainly because meeting people is so easy (just swipe right), as is making plans. Flaking is cancelling with someone at the last minute, usually with a lame excuse, but it also includes a pattern of making promises of getting together, and then breaking them. Both count as flaking. Flaking is ultimately a lack of respect for your feelings and time, and shows irresponsibility. This article mainly relates to acquaintances and dates, but could apply to people you’ve known for a while.

All of my clients have experienced flaking. They’ve matched on Tinder, texted back and forth, planned a date, only for the person to flake. One client got this message, as he was sitting outside their meeting location: “my friends said they didn’t want a stranger out with us, so we won’t be coming.” Another was told that his date was “too nervous” and that her mom’s resume needed updated…on a Saturday night, as he was on the hour drive to see her.

Finally, one messaged a girl to meet, she seemed excited, and then when he mentioned figuring out a time and place, she went blank, even after multiple contacts.  And, just because I have used female examples, let’s not forget that men flake too.

Legitimate cancellation (such as because of an emergency or panic attack) within a reasonable time frame isn’t flaking, although as I stated, even this can be flaking if it becomes a pattern. These are rare instances though: most flakes simply over-promise, have other things to do, are poor planners, have other people and events they prioritize over you, and maybe just aren’t into you and aren’t assertive enough to tell you.

This “definitive guide” for dealing with flakes is pretty short for a definitive guide, because there is no sense in complicating a non-complicated subject. This guide also applies to any situation where you are being treated badly in any social context, and it includes breadcrumbing and scrapbooking situations.

First, I want to start with two guiding principles that must be followed when dealing with flakes and anybody who wastes your time…

You Are The Prize

That’s right. People should be chasing after you, and not vice-versa. When you view yourself as the prize, you will become less needy, more detached, and be able to put the bad behavior of others in its proper context.

Start realizing that your time and attention are valuable. And, the more valuable you view yourself, the more valuable others will view you, and their respect will follow.

Detachment

Detachment is acting in the best way you know how, without worrying about the outcome. It allows you to make good decisions, in line with your values, regardless of the situation you are in.

A lot of people find it hard to do the right thing related to someone they are attracted to, because they are blinded by the person’s beauty, or the fear that another person won’t come along. So, they tolerate bad behavior they normally wouldn’t.

In order to deal with flakes you have to be detached. You have to understand (or at least act like you understand) that there are many more dates and friends out there, and you don’t have to put up with disrespectful, flaky behavior from anybody.

Step One: Stop Engaging

The natural response many people have with flakes is to try to reason with the person, call them out, or complain. I suggest doing none of these. I’ve never seen flakes successfully convinced to reconsider their decision like this. If they’re cancelling at the last minute, or not responding to your messages, they aren’t on their way to meet you, I promise.

So the answer is to briefly communicate as necessary (like to clarify their lack of response), and then stop engaging them, at least for a while. Remember, you are the prize, so you’re not going to enable a flake. This isn’t meant as a punishment, but rather a way to assertively set respectful boundaries, and focus your time and energy on other things besides the aggravating flake.

Plus, study after study shows that humans consider scarcity as a sign of value. Neediness and availability are taken as signs of low value. So, by freezing contact, you’re potentially increasing your value by signalling your unavailability.

So, if you’re sitting in the coffee shop and she’s late, and she texts “sorry something came up and I can’t come” you can freeze contact by responding once with something very brief, like “OK” and then stopping contact, or by simply not responding at all. If you’re feeling particularly funny, you can send an image like the one below:

But that’s it. The point of stopping contact is to show you don’t care. Any long screed about being stood up, or begging him or her to come out defeats the point of proving you don’t care, and you’ll just look like every other needy person the flake has dealt with.

The flake may become very confused. Why? You may be the first person who has stood up to her, and hasn’t begged for attention. And that’s good. But don’t respond for a while. Make her double or triple text you. Wait a few hours or days. There is no set time for you to disengage a flake. Most won’t even try to engage you anyway, because their intention is to move on from you.

If you feel like the flake is sorry, and seems to be working to show you respect (for example, by promising to meet soon, etc), you can unfreeze contact.

If you are dealing with someone you know well, like an old friend with many positive qualities, give them the benefit of the doubt and re-engage sooner. However, if you’re dealing with a near stranger, like a Tinder match, I would make sure you know they share your values before you give too much of your energy to them through increased contact. This brings us to…

Step Two: Optioning

There are plenty of people out there who won’t flake on you, even if they seem hard to find. And, you need to focus on those people.

Optioning is a baseball term for sending someone to the minor leagues with the option of calling them back up when needed.

While it may seem a little crass, view your social contacts (including people you may date or consider romantic partners) this way. You have your starters (quality people), ones on the bench (good, but not the best), and those in the minor leagues (ones who don’t share all of your values, but are still worth knowing). Once a someone flakes on you, that indicates they need to be “sent to the minors.”

That’s not to say you won’t ever contact him or her again, or that you won’t hang out or text occasionally. You’re just giving someone else priority, someone who hopefully respects you and shares your values. If the flake apologizes and starts acting differently, he can eventually go back to a “starter” position.

If you don’t have quality options in your life, then it is time to find them.  In fact, the reason you may lack quality people is because you have shown yourself as needy and a doormat in the past.

So, if a girl flakes on you, message another. Maybe the flake was closer to your ideal woman (or man) than this other one, but that doesn’t matter. No matter how pretty or handsome a flake is, a pattern of flaking means the flake isn’t your ideal woman or man. So, contact another. And maybe another. Get my point?

Conclusion

You may think this is harsh or strict, but it really isn’t. It’s being assertive, valuing yourself, and prioritizing good people, people who respect you and who share your values. Every flake I’ve ever known has alienated countless people, and while everyone wasted time complaining about them, nobody ever did anything to end the behavior.

And, this guide will keep you sane when dealing with that annoying and frustrating last minute cancellation.

So, there it is. Dealing with flakes involves putting them in the proper perspective. I wish I would have known all of these things in college with Carey. In the process of prioritizing Carey, I neglected other good people while I spent time trying to meet Carey. And, I focused mental resources on her that I could have placed elsewhere. Eventually I just quit trying to meet up, and not only did I survive, but she wasn’t too bothered either: I haven’t heard from her in 15 years.

I’ll be real with you. Most phone numbers are worthless and weak.

WORTHLESS.

You are the fun guy at the bar. She meets plenty of fun guys at the bar. She gives out her number to get rid of them. She will forget about you.

Phone numbers are MEANINGLESS.

Unless you make them strong.

Think about it. When do you usually go for the phone number?

It’s a last ditch effort. You don’t know what else to do, so you eek out “Can I have your number?”

Unless you’re creepy, she’ll give it to you.

I really hope you’re not running back to your buddies and bragging about it. Never do that. See: definition of pathetic.

So what can you do to separate yourself from the fun guy at the bar?

Close HARD.

I’ll be brutally honest, and I totally know I’m going to get flack for saying this. I get phone numbers for one reason: sex.

If I don’t see myself going on a date with a girl, I’m more likely to say “Goodbye forever” and walk away.

Yes, goodbye forever. As in, get the fuck out of my line of vision for the rest of my time on this Earth.

There is no point.

There are plenty of guys who approach women with the prime intent of getting their phone numbers. That is weird.

I approach women to have fun interactions. Phone numbers are an afterthought. Literally not even on my radar. If I’m having fun with a girl, it only makes sense to take the necessary steps to continue the interaction (i.e. take her home or get her number and meet up at another time).

Guys constantly complain about women flaking on them and not answering their texts.

Since I started doing this, a girl hasn’t flaked on me even once.

I’m hesitant to reveal the secret, because I’m afraid some guys will take it the wrong way. Just look like total creeps and blame it all on me.

Here’s the deal: you need to do this with confidence. If you don’t, you will look incredibly needy. The situation will be excruciatingly awkward. But if you can master this secret, girls will rarely ever flake on you and you can easily accumulate multiple dates every week.

I’m assuming you can figure out the right time to go for the number (usually when you’re saying goodbye/there are bad logistics for bringing her home the same night).

Break out the verbal kung fu on these bitches

So what is the secret? Make sure she knows the deal before you get her number. You’re not just adding a worthless number to your phone book. You want this to be solid. Make an impression.

Here’s how to do it:

Look her in the eye and hold eye contact the whole time. Speak with conviction.

“Listen. You’re really cute/sexy/cool and this is fun. I’m taking your number and we’re hanging out this week. Don’t give me your number if you don’t want to see me. 

At this point, she’ll usually nod or say yes. Give her your phone and tell her to put her number in.

If you can figure out a day when she’s free, all the better. Something like “Are you free Tuesday night? Okay, great. We’ll meet up and grab drinks. I’ll give you a call.”

It’s literally that simple.

Why does this work?

It’s basically a wake-up call for the girl. She’s used to giving her number out to the fun guy at the bar and not responding later.

It’s almost muscle memory for her at this point. But when you look her in the eye and say “AY, I don’t want your number if you don’t want to hang out,” it cuts the bullshit.

It forces her to envision the two of you hanging out.

“Do I want to hang out with this guy?”

If you do it the right way, she’ll usually be saying yes. She’ll be thrown off by your confidence, because it takes some serious balls to look her in the eye and state your intent.

You don’t care about her number, that doesn’t mean anything to you. You care about continuing the fun interaction.

You will separate yourself from the fun guy in the bar.

You’re getting her number because you want to go on date and eventually have sex with her. You’re not adding another stupid number to your phone book. Cement this idea into your head.

Stay tuned for more texting/phone advice, and a guide to setting up the date once you have her number.

Subscribe to PostGradCasanova to receive updates of new posts and some cool free exclusive posts that are only sent to email subscribers.

Until then, remember: close hard, state your intent, and stop pussyfooting around like a fucking ballet dancer.

Related

• In addition, even though chances of success via cold approaching are less but if you cold approach enough, you can still date and have regular sex with more compatible women than getting dates and sex through social events or apps. For example: suppose you get rejected by 99 out of 100 girls/women you approach in a month. This means you can still meet one cool girl every month with whom you resonate well. Of course, dating in college and the girl flakes, this is just an example. The actual number can be higher and lower for different people depending upon their looks, personality, seduction and interaction skills, intelligence, intentions, degree of presence, receptiveness of the people around, confidence and so on. Read Get Good at Picking Up Girls for more on this.

My sophomore year in college, a girl from my dating in college and the girl flakes, Carey, moved to campus. She was a friend from high school, and immediately suggested meeting up and hanging out. I enthusiastically agreed, in part because she was very pretty and we were already friends.

In the course of that year we planned (well, I planned) to meet well over twenty times. We literally met once that year, during lunch in the dining hall, where we both would have been anyway. The other times she flaked, usually notifying me at the very last minute, if at all. I experienced a lot of frustration that year.

What is Flaking?

There is an epidemic of “flakes” in 2017, mainly because meeting people is so easy (just swipe right), as is making plans. Flaking is cancelling with someone at the last minute, usually with a lame excuse, but it also includes a pattern of making promises of getting together, and then breaking them. Both count as flaking. Flaking is ultimately a lack of respect for your feelings and time, and shows irresponsibility. This article mainly relates to acquaintances and dates, but could apply to people you’ve known for a while.

All of my clients have experienced flaking. They’ve matched on Tinder, texted back and forth, planned a date, only for the person to flake. One client got this message, as he was sitting outside their meeting location: “my friends said they didn’t want a stranger out with us, so we won’t be coming.” Another was told that his date was “too nervous” and that her mom’s resume needed updated…on a Saturday night, as he was on the hour drive to see her.

Finally, one messaged a girl to meet, she seemed excited, and then when he mentioned figuring out a time and place, she went blank, dating in college and the girl flakes, even after multiple contacts.  And, just because I have used female examples, let’s not forget that men flake too.

Legitimate cancellation (such as because of an emergency or panic attack) within a reasonable time frame isn’t flaking, although as I stated, even this can be flaking if it becomes a pattern. These are rare instances though: most flakes simply over-promise, have other things to do, are poor planners, have other people and events they prioritize over you, and maybe just aren’t into you and aren’t assertive enough to tell you.

This “definitive guide” for dealing with flakes is pretty short for a definitive guide, because there is no sense in complicating a non-complicated subject. This guide also applies to any situation where you are being treated badly in any social context, and it includes breadcrumbing and scrapbooking situations.

First, I want to start with two guiding principles that must be followed when dealing with flakes and anybody who wastes your time…

You Are The Prize

That’s right. People should be chasing after you, dating in college and the girl flakes, and not vice-versa. When you view yourself as the prize, you will become less needy, more detached, and be able to put the bad behavior of others in its proper context.

Start realizing that your time and attention are valuable. And, the more valuable you view yourself, the more valuable others will view you, and their respect will follow.

Detachment

Detachment is acting in the best way you know how, without worrying about the outcome. It allows you to make good decisions, in line with your values, regardless of the dating in college and the girl flakes you are in.

A lot of people find it hard to do the right thing related to someone they are attracted to, because they are blinded by the person’s beauty, dating in college and the girl flakes, or the fear that another person won’t come along. So, they tolerate bad behavior they normally wouldn’t.

In zillow dating site to deal with flakes you have to be detached. You have to understand (or at least act like you understand) that there are many more dates and friends out there, and you don’t have to put up with disrespectful, flaky behavior from anybody.

Step One: Stop Engaging

The natural response many people have with flakes is to try to reason with the person, call them out, or complain. I suggest doing none of these. I’ve never seen flakes successfully convinced to reconsider their decision like this. If they’re cancelling at the last minute, or not responding to your messages, they aren’t on their way to meet you, I promise.

So the answer is to briefly communicate as necessary (like to clarify their lack of response), and dating in college and the girl flakes stop engaging them, at least for a while. Remember, you are the prize, so you’re not going to enable a flake. This isn’t meant as a punishment, but rather a way to assertively set respectful boundaries, and focus your time and energy on other things besides the aggravating flake.

Plus, study after study shows that humans consider scarcity as a sign of value. Neediness and availability are taken as signs of low value. So, by freezing contact, you’re potentially increasing your value by signalling your unavailability.

So, if you’re sitting in the coffee shop and she’s late, and she texts “sorry something came up and I can’t come” you can freeze contact by responding once with something very brief, like “OK” and then stopping contact, or by simply not responding at all. If you’re feeling particularly funny, dating in college and the girl flakes, you can send an image like the one below:

But that’s it. The point of stopping contact is to show you don’t care. Any long screed about being stood up, or begging him or her to come out defeats the point of proving you don’t care, and you’ll just look like every other needy person the flake has dealt with.

The flake may become very confused. Why? You may be the first person who has stood up to her, and hasn’t begged for attention. And that’s good. But don’t respond for a while. Make her double or triple text you. Wait a few hours or days. There is no set time for you to disengage a flake. Most won’t even try to engage you anyway, because their intention is to move on from you.

If you feel like the flake is sorry, and seems to be working to show you respect (for example, by promising to meet soon, etc), you can unfreeze contact.

If you are dealing with someone you know well, like an old friend with many positive qualities, give them the benefit of the doubt and re-engage sooner. However, if you’re dealing with a near stranger, like a Tinder match, I would make sure you know they share your values before you give too much of your energy to them through increased contact. This brings us to…

Step Two: Optioning

There are plenty of people out there who won’t flake on you, even if they seem hard dating in college and the girl flakes find. And, you need to focus on those people.

Optioning is a baseball term for sending someone to the minor leagues with the option of calling them back up when needed.

While it may seem a little crass, view your social contacts (including people you may date or consider romantic partners) this way. You have your starters (quality people), ones on the bench (good, but not the best), and those in the minor leagues (ones who don’t share all of your values, but are still worth knowing). Dating in college and the girl flakes a someone flakes on you, that indicates they need to be “sent to the minors.”

That’s not to say you won’t ever contact him or her again, dating in college and the girl flakes, or that you won’t hang out or text occasionally. You’re just giving someone else priority, someone who hopefully respects you and shares your values. If the flake apologizes and starts acting differently, he can eventually go back to a “starter” position.

If you don’t have quality options in dating in college and the girl flakes life, then it is time to find them.  In fact, the reason you may lack quality people is because you have shown yourself as needy and a doormat in the past.

So, if a girl flakes on you, message another. Maybe the flake dating apps for people with herpes closer to your ideal woman (or man) than this other one, but that doesn’t matter. No matter how pretty or handsome a flake is, a pattern of flaking means the flake isn’t your ideal woman or man. So, contact another. And maybe another. Get my point?

Conclusion

You may think this is harsh or strict, dating in college and the girl flakes, but it really isn’t, dating in college and the girl flakes. It’s being assertive, valuing yourself, and prioritizing good people, people who respect you and who share your values. Every flake I’ve ever known has alienated countless people, and while everyone wasted time complaining about them, nobody ever did anything to end the behavior.

And, this guide will keep you sane when dealing with that annoying and frustrating last minute cancellation.

So, there it is, dating in college and the girl flakes. Dealing with flakes involves putting them in the proper perspective. I wish I would have known all of these things in college with Carey. In the process of prioritizing Carey, I neglected other good people while I spent time trying to meet Carey. And, I focused mental resources on her that I could have placed elsewhere. Eventually I just quit trying to meet up, and not only dating in college and the girl flakes I survive, but she wasn’t too bothered either: I haven’t heard from her in 15 years.

I’ll be real with you. Most phone numbers are worthless and weak.

WORTHLESS.

You are the fun guy at the bar. She meets plenty of fun guys at the bar. She gives out her number to get rid of them. She dating sites that are free forget about you.

Phone numbers are MEANINGLESS.

Unless you make them strong.

Think about it. When do you usually go for the phone number?

It’s a last ditch effort. You don’t know what else to do, so you eek out “Can I have your number?”

Unless you’re creepy, she’ll give it to you.

I really hope you’re not running back to your buddies and bragging about it. Never do that. See: definition of pathetic.

So what can you do to separate yourself from the fun guy at the bar?

Close HARD.

I’ll be brutally honest, and I totally know I’m going to get flack for saying this. I get phone numbers for one reason: sex.

If I don’t see myself going on a date with a girl, I’m more likely to say “Goodbye forever” and walk away.

Yes, goodbye forever. As in, get the fuck out of my line of vision for the rest of my time on this Earth.

There is no point.

There are plenty of dating in college and the girl flakes who approach women with the prime intent of getting their phone numbers. That is weird.

I approach women to have fun interactions. Phone numbers are an afterthought, dating in college and the girl flakes. Literally not even on my radar. If I’m having fun with a girl, it only makes sense to take the necessary steps to continue the interaction (i.e. take her home or get her number and meet up at another time).

Guys constantly complain about women flaking on them and not answering their texts.

Since I started doing this, a girl hasn’t flaked on me even once.

I’m hesitant to reveal the secret, because I’m afraid some guys will take it the wrong way. Just look like total creeps and blame it all on me.

Here’s the deal: you need to do this with confidence. If you don’t, you will look incredibly needy. The situation will be excruciatingly awkward. But if you can master this secret, girls will rarely ever flake on you and you can easily accumulate multiple dates every week.

I’m assuming you can figure out the right time to go for the number (usually when you’re saying goodbye/there are bad logistics for bringing her home the same night).

Break out the verbal dating in college and the girl flakes fu on these bitches

So what is the secret? Make sure she knows the deal before you get her number. You’re not just adding a worthless number to your phone book. You want this to be solid. Make an impression.

Here’s how to do it:

Look her in the eye and hold eye contact the whole time. Speak with conviction.

“Listen. You’re really cute/sexy/cool and this is fun. I’m taking your number and we’re hanging out this week. Don’t give me your number if you don’t want to see me. 

At this point, she’ll usually nod or say yes. Give her your phone and tell her to put her number in.

If you can figure out a day when she’s free, all the better. Something like “Are you free Tuesday night? Okay, great. We’ll meet up and grab drinks. I’ll give you a call.”

It’s literally that simple.

Why does this work?

It’s basically a wake-up call for the girl. She’s used to giving her number out to the fun guy at the bar and not responding later.

It’s almost muscle memory for her at this point. But when you look her in the eye and say “AY, I don’t want your number if you don’t want to hang out,” it cuts the bullshit.

It forces her to envision the two of you hanging out.

“Do I want to hang out with this guy?”

If you do it the right way, she’ll usually be saying yes. She’ll be thrown off by your confidence, because it takes some serious balls to look her in the eye and state your intent.

You don’t care about her number, that doesn’t mean anything to you. You care about continuing the fun interaction.

You will separate yourself from the fun guy in the bar.

You’re getting her number because you want to go on date and eventually have sex with her. You’re not adding another stupid number to your phone book. Cement this idea into your head.

Stay tuned for more texting/phone advice, and a guide to setting up the date once you have her number.

Subscribe to PostGradCasanova to receive updates of new posts and some cool free exclusive posts that are only sent to email subscribers.

Until then, dating in college and the girl flakes, remember: close hard, state your intent, and stop pussyfooting around like a fucking ballet dancer.

Related

Is there anything more annoying than having a girl you put a lot of time and sweat into building rapport with flake on a date with you? You planned everything out perfectly, finally steeled yourself to ask her, set everything up, and then… the girl flakes.

She's a no-show.

No good.

It used to drive me crazy when girls flake, and I know for a fact it still drives plenty of other guys out there crazy too.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be a dating death sentence, because there are plenty of both preventative measures to avoid a girl flaking. and salves to smooth things over and recover from a flake if it's already happened.

Let's look at both.

When a Girl Flakes: It’s Not About You

At the end of 2010, I met a girl and set up a date with her. She called me prior to our date, telling me that her phone’s battery was almost out of charge, but we decided on where we’d meet and at what time. I arrived there about ten minutes late, and she hadn’t arrived. I waited for ten minutes.

I tried calling her but no dial tone; her battery must have died. I waited dating in college and the girl flakes more minutes. At twenty minutes waited, she was now thirty minutes late for our date (since I’d been ten minutes late), so I sent her a text telling her I guess we’d gotten mixed up and that I’d tried calling her but her phone must be dead. Then, I turned around, dating in college and the girl flakes, got back on the subway, and headed back to my part of town. I got some food and went home.

A few hours later, dating in college and the girl flakes, the girl called and very apologetically told me she’d been an hour late because she got lost and couldn’t find the place and the parking had been horrible and she’d had to park far away and walk. She said she was very very sorry. I told her not to worry about it. She said she wanted to make it up to me; I told her she could cook me dinner some time this week. She said okay.

At the end of the week, she texted me to meet up. I told her to meet me at my subway station, which she did, dating in college and the girl flakes. I got into her car, and lesbian dating chat free handed me a box full of chocolates as an apology and asked me if I wanted to go to my place or drive around, dating in college and the girl flakes. I told her we could discreet dating approval site go back to my place, so we did.

Within fifteen minutes of getting back to my apartment I movie sixties girls dating boys california her clothes mostly off, and I bedded her several times that day. Later we went out for food, and she paid for my dinner, again as a way of apologizing for missing our original first date.

Had this all happened a few years ago, I probably would’ve been blinded by my anger at getting flaked on and never would’ve met up with this girl, or played games with her and made things difficult and caused things to cool off. Now though, when girls flake, I just stay cool and don’t make a big deal out of it, and it’s often a happy ending.

Rule #1 of successfully dealing with flakes? Don’t let it be a big deal, dating in college and the girl flakes. Stay cool when girls flake.

I think what happens with a lot of guys is they take it personal; if a girl flakes on him, a guy considers it a sign of disrespect. “Obviously she doesn’t respect me and she doesn’t respect my time,” he thinks.

You know what I realized? It’s not about you. Or at least, it’s very rarely about you. Most dating in college and the girl flakes the time when a girl flakes, it’s simply because something came up, or she misjudged how much time she had to allow to get there, or she started having doubts you were going to show up, or the date as arranged was inconvenient or difficult, or something along those lines. It’s almost never a judgment leveled at you.

So don’t take it so personal!

Flake Prevention

How do you discourage a girl from flaking? There are a few different means, and I recommend using all of them (I do):

• Be simple and direct in your run-up to the date. See “How to Text a Girl” for details on how I build basic rapport and arrange dates with women; I don’t even use phone calls these days. The reason I recommend you avoid getting overly mired in phone calls or long text conversations is that all this unproductive talk time makes things feel overblown; she might start feeling like the date is a big deal, that she really likes you, or that you really like her, and gets nervous and jittery and skittish. Far better for things to be simple and her feel like it’s very casual and easy to meet – she’s a lot more likely to show up.

• Pick a date that’s easy and convenient. One of the prime reasons you want to simplify your dates is that the easier it is for a girl, the more likely she is to agree. When you try to set up something complicated like going to this place or that place, or that involves a lot of work, like ice skating or rollerblading or laser tag or whatnot, you suddenly create a lot of potential mental resistance. That's when girls flake. Maybe it sounds fun at the moment, then your girl wakes up on the day of and thinks, “Man, I don’t have the energy for laser tag today. Maybe I just won’t go.” Pick dates that are easy and convenient to minimize the chances this happens.

• Give a girl a choice of times. One thing I’m big on these days is letting girls choose times. I’ll lay out a few days I’m available and suggest we do either a meal or grab a drink. That’s sufficiently flexible that she can suggest lunch or dinner or drinks or toss the ball back in my court. When you do it this way, she’ll let you know if it’s easier for her to do lunch or if she’d dating in college and the girl flakes do drinks, or if any time all day is good for her and what day is better or best. Because you’re now choosing a time that’s convenient for her, instead of trying to force her into squeezing your date into a timeslot that doesn’t work as well for her, you make her far less likely to flake on you.

• Text beforehand. Text an hour or two before your date, something very casual and neutral regarding the meet itself. The texts I use most are, “Hey Casey, hope your morning has been great! When you get here I’ll meet you at Exit B. See you soon!” and, “Jana, running about twenty minutes late. Cool to meet at 1:30 PM instead of 1?”
  
  This does two things for you: first, it puts the girl at ease by letting her know you remember the date and are still set on meeting her. Just like you may be feeling nervous and not sure if she’s going to show up and may even bail or flake on her if you start getting unsure, so may dating a desperate girl be. By preemptively texting her, you set her mind at ease and remove this fear. Second, if she was planning on flaking on you, this prompts her to respond to you telling you she isn’t going to make it, thereby saving you your time and energy and allowing her to save face rather than simply dating in college and the girl flakes informing you, then feeling too embarrassed about that faux pas later to face you again.

These are going to be your primary tools for reducing flaking and getting girl flakes down to a minimum level in your dating life. Using all of these techniques – and I personally do use all of them, with every single girl I set a date up with – markedly reduces the likelihood that a date doesn’t show up.

Flake Management

Say you take all of your flake prevention measures and a girl still ends up flaking on a date, though. Either she’s a no-show, like the girl I had a date with at the end of December, or she calls or texts telling you she has to cancel. What do you do then?

Just a few simple guidelines in this case:

• Don’t panic, and treat it like it’s no big deal.

• Be understanding, and tell your girl it’s okay and there’s no need to explain if she tries to launch into a long explanation.

• Don’t try to reschedule then and there unless she’s adamant about so doing. Don’t even mention rescheduling. If she brings it up, tell her to just do her thing if she’s in a rush and you’ll worry about rescheduling later. You want to communicate basically that you’re confident you’ll see her again and, once more, that it’s no big deal.

• Do make excuses for girls where need be. Just like with that girl I had a date with, where I texted her that I guess we got mixed up and her phone must have run out of juice. You want to show her that you’re on her side, you understand, and give her a possible out – you want to avoid her feeling trapped and like she has to explain herself. Give her statistics of online dating explanation and she’s far more likely to feel at ease with you and feel comfortable talking to you and meeting you again later.

The basic gist is: it’s no big deal.

I’ve seen guys recommend you call girls out on this, dating in college and the girl flakes, and I’ve seen other guys recommend you don’t let them off the hook too easily, and still other guys recommend elaborate games to play to re-interest the girls in question and get them absorbed once more in you and in wanting to see you again. All of that, of course, is based on the assumption that the reason she isn’t going to see you is because she really isn’t all that into you. I’m willing to bet though that if she’s interested enough to agree to a date in the first place, her interest levels probably aren’t the issue.

More likely, it’s just that something came up, or she was running late, or she panicked, or she got nervous, or the date you set up was inconvenient for her, or something along those lines. Simply letting her call it off, then rescheduling with her a little later solves all this. No elaborate ruses, no games or techniques to spark her interest anew, no waiting periods to make her think you’re über hard-to-get and sought after. Just be chill and reschedule dating in college and the girl flakes. No big deal.

There’s one really cool thing about girls flaking and you handling it very well, too: as in the first date I had with the girl at the beginning of this year after she’d flaked on our original first date, girls you have dates with after adeptly handling a date they flaked on tend to be best free butch dating sites more intrigued by you and often ready for very rapid intimacy. Why? Because most guys don’t know how to handle the situation and get testy or weak or needy or angry. But you, when you handle a sticky situation like this properly – it says more about your strength and confidence and power as a man than just about anything else you could say or do can. And that’s the kind of statement about yourself that makes girls want to jump in bed with you fast.

Always,
Chase Amante