Dating at 38? Men will run a mile. That's what a lonely-heart agency told Sarah. She vowed to prove them wrong

By Sarah Bridge for The Mail on Sunday

Published: Updated:

The woman at the dating agency was blunt. ‘How old are you?’ she asked. ‘Thirty-eight? Men will run an absolute mile from you. An absolute mile.’

I started to regret phoning her. It is one thing suspecting that it was impossible to find a boyfriend, quite another having it confirmed by  a professional.

‘Men want someone who is fertile but who doesn’t want children just yet,’ she continued. ‘So they want women in their late 20s or early 30s. Why would they like someone who, if she can still have children, would need to have them straight away? No, men will run a mile.’ She paused, then added: ‘Sorry, dear.’

Author Sarah Bridge, who has written a book about her quest for love

I went home and burst into tears. My love life had just been given a death-sentence. Because of my age, I was now, officially, destined to remain single for ever.

I’ve never been someone who absolutely has to be in a relationship. Whenever I was between boyfriends in the past, I would just enjoy life until another man came along — through work, mutual friends or our eyes meeting across a  crowded room. 

But when I phoned a dating agency eight months ago, everything had taken on a new sense of urgency. I realised that since turning 35 three years ago, I hadn’t met anyone I liked romantically, who was also single, straight and interested in me. Where had they all gone?

The pressure started to mount. ‘Haven’t you found yourself a husband yet, Bridgey?’ one married ex-boyfriend wrote on my Facebook page. Another guy said: ‘You’ve got to get a move on! Time is running out. But don’t look desperate — men hate that.’ 

It was hard to work out just how to be relaxed about a state of emergency. I never thought I would end up like this. There had always been boyfriends in my teens, 20s, and on into my early 30s. 

So it is hardly as if I was a perennial spinster.But, returning to London in 2009 after four years abroad, I discovered that being 30-something and single was very different to being 20-something and single. My whole social life had changed.

Before, I would meet friends every night and every weekend, go to parties, and hang out in pubs and bars. There was a constant merry-go-round of new faces.

Now, though, as almost all my friends had got married and moved to the suburbs,  get-togethers involved babysitters, talking rather than dancing and heading home before the last train. 

I would have happily waited years to find ‘The One’. But if I wanted to have children, then I knew I had to get a move on. And it wasn’t just about children. I missed having someone special in my life — someone to look forward to seeing at the end of a long day, someone to cuddle up to.

Sarah with a man who was not her "Mr Right"

But I worried that any potential boyfriends would find out how old I was and just hear the sound of ticking ovaries.I vowed to try everything —  however embarrassing or excruciating. 

I went speed-dating, online-dating, wine-tasting dating, quiz-dating and dinner-dating. I joined running clubs, did acting classes and dance classes, went on skiing holidays and singles holidays and badgered my friends to set me up with their friends.

Some attempts were more successful than others: a singles holiday to Greece made me feel like Elizabeth Taylor due to all the men after me, whereas one evening spent dinner dating with seven single women in their 40s and just two men — one of whom walked out after ten minutes — made me want to give up on the idea altogether.

I turned up a few minutes late for one date to find that the guy had already ordered and eaten dinner without me, and I booked myself on a climbing holiday with 14 fit men, only to discover halfway up the highest mountain in North Africa that they were all married.

While I did meet some really nice men, it was certainly not at the tortuous round of singles events, at which there were always more women than men and everyone had a sad, resigned look in their eyes. 

Countless times I left events in despair, thinking: ‘Where have all the men gone?’ and would head to the nearest pub for a restorative drink, only to realise: ‘Oh, here they are!’

The solution is to meet them in their own natural habit: coffee shops and pubs, of course, but also sports clubs, evening classes, even the local supermarket. The possibilities are reassuringly endless. 

James Preece, who runs dating events, says that although it might be a struggle to find men — who are often happy just hanging out with their mates rather than trying to meet new people — women in their mid-30s shouldn’t give up hope. 

‘You are not going to find anyone at home watching the  X Factor,’ he says. ‘But coffee shops are great places to start a conversation, or waiting for a bus, or on the train. 

‘You will find that there are men everywhere when you start to look for them. The more you practise talking to them, the easier you will find it.’

Thankfully for women who are the far side of 30, James says it is ‘absolute rubbish’ that they have no chance of finding love. ‘There are many men out there who are bored with having meaningless affairs and who want to settle down and have children too,’ he says. ‘If a guy is going out with a woman in her late 30s, it is hardly going to be a surprise that she might also want children.’

With that in mind, I decided to be honest about my desire for marriage and children — with surprising results. I put a classified ad in Private Eye, which read: ‘Fun, attractive female journalist, 38, seeks romantic, sporty, intelligent guy, 30s/40s for adventures and hopefully LTR/marriage/babies/the lot!’

Like film heroine Bridget Jones, Sarah feels under pressure from friends and family to find a husband

Out of a surprisingly large number of replies, Simon’s stood out. He was 41, adventurous and enjoyed travelling — as do I. His emails were fun and witty and when we first met for a lunch date we left the pub at 6pm, always a good sign.

He was kind and chivalrous. My friends liked him and I couldn’t believe I’d found someone at last. But, while we were perfect for each other on paper, the relationship lacked passion. I felt that to continue going out with him would have been unfair to both of us, so I ended our relationship. It was a very difficult decision. 

Many people — including my mother and best friend — accused me of being too fussy, and said that I should stick with Simon, as he ticked so many boxes. The unspoken warning was that, because of my age, I might not find anyone else. 

But I simply refuse to ‘settle’ for Mr Almost-Right just because I’m approaching 40 — no matter what the dating agencies tell me!

First Catch Your Husband: Adventures On The Dating Front Line by Sarah Bridge is published by Mainstream Publishing £7.99.

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There’s something to be said about any age that ends with 9. You know, 19, 29, 39, 49, and so on. For instance, my boyfriend and I both felt weird at 29. Then at 30, we both naturally decided to let go of late-night drinking. (You know what I’m talking about … the parties, and all the other after-midnight ridiculousness that makes you feel like trash in the morning.)

By 30, we were just over it. And it’s funny, because I see this “number 9” dilemma with many of my clients, too. Dating in your 30’s as a man especially makes you rethink things. Hitting the next decade in age is a huge milestone. Mainly, you ask yourself: How can you make the next 10 years better than the previous ones?

Well, if you’re 29 — or even in your early 30’s — and your dating life isn’t where you want it to be, then it’s time to get serious about that. After all, things shift once you start dating in your 30’s. It becomes more competitive and women have different expectations. So, if you want to stay ahead of the pack, then you’ll have to do a couple of things. First, you’ll need to develop parts of yourself that are still stuck in your old 20’s mindset. And second, you’ll have to be more focused in your approach with women.

The good news is, dating in your 30’s as a man doesn’t have to suck. At all. In fact, if you play your cards right, these could be some of the best years of your life. Here are seven ways you can get the most out of dating in your 30s.

Dating in Your 30’s as a Guy Tip 1. Consider Letting Go of Your “NSA” Lifestyle

The great thing about being in your 30s (versus your 20s) when it comes to dating is that women start paying more attention to you. Why? Because most women date “up” a few years in age. According to one study, on average, women desire men who are 3.5 years older than them. So, now that you’re 30, you’re at a competitive advantage over your 25-year-old counterparts, if you’re still looking for women in their 20s.

But, there’s a catch: The expectations are also a bit different. Once you’re 30, it’s more likely that the women who will be searching for you are the ones seeking a long-term commitment. So, it’s time to get real. Are you ready to let go of your NSA (aka “no strings attached”) dating lifestyle and commit to one person? If not, you’d better get ready, because those are the types of women who will be targeting you in your 30’s.

I suggest that you get mentally prepared for this ahead of time by expecting some harder date conversations from women. Consider the first, second, and third date questions you might get from women once you’re dating as a man in your 30’s (and have your answers lined up ahead of time!):

On the first date …

• What do you do for fun?
• What did you study in school?

On the second date …

• How well do you get along with your parents?
• What are your goals?

On the third date …

• Why did you and your ex break up?
• Do you want kids someday?

Notice the questions will get increasingly more personal and difficult to answer (assuming she desires an LTR with you).

2. Get Comfortable Leading

When you’re in your 20s, you’re still figuring yourself out. You’re establishing your habits, getting to know your own preferences, starting your career, and so on. Since you’re still sort of new to adulting, you might tend to just go along with whatever’s popular or recommended to you.

But by the time you’re in your 30’s, it’s time to start leading … by making “following” a thing of the past. Women love a man who can lead, both on dates and in other areas of life. So, what does this mean? You lead by:

Sticking to your opinions

One rookie mistake that guys in their 20s often make is to outwardly agree with everything a woman says, even when they secretly don’t agree. They think it makes them easier to get along with, but it’s actually perceived as weak. Don’t be afraid to assert your opinion and stick to it (in a friendly way, of course). Having a spine never hurt anyone, and it certainly helps once you’re dating in your 30’s as a man.

Being decisive

Another important way to show your leadership is to be specific and decisive when you ask a woman out. No more vague, “we should hang out sometime” requests. Instead, approach her with a solid date idea and make sure to include a TDL (time, date, and location) when you ask. Your energy will come across as more masculine, and more attractive.

If you’re not comfortable leading, I recommend reading The Way of the Superior Man and 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader.

3. Do What You Love to Do

Now that you’re dating in your 30s, however, that doesn’t mean you have to change everything. Keep doing what you love to do! There’s nothing more attractive than a man who has interests outside of his career and women.

You know … hunting, fishing, hiking, dancing, reading, traveling … it could be anything. Finding that one thing that lights you up and puts you in the “zone” will do wonders for your confidence and mood, which will definitely show when you interact with women. Being genuinely satisfied with your life — even without a girlfriend — is ironically one of the biggest aphrodisiacs there is.

So what do you like to do? Or, what did you love to do as a kid, but let go of in your 20’s? Reignite an old passion. For example, you might hop on Meetup and join a group of people in your city who get together weekly around an activity you’re into. For example, my boyfriend plays on an adult softball league every Thursday night. And I have to say, there’s nothing more attractive than watching my man do something he loves — even if it’s a beer league.

4. Say “No” to Things That Don’t Serve You

Chances are, when you’re dating in your 30’s as as man, you’ll genuinely get to the point where you want to find a real relationship. Rather than just “acting as if” in order to keep a woman’s interest, the idea of settling down might actually start to sound kind of nice. If that’s the case, then you have to start SAYING NO to people and activities that don’t serve you. Let me be clear. This means saying no to:

• Your buddies who just can’t let those long club nights go
• Your ex (or your skanky FWB) who keeps hitting you up

There’s a classic saying that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If that’s true, take a good look around. Wouldn’t you like to move forward and keep improving your life, rather than keep hitting the same old bars and clubs to meet women? Your old friends (or lovers) are going to just pull you back into the same behaviors and mindset you had in your 20’s, which won’t make you competitive when it comes to dating in your 30’s. Do yourself a favor and put some distance between you and your past.

5. Adjust to the New Playing Field

Maybe you were in a committed relationship for most of your 20’s. Or, you’re just getting back into dating at 31, or 33. One thing you need to prepare yourself after you come back on the market is that the pool of available women will be smaller: both in terms of quality and quantity.

Think about it: The average age of a first marriage for women is 27.4 and average age of a first marriage for men is 29.5. So if you’re in your early 30’s, you can expect many women in their late 20’s to be spoken for. Don’t get me wrong, though. There are still thousands of single women out there. It’s just not as many compared to when you were last single — at say, 25 — when there were a lot fewer married women. When you’re dating in your 30’s as a man, you’ll need need to understand that not every woman in spin or yoga class will be available for your date offer.

6. Leverage Dating Apps

In your 30’s, it’s time to put your dating life into high gear, if you haven’t already. If you’re familiar with my articles and website, then you know I’m a huge proponent of a technique I coined called MegaDating. MegaDating is the practice of dating as many women as you can at once, in order to raise your confidence, diffuse your energy, and really figure out what you’re looking for in a partner.

Dating apps are a fantastic way to build your dating funnel and start MegaDating. One strategic way to approach dating apps is to first find out which app is most popular for your age and state. Once you determine which apps are best for you, I recommend downloading five of them. You’ll cast a wider net that way.

Also, try to get the most out of the apps you’re using. In some cases, it might cost you a few extra bucks, but it could be worth the investment. For instance, if you use Hinge, then consider upgrading your account if you’re looking for a long-term relationship. Use the “boost” feature on Tinder and Match, or “spotlight” on Bumble, to put your profile at the top of the stack for a short period of time. Doing this regularly could increase your matches.

Just be sure not to overuse the apps. They can be addicting! Instead, check in once a day for 30 minutes max, and turn off notifications so you don’t feel tied to your phone, hanging on a woman’s every message.

7. Start Setting Goals, If You Haven’t Already

As I mentioned earlier, dating in your 30’s as a man becomes more competitive. While it was perfectly fine to not take it seriously in your 20’s, your choices become slimmer as time goes on. This is why it’s important in your 30’s to not just date randomly, but have a strategy.

You have to understand exactly what type of woman you’re looking for and where she is likely to be. You need to find ways to raise your confidence level so that you become more attractive — and you need to learn how to approach women in a way that gets them intrigued.

Sound daunting? Then it makes sense to get help. Instead of trying to muddle through it all yourself, a female dating coach like me can tell you immediately where your strong and weak points are, in order to help you create a dating strategy that’s not only customized to your situation, but that works.

Book a 1-on-1 New Client Skype session with me if you’re interested in personalized advice on your dating situation, as well as strategic tips for taking your dating life to the next level. We can also determine if my 3-month Signature program could be right for you.

Dating in Your 30’s as a Man: Wrap-Up

Your 30’s are such an exciting time. Obviously, you’re no longer naive like you were in your 20s, but at the same time, there’s still a ton to look forward to.

Since there’s so much potential at this stage in your life, don’t go through it casually! When it comes to dating especially, being mindful about how you spend your time — and the quality of people you surround yourself with — can make the difference between misery and happiness when it comes to your 40s.

Approach dating like you’d approach your career: Figure out what you want, make a plan, and go for it with all you’ve got. After all, the perfect woman is out there … and she’s definitely worth it.

Dating in your late 30s (especially if you are dating after divorce with kids like me) is sort of like sifting through a garbage can, hoping to find a huge diamond and a pair of Manolo Blahniks. I don't mean to say that every available man is worthless when you're in your late 30s but rather that the game is hard, and guess what, ladies: it's still a game, even at our age. Here are some truths you need to know if you're about to head out into the dating pond in your late 30s.

1. They Want Them Young

A lot of men want their ladies young. These are the bachelors that hit late-30s and into mid-40s and suddenly realized, "Oh snap! My sperm is getting old, too, wouldn't you know? And now that I am all grown up, I think it's time I settled down. I think I will pick a nice 25-year-old." Even though you're their age or even quite younger than them by years, you're still old to them. It's BS. The right one won't care that you're not in your 20s, absolutely, and you're not old, but yet there are guys who will completely shut you down, especially online, if you're a year over his age range. It is what it is.

A lot of the allure of the young woman comes with an assumption of fertility. Men who have waited to have kids or who had kids with their first wife but perhaps not as many as they would have liked, are looking for a fertile woman. You could be "Fertile Myrtle" and they might not know it simply because you're over 35 and they didn't bother to ask because you didn't fit the criteria.

You could be gorgeous, witty, successful, and smart and it won't matter. In fact, the better of a woman you are, it seems, the more apt they are to reject you out of intimidation.

2. The Young Want You

You're young enough to be considered sexy, but old enough to be considered seasoned, so as soon as you post your online profile — bam! — the young 'ins are there waiting to date you. They will message you as young as 18 and as "old" as 25, wanting you to be their sexual teacher and some of them will bluntly ask and others will be dying for a "relationship," which really means they're looking for a mother figure that will have sex with them. Sure, you may snag a guy who is younger than you are and mature, but a lot are just dying for that older woman fix. Yes that's right: you have hit that "older woman" territory. Sigh.

If you also look younger than your age, (I do, mostly because I am short) expect that when you go out, the younger men will be making a bee-line for you. Is this bad? Not at all! It's a good thing, if only you could manage to find someone old enough to suit your lifestyle and goals.

3. You're Intimidating

You're older, you're wiser, and you're sexier.

In other words, they're afraid of you. So now you're intimidating, when before at 25, you were sweet and unassuming.

4. The Biological Clock Is Real

If you're childless, dating can have that extra strain as you imagine your ovaries spontaneously combusting or your eggs expiring with each bad date. It's hard not to feel the strain of biology and hormones as you get out there.

5. Having Children Can Be Complicated

If you have kids, dating in your late 30s is complicated by numerous factors such as: Does the person even want to date you if you have a child? Many guys will opt-out because you're a mother. Or if they opt-in, the next struggle is, do they have kids as well and if yes, does your custody schedule mesh with theirs? It's a huge challenge.

Then there are the challenges of simply getting out there and arranging a date once you have an interested taker. This has to be timed with a babysitter or when you don't have your children, which burns at least 500 calories just to accomplish finding the time and place. And if you do meet someone, does this person have the potential to meet your kids? Yes or no? That's a serious matter and in my opinion, kids don't need to meet anyone unless you think the person has some serious permanency.

6. You Know What You Want

Dating in your 30s means you know what you want, which means a lot less dates. You're more set in your ways, and your life (and mind) has less flexibility than it did in your 20s. When you were 25, you had a list of particular traits but had a taste of a wide variety of men as you looked for a good fit, but when you're 35 you've got a longer list and the stakes are higher if you're looking to start a family or get serious. If you're not and simply want someone for fun, then it's a good idea to ease up on the pressure.

7. Wingwomen Are Gone

Most of your wingwomen are gone and married now, so you're not only single, but you're single and looking to mingle with a smaller group of comrades, which makes going out in itself difficult, especially if most of your friends are married with children.

8. The Dating Pool Is Filled With Burned-Out Bachelors

As you sift through the available partners, some are great, but there are also a lot of wounded birds, angry or bitter from a divorce or the worst — perennial bachelors who won't settle on a date if their lives depended on it. They will message you or flirt with you forever while they do the same with others and keep you on the backburner.

9. 40 Looms Ominously

People told me, "At least you divorced before you turned 40," or "As soon as I hit 40, fewer men responded to me." There is this pressure that once I turn 40, I expire sexually and romantically. That I will fade into the air and be gone from men forever, and let me tell you, I would like to believe that is false, but considering my first point, it's hard to not feel a little crushed as I face my 40th birthday.

The down and dirty? Dating in your late 30s is hard. It is tough to not become despondent, but the fact is there is still hope. People fall in love every day. Besides, if love were all that easy to come by, it wouldn't be special anymore and it would lose its allure. At the heart of it all, you are most likely an amazing woman and anyone would be lucky to have you. Keep on searching!