We get it: Dating isn't exactly easy these days. In 2019, we're busy, we're stressed, and we're constantly faced with a myriad of distractions that can make wading into the dating pool seem like getting drowned in a raging sea. While some folks are opting out altogether, the brave souls who want to meet someone are faced with an increasing number of ways to do so. Dating apps? Matchmakers? Speed dating? Introducing yourself to a cutie at the bar? Many of us are exhausted just thinking about it. So yes, dating is a lot, and it's clear we could all use a little insight (and commiseration) about the whole process. That's why Shondaland decided to take a 360-degree look at the state of dating today, from the struggles and the successes to how we're meeting new people — dating apps, DMs, and more — or how we're sometimes, well, not.

If you’re dating in 2019, chances are you’re using an app. Maybe you’re using multiple apps. And that process, as many of us know, can be, well, a drag. Shondaland.com wants to help ease the pain with a deep dive into the nitty gritty of online-dating profiles. Our hope? To not only make your profiles smarter, sexier and shinier, but to ensure that when and if you do get a match, it's going to be the kind of person you actually want to go on a date with. Thus, we matched three women with three seasoned online-matchmaking experts to find out: What makes the perfect profile?

The State of the Date

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Why I Didn't Waste My Summer Dating

Please Don't Call Your Spouse Your Best Friend

The Best New Dating App Isn’t New — and It Isn’t a Dating App

My Friends Are Marrying People They Met on Tinder — and Frankly It’s Gaslighting Me

Data Convinced Me I'd Never Get Married. It Was Wrong

Volume One: Colleen

THE DATER: Colleen, 25, a wholesale manager for a beauty brand based in the South

For five-plus years, Colleen has had an on-again, off-again relationship with the standard trio of dating apps: Hinge, Bumble, Tinder. So far, she says most of her matches have felt like “a waste of time.” Her inbox is stacked with “Hey” after “Hey” from bland guys with whom she has zero chemistry, and who rarely engage her in conversations about her own interests. Among her lengthy list of duds is the Atlanta Falcons player who commented on her photo with a tired pick-up line (that, at least, resulted in an entertaining screenshot for her friends) and the creepy guy who claimed to coincidentally “run into her” one night while she was out with friends and proceeded to follow her around for the evening.

THE EXPERT:Damona Hoffman

Hoffman jokes that she’s been coaching online daters “since they used to do profiles on stone tablets.” In addition to one on one coaching, Hoffman frequently does public speaking engagements on the subject, offers an online course, and hosts a weekly podcast calledDates & Mates. She thinks of dating profiles as a form of storytelling, and helps clients craft “narratives” designed to engage exactly the people they’re hoping to meet, as opposed to profiles that could appeal to anyone. “You could get a lot of messages, but if they’re a lot of the wrong messages, or you’re not [going] on dates with the right kind of people, then it feels exhausting, frustrating and overwhelming,” Hoffman says.

We asked Hoffman to review Colleen’s profile and come up with actionable tips that will help this “meh” dater find an authentic connection.

Decide what (and who) you want, and build a profile that reflects it

Exhibit A: Colleen says her Hinge matches are “all over the place" — she attracts a broad range of guys with seemingly no common denominator.

Hoffman chalks that up to a profile that doesn’t accurately portray what Colleen’s looking for: a real relationship — i.e., not flings or on-again, off-again flirtations — with someone who makes her laugh.

Step one: Think about the message your photos are sending. Colleen earns points for posting an action shot of herself snowboarding and a cute pic with her dog — both of which do a good job of depicting different aspects of her life. But her bikini-clad primary photo suggests she’s looking to play.

Hoffman’s all for body positivity, but warns that guys are easily distracted. If you’re looking to hook up, super. But “If you’re looking for a relationship, the idea you want to set it up is that there’s more that can be revealed over time. You want to hint at certain things,” she says. As for a bigger reveal, “let him earn it” over time.

Hoffman’s advice: switch to something more subtle, and cut down on photos that feature alcohol to lessen the profile's "party vibe."

Check off the “three Cs”

Hoffman swears by three key ingredients: Color, context and character. The first is relatively straightforward: a vibrant top or dress — especially in stop-sign red — can make someone pause from swiping and take notice. Hoffman cites2008 research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, which suggested that portraits outlined in red were more attractive to men than identical portraits framed in other colors. “Lean into the biological conditioning,” Hoffman says.

The second “C,” is context: Choose photos, like Colleen’s skiing shot, that depict you out in your world, whether it’s playing soccer with a weekend league or perusing your local indie bookstore. That said, if the app you’re using has the potential to link to Instagram (Tinder, Bumble and Hinge all do) Hoffman recommends opting out. It may seem counterintuitive, but in a culture of speed-swiping, you’re aiming to curate what someone needs to know about you without overwhelming them with TMI. Hoffman suggests that Colleen un-link her social media, add more active photos, and remove any visual information that isn’t straightforward. For instance, adorable photos with her niece could, at a glance, appear to be photos with her daughter.

Character, Hoffman’s final “C,” means showcasing the different aspects of your personality. Colleen displayed her wit and sports knowledge on Hinge’s “When was the last time you cried?” question: she answered with, "a football game." But Hoffman found answers to two other profile questions confusing. And since Colleen specifically seeks a guy with a sense of humor, Hoffman encouraged her to add a few more fun, laughing photos.

Take matters into your own hands

Friends had advised Colleen to wait for potential dates to come to her, so she tends to take a passive approach online, shying away from exploring guys who haven’t reached out to her first.

Don’t be coy, says Hoffman. If you’re not satisfied with who you’re meeting, take action: Hoffman says women who send more messages snag more dates with higher-quality potential partners. “Whatever people are thinking about the rules of chivalry, or guys not wanting to be chased, is totally incorrect,” she says. “I work with men as well, and they’re always flattered when women message them.” Men also receive fewer messages, “so they’re not inundated the way women are with this wide swath of anybody and everybody.” The odds are likely already in your favor. Hoffman says you’re “much more likely to get a response from him” than if he were to message you and get lost in the inbox.

The key: Send a targeted, thoughtful message to the type of person you’re interested in meeting. Usually, this means commenting on or asking questions about the information on that person’s profile.

SO, DID IT WORK?

Colleen tweaked her profile according to Hoffman’s suggestions, resulting in a version she feels is now more authentic and a better representation of who she is. Within a week, she saw a significant change in her matches. For starters, there are fewer of them — Colleen used to receive 10 or more connections a day. Now, she’s averaging about three or four.

At first, that was a blow to the self esteem, but soon Colleen realized she was filtering out some of the guys who weren’t in line with what she’s looking for. The changes are doing most of the “dirty work” for her, Colleen says. Before, Colleen received a lot of generic messages, now she sees an uptick in guys sending jokes, witty comments, and even some original pick-up lines. She says she’s even passed along Hoffman’s advice to her friends.

DATING BY THE NUMBERS

Volume Two: Madison

THE DATER: Madison, 25, works in entertainment industry PR in New York City

Three years ago, Madison started online dating to meet different kinds of people and have new experiences. Now she’s in search of someone who, like her, is looking to take a permanent vacation from dating apps. And her recent matches barely spark her interest.

THE EXPERT: Erika Ettin, founder of online dating consultancyA Little Nudge

When Washington, D.C.-based Ettin first tried online dating in 2001, she put her background in economics and finance to work crafting her profile, even tracking her results in a spreadsheet. She experimented with different strategies until she was receiving responses to six out of 10 of the messages she was sending and had hit a message-to-date conversion rate of 50 percent. In 2011, she went pro and founded her consulting company, which has helped more than 1,000 clients.

Ettin gives Madison’s profile a tune-up, offering tips to avoid online dating burnout, stay organized, and attract the types she wants to meet.

Stay organized

Online dating can feel like picking up a side gig. When Madison spoke with Ettin, she was juggling five conversations and two different date offers with various guys. Ettin advised her to fully commit to one app rather than half-heartedly using a handful, and to limit herself to ongoing text chats with five potential dates at a time.

Ettin also had Madison go through her inbox and make a conclusive decision on each of her current prospects: Either set up a date or stop chatting. And instead of just ghosting the ones she decides not to meet IRL, Ettin advised her to send a brief, polite note: “I thought about it, and I don’t think we’re a match. Best of luck!” Then “unmatch” the person to cut down on confusion while scrolling through your inbox.

Ettin’s other strategies to avoid app burnout? Go through your list of “likes” only once or twice a day: The more you do it, the more overwhelmed you’re likely to feel. If you’re battling a busy week, take a break from swiping altogether. And respond to incoming messages the day you receive them; it’s best to just get it out of the way.

Make sure the spotlight is on you — and only you

In her profile photos, Madison included shots with a couple of friends and one large group photo. If you look closely, you can see why: One featured her and her brother at the Tony Awards; another featured Madison and a large group supporting the "SCAR Act," a New York State Senate bill that would require the tracking of displaced immigrant children. They provided detailed evidence of how cool and how civic-minded she is. If you’re looking closely. To the average speed-swiper, the Tonys shot could read as a date. And sadly, since few people will likely take the time to look up the bill’s meaning, Ettin argued that the photo's value was negligible.

Ettin recommends solo shots only: You're looking to communicate who you are and what you look like. Why invite potential comparisons? “I want people to know I have friends,” said Madison, echoing a common dating app concern. But according to Ettin, potential matches are more interested in checking out your appearance and gauging your personality than analyzing your social life.

Accentuate the positive

To this profile prompt, “I’ll know I’ve found the one when…,” Madison replied, “We plan our joint campaigns.” Ettin loved that. But she red-flagged another line Madison wrote: “You get your news from somewhere other than your Facebook feed.” [Editor’s note: For what it’s worth, we applaud the sentiment.]

Ettin’s job is raising her clients odds. She tells them to play it safe, avoiding anything that could read as snark or negativity. Ettin encouraged Madison to re-package the same idea more positively (for example, “You read the New York Times”). Or at least rearrange the sentence so it ends on a positive note.

Madison’s solution: “I’ll brag about you to my friends if… You know your way around a wine list (rioja all day), get your news from somewhere other than your Facebook feed, and your shoes match your belt!”

SO, DID IT WORK?

In a word, yes. Shortly after she reworked her profile with solo shots and upbeat language, Madison started getting more matches with guys who seem more engaged

and were definitely more attractive."The matches I’m getting are responding to my question/answer sections of my profile more than ever before, and if I’m not replying back right away, a lot of them are following up," she says.

And although narrowing her focus to just one app—she chose Hinge—felt counter-intuitive to Ettin’s other advice (“keep your options open”), allowing herself to be pickier means she’s not wasting energy on guys who don’t seem to have real potential. Why choose Hinge over Bumble? "I like that anyone can comment on or 'like' a photo, versus waiting for a match, or on Bumble, waiting for the woman to make the first move."

“This process allowed me to do a reset,” Madison says. “Taking the time to sit down and think, ‘What am I really looking for?,’ and not being afraid to end a conversation if I don’t see it going anywhere.” She feels less overwhelmed and “re-energized to get back out there and do it again with a better outlook.”

Volume Three: Shelby

THE DATER: Shelby, 26, works in sales for a prominent NYC-based social media company

Originally from Atlanta, Shelby moved to New York almost four years ago and was soon averaging two dates a week off of dating apps. That led to serious burnout. Now that she’s further along in her career and has put down some roots in the city, she’s got less time on her hands for first dates. She's still using Hinge, but gave up on Bumble after finding no success with it — largely because, she admits, she has a “mental block” about making the first move.

THE EXPERT: Los Angeles-based dating coachJulie Spira

Spira is the author of 2009's The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, which chronicles 250 of her own online dates. She speaks at conferences about the intersection of love and technology and has worked with clients as far afield as London and Sydney. So when asked about the oft-lamented difficulty of dating in New York City, she laughs: “When you’re single, your city is always the hardest city to date in.”

Offer some conversation-starters

Spira tells Shelby to get specific about her activities — in her bio, in her answers to prompts, and in her photos. Bios, in particular, should be “about three to five sentences.” And your profile should easily spark conversation. One way to do this: Include a question in your bio, such as “What’s your favorite team?” or “Can you guess where I am in the fifth photo?”

On Bumble, Shelby mentions that she loves sports. Get granular, Spira says: Which types? What’s her team? Is she watching, or playing? And since a lot of Shelby’s photos depict her in unremarkable locales, Spira advises her to add a travel shot or a photo from a recognizable event, giving potential matches an easy “in” to ask a question or even suggest a related date.

Spira also urged Shelby not to be afraid to include what she's looking for — a relationship.

We’ll say it again: Do make the first move

Until now, Shelby’s online dating strategy has involved very little swiping right. “Being traditionally from the South, I’m used to men being the pursuers,” she says. On Bumble, which requires women to send the first message after a mutual match, she initiated contact halfheartedly, throwing out a blase, “Hey.”

One of Spira’s first tasks: Ditch the “hey" and ask a question that shows you’ve actually looked at the guy's profile: “Love your scuba diving photos! Where were they taken?” Put yourself in his shoes, Spira says. If he’s not responding to every single match, it stands to reason that the “lazy” message in their inbox is the one that will fall by the wayside. You can always let the other person take the lead later, when it comes to asking for a phone number or planning a date.

Vet prospects on the phone

One reason people lose their gusto for dating apps? Too much time and energy wasted on lackluster dates. In the whirl of work, friends, and the general bustle of life in New York City, dating has become another thing for Shelby to wedge onto her calendar. The simple — and refreshingly old-school — solution: Don’t schedule a date with someone unless you’ve already spoken by phone.

“You don’t want to waste time meeting somebody and going, ‘Ugh, no chemistry,’” Spira says. She recommends limiting the chat to 20 minutes. If the match asks to set up a date and you’re not sure how to suggest the feel-out phone call instead, try something like: “If you send me your number, I’d be happy to call and see how the conversation goes.”

SO, DID IT WORK?

“It was a night-and-day difference,” Shelby says. Emboldening herself to make the first move “was really enlightening for me, to switch my mindset.” Now, when she reaches out to someone new, Shelby does it Spira’s way, asking a question tailored to the person’s profile. As a result, her response rate has jumped to “80 or 90 percent.”

And after she provided more detailed answers to more of the questions on Hinge, Shelby saw a significant spike in engagement. Instead of mere photo “likes,” matches are asking about, say, her secret to winning fantasy football in a league of 16 teams. She’s has yet to try Spira’s strategy for vetting potential dates on the phone, but that’s next on her list: Since Shelby travels frequently, she wants a partner who has the social skills necessary to make phone calls work.

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